Terri Psiakis Friday 15 June 2012 9:01am

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by TERRI PSIAKIS

Dear Makers Of Vagisil Feminine Wash,

I just saw the ad for your product and did some reading-up on it online (because I’m cluey like that) and excuse the pun but I think it stinks.

Vagisil Feminine Wash has been specifically designed by you to cleanse down-there lady-parts, yes? You claim Vagisil wash “doesn’t just clean away odour, it helps stop it from happening.” What sort of odour are we talking about here, exactly?

Because if you’re talking about the normal, natural smell of a vagina I’m pretty sure the only way to stop that from happening would be to see to it that the owner/operator of that particular vagina expired. As in,  dead.

Actually, now that I think of it, could you tell me: apart from the word “feminine” and some swirly pastels on the packaging, how does Vagisil Feminine Wash differ from normal soap, exactly? Oh, that’s right – normal soap doesn’t make women, specifically, feel inherently dirty. In the downstairs.

Vagisil Feminine Wash does, by its very existence and the fact that there’s no equivalent for blokes.

So, allow me to help you out. I asked around a bit and had a think (I get my best ideas in the shower while furiously scrubbing my nether regions) and I’ve come up with some ideas for Penisil Masculine Wash.

That is, if you like that name. A Twitter friend suggested “Dick Douche” but I didn’t really like that. First I thought it wasn’t subtle enough but then I thought it sounded like it might be the name of a comic book character.

Vagisil Feminine Wash has a “light and clean” scent, right? (By the way, do you mean “clean” as in just-washed…with soap?) I’m assuming you did some market research and found “light and clean” to be a smell that most women find pleasant? Well, I did some market research, too, and Penisil Masculine Wash smells like crispy bacon. (In fact, you should have made Vagisil wash smell like that: everyone knows a lot of people just love eating bacon!)

Your product is apparently “safe and gentle enough to use every day” (unlike soap, which is of course highly dangerous and may cause death when used regularly on human bodies.) Well, blokes don’t want safe, gentle, daily use. They want something a little more fun that needs doing a little less often.

That’s why Penisil Masculine Wash is designed to be used occasionally, like sheep dip. The male method of use is also similar here: simply fill a small tub or Tupperware with Penisil and dip that dick (I would have called it Dick Dip but that sounded like something you might pass around with Savoy crackers at a really sick party.)

Finally, you champion Vagisil Feminine Wash as “the confident clean” (again as opposed to soap, which just leaves my already insecurity-prone vagina feeling confused and frightened.) Well I’m telling everyone that Penisil Masculine Wash is “the clean you want when someone makes you think your knob is unnaturally noxious and soap just won’t do the trick.” Too wordy?

Anyhoo, let me know what you think about my idea. It can’t be any worse than yours.

Sincerely,

Terri.

P.S. When you get a chance, can you also do a special wash for balls? I’m telling you, those little guys are kind of rank.

This post was originally published here and has been republished with full permission.

Terri Psiakis has worked as a stand-up comic, comedy writer and broadcaster since 2000.  Her first book, ‘Tying The Knot Without Doing Your Block’ was published by Random House in 2009. You can find her website here.