My name is Natalia, and I’m a rectangle.
Or perhaps I’m not. Maybe I’m an hourglass. Or a triangle. Or an – wait for it – inverted triangle.
Or maybe I should just stop guessing because, according to a new survey out of the UK, I’m probably wildly in denial about my own body shape and would get it completely wrong anyway.
The study, done by a shopping website, found that nine in ten women didn’t know their body shape. What’s more – many of these poor, deluded women believed that they were of a Scarlett Johansson-esque, hourglass kind of shape… when in reality they were just rectangles.
That’s right. Rectangles. It’s the newest body shape to have been identified by whoever it is that comes up with new body types. (Whoever that person is? They should find something else to do with their time. Or at least come up with better names for body types. I would like to be a “mermaid” body type. That would be way cooler.)
Apparently, 63 per cent of the women surveyed were rectangles. This means – according to the UK press- that they have “bust, hips and shoulders of the same width. They also have no waist to speak of.”
How embarrassing for you. If you are a rectangle, you should probably just pack up and go home right now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And take Kim Catrall and Nicole Kidman with you – apparently they are also rectangles and therefore no longer worthy of any more red carpets.
This also from the UK:
“Just 38 per cent of 18- to 35-year-olds had the rectangular proportions but 80 per cent of those aged 56-plus met the criteria. Similarly, 30 per cent of young women had an hourglass shape, but the figure fell to 4 per cent in older women.”
You hear that, ladies? The shitty rectangle is almost entirely the result of you getting old and saggy and losing that waist. What do you even have left to live for, considering that your waist is gone? Yeah, nothing. That’s what I thought.
But seriously: let’s stop talking about rectangles for a minute and start talking about this whole body-type thing.
I know that there are all these different kinds of body types, and that working out what you are might be potentially helpful for when you are buying clothes and such, and working out what suits you.
But. I’ve never been good at working out my body type. Because I have boobs, and a butt, and various other body parts in between, but I don’t think they make up any particular sort of shape. Besides, you know, the shape of a body. Not the shape of an apple. Or a pear. Just a body.
Judging by the results of this survey, other women are also confused by this body shapes thing. After all, nine out of ten couldn’t figure out what the shit they were supposed to be out of all the possibilities.
I don’t think it’s healthy to assign particular shapes to people – and make them feel guilty about being that particular shape. Women’s bodies change as they get older. Yeah, our boobs droop and we lose definition around our waists and our hips might get back some more of that muffin top. So what? They’re still bodies. And they’re still beautiful.
Fridges are rectangles. Crackers are rectangles. Doors are rectangles. Coffee tables are rectangles. Matchboxes are rectangles. Microwaves are rectangles.
So, what do you think about classifying body types? Useful for picking out clothes, or a bit of a crock?