By DAVE THORNTON
Hi person who is reading this – how you been? Is that a new haircut? Brand new lippy? Have you lost weight? OK, well whatever it is you’re doin’ just keep doin’ it, cause you look terrific.
You may know me from my ‘strayan bogan twang on this website’s sister radio show, Mamamia Today, or you may just know me from these last two sentences.
Either way, you’re here now, so let me tell you about my week…
No, not the annoying trivial stuff like physically hitting my washing machine because I accused it of stealing my socks, or the fact that I was reading Geoffrey Blainey’s ‘Short History of the World’ in bed and fell asleep thinking I was a mistress to Genghis Khan.
No, no. What I’m giving you now are *drum roll please maestro* myyyyy Best and Worst of the weeeeeek!!!! *enter confetti canons and a gymnastic troupe called ‘Funsies Wearing Onesies’ doing back flips*
Worst: After buying a fixed wheel road bike, I quickly punctured the tyre (Fixie? Yup- I’m an inner city hipster sans the beard and the sleeve tattoo that will slowly age into a smudged bingo wing). Enter me: entering my local bike store. The people serving behind the counter appeared as if I was selling them leprosy. ‘You want that fixed?’ the 20-something stated in disgust, peeking out of his fringe. ‘There’s a lot of dust coming off it.’
‘Yeah well there’s a lot of jerk coming off you!!’ I wanted to reply but held it in as a nice addition to my future stomach ulcer. They took the bike. They never told me how long it would take, how much it would cost or if I’d ever see the bike again. I was like a 1950’s father-to-be in a waiting room with no scotch or sweet skinny tie and fitted suit combo (thank you Madmen). After it was all said and done and I was $50 poorer, I walked away with the most disgusting feeling that I hated them and yet I wanted them to like me cause they seemed cool.
It was like at high school again. Or a Mac store. Yuk.
Best: Throughout this month, I’ve been performing my live stand-up comedy show ‘Tall and Pointy’ at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. How do you block a drain? Plug. That’s right.
Oh and I’m also coming to Sydney as well at the end of the month (see below for details and shameless self–promotion). Each night I get a man on stage for the most masculine of duels: A Compliment-off. We compliment each other because I believe that’s the hardest thing for grown men to do.
The compliments have ranged from ‘nice pants’ to ‘I think you’d be very popular in jail with lady features like yours’. God bless you, randomly selected members of the audience.
And that’s been my Best and Worst of the Week. Please give a round of applause for ‘Funsies Wearing Onesies’ and the effort they put in.
See you next time, you looker you x
Dave Thornton can be heard on Mamamia Today on the 2dayfm network 3pm-4pm. You can see his live stand-up show ‘Tall and Pointy’ (and you really should, our editor Jam went last night and says it is TOTALLY ace) at:
So – what was your best and worst of the week?