By ROSIE WATERLAND
Mark Zuckerberg can say all he likes about ‘social networking’ and ‘user engagement’. I think we’ve all figured out by now that Facebook was exclusively designed as an inadequacy-inducing WEBSITE OF LIES.
Have you ever seen anyone post a photo from when they first woke up? How about when they’re having toast for dinner? Or when they’ve just gone through a massive break-up? Or been fired?
Of course not.
Facebook is like an online life resume. It’s a place where we can show everybody we know just how well we’re doing, what we’ve achieved and the skills we’ve acquired. And just like nobody would ever hand in a crappy resume when looking for a job, nobody ever puts anything but the most polished version of themselves online. On Facebook, everybody is AWESOME at life. And they’ve got the carefully edited resmue to prove it.
Especially when it comes to the photos. Facebook photos have become ridiculous. They either induce eye-rolling rage or crying-level jealousy. There is no in-between anymore.
Here are the six facebook photos that need stop. Now.
1. Exercise Route Photos (or ‘I can run further than you’ photos):
We get it. You ran today. Well done. But guess what? So did I. And I have a fancy app that tells me how far I went too – it’s just that I don’t POST THE PICTURES ON FACEBOOK. And as if you do this every day. I’d like to see how impressive that pink line looks when it spends 4 hours going between your bed and your fridge.
2. Feet With An Awesome View Photos (or ‘I’m on holiday and you are not’ photos):
You know what the view from my bedroom window is right now? This:
So every time I see someone’s bloody feet in another exotic bloody location, it makes me want to do this:
3. PDA Photos (or ‘My relationship is more romantic than yours’ photos):
Public Display of Affection photos incite a ridiculous amount of rage within me. AND IT’S NOT BECAUSE I’M JEALOUS IT’S BECAUSE I THINK YOU’RE LAME NOW LEAVE ME ALONE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT JUST GET OUT OF MY COMPUTER.
4. Phone in the Mirror Photos (or ‘I’m pretty sure I look incredible’ photos):
Congratulations. You look incredible. I would say you’re winning at life, but anyone who can’t figure out how to take a selfie on their phone without using a mirror gives me cause for concern. Or could it be that you do know how to use your phone, but standing in front of a mirror is the only way to get a full body shot?
Yeah. We’re ALL on to you.
5. Likes Save Lives Photos (or ‘Look! I care about things!’ photos):
You can like that photo of the heartbreakingly adorable little girl in a hospital bed as many times as you like. IT WILL NOT CURE CANCER. You know what will help cure cancer? Money. You know what will help feed the starving? Money. You think that liking a photo will send a steak sandwich to a starving child in Uganda?
Liking a photo does nothing unless you also DONATE YOUR FREAKING MONEY.
6. Food Photos (or ‘My meal is better than yours’ photos):
Haven’t you heard? Nothing you eat counts these days until you post a photo of it on Facebook. Unless you had noodles for dinner. If that’s the case, you should put the packinging in a weighted box and sink it in the middle of the ocean because no one can ever know that you don’t eat from a degustation menu every night of the week. NO ONE CAN KNOW.
We get it. You eat like Oprah. But I think we all pretty much feel the same about food photos now:
So, are there any Facebook photos that you think need to be banned?