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Recently, I heard of a woman telling her kids she was going to have a bath. She closed the door, pulled on a dress she’d hidden earlier that day, and climbed out the window. She was meeting her girlfriends for a drink. Her husband was supportive of her night out, but the kids would have pelted her with questions, and she just wasn’t up for them. Similarly, I have a friend who rings around to see who’s free for lunch whenever she has a doctor’s appointment. A catch-up on its own would feel self- indulgent.
More and more, a coffee, a yoga class or (heaven forbid) a grown-up drink with your bestie needs plotting, planning and pernission. Not necessarily from partners – it’s giving ourselves the OK that’s the tricky part. Because in the juggle of life, friendship is the one ball most often dropped. But luckily, it’s a bouncy one.
Rebecca Huntley is an author and academic. She holds a PhD in gender studies and is one of Australia’s most respected researchers. Today, she’s presenting the findings of the Make The Time Report, commissioned by Baileys to find out the biggest time pressures facing Australian women. I talked with her on Monday and asked if female friendship is endangered by our busy lives.
‘The strength of female friendships,’ said Rebecca, ‘Is also their downfall. Women have great faith in their friends. Friends understand that plans change, get cancelled or if there’s been no time to call. Friends are forgiving in a way no one else is. We make time for our kids, worry about letting down our partners, but we assume our friends will always be there.’
But is that true?
‘Mostly it is. You often hear women say they only see their best friend once or twice a year but when they do, it’s like they caught up yesterday. But at the same time, friendships have to be nurtured – mainly because they’re good for us. We know this, but because good friends are so understanding it’s easy to let things slip when life gets busy.’
Is there really not enough time?
Rebecca Huntley
‘The ‘no time’ excuse,’ says Rebecca, ‘Is interesting, because everyone uses it, irrespective of what’s going on in their lives. A woman with a full-time job and four kids will say she has no time to see her friends. So does a woman with one child and a part-time job. Stay at home mothers say the same thing and so do women with no kids. In our research, we asked women what they’d do if they were offered an extra day in the week – a spare day to do whatever they liked. You know what they said?’
‘Nice long lunch?’ I guessed, ‘Maybe book into a day spa? Dive under the doona with a stack of trashy mags?’
‘The overwhelming majority said they’d use an extra day catch up on housework,’ said Rebecca.
My reaction was, ‘Shut. Up.’ But I know it’s true. Keeping the household running smoothly occupies many women’s minds, most of the time.
‘Even if they’re doing something nice, like having a massage,’ says Rebecca, ‘Women are wondering what’s happening at home.’
That’s arguably the most depressing thing I’ve heard in ages, but it was mildly reassuring to know it’s not just me. As if sensing my despondency, Rebecca points out, ‘That’s why maintaining friendships is so important. In our research, we’re told constantly that one of the few times women really switch off is when they’re having a laugh with their friends. The engagement diffuses tension.’
Right. Got it. We need to see our friends more regularly. But if the guilt is so ingrained in us, how do we shake it off?
‘We make a leap,’ says Rebecca, ‘Make a commitment to nurturing our friendships in the same way we look after our health. Plan to see friends regularly – if you can combine it with another activity you enjoy, even better. Like exercising, or a book club.’
‘Or just getting together for a laugh,’ I say, hopefully.
‘Exactly.’
Tell us about your best friend and how time with her (or him) makes you feel. The two comments with the most thumbs up will win a 700ml bottle of Baileys Original Irish Cream or a 700ml bottle of Baileys With A Hint Of Coffee. Anyone can comment, but you must be over 18 to win. Competition closes at 5pm AEST on Wednesday 7 September 2011
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Comments
80 Comments so far
My best friends didn’t help my family on my bad time. I found him in a friend finder sites.
http://www.adultxdating.ca
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Friends make my world go round! http://lifeofmyownnow.wordpress.com/2011/03/22/part-2-has-nothing-to-do-with-part-1/
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10 years ago my mum had to spend a few months in hospital as she’d nearly died. my best friend made time out of her day, every day, to come pick me up and take me to see her as i didn’t drive. She’s my childrens god mother and the sister of my soul.
Kids and careers make it hard to catch up often but when we do it feels like the years melt away and we’re still crazy teenagers.
My life without her would be in monocolour.
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I agree that sometimes friendships take a back seat. Most of my relationships are with gals that, while I don’t get to see all the time, I feel instantly comfortable with the moment we catch up together. They do say we treat the ones we love the worst .. because we can get away with it ..
http://therichestgirlinbondi.com
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Four years ago, my best friend sat me sown and told me I had post-natal depression. She was so brave. She made me face the truth (and I’m a psychiatrist!) and seek help. My life has never been better. I will love her forever for that.
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I have a close friend that I’ve known since I was 6 (I’m 43). We have such a history. We’ve seen each other through relationship breakdowns, marriages, kids, the whole gamut and now live interstate from each other, but still are friends. We have our own language that can make us laugh and can start a whole conversation from a “do you remember when…..”.
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My best friend and i met in a tap class i had graduated from VCA and he was in the school still. We went out for lunch and that was it. He lives in London now having moved to Germany in 1997. It makes no difference to us i stayed with him for 3 weeks in January and it was like being 20 again. After years of shaky relationships with women. I am blessed that i have finally found in my 30′s some girlfriends. I am surprised and honoured whenever i realise that i can truly lean on these beautiful women and that they truly care. Wow just writing that made me feel like the Queen of everything. YIPPEEE!!!!
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My closest friend and I had a pretty huge fight last year about god only knows what. Then two week’s later, she went overseas for 6 months. Two weeks later again, I swallowed my pride and apologised. There was then a long, mostly internet-based catch up. She came back in June, and although we don’t see each other as much as we used to (she’s now in fourth year uni, I’m working full time), every time we see each other there is no tension. We may always tell the same stupid jokes, but we also tell each other our problems and commiserate. And then find ways to turn the stupid jokes back onto said problems.
We’ve been friends since year 8 and even though we’re only 20 now, we’ve been through our share of ups and downs – both in the teenage quibble category, and the life-changing trauma category. And I know she’ll always be there for me throughout the many problems that are sure to arise as life goes on.
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I love my best friend. We met when both our husbands were deployed with the army for 8 months, and we were left literally holding our babies (both 4 months old) in a new town where we knew no one.
Since then, we’ve supported each other through two house moves, the birth of another baby each, the death of a parent, another deployment, a cerebral palsy diagnosis for her son, as well as the day to day grind.
Sometimes I see her three times a week, (like this week, hooray!) sometimes we don’t catch up for a month, but she’s always the first person I call.
We have been known to assuage mother guilt by folding each others laundry while we chat, but usually we are too busy stopping the toddlers terrorising each other. If I do happen to win the Bailey’s, it’s going straight to her, she’s having a rough trot and could probably do with a cheeky drink!
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I met my best friend online 12 years ago, in an online forum for Aussie Mums. We live in different states, see each other maybe once a year, but talk on the phone often.
Having met online, we often comment that we got to know each other from the inside out, rather than the other way around. We might have not connected with each other had we first met in person, but getting to know her through long chats, shared experiences and years worth of finding common ground in our parenting, has meant we have a relationship worth envying. I often say she is my long lost sister, in that fantastic way the best girlfriends can be.
Making time for the girls in my life became a priority as I became a mother and increasingly isolated. I had a husband who found any kind of relationship outside our little family threatening (which I believe can often be the biggest obstacle to having girlfriends) so I had to fight for it, but at the end of the day, my girls are still around and he isn’t. LOL That speaks volumes!
When you find someone that you want to spend time with, make the effort. I envy people who live in the same town as their best friends. It’s a gift, don’t waste it.
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Women would use an extra day to catch up on housework???? Jeez, makes me glad I’m not married with kids, is that REALLY how mundane your life becomes?? If I had an extra day a week housework would be the LAST thing on my mind! I would go for a massage, go shopping, catch up with a friend, go out for a drink…..so many things! Live a little, girls!
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I hear you, and completely agree, but the fact is, when my mother-in-law took my girl off me the other day, and the plan was for me to relax, spoil myself and unwind, I found myself doing a serious clean… I did manage to walk the dog with a take-away coffee and read a few pages in my book too.
The thing is, once all the work was done and I had a spare 20 minutes before my girl arrived back home I felt so relaxed!!! It is the best feeling, just sitting there looking at your clean house, with noone to mess it up. BLISS!
That said, it was a Friday morning, no friends without kids were available, and I having a massage or facial wasn’t in the budget, otherwise I would have probably gone down that avenue… after the clean, haha.
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It doesn’t even have to be pricey or an outing like a massage or facial. I’m super happy sitting at home reading or watching entire seasons of television in one sitting!
Housework. Urgh!
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I wouldn’t call it Mundane. I would call it taking the time to care for your family home. The alternative is to live like a pig and while that is acceptable when you are single it is kind of gross once your grow up.
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I don’t have any kids, but if and when I do, I will be sure to teach them the importance of maintaining good friendships and not resort to CLIMBING OUT THE WINDOW!! That’s ridiculous, she is the MOTHER, she makes the rules! The only thing she is teaching those kids by doing that is that lying must be OK. So lady, all I can say is don’t be surprised if you find your teenage kids sneaking through the back door on a Sunday morning…
Oh, and my best friend is moving to England at the end of the year!! It’s so sad, we’ve been besties since we were 5 years old, it’s not going to be the same without her
I remember every Thursday I would go to her place after school because we had dance lessons and she would teach me how to do cartwheels on her back lawn. Such good times 
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One day Lauren, if you’re ever lucky enough to raise a family of your own you will totally understand why she was climbing out the window. Sometimes you “just don’t wanna go into it” with the kids and it’s just easier really.
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Lauren, when I was a single mum, I used to go out for a few hours once a week and leave my kids (ready for bed) with my parents. They always knew what I was doing (well not exactly) and weren’t always happy. My 24 year old used to try to hide my shoes or make up to stop me going. It never worked.I worked on the theory, happy mum (or dad) happy kids and would never have snuck out.
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Lauren, I’m actually with you. I completely understand the woman’s frustration. My smaller children would prefer that I never left the house. However, it’s important they learn that despite all evidence to the contrary the world doesn’t revolve around them and there are things that I like to do for me. Mummy leaves the house but she also comes back, usually with a smile on her face.
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Obviously I can’t enter this competition but all these comments are making me miss my best friend so much! We met when we were at an event with our families. She was standing in the shadow of a building and my mum walked up and said “Natalia? What are you doing? Why have you changed your clothes?” She said, “Um.. who’s Natalia?” Yep – we look almost identical but she has darker hair. She met me later that night, spontaneously invited me to go on holiday with her and we have been inseparable ever since… until yesterday when she moved to Victoria for the rest of the year
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I love this post – it’s well written and it certainly rings true for me. I wonder though whether the research under-estimates the evolving role of technology in both building and maintaining friendships? There are some people I have met maybe once or twice “in real life” and have then been added to an email or facebook group… and because the rate of self disclosure is sometimes higher and faster with friendships developed online than in person, some of these people have gone on to become my closest confidantes. Yesterday I had a particularly bad day and posted my gripe on one of my facebook groups of friends that I go out with in person maybe once or twice per year. The responses I received were instant, heartfelt and considered and I felt incredibly supported as a result. If I had tried to play telephone tag with any one of them or waited until we had our next “real life” catch up, then the issue would have been long gone. And possibly bottled up ready for the next mummy meltdown. To say that “engagement diffuses tension” can be true of online interactions as much as face to face ones in my experience. I have very fulfilling friendships with many of my online buddies… and the stress of finding and organising time to meet with them is gone. I’m not arguing the core message behind the research, I just wonder if the “I’m too busy” mantra is not merely an excuse, but instead a genuine reflection of the way society’s expectation of women’s roles has changed… and that adapting the way we meet those same needs for friendship, in particular the use of email and text messaging, needs more recognition and validation as being a smart way of building and maintaining those very valuable support networks that we all need and treasure.
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Very true, I’m Facebook friends with a girl I went to school with, we have seen each other once in the last 10 years (I moved away) but she probably knows me as well as my husband! We talk online every day.
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Great timing. I was watching re-runs of sex and the city this afternoon while tackling a basket full of ironing and I just love how these four girls really love and depend on their friendships with each other. I called one of my best friends, we have known each other since year 5. We had a good chat as we always do and tackled issues that are happening in both our lives and I realised how great it is to pick up the phone and chat with someone who has been travelling along side me in life and knows me so well. We ‘get’ each other like new friends don’t and decided to go on a trip next year to celebrate our 40th birthdays. We are also born on the same day which was just so much fun in school and we have both had daughters born on the same day! Anyway, Watching SATC prompted me to book a trip for myself, her and two other of our good friends( all forged in primary school mind you) we are heading to Sao paolo for 10 days. My friend was concerned about the kids, as we all are, but you know what, I decided a few years ago that I am going to live as an example for my kids. My children are going to be parents one day and I don’t want my daughters feeling guilty about taking time out for themselves, so if I do it, they can be assured that it is ok. I don’t want my sons to think it is not good for his wife , or himself to feel guily just because you have kids. We have to nurture our friendships just as much as any relationship because guess what, your kids grow up and live their own lives, who are you going to show those pics of the grandkids too!!! Your girlfriends… lol
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Good on you Mo5, sounds like it will be an amazing trip!
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About 4 yrs ago my best friend, husband and I inadvertently began a tradition called “Surprise! Chef”. It began when my husband cooked up a random three course meal for my bestie and I and we all agreed that we should do this once a month, all taking it in turns. The idea was that we would use the opportunity to cook something we’d never tired before. The evenings would often have themes (e.g. Japanese, Indian etc) and the ‘Surprise Chef’ would host and cook while the other 2 were to supply the wine for the evening.
We usually hold the evenings here on the Coast at our house as my best friend often comes back here to see her folks.
The food is delicious and usually consists of 3-4 courses, lots of wine, giggles and music. Although dinner party quality food, that is where the formality ends. As soon as my best friend arrives we all get comfy in PJs or trackies and get cozy for a night of food.
My best friend doesn’t have kids so it’s been quite convenient keeping the event at our house as she will often come over, have a play with my 2 yr old daughter (her God Daughter) and then we read her a story and tuck her into bed. This allows me to have a stress free night with my best friend, drinking wine and having a laugh but not having to worry about getting dressed up, finding a baby sitter etc
We are really strict with making the time for our monthly ‘Surprise! Chef’ and as soon as a ‘Surprise Chef’ is over we are on the work email Monday morning locking in the date for the next month. We pretty much have a ‘no excuses’ rule and the 3 of us (my husband gets on really well with my bestie which helps) will keep doing the email rotations until we find a date.
I love my best friend and treasure our nights together. Catching up is always enjoyable, easy and we can talk for hours . . . often until one of us is dosing off on the lounge and we reluctantly agree it’s time for bed!
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That’s really cool!
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My best friend is my Mum. Yes, seriously. She is the most amazing woman I know. Now it’s not one of those situations where I put my Mum’s thoughts and advice before mine and my husbands ideas. He definitely comes first, but Mum is my best friend.
We are pretty similar in nature (so when people say “Gee your are like your Mum” I think it’s awesome!) and we are both verbal processors. We talk most days and sometimes just call eachother with a funny story or to debrief.
Chatting to Mum can make just about anything better. She gets me. She encourages me, spurs me on, lets me get away with talking crap when she knows I need to and tells me to cut the rubbish when I need to hear that.
What a blessing she is!
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Lucky you, how special…
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I consider my Mum to be my best friend too! We talk every day and aside from my husband she is the first person I want to share good or bad news with.
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I met my 2 besties when our kids were 4 months old. We all joined a playgroup but found it a little… intense, so we formed our own breakaway group. We meet with the kids (we now have 6 between us) every friday, we’ve even arranged our work timetables around it! 4 of the 6 kids go to school next year, but we still plan to meet for ‘playgroup’…
There is nothing like having someone you can call at 2am when you have to go to hospital knowing that they will be there within minutes to look after your kids.
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let me get this straight- she sneaks out of the window rather than tell her kids she is going out?? Does she ever say NO to her kids? I guess she won’t be surprised when her kids seak out of thew window to go out…
When did parents start fearing their kids? And why? I really hope this story is made up.
This anecdote minds me a friend with two kids, recently separated, whose car is broken and she cannot afford to fix it. She walks to and from school with them, about 4 km each way, up and down some very steep hills. Today I offered them a lift home, and my friend was very grateful, having already done the walk 3x that day. The youngest balked when she saw that she would have sit in a booster seat, and, despite her mother’s pleas that she was tired and wanted to start dinner early, took off, with her older sister in tow. They crossed the road, away from the school, and kept walking, leaving the mum with no option than to abort the lift home. I offered to wait until she got them back, but she said ‘no, it’s ok, They must want to walk’.
What a couple of brats. I always notice that the nicest people, those always placating themselves for their children, create ungrateful and self-centered little tyrants…
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My girlfriends and I started a book club last year in order for a night out or a sunday breaky once a month. We go to the movies and we also use our young kids as an excuse to hangout. We all met at antenatal classes and after 4 years we still hangout and are close. Yes we all work, studying or have new babies and husbands away working (2 of us all of them) and our lifes are crazy but we somehow make the time. We have recently added the hubby’s to the equation and organising camping trips. We keep each other sane.
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I miss my two best friends – one lives a very long drive away (so I only see her a couple of times a year) and the other lives on the other side of Australia! I wish I could see them more often, they were such a big part of my life before we moved and although I have lots of lovely friends here, it’s not the same.
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it took me a long time to get over my bestfriends who live in Canberra. I live near NSW/ QLD boarder. You just got to try and make new ones. Easier said then done I know. Most of my friends are our towns orphans. Moved here and not natives. hang in there it gets easier. I still lvoe the girls but i moved away.
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My best friend comes with me to the eye specialist every six months. We go over to Chatswood, the specialist puts drops in my eyes that make me almost blind and make my pupils look like I have done some serious drugs. She then patiently leads me around the shops reading everything I point to… “How much is that?”, “What size is that?” and reads me the menu in the restaurant for lunch. She deserves a bottle of Baileys.
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My bestie or BFF is turning 7 in a couple of weeks, we always catch up for dinner and constantly talk about how wonderful I am which of course make me feel awesome!!!
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I was just thinking today how much I love my posse. God I love them. There are seven of us, and we mostly communicate via an email group, sometimes go for dinner or a movie (however many of us can make it) AND twice a year, without fail, we all do a weekend away together. It is so unbelievably awesome to have such great friends.
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I too have a wonderful posse of 7, whom I love dearly, would do anything for and know that they would do anything for me. We don’t see each other nearly as much as we would like (as we all live far apart in QLD & Victoria) but when we do it is just the BEST!
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What a timely post. I was just thinking the other day that I am so sick of ‘sorry I have seen/called you for ages, I’ve been soooo busy…..’
I’m really over hearing it and saying it myself.
A few weeks ago I had arranged a girls dinner with 3 lovely friends. One cancelled at the last minute due to sickness and the remaining 3 of us ummed and aahed about whether to still go to dinner. It was a cold rainy night and would have been so easy to stay home and have an early night. But I said ‘No, girls, we are going. We are getting out of our houses and having time away from our families for a few hours’.
We went to a little pub where the open fire was crackling away and we chatted and laughed over a glass of red and lamb shanks. We walked away a few hours later feeling revived, refreshed and ready to face another day of being mums to small children.
This is how I always feel after I’ve spent time with my girlfriends and as luck would have it, I’m doing it tonight!
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Saturday Brunch is my favourite catch up – no pressure of putting the kids to bed, I can feed my youngest (12 weeks) and head out for a good catch-up for a few hours before the next feed, enjoy good food and still know that I have half a day to spend with my family, don’t necessarily have to wear make-up or high heels, cheaper than dinner, you can’t go wrong. Now that we all have kids we find it easier to head out in the morning than the evening. You can’t beat a good catch-up with good friends, good coffee, good food, nice views, whatever the weather… unless it’s a champagne breakfast of course. That really is the best.
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I absolutely love and adore my bestie!
We both ended marriages/relationships at around the same time and I just don’t know what I would have done without her! Even now when things go pear-shaped we just have this uncanny knack of knowing exactly what to say to each other to flip the world right side up again. I always get of the phone to her feeling completely uplifted.
We both have children of different ages and she has re-partnered while I am still single so we don’t get to spend as much time together as we used to but between emails, texts and phone calls we stay close.
For various reasons during my last relationship I completely lost touch with my friends. I now realise the true value of girlfriends and can honestly say I will never, ever let that happen again!
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I have some wonderful friends who decided I needed some adult time when my twins were nearly 2 – 12 years ago. Since that date we have me up for a monthly video night, a chance for us all to laugh, cry, whinge and giggle with each other. At some points it has been the only thing that kept me sane. We eat take away and junk food and watch movies. My kids have grown up with it, so I have no need to explain. It is one of the simple pleasures of my life.
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Lately I have been feeling very disconnected from my friends because of work and home life just eating up all my time. I hardly have time to make a phone call in peace. It seems that the only time we catch up is at our kids sporting events. But I guess that is not a bad thing because I can think of worse things than watching the little people that I love run around the field with the people that I love around me
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We catch up at Mother’s Group. Best thing that ever happened to me was joining a mother’s group with like minded mums. They have become my best friends. They make me feel grounded, loved and I know with them that I am never alone
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I’m the same!! My mothers group has been a saviour. We were strangers to start with and now we are all pretty close. We try to have mammas only catch up monthly. My close friends pre-bub, I dont really relate to as much any more. We have such different ideas on parenting and I feel I dont have much in common with them any more. Sad but true.
I like the first comment about brunch, what a great idea! I think I will make that suggestion to the girls!!
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My mother’s group has become my anchor. 5 years later these wonderful women are some of my dearest friends. We have nursed each other through joys and traumas and I know all I need do is ask for help and they’ll come running. For their sense of humor, genuine friendship and ability to drink alarming amounts of Sav Blanc I am eternally grateful x
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My BFF and I bought season tickets to the ballet. It has been such a wonderful reason to get together and I would definitely recommend it to anyone that wants a semi regular fixed date
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I belong to a book club and I look forward each month to book club night. We dont talk much about the books but we laugh, we eat and we just catch up on each others very busy lives. It really is an excuse to get together because most months we don’t even get through the books thath we were supposed to read
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I just love to chill with my friends. Do nothing in specific but hang out, i don’t mind if it is at home, at a coffee shop or at the park with the kids. I jsut love to be with my girlfriends
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It worries me that people lie to their children about havng time to themselves, I really find that extraordinarily sad. Women climbing out window like criminals and pretending to go to work – I just don’t get it. It’s not healthy for our children to feel like we have nothing in our lives but domesticity and work. While I don’t feel the need to take off for week with my friends, I don’t necessarily think it’s bad when people do. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 9 years and I think you can fall into the ‘domestic martyr’ trap which doesn’t do anyone in the household any good.
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The times I most often catch up with my best friend is when she and I get together with our kids. Between us we have 5 kids ranging in age from nearly nine to just about to turn 3. Thankfully they all play well and look out for each other. I would love to be able to share a “grown – up drink” with her from time to time, but for the time being a cup of tea and a natter while the kids play will have to do
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My best friend and I live in completey different states. We make time every couple of days (max!) to have an at least hour phone call.
We may only see each other every couple of years (when one or the other can afford the time and money for a holiday), but we always make time to talk.
She knows all my goings on, and as soon as the kids are asleep we do a quick text to see what the other is doing and then the chat begins. Whenever Im having a bad day I just know talking to her will leave my head clearer and happier
There is always time, you just have to prioritise it.
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Interestingly, when I want to go out for a drink with the boys, I get hell from the wife — and the 300 questions — and the ‘why don’t you want to spend more time with me instead’ (as if 6.5 days a bloody week were not enough). Double-standards ladies?
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Maybe in your situation, but none of us can answer for your wife.
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some women get this from their partners as well. Not quite a double standard, but troubling all the same. I’d put it down to a personality thing rather than a gender thing.
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Good question, Fred, and I don’t know the answer. BUT, and this might be a HUGE generalisation and not the case at your place, but a girls’ night out (if there are kids in the family) requires a heap more planning than the boys equivalent, so they don’t happen as often. Women may well bring this onto themselves, but they are often the ones that plan what happens at home while they’re gone. Fellas are more likely to say, ‘I’m off, back in a couple of hours.’ Rebecca told me women generally see themselves as managers of the household and said they need to ‘let it go’ for a bit and let the men take charge.
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HAHAHHAHA!! Your comment Fred is hilarious!! Do you work full time?? If you do you need to recalculate the 6.5 days a week.
And perhaps you should read all the other comment. Women arrange catch ups around kids, husbands, work, housework etc. We think about all of this stuff. When we do catch up it is mostly NOT going out for drinks that results in a hang over that renders us couch bound and unable to help at all with the kids. And need I talk about the frequency of this happening!!
PS – I’ve had this exact “debate” with my hubby MANY times!!
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I agree with what Kate has said Fred. Without being defensive, have a think about just how often your wife gets a night out? I will freely admit that I have to make a huge effort from reacting the same way as your wife does if my husband is off for the night – my first thought is ‘when do I get do that?’. And when I have been honest and said as much to my husband he says ‘well you could organise it too if you wanted’. The difference is that when the guys want to go out they just think ‘hmm, can I fit this into my work schedule? Yep. Let’s go!’. A woman in the same situation thinks ‘hmm, can I fit this into my work schedule? Is there any activities I have to take the kids to at that time? Who am I going to organise to look after the kids then? Is my partner home or do I have to ring around for a babysitter?’ etc etc. Do you see the difference? I am assuming in both the situations I just described that there are kids involved each time.
I think it is possible that your wife reacts the way she does because she is feeling resentful about the fact that you are going out and that it was easy to organise, and the 300 questions is not actually about ‘what are you up to?’ but rather ‘why can’t I be out and up to something as well?’. More than that she might be thinking ‘ If I have to spend all my time here, why can’t you want to share the misery?’!
That’s probably not exactly what she is thinking but hopefully you get the point!
This might not apply and your wife might get plenty of time to herself – I don’t know. I just know that it is entirely possible that this is the cause of the problem!
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this article is so true – as a mum of two busy pre-schoolers, working part-time, trying to ‘keep house’, I feel incredibly guilty when I make plans to catch up with my girlfriends & spend a little time away from my family. It can take quite a bit of co-ordinating as we all lead such hectic lives! Having said that, these times are ones I cherish as they allow me to be ‘me’ – not mummy, not a wife, or a colleague – and I can unload about the highs & lows of my life without any judgement or criticism!
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This post made me giggle because I did almost exactly the same thing the other day. I wanted to go to the theatre with my mum, but to avoid Miss 3 feeling left out I told her she and Daddy had to drop me off at the train station because I was “going to work”.
Never mind that it was a Saturday. Or that I don’t take the train to work
It’s hilarious that we have to sneak off from our kids to enjoy some ‘me’ time. When did time alone or with friends become a guilty pleasure that we don’t feel worthy of? I remember being lugged along as a kid to all my mum’s friend’s houses, while she had endless cups of tea… no matter whether I was bored or not. I just fitted in, and if I didn’t like it, tough. I could just go scribble on a drawing pad or play outside, and I did.
Now we stress out if we haven’t bought our kid’s tickets to Dora the Explorer Live to satiate their boredom, or prostrate ourselves on the altar of McDonalds to compensate for dragging them around the shops doing our errands.
Hmmm, I might just schedule another coffee chat with my mates
Sadly – but probably it’s quite common – for me, playgroup is my main social contact of the week. Luckily all my good friends go to the same one, so we get to catch up on goss while our kids play together. Win/ Win.
But we do miss our “adult” times together so try to schedule things like days out at the races, and movies. One of my fondest memories is sitting on the grass out the front of a winery with my bestie, skirts around our thighs and the sun beating down on our pickled heads as we shared a bottle of bubbly and laughs. For me, that connection is as vital as the air I breathe. My friends remind me that I’m not just a mum, I’m ME.
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I don’t think it is funny. I think it is sad. Your daughter needs to learn that mummy has a life too.
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she has plenty of time to learn, sometimes we do what we do to make it easier on that day, so mum can have a good time, and dad and daught are ok too. you get better at going out but it is hard at first..
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My best girl and I had a (completely sober!) conversation just last week about how important our relationship is – as important as any other we have. It was one of those light-bulb moments, when we realised – and said to each other – that we love each other passionately. What we have is very much like a marriage – a very happy marriage, though in our case it doesn’t involve sex.
My relationship with her is my most successful relationship.
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This is so close to my heart because my bestie and I (with seven kids between us) are off on a relaxing week long holiday on Saturday. No partners, no kids, no regrets. When I floated the idea she texted me “don’t care where, don’t care when, count me in”. We both love our families but we have very stressful lives and we needed a break. I cannot tell you how jealous my other friends are and once they get over the idea that we’re actually doing this they’ve asked to be counted in next time. It is all about giving ourselves permission for some mental health time.
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I have 3 absolute besites, two who live within walking distance and one 15 minutes away. We have been best friends for 20 years, since uni days and there is not a thing I do not know about them, or vice versa, I make it a priorty to spend time with them, which can range from a champers in the back yard with all the kids running around, to packing a passport and hitting Thailand for a week together.
They call bullshit on my bullshit and drop everything if there is a problem. We quite often think about the living situation in Big Love and wonder if it would work for us.
And we would drink the shit out of that Baileys. In about 9 minutes.
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God yeah, I always tell my best mate that if either of our husbands die the one left has to commit to polygamy!
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My best friend is dying of cancer – I wrote about it a fortnight ago. I just spent the weekend with her and it was all sorts of wonderful. Our 4 tiny children are the same age and adore each other. Her kids call me Auntie, my kids call her Auntie and we are interchangeable for cuddles, food or to solve a problem.
She is so sick, yet she is always concerned about everyone else – keeps asking how my work is going, how my marital problems are sorting out, whether I am happy.
Over the years we have laughed and cried about breastfeeding, sleeplessness, cranky toddlers, irritating partners and losing that baby weight! She is the most beautiful, most caring, most wonderful friend ever.
I am treauring the last little while with her.
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Your post made me cry! What a heartbreaking situation. I wish you lots of strength for the times ahead and hope you enjoy the beautiful time you do have with your friend. I hope one day the beautiful memories you have will be a comfort to her children too xox
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My heart is breaking a little for you, but wow how amazing your friendship sounds.
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I hope to goodness you get to share a bottle of baileys xx
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Thinking of you xoox
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Besties – You are the winner. Please contact me at lana@mamamia.com.au xxx
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My best friend has been amazeballs this last year. I came out of a five year relationship at the end of last year – you know, the one I thought I would share my life with – she was there from the get go.
Had me stay with her as many nights as possible (as the ex and I were still living together and trying to get the house sorted out) helped me move all of my stuff out, and his as he was a no show at the time.
I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her and the support she’s given me over this time. She is the one who has made me laugh again and I have sinced moved in with her full time. We always planned to live together when we were young and I’m glad that all of these years later we’re actually doing it. Love her to bits x
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I am envious of your friend iamevilcupcake
I have 3 kids work fulltime and my bestie is single
While i have asked her to come over a couple of time she really prefers to just spend time with me to have a girly chat without hubby and kids hovering around. She does get very annoyed at numerous cancellations. I email and call several times a week.
It just gives me something else to feel guilty about, i really need to find a best friend with a family!
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My best friend and I live 30 minutes away from each other. She is married with 3 teenage boys. I live by myself.
Most of the time I go to her place, her kids call me Aunty.
When she comes to my place, it’s to have a break from her family. I wait on her hand and foot, cups of tea, freshly made muffins or brownies. And for dinner we always have hard shell tacos, because her family don’t like the hard ones so she usually misses out.
It’s an opportunity to cry, and laugh, and have someone actually listen to her. My cats adore her too, so while I’m cooking dinner, she ends up with 2 cats in her lap.
Adore my bestie
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I’m giving you my thumbs up purely because of the hard shell tacos LOL.
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Tacos rule!
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Me too!
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you sound like an amazing friend! I bet you make all the difference to the craziness that can come with family life
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Your friend is so lucky to have you!
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I’m lucky to have her
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