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So, I got into a fight in a bar. This is not nearly as rock and roll as it sounds because it was a nail bar. You know, one of those cheap and cheerful salons where you can get a manicure or pedicure for $25.
And it wasn’t a physical fight – hey, my nails were wet. Still, it got pretty ugly.
There I was, sitting calmly with my feet soaking in the sudsy water and my nails being filed while I tried to balance my phone between my knees. Degree of difficulty: high. First world problem: you bet.
I barely noticed the woman when she walked in. Late 50s maybe, dressed nicely but low-key. Nothing fancy. And then she opened her mouth. “Are you very experienced?” she said loudly to the Vietnamese manicurist who nodded meekly. “I need someone who knows what they’re doing. I’m sick of getting bad manicures.”
Oh really?
The background chatter in the salon evaporated as everyone’s attention was drawn by the woman’s aggressive tone. She was also talking in that excruciatingly loud way some people do when speaking to migrants. She’s Vietnamese, I wanted to say. Not deaf. Or an infant. “Tell me something about that new Shallac nailpolish that lasts two weeks, can you?” she demanded as the manicurist, clearly intimidated, stumbled over her words trying to answer her barked questions. “Wait, what are you DOING?” interrupted the woman, snatching her hand back to examine it. “No, look! One side of this nail is higher than the other!” And so it went on. Every time the poor manicurist did one stroke of the nail file, the woman inspected her work and told her she was doing a terrible job. “No! Not like that! What are you DOING?” Now, I’ve had this particular manicurist before. Many times. She does not do terrible jobs. None of the women in the salon do. And you know what else? It’s a MANICURE. And it costs $25.
At one point, the manicurist said something in Vietnamese to a co-worker (as happens often among people whose first language isn’t English) and this caused the rude woman to crank it up a notch or four. “You know, it’s very rude to talk in another language when someone doesn’t understand it,” she scolded at full volume. “You’re being VERY RUDE!”
By this point, the manicurist was practically in tears and I was shredding my tongue, having one of those internal debates about whether to say something. ‘Maybe it will get better,’ I thought in the way bystanders often do. ‘Just leave it a bit longer.’ So I did and the poor manicurist bravely soldiered on.
But when the woman grabbed her hand away to inspect it for the hundredth time and declared, “Oh, this is hopeless, I could do a better job myself,” I found my voice. “Then why don’t you do it yourself?” I interrupted. She turned around, shocked, and started on me. “Why don’t you mind your own business?” she huffed. “Why don’t you go home and do your own nails?” I replied. “You’ve done nothing but complain and be rude since you walked in.” She stood up to face me and said, “I’m just sick of paying for a bad job and not saying anything and going home and not being happy.” I stayed calm but raised my voice to match hers, “Then don’t come! Leave! Nobody else here is unhappy!” “You’ve probably been here before and picked the best person!” she shot back. “Actually no, every woman in the salon has done my nails and they’re all fantastic. You have no right to be so rude to her or to anyone.” It went on a little longer before she picked up her Prada handbag and marched out.
As soon as she’d gone, the other customers congratulated me for speaking up. “Wasn’t she awful,” we all agreed. The manicurists thanked me. And for a little bit, I sat there reflecting on what had just happened, wondering if I might write a column about awful customers. People are forever complaining about bad service but anyone who’s ever worked in the service industry can tell you it goes both ways.
When I thought about it more though, I realised it was more than rudeness. It was bullying. And while I was glad I said something, I wish I’d said it earlier. And I’m ashamed I didn’t. The power balance in the interaction was so clearly unequal. There were language issues. Socio-economic ones. The Vietnamese woman couldn’t stand up for herself because she risked losing her job and the bully knew that.
If I’d had the presence of mind to call her a bully, she’d have been shocked and even more indignant. She would have insisted she was just giving feedback and standing up for her rights as a customer. But I call bullshit on that.
As a parent, I teach my kids about speaking up if they see someone being bullied but as adults, how often do we stay silent so as not to cause a scene, draw attention to ourselves or just not ‘get involved.’ There were half a dozen women in that salon who, just like me were appalled by what was going on and yet we all stayed silent. Never again.
Have you ever stood up to a bully? Or have you ever been a bully?
Comments
312 Comments so far
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Great great great article Mia. I myself am Vietnamese and I have seen this type of attitude towards Asians and it is appalling. I am generally a kind and nice person. I will never be rude unless provoked. What you did is a 10 thumbs up from me. People need to be stood up for especially when there is a barrier for them to stick up for themselves. I bet that woman did not expect that. I hope her dignity has lowered. I cannot understand for the sake of me why there are so many rude and obnoxious people in this world, were their lives so terrible they need to pass it onto others? Enough of my rant, I can go on for days. Good on you Mia, what goes around comes around and you, my dear has some good coming your way xx
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Good for you, Mia!
All I can hope is that angry, nasty woman will think twice before she bullies someone again.
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Just for something fun….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
This is a HUGE CRACKUP!!!
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1000 high fives to you Mia.
Don’t get me started on people asserting their “right to demand good service.” Often times, it’s a smokescreen used by those who feel the need to assert some semblance of authority or self-importance. In short…the bullies.
If/when brave bystanders like you stand up for the accused, the bully’s retort is usually a request for you to “mind your own business”. Fact is, there are oh-so-many times when we shouldn’t mind our own business. And this was clearly one of them!
Go girl. You rock. That is all!
Big Al
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If you want to see bullies, check out some forums. One recently left our private FB forum last week and it has been such a relaxed place since. People you didn’t even know were members are now posting because there is no fear! Of course she took off in a huff and will never admit she is a bully. We just hope she doesn’t return!
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High five Mia! I cannot stand to see this sort of behaviour… I was always told by my mother when I was growing up that all that evil needed to flourish in this world, was for good people to do nothing. I try to live by this as much as possible… and this incident stands out more than most for me.
I was 19 (I’m 24 now), and on a busy Sandy line train going home in Melbourne after work. It was peak hour, there wasn’t a seat left, and the majority of them were filled by professional adult men. A drunk man, clearly looking for a fight, came on the train, and began laying into a very young (maybe 18) Asian girl. She’d done absolutely nothing, and he laid into her like nothing I’d ever seen. She sat with her head down, and accepted all he said. Not one damn person said anything. He was right into her personal space and being verbally abusive in every colourful way he could think of. I couldn’t sit there and let it happen. I shakily (but bravely, I hope!) turned to him and told him that he couldn’t speak to people like that, and would he please stop. He turned on me and began to attack me for being ‘An Age reading princess” (really?!) I put my cross kinder teacher voice on and said if he didn’t like her, or I, he could go elsewhere and that no one was interested in his rudeness. After suggesting that I’d call police at the next station, he grudgingly got off the train… What was amazing was the amount of people (big grown men!) who said well done etc. I just felt so mad that no one else stepped in, that no one had enough decency to stand up for what was right.
To every one of you who has stood up for someone, and for what was right? I applaud you. Twice.
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Sounds like that woman will never be happy. Good one.
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Couldn’t agree with you more Mia.
What I particularly dislike is when you see a older customer totally berating a young employee who is about 16 or 17. Maybe even younger. It’s completely rude and I see it as a form of bullying as well. I’ve spoken up many times but often the older customer ends up having a go at me instead. I don’t mind though because every time it happens, and the older customer walks off in a huff, I’m always thanked by other customers and the employees themselves.
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You did the world a favour. Bullies need to be stopped in their stride so that it does not become a behaviour that is rewarded by them getting what they want rather than what they need.
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I will never forget my husband coming home from work one day and telling me about how a whole train load of people put up with a young boy on the train verbally abusing a young teenage girl and said nonthing. His job at the time was as the School Sargent for North Shore Private school and part of his job was to ride the train and check on the boys. He said he stood there for about two minutes and then spoke up, and told the boy about 15 or 16 to stop being so rude and to get off the train. Of course the boy spoke back to him too rudely to write here as you can imagine, and my husband said get off or I put you off at the next stop and come with you and sort it out on the platform. The next stop the boy got off my husband made to follow and then let the doors close on him to a tirade of abuse. He then looked back to the cabin, all the executives in suits, men still sat there staring at there papers. The girl thanked him, but no one else said anything. He was gob smacked that a commuter train at peak hour with a lot of men on it would allow a teenage boy to treat a girl like this. But he did worry for a little while then that he would see the lad and he would seek retribution. He never did. But continued to ride the train at school and stand up for people who were treated badly to show his young men what was the right thing to do. Well done Mia, sounds like you did it with grace, i probably would have been a lot ruder back.
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I have been bullied so many times but not so much anymore because I learned to stand up for myself as well as others.
The sad thing is most serial bullies were victims long before they were ever bullies. I often remind myself that the bully and I do in fact have a lot in common, it’s just I have made the choice to handle my problems more professionally and respectfully.
I think you are right Mia, if you openly tell someone they are a bully, they will do one of two things:
They will stop and think about it and take the opportunity to self-reflect or
They will become an even bigger bully and find a way to hurt you too. Either way, when no one stands up to a bully they end up with more and more power from their actions. In my opinion it’s worth the risk of being bullied yourself to call someone out on it. Most of us have been in that situation before and wouldn’t we have liked someone to speak up for us too?
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I was bullied so much at a job by an incompetent manager who refused to talk to me and would only ever communicate via email. We sat next to each other! She was absolutely rude, I tried putting it down to her culture to start with but realised it was only toward me.
When I went to the Director of HR for advice and putting a complain in, she advised me against it.
Goes to show what kind of a company culture that place had!
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Agree workplaces are sometimes the worst for bullies to operate. As a new 35 year old staff member at a regional council, I also experienced bullying by a 40 year old administrative assistant, who had only ever worked at that organisation and who was protected by our mutual manager. On following the procedures and reporting it to HR, I was the one who was offered personality-type assessment and counselling. A year later the organisation was issued with a WorkCover notification to address widespread bullying through a training session. Many long-suffering staff thought such training would only teach the bullies how to do it and get away with it. It was never really resolved, however this ‘bully’ turned out to be a bit wuss when other administrative staff stood up to her. I am happy to say that I have moved on.
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I recently was let go from a job at a church when I firmly stood up to the pastor’s wife. I had put up with her worsening snooty behaviour for about a year before I said anything. I did not realize for a long time that she was a bully because she seemed to have this demure, sweet angelic side. Everyone just about thought she was the epitome of the perfect pastors wife.
Her criticisms at first started out as “concerns” she was having about our African-american maintenance worker. He was an awesome employee. We had a hard time finding a good, dependable worker. We had a white guy last year who actually had the church looking like a pigsty, yet they hardly complained at all.
All-the-sudden, this new guy couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard he tried. Nothing was ever good enough. One day, she came to me and complained about how terrible he was and at that point I decided I had had enough. I looked her firmly in the eye and told her to back off and leave him alone. She ran to her husband and told him I “attacked” her verbally. I did not do that. All I did was stand up for our employee. I did not use any harsh language or name-calling yet she perceived that as an attack. I was fired the next monday. Now when I see former church members, many of them shun me.
I look back and question whether I was being the bully. She told everyone that she was just trying to help and portrays herself as the sweet, little lamb who was slaughtered by the big, bad wolf(me).
Is this normal for bullies to try to make you look like the bully and themselves the victims? Why do they perceive you as being the attacker and the bad when guy when you finally get tired of putting up with their crap and tell them off?
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Hi Stacey,
I’ve been in similar situations to the one you described. The pastor’s wife sounds like your typical “toxic” person. In my humble opinion, these people are worse than bullies. They are the scorpions of society.
I heard this story when I was a kid and it really stuck with me:
There was a scorpion and a frog. The scorpion needed to cross a big lake but he couldn’t swim, so he asked the frog for a lift to the other side. The frog said “No. You’ll sting me.” and refused. The scorpion promised not to sting the frog, so the frog agreed. So off they set across the lake, the scorpion perched on the frog’s back. When they were halfway across, the scorpion stung the frog and the frog asked why. The scorpion replied “Sorry, it’s just my nature.”
Don’t let that toxic woman be the scorpion that poisons the rest of your life. Swim on Stacey Frog!!
xx
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As a young teen going shopping with my mum at stores like David Jones/Myer, I used to see the retail assistants bullying my mum albeit in a subtle way. As soon as they saw her (beautiful Lebanese lady with a Muslim headscarf on) the look on their face was like they just passed a rubbish tip. There were some nice older ladies who worked there who were very nice to my mum, but as a young teen it p’d me off so much to see some of them treat her like crap and talk to her like she was an idiot… especially because most of the time she was super nice to them and totally naive of their snooty remarks or snobby behaviour. God bless her she’s just too nice sometimes. I smelt foul from a mile away. But I was young so too shy to say anything.
I think I’m stronger now than when I was younger, naturally. I envy one of my sisters though who has always been strong and able to defend herself quickly. I always think of the witty remarks when it’s a tad too late! Now that I wear the niqab (face covering as well as head covering) I cop a lot more bullying than usual but try to brush off most of it because I just have better things to do. If they’re really rude I usually give them my smiley eyes which gets them off guard. I’m too busy to defend myself all the time it can get pretty draining and depressing. If people are interested in genuine dialogue then I’m all up for it but if people just have a problem with me or the way I dress, then go ahead and waste your time whinging about it cos I couldn’t care less.
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Good on you, Mia. I’m from Asian background, and was raised not to talk back to people so I need more people like you to help us out from bullies.
Working in retails was like the nest of bullying. Not only from customers, but also from colleagues and managers. Once a customer told me to ‘speak better English’ as she could not understand my accent. A manager told us off for using the goods lift to pick up some plastic bag boxes from 6th floor, while she used it all the times (not for moving goods of course, but hey she’s the manager). These are two samples of our usual days.
But then after I quit working in retails, I realized bullies are just everywhere. Colleagues and managers in the office environment, the cleaner and head master of schools where I gave music lessons, customers in cafes. Most of the times they hide behind “customer right” excuses.
Seriously, do they really have to be so aggresive? Sometimes it made me think that maybe this is the Australian culture.
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I have just read this after reading a letter about it in Sunday Life. Well done, Mia. You did the brave thing that so many bystanders are afraid to do: speaking up. Working in retail myself, I have experienced and seen many episodes like this and am often afraid to stand up for myself for fear of losing my job. However, my confidence is beginning to build up and I am slowly starting to be more assertive in these situations, whether I am the target or the bystander.
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just got around to reading this in the paper (as was at the Australian Homebirth Conference last weekend) and was moved to tears. Good on you.
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I was recently in a shoe store and noticed one customer being particularly aggressive and rude. She was sitting down and pointing at shoes for the sales assistant to “fetch” for her. Whenever her hand hesitated above the wrong shoe she’d loudly “bark” at her “not that one, THAT one! NO, THAT one! Are you stupid?!”
It was horrible.
I was at the other end of the store, and when the girl came past she asked me if I needed anything and I asked her to get me the other shoe for one I’d chosen (as you do). She was looking very fragile and I smiled at her and said “looks like you’ve got your hands full there” indicating the other customer. She seemed to instantly relax then, because it was confirmation that it was the customer, not her, who had the problem.
I sometimes wonder about that woman. Whether she’d had a really bad day. A really bad life? There’s no excuse for taking it out on other people but it’d be interesting to find out what their story is…
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One of the few times I’ve stood up to a bully he was my own uncle.
I was in Los Angeles with my children staying in his apartment. Because we were his ‘guests’ he felt he had the right to boss and bully my young sons who were only 11 and 7 at the time.
He told off my 11 year old for not offering to buy him an ice cream at Sea World, he chided both of them for eating too many Twinkies (hey it’s a holiday!) and the final straw was making 11 year old cry because he had taken a french fry off his plate and eaten it before uncle was seated and ready to eat. I had bitten my tongue until then but far out…l lost it!
I am a timid person and have always backed down from bullies (was bullied incessantly in high school) so this was a biggie for me. It was my boy and he had made my boy cry!! I told him firmly he was being a bully – bullying an 11 year old child was totally unacceptable and wrong.
I was shaking and terrified but held firm. He blabbed on about ‘back in my day kids had manners’ – and tried to justify his rudeness. He was totally shocked that I had stood up to him and the kicker – he rang my MUM to complain that I was rude….I was 45 years old at the time….WHAT????
Anyway, I packed us up and was calling a cab to take us to a hotel when he – sort of – apologised and asked that we all sleep on it. He apologised to my son the next day.
The holiday continued but it fractured our relationship. Where do adults get off thinking bullying a child is okay? He is a mean, bitter old man.
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And that is why I read mamamia, cause sometimes Mia you are super inspirational!
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Mia, thank you for sharing this story. I hope that next time I see someone being bullied I am brave enough to stand up to them too.
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We’ve always brought up our kids to be thankful and respectful to people from all walks of life. My daughter, at age 15, got a job at Le Pain Quotidien in BJ. Good on her! She was stunned to see how rude and difficult people can be, just over their cup of coffee. Coffees were constantly returned with no good reason, just so people could flex their muscles, or pay out when having a bad day. She’s a lovely gentle girl, and learnt quickly that not everyone is the world has been brought up like her. Like I’ve always said, money does not breed manners.
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Mia I just read your article in Sunday Life, and good on you for saying something. In a previous life I was a professional who was respected in my job and people paid for my opinion so was quite protected from bullies like that. My husband and i now have our own business that involves customer service, most people are fine but it’s not those you remember, it’s the people who speak to you as though you are piece of dirt on their shoe who stick in your mind. I try to shrug it off and remind myself those people are a minority but it really is awful. Never in my life would I speak to people, no matter who, doing whatever job, the way the woman in your article did. What is wrong with some people??
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Good on you Mia!
I was bullied all through school beacuse I was Vietnamese. I was punched, scratched, pulled, told I was ugly…but the worse were the mornings when walking into school, and kids would circle me chanting ‘ASIAN INVASION…ASIAN INVASION!’. It was a horrible time, but what was much worse was watching my parents go through the same treatment, even today. Even as a child I could see the pain my parents felt being humiliated in front of their children and not having the power to protect our innocence. I lived in crippling fear that my parents would be bashed to death everyday. My parents being hurt always hurt me more, especially as now, as I finally can stand up for myself, but they can’t (they speak perfect English, but try defending yourself with quick wit and ease of expression in a second language).
This kind of treatment just kills me. Alot of migrants are here because they fled awful situations from their homelands. However I don’t know any that live here with resent. All migrants that I know have great courage to move forward with their lives with hope and opportunity. How awful would it be, to be hopeful, to find work in the community (which isn’t easy when all your hard work experience and educational credentials amount to practically nothing in a new country) – only to be subjected to bullying and racism? It’s no wonder that alot of migrants stay within their communities and feel passive and powerless away from them.
I was like that too, until I recently found my voice through the uprising of likeminded people. I regret living the first part of my life in fear and shame, like the time when a friend and I felt we had to wear big sunglasses to music festivals, so no one could “see” our Asian eyes and mock and bully us. I used to not stand up to other people being bullied, I was afraid that when the bully turned around and saw my face, that they would bully me too! Now I don’t care.
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your story is heartbreaking. Although i never as seriously bullied at school as you were, it was terrible to see the bullying and racism towards my parents. You’re right. it hurts more to see it towards them because you do think that someday people will grow out of it, but seeing that just makes you wonder if people actually do grow up.
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Thanks Anonymous, I am so sorry that you had to go through such bullying as a child – I think most migrant kids do at least at some stage, and I hope this will change someday. I can understand the worst part would be wanting to protect your parents from bullying and humiliation, it breaks my heart to think about it
It’s good that you found your voice now. I honestly think there are good and bad people in the world. And lack of education, problems in your own life etc are no excuse to treat other people like crap. You can always have your dignity and a good heart and bullies can’t change that or take it away from you.
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This is just appalling. I’m really angry that you and your family were humiliated in that way.
Makes me feel ashamed of my country.
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Good on you Mia for saying something! Over a $25 manicure too, dear oh dear.
My husband’s a barber and he’s always dealing with rudeness from men over a $20 haircut – testosterone’s always at its peak in a barber shop!
Once, when I was in there, one man would stand up and check in the mirror after every time he brushed his hair and went on about how it was too short last time (but he says that every time he comes back). He hadn’t even started cutting! So my husband just told him, “if you don’t like the way I cut your hair, why the *bleep* do you keep coming back? *bleep* off!” swiveled the chair and showed him the door. It was the last straw that day!
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Good on you, Mia. I suspect what some others are saying about remaining calm and having a quiet word may have also done the trick just as well as standing up as you did, or even better (depending on your tone, I don’t know how loudly, angrily or in what tone you said what you said). But in the heat of the moment we all do the best we can and I’m sure the manicurist would have been grateful.
I am forever surprised at myself for the things that come out of my mouth when someone is being rude to others, for the times when I do say something. All of a sudden you’ve stood up to them and then have a little panic of “was that me?” I do, anyway.
But for every time I do say something, there are so many more when I don’t. I regret those so much more than saying something. No matter how much better I could have handled it, at least I tried.
One thing about bullying haunts me – why is it easier to stand up for others than ourselves? If that woman had been speaking to me that way in my workplace, with English as my first language, my workplace backing me (they have a strong anti-bullying stance) and none of the other reasons why that woman had the upper hand, I probably would have been too shocked to say anything at all.
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I have found that when I complain without raising my voice and with a smile on my face, almost anything that I require to have fixed is fixed.
A case of using honey rather than vinegar to catch the fly.
Admittedly, some people don’t care about your complaint so all of the honey in the world will be wasted. But still far better to spread honey than pour vinegar.
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Honey often helps, but I have also observed that men often get taken more seriously when complaining about poor products or services than when women do.
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I complain about stuff a fair bit. Because I know that complaints are often the only way companies and government agencies find out about things that are a problem/aren’t clear.
I got a new phone the other day, and the instructions are woeful. As is the website. I was on the phone to tech support because I was trying to follow the instructions in the book (and I’m no dummy with techy stuff) and couldn’t find what I was supposed to on the website. I called tech support and SHE couldn’t find it either! So I lodged a complaint and said that the instruction book was crap and clearly a translation from the Korean original. She also mentioned that the website had been changed recently. I said “when they redo it again, tell them to get their Mum or Dad (or someone else who isn’t an IT Geek and has no idea) to navigate it and set up a smartphone without asking for help and see how they go”. It’s a huge hassle – government agencies are the same. Their processes and websites are generally written and tested by people who know what they’re doing and the jargon, so they aren’t written for the people actually using them!
I usually have to make it clear that it isn’t the person I’m speaking to that I’m complaining about, it’s the processes or website or whatever. Also I try not to get agro if it isn’t their fault. And it usually isn’t. But if you are crap at your job, I certainly will tell you and make a complaint. **Looking at the guy at Centrelink who said “Computer says no” to me.**
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I will always make that distinction too,
However I sometimes think companies use that to avoid taking responsibility for the things that don’t work too.
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Beautifully put, Bradley
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I think power is a basic human need, along with food & shelter.
These people who try to lord it over retail & service workers are trying to exercise the only bit of power they think they have in their otherwise sad lives.
I’m sure there’s a story behind the way Ms fake-Prada-bag was behaving.
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Ladies & Gentlemen, have a look at this…
http://www.customerssuck.com/
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I have stood up to a girl on the train who was blasting her music from her iPhone. Massive pet hate. I told her it was rude and could she turn it down. I got “No! I have every right to play it, and the lyrics aren’t offensive”
Umm.. I couldn’t care less about the lyrics, but did it occur to you that you are disrupting a whole carriage who really don’t want to hear someone elses tunes blasting on the train at 7.30am? She replied to this by saying “Well I must be a rude bitch then!”
Well, if the shoe fits..
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I’ve noticed as my parents have become older they complain more. We avoid going out to restaurants with them these days because we know that something wont be to their liking, they’ll copmplain loudly and send it back. I dont think they even realise they’ve become like it. And I dont want to be the one who tells them they are embarressing.
I just have to make mental note not to become a whingey old person too!
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Agreed. My parents don’t just whinge their heads off, they can’t take a joke. If I say “God you’re a dork Mum!” She’ll get really upset and say “Don’t call me a dork!” Dad will jump in and say “Don’t speak to your mother like that” and if I try to explain it was a joke Dad will just shake his head and say “You weren’t joking, you always pick on us”
Does. My. Head. In.
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are we related?? My Mum does exactly the same. Except if it’s me or Dad they’re picking on, then she joins in but if we’re stirring her, she CRACKS it!!!!! And she complains in restaurants all the time and in stores she is so rude to people, it is not unusual for me to apologise on my way out for HER rudeness!
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YESSSS!! My parents too!!
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Mine too!
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haha Mine too! Then they get all disappointed and start talking about respect and how I could treat them that way “after all we’ve done for you”…sigh. I’m 31 years old…It was a JOKE!
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Maybe they’re just less worried about being embarrassed and feel more comfortable speaking up for themselves? I think so much grief could be avoided if more people knew how to complain and did it promptly and respectfully. It’s when they’re not assertive and are usually passive that it seems to go pear shaped, as they seem to think that aggro equals speaking up for yourself.
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Yes, I think you have it dead-on for most of the bullying cases. There are so many people who resort to filthy glares, insults, exaggerations, interrupting and venomous tones immediately. It’s worrying when so many people over their early-twenties act this way- especially if they have children/grandchildren with them. If you can’t be calm, then you shouldn’t complain until you’ve composed yourself. Even if you’re having a horrible day, behaving badly is simply more understandable but it’s never an excuse.
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Yes, Grumpy Old Man/Woman syndrome… my parents have this too. My dad used to be the life of the party and always having a laugh. These days he complains and rolls his eyes at everything – everything! And mum is no better, she is so glass-half-empty. It’s actually at the point where I find it easier not to see them often as I always leave feeling weighed down in my chest from listening to all the negative bullshit.
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Yes, my parents used to be so light hearted and fun, now they’re like Captain Serious! My parents spent most of the weekend not talking to each other because dad did the vaccuuming. It wasnt done to mums liking. I told her she complains that he does nothing, then complains about whatever he does when he does it. I can see why he does nothing with her critical attitude. I dont think she’s talking to me now either!
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Maybe it’s an old person thing? My dad is still pretty laid back but my mum complains about everything although she does it quietly. She always orders the same meal if we dine out (fish and chips) and there is always something wrong with it, but luckily we are the only ones to hear about it.
Hubby is beginning to do his share of complaining too! I call it ‘pensioner syndrome’.
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I used to work in retail and one day a lady came in and basically barked her orders at me, absolutely no manners and behaving very rudely. I kept quiet and then just thought ”If I serve her, I will hate myself for it all day” so I refused to serve her and told her to go and call my manager if she had anything else to say. She was shocked and kept saying ”You can’t refuse to serve me” and I said ”I would rather get the sack than serve you” so she finally stormed off.
Working in retail, I had so many rude customers. One lady came back to my register and accused me of not giving her the receipt. She stood there threatening to ‘smack me’ at which point her young daughter said ”Check your pockets mummy” and she reached in and pulled out her receipt! Without apologizing she stormed off and continued cursing me for ‘bad customer service!!’
It would always amaze me how blatantly rude people were to retail staff. The most annoying thing was when people would throw money on the counter….who DOES that?
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“Smack” you?…. WTF?
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When I was 18 I used to work at Hungry Jacks and mann, nightshift/graveyard shift were the killers. You’d get the really drunk people! I had this man DEMAND his order LOUDLY and just treated me like absolute shit, the girls at front counter were actually laughing and didn’t say anything cause they thought I knew the guy. I was like No, did I look like I thought it was funny? What annoyed me even more, was his friend, who looked like he wasn’t pleased with his friend’s behaviour, didn’t say anything.
Scarred for life and I certainly got out of hospitality quick smart!
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Hear! Hear! This was my very similar experience – versus a 150kg man, no less!
http://sunnybondi.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-lover-not-fighter.html
I still get anxious re-reading this blogpost and the ‘incident’ happened six months ago!
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OMG, good on you. Awful experience, but he so deserved to be kicked out. What is WRONG with people??
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I just read your story, you poor thing. I have to wonder how he treats his poor wife in the privacy of their home if thats how he treats people in public.
Concerts can make people very self rightious and arrogant. We went to see U2 at Homebush stadium last year. We had good aisle seats in a bay quite close to the stage. So inevitably that means people will leave their own seats further away, run down the front and squeeze onto the stairs to dance. As my seat was on the aisle I had one particular couple who were squeezing, dancing and pushing into my space so much that she was actually stomping on my feet (I was dancing in front of my seat) and at one stage she was standing in front of me, between me and the seat in front of me. When I asked her to move she ignored me and kept dancing and waving her arms around. Then she spilt her beer on me and that was enough. When she apologised I told her she was a pest, she’s invaded my space, trampled on my feet and now I smell of beer. I told her to go and annoy someone else. They left swearing. Further down the front of course!
I dont get it, I would never leave my seat to try and squeeze into someone elses space closer to the stage. What dont some people understand about right and wrong behaviour?
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Why would you think the dress circle would be a better class of person at a concert??
Good on you for speaking up, though. I’ve had some awesome arguments with jerks at concert. My friend and I memorably head butted a bloke at a Hunters and Collectors gig once. Mark Seymour was highly impressed! LOL
He was really wasted and “dancing” – ie bashing into everyone around him and we were against the stage, so we were just getting pounded by the dickhead, and he was trying to pull people away so he could get where we were. Mark Seymour was right there watching and miming to us to elbow him out of the way, which we’d been trying. So in the end at the loud “Never gonna DIE” bit of When The River Runs Dry, we grabbed the stage and launched back onto him. He disappeared. Life was good.
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I can relate!
I went to the Usher concert and we were on a sort of corner seat. next to my friend was this fat chick and her bf. we were at a concert so, of course we were standing up dancing (it was the support act). My friend gets nudged and told to “sit the f* down” she’s the nice/sheltered type and of course sits down. she tells me when I sit down and I was like “who cares! just get up anyway!” She kept nudging her and telling her to sit down so I sat down with her, it was during the slow jams anyway.. But once the tempo picked up we just got up anyway and danced away! bwahahahaha!
COME ON! It’s CONCERT! Who doesn’t stand and dance at a concert!!? It’s not the theatre! If they want to just sit and watch, THEY should buy a DVD.
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Sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree.
If you want to dance, buy a floor ticket, not a seating one.
People with seating tickets want to sit and enjoy the show.
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The dance floor sells out first, so you have to go in the seats. Believe me, I’d rather be dance floor than stuck in the seats with people whinging!
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I dont mind people dancing – at George Michael a few years ago that was all us oldies wanted to do
But if you have to dance and missed out on dance floor seats please stay in your own space and dont race to the front, dance in the walkway and annoy others who are keeping to their own space and trying to enjoy their night too.
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OK, if I jump up in my seat and dance?
I’m 6′ 2″. I want to get up and dance, but know that I’m seriously going to wreck the act for people behind me.
I’m not huge, but I could probably tell 70% of gig goers to f. off with impunity.
You sweet if I jump up in front of you and then tell you to p*ss off when you ask me to sit down?
I guarantee that you’d leave the place feeling that you’d wasted your money.
Who’s the bully if that were to occur? Why should I act with restraint if you don’t?
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I also disagree. I’m happy to sit in the seat and clap and sing along. My greatest peeve at a concert is having to stand up because someone in front of me has chosen to stand and piss about dancing. Standing doesn’t help me at all – I just make 5′.
If you want to dance, go down the front.
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Yeah! I went to the one and only Madonna concert in Sydney back in 1993 or 1994 – had great seats about 10 rows from the front – and as soon as she comes out everyone shot out of their seat dancing. Fine and dandy – it IS Madonna after all – but I’m 5’1″ and all I saw for my $140 (a fortune back then) was the top of Madonna’s head. Yep, I say sit the f*down at least for SOME of the time!
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i agree – it’s more fun if you get up. How many gigs have you been to where they’ve said “Ah now, those of you dancing, sit down”? I can’t think of any. Can certainly think of plenty of shows I’ve been to where the performers try to get everyone up though!
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Good on you Mia! This is such a great example of the bystander theory, that it’s actually those who see bullying, and not the bullies or bullied that can make the most difference, quickly and efficiently! If all workplaces, schools etc did this it would eliminate bullying, not to mention in shops, restaurants, public transport! See it, say something! if bullies know their behavior is culturally inappropriate and never tolerated they won’t do it. Bystanders are also part of the bullying equation, but happily really part of the solution!
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Um. Is anyone else NOT the slightest bit disturbed by the fact that this whole “article” is sanctimonious bollocks?
Those nail places exploit immigrant workers. The only reason they’re so cheap is because they pay those poor Vietnamese girls next to nothing to work there, and their working conditions often leave much to be desired.
Mia, of course the woman you stood up to was acting like a racist arsehat, and you were right to put her in her place…but you don’t think it’s just the teensiest little bit wrong that you, a squillionaire, can’t afford to pay someone more than twenty bucks for a manicure? Regardless of her race, do you really think it’s perfectly ethical to sit there while some underpaid girl does your nails for you?
You could just, you know, paint your own damn nails, like the rest of us non middle-class types have to do.
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Pretty sure the post is about standing up to bullies and defending those who can’t defend themsleves, not about manicures. And Mia feels that she should have spoke up sooner–that isn’t sanctimonious. By telling how she stood up to a bully, Mia is showing others that it can be done, so maybe others will do it. And this is a blog. That is what bloggers do. Write about their experiences.
I think there is a very positive message in this post. Thanks Mia.
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I love the word arsehat – I am going to use it from now on.
I have heard this about these nail bars, but have yet to see any real evidence of it. If it is so why have industrial relations not got on their backs? Is there not a minimum wage that protects them?
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Because the Industrial Relations Commision got the flick through Work Choices and the Labour Government has not re-instatefd all the rights we lost. People like the women in the nail bars and others with not a lot ability to stand up for themselves have been grossly affected by this. Just watch Australia’s divide between the haves and have nots explode!
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Err, no. Trust me, Fair Work (or whatever they are called these days) are ALL about employees, not employers. Work Choices was by far a fairer all round system. Not sure about those girls conditions, but don’t tell me it’s about “the system”.
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How was Work Choices fairer all round for women in their situation as suggested? They have limited English, I doubt they’d be educated about unions and the ins and out of membership and their rights…
Even the Coalition who brought Work Choices in recognised it was shithouse!
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Yes I have to agree, another example of modern imperialism at work.
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Whilst you are fully entitled to your opinion, that’s what this site is all about, in my opinion your response is loaded with assumptions
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I am incredulous that you would sit there and assume you know the state of Mia’s finances. How dare you?
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How dare she? LOL
Its pretty well known that Mia is very wealthy – whats so rude about stating that fact?? Obviously “squillionaire” is an exaggeration.
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Funny… This woman who used to do my nails in one of ‘those’ salons used to tell me about her childrens private school, to which I of the middle class that can afford a manicure could not afford to send my children to… or about the house she just bought in quite a nice area…
Maybe your facts are a bit wrong?? Not saying that they earn a fortune but certainly not underpaid.. Nurses are underpaid, police officers are underpaid, social workers are underpaid….
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From a straw poll of one person, you’ve deduced that no-one working in these places is underpaid? Perhaps it was her husband or partner earning the big bucks which afforded her family the luxuries you quite clearly covet.
Do the maths – you’re in there for approx one hour for the manicure. They have to pay for wages, rent, other overheads and also factor in profit for the owner – all from a measly 25 bucks for the hour. Not sure about nurses and social workers but given that the starting wage for a police officer in NSW is over $50,000 pa and taking the above into account, I would hazard a guess that these workers are not earning as much money per hour.
Perhaps it’s you who needs to check up on your facts first?
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who takes an hour to do a manicure?
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Actually meant to say pedicure cos I’ve had one at one of those salons and it takes about an hour, so can only assume that a manicure is similar? Correct me if I’m wrong. Still doesn’t take away from the premise of my response to OssieLeo.
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Ofcourse they’re not earning $50 000 a year, nurses and police are highly skilled workers who are responsible for peoples lives. Nail technicians don’t get paid that much because they are not uni trained and are not highly skilled workers.
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This is not about what Mia can’t or can afford or how much money she has in the bank. This women might of gone to some Double Bay salon, paid $100 for a manicure and pedicure and it still wouldn’t be good enough. This article was about bullying and rubbish behaviour and her lording it up over someone because she thought she could.
Far as I can tell…those salons do a roaring trade and might be able to afford to charge those prices. That girl might own the salon and the others share in the handsome profits…or they might be underpaid…we don’t know (I know I’m drawing a long bow here…but). I think your being a little sanctimonious and a tad patronising to assume that migrants or anyone who is in the service/beauty industry is somehow marginalised or being treated like a ‘slave’ or are being underpaid or you should feel sorry for them out of some misplaced guilt. Working in one of those salons regardless of your circumstances or race is hard work. A job is a job.
I have had my nails and feet done in those places and a alot of them are clean, well run and efficient. The girls seem to be treated well and hard working…they just get on with it. You walk in, no appointment necessary…your in and out…they are a great concept and that’s the reason why they do so well.
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what surprises me is that people don’t realise it takes the same amount of energy (or even less) to just be nice. when i have a nice customer there is almost nothing i wouldn’t do to make sure their service is perfect. being rude to staff doesn’t get any more out of them. it just makes them flustered and angry, and you can bet your bottom dollar the second you walk out that door all the staff will be bitching about that horrible rude lady.
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Yes! Maybe it’s hard when you’re in a bad mood, but it won’t kill you to try to be pleasant- when it’s for temporary settings like going into a shop or getting coffee, it can help you feel better, especially if the other person responds well. I’m not advocating lying about your problems to everyone as such, but more of a ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ idea. Smiling to the bus driver and saying “Hello” as you tag on doesn’t hurt. Not getting help for chronic illness/depression because ‘you don’t want to complain’ does.
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maybe we are all complicit to bullying by even using those cheap nail salons. The reality is the fees are so cheap as the workers are paid very little. It costs 10 of thousands of dollars per month in rent to even be in a shopping centre let alone make a profit.
The reality is those businesses are often associated with exploitation of workers and illegal activity such as month laundering.
I would much rather pay $60 for a manicure and know then person doing it gets plenty of the money.
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They should be getting paid the award wage, otherwise its against the law. I’m sure those types of businesses get audited by Fair Work Australia all the time….
I’m more concerned about the hygeine in there – I’d rather pay $60 for a pedicure or manicure from somewhere that wasn’t infested with foot fungus!! I know about 3 people (including my mum) who picked up a fungus from one of those places, and is still trying to get rid of it! You get what you pay for….
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If she did her own nails…if everyone did their own nails….the Vietnamese girl would be out of work….that girl came here to have a better life, and even if the pay is little, it provides a living. As you may be aware, most unskilled labour jobs have low pay. And in doing so it attracts migrants. Very judgmental of you, and I think it is a failure to understand the greater socioeconomic factors that bolster first world countries.
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ditto to everything you just said and well said it was.
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How exactly do you know they are under paid??
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I know of a girl that worked in one of those places for $8.00 an hour cash in hand (an apparently she said it was common practice). She was happy with that amount because of the type of visa she was visiting on meant she is not allowed to work at all. Way below the national minimum wage of 15.61
I would be wary of using these places after seeing todaytonight and aca stories on them and the horrbile infections people have developed after visiting.
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Because we all know ACA and Today Tonight are the bastion of fine journalism.
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You read my mind!
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HA! Oh snap. I hate those shows with PASSION, they are 20% fact, 150% bullshit.
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It’s a simple calculation. You look at the assumed cost to run the business (rent etc) and then you look at the price they are charging. Unless they have some magical sweet rent deal and free fittings there is no way many of those places are paying full proper wages.
Coming from a hospitality background I am constantly suprised at how naive people are about the cash economy. Some people come out on top with cash (if they are recieving a govt benefit for example) but many are just desperate and willing to take less to have a job. It’s hard to track down as people don’t complain.
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Do the math- the av nail place would pay over 35000 rent a month before even getting into costs, staff fittings etc. Does allow for much of a wage.
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I loove the nail colour. I want to get that kind of shade or a similar shade green one. And you know, grow my nails first cos I currently bite them :-/
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Mia, I’m not giving you schtick for standing up for the manicurist (it was a very nice gesture, brave and probably the right thing to do) but, for argument’s sake, there are a number of ways you could have handled the situation.
Firstly, I don’t think you waited too long to speak up. I think it was the right thing to do to give it a bit of time – at the end of the day, it wasn’t your battle to fight.
It’s great that you stood up for her but, as you said, she’s not an infant. And she can speak English (even if it’s not her strongest language). She could have stood up for herself if she wanted to. Her job might not have been on the line – you just assumed that.
Another approach could have been to say, very calmly and considerately, to the woman, ‘Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude but your tone is really upsetting me, some of the other customers and, I’m sure, this lovely manicurist who has done a wonderful job on my nails many times. If you’re not satisfied with her work then perhaps you should go elsewhere.’ If she turned around complained about being sick of having bad manicures and going home unhappy, you could have said, ‘I understand how you feel but that’s no reason to be short with the manicurist and disturb everyone in the salon. If you’re going to stay and give her a chance – I promise you, she’s extremely good at her work – then can you please be a little more polite, as your tone is making me feel very uncomfortable.’ It’s unlikely that she would have stayed, but at least you would have got your point across in a more dignified manner, and in a way that didn’t undermine the manicurist and/or her business.
The reason I’m picking this to pieces is because I’ve done what you did a number of times and I’m not sure I’d do it exactly the same way again – but I’m sure I’ll find myself in one of those situations again, as many of your readers will at some point. Personally, I want to handle it in the most skillful way possible, as they are rather sticky kinds of situations.
Nice nails, by the way.
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Regarding: “At the end of the day, it wasn’t your battle to fight:”
“First they came for the communists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.”
–Pastor Martin Neimoller, 1892-1984
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Yes I think equating nail salons with the Holocaust is a little bit rich.
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Not equating to Holocaust–it’s about the behaviour, not the location. Too often we walk around saying “not my problem”–until we are the ones being treatly poorly and wonder where everyone is to jump to our aid. Karma, people.
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English philosopher Edmund Burke said, ‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’
I think this applies in any situation. Plus how do you know what will happen at any given time that might not lead to something worse?. It is possible that the person you make think about their behaviour actually really does and makes a change. Maybe they are that mean to their kids and this kick in the pants makes them review the way they relate to others. Not saying it’s definite but who knows?
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I agree Missamoo. I apply that quote in every situation.
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I AGREE!!!!!!
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yeah well sometimes when you are upset and you have about 3.5 seconds to think of something it doesnt always come out as well as when you have a keyboard and backspace button in front of you. I don’t know about anyone else but I always think of better comebacks about 5 hours after I have had an argument with someone..
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That’s why it’s worth thinking about it NOW – so, next time, you’ll know what to do in 3.5 seconds. That was the whole point of my comment. I’ve done what Mia’s done before, a couple of times, and I’m not sure I want to do it in the same way next time – and there will most likely be a next time.
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Sometimes we need the backing of someone else…someone’s else voice to say…Yes…that person was horrible…and no…it’s not just me. To say that it wasn’t Mia’s battle to fight is just nonsense. I think Mia handled it the best way how at that instant. You are being picky here.
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It’s that silly box of thoughts again!
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Why do I feel like most of you didn’t understand my comment?
I wasn’t saying that Mia shouldn’t have stepped in. I was saying that there are different ways to step in with a situation like that and I, for one, would like to get it right the next time I’m faced with it – cause I’ve done it Mia’s way before, and then, afterwards, haven’t felt 100% right about it.
As rude as the woman was, she wasn’t committing a crime – so it’s impossible to compare it to a situation where a person is being physically abused/raped/tortured/killed. In those situation, the perpetrator is clearly in the wrong – and ‘innocent’ bystanders become not so innocent when they turn a blind eye. This was different. I hope you can appreciate the distinction.
Also, over the years, I’ve found that scolding someone (no matter how ‘wrong’ they are) doesn’t really work. If Mia wanted to be super fair and reasonable about it, she could have approached the rude woman more gently. Of course, no one would FEEL like approaching her gently – they’d feel like telling her where to go – but when it’s not your fight then it’s not your place to tell someone where to go.
Watching the verbal attack play out, my first instinct would be to jump in. Then I’d think to myself, ‘Who am I to send this customer packing? It’s not MY nail bar. If the manicurist is willing to put up with this treatment then that should be her choice – even if it doesn’t make sense to me.’
Perhaps I would have asked the manicurist if she was okay. That might have been the happy medium between saying nothing and completely bulldozing the customer out of the store.
I’m just using this situation as a case study and an opportunity to brainstorm more constructive solutions, as I’m sure I’ll find myself in a similar predicament again one day. I’m not criticizing Mia’s instincts or behaviour in this instance. You might think I’m being ‘picky’, but I think it’s a great opportunity to sit back, have a think about it and learn something.
Anyway, I hope that’s a little clearer.
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I totally get you Hmmmm – which is why I made my comment above about the Niemoller, Burke and Einstein quotes – written about genocide – getting appropriated to apply to bullying.
You’re not alone
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Hmmm’s response is far too PC for my liking, Mia was very controlled and I would have told the bully woman to take a hike too, but maybe with a few more choice words thrown in so that she was well and truly on her way! Love your work Mia!
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I think speaking to the woman gently wouldn’t have worked in this case- a lot of bullies are relentlessly stubborn no matter how nicely you disagree with them. That woman was nasty and sneering as soon as she walked in, not merely an displeased customer reacting impolitely. Also what Mia first said (“Then go home…”)- that’s something that can easily slip out if you’re angry at someone complaining. I know I have sorely wanted to say it to a few ‘special snowflakes’ (luckily I didn’t). Considering Mia was angry and now suddenly up against this bullying woman herself, she was rather controlled and articulate. It’s easy for something like that to turn into a screaming match or petty personal insults and given that the staff were relieved rather than scared, I don’t think it did.
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Mia good on you for sticking up for her. I did the same things in a service station. The man in front of me in the line was being hideously rude (and a bully) to the Indian girl behind the counter. He said, “Listen lady…I’m a busy man” at which point I interrupted with, “Don’t call her lady, it’s extremely rude.” Like your bully, he spun around in total shock that anyone was sticking up for her. “What did you say?” he said threateningly. But I held my ground, “Don’t call her ‘lady’, it’s rude.” After I left the service station, I realised they were following me and I got an orange thrown at my car on the freeway. I felt a bit scared, and I don’t think he would have thought twice about what I said, but at least the service station attendant would have felt that somebody cared about her dignity and noticed that she was being mistreated.
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That’s the trouble in this day and age, most people don’t want to get involved in case the bully ends up being a total nut job and goes crazy on them! You were lucky to only get an orange thrown at your car, but it could have been much worse (thank god it wasn’t)…. There are a lot of weirdo’s out there.
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The customer is NOT ‘always right’!!!!
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Am I the only one here who has a sudden overwhelming desire to paint their nails?
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I was in one of those nail bars a few weeks ago and was embarressed to notice the way the woman next to me was speaking to the lady doing her pedi. She kept bossing her and instructing her in the way she wanted her pedicure done. In the end she snatched the loofa from the poor girl and scrubbed her heels herself. These women work on tight timetables and dont have time to cater to every demanding whim of each customer. They work to a format and charge accordingly. If you dont like what they do I suggest you go to a beautician, make a one hour appointment and pay triple the price to have your demands met! And its still no excuse to be arrogant.
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I worked retail as a uni student and on most days customers were pleasant. However i encountered a very difficult customer one day.
It was just after New Years and the customer wanted to pay for some items using a general shopping centre gift voucher which we did not accept. I said “I’m sorry, unfortunately we don’t accept gift vouchers here” to which she replied “Well you should have a sign”. I replied “Oh we do have a sign it’s just on the door” She payed cash for the items and went away.
5 minutes later i got a phone call, it was a woman who said “I’d like to speak to the person who just served me, not the Asian lady (referring to the other sales assistant). When i said that must have been me she went nuts yelling “Listen to me you stupid slut, you all looked at me like i was f&$#ing crazy. You’re stupid, that’s why you are working retail. With a surname like yours, i expect no less (my father is Indian and so i have an Indian surname). I got so offended i hung up the phone and got teary.
There is no way i deserved that. I was just doing my job. Sometimes people are just rude. I concluded that they must have pretty sad lives to talk to someone like that. I would advise, next time you are rude to someone who is giving you a service, be fair and firm but not rude. Imagine if it was your daughter or son. You wouldn’t want anyone to talk to them like that.
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That is just crazy! What a low life person. You are clearly way better! Go you!
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How spineless. I’d laugh at her because she is obviously a total coward.
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I was a manager at a fast food store while at uni (& 18 or 19). The amount of idiots who would yell & scream over a cheeseburger just astounded me. Once a man was getting so worked up through the drivethru window & yelling at the poor (16 year old) girl serving at the window because his food was taking too long. He had made such a fuss & she was so upset I asked him what kind of person he was getting a kick out of yelling at a girl & if it was taking too long he could get his burger somewhere else. Some people are just jerks & take out their bad days on everyone else.
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Good on you Mia! I too work in retail and am in a management role, I always stick up for my staff when they are being yelled at/ abused/ being physically threatened and quite often unfortunately get a complaint against me and my staff because we ” ganged” up on the customer, which is just not the case! And in most cases are reprimanded for defending our own staff… Catch 22, but certainly won’t stop me from defending my staff when being bullied and intimidated!
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I’m going to go against the grain here.
The way you acted, Mia, was rude. You would have been a much better example had you quietly ask the woman to please be quiet and direct her complaint to management if she felt so strongly. This would have spared the girl further ‘abuse’ AND quietened down things for other patrons.
I’ve worked in retail. I know how bad it can be serving customers who treat you with little or no respect. Maybe she was one of those terribly awful, mean customers. But maybe, just maybe, she was just sick of sub standard service and didn’t appreciate being spoken about in another language.
Australian customer service is, in general, average at best. $25 may be small change to you, but to a lot of people a $25 manicure may be an important treat they have budgeted for. Doesn’t that customer expect and deserve a good result?
I also think writing about it, making yourself seem like a hero, is tacky. Again, if you really thought this lady was a bully, a quiet word would have been the most mature and respectful option.
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DO you really think that person deserved much courtesy? She walked into the shop looking for a fight. I’m with Mia all the way!!
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That’s the example we should set for our children?
If we meet someone violent, rude or condescending, we should give it straight back to them?
No. The example we should set is to be assertive and polite. Which in this case would have been a firm, well mannered, quiet word.
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I think standing up to bullies who will not back is a FAR better example to kids than the softly softly approach you’re advocating. Many bullies just don’t get it when you gently explain to them that their behaviour is inappropriate, they often respond best when they are placed in the position of embarrassment that they have placed others in. That might not be the PC approach but it’s often the on that gets the message through.
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Really? Polite and assertive is too PC and fighting fire with fire is better?
Yes, we all cheered when Casey stood up to that bully at his school and threw him to the ground…but just stop to think for second here. What would have happened to Casey if that boy had been seriously injured? Casey’s life would have been derailed. He would have been the one ending up in juvenile detention, carrying that burden for the rest of his life.
Yes you all like to hear Mia’s story of giving this lady her comeuppance, but it was NOT the right thing to do. It sets a terrible example and then using it as fodder for her weekly column makes things even worse.
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Are you serious? I’m sure she was on the bones of her bum after having budgeted so hard for the prada handbag. Seriously though, that woman needed to be stopped in her tracks. I disagree that a quiet word (if that was even possible with feet soaking in a tub) would have been best. A complaint over bad service is one thing and obviously her entitlement but her manner crossed the line here to bullying big style.
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Nope,
A hero? Hardly. As I wrote, I was ashamed that I waited so long before I spoke up. I should have said something much earlier.
It wasn’t until it dawned on me that it wasn’t just rudeness but bullying that I realised how complicit we were all being by staying silent.
The quality of service was not sub-standard. As I said, I’ve gone there for a long time and had every manicurist who works there and they’re all great.
The woman was clearly being unreasonable and abusing the power imbalance between her position as a customer and the manicurist’s obvious disadvantage as an employee in the service industry and one whose first language wasn’t English.
You make some very broad generalisations about customer service in Australia. I was there that day. I watched the level of service and it was far from bad. It was excellent.
And that woman was a rude bully.
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I respectfully disagree. You could have made your point in a much more respectful way.
In my opinion, the words you used were poorly chosen and airing the subject in such a public form is bullying this woman in an online capacity. You claim to think otherwise but you are now abusing a power imbalance – between someone of your stature with a large receptive audience and this woman with no right of reply.
Which, in fact, brings you down to her level.
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That makes no logical sense to me whatsoever
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Nope your argument doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. This woman didn’t deserve to be treated with respect.
And in case you’re unfamiliar with Prada bags, their prices start at about $1,000 so I highly doubt that anyone carrying a Prada bag would have been carefully saving for months to afford a $25 manicure. I don’t understand what you are trying to argue here.
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That’s a little far-fetched. There’s no way anyone could identify this woman from Mia’s article, so the online bullying remark is quite plainly wrong.
I do agree with one point you made earlier – I don’t think raising your voice to match the other person is a good way to handle a situation like this. I’ve also told people off in public after some particularly revolting displays of behaviour, but I will *not* raise my voice. I can’t stand people yelling and I try to get my point across, firmly but politely and calmly. If that doesn’t shame them into acting like a human being, then calling management can at least get rid of them.
Absolutely agree with Mia standing up for the manicurist. It can be hard to do, especially in situations where personal safety is an issue, but arguably those battles are the most important ones to do something in. Even if it’s calling the cops.
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look in hindsight we all can think of times when, in the heat of the moment, the words don’t come out right. I tell people off all the time – usually when they fail to show basic politeness like saying thankyou when I hold a door open for them. I always feel bad afterwards about not picking my words better – but in the moment, my rashness takes over and the words just tumble out. I don’t care if these people are upset because the nuance of how I’ve worded it is incorrect. To me, they were rude first.
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I’m sorry but I think in these situations someone has to be the bigger person. If you answer rudeness with rudeness then where does that get us?
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I get the distinct feeling Nope that YOU are the bully from the nail salon. You seem very quick to defend unfounded rudeness against Mia’s emotional reaction.
Just a thought
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Not at all. Those places are breeding grounds for every bacterial infection known to man. And too be honest, as I said in my very first comment, maybe that lady was a mean customer. It still doesn’t justify Mia’s reaction.
All I have tried to do is get a bunch of frustrated, emotional women to try and understand that snapping at someone publicly without thought and then grandstanding about it on the internet is not a good way to go about dealing with bullies.
But it seems that this place is not one for reasonable discussion – nor humility and thought based on some of the comments above.
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How sad that you’ve resorted to insulting posters. “Frustrated, emotional women”..” Shame on you and the 5 people who thus far enjoyed your insulting comment.
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Mia…your not a bully. I’m totally on your side
. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. You can’t just sit there and say…mmmm…now what are the best words or approach here?? Sometimes you just have to stick it to them. I agree with other posters here…the softly softly approach doesn’t work. And embarrassing them into the middle of next week might teach them a lesson or two. It was perfectly fine for that lady to humiliate that girl…so why can’t that horrible lady get a bit of her own medicine?
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$25 dollars is not a lot to her if she had a Prada bag.
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I don’t think $25 was much for someone with a Prada handbag. Why? Why bother being nice to someone that is being so rude! You get what you give! Maybe Australian customer service is so low because of just that, most customers can hardly reply to a simple “Hi, how are you?”. I just don’t see why those in retail should have to bother being nice when the people they are serving such as this are nothing but defining the word rude.
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In fairness we don’t know much about the bag. Was it a fake? Did she buy it for herself with her own hard earned cash? Was it a present? Did the bag have better manners than her?
I can sort of see what Nope is saying but I think that a grown woman lost the right to be treated with consideration the moment she mouthed off at a person who was just trying to do their job.
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Don’t know about manners but the bag definitely has more class than that lady ever will.
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This isn’t about service quality or manicures. The customer was loud,rude and a bully. A quiet word would have just covered up the situation at hand. The bully was told and bystanders judging by their reaction knew that they had failed to react appropriately.
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Sigh, I’m feeling guilty. The other day I saw a mother berating her approx 10yo daughter at the mall. She was yelling at her, pulling at her shoulder, and being really awful. I wanted to ask the girl if she was ok, but I was a bit scared. I also thought about calling the police, but I didn’t think they’d do anything or get there quickly enough. I can’t stop thinking about it and I really wish I’d intervened.
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So hard when it’s a parent/child thing, too, when it’s possible that one or both sides will tell you to piss off and mind your own business.
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police???
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The mother pulled the girl’s hair, screamed abuse, and shoved her. I don’t care if you’re related or not – that’s abuse. Hence my thought about calling the police. The girl looked terrified.
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Or perhaps the child deserved to be disciplined?? I’ve had some delightful scenes with my 11 yo lately. Would not like to be judged by my (well deserved) reaction to her behaviour. It’s called parenting not bullying.
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Actually, that can be both. Being their parent doesn’t mean you get to be their bully by default. Something many parents don’t get.
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I’m all for discipline, but not if it involves hair pulling, shoving, and screaming foul-mouthed abuse in the child’s face. That’s not parenting, that’s abuse.
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I have worked in retail for 7+ years (since I was 15) in a juice bar, shoe store and cosmetics and I have to say that 95% of people are lovely.
Sometimes people talk down to me but I usually win them over with my charm and expertise in my field. (And if that doesn’t work, and they’re still being condescending, I just have to throw in that I am studying a law degree… so please don’t talk to me like I am an idiot.)
What baffles me is people who make complaints, in email and over the phone, after they have left the store. In order to justify their anger, they twist and stretch the truth and sometimes resort to outright lying. Don’t they understand that they are putting somebody’s job at stake? It’s unfathomable to me. And another example of bullying, I think.
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Yep I sometimes find myself throwing the law student thing in there too…hate myself for it but it does work
Lawyered!
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Yep, I stood up to a bully. I got a very hard time and then sacked using some really lame excuse because he was mates with the Managaing Director of the business I worked for. It was a hard time but I’m glad I stood up to him and would do it again.