Ever used a vibrator? Alone? With a partner? Such a minefield, so many questions. So let’s just start with a simple one…
Today’s Question:
My boyfriend and I have a great sex life, but recently I’ve found myself getting a little curious about introducing a vibrator into the mix. At first he was extremely doubtful about this and not too keen to tell the truth, but as we began to talk it through more he has become a bit more accepting.
However, he mentioned a concern about using a vibrator during sex with me (I suggested a clitoral vibrator rather than anything too threatening). He says he’s heard that using a vibrator close to the penis can cause blood vessels to burst and so we “couldn’t use it like that anyway”. Is this true?
Tracey Cox says:
No it’s not true, though I have to say I don’t know too many men who like a vibrator used on the head or shaft of the penis, even though it is perfectly safe. Men tend to get more pleasure if you use it on their nipples, testicles or the perineum (smooth, hairless bit between his anus and testicles).
I think the whole idea of adding a vibrator to the ‘mix’ is a good one and yes, a small, non-threatening clitoral vibrator would be just the thing! A bullet vibe is around the size of a tampon but nice and strong and a great one to start with because it’s not phallic shaped. Let him use it on you during penetration to show him just how much more effective and easier it is to provide much-needed clitoral stimulation during intercourse using a vibe.
Fingers (yours or his) are fine but sometimes it’s awkward to reach the clitoris, they get knocked around and it’s hard to keep the stroke gentle if he’s thrusting hard (bit like trying to rub your head and tummy in two different directions or speeds!). Your boyfriend sounds like he’s still a little nervous about being ‘replaced’ by your vibrator, so I’d strongly suggest you don’t let him see just how easily you can climax with it, when compared to his mouth or fingers. Instead, use it to ‘tease’ yourself rather than sprint straight for the finish line, even if you are tempted to show off!
Tracey Cox is an internationally recognised sex, body language and relationships expert as well as a TV presenter. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show in the US, as well as numerous prime-time chat shows in the UK and world-wide. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, was an instant worldwide success and is now available in 140 countries. Her other book titles include Hot Sex, supersex, superflirt, Hot Relationships and superhotsex. She also has her own range of Tracey Cox Supersex Toys and Lubricants.
Follow Tracey on Twitter @TraceyCox or on Facebook here. Her website is at www.traceycox.com and you can buy her books here. Tracey also blogs weekly here.
Do you use a vibrator? Are you tempted to try? How does your partner feel about it?
Comments
80 Comments so far
From years of experience the secret is communication …. if there’s something you want to try with your partne, then verbalise it, no matter how embarrassing it may be. Once you get over that and start enjoying the things yuo want to try you’ll wonder why you didn’t mention it earlier!
Also, as for toys … the more you know about them the better. Try http://www.ToyWithMe.com.au … lots of great reviews on all the latest products.
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my husband bought us one and we use it together. If you put it on the outside over the clitoris while he is penetrating from behind it stimulates the clitoris and the head of his penis too. Gets us both going wild!
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the best turn on for a man is seeing his partner surrendering herself to complete pleasure. let me tell you, vibrators do that very well.
we don’t want to be replaced, forget those phallic looking plastic substitutes.
the clitoris is where it is all happening. my wife found this vibrator here on this site. she is telling me to write this as all her friends talk about how unsatisfied they are with their sex lives. get out of your comfort zones and experience excitement . oursex life is only getting better. ps be be vibrator lovebeingwoman.com
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For the record, I can’t get myself off without one, so thank The Sex Gods for vibrating toys, yippee!
My partner is far from threatened, in fact, he’s quite happy that we can time the orgasms (if I concentrate and don’t get carried away) during sex… when we actually HAVE sex, haha!
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What does one do if you just don’t enjoy sex?
I am on medication so I sometimes wonder if that’s suppressed my libido.
But on the other hand, I wonder if I’ve just never experienced amazing sex – maybe that’s why I don’t enjoy it.
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I am on medication too and find that it has dulled my libido immensely, however having a vibrator means I get in the mood easier and helps me to orgasm (another side effect of the meds is that it’s difficult to orgasm, bah, it’s all so annoying!)
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what would be a good first vibrator to buy? There are so many!
Only want to spend around $30-$40 just to try it out first. Any suggestions would be great!
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Hi Jacwana, unfortunately vibrators are the same as many products, in the sense … you get what you pay for. I would suggest a bullet or something similar, it will just be for clitoral stimulation, not penetration. If you like it yuo might want to trade up to something fully waterproof (bath friendly), rechargeable and most importantly Phthalate Free!
Our “perfect first toy” is MiMi ….. try it, you’ll love it.
http://www.jejoue.com.au/mimi/introduction-clitoral-vibrators/
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My partner is threatened, he starts to get paranoid if I suggest we use it too often. A good way to start is something simple and not too serious, there’s a company called ohmibod.com.au that do music compatable ones that can sync with your iPhone, there’s a special panty clip on one, that can be controlled by a remote. My friend wears it out & let’s her bf hold the remote. It’s pretty funny.
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So if he should accept your vibrator do you accept his porn watching?
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I think with vibrators, you need to own it. Personally, my ‘dolphin’ (named for the animal it looks like) gets used by me, for me. When fingers arn’t enough, out comes the dolphin.
I think female sexuality is still too constrained, despite all the advances feminism had afforded us. When I hear tales of other women expressing their dislike for masterbation I think feminism needs to push full steam ahead.
Own it, celebrate it, ride it
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My ex bought me a vibrator and it was too big and I found it really uncomfortable so I chucked it out! (along with him)
Looking to get another one. Preferably something smallish. Haven’t had an orgasm yet either. Suggestions of websites where I could get one?
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femplay.com.au
Very discreet, but if you are worried, set up a separate hotmail account just for these types of emails.
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we vibe is a very popular option, it has won toy of the year and works well for couples. inspiredwellbeing are a very reputable online health store and carry a small range of vibes including the we vibe.
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MM has done an article before on the Be Be – http://www.lovebeingwoman.com. Looks like a good one!
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I purchased my first one when I was 23. It was from a very female friendly store in melbourne called Twisted Toys For adults . i purchased my first adult film when I was 26 from there. the staff are very helpful
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I find it almost impossible to orgasm without one, and I’ve never had a partner make me orgasm. Could this be because I use my vibrator too much? This is a genuine question!!
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If you can’t orgasm the vibrator can help you experiment on your own. For me to have an orgasm three things have to be in place. I have to tense the ‘right’ muscles to build up tension, I have to tap into one of my reliable sexual fantasies and generally speaking I have to have stimulation to my clitoris, though at times I can orgasm without direct clitoris stimulation.
If you experiment with your muscles and your fantisies while using a vibrator you may get the mix right and have orgasms, once that happens you can slowly replace the vibrator with your fingers.
But I repeat that I’m only talking about my own experiences with orgasms.
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I don’t have one, never have. But my mother, who would be 73 if she hadn’t died 5 years ago, had one. I was executor of her estate and was terrified that someone would find it. I searched the house and it never turned up. Possibly one if my siblings found it and disposed of it and was too embarrassed to say anything.
Back in my mother’s day, they weren’t cordless. Have a little think about that logistic!
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The Hitachi Magic Wand comes to mind. It cracks me up thinking of buzzing away with something that looks like it’s the size of a hand held mixer and is plugged into the wall.
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Cripes, maybe that’s it! I’m not going to google my dead mother’s vibrator, I’ll be in therapy for decades.
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I just choked on my drink, haha! I think that wins comment of the day!
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Oh dont be silly! I am close to 70 and have a very nice collection of toys. I admit though that the bullet is best followed by the Daisy. Wild Secrets is my shop of choice. We are all entitled to the pleasure and age has nothing, nothing to do with it. If my daughter finds my collection, including the “big boy” well then she will have learned something about me which we havent openly discussed.
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Here’s hoping you turned on email replies to your comments – I just wanted to say I think that’s awesome. I love hearing that even women from a more conservative generation can still be so sex-positive
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In the past I’ve used vibrators, one of my previous sex partners used to like to watch me orgasm from them. I also used them a lot solo but I found that my body got used to that intense level of stimulation and I was losing the ability to have an orgasm naturally, so over a period of time I weaned myself off them.
The article doesn’t mention the anal vibrators that you use internally on your male sex partner to stimulate their prostate gland.
I’ve found the most straight of heterosexual men like that once they get past the idea that if they come from having something up their arse they must be ‘gay.’
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I enjoy using a vibrator but I’ve never used one with a guy. A girl… yes. Many times. I found in my last relationship we became a bit reliant on the vibrator. But I never orgasmed from it with my partner – only by myself.
It is good as it’s a no fuss option and I can easily orgasm. But I’d rather an orgasm from my partner, call me old fashioned
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I bought one shortly after I left my ex-husband – second best thing I ever did…
Now a couple of years on and I have 7 bobs( battery operated boyfriend) of various designs. My bf loves to use them when we are in bed and is quite happy just to watch when he’s not in the mood
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is it wrong to want to try one when you have never had a partner or sexual relationship? i’m in my 20s and want to try one, but too scared to go and buy one =/
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Hello there …! You can always order online, but the shipping charges are usually quite pricey. If you are a bit shy, can I suggest you visit A neighborhood a bit further away from where you live with a distance from home you feel comfortable with. The staff at sex shops are usually very helpful and friendly. Don’t be ashamed of your sexuality…embrace it! It is a wonderful part of life!
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FYI: the site linked in Tracy’s article above, Love Honey is a UK site but has free priority shipping to Australia.
They also have video’s for each toy and reviews so I felt comfortable making a decision.
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… it’s not at all wrong to want, or do, this. Go for it! Just because you haven’t had a sexual relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t experience sexual pleasure. Buy online (hang the shopping cost – its not like you’re going to buy these all the time!) if you’re shy. Have fun!
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Dr Laura Berman’s site is a good one, & she sells a few different types. By women, for women. Go for it if that’s what you want!!
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Absolutely not wrong! It would actually be a fantastic way for you to explore your sexuality and know what you like and don’t like. You don’t have to visit an actual store, but you can order online. A discreet package will arrive within a day or so, and then hours and hours of fun!
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i did it, just ordered one… i feel naughty but kinda excited…
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Good on you! There is something very powerful about taking control of this part of your life and not needing to rely on a guy.
have fun
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this is my first time telling anyone this
but i turned 25 recently and i never had a bf or a sex life!
im not one to go out and grab anyone but its upset me a little i have had to deal with alot of hospital opintments and stuff due to spinal problems i had i hardly expreiance plessure! im used to pain!
but i suddenly been getting urges to do it, more than offten!
so i took intrest in looking into “toys” i still live at home and im the oldest so its not like i can walk into the house with something like this but i actuly did buy one online! its quite small, yes im a vergin and i looked into it so i wanted something that will not break me but something that! could lift my spirit a little! and i found something but its quite small and cute but i had the urge to buy another and i dont know where to look!
i hate the ones that look like male parts i rather have something cute and does not even look like a adult toy!
im still serching around but i thought i would take a look in a store but i never done it before and im really not the kind of person who would just walk into one! its too scary for me!
this is perhaps the first time i speak about this! my friends or my family no nothing about my latest intrest but i thought well my sister had dated tons of guys 2 of them have bfs and im all alone! i wait for mr right but right now i just want a bit of er fun lets say! *sighs* i dont know who to turn to
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I’ve owned quite a few vibrators over the years and out of all of them my all time fave is the microtingler. Small, discreet, quiet and mind blowing every time
oh and my ex used to love it when I used it in his presence.
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All I can say is God Bless the person who invented the vibrator and kudos to all those clever designers that have been recreating them better and better over the years!
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I’ve never had an orgasm and some friends have suggested I get a vibrator.
Boyfriend is not threatened and is keen.
I have a question that is probably silly, but if my first ever orgasm comes from a vibrator, will that affect whether I can ever have one by manual or oral stimulation?
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Hi Anon,
I don’t think using a vibrator will reduce your ability to climax by manual or oral stimulation. From person experience using a vibrator helped me to first experience an orgasm but after a while it was a great way to learn to experience what you like. I found that after ‘playing’ around with a vibrator my other sexual experiences became more heightened.
I recommend you give it a try…it can’t hurt! Good luck!!!
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Thanks for your help guys
Love that we can talk about this stuff on MamaMia!
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Absolutely not! Enjoy! And, in the interim get your boyfriend to read up on learning how to make you cum with his fingers and/or tongue.
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I think you should have one manually first…. I think its important to experience it “organically” if it’s your first. Then, when you get to know your body use vibrators. But I don’t think its a good idea if you have never had one before. You don’t want to set yourself up for always needing a vibrator.
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I disagree – I’d never had an orgasm until getting a vibrator…it helped me work out, on my own with no pressure, what works and what it felt like…I realized I’d come so close (no pun intended) but wasn’t relaxing enough to let go completely…best thing I ever did!! I would encourage all women to experiment on their own so they know what is good when with someone else.
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I disagree too! Why should she miss out on orgasms because she isnt able to have one yet with her partner? It will help her learn what she is into and enhance their sex life !
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Funny you should mention this.
I’m using one now !
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I’m…. slightly confronted by that….
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Oh yes,
I have a little friend…called ‘Boothy’…haven’t used him for a little while…
Hubby doesn’t know about him though…
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When I received the $900 Economic Stimulus payment a few years back, the first thing I bought was lovely new vibrator. Stimulus indeed.
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we have – ahh 4 and currently looking for a new one. Oh and we also have a cone. Each have their own nick name and suit a particular mood. He bought the first one for me after a bit of discussion and then we were in NY and visited the sex museum – how can you not buy a souvenir! And the collection kind of grew from there.
Originally introduced by him, he loves to drive them and i think he loves that i can drive it too (know how to make myself orgasm). Generally used together, he loves to come to the bedroom and find me ‘warming up’. Its very rare i get them out on my own, definitely not a substitute – its really just foreplay for both of us.
Currently looking at the Lelo Ina rabbit – but kinda thinking a cock ring sounds like fun too
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Ha… my new rabbit arrived in the mail yesterday as the old one broke. I would NEVER have bought myself one, but my husband was the one who encouraged me to use one early in our relationship and I would have to agree…
BEST. THING. EVER.
For me, I am often too tired at the end of the day to ‘want’ sex, but my little friend has me buzzing quick smart – changes my mind very quickly. It makes the whole experience so much better for both of us, however, no vibrator will ever replace my husband! I can control the pressure on my clitoris as too much pressure and it’s all over quickly. Using a vibrator means we can orgasm together – I think my husband is a bigger fan than me!
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I think vibrators and sex toys are fantastic!! They add an extra dimension to your sex life ,a bit more fun and spice and they help both partners reach orgasm!
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I looooove a vibrator & so does my hubby.
Ive got 4!!! A small little bullet. a long slim, smooth one. One that has so many different levels its crazy & my latest purchase was a top of the line rabbit- BEST ONE EVER!!!
We use them all the time together & I use them often on my own. Lots of fun to be had.
Go get one. Ive always found people who work on adult stores to be more than helpful if you ask questions
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I got one a few years ago because I was in a long-distance relationship, although I rarely used it. Since we split up though, it broke and I had to get a new one, and quite frankly I don’t know what I’d do without it. I never used it with my partner present, because I didn’t want him to see how easily I could orgasm with it, compared to when I was with him. He was a bit suspect about it though, as his friend had told him that the vibrating on the clitoris makes you less sensitive to normal touch. If anyone reading this has never had one, I thoroughly recommend the rabbit. My latest is a dolphin and not quite as good, but it still does the job!
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My husband has got me several over the years. The most recent is huge and he loves using it on me just as much as I love it being used on me.
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My fiancé (partner of 6 years) and i introduced a vibrator quite early on. We use it for double penetration. That’s not something we can do as a couple (or rather are willing to do) so a vibrator is perfect for this.
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Double penetration? Anal? I am so intrigued by this but have never quite been able to try it. Please Mamamia can we have a sealed section on this?
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OMG – at the risk of sounding crass, a clit vibrator and then both anal and vaginal penetration is mind-blowing (for me, anyway). Sexyland has all kinds of potions to increase sensation (for the clit) and decrease pain (pour le anal – is it less offensive in french?). Get involved!!
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I will only do anal if I’m using the vibrator at the same time. I go on my tummy, get the vibe in place and working effectively, then he enters me. I make him believe it’s a treat for him, but every single time I have the most amazing orgasm. It’s rare for us to be able to come together, but we do during this activity.
Anal sex for me was a big hurdle to overcome, but worth it
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Ladies, thank you for sharing. I’m having a great laugh at the level of information being shared here. Nice to have things sexual out in the open – although if my 14 yo was reading I don’t think I could cope !
Just wish there were interactive options like this when I was much younger – so much better than reading a magazine article. I’ve only just found one friend who I can talk in such detail with and it’s so refreshing and a source of great laughter.
Enjoy your sexy adventures ladies – and gents !
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Before meeting my current partner I had a threesome in which I did this. It felt okay but it was so squishy I felt like a pancake. Anyway. The vibrator allows you to do his and as mentioned below they can feel the vibration and it’s nowhere near as squishy for me!
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I agree, Anon for this. My husband and I use a slim one for anal penetration, it gets him off like a firecracker as he can feel the vibrations.
Actually, we need to get another as our old one has broken. I highly recommend if people are comfortable!
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I can’t imagine dating anyone that was hesitant about vibrators or felt threatened by them. I have found them useful in my relations with both men and women, especially as my medications affect my sexual sensitivity. I tend to find I need to buy the high-powered vibes these days to get an orgasm out of them.
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My husband suggested we get a vibrator. Best Thing Ever!
We started with a cheap one, but the last one we got was one of the Lelo ones, which is small (so he can’t be worried about it ‘replacing’ him, because it’s not big enough for that, so a small one would be a good start) and charges off USB, so no running out of batteries. We use it during foreplay and in certain positions.
I can’t think of too many negatives for the guy. It increases lubrication and makes climax more intense – which of course benefits him!
If you are unsure of his reaction, don’t go and buy one without him, though, this will only make him more suspicious of your motives. Make it a joint purchase.
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Oh, lovely, lovely Lelo’s…
Must add vibe bullet to this week’s shopping list.
PS I like this Tracey Cox lady
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Or use a we-vibe. It’s designed for both partners’ pleasure.
On another note – I thought every woman owned at least one vibrator??
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You thought wrong, my friend.
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I don’t! Never felt the urge to get one either.
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You’ll never know unless you give it a go. Then you’ll wonder why you hadn’t done it years ago!
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That’s true. I’m sure I’ll try one day, but at the moment I find my partner and, er, fingers sastisfying enough. I guess I’m also not that focussed or organised enough to bother, haha.
Also, I’ve never had any trouble orgasming, but if I did I imagine I’d be keen to try!
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Sorry, no. Many of us don’t have one, for a whole variety of reasons. In fact in my (somewhat older) circles, I’ve never met anyone who does. I think it very much depends on your subculture, age group etc
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I’m fifty. Do I qualify as ‘older’? I really hope I do, because I just want to say my buzzy little friend who has been my faithful companion for seven years now is the best thing ever!
I’ve had a couple of relationships during that time, and Mr Buzzy stays in the cupboard if I have company, but if I’m alone – I know he’s there whenever I want him!
I’d actually like to have a relationship where I could introduce one friend to the other. I need to find a man who’s a good driver! I think that would be fun, although I need to find a partner who’s relaxed about such things. I don’t have one of those lurid fake penis things though. Mine is just a massaging type thingie. Boy, does it massage well.
I would encourage any woman, no matter what age, to experiment with a similar type of thing. It’s sooooo relaxing. 
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Hahaha, my mum is 60 and has one!
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That gets my vote for generalization of the day! What on earth would make you think that?!
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Nope…
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Cock rings.
A girl’s best friend.
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Excuse my naivety…but what is/what does a cock ring do???
I’m actually blushing writing this
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They are little vibrators that are attached to a rubber ring. The ring goes over your partners cock, sits at the base of it and the vibrator part (quite small) then pushes against your clit. I have two of them, both from durex. They are ace! I also have a bigger vibrator which I rarely use, too hard and scary. Prefer a nice penis with a cock ring lol!
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Oh Margaret , you’ve just given me my lesson for the day !! I didn’t even know they had vibrators attached – I want one ! I guess I never took much interest in the mechanics of them as I thought they were solely boy toys.
Hmmm, hubby graduates today and I still haven’t thought of a gift yet . . . . .
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Glad you’re a fan hayleyjane90!
Cock Rings are a great couples toy, giving both her and him some great sensation, and longer stronger orgasms.
Try Mio when you get the chance, you’ll never look back. http://www.jejoue.com.au/mio/introduction-cock-rings/
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