GUEST POST: renewing your marriage contract

 

“It’s time for me to renew my passport. It’s got me wondering about a marriage certificate. What if, like a passport and a driver’s licence, a marriage contract only lasted ten years? Would I renew? Yes, absolutely. I love my husband. He’s definitely a keeper. Would I add a few more details into the contract than I did the first time around? Oh yes, I would. The whole ‘love, honour, through sickness & health’ thing is just a little too vague for my liking. I would be much more specific the second time around.

These are the things I would like my husband to promise in our (pretend) new marriage agreement:

*No matter how grumpy you are, I will never ask you “are you getting your period?” because I know this question turns you into a crazy woman. And rightly so.

*I will never ever ask you how much you paid per kilo for tomatoes. They are only tomatoes and I know you never look at the price of tomatoes, so I will not bother you with this question ever again.

*I will stop using the term “get us a beer will you love” because even though you thought it was funny the first time, it has long ago lost its appeal.

*I will let you choose the music whenever we have friends over for dinner. I accept that my Spiritualised and Suicide CDs are not appropriate dinner party background music.

*I will protect you from snakes and promise never again to take you to snake-infested areas. And in the event that we do come across a snake I will back away from it and not towards it to get a better look. Especially if our kids are with me.

*Rather than complain that you never fold my t-shirts the way I like them, I will thank you with genuine appreciation that you even fold them at all.

*I will show respect to all of your family, including dipsy cousins and annoying aunts.

*I promise to rinse my muesli bowl each morning rather than let the bits glue themselves to the sides requiring a jack hammer to remove them later on.

*I will never look at your arse with an expression of horror on my face. Ever!

*I realise that telling you “I’m horny” does not constitute foreplay. A little more effort is required.

*I will never understand your shoe addiction but I will respect and support it to my fullest ability.

*I will carry the heavy stuff without complaint.

*I will not come home late (after several thousand beers) and drop my keys and coins on a hard surface in our bedroom, thereby waking you up. I also accept that I am not desirable when smelling like a brewery.

*I will not ask you why you need the odd facial or pedicure. I appreciate your beauty and all that it requires.

*I will put a little more effort into wrapping your gifts and preparing heart-felt cards for you. You deserve it.

*I will not comment on fluctuations in your weight but rather will see your body as the vessel that brought our beautiful children into the world and will worship it appropriately.

*Should you ever be faced with the possibility of shagging Nick Cave, Johnny Depp or George Clooney I will give my blessing as I understand these men are gods and you will be rendered powerless to resist them.

*I will make more of an effort to let you drive at times other than when I have been drinking.

*I accept that although you have many great qualities, you are not a natural ‘filer’ and subsequently little piles of crap are likely to grow around our home and I will not complain about this phenomenon.

*I will look after our garden, including the herb garden and vegie garden, because I accept the fact that you are not a natural gardener and you cannot see a thirsty plant.

*I will finally organise music lessons for our children. I have been talking about it for years and vow to get onto this soon. It is my job.

*I will regularly wash our cars and the windows in our home as I know you hate these jobs with a passion.

*I will resolve to use the itty-bitty book light you bought me when reading in bed after you have gone to sleep. I acknowledge nothing grates your cheese more than a bright bedroom when you are trying to sleep. I will show more consideration in the future.

*I accept you will never change football teams to be the same as mine. I will stop asking you to do this.

*I accept watching ‘Top Gear’ is not quality family time. I relinquish a little ‘remote control’ and will accept your choice in entertainment more often.

*I will do these things for another ten years.

And here are a few things I think he’d like me to commit to:

*I will surrender to the fact that there are more males than females in our home and will not complain when the toilet seat is left up. You win.

*I will be more careful when buying stuff online and promise to read the fine print in future. (Oops!)

*I will do most of the tidying, washing, shopping and cooking without complaining (much). I accept that you simply don’t see what needs to be done and am tired of showing you.

*I will resolve to live a dog-free life as your excessive fear of dog shit requires.

*I will accept that your career requires you to travel to amazing places without me and I will pick up the slack while you are gone. I will not display overt signs of jealousy even when you call me from LA to say Wolfmother is playing at the party you are at.

*I will turn a blind eye to the fact you have NEVER changed our bed linen.

*I promise to laugh at your dad-jokes no matter how many thousands of times I hear them (and still hear them from my own dad!).

*I will always be the mouse and rat catcher/disposer because I accept your unnatural fear of rodents.

*I promise to be the present-buyer, present-wrapper and card-writer (if you don’t complain about how much I spend!).

*I will keep track of the kids’ school commitments, birthday parties and sporting commitments. I will also remind you of special events, and acquaintances’ names as I accept the fact your memory is like a sieve.

*I will be the lice-remover because you choose to have selective vision and claim you cannot see them.

*I will accept you are very good at April Fools jokes and you are likely to get me a beauty when I least expect it. I will take it on the chin.

*I accept that you are a bloke and as such when you are sick you are very, very sick.

*Should you ever have the opportunity to shag Helena Christenson, Penelope Cruz or PJ Harvey you have my blessing.

*I acknowledge that I when you say “I’m going fishing” what you mean is “I’m going to go and sit by the water for a while”. I do not expect you to bring any fish home, no matter how long you spend out there.

*I will do these things for another ten years.

What do you think, everyone? Wouldn’t it be interesting if marriage was not automatically for life and the terms had to be renegotiated at regular intervals?

I think there would be a lot less arguments in couple land (except of course at contract renewal time!). Would would you include in your new contracts?

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You can visit Simone’s website here: HandleYourOwnPR.com or follow her on Twitter here