Dear Brian McFadden,
Your tweet caught my attention.
It caught my attention because I have been “hit” and chose to stay with the perpetrator, or, my husband, until a couple of years ago.
I can’t say I haven’t heard what you said before. People say it all the time. I say it to myself all the time. How could I have stayed?! I’m such a fool for not leaving! I mean, he used to hit me! Who would put up with that nonsense? Only someone desperate…. pathetic.
Brian McFadden who tweeted that women who stay with men who abuse them are pathetic.
Over the years I have been grabbed, punched in the back, thrown down on the bed by my hair, even hit when I was nine months pregnant. In my shame, I would cover my bruises to keep what was left of my dignity. To preserve what pride I had, I would dismiss it all. Make excuses. And I stayed.
Why? Because I wanted to believe the best about him and for our family. About my choice to marry him. I have always believed that a strong healthy family unit ought to be fought for and defended and regarded as a vital pillar of our society.
But as time went on, the abuse left me feeling dismal. Sad. Weak. Useless. Feeble. All words that happen to be synonymous with the word you chose: “pathetic.”
I’m not pathetic. Nor is anyone who remains in the situation I was in a few years ago. And what’s more, I refuse to be told I am just as bad as he, because, when you called me pathetic, it reminded me of what he used to say.
As I laboured over how on earth I could leave my marriage after all that time, all that abuse, all that made me weak and dismal – I promise you Brian McFadden, that it was not because of people using words like “pathetic” that finally made me show him the door.
No, you are so wrong. Rather, it was words like “brave” and “strong” and “independent” and “valuable” and “worthy” and “you can do this,” that got me over the line.
Kind regards,
“Pathetic.”
Editor’s note: After the backlash to his initial tweet, Brian McFadden sent another apology tweet to his 230,000 followers saying “Sorry if my last tweet upset anyone. Its just one of my friends is in that situation and it made me angry.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can ring the Domestic Violence Line for help on 1800 200 526.
Have you or someone you know been the victim of domestic violence? Did you leave? What gave you the courage to do so?
Comments
115 Comments so far
Well done! I went through this and in the end (6 months ago) I left as I realised staying for the kids was not right. How would my kids turn out? I am now a single Mum of two, going to uni, struggling every day but I am happy & most importantly my kids are too. My friends gave me the words I needed to get through it ‘strong’
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I HATE it when people say ‘why don’t you just leave?’. like it’s that simple. like a man (or woman) with probably a lifetime pattern of abusive behaviour will just go ‘righteo on your way then, have a great life!!!’ if you decided to leave them.
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Why are many of the voices in this conversation trying to make out that domestic violence isn’t an enduring, epidemic and horrifying problem? Why are they diminishing the stories that women have written here as anecdotal or inflammatory? When you have had some personal experience with domestic abuse or have a loved one that have endured the horror (not just as a partner but has witnessed it as a child), you know that not only is the problem widespread but predominantly perpetuated by men. Look at the statistics – they’re available or at our own Australian government website which outlines all the risk factors and the reasons as to why individuals have such difficulty leaving abusive partners.
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“And what’s more, I refuse to be told I am just as bad as he, because, when you called me pathetic, it reminded me of what he used to say.”
Word, babe!
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This line really drove the point home, didn’t it? Sums up exactly why his comments were so out of line. Really well-written, kudos to the author.
Brian, if you really care for your friend, don’t shame the victim on Twitter because they haven’t found the strength to leave yet – give them support and encouragement and maybe offer them a safe place to stay!
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I think the biggest thing this proves is that twitter et al are the great levellers. They prove time and time again that celebs are no more sensible than anyone else behind a keyboard.
As for abuse. I don’t think it’s going to stop, or even sharply decrease any time soon and calling people involved pathetic is just a sound bite.
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I thought about Brian’s comment all night (I don’t sleep well) and wondered why he did not approach the friend’s partner and have a go. The violent partner is the pathetic one in this equation.
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Yes, I’m sure White Ribbon don’t have Twitter in mind when they ask men to swear “never to remain silent about violence against women.”
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I don’t have a twitter acct so only know this crap via sites like this. I just can’t see DV as completely black or white anymore. All I know is its wrong.
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I find it interesting, reading the comments, to note that so many readers have chosen to tell Brian McFadden to leave the country than offer an argument as to why they believe him to be incorrect.
Just saying !
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I don’t understand that either. Is twitter only Australian and every Australian must read it? Very strange.
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Come on Kris…you didn’t read the Twitter fine print where it says only those with Australian birth certificates are allowed to have an opinion on anything? Somehow telling Brian to go home is acceptable but yet the majority of readers on here arc up against those who do the same to asylum seekers. The hypocrisy is mind-blowing.
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Spot on, beans ! Spot on !
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I haven’t read the other comments, so I can’t tell if someone has said this before, but it shouldn’t be forgotten that if you have children, the idea of leaving a relationship like this can be scarier than staying. The idea that your children would have to go to this parent, unsupervised and vulnerable, purely because it’s their other parent is against every instinct in your body. It’s very hard to prove the damage they could cause, if anyone would listen anyway.
It’s extremely unfair, but sometimes the only way to protect yourself and your kids, is to stay. It’s the lesser of two evils.
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Abuse always has a starting point. There’s a moment where the abused see that dark side of their partner. Choosing to stay after that first moment/sign does indicate weakness to me. Perhaps his choice of words weren’t the most PC, but I think his point has validity. I’m no fan of McFadden but he does has the right to voice his opinion, just like all the people commenting here do and do so without hesitation.
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Absolutely, I couldn’t agree more. There will always be red flags prior to abuse and does choosing to ignore them show a strong intelligent woman? I don’t think so. Of course there is something weak and pathetic about that, it’s just not very PC to say so.
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By the time you realise what’s happening, you look back and see the red flags… in hindsight! And you feel stupid. Then you know that you’re going to be asked why you didn’t leave sooner and struggle to explain. And you’re going to feel stupid again… but this time, they’re thinking it too. It’s called shame and it stops people leaving sooner!
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Trent Dalton (who is one of our finest writers) wrote a wonderful piece on domestic violence for Qweekend magazine a few years ago – it’s called ‘Home is Where the Hurt Is’ and for someone who hasn’t experienced an abusive relationship it was illuminating, infuriating and also just desperately sad. What your comment doesn’t touch on, but the story does, is the idea of a cycle of violence that perpetuates – not only do young men who grow up in violent households develop the idea that violence is the norm, so do young women. The notion of ‘red flags’ implies that women intrinsically know this isn’t how they should be treated, and it seems that for too many young people – vulnerable young women, especially – this just isn’t the case.
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If you see it and recognise it for what it is, that is. It’s never just a punch out of nowhere. It starts small and it grows. And by the time it’s big enough to notice, it’s all tangled up in the life and love you have together.
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That’s the mistake so many people make, to use the word love in these situations. Anyone who threatens/controls/abuses another does not love them. It’s as simple as that. People use love as a justification for so many horrible things and it’s a lie.
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My ex never technically HIT me, even so, I left after only a year of marriage (in case you’re wondering, he wasn’t violent before he signed that blank cheque to treat me how he pleased called a marriage certificate) AND I get criticised for ‘giving up on my family’ TOO soon. You can’t win! Oh and being a single parent is hard enough in normal circumstances let alone with an abusive ex.
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As a professional working in the area of domestic violence, I have at times felt frustrated, despairing, sad, angry and powerless when people who have been subject to abuse stay in the relationship, or return to an abusive partner they had managed to leave. It can be so hard to watch.
However I would never call people who make this decision pathetic or any similar word.
Such an assessment in no way reflects or understands the complexity of abuse and its effects for people. Domestic violence has been compared by some researches as form of colonisation by one person by another, in that it is the systematic imposition by one party of their own agenda, wants and worldview, through tactics of fear, coercion, violence, oppression, denial and relentless undermining, upon another party. In this way it is relentless and operates at every level of a relationship: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, social, financial, practice, spiritual. When the abuse is internalised, as it most often is, it can ultimately end up destabilising and undermining someone so completely, dispossessing, if you will, that person of their self. Often by this stage, that person may have experienced some or more of the following: been isolated from friends and family and other supports; been consistently insulted or undermined and/or degraded; subjected to sexual abuse, coercion and or manipulation; had their realities repeatedly denied and their boundaries ignored, violated and disregarded; been threatened and intimidated to varying degrees; had their access to money and other practical resources diminished,monitored, questioned or restricted; been subject to some kind of social defamation or inaccurate public portrayal; experienced ongoing and unreasonable angry outbursts; been denied reciprocity, and threatened with actual or implied physical violence, to name some.
There are always reasons to stay, until there are not. (Fear, terror, hope and belief that it will change, dependence- emotional and practical,
loss of self worth, ongoing victimisation, concerns about post separation violence – very real-internalisation of the abuse and its effects, and much more).
In my opinion it is never the right question to ask ‘why doesn’t she/he just leave’ but ‘what does this person need right now to help them be free of abuse and violence, and be safe’ And also, ‘how is this still happening, and what can we all do to take a stand against it?’ Certainly not by victim blaming.
*for anyone who wants more detailed info, a good place to start is the domestic and family violence clearinghouse website. There are also dv crisis lines in every state that are a good source of help, information and support, if required.
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Thank you for posting this, it helped me understand the potential complexity of the situation much better.
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I always considered myself an educated, enlightened, strong spirited and confident woman. Even throughout the physical and emotional abuse of my first marriage, I never considered myself pathetic. Confused, frustrated and saddened – yes. Domestic violence is not a black and white issue. It is insidious and messy. If it could happen to someone like me, it could happen to anyone.
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I honestly don’t believe it could happen to anyone, I think it makes people who it has happened to, feel better.
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You’ve got the tail by the dog. Believing it couldn’t happen to anyone makes people it hasn’t happened to feel better.
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Jess…You have obviously never been passionately in love, especially a messy young love. Poor me, I certainly was.
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I have known so many strong, outspoken, educated women who have been in abusive relationships. It makes me wonder if these men deliberately target such women, as some kind of ego trip – if they can subjugate a woman such as this, what power! And I think in many ways our strengths ironically make us more vulnerable, because we get further ensnared while refusing to believe this can actually be happening to us, a person who in no way fits the stereotype of an abused woman.
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I believe so. I’ve lost my job and my freedom because I believed someone. I’m not stupid, I just could not believe that this could happen to me…again.
Before I met him I had a 10 year relationship that broke up and then I spent 2 years on my own. I thought I knew what to to look out for, but there is an element out there that you cannot see coming.
I don’t think that I have been more scared for my welfare than now. I’ve lost my income, my family, my friends and any security. I can’t leave. I have no where to go.
I am studying to get a job in another industry which I have had to apply for an extension to do as obviously if I get a job, the control goes.
My message is. Just do what you have to do to get out of it. No matter what you do they will try to stop you. Just do it. Do it for your children and do it for you.
Brian McFadden only came to Australia on the back of Delta Goodrum. Goodbye Brian
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I got away from a verbally and physically abusive husband and now have to send my children to him every fortnight courtesy of the legal system. Family law has a long way to go to stop this cycle of abuse continuing, just because he is biologically their father doesn’t give him the right to abuse them. I’m hoping they don’t blame me, I’ve done everything to keep him away from them, family court judges should be more aware of the damage these abusive parents do and forget this forced access just because it is demanded.
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Brian McFadden should go back to Ireland, What makes him think we value his opinion. This man thinks hes important but offers no positive influence to Australian society. Please go away
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I know this wont get published but it might make me feel better to write it anyway.
I don’t care if woman stay in abusive relationships. I don’t think you are pathetic. I don’t think about you at all.
But if you willingly bring a child into that relationship then you are every bit as bad as the abuser.
Don’t tell yourself you protect the kids. Don’t tell yourself they don’t know it all.
And don’t think for a second you are going to get away with it. There’s every chance your kids will grow up to know you failed to protect them. They will know you put yourself first.
Please know this.
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Oh how I wish Brian McFadden would go somewhere else. How did we end up with him?
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I totally agree with Anonymous. No-one can compare the victim with the perpetrator. Unless you have walked in her shoes you have no idea of the pain both physical and emotional that she has endured. Its so easy to pass judgement when you haven’t walked the walk. Anonymous I am proud of you for standing up for all of those who have been the victim of physical abuse and saying that those who hit and beat women are pathetic but those who are beaten are not. I hope and pray you find a new relationship where you are loved and cherished and treated as a princess as you so deserve.
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Oh no u didn’t Brian McFadden. Does the same go for male victims of domestic violence or are they just pathetic for not fighting back?
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Are most of you aware that the most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship, is when they actually leave? Until that point…a) the perpetrator believes they have complete control over their partner; and b) the person being abused knows what to expect everyday. Don’t underestimate the value of being able to predict when you are likely to be abused. Like any situation, if you know it’s going to happen you can prepare yourself (and your children if you have them). When you leave, the perpetrator realises they no longer have control and they can become wildly unpredictable…making you alot more at risk. Add in the fact that you have been isolated from any of your pre-existing support networks, you have no money and nowhere to go, you have children to care for and your ability to take action of any kind or believe you can do anything by yourself is pretty damn low…and most of us would probably see ‘staying’ as the most logical option. Pathetic? No. Surviving? Yes.
Google Ann O’Neill or, you know, do any kind of research on the subject!
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I’m all for freedom of speech but if you’re making bold statements about difficult issues like domestic violence then you have to expect some backlash. In circumstances where you haven’t actually lived through domestic violence then it’s a little naive to think you can make statements like that and expect people who have lived through it to just sit back and accept it.
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Brian Mcfadden, go home.
To all the people who say “they understand what he means”, you are obviously uneducated in such matters and if you maybe read some stats, or better still, visit a women’ s shelter or ask your local police for some incidents they can tell you, then I am positive you will not “understand” where he is coming from. As with most things in life, it is not always black and white. Brian McFadden’s comments were cruel, not to mention dangerous and again has sent victims of domestic violence another reason not to speak out.
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Serious question here….how would you describe a woman who makes excuses for staying in an abusive relationship ?
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Scared, embarrassed, unsure, intimidated, fearful… human.
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Alienated, lonely and depressed. Riddled with fear and a kind of silent ostracism. Especially if she’s tried to leave, gotten as far as the front door with bags in hand and a car coming. Only to meet a wall of physical abuse and intimidation, threats to her family or to her life.
It really depends on the situation, doesn’t it?
I would say desperate but hopeless, not pathetic. Pathetic is more often than not vitriolic and poisonous.
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A survivor, a mother, a protector.
My partner threatened to kill me, my children, my family if I left. I believed him. Once my children were older we left him but it was terrifying. It still is.
Don’t judge us and don’t label us.
We are doing the best we can, the best way we know how.
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I’m glad you finally managed to get free Angela. I think that makes you a hero.
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Alone?. I think many women who stay in abusive relationships probably don’t have friends or relatives willing to help them. Is than an excuse or a reason?
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Serious answer here but I’m going to be lambasted for it anyway..
Weak.
In my defence of my harsh word – I was a person who made excuses for staying in an abusive relationship. I am no longer, haven’t been for many years & will never be again. I am changed and with support other women can sometimes change too.
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I have been in this situation and calling me pathetic may have a grain of truth to it, it doen’t help the situation.
Violent relationships are in some ways a two way street and I still feel 10 years later that I have to take some responsibility for the situation I was in. This does not condone any behaviour of my ex but makes me strong enough to realise how to stay in good relationships.
I don’t buy into that. ” you wound me up” blame on the women but I do feel that the energy I brought to the relationship added to the toxic environment. It all starts out with putting up with minor things – a nasty word, a tantrum over broken eggs, some coldness over nothing. You let the get away with it because your young and in love and in denial about the piggish behaviour you have witnessed. Putting up with that minor crap feeds the beast that leads to violence.
Zero tolerance policy since- If they really love you they will be nice.
What got me out of it was nothing anyone said – calling someone pathetic is just another blow to your shattered self esteem. if you have a friend you is abused just hang in there and be kind and encouraging and complimentary – much easier to leave when you feel like you deserve and can have something better.
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Women can get beaten down so much they don’t think they have the ability to leave. My mother divorced my father after a lifetime of physical and mental abuse. Several years later she met a man through a dating agency and married him. He raped and beat her repeatedly, and she sought protection orders, but always gave in and went back to him. The family helped her to escape twice. She eventually divorced him, but a year later she called us again saying she was marrying him again! He had hunted her down and manipulated her into going back. Several years, several beatings, constant verbal abuse, and a divorce later, and we’re back to square one. He’s moved in next door to her and is back to his old tricks again. We’re in the process of organising to move her interstate one night, packing up her house for her, and selling in the hope that he won’t find her again. She’s almost 80. All she’s ever known is how to be a victim of abuse. She cannot do it on her own. I hope it doesn’t take 7 tries.
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Far out! How sad..,,
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McFadden is clearly out of line to call someone who is going through this sort of thing “pathetic”.
But I do sort of get where he’s coming from. I understand all the argument about why some women can’t leave and get persuaded to stay but there is an element of truth in the idea that by staying they are participating in their abuse – not willingly of course, not suggesting they want it to happen. So assuming he’s telling the truth about having a friend in that situation what should he do (apart from informing a quarter of a million people about it)? Do you say she’s an adult and there’s nothing to do until she’s strong enough to leave or go to the police? Go to the police on her behalf? Or walk away and having nothing to do with her until she get’s out of this situation?
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Agree. Staying and making excuses is pretty pathetic. As is standing by and knowing it is happening to someone you know.
And no mention of the first line of his tweet.
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Very well said, Kris.
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Really Kris? What would you do if it was your sister/cousin/mother? As you can see from other posts you can help someone leave, but it doesn’t guarantee that it will stay that way. Or are suggesting giving the abuser “a touch up” too?
Calling someone pathetic that stays in that relationship is just like “sinking in the slipper”. They’ve most likely been called that by their abuser.
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Yep. Don’t complain and do nothing about it. You’re complicit in your own abuse. And if you know what’s going on, you’re complicit too. Get them arrested. Get to a shelter. If it comes to it, yes, get them touched up in a similar fashion to what they’ve done.
What makes you think I haven’t had someone close to me in that situation?
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I often agree with your comments, but here, couldn’t disagree more.
It’s easy to judge when you’re not the one in the situation because it can be terribly frustrating to watch, but like a lot of other things, you don’t know the experience until you walk in someone’s shoes.
I reiterate my comment about calling someone who is abused pathetic.
You try forcing someone who doesn’t want to go into a shelter….
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That’s fine – everyone’s entitled to their opinion! I don’t discount the effect that abuse has on people, but staying, or worse, going back, and making excuses, is pathetic.
I still note not one comment has been made (or posted after moderation) acknowledging the opening line of his tweet. You know, where he said “Men who hit women are pathetic”.
I think, like with the Campo tweet, and the always reliable “I’m not a girl, I’m a WOMAAAAN”, it’s fighting the wrong fight and focusing on the wrong part.
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He also had a drug fuelled relationship with his ex wife.
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Who is Brian McFadden?
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A beautiful friend of mine and her sister grew up as little girls in a house watching their mother suffer abuse from their father everyday. Their mum tried to leave with the girls many many times. But she couldn’t get away.
One day, when my friend was 7 years old and her sister was 9, they found their mother dead. Murdered by their father.
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There is no way I’d diminish the tragedy that befell your friend.
However, I can’t help but think that you’re just engaging in man bashing because you can.
Try googling “Mother kills children” and see how many hits you get.
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Man bashing because you can? This is in response to Brian McFadden’s tweet.
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Metaphorically, not physically.
See how things get taken the wrong way ?
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What?! Sorry, I find your comment highly offensive. There is no way I am man-bashing. I am simply telling a true, personal story. I would have told it the exact same way if the roles of my friends parents were reversed.
I seriously cannot believe that you have turned someone’s tragedy into a man-hate thing. Seriously.
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You know what? I find these constant stories about men being the only perpetrators of domestic violence offensive.
Of course, saying that on Mamamia is always going to cause a ruckus. However, the whole problem of domestic violence perpetrated by women is denied by MM, and by most women.
Try bringing up the subject of DV by women with a group of women, You know what sort of response you get? Either denial or justification. There’s no acceptance that it’s a problem.
So yes, I found your comment offensive and you just used this article to attack and showcase how bad men are when the article is about attitudes towards DV.
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Oh come on. That’s like saying that being outraged at drunk drivers is saying that all drives that get into accidents are drunk. We know that abuse is across the board, but the issue at hand is domestic abuse at the hands of men. Domestic abuse at the hands of women is another article for another time.
If you insist on adopting a persecution complex, you’ll find persecution in everything. Take some responsibility for your own reactions.
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You know what? You seem to be missing the whole point of the fact that I was telling a true story with the actual, black and white facts.
Would it have been better if I had just said ‘one day my friend and her sister found one parent dead. Murdered by the other parent’?
Perhaps it would have appeased you, but for goodness sake, I was only stating true facts. How can you possibly find the truth of a story offensive?
I had no intention nor to do I see how I ‘used this article to attack and showcase how bad men are’.
In a similar fashion, you are now using this article to attack me as a man-hater. Sorry, but how dare you. I have a husband, father and many other male relatives and friends who would find your comment just as horrid as I do.
Again, I was stating a true story, one close to my heart because it happened to a close friend of mine.
And for the record, I am well aware of DV perpetrated by women. Of course I am. Anyone who denies it is living on another planet.
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Well said.
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I don’t know what is worse, that he used the word pathetic to describe a vulnerable population of women..or.. He called his “FRIEND” PATHETIC!
I wouldn’t have a friend who would label me pathetic.
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“A vulnerable population of women” ?
I do so hate it when someone chooses to play the victim card instead of going for the jugular by presenting an argument, either pro or con !
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Not sure what your reply meant Bradley but I was suggesting that anyone in this situation (yes I generalised women and I’m sorry) is in a vulnerable position due to the emotional and physical toll it has on both parties.
My bottom line is Brian is a dick.
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Well, he thinks it, I think it and so do many other people. It is called freedom of speech. He has the right to his opinion. I don’t watch him and know little about him but I doubt he was claiming to be an expert on the matter.
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Exactly! I’ve always felt this way too and know so many others who do, but of course it’s not the popular thing to say.
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I was all of the above too but six, not two, years ago. I saw that Tweet and it meant nothing to me. In time such comments won’t hurt. You will, in a second, dismiss the person making them as the one who is truly pathetic.
I love what you say about him reminding him of your abuser. So true. People need to think twice whether their ‘help’ is helping: http://lipmag.com/opinion/hey-mate-women-can-swear-too/
I wonder what prompted him to think anyone cared about what he thought?
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The same thing that prompts anyone to tweet/facebook status/comment here. Felt like he had something to say and said it.
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why wont he just leave?? enough already….the guy always says the wrong thing…
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For god’s sake! I only know this guy as Delta’s ex.
Yet another know-nothing celebrity with a big mouth.
Who cares what he ‘tweets’!
Bloody Hell.
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I grew up in an abusive home, and I do think my mother is pathetic, amongst other things. It’s one thing to subject yourself to abuse, if you want to be somebody’s punching bag that’s your choice, but it’s a whole other thing to subject your children to it. My parents are still together, and at this point both disgust me equally. He’s an absolute piece of shit, but she’s the one who’s been defending him for 30 years, saying it’s ok, I love him anyway. She’s the one validating his behavior. She’s the one who’s had a million viable ways out and each time has chosen to stay. She’s the one who wanted to bring a child into her fucked up life and she’s the one who ignored her child’s pleas to leave. She’s done just as much, if not more damage than him.
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Totally agree. My story is the same as yours. I think both my parents are pathetic.
What I don’t understand is how you can fail to protect your children. It’s one thing to stay in an abusive situation yourself. Entirely another to subject your children to a childhood of sadness and abuse. My sister and I both suffer mental illness related to our childhood trauma.
We blame our mother as much as him.
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This is victim blaming. I blamed my mother for the same thing for years and then just realized one day I was blaming the wrong person. She did not deserve to be hit and there is it one person who was wrong and that was the abuser.
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So sorry this happened to you. I agree with your opinion. My father was abusive to my mother, as a kid I was sick to death of hearing her whinge about him yet he gets home from work and I’m told to not tell him any of what she said. Great position for a kid to be in. Yes my mother was pathetic, still is & so was my father. I rather agree with Brian, I guess the truth hurts which is why there’s outrage
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Why is Brian McFadden even making headlines in Australia at all? And why do some so called celebrities feel as though they are qualified to speak on such matters? I’ve met him and he really is a tool in real life!
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Could we please include a number that is NATION-wide and not just NSW-based? Most of us don’t live in NSW, since, you know, it’s only one state out of the whole country.
(Sorry, feeling quite contrary about so many things being NSW-directed, like they’re the only state in Australia. They’re not.)
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Or the only country… many articles are international yet only singular state focussed..
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Does his opinion really matter? No. He is just another one of those millions of people who uses twitter ect to say absolute rubbish that shouldn’t be said out loud at all.
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You can’t take what McFadden says seriously. He is a reality tv show judge and he is best friends with a radio shock jock. He should just shut up
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It was an extremely poor choice of words, especially in the public domain, but as a dinner party topic of discussion I think I get where he’s coming from. A partner who stays with an abusive person is validating the thinking of the abuser; by staying in the relationship and tolerating the behaviour you are confirming that the treatment of you is acceptable, and every person who vaildates that behaviour makes the abuser stronger and more sure of themselves. When children are brought into the relationship, the effects then start spiralling through future generations. For those on the outside, it’s scary to think what monsters are being created and encouraged day by day behind closed doors. Wasn’t there a national compaign for “mates don’t let mates drink and drive” – is this seen as blaming your mate for letting you drink & drive? No – it’s showing what personal impact you can have on your nearest & dearest for the good of us all. I just don’t see that expecting personal responsibility is the same as victim blaming.
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Lurker – this might be worth a read for you – it’s really not as simple for the victim as you’ve painted above.
http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/please-engage-brain-brian-20121209-2b3gc.html
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That was a terribly irritating post – needed serious editing.
‘Please engage brain, Brian’, ‘..don’t they, Brian?, ‘The point is, Brian..’ etc
I was so distracted by the overuse of ‘Brian’ I missed her point.
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Here is the edited part that really stood out for me…
Every year across Australia the Salvos help more than 2000 women escape domestic violence. And can you guess the average number of times a woman will try to leave? Seven.
It’s not called a ”cycle of violence” for nothing. There’s the build-up, the explosion and then the remorse, which kicks off a ”pursuit phase” where the women and children are coaxed back for a period of calm known as the ”honeymoon phase”. Counsellors say this can be the most dangerous period for a woman. Pressure builds within the perpetrator for various reasons – be it work, dark thoughts or family pressures – and the cycle begins anew.
So, as you can see, Brian, there are many reasons why women ”make excuses”. Keep in mind that some are also battling with their own demons – perhaps drug or alcohol addiction or physical or psychological disabilities. So it’s not that your friend is indecisive or weak (or, should I say, it’s not just because she is, and who wouldn’t be under such circumstances?), it’s just that she doesn’t know where to turn.
The Salvos will tell you domestic violence is the single-largest cause of women and children becoming homeless. Can you imagine it, Brian? Arriving at the door of a refuge with your kids and the few clothes you managed to stuff in an overnight bag. And, all the while, sick with worry that he’ll find you, or this time will make good on his threat to dismember your beloved pet, which, of course, you’ve had to leave behind.
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Thanks for the edit. The average number of attempted escapes is seven!? Holy moly.
(still a couple of ‘Brian’s in there – sticking out like a sore thumb to me)
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Well, if there’s an expert on abusing women, it’s the Salvos. It’s been well over forty years since the Salvos tortured my mother in one of their homes, and yet she still shakes violently, with tears streaming down her face just driving past the place.
But back on topic, I know how frustrating it can be to watch a friend in that situation, and no matter the help they get offered, they keep going back for more. In the end people only do to you what you let them. Is it as simple as that? Of course not. Not when you’ve been made to feel like you’ll never do any better.
Perhaps a tweet out of frustration that could be put in a much better way.
Also, the hell is Brian McFadden? Never heard of him until now.
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I don’t think anyone should read too much into what Brian McFadden says, honestly. Anyone that thinks the things he says are valuable are probably just as idiotic as he is.
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For the last time Brian – pleeaase go home!
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come on, don’t be like that. that’s pretty much saying ‘go back to where you came from’
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Completely agree migrant. Lisa- it’s not okay to speak out about your opinions on domestic abuse, but some casual racism/xenophobia is fine?
People are so hypocritical.
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Pfft – now there’s an over-reaction!
Besides – nothing wrong with wanting a non-contributing, useless member of society out out out
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pretty sure they have twitter where he came from, wherever it is (don’t know the guy)
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Thank you SO MUCH for this.
I was in a similar situation for 2 years. I was hit, punched, pushed down stairs, choked, told I wasn’t worthy of any better and made to feel I deserved/earned such treatment.
I called myself pathetic, he called me pathetic – I don’t need a celebrity to go ahead and do it, too!
I also covered every bruise, every red mark, every scar, every shred of evidence of what he did. Because I was too proud to let people know what I allowed him to do to me. Too proud to let people know I couldn’t leave.
But you know what, I did leave. NOT because somebody called me pathetic. But because I recognised I deserved more. Because I looked at words like “worthy”, “strong”, “better than this”, “valued” and knew they applied to me, even if he didn’t agree.
Thank you for writing this article and calling out the rotten language use that is prevalent in our society – still blaming the woman for being the victim of abuse.
To anyone that is currently in a relationship that is in any way similar, please know this – you are worthy of so much more. You are valuable. You are stronger, braver, more courageous than you can imagine.
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Hi MamaMia team,
Perhaps consider including the number/website for 1800RESPECT at the bottom of your article with the referral information. It is a national counselling service, rather than a statewide one.
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I was impressed with Andrew O’keefe over the weekend who totally ripped into Brian McFadden on weekend Sunrise over the stupidity of that tweet. From what I understand he is a white ribbon ambassador.
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He does a lot with White Ribbon, most of it under the radar.
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I really like Andrew- he comes out with some well worded thoughtful opinions on many things.
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Im sorry but I have to agree with Brian on this and yes I have been in an abusive relationship, if you keep going back to your partner time and time again when you know that they are abusive then yes you are just as bad as they are. You are pathetic and yes I was pathetic for going back again and again. But you as a person are not pathetic only your actions, If you do love your family and yourself then you need to break the circle and leave for good lean on family and friends to help you see that you can grow strong and Independent
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Please, please, please do not have children with this man. If you’re finding it difficult to leave an abusive relationship with only yourself to think about, it will be 1000 times harder to get away with a child/children involved and affected. I’m sure you won’t want to bring up kids with a fearsome father and a scared, abused mother. Rise above, and be strong; get out. You can do it x
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Can anyone else hear Delta exhaling with relief?
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That tweet was so disappointing. So disappointing that he would use his c-grade celebrity status to reach over 200k followers with victim blaming undertones.
Gee thanks Brian, next time you feel like speaking out against domestic violence maybe you could drop the victim blaming-you come off as less of an ally for men and women in these situations and more of an uneducated judgemental douchebag who shames people who are victims.
I’ve unfortunately been a victim of domestic violence, and suffer from PTSD as a result. I chose to remove myself from the situation but it took a few months and a lot of courage and a battle through depression to come out the other side. These situations aren’t black and white and they are especially difficult if you have no family support system around you.
In a society that already makes topics such as domestic violence feel so taboo to talk about, that already makes a lot of victims feel too ashamed, embarrassed or small to speak out without fear of judgement I’m so angry that twitter provided this misinformed ignorant a platform to speak up on.
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Well said “Pathetic”. I am still in a very similar position to you and understand all too well the paralysis you experienced.
My partner throws me around the house when he doesn’t get his own way, he pushes me against the wall and throws me on the bed and chokes me. He has spat in my face, screamed in my face and regularly calls me a c*&t.
I live in constant fear of upsetting him. I. live. in. constant. fear.
I have tried to leave. As many women in these situations, he finds me and talks me back. Convinces me that no one will even love me like he does, that we are meant to be together and that he wants me to be the mother of his children. Because I am so weak, because I am not myself, I go back to him.
It takes every single ounce of strength I have to try and leave and each time I fail, I get so much weaker.
However, I do not believe that I am as bad as him because I stay. And you are in no position to say so Brian. Until you have lived through this hell. Until you have lived as a shell of yourself, after being hollowed out by the one who says they love you the most. Until you have doubted your own sanity because you never thought YOU would be in this position and he tells you that it’s your fault he’s treating you like this. Until you have lived this life. SHUT the EFF UP, and support your friend.
Ps. I know he has apologised. But that still doesn’t mean he didn’t tweet it in the first place.
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I hope you gather up the stregnth and courage to leave him for good, you sound like you are a million times better than him, who deserves so much more!
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Oh please get out now BEFORE you become the mother of his children! You deserve so much better and you ARE NOT pathetic.
I pray you find the courage to leave for the last time. You know his tactics so be prepared for the sob stories and guilt trip he’ll lay on you.
Good luck!
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You are amazing.
You are so much stronger than you think you are – you are courageous, brave and independent.
I hope that next time you leave, it is for good.
I’ve been where you are. I get it. It breaks my heart you’re going through this. I hope and pray you are able to leave xx
Love from “was once pathetic”
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Please leave. Please do the right thing by your future children and do not make this man their father. Please do not bring them into an abusive life.
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Please leave him. It is so hard, so very hard, but there are services out there to support you, you don’t have to do it alone. You know that he isn’t going to change, you know that it will only get worse and you know that you are worth SO MUCH MORE.
Please ask for help, know that you are worth having a good, happy, safe life. You do not have to live with fear. No matter how hard it is, one day, when you are happy and well and loved and respected you will be here telling someone like you to leave, that it is possible, that there is a wonderful life just waiting for you. You can do it, you have the strength to admit what is happening, you have the strength to make the change.
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Run. Run far. Never look back. Your future children and their children will thank you.
It is a cycle. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself out loud if this is the man you want to teach your children how to be a man. And to show them how a man treats a woman.
Bundle up ALL of your strength and I know there might not be much, put it in your heart and know there is a better life for you.
Go now. Start the new year free.
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You deserve better than this. You are worth so much more. I hope that one day you will realise it and leave safely.
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You CAN do it, and you will – you really will. Do you have some supportive friends in your life? Have you told them? If you’ve been trying to hide it and keep it secret, please try to start telling someone you can trust. The more friends you can confide in, the more strength and confidence they can give you. x Sending you lots of courage and hope
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It made you angry, Brian? You poor thing, let me pat you on the head….
Once we’re done with that, maybe you can go back to working out the best way to support your friend on a timetable that’s possible for her, not you.
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