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When you think of bisexuals what are the first things that come to mind? Is it that promiscuous, attention seeker that kissed some girl in front of a group of guys? Or is it Katy Perry’s infamous “I kissed a girl (and I liked it)”?
In Sex and the City, Charlotte York once said “I’m very into labels; gay, straight, pick a side and stay there”. For one of the most sexually innovative shows of its generation, that line shows the ignorance that seems to be embedded in society. People don’t take you seriously. I should know. I came out to my family and friends at sixteen. And of course who’s going to believe a teenager? You’re either viewed as being a ‘gay in waiting’, or you’re just “experimenting”.
When I came out I felt confused about liking girls and being girly. I felt guilty about being femme. People feel comfortable when they can stick a label on you. And unfortunately bisexuality makes people uncomfortable. Suddenly you can’t be trusted. At any moment you could jump ship and start batting for the other team. And this is the problem, if you “marry” either sex in theory you’re picking a side.
The main theme of the Mardi Gras parade this year was gay marriage, which has thankfully become a hot political topic. Julia Gillard is behind the times when it comes to equality for non-heterosexual couples. And I for one am sick and tired of the discrimination and homophobic laws that determine who can’t get married. Evidently you can’t commit to another person unless you have a vagina, and they have a penis. Forget two vaginas or two penises, sorry that’s not OK. Next.
I get some interesting questions. A stand out was: “If you’re really a bisexual, why don’t you just date men? Then you won’t have to worry about gay marriage, equality and all that bullshit”. If only it was that easy. Unfortunately you can’t pick who you fall in love with. Just like people fall in love with someone who’s a different skin colour or even someone who doesn’t speak your language.
I’m lucky to have parents who have always been supportive of me. I’m not naive enough to believe all parents are this accepting. The truth can set you free but it can also leave you very lonely if your parents and friends fail to accept who you really are. My dad could’ve won the world record for chain-smoking three cigarettes in the space of five minutes after I told him I was bisexual. But, my dad is an absolute legend and although I know he’s not entirely comfortable talking about people’s sexuality – especially his daughter’s, I know in my heart that he accepts me for who I am. And that’s all I need. Love. The unconditional kind. My mum is the same; except we can openly talk about my relationships and her support is unwavering.
Karla, who also identifies as bi came out to her friends at nineteen. She admits “it’s easier for me to let people assume I’m straight”. The problem is that “people don’t understand bisexuality. It’s often thought of as an excuse for promiscuous behaviour, or viewed as me being gay but afraid to come out”. For this reason she tends not to tell straight men of her bisexuality unless she’s asked directly. I follow this too as it sometimes becomes the only aspect of you that the guy is interested in. And you know what? My sexuality is only a small part of who I am. Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t suddenly translate as I’m keen for a threesome. Shock. Horror.
The bisexual pride flag
Recently Karla was asked why she was still single. Surely if you have both sexes to choose from it must be easier right? But she admits “it’s more difficult. I’m attracted to the person regardless of their sex, not because of it but no matter who I’m in a relationship with, I tend to feel I’m missing an element that the other sex could provide. It leads to huge commitment issues for me”. For some this may seem as though bisexuals can never truly be happy or ‘satisfied’ with one sex. Untrue. Many bisexuals are in committed, monogamous relationships.
I’ve always thought that my attraction to girls would fade away and I would be straight and for lack of a better word, ‘normal’. I craved to be just another girl who was attracted to men. Exclusively. I have never felt pressure from anyone else in my life to feel this way. And it has caused endless battles within my relationships. I can appreciate both the curves and softness of a woman’s body and the strength and masculinity of a man’s.
Within the gay scene there isn’t much support for bisexuals and we don’t seem to have much of our own community either. It’s also difficult for lesbians to take bisexual women seriously. “They think I would string them along, I’m just curious and will still end up with a man”. Of the celebrities who have announced their bisexuality (think Drew Barrymore, Angelina Jolie, and Lady Gaga) the majority are in long-term relationships with men. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are the last openly bisexual couple that I remember. And would you really call Lindsay a role model? Hell to the no.
While I’m comfortable with my sexuality there are people who I haven’t come out to (that will change after this post). I’m taking a stand for other individuals who are less confident about their sexuality or who are struggling to identify themselves. You have my support, whoever you are – don’t live a lie especially to yourself, be who you are and be proud. Life is too short.
Rose Russo is a freelance writer, blogger and self confessed chocoholic.
Comments
100 Comments so far
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Having come out of a 25 year hetro marriage, looking femme, but finding myself attracted only to women (and only a few!). I’ve found myself as an assumed experimenting bi! Nothing further from that for me. HIndsight is a revelation that I’ve been interested in only women almost forever! But bi is still assumed! Whatever…I’m happy so who cares!
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Thank you for sharing your story. I too am bi and have always been more of a femme. I’ve known I’ve been interested in both sexes all my life and have been with both sexes. I agree it becomes so much more about the person than the gender. I’m now in a committed “straight” relationship and I know I’ll marry this man but there will always be a small part of me that knows there is a part of me that won’t be fulfilled, sometimes that’s hard. Also people now look at me and think I’m straight and that can also make me feel uncomfortable as that isn’t who I am. I’ll tell people occasionally that I’m bi or if asked but I don’t feel Its something I need to broadcast as all my friends know. I really do feel like we are the “grey” area in sexuality…
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Im the 1st to admit that im into both men and women, i have no problem what your sexual preference is, thats just you are where you are at in life. I have friends that are straight, bi, gay/lesbian and they all mix together with out too many problems (just a few personality clashes but who is perfect lol) .
I hid my sexuality for a while until i thought i dont really care what you think, i know i did shock my partner at the time, he became insecure that i would leave him for another women , but to his dismay id been with a few before id even layed eyes on him. he did enjoy the “benefits” of having a “Bi-sexual” girlfriend. The sad thing is i think it was rose that said it, Im a girly girl, and when i want out from the mainstream pubs an clubs i like to goto the gay and lesbian ones , the sad thing is that i sometimes need to dress my self to be “accepted” and like rose said not be seen as the straight girl with her lesbian bestie !!!!. Hmmmmmmmz . anyway most of the time i can go as i want to be and its fine.
thats me done for now Mwahz xoxoxoxo
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Really thought provoking post Rose.
I have a long term boyfriend (together 4 years) and have only ever been with guys.
But I would struggle to identify myself as heterosexual.
I also don’t think I could identify myself as bi, not having had the experience.
I remember as a teen asking my mum what she would think if I was lesbian. She said she wouldn’t mind, and that it all comes down to who you love. She said that although she had only slept with my dad she felt that she would be/have been equally capable of falling in love with a woman. (my mum has since divorced my dad, had a long term boyfriend, split with him, and has now married another man. I am not aware of any action with any ladies)
Sometimes I feel like I may have missed out, not having ‘discovered’ this side of me more, not having had any real sexual contact with another girl. I have kissed other girls, in fact my first “tongue–touching-’kiss’ ” was in the bath with a close girlfriend when I was about 10! but these experiences were all far more fun/experimentation than being really into each other.
I feel like I wouldn’t know how to hit on a girl either without insulting her – if she was hetero would she think I was a lesbian and take it badly??, if she was lesbian would she think I was just wanting a bit of experimentation… ??
Maybe the right opportunity has never presented itself, or maybe I just never realised.
I do know I def. like guys, there is no doubt in my mind about that! I also love my current boyfriend very much and hope we will stay together. I’m not interested in having a threesome for heaps of reasons. I would consider me sleeping with another woman as cheating, and so don’t think that is for me either while I am in a relationship. Though who knows.
Hmmm all these labels make my head spin.
What do you call a relationship between a girl who is bi and a guy who is bi ?
I get what your friend Karla says about feeling like she is missing out on an element each time. Although to be honest, in any monogomous relationship you will always be missing out on something…. a big penis, big biceps, arty attitude, generous with money, cuddly, elegant, brunette…
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Half the comments on here have disappeared?
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Confusing … can’t say I have noticed any missing?
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Hey Miss T, I can still see all of them?
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Now they’re back!! It must be my account/computer, it’s been doing odd things with logging me in & out and stuff lately. Don’t worry, I’ve told Mikey about them
.
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im a 25yo male and considered myself very strait until I was 20 then became very curious.
I’m not sure id call myself bi. Im only really attracted to males wen very drunk and could never masterbate over the thought or images of a dude.
Maybe I’m just sexual. Or desperate.
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Or bi-curious? I have to say that generally guys have a harder time coming out to their friends as bi-curious or bisexual.
Perhaps it’s a little easier for girls because we are fairly in tune with one another and are more affectionate.
I don’t think you’re desperate just in tune with your sexuality. I think it takes a lot to admit it to yourself and you shouldn’t be ashamed about it.
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def only bi-curious. still prefer women. bu i like that i now have the option of either.
i find it massivly hard to tell my friends, wich is really stupid coz noone have ever said anything negative. some have even said that they think its cool! yet im still to scared to tell my parents and some of my other friends. its just…. awkward.
i think most dudes are bi, or have no preference, society probly breeds it into from a young age that u should be strait. i think in the next 50 years, as the stigma disapears, the amount of bi people will increase.
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I agree with you. I think accepting it with yourself is the most important step. There are still people in my life who have no idea (perhaps this has changed since I shared this article on Facebook) but I’m tired of not finding the right words to say it, so I just wrote it instead.
In time you’ll find a way to tell the people who matter.
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Wow. I really liked that.
Coming out to my husband, my mum and my sister that I was equally attracted to women as I am to men was no where near as hard as figuring out how I felt about it myself.
Am I just hyper-sexual? Can I really be classified as bi-sexual because I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man?
I realized that I’m actually physically attracted to the male form, AND the female form.
I do sometimes feel like I’m really missing out because I’ve never acted on that attraction to a woman. Plenty of people are of the opinion that that fact disqualifies me for bi-sexual status too… It’s not just the sexual aspect either, I’m emotionally attracted to men and women too.
I don’t exactly know why, or how it happened, I just know that’s how it is.
It’s a terrifyingly confusing position to be in… And I definitely feel misunderstood, by society and my own self!
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I’m struggling with the idea that you categorise yourself as bisexual if you havent actually followed through and ‘had a dip’ with the same sex. My theory is because I feel personally that the idea of being with a woman is a huge turn on to me, and I will often read/look at lesbian erotica but I do not want to be ‘lesbian’ and I would never follow through with it. If I was bisexual, I would have been compelled to act on my lesbian feelings before I got married, and I didnt. I have kissed a girl, but this was a drunken pash at a nightclub, and didnt go beyond that.
I dont want to be gay/bisexual, but if I did, I would hope to be authentic and act on that…. but then it would be cheating on your hubby.
interesting situation to be in.
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‘I don’t want to be gay/bisexual’ – I’m not having a dig at you but I’m just curious about this statement. If you’re looking at and enjoying lesbian erotica doesn’t this hint that you’re at least curious about the same sex? Everyone’s different – I get that, I just think maybe you’re giving yourself an excuse with “I have a hubby and that would be cheating”.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe cheating is cheating regardless of the sex of the person but I wonder if you were single perhaps you would explore your sexuality more.
Your statement that you don’t want to be ‘lesbian’ – I’m unsure why you put the commas around the word.
As I said I’m not having a go at you I’m just not understanding your comment.
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This is what I hate about labels. I don’t think anything disqualifies you from feeling gay, bisexual, heterosexual etc.. other than the way YOU feel. As long as you respect the relationship you’re in I don’t see the problem in exploring your sexuality.
Perhaps it’s something you might want to act on at some point when you’re ready. You’re not alone in your confusion. Just remember that it is a part of who you are even if you are in a monogamous relationship with a man. While you might not act on it, don’t push it down and hide it. Remember to respect the people around you and be true to yourself.
If I ever get married I believe I will always identify myself as bisexual as I’ve had sexual experiences and relationships with men and women. Yes I may be choosing a side if I marry a man or a woman – but that would be because I love them before anyone else and their gender would not matter.
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Interesting when you say bi-sexuals don’t get support from the gay community. My sister is gay, and simply because she is “girlie” (whatever that means), and has long hair, wears make-up, dresses/skirts, heels, etc… she isn’t taken seriously by many other gay women, and they don’t believe her. If at a gay club, other women think she’s one of the “fag hags” that hang out with their “gay bestie”.
It’s all a bit sad, really.
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You can’t help who you love.
Apart from the possible awkwardness of having other people confused when you introduce them to a boyfriend and later on a girlfriend I can’t see why it would be an issue to other people. (I hope I’ve explained myself without causing offence).
I see it as being freer to love who you love. Sexuality is so grey – never as black and white as some people would like it.
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i completely agree. I don’t understand why it’s an issue if someone else is gay/straight/bi or any other label there is. i understand some people may be uncomfortable with the idea but i figure as long as people aren’t shoving their relationships in front of other people’s faces, it shouldn’t be an issue (and that’s for hetero people too, personally i don’t like knowing the deep, intimate details of anyone’s private life).
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I would argue that in the specific case of her openness about loving a woman, Lohan IS in fact a role model when it comes to that. If I was 21, had just come out to the public and my parents didn’t support me (and in the case of the father, he said that she “wouldn’t even consider asking him” to be at her wedding. Yes, that openly homophobic.) I’d be right back in the closet. She didn’t do that though. If anything she only became more out as time went by. Think about this: Lohan’s inability to hide her emotions and her passion is why she was so open about Ronson. And it is the ability to hide one’s emotions and one’s passion that enable closeted actors to continue living closeted lives. Lohan being out was a long-fought battle on her part according to her former boss. We don’t get to choose who is a part of our community . And it is hypocritical for some in our community (and I’m not referring to you Rose) to say, “Everyone come out! Except you, we don’t want you.” if we want people to know that LGBT people are everywhere.
On another note, I’ve noticed many bisexual and sexually fluid people of my generation state that “Everyone is bisexual” and “Sexuality is fluid.” That is disrespectful and untrue. Respect is a two-way street and if you want to be respected as bisexual or sexually fluid then you should respect that lesbianism, male homosexuality and heterosexuality also exist. “Sexuality can be fluid” is a more correct term. It’s normal to want to be accepted but it can be a bit irritating when people make such umbrella statements. If bisexual or sexually fluid is the label you choose then fine. But it’s not everyone’s.
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Thanks, I had never seen through the eyes of someone who is bi. Enlightening
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Thank you
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A lesbian history lecturer of mine once told my class that she believed we all have the ability/opportunity (call it what you want) to be either gay or straight. That at some point in life (usually very young) we find ourselves in a situation where we evidently go one way or the other. From her point of view it was a social factor more so than a genetic that would lead people to be gay or straight.
Being straight myself, I am a fan of this idea, but I can see how some people would argue they are born this way (I hate the implication that being gay can then ultimately be ‘fixed’ genetically).
My point being, I view bisexuality as a beautiful thing, a state of being for some individuals, who have never been in a situation where they had to ‘choose’ to go one way or the other. They have never been expoxed to situations that would make them prefer one gender over the other, and so have love for all.
As I’m writing I can see the implications this has, and I’m definitely not trying to simplify bisexuality, nor to describe it as something rosey or banal. I just like the idea of the ‘in-the-middle’ people who chose a person before they choose a gender.
That said, I’m so over the labels too by now. Let’s all move on.
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Thank you Rose. The assumptions other people make about bisexuals range from mildly irritating to downright dangerous. As a bi woman, I’ve been on the receiving end of a few – especially the promiscuous variety.
In this country, I think it’s more dangerous for a man to identify himself as bisexual, than it is for a woman. I could be wrong, but I’ve heard terrible stories from South Africa – where lesbians are raped in an attempt to “correct” their sexuality. It reminds me of the vicious gay-bashings that were going on in the 80′s. Whilst I don’t like the pervy factor of attitudes towards bisexual women, I do think it improves our safety somewhat.
For the record, most women who identify as lesbians have instantly disliked me, and some of them have genuinely scared me. But, I’ve never even discussed my sexuality with them, wtf is that about?
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You’re very true about South Africa (sorry to put a downer on your Saturday morning with this link!)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/09/lesbian-corrective-rape-south-africa
It’s getting a lot more press than in previous years, which it should as the stories are so sad and horrifying.
Although not all lesbians are bad, don’t let some idiots put you off! Can I ask why some of them have scared you, if it’s not too forward?
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I always thought being bisexual would have the amazing benefit of giving you an immense pool of could-be-soulmates. Like my sister, who having been with boys, fell for her female bestie and they’ve bene together five years now.
I guess I’ve never really thought about the downsides and the discrimination from within the LGBT community. There are many of us out there who are happy for you to be happy with whoever makes you that way! And anyone who thinks Katy Perry is bisexual- well, I think they perhaps shouldn’t get a say in the more important things.
Hope your final outing goes well!
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I guess it’s hard for me, because I have had such effing great parents who forced it down my throat that whatever I was, that was ok.
Having said that, I have never felt any desire to ‘come out’ as bisexual, because frankly, it’s nobody’s business and tough shit for people that find it challenging. If I turn up with a female partner, then perhaps this is unkind, but I expect that my friends will be ok with that. Just as I would do the same for them. I don’t care, and I don’t care what people think of me. I’m not a bad person, or different from the person they knew, because I’ve always been this way. It’s just their perception of me that may change, and I have never been responsible for or answerable to that.
F**k em if they can’t take a joke.
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That’s an interesting point, Sam. A friend of mine, who I wasn’t sure was bisexual (she’d never said anything directly), just one day introduced me to her girlfriend. And you know what, that was fine. I didn’t expect her to make an announcement – of course I would always accept her and whoever she chose to go out with with open arms. I like that it wasn’t a big deal, and she didn’t feel like it had to be a ‘discussion’.
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Interesting read, I put myself about a 2 on the Kinsey Scale.
Having a very close friend who is asexual and genderqueer as well as one who is intersexed and gay, I have learnt life isn’t as simple as straight, gay, male and female. And none of it really matters. Love, acceptance, that’s what it’s all about.
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I always love your comments, and I love them even more now that you used the term genderqueer!
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Thanks Nico
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What’s genderqueers?
And are u being serious about the asexual friend ?
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Yep I’m serious.
Genderqueer means you identify as neither male nor female. My friend is genderqueer. Depending on what day you see them & what they’re wearing, you will think they are male or female. Most of the time you can’t tell which they are. I know biologically which they are, but they don’t identify as that gender, nor the other. Some days they identify as one, some days the other, but most days neither.
That same person is asexual or non-sexual, sexually attracted to no one.
My other friend is biologically both male and female (intersexed), identifies as female (went through school as male) and is a lesbian. We went to school together.
Given how many variations of gender identify & sexual orientation there are, I think it actually matters very little. But I acknowledge I’m probably a bit more easy going than most
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I should specify that genderqueer is a catch all term for people who don’t identify as male or female. This breaks down into many different variants.
Wikipedia defines all the variants within this term as:
both man and woman (bigender, pangender)
neither man nor woman (genderless, agender)
moving between genders (genderfluid)
third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender
having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual orientation
Hope that helps!
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That is really interesting Miss T…. thanks for sharing!
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Fascinating! And I agree, love and acceptance is where it’s at.
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Hi Rose, thanks for such a great, personal and well written post.
I came out as bisexual to my mum earlier this year. My dad is definitely not finding out until I move out.
I can relate to that feeling of just wanting to be considered ‘normal’ – I’ve struggled with that for a while now.
Often, if I point out that I think a guy is cute, my gay friends would remark that I’m “so straight”.
It frustrates me that people don’t seem to believe me and think I’m just in ‘limbo’.
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Friends that do not accept you for what you are, are not friends.
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100% with 4TehLulzYo.
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I know how you feel J-Pirate… just do what feels right for you. I told my mum first as well. Both of them didn’t take it well at first (I think that is to be expected) but neither of them ever made me feel unloved. I hope you have a loving family too.
Sometimes you’re friends but just find you confusing because it’s not happening to them. I’ve had friends say to me before that I’m “so straight” and at times I do feel heterosexual.
As I’ve got older I’ve just learnt to go with my feelings and stop thinking about the gender of the person. It works.
All the best with coming out to your family and friends and thanks for reading my post x
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Out of genuine curiosity, a man who always chased women as a young guy, married, had kids etc etc.. then leaves his wife in his mid 40′s for a man. Is he bi, was he always gay but kept it hidden so he could do what was expected of him and then finally decided he cant live a lie any more, did he not realise he was gay until he was older, or just meet someone who made him happy who happened to be a guy?
Its happened twice now with people we know (not close friends) and I genuinely wonder what the story is??
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Ask them. Each probably has their own reasons for what happened.
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Only the men themselves could answer that question.
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That’s a far too general scenario, as in any given instance of what you’ve described, it’d be extremely individual and subjective.
It’d be like asking “if a person grows up atheist, is firmly against all religion, formally denounces whatever, but then decides that Buddhism is their thing, does that mean they were religious all along?!”.
Without knowing the specific circumstances, the person themselves, and their actual view on the situation, all you’ll have is hypothetical BS.
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Rose, I agree with your comment about the PM. She is behind the times when it comes to granting equality to non-hetero couples. The issue of gay marriage may be raised for discussion at the ALP conference, but I honestly don’t see anything happening other than discussion.
As progressive as some leftie politicians may be, the constituents that they represent are pretty darn ultra conservative when it comes to showing equality to the gay community. At the end of the day, they bow to their constituents.
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She needs to realise that the fags/queers/dykes/queens/twinks/femmes/butches/tinkerbells etc have the right to be as miserable as everyone else.
P.S. I think the ‘institute of marriage’ is a farce at best, and just a prelude to inevitable divorce at worst.
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“I think the ‘institute of marriage’ is a farce at best, and just a prelude to inevitable divorce at worst.”
OH no! I think I’ve just found my arch nemesis!
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Not at all, just a differing view point
But I am a seriously cynical prick at times
A piece of paper based on archaic pseudo-religious social norms shouldn’t be what’s need to prove you love someone and wish to spend the rest of your life with them. Dedication, understanding, communication, sacrifice, and the emotions you feel do that and more.
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Ahh… OK, so it’s the legal bit/label you object to. Then we’re fine. But if it were the idea of spending your life with someone, or love, then I think we would be spiderman & green goblin for life.
I bags spiderman
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Mainly the label, and the whole becoming a statistic. But my life experiences – and the experiences of those around/close to me- have led me to this opinion.
Nuh-uh. I’m Spidey. I wanna swing for buildings and shiz! You can haz that green gobby all to yourself!
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OK, fine, I’ll be Batman.
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I believe that. But then why do I love weddings so damn much..
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Weddings & marriage are two very different things
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I may be bi-curious as I’ve often pointed out a particular male to my wife, stating “isn’t he a beautiful looking young guy”. I honestly can’t say that I’ve felt the desire to take it any further than the compliment that I won’t make to his face.
Great article my little Rose of Cappodimonte. God, I think that you’d be a great guest on MMTV ! But as everyone is being too serious…time for a little levity.
I know a bi-sexual couple. They pay for sex.
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I’d say you’d be a 1 on the Kinsey Scale if that’s the end of it.
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Thanks Bradley. It’s fantastic that you are comfortable enough in your sexuality and your relationship to be open about these things!
And I’d jump at the chance to go on MMTV… if anything I’d love to just meet Sam, he is brilliant.
Who is this bisexual couple you speak of? Tsk tsk, never happy with one sex are they?
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Well. I like girls and I like men, and I have for a long time. No biggie.
But do I call myself bisexual? No. Do I need to go all militant about it? No. Do I feel marginalised and discriminated? No. Do I feel like I need to tell all and sundry (except those who seem to share my interest)? Uhh, nah. Do I need a friggin flag? Puhleese.
My advice is spend more time enjoying your sexuality and less time trying to trumpet it.
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Great comment, anon. I wish that more people would do as you suggest. Enjoy who you are and what you are, but leave the trumpet of militancy at home.
I don’t give a toss if you’re gay, straight, bi, Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, Muslim, tall, short, fat or thin. Don’t politicise your belief in your own self importance in my face.
Again, another catch more flys with honey than vinegar moment !
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lucky for you it is so easy but clearly not everyone feels the same.
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i think i may be bisexual. i am really girly too though so it’s extremely confusing for me to tell if the girl crushes that i’ve had my entire life are romantic/sexual attraction, or wanting to be like the other girl. it’s incredibly confusing for me. i am in a relationship with a man now, and i love him alot, but if i perve on people it’s not just men. i will often find myself staring at other girls and looking at their bottoms (not in a pervy way just a natural sort of thing). when i was 14 i had a few girl crushes that were very intense, so intense that i asked my mum if i was a lesbian, and she said no, it was normal to be confused as a teenager. but i also have been attracted to men intensly too. i find myself infatuated with people constantly, and i am intoxicated by both male and female beauty. i feel like there is something wrong with me, like i am sexually over the top or something, because having sexual attraction for both men, and women seems too much.
does this sound like bisexuality to you? or am i just a young confused person:/?
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This sounds completely normal to me but as you’re growing up I think it can be very confusing. I don’t like labels either. I would just enjoy your sexuality – it has taken me a long time to be comfortable with mine. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Talk to those you trust around you and you’ll find that many people feel confused at some point.
xxx
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What do you mean at some point? We’re all still pretty bloody confused
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I think we’re both experts at being confused
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Don’t go stressing over being ‘too girly’ to be something, there’s no one way for anyone in the LGBT to look
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I am a girly lesbian and while I don’t advertise my sexuality I certainly don’t hide it either. People are often surprised when they find out about my sexual persuasion and I am always being told I don’t look gay which I take as a compliment. It’s not that I am not proud to be gay I just can’t stand people making assumptions and labeling you.
Dont go for a label – Just be you and proud of it
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Like the rest of us you probably feel a need to find a label that suits you to wear, but like others have commented, I’d suggest you just enjoy life, enjoy the butterflies when you have a crush on someone and take as much as possible from life.
Talk with your crushes, see if the attraction goes beyond physical and then take it from there. Obviously, stay true to who you are, what you feel is right and do your very best to not hurt the people who are close to you. I.e. be honest with your partner about your feelings if they start cooling off etc.
Love is a wonderful thing, don’t let it be defined by gender!
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Yes! Don’t be defined by your gender.
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I feel the same as all the things you’ve described. It’s not clear cut. And actually i could go either way easily even though I’m in a long term relationship with a man right now.
He knows about my feelings. He’s understanding. But gosh it drives me crazy because it’s like I’m missing something
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Can we retire ‘Hell to the no’?
Thanks
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Noted!
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Hallelujah! Most annoying online phrase ever. First time, original and funny. 150th time, not so much……
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Agreed!!
Also.inserting.full.stops.between.words.
Can.not.stand.it!
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Looks like your keyboard has asthma
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Thank you Rose for this article. I agree that bisexuality is misunderstoof. What you said about loving the person over their sex is a valid and important point. I see too many people sterotyping a bisexual into being a lover of threesomes!!! Sex if usually the last thing on the list when it comes to these feelng for someone of the same or opposite sex. My friend states ‘I don’t feel the need to close myself off to the possibility of falling in love with either sex – just because it helps society understand me’…. thanks again, and thanks mamamia for publishing this xxx
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Great article Rose and it’s really good to see the intelligent responses.
Bisexuality is something most women at least think about and often try out when they’re in teens and twenties. I absolutely know that I’m straight, no doubting it, but when I was younger it was something I questioned.
With articles such as this which make it acceptable to question our choice of sexuality hopefully it will be far easier for future young women.
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Really hate to be nit picky here…sorry really not trying to have a go or anything….but I don’t believe it’s a ‘choice’.
I don’t beleive you choose who to fall in love with (male or female). I believe you can choose to have different sexual experiences and maybe in those choices you will gain some clarity or a better undertstanding of who or what you are naturally physically attracted to. But fundamentally people do not choose to be gay or straight or bi.
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Sexuality is fluid. Preference is fluid. It’s neither choice, nor set in stone for you, it’s just a matter of where life takes you with it.
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Huh?
What definitions are you applying to ‘sexuality’ and ‘preference’?
Forgive me but it’s Friday afternoon and it’s been a long week at work….totally not following you.
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Was reiterating the point. Sorry if it was a bit vague/confusing. In this context they are one and the same.
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No. Sexuality CAN be fluid, 4TehLulzYo. It is not always fluid.
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Interesting article! I think it helps to make the distinction between who (or what for that matter!) you can be sexually attracted to and who you are able to fall in love with.
In my experience these are separate things. I think, and feel free to disagree or agree, that emotional attraction defines whether you are gay or straight or bi (manufactured lables) and who you have the physical hots for doesn’t come into it.
One of the problems we have in society is the use of terms like ‘sexuality’ which immediately wraps the emotional and physical sides of things into one not-so-neat package.
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Really interesting point. Never thought of it like that.
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As usual, impressive stuff Rose
And for once, I’m not gonna troll your comments
It’s a sad state of affairs when the people evangelising equal rights discriminate so harshly themselves – very openly and very hypocritically. And yes, I am talking about the LGQTs there. You may have noticed I deliberately omitted Bi’s from that little acronym.
I went through a bi-curious stage (now identify as heteroflexible), and as a guy that’s effin’ difficult. Tried to tell my younger brother at the time (many years ago now) and well… that ended with a punch on. Suffice to say, that I am wary at the least of sharing details of my sexuality with anyone these days – most of my friends are completely unaware, and I prefer to keep it that way.
You tend to get labelled, and those labels stick. I prefer to remain unlabelled and just me.
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The in-fighting in the queer community makes me
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I tend to avoid the LGBT community on the whole. I’m an exceptionally straight looking/acting/sounding guy, and whilst I have worked in the LGBT scene in club nights and stuff like that when I was younger, the amount of general distrust and open heterophobia I was faced with was a joke.
The community is rife with hypocrisy and double standards.
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There’s definitely distrust around those who ‘pass’ in the straight world, which means you have to justify your appearance/sexuality in the hetero and gay worlds, which is exhausting and annoying.
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I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. If they don’t like it they can go and do things to themselves that are explicit and physically improbable.
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Rose, thank you for flying the bisexual flag (in more ways than one!) Everything you say rings true — though you did stop short of including the amusing, and alas, untrue, Woody Allen joke, ‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’
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I wish Woody Allen’s joke were true – I’m baking cupcakes on a Saturday night!
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I’m married and I spent my Saturday night baking rainbow cake. It’s a perfectly fine way to spend the night!
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Timely post for me. I wouldn’t say i was bisexual in that while i have slept with women in the past i probably wouldn’t seriously date one(but never say never). Interestingly though more recently i got involved with someone who when i met him was told he was gay. Funny enough hasn’t stopped us ahem……. I must say though i had more pause about getting into that relationship than any of the women i had been with. Having said that i felt like he was experimenting on me to see if he was straighter than he thought. Time will tell. I am still exploring how i feel about it all but i’m living and learning
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I had an ex that was so insecure about the fact that I am bisexual – he thought I was going to run off with the first woman that went past. My husband couldn’t care less. He knows about the relationships I’ve had in the past – men and women – and he knows that I chose him for who he is, not what’s between his legs.
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Love the flag. Quite clever, really! Great piece.
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Thank you Rose for a very well written article full of truth. I am a happy bisexual woman in a long term committed relationship with a man. Only some of my friends and family know of my sexuality as you do get pidgeon holed, especially in the workplace. I am now more private about myself although my partner is very understanding and allows me to express my sexuality when I need to.
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What a fantastic post! I’ve known that I am bisexual since I was a teenager. Despite being more physically attracted to women, my 3 serious relationships have been with men, and I am now married. It is just how it has worked out. It is strange once you are married because people automatically assume you are straight, and your bisexuality can very easily become invisible. However, I never hide it from anyone when appropriate and have very little time for people who insist that I have ‘chosen a side’. Ummm…it doesn’t work like that…
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You took the words right out of my mouth! This is exactly my experience. : )
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Rose! My fellow femme LGBT commenter here
ha ha. I always love your comments.
The only problem is when people think bisexual women=exclusively femme women, therefore femme lesbians= actually bisexual. Um. No. On both counts. But that’s more a femme problem, if anything.
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Thanks Nico. I always love reading your comments too! x
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I think I’m a “stem”… Maybe leaning a little more to stud. I like guys as friends because I feel more on the same level as them than women. I often feel more dominantly attracted to people, although I married a physically larger, older man, so I do get a bit submissive with him. But I’m still a bit girly in my habits…
I kinda think my genderness is adaptive to the person I’m attracted to at the time…
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Your last sentence summed it up nicely. I totally get where you’re coming from..
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