Gentlemen? I have some good news. What women want is a whole lot cheaper than flowers. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard married women mention that their husband brings them tea in the morning. These women tend to be in the main part, happy in their relationships and they’re not divorced so that’s revealing. A cup of tea is a little thing but also huge and it inspired this column from author, columnist and beauty blogger, Zoe Foster.
Anyway I digress (because I often do). Zoe has her own blog (click here to read and follow it) where this article first appeared, after making a little stop at Cosmo. I asked her if we could republish it because in essence she has actually almost solved any relationship issue by getting to the crux of what women really want. See if you agree…
By Zoe Foster
All women really want is a cup of fu*king tea.
Sorry for the profanity, but not really, because I meant it.
In a survey I performed on 1000 fictional women, 99% of them said the one thing they really wanted in their relationship was for their boyfriend or husband to offer to make them a cup of tea*. And amazingly, these men didn’t even need to make the stinkin’ tea, the offer itself was what was what was important.
At first this might not make sense. But at second it does. You see, no matter the guy, no matter how long we’ve been with him, whether that’s two weeks or two decades, and no matter the state of our relationship, we women will always, always want to feel like our man cares about us enough to offer us that most simple of gestures: a cup of tea.
Why, is manifold.
Fill up my cup.
First of all, we all know a cup of tea is the Universal Symbol of Comfort. What do you offer a girlfriend who has just been dumped (provided you are out of Tequila)? A grieving friend? And upset flatmate? A teary workmate? A sick boyfriend? A tired and frazzled mum? A cup of tea. It’s nothing more than some hot water, a mug and some tea leaves (and milk and sugar if they’re being really fancy) but it does so much for the soul to be offered a comforting, soothing drink when you feel like shit (or even when you feel terrific).
A cup of tea is made with generous, nurturing intentions and it is presented with care; it’s the liquid equivalent of a hug.
Then there’s the thoughtfulness element. This is a huge factor; almost big as my love for Haigh’s chocolate when I am pre-menstrual or breathing. It saddens me that thoughtfulness is so spectacularly underrated in relationships, when it is absolutely crucial. Sure, trust, love and a mutual interest in kites are important too, but if you have a strong foundation of authentic thoughtfulness, your relationship has an infinitely better chance of lasting. It does! It does.
Think about it: how much more affection, adoration, gratitude and love (all terribly necessary and marvelously positive in a relationship) are you likely to feel towards your guy if he leaves a little note on your pillow for you to find after spending the night at your place? Or whips up some spag bol when you’ll be getting home late from a murderous day? Or buys you Cosmo at the service station because he knows you love it? Or offers to help your mum figure out why her Internet isn’t working when you’re over there for dinner?
Any man can buy you dinner at a fancy restaurant or present you with impressive foliage on your birthday. It’s the man who hands you a muesli bar as you’re racing out the door without having eaten breakfast or who sends you a beautiful pep-up text just before you walk into a scary meeting who’s special. Thoughtfulness is worth its weight in platinum and if we all put a little more of it into our relationships, chances are we’d all be a lot happier, and probably having more sex too, if I may be so crude.
And this is why that little cup of tea is so special. It demonstrates that he’s thought about your wellbeing, that he cares for you and that he understands that with women it is always, ALWAYS, the little things that make the big difference. And when the cup of tea is not presented? Well, things can get terribly unsavoury.
Case in point: A girlfriend was fluey. After not being offered any form of compassion or concern from her live-in boyfriend for two days, she snapped and asked if he could make her a cup of tea. He silently went to the kitchen to do his task but 30 seconds later she heard, ‘Where’s the tea kept?’. At which point she decided he was a selfish a-hole and consequently instigated a separation. (Yes, she inspired this article.) It wasn’t just the tea that inspired her to end it of course, but in her mind, his failure to offer a cup of tea (let alone fresh orange juice or chicken noodle soup) was symbolic of how little he cared for and about her.
Of course, it needn’t be specifically a cup of tea. It can be anything, but the common theme is that it’s done without obligation or being requested, and it’s done with love. I have a friend, for example, whose boyfriend makes them both an excessively virtuous smoothie each morning. And another whose boyfriend makes little movies on his phone of their 6-month old daughter and emails them to her at work when she’s missing her baby ferociously. To me, these are enormously romantic gestures. And you can bet they’re appreciated. And if you’re the betting type, you can also bet that they’re reciprocated. Because thoughtfulness has a funny way of being contagious, which you will quickly discover should a batch of it find its way into your relationship.
We women are traditionally the nurturing sex, the ones who ensure everyone and everything is happy and okay. We like to care for our lovers, family and friends; it brings us a sense of joy and satisfaction. So when that role is temporarily, gorgeously thieved by our Twinings-wielding boyfriends, and we get to be the one being looked after with a warm cup of The Universal Symbol of Comfort, it feels pretty great. (Just make sure he knows how you like your tea though, because if he puts in too much milk you should obviously dump him immediately.)
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*The other 1% preferred Milo.
Do you agree with Zoe, is a cup of tea better than flowers? And do you get resentful if you are not being looked after?
Comments
257 Comments so far
Chloe, how did you come to be so wise at such a young age? I have been married for 30 years now, very, very happily and there is no doubt those thoughtful cups of tea, made by both of us at different times certainly are a part of the success of our marriage.
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Absolutely spot on Zoe!!! If only all men realised that foreplay begins in the kitchen. It’s a quite straightforward matter of cause and effect!! How lucky am I that I have a gorgeous man who does lovely, sweet and simple gestures all the time, that show me he loves me. It’s what sets him apart from most men who don’t get that just about always it’s as simple as a cup of f***cking tea, offered spontaneously and unsolicited!
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I do agree with the idea of the article, but I really hope that anyone with this expectation is as considerate of their partner as they expect their partner to be of them.
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I love this post. I hate tea and coffee, but my BF is so thoughtful in many other ways. Mind, he doesn’t live with me, and I plan to remedy this VERY soon!! Here are some things he does:
1. Pick me up in the morning and drive me to work, then pick me up after work
2. Water my plants while I cook dinner
3. If I’m not ready to leave when he arrives, he cleans up the kitchen, and gets out my lunch for the day
4. He washes up, dries, and puts away all the dishes
5. He organizes tradesmen and then stays here to meet them so I can go to work – he works too mind you
6. He makes my bed better than I do it myself
7. When I’m sick he runs to the pharmacy with a list I write
8. He brings in the mail
9. He leaves me love notes and surprises
10. He tells me how awesome I am, and how much he loves me all the time
I could go on. The only downside to this guy is if I married him and took his name, I’d be Cassie Massey….
7.
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Does he have a brother?
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My (then) boyfriend of a year did nothing for me for my birthday, naming stress and blaming me for asking him to ‘move mountains’ needless to say he only lasted three months. Thoughtfulness is KEY!
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There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea. ~ somebody wise said that
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And how odd that a hot drink is so refreshing even on the warmest day!
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Let me get this straight – I’m supposed to wake my stay-at-home mum wife up at 4.30 six mornings a week to make her tea before I go out and work for 10 hours to pay the bills so that she doesn’t have to have a part-time job to pay for the house she liked, the car she wanted etc?
Wow! Where do I sign?
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Rick, you need to read it again, properly.
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Totally!! As well as making the pot of tea and getting the paper every saturday, but beautiful fiance makes a point of filling my glass of water before bed every night. The smallest touches are the most romantic!
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Touché. I know that I always long for the spontaneous, genuinely thoughtful, gesture.
Though, if I am to ever receive it I will have to abandon the mental telepathy (apparently that doesn’t work, who knew?), decide on the exact ‘spontaneous’ gesture I require and clearly explain how it is to be executed and when (which MUST coincide with the break for drinks in the cricket).
Ah, bugger it. I’ll get me own cuppa…..
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Yes! My husband makes the best cup of teas and it is our little thing. Ok flowers would be nice sometimes as well but nearly every morning he brings me in my cup of tea and all the other things he does to annoy me get wiped off! At least until the end of the day
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I wish with all my heart I had written this article. It’s sheer brilliance.
Everything really /is\ solved with a cup of tea.
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I never love my husband so much as when I get home from work to find the kids in the bath, washing off the line, and him cooking dinner. It’s so so soooooo demonstrative of his love fore and commitment to our family.
What a man!
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My husband makes me coffee in bed every morning. We often say that we’d get so much more done and be more organised if we just got up that half an hour earlier, but we love the routin and to share the load, I make the coffee on weekends. I never take it for granted when he opens the curtains and passes me a pillow to prop myself up and drink my coffee and I hope I never do! We try to be as equal as possible but it’s fair to say that we girls all love to be looked after and although he’s not the most romantic fellow in the world, when I read articles like this I can’t help but feel a bit lucky that while I don’t get flowers every week, he shows me love through lots of sweet “acts of service”. not to be underestimated!
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my father has brought me and my mother a cup of tea in bed every morning of my life and when my prospective husband asks his permission to marry me he says he will tell him that he must do the same thing. He also taught both of my brothers to do the same with their wives.
In his words ‘I will never fully understand the time and effort your mother puts in to making my life as amazing as it is. But i can show her i’m thankful a little bit every day’
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That is beautiful. Made me a little teary!
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That is so lovely!
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Trying to explain the importance of a cup of tea to your man is useless. You’d be better off letting off steam via the kettle.
The way to getting your cup of tea offered to you, is to ask for it. At first.
Case in point:
One evening I was sick, too sick to walk to the kitchen, flick the kettle on, grab the cup and the tea bag and stand there long enough to put it all together. That meant my lovely boyfriend had to do it for me.
For the first time in four years.
Instead of relenting to his endless questions and making the tea myself, I answered them.
HIM: Where’s the tea?
ME: On the second shelf in the pantry.
HIM: You’ve got too many teas in here, I don’t know which one you want.
ME: Anyone one of them is fine, I like them all.
HIM: Ok.
I have my tea black and sugarless, pretty much all the time, I usually have a craving for a particular tea but that night I put high main-tea-nance aside. And it worked. That evening something clicked inside my boyfriend’s alpha-male-mind. And that was just how simple making a cup of tea was.
After my making a genuine fuss about what a wonderful boyfriend he was, he realise how little effort he needed to put in to put such a big smile on my face.
After a few more evenings asking for my cups of tea, he now offers, if not to make my tea he’ll boil the kettle, put the cup and tea bag out, or pour the water in once it’s boiled.
Whatever input he has in making my cup of tea, I’ve earned it. Now he cooks dinner, goes grocery shopping, cleans the house and washes my car because he knows that’s how he needs to show me that he cares.
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He washes your car? Unless you pay all the bills, you don’t have a boyfriend – you’ve got a second vagina.
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This is very educational. Until now I had not realised romantic relationships were a straight labour/finance balance. I’d thought they were dynamic human engagements based on mutual respect, trust and love. Thank goodness I’ve now got this cleared up. My husband and I can now sit down and work out exactly who earns more and who is doing more around the house and re-calibrate appropriately. If the kids happen to need me, but I’ve already paid for my time, I’ll just tell them mummy earnt more this week.
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Tea is the greatest. My parents have the greatest marriage I have ever seen and their lives revolve around the tea schedule. Dad makes the pot of tea in the morning and Mum gets three cups of tea, at least one of them before getting up (not lazy). When one of them is on their way home, the kettle is timed for their arrival.
Unfortunately I cannot share such rituals with my husband, because he hates tea, and coffee is no real equivalent. I drink the whole pot by myself, anyway, and he often offers to make it for me.
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So true. When i was a teenager my dad made my sister, me and my mum a cup of tea every morning and brought it to us in bed before he left for work. I’ve been asking my husband to do the same for ten years now. I don’t get one every morning but I usually get one on Sunday, in bed, with the papers which I think is pretty OK.
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If my boyfriend made me a cup of tea I would lose my shit. I can not stand the stuff! Everyone around me knows how i detest it and if my boyfriend hadn’t realised it I would seriously have to reconsider our relationship.
However, I appreciate the point of the article isn’t really about tea. My boyfriend will drive all the way across town just to buy coffee from the one place I like and bring it to me at work for no reason at all. Good day, bad day, it doesn’t matter. He just does it because he knows it will make me happy and I love it. I love even more that it doesn’t happen regularly enough for me to expect it, but often enough for me to hope.
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My late grandmother firmly believed a cup of tea could solve any problem. When I delivered the eulogy at her funeral, it was all about the comforting powers of a cup of tea. I think she was right. My husband makes mine every morning, and if he can’t, one of my daughters will. There is a strict protocol to be followed. Crucial that the cup is fine lipped and is first warmed. Not quite as simple as Zoe might suggest…
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Smiling – I too need a warmed, fine lipped cup – but also must be white definitely on the inside but preferably on the outside too. When my husband makes it he often gets the choice of cup wrong!
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all my problems are solved whenI am made a cup of tea. I see it as a token of love if hubby brings me a cup of tea in bed in the morning, I am very easy to please! I cannot function in the morning without 2 cups!
I need a minimum of 6 cups a day but usually have 8, I live on the stuff and every time we hear of another study saying it makes you live longer hubby laughs and says I am going to live forever….
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Sooo true!! Love is the little things. My dad makes my mum a cup o’ char every morning. He even used to make me one too, apparently from the age of 3. And a strong mean cuppa he makes! Used to have a half sugar, tiny bit of milk – perfect! My husband was a late riser so I would get a weak milky tea at around 10am – if I waited. My last boyfriend was a ‘cigarette and black tea on the back steps alone’ kind of guy. We may not read the tea leaves anymore ladies but we can still read the tea!
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You can never feel worse than before after a cup of tea.
(unless you spill it)
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I agree, it’s the small things like a cup of tea that my husband makes that really makes me feel good, especially at the end of the day when the kids are in bed. I like making it for him too, as I know he appreciates it too. Things like changing our baby’s nappy before I get out of bed (which rarely happens since he leaves so early) also really make my day! It really is the simplest things that make the difference.
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Before the kids I used to have to ask and the best I would get would be “well I boiled the kettle”, but now we have two boys under two he makes me a cup of tea every night now we have two boys under two. I love it and hope he never stops. If only he was satisfied with a cup of tea that’d be simpler than the r-rated stuff that makes him happy!
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Forgot to add to my previous comment – my boyfriend took my love of tea to a whole new level and bought me a green tea plant so I have a constant supply of my own green tea leaves! So thoughtful. He is a keeper.
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I loved this article when I first read it in Cosmo, and I’ve always been a fan of Zoe. She’s gorgeous.
Totally agree with her article. I think it’s all about the little things in a relationship. Big gestures are nice occasionally, but on a day-to-day basis, there really is nothing better than a cup of f*cking tea.
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Living on my own I can honestly say that having someone to make me a cuppa is the thing I miss more than anythinggggg!!!! It’s not just the ‘making of’ the tea, it’s the fact that someone has thought about you…
What a fantastic article!
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Gosh this girl can write!
True true true.
Just FWD’d to by boyfriend and now I’m going to think of something thoughtful I can do for him too
Thanks Mia & Zoe
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I am constantly forwarding articles from this website to my husband, but this one is brilliant
i hope he takes the hint
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OMG YES YES YES!!!!
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Hehe I bagged a good one
1- offers tea (tick)
2- makes dinner if I’m late/exhausted and helps most other times (tick)
3- helps mum with computer/internet/garden stuff (tick)
4- buys emergency chocolate or mangos without me even asking (tick)
Even bought me cleo when he saw that it came with a free t-shirt which he knew I’d like!
Don’t get me wrong, its not perfect, but Zoe is spot on, the fact that he cares and is thoughtful is what matters.
But it goes both ways
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Does he have a brother, cousin, distant relative who is unattached? Was he born with a rare chromosome? How did you find this wonder? Seriously!!
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My dad makes my mum a cup of tea every morning before he goes to work so she can drink it in bed before getting up – still going strong 35 years later!
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My husband has been making me a pot of coffee, every single morning for 8 years – whilst I’m in the shower.
Every single morning when I get out of the shower there is hot coffee and unwrapped newspapers on the table for me.
I can’t remember the last time he bought me flowers – over 5 years.
Thanks for the reminder that he is a gem.
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LOL!!! I can’t even count the number of times I woke up in the morning complaining about that: “Why am I the only one who ever gets up to make the bloody coffee in this house?” Doesn’t help that my hubby works night shifts! But even on holidays, it is something that requires something close to superpowers for him! He is a great cook though and always makes me the most beautiful meals so I guess making coffee is my job.
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I don’t drink tea or coffee but my darling husband makes me perfect steaming hot chocolate whenever I would like one. He rocks.
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Totally off point but…. Always hear hamish talking about his gf Zoe, didn’t realise it was our Zoe!!! On point, have just found myself a lovely guy, who shares my love of green tea, and making me one. Never realized I could b so impressed by a small gesture till now! He must b a keeper!
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OH heck yes. Hubby knows that if I’ve had a shocking day and he walks in the door and sees my face, the next thing he has to do (and ALL he has to do) is just put that kettle on and ask me ‘red or spicy?’
(Red=my rooibos; spicy=my cheapie apple/cinnamon concoction).
Do that, and he’s a hero.
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Second to being made a cup of tea – having my boyfriend buy me tea leaves he picked out himself!
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Isn’t it funny how universal this is…and I thought it was just me for whom that cup of tea meant so much. I am amazed. A collation of these stories would make a great coffee table book
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Much like Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables.
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Bahahahaha! Kramer’s awesome.
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Favourite episode!!!!
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just fwded this to my hubby with the msg – thanks for my nightly cuppa! every evening after we put the 2 kids to bed at 7.30 he makes a pot of tea (loose leaf only thank you very much!) and we sit down to watch a show and eat a few bits of choc and go Ahhhh! Bless him. he kinda gave up on making me tea in the morning bc i would always mumble thanks then roll over and go back to sleep and it just went stone cold!!! but on weekends i do often get breakfast in bed while he takes care of the kids so i can sleep in – bless him! he is a good man for sure.
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What could possibly be more romantic than your significant other bringing you a steaming cuppa after a long tiring day. And is it even possible to be romantic without being thoughtful??
http://maryawrites.wordpress.com/
permanent signature.
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So agree with this article….this morning my hubby got up with our baby at 6am, gave her breakfast and got my breakfast ready (including much needed coffee). I made my way out of bed at around 8am in time for a smooch goodbye.
Sod a bunch of flowers… that is romance!
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One of my best friends recently died after a long illness, yesterday would have been her 26th birthday.
I have been thinking about her a lot recently. She drank a LOT of tea. I never did (used to be a coffee girl) until after she was diagnosed and had to have a number of operations. I used to spend long lazy days with her after her op, just hanging out and… making us both endless cups of tea (she couldn’t do it herself because of the surgery, although she still did try the sneaky miss). Ever since I often think of her when I drink my tea.
A couple of months before she died I bought myself a beautiful set of teacups – I never tend to spend money on that kind of thing. Now when I use them (they are really beautiful) I think of her and the great moments we shared during those all days when we would just hang out: chatting, reading magazines and drinking tea.
I miss you darling girl.
xx
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So sorry to hear about your friend Me. I hope your beautiful tea cups give you lots of pleasure for a long time. I have a couple of things of my mum’s (died 17 years ago), and there is a huge comfort involved with using them.
You sound like an amazing friend to have, she was lucky.
Big hugs to you,
x x E
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My husband left for work this morning (without waking me
). And I don’t know about fucking tea, but he left me half a pot of fucking coffee, and that was pretty fucking good too.
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I can’t believe how spot on Zoe is with this article, considering I don’t even care for tea that much! Whenever I’m feeling unappreciated by my husband, children and the world in general, the only way I ever manage to explain it to my husband during my fit of rage is that he isn’t “romantic” enough. I now realise the word I should have been using is “thoughtful”! My hubby is going to be reading this as soon as he walks in the door this afternoon – thanks Zoe!!!
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My husband brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning. When I was a kid my dad would always bring mum a cuppa in bed and we would somehow all snuggle up in bed around the tray with the teapot balanced on it. Now my husband brings me a cup of tea, and our boys try to be careful not to spill it, and yes, it feels good.
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I get the same treatment too!!
Nothing like a hot cup of tea and the TODAY show to get you ready for the day!
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Yes Zoe, you are spot on. Married for 30 years and mum to four almost grown-up kids, tea and thoughtfulness have made our family a good place to be.
In 2007 I wrote the attached article which was published in The Age that year. A longer version was also published in my second book ‘The Whole Shebang’.
Cup of tea
Our eldest has just moved out of home, and what I miss most about her – aside from her meticulous domestic skills and willingness to help – are the cups of tea we shared. When she arrived home recently in the wee hours, the first thing we did next morning was reconnect deliciously, sitting propped up in bed, over a shared pot of tea.
I’m a serious tea drinker. I only have three or four cups a day, but when I have one, I do it properly. Tea must be made with leaves, never bags. The teapot must be thoroughly warmed with boiling water, as must the mugs, no matter if it’s a 38 degree day outside. The tea needs to sit in the pot for a good four minutes, with a bit of a stir before it’s poured. After all this has been accomplished, my standard line is ‘Like a cup of tea?’ and the required reply is, ‘Love one!’
It’s easier to talk with a mug in your hands. Always. Not even death seems as dire when you can make a cuppa. When I was a trainee nurse in a big Melbourne hospital in the 80s, standard treatment for families of people who had just died was a cup of tea. And it seemed to help both the grieving and those trying to care for them.
My love affair with tea started early. Maybe it was growing up in India, where billions of cups of hot sweet chai are drunk daily. Maybe it was going to boarding school from the age of seven in the middle of tea plantations. High on the slopes of the Nilgiri Mountains in South India, miserably homesick, I was surrounded by slopes covered with tea bushes. Clusters of women with a huge cloth bag slung from their forehead and hanging down their backs would pick only the newest, most delicately pale green leaves, fingers flying as they selected, plucked, threw into the bag in a veritable ballet of smooth movement. Their voices carried through the thin air. The place smelt of tea, there were tea gardens and tea factories everywhere one walked on those steep, remote hills.
When I’m in India, I drink chai constantly. And at about 10 cents a cup, it’s affordable for even the most impecunious western traveller. Fresh out of the pot, with milk, water, sugar, spices all boiled up together, it’s also guaranteed free of bugs. What’s more, it brings with it an instant passport to friendly social intercourse. No chai seller worth their salt will give you a cup without having a chat, asking ‘where are you coming from?’ and introducing you to his regular customers.
My husband shares my passion for tea. Every day we make a pot first thing. Once we’ve had our big morning mugs there’s not much we can’t face. And when we get home at the end of a working day, before we roll up our sleeves for the cook tea, feed the dog, get the washing in, check the homework routine, we usually manage to get a pot brewing.
With the departure of our daughter, there is one less tea drinker in the house. But all is not lost. Our older son has recently returned from a stint overseas, and one of the habits he acquired in the months he spent on a remote island off the west coast of Scotland was tea drinking. A university student now, he has a lot of time at home. And already, to my delight, he has learnt the lines.
‘Like a cup of tea?’
‘Love one.’
If you’ve made it this far, you might be interested in checking out my fledgling blog: clareboyd-macrae.com
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I love your writing, and your recollection of drinking tea in India. I went to school in the Nilgiris, in Kodaikanal. Were you in Ooty? (I’m trying to recall where they grew tea). I love a cup of tea in India too..
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I loved reading this!
I gave this to my boyfriend last night to read, as he doesn’t understand subtle hints…
He didn’t say much, but he did perform ‘sickly sweet’ all last night…
He didn’t just make me a tea.. but I had to hear commentary of all the things he was doing.
Nic.. just making dinner… I’m giving you the nicer bit of the pasta
Nic… just washing up.. I will dry up after too…
Nic.. just making you a cup of tea, even though I’m behind in my paperwork.
I was kind of wishing for it to end soon…. But this morning…
Nicole… just making you a cup of coffee… where would you like it…
Hopefully he is over it by tonight.
Poor thing can’t win…..
The inner spoiled little girl wants him to do things without me asking.
Ie- putting away the ironing that’s been hanging over the chair for 2 days…
Grrr…
Wishing you a good Friday to all xxxx
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That sounds like he’s making a point of it by giving commentary… bit childish in my opinion
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Nah, I disagree. I think he just sounds like a boy trying to let his girl know that he’s paying attention. They’re not very subtle sometimes – and they don’t seem to understand that girls don’t need to have things spelled out
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I’m going to generalise and say, in my experience, men seem to need A LOT of recognition.
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Thankfully the commentary has stopped.. the kisses and cups of cuddles hasnt
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I asked my husband to make me a cup of tea this morning. He had been up an hour and a half and I had just got up. I make tea twice every day. When I insisted, he just blew up and told me he never wants to have a cup of tea made by me again. Then he has not talked to me all day. Lucky wives whose husbands will do a little gesture every once in a while!
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