Jo Abi and one of her gorgeous little ones.
by JO ABI
I feel really guilty.
There are seven children in my family between my sisters and I, and we have been passing gastric around for the past three months. We’ve all had a turn, some of the kids have been sick twice. It’s never-ending and we have been making sure to be stocked up with ice-blocks and baby wipes in readiness for the next patient.
As of 8 o’clock this morning the only person in our family who hadn’t been struck down with gastric at least once was my three-year-old girl Caterina. I was quite proud of her. She’s obviously healthy and robust…a real trooper.
That is until this morning…
She was unsettled and wanted me to pick her up. I was feeling frustrated because I was starving and trying to make coffee and grab some breakfast. I had her on my hip and I was trying to carefully pour boiling water into my coffee cup when the first gush of vomit forced itself up her small, delicate, digestive tract. It went all over my hair and down my top, dripping over my bra and onto my stomach.
I’m ashamed to say that I instantly turned her away from me, holding her from behind and the next gush went into the fruit bowl all over the apples and down the side of the kitchen bench. Mummy-fail!
By this stage we were both covered so I put her on the floor and that’s where the rest ended up.
I stood there for few minutes. I honestly didn’t know what to clean first. She was crying and shaking and I felt like I was about to vomit myself.
So, first things first…
I stripped off all my clothes and did the same to her. I ran nude to the bathroom and got a towel. I put the towel on the floor on top of the vomit and put all our clothes on top of it. I grabbed a packet of baby wipes and I held her hand as I used endless baby wipes to clean the bench and the floor, placing all the dirty wipes on top of the towel.
I picked up the fruit bowl, still full of fruit and vomit, and dropped it directly into the bin. Then I scooped up the towel and all the refuse and threw it in the laundry sink.
Very quickly (because she was howling by now) I put the wipes in the bin, the clothes in the washing machine and the towel in the bin! Then I picked her up and into the shower we went.
Once we were clean and dressed she fell into an exhausted sleep and I sat down – shaking slightly myself by now – and finally made myself a cup of coffee and a piece of toast.
Yes I could still smell vomit but I knew I was in for an epic twenty-four hours of sick child and I would need my strength.
You aren’t a real parent until you’ve had vomit in your hair or poo on your face (or on your hand). We look pretty cute at the shops when we are all clean and healthy and enjoying babycinos, but in the ‘boiler room’ as I now refer to my home, it’s a different story.
I repeat, you’re not a real parent until you’ve had poo on your face or vomit in your hair (or down your top, or all over your legs…).
Jo Abi is the author of the book How to Date a Dad: a dating guide released by Hachette Livre Australia. You can read more about her many and various exploits here.
What was the moment you realised you were a ‘real’ parent?
Comments
68 Comments so far
Have only had gatro child once, but also pretty bad, looking at 1 year old with hand down nappy painting the wall brown! Lucky poo doesn’t freak me out, but my wife on the other hand!!
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I cant remember how old my baby girl was when I became a “real parent”, she was pretty young and I was holding her up close to my face and talking to her when she vomited and it went on my face and in my mouth. Yes. In. My. Mouth. The other time may have been when we both had a bug and my husband was interstate for work (with the same bug that we both were having!) and we were both vomiting at same time in the middle of the night. I felt alone, sick and exhausted but we both made it.
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apparently I am not a real parent…I was blessed with a non-spewer, nor did I get pop on my hands…but do I become a real parent if I have a teenager who hates talking to me unless he wants something and he thinks his friends are nuts cos they think I am ‘cool’?????
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Oh god, this gave me the belly laugh I needed after a really shitty few weeks. Thanks MM! Perhaps I’ll hang on to childless life a little longer…!
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I was fast asleep one night with a sick toddler lying next to me. I woke with a fright as he power spewed straight into my face.
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As a parent too – I so know that feeling of what or where to start after “the event”. Hubby never any help as he’s almost about to vomit just at the thought/smell/site of anyone else’s bodily fluids. LOL
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Several things:
* Blueberry fiends create blueberry poo, liquid and blue
* husband catching projectile vomit, baseball mitt style.
* husband missing rasberry yoghurt projectile vomit – wall, bed, carpet, toys etc. i haven’t eaten rasberry yoghurt since
* reflux vomit – formula, grated apple and farax – caught in my bra, hair and MY MOUTH!!! eeeuuuuwww!!
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My brother and I were both spewers when we were kids – but the funniest thing was that as soon as one of us would start to heave, the first thing Mum would do was cup her hands and thrust them in front of us to catch the spew. Then she’d realise she had a handful of spew and scream at my Dad to get a towel. I asked her why she did it and she told me it was just a reflex. Dad reckons it was because she didn’t want to get it on the carpet!
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Earlier this year my two year old son had gastro, I also had morning sickness……nuff said.
I’ve also been on the receiving end of the vomit down the front, that lovely warm milky newborn vomit in my bra!
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Oh I was nodding my head reading this! Only just recently my 14 month old son had mild gastro. While holding him over my shoulder he threw up down my back. I moved him off my shoulder and he threw up down my front (nothing like the sensation of vomit down the bra). He also got the floor, but it was the carpet. I did exactly as you did, stripped us both off, used clothes to soak up vomit. He had last had milk and a banana – the smell was brutal!
You take what you have to take and do what you have to do as a parent because you love them. It also can become a funny story later on
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I remember talking on the phone to a client while my sick little girl was clinging to my leg , I heard a gurgle and watched as runny poo came out of her nappy , ran down my leg and into my shoe !
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We’ve had lots of episodes over the years, but the funniest one was one time when my son ran to the toilet to vomit, opened the door and threw up straight on my husband’s lap as he sat there.
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Oh poo & vomit. My 30th birthday my 2 year old son standing in front of the tv as the green poo( from the blue food colouring of a Cookie monster cake) coming over the back of his nappy like a fountain.
Or the time he was nude & squatted down to do one on the floor (1.5years ish)
Vomiting in my own mouth whilst changing number one’s nappy whilst preggers with number two, being unable to hold it in & vomiting in the nappy bag…….
Aqua poo’s both my boys have had a go at that. Number two scooped his out if the bath & threw it on the floor.
Yes this is parenting!!!
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The moment I realised I was a real parent was when I sat up all nite at my daughter’s bedside in hospital and held her hand while she had an iv drip inserted. Broke my heart seeing her so distressed and sick.
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My daughter was about 3 and having a nap on her bed while I hung washing outside when her bout of gastro hit.
I heard a strange little sound, so I went inside to find she had pooed all over her bed, then climbed off and walked down the (carpeted) hallway to find me.
I stood stock-still in shock as I stared at my precious little girl, with a river of brown running down her legs and a track of brown footprints behind her. She turned her huge blue eyes up and me and whimpered, ” I spilled poo Mummy”.
My heart went out to her and I laughed (somewhat manically) as I popped her in the bath to hose her off and she realised she wasn’t in trouble and dried her tears.
I plan on telling this story at her wedding. =D
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The moment I realised I was a real parent was when I sat up alkaline nite at my daughter’s bedside in hospital and held her hand while she had an iv drip inser.ted. Broke my heart seeing her so distressed and sick
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I always make sure my baby girl (ok she is now 6 but she will always be ny baby. lol) is settled cleaned up and soothed before I even attempt to clean up any vomit or other bodily fluids. As her mum I want her to know that she is my priority always and I know that cleaning will always be there later but the times when my daughter needs me to just hold her and make it all better won’t always be there because one day she will be independent and won’t need me !
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When my son was 3 weeks old, he pooed maybe ten, fifteen times a day. The midwives told us that was normal, and we were too sleep deprived at the time to know better. One night my partner was changing a middle of the night nappy and I heard him yell out to me. He had stood to the side while changing the nappy and the baby had pooed ALL over his bedroom- walls, floor, furniture, bedding, teddies and everything else in a three metre radius. All you can do about that at the time is laugh…
After that episode he was diagnosed as lactose intolerant and put on special formula, which he then proceeded to power vomit an hour or so after EVERY feed (so 10-12 times a day). Luckily, he hasn’t been sick since he was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy, but man, I don’t think anything could ever be that bad again! (Fingers crossed!)
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My husband is a sympathetic vomiter was holding a bowl for our then 2 year old daughter as she was chucking then he pushed her out of the way to use the bowl himself. I couldn’t help as I was laughing so hard.
Then earlier this year miss 9 year old came into the bedroom in the wee hours and said “Mum I just spewed everywhere”. My first thought was gee I didn’t know she knew the word spew.
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oh dear, I can smell it now. Both my kids had reflux so I’m no stranger to vomit. Miss C was the worst – she was like the exorcist child. She had a good distance on her too (I measured it once, 1.5 metres out the sides of her cot). I had too many down the bras to count, but once she did a puke turned away from me, but I couldn’t find where it went. A bit later on I reached into my cardigan pocket to get a tissue and found where it went. Couldn’t believe her accuracy. And location made no difference to her. We used to go for a walk in the evenings with her in the baby bjorn (carried by husband). Once we turned her around she used to just randomly spray vomit wherever we went. Unfortunately she can still randomly vomit for no particular reason (she has a sensitive gag reflex) so I never know if it is gastro or just her reflux still playing up. I will say, the bigger they get, the more disgusting it is.
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Oi vey. Reflux. That 5 seconds when you know whats coming but can do nothing to stop it. Hair, clothes, skin dripping in vomit. Oh, and don’t forget to keep your mouth and eyes closed when you realise its coming. Gross.
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My then nine month old son became ill on an interstate road trip with my husband. We were on a road in the middle of nowhere when from his car seat in the middle of the back seat he projectile vomited.
No word of a lie, the vomit hit the aircon vents, radio, gear stick and everything else in the front of the car.
Needless to say, we spent the next 24 hours holed up in a small town hotel going through every set of clothes I had with us but the worst about it was the vomit smell in the car.
The worst of it all was that he was sick. Poor little thing.
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Ah, the gastro merry-go-round. My sister, her children, my children and I have been on that one for about 3 months now, too. I was thinking just yesterday morning that we seemed to have seen the end of it… Then it hit me again yesterday afternoon. We’ve been keeping things interesting with horribly infected tonsils causing even more vomiting in between ‘our turn’ at gastro.
As for poo: my now 14 month old son will forever be paying for the memorable moment when, at 3 weeks old, I sat him up to burp him after a particularly long feed, while sitting on the bed, putting my hand on his very low back/bottom as I adjusted my other hand under his chin. The lower hand suddenly felt odd; I tipped my hand outward, inadvertently forming a cup to catch the lovely ‘poo-nami’ as it came up over the waistband of his nappy! My husband came running at my shriek… Only to double over laughing at the sight of my handful of poo. My son wore bodysuits for months after! Still, I caught all the poo: not one drop made it on to my freshly-washed sheets!
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When my cousin was a baby, I was about 9, we were at their place and she was in one of those bouncers. Anywho, being the baby hogger I am, I was sitting in front of her, playing and bouncing her gently until I copped a mouthful of spew! Luckily she wasn’t on solids yet, so it was just that milky crap, but it was gross and to this day I have not lived it down. That baby is now 12.
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My daughter (aged 18 now) is a “I didn’t realise I was going to spew until it happened” type…
I truly believe one of my crowning acheivements as a parent was teaching my son (aged 16 now) to hold it in, run to the bathroom and spew in the bath
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I’ve been lucky so far with my 3yo. Other than the usual baby spit up I’ve managed to avoid anything much worse other than a few smearings of poo on my hands, arms or bare legs.
But the few times he has vomited – always because someone else gave him a piece of not quite ripe fruit that caused him to cough violently – I’ve felt worse than watching him go through any procedure, have needles, etc.
Silent tears stream down his face, big eyes stare at me like I just told him Santa’s not real and there’s no more peanut butter in the world. Normally he just stands there quietly until I leap into action, inflicting more guilt on me than a lifetime of Catholic school didn’t come close to accomplishing.
But one time after he got sick off a piece of pear my ex MIL gave to him without my knowing he said “Why Mummy? Me good boy.” I assume the appropriate response would be something like “Of course you’re a good boy, darling. You just got a bit sick. Let’s get you cleaned up so we can go play with the unicorns outside.” Or something like that I suppose.
Not-so-expert parent beans, however, threw my MIL under the bus so quickly she didn’t even know she was standing at a stop. “It wasn’t me buddy I promise! Nana gave it to you remember? Mummy would never do that.” As I scooped him into the bathroom to get cleaned up – facing outward of course to avoid the vom- he did the whole stare over his shoulder at his Nana gifting her with his disappointed stare instead of me.
Not sure she’s ever truly forgiven me for that one.
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A couple of years ago one of my boys did a massive projectile spew all over me as I was holding him. We got into the shower fully dressed and eventually got ourselves sorted out. I complained to my husband at least an hour later that I could still smell vomit and maybe I should wash my hair again. Closer inspection revealled a small, solid, chunk of spew inside my nostril. So disgusting!
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I was bathing my toddler son when he puts his fingers in my mouth and they tasted of his urine. Must of peed in the bath on his hands.
Could not get rid of the taste for hours
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I thought this was going to be about doing all the cleaning before soothing the child – which I can’t help stop myself from doing in the moment then feel bad about it later (note to self: please remember to help child first, clean later!).
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When I was about 14 I had the lovely experience of my 9 year old brother vomiting all over my bed (while I was in it) and carpet. New carpet. New cream carpet. After eating a box of red jelly crystals. Not impressed. Especially since my room was next to the toilet – I will never let him live it down!
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My son did this when he was little, after eating the contents of a small basket of easter eggs his nanna gave him, all in one go. At bedtime, he vomited it all up on his brand new cream carpet. Gross. Mind you he learnt his lesson and never ate that many easter eggs in one go, again.
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I had two babies who weren’t just spewy, they were full on projectile, multiple clothes changes a day kind of babies reminiscent of the Exorcist until around 6 months old. I am so pleased the days of scooping vom out of my bra are over!
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I remember it being the middle of the night, me and my two week old beautiful little girl. I’d just breast fed her and she was giving me that ‘Oh I’m drunk, I’ve just had a big feed’ look and we were face to face. I thought ‘Oh you’re so delightful my precious child, is that a smile I see?’….but it wasn’t a smile, it was a brand new facial expression – then she threw up, all over my face – it was in my hair, my eyes, my mouth. At least it was ‘fresh’, not that milk that’s been sitting in a nice warm belly for an hour or so.
She’s seven now and i still like to remind her of it.
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I remember the first time my eldest child vomited dried apricot vomit on me, into my hair, down my shirt, into my bra… Had someone told me that would happen I would have expected me to sympathy vomit or drop her… But no, I just popped her onto the other shoulder and patted her….. Now I know the answer is lots and lots of towels…
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I was holding my 6 month old up in the air, we were both laughing, mouths open. Out of hers came a river of spew, directly into mine. The splashback went in my eyes, hair and ear. It was unpleasant to say the least but also I couldn’t stop laughing, such a movie moment!
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wit 4 kids, I have experienced my fair share of projectile vomits and runny poos. The funniest incident would of been when my oldest son was about 18 months old, I went in to get him out of his cot and found him with his nappy off, rolling his little tractor through the fresh mound of poo he had just deposited.
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Gastric? What’s that?
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gastroenteritis . extremely contagious, that’s why it gets passed around so easily
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Gastro
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It’s actually called gastroenteritis or “gastro”. The not-so-humble tummy bug. Calling it “gastric” is actually a misnomer, as it means ‘relating to the stomach’. I have dictionary OCD.
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My Son. for some reason ALWAYS vomits on me! it ALWAYS goes down my top and inside my bra! My husband has never been vomitted on and he has been in the same room anout 90% of the time of vomit! because he doesnt get vomitted on, he gets clean up duty! I think thats fair! I need to shower and clean my little man off and give him cuddles to make him feel better! As soon as my son has a temperature i am on vomit patrol! he is always a sure thing for a good spew when temeratures are lingering! ahh fun times! My 5 month old had reflux, and I am looking forward to many more spews n poos(not)
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My 12 year old son;s cricket team played on the far north coast for a week.
We couldnt take time off work so another family offered to take him.
Car trip up from Sydney to the north coast went without a hitch.
But on the way back after a lunch stop at Coffs Harbour, he suddenly vomited,with no bag or container….
He got dropped off with a bag full of vomit stained clothes.
We were mortified and offered to pay to have the car professionally cleaned.
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There’s an unspoken rule amongst my nieces and nephews. They are born with a sensor……I am apparently NOT their real aunty until I have been subject to an expulsion of some variety. Then and only then, am I ordained, “Aunty.” …recently my sister had a new baby. I now await this induction into the hall of “Aunty” with great anticipation and a fresh set of clothes.
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Snot, don’t forget snot.
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Yep – the in-your-face sneezing. Lying in bed after a sleepless night with a sick whimpering baby who insists on having their little face right next to yours, then a massive sneeze – in your face. Lying there thinking “I’m so going to get sick fom this”
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If it helps keeping a bottle of white vinegar and wipes in the car helps clean up vomit and gets rid of the smell. I learnt this the hard away after my 4 year old vomited 1 hour into a 10 hour trip. Yep that was a great trip
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‘The boiler room’ – love it!
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I’ve been vomited on and had poo on my arms, the double whammy. How many children do I have? Well, that depends on the day of the week… You see, I am not a parent; I am an early childhood educator. So all the while I am trying to teach your children the basic, fundamental skills that will prepare them for school; I am also contending with their bodily functions, their tantrums and their basic needs
I have so much respect for parents and I believe that respect is reciprocated. Please support the Bigger Steps campaign to tell the government that early childhood workers in Australia should earn the professional wages we deserve!
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Not sure why there is no like button anymore but if it was there, I would like this. You guys are fantastic and have taught me so much about children and you put up with a lot! Support whenever and however we can!!
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Me too , that is why I bring extra clothes with me.
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I’m not an ECEC but I’ll be entrusting my gorgeous son to them soon. And while I’ll surely be nervous in the beginning at least I know that he’ll be taken care of by people who love this job so much they’re still willing to do it despite only earning a horribly low wage.
Hopefully Mamamia won’t mind my posting the link to the online petiton for Big Steps. It’s time that everyone who educates and cares for our children is paid commensurate to the amount of responsibility they hold for our greatest assets.
http://bigsteps.org.au/take-action
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After 4 children I now use the rule, dont bother changing clothes after the first chuck, wait at least half an hour til after the 2nd and 3rd chuck.
Daughter number 1 threw up on a weeks worth of groceries just after they had all been bagged and sitting in the trolley,
Daughter number 1 also threw up just after we’d left Brisbane for Cairns. No sick bags in hers, mine or hubby’s seat, hubby ended up shoving his (luckily empty) coffee cup in her hands to collect the worst.
On the few occasions we’ve flown since, we ALWAYS check for sick bags!
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Thanks for the advice Lollielu! We haven’t had gastro here yet but I definitely would’ve been changing his clothes after each spew. And I would completely forget about sick bags for sure. Now I’ll be ready
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I walked into my lounge once to find miss three crying by the glass sliding door, running down this door was buckets of vomit, she turned and I quickly realized she had been covered as it hit the door it had bounced back! I grabbed her as the motions of vomit started to present themselves again and rushed her to the foyer pleased that although I was now covered in vomit the next lot on tiles would be so much easier to clean than off the carpet…… Then the happy giggles of my 6 month old accompanied by a splashy squishy sound sound made me turn slowly as if in a horror movie to reveal the visual of her happily splashing in a pool of her sisters vomit in front of the tv! I stood in stunned silence wondering were to begin… The child before me now sitting in an ever increasing pool of vomit, the happy 6 month old splashing as if in a wading pool in a circle of vomit, the carpet directly beneath her, myself now smelling like the time the septic tank was emptied or the vomit rolling down the glass door onto the carpet? These are the things they don’t tell you in all those lovely commercials featuring babies and childrens cutely playing, dancing or singing in an attempt to sell you a product via the oooohhhhhh so sweet feeling they inspire! Nope your not a parent until covered in vomit!
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You are truly a parent when you manage to catch the vomit in your hands! One Mother’s day my husband was buckling the kids back into their car seats when Miss 3 who had been unwell with tonsillitis gave a bit of a cough and let fly with vomit. Daddy put both hands out and caught the lot! Car saved! Thank goodness or we would have spent an hour driving home with the delightful aroma of spew…and no doubt her siblings would have then joined the party!!!
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Lol, my husband says this too – thankfully his big hands have come in ‘handy’ a few times!
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Maybe it should be not about being a real parent or not, but how we all definitely earn our stripes!
I’ve had the vomit down the top and in the hair. But what I can’t seem to get past is for some of my clothing, no wash, no matter how hot and with what detergent can remove “that” smell!!!
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maybe try a cup of vinegar in the wash?
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Reminds me of the time my newborn powerspewed the bottle I had just lovingly given her in the smallest mothers room ever. It was the first time we had gone out by ourselves, and the room was full of other mothers, babies, toddlers and strollers. I had a sixth sense she was about to spew and as I quickly turned her away from me she powerspewed all over a wall and kitchen cupboard and herself. I stripped off her clothes, and threw them in the bin, used her wrap to clean up the spew and threw that in the bin and quickly left asap. You’d think I was in good company with all the other mothers, but the only thing one of them said was ‘good reflexes’ haha.
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I’ve been vomited on or pooed on several times but the one that takes the cake was when my son was about 18mths old. We were out and Dad picked him up because he was fussy presuming he was tired. Exorcist amounts of vomit on dad’s face, hair and inside his clothes! I grabbed my son and cleaned him up with dad stood there in a state of shock with vomit slowing dripping to the floor!
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I’m beginning to realise we have faired really well health wise in this family (apart from my partner’s stroke this year, but that’s another story..well, novel!)
I’ve got an 8 and 3 yr old and we’ve never had much more than a sniffly nose, until about a month ago…
My 3 yr old usually comes into our bed around 6:30 and this particular Saturday morning he was restless. I could feel him sitting up then I smelt that warm smell. I turned around and he had vomited (Mmmm , nice and chunky!) into his hands. Like you, Jo I was paralyzed for a few seconds. This was also because the vomit had totally missed the freshly changed doona and sheets! It was mostly in his hands and only a tiny bit on the outer blanket! I roused into action. Told him to stay still, which he did…little hands outstretched holding clumps of spew! I got a towel and cleaned him up. Couldn’t believe the sheets were saved! He chucked again later that day on the floorboards but he was otherwise so happy and normal we didn’t think he was sick (novices!)
The next day we went to our nephew’s birthday party and on the way home our 8 year old was looking really peaky. When we got home he threw up all over the verandah. I also started feeling really wrong. I HATE throwing up and on the very few occasions I’ve had to I’ve fought it. I cleaned the verandah knowing my turn.
I was also hit with the feeling it’s all up to me. Before the stroke my partner would have dealt with everything, cleaning the spew, getting the kids to bed – everything. I had it very easy. Now it was down to me. Everyone in our family was hit at the same time and the hurricane lasted from 7 to about 12 when I had my last spew. Amazingly in a one bathroom house of 5 people including a 3 yr old and partner who can only walk (and very slowly) with a cane we were spared any messes! There was a close one where I almost pushed my disabled partner out the way but we managed it!
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I take my hat off to you, Mandy, you’ve really got your hands full! Hope your partner goes well with rehab.
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And the babysitters! I was nannying for a 6month old and she had a bit of a spit up- not that bad, I really shouldn’t have bern helicoptering her after her breakfast…..Vomit of pureed pears, peas and farex goes down my front. Baby then finds out that she can flick the neck of my dress. A fine mist of the delicious baby brewed smoothie was repeatedly sprayed up into my mouth, nose and hair until I was able to get myself out of the line of fire.
All was forgiven once she simultaneously broke wind from both ends; she sure knows how to treat a lady!
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