'There were 3 in the bed and the little one said: what are you two doing?'
Would you have sex with a baby in the room?
Apparently, one third of Swedish parents are doing just that.
Many have reported having sex, while their children are in the bed with them.
These Swedish survey results are making headlines around the world and dividing parents into ‘it’s okay’ and ‘absolutely no way‘ camps.
One guest on UK breakfast show, The Morning said that sex in the same bed as an infant was fine, so long as the child was asleep but another said that doing so was ‘verging on child abuse.’
Mother of two Lynnea Shrief admits that she has had sex with her husband while their baby was in the bed, confessing to hiding her ‘squeals of delight’ with a pillow.
She believes that as long as the child is asleep, there is nothing wrong with it.
Journalist Sonia Poulten, on the other hand, says to make love while a child is in the same room is ‘disgusting’.
‘I co-slept with both my children and breastfed them until they were between nine and 12 months,’ Lynnea said on the ITV breakfast chat show today. ‘If the baby woke up I would roll over and breastfeed, and then go back to sleep.
‘Occasionally if my husband and I felt like kissing or making love, we did it. It would always be an intimate and passionate act. It wasn’t this noisy, wild act of sex that I think some people are imagining.
But Sonia Poulten believes that even a sleeping baby can be affected by their parents making love in the same room.
‘The only time you should mix a child with sex is when you are creating them,’ she said today.
‘People automatically assume if you have issues with such things that you are uptight about sex, some sort of Victorian throwback cultural issue. It isn’t that at all.
‘My gut instinct just says ‘”this isn’t okay,”‘ she added.
What do you think? Is it okay for parents to have sex while their child is in the same room? Is it okay for them to have sex while their child is in the bed? Does your answer change depending on the age of the child?
As a kid, did you ever bust your parents?
Comments
243 Comments so far
Or parents could instead choose to spice it up and get cookin’ in the kitchen. Or do the Tango in the living room. Beats the same old, same old.
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Somethimes I think more damage is done by societies reaction to a situation than the situation itself
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In the same room is fine, I wouldn’t do it in the same bed, only if the baby’s too young to notice what’s going on, once they’re old enough to talk & ask what’s happening I wouldn’t do it
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That’s how our 2nd child was conceived! Our then 9 month old son was asleep, we were staying overnight in a one room motel. I’m fairly sure my son was none the wiser we just created his little sister!
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Seriously, what new Mum feels like sex??? When my daughter was a baby, and she slept, so did I!!
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When my son was tiny, tiny we did it while he was asleep in the bassinet next to the bed. I wouldn’t do it now that he’s 14 months old though.
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I honestly think there is nothing wrong with it when they are a BABY – My partner and I definetly did while the basinette was next to our bed, Now that he is an 18month old he has his own room.He wouldn’t know what would be going on and I would still see no problem if we HAD to share a room and provided he was asleep.
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If the child is asleep it really doesn’t matter; they’re oblivious.
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For all those that say its fine because ‘people in developing countries share one room and they have sex with kids there’. Since when did something happening to kids in a developing country mean that its all good? Families who all live crowded in one room due to not being able to afford more space often have many issues that I am sure you wouldn’t want your kids exposed to. Why do people compare these conditions to our society? It is completely different !
This is a study that outlines the psychological damage that lack of privacy and families sharing one room has on the kids
Children shouldn’t be exposed to adult activities and it isn’t appropriate! It is just selfish and lazy not to move to another room or miss out for a night if sharing a hotel room etc. I know many parents think it is not a big deal but would you feel comfortable with your parents having sex in the same room as you? Especially if you didn’t really understand what was happening and maybe thought ‘daddy is crushing mummy’ and got frightened.
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Or Mummy crushing Daddy?! Whatever floats your boat, eh?
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We are currently renovating our house and staying with my parents. We have 3 kids so our 2 year old daughter stays in the room with us. If we couldn’t make love while she is asleep on the other side of the room there would be no love making for a LONG time. And that is not ideal or healthy for our relationship. She is a heavy sleeper and we are quiet and discrete, so in this case she is unlikely to notice even if she woke up. But I wouldn’t do it with a child in the bed as that would make it a bit difficult to be discrete..
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‘The only time you should mix a child with sex is when you are creating them,’ or, you know, responsibly teaching them about it when they’re older.
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Its the most natural thing in the world, my partner and I have shared beds and rooms with both of our babies and never thought twice about it. They were born from the love we have for each other and we are openly affectionate in front of our children. Its not porn star sex but loving and intimate.
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I would be fine having sex with my baby in the room because they don’t know what’s going on. As soon as they were toddler age or old enough to speak and say ‘what are you doing mummy and daddy’, then it would def be a private thing again. Even with a small baby you could have louder sex, just not screaming porn noises. You don’t want to wake it and ruin the mood with crying…
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Same room, no problem. I might draw the line at same bed but wouldn’t judge another couple for it.
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Well-said, Caitlin – I’m with you!
No judgement from me. Personally, I don’t think I could quite manage same-bed – I’d be too busy thinking about flailing limbs or being too loud to enjoy it..
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Our 3 month old is still in our room in a bassinet and yes, we have had quiet, under the covers sex. Nothing like the fear of waking up a bub to show you how quiet you can be… I really couldn’t do it with baby in the bed though, and I have to have a shower before I breastfeed again.
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I never saw my parents having sex at all, and now I have a drinking problem. I suspect it was caused by not seeing my parents have sex. What is frustrating is that now they refuse to help me with my drinking problem by having sex in front of me. Mind you they are in their 70s.
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I think we don’t did it a few 3 or 4 times for the first year any way! My kid was in his own room from the start but if I got into bed there was only one thing on my mind, and it had nothing to do with my husband!!
I think the odd time with a little one would be ok, in the same room, same bed? No way. Do it in the bathroom or something!
I just don’t like the idea of mixing sex bed with babies, it’s just gross. All those fluids ( from sex and babies, both messy things)
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Don’t put the baby in the middle … ?
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Currently we are renovating and the whole family (m, d, 8y, 6y) is living in one room. We will be like this for about three months. We can have sex in this room or not at all. I’m quite shy but three months is too long for me.
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Bathroom, hotel, while kids are at school etc etc.
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Bathroom, hotel, while kids are at school etc etc.
Yeah?
Have you ever tried to shag under the shower while you have a 6 year old banging on the bathroom door yelling “I can’t find my school jumper”
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So have a shower when they’re asleep!
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Generally these days the toilet is in the bathroom. It’s not practical or protocol to use a room that others might need just to engage in your carnal desires.
To say to have sex while they are asleep…don’t you know that kids wake up…they go looking for their parents…they might need to use the bathroom
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Mamamia how come stemumma’s post thread got deleted? I actually found that the most interesting responses in a long time, I really wanted to keep reading. I honestly don’t think stepmumma meant any harm, but the uproar seemed to come based on her status as the step mum of the sleeping child… The women commentators going off at her sounds like they took it personally and reacted as if their child was sleeping whilst the ex husband and new partner are having sex. Misdirected fury perhaps?
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Hey Leah2 – what started as an interesting dinner party conversation got fairly out of hand late last night, so we made the decision to get rid of it. There’s only a few of us watching comments – and sometimes we need sleep!
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I think sometimes we all forget that there are real people running this site who need to eat and sleep ilke the rest of us! Thanks for all you do Lucy and everybody else!!
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Ohhh that’s such a shame, it really didn’t need to go down that way, she was perfectly entitled to her opinions and experiences.
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I think it was the right call to delete it, lots of scary shouty CAPITALS etc going on.
Still, I found it interesting to think about how I would react, and I can understand people’s concern.
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Why have half my comments been deleted and I am now unable to make any comments?! I was not rude or abusive in any of my comments. I just expressed my opinion. It is completely unfair.
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Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I just don’t think I could be very in the mood with my child in the room. I guess it’s fine if you’re cosleeping and the baby is asleep, but what if he or she wakes up? Do you stop immediately? How long can you let something like this go on before baby starts to catch on? I can’t see doing it with a two year old in bed, or a three year old, etc etc. Where do you draw the line?
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Just a thought. Is it legal in Aus? I mean, I imagine child services would have something to say about people having sex in front of children. I’m wondering if they have guidelines age or proximity? Certainly I think children would be removed from a household where adults were actively engaging in sex in front of the children without being descreet (yes, I know that isn’t the situation we are talking about here). So I’m thinking they must have some sort of guidelines about what circumstances they consider appropriate (descretely vs overtly?). Anyone here work for Child Service or similar? Can you shed some light? I’m just curious about the ‘powers that be’ take on this would be.
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HI,
Short answer is no it is not legal in Australia. I accidently coped the UK law earlier which one mother used against me to prove her point it was perfectly fine to have sex infront of your children. There is a law that prevents causing a minor to be exposed to a sexual act. This applies to having sex with them in the room as well as watching porn in their company etc.
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I think there’s a world of difference between having a quiet romp under the doona and doing it doggy style next to your baby’s cot.
If as a parent, you don’t know what’s appropriate in your own situation, there’s something VERY, very wrong.
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OK…when i was younger, I heard my parents going for gold a few times, and i can tell u all, IT.WAS.DISTURBING!!! Errrrgghhh Still thinking of it makes me shiver! I dont remember a thing before age 3 though, so if u want to get your rocks off when kiddies are under say age 2, go for it…Me personally…I wont be doing it…it has nothing to do with baby in the room though…Im just too bloody tired to even think about getting the bed rocking! I have a 10 week old and 5 year old and hubby and i sleeping in shifts to feed baby, there is no funky monkey town in this bedroom right now! He is not touching me with a 10 foot pole(he wishes pfft) until i get past the year i just spent in bed from being pregnant haha! NO THANK YOU! No traumatised children in this household this month at least thats for sure!!
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Just because people don’t remember things under the age of 3 doesn’t mean it won’t affect them both physically and mentally. They may still be traumatised by it.
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Just because people don’t remember things under the age of 3 doesn’t mean it won’t affect them both physically and mentally. They may still be traumatised by it.
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I’m jealous… At least someone is managing a romp after having kids! We all need to loosen up a bit. Modern society has wound itself into such a knot over sex. The focus is all wrong. It’s such a shame it’s become so “dirty”. Reading some of the posts reveals the level of stigma and seriousness over such a totally natural act.
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Ewe, reminds me of that horrible cult that used to ‘sexuallise’ their children by involving them in their parents sex life. Those kids were really messed up. Sorry, it’s just wrong.
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Whether you approve of it or not….it’s been going on for centuries before people were affluent enough to live in houses with several rooms.
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Doesn’t anyone sleep in their own room!!! Why does everyone have kids in their room??
I think theres something nqr if you can’t find the time to have sex without your children being in the room!!
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Sids recommends babies sleep in the same room as their parents for 6-12mths.
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I think having bub in bed with me would just make me be frightened of accidentally rolling on or bouncing the bub too much. When our bubs were still small enough to still be in our room we had sex…but they were in their bassinets well out of my clumsy self’s way! I think if you’re confident enough to have sex with them in bed that you won’t do either of the aforementioned bouncing and rolling knock yourselves out!
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Just a quick reminder for everyone to remember their manners and respect each other’s opinions.
Thanks!
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People seem to forget that more than half the world’s population lives in 1 room dwellings where sometimes, multi-generations co-sleep.
Clearly they are having sex while their children (and often their parents) are in the room.
This is really a first world problem (The problem being that we even need to talk or think about it)
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That is not true
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For all those that say its fine because ‘people in developing countries share one room and they have sex with kids there’. Since when did something happening to kids in a developing country mean that its all good? Families who all live crowded in one room due to not being able to afford more space often have many issues that I am sure you wouldn’t want your kids exposed to. Why do people compare these conditions to our society? It is completely different !
There are studies that outlines the psychological damage that lack of privacy and families sharing one room has on the kids
Children shouldn’t be exposed to adult activities and it isn’t appropriate! It is just selfish and lazy not to move to another room or miss out for a night if sharing a hotel room etc. I know many parents think it is not a big deal but would you feel comfortable with your parents having sex in the same room as you? Especially if you didn’t really understand what was happening and maybe thought ‘daddy is crushing mummy’ and got frightened.
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Just to play devil’s advocate here, does anyone know how children of families in underdeveloped countries who live in one room fare? I am sure they are occasionally aware of their parents having sex. Do they grow to have unbalanced views about sex? Do they develop mental illness or fall into problematic relationships? Are they psychologically scarred??
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Snap!!
just posted above and then read your comment.
Great minds!!
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The rates of rape in those countries is ridiculous. My mums a uni lecturer and told me the rate of men in africa who lose their virginity through raping a woman is something ridiculous like 70%.
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Come on. She brought it on herself and deserves the backlash. You know nothing about her apart from that she has sex in the same bed as her 6 year old and you say you’re sure she is doing a great job?
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She was clearly referring to co-sleeping, not having sex. How on earth did you make it through uni?
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We know NOTHING of these parents except that the stepmother has admitted to having sex with her partner in the same bed as the child. I’m not saying they are abusive. What I am saying is that if a child came to me as their teacher and told me this then I would be obligated to report it and someone else would investigate it and make a judgement on it.
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I think what some people are missing here is it’s not about whether you and are partner are comfortable with it, but do you think you’re kids are? Even if the children are too young to remember it, if you told them when they were older that you had sex next to them in the bed, do you think they’d be fine with it?
I think a young baby in a cot is probably ok. In the bed with you or a little older? No.
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OMG, I’m such a Nazi when it comes to using your and you’re. Sincere apologies!!!
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Why is the comment below where “Stepmamma” is being called a paedophile not being deleted? Is no-one moderating or does the moderator think this comment is ok?
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It’s absolutely not okay and has been removed. Thanks Anon.
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‘anon’ you are way out of line.
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I probably wouldn’t have sex with a baby/child in the bed. I’d be afraid of said child being bounced around the bed. In the room in a cot etc, why not? If you ever go camping (as in in a tent), kids could potentially see/hear you. Surely campers worldwide don’t miss out every trip.
Sex is a natural part of life and actually makes children…
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No one has sex while camping with children. Ever. This is a known and accepted fact.
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Hahaha, maybe the stress of putting up a tent/camper trailer and the associated bits and pieces wears the parents out at least.
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I had friends who went on a three month camper trailer trip with their three kids. I asked her, “Did you just not have sex for three months?” And she said that once they started to pack up the camper trailer, the kids would disappear. So the parents took advantage of their absence
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You are joking……
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No one has sex while camping with children. Ever. This is a known and accepted fact.
You are joking….
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OF COURSE I’m joking! Actually, not really. Maybe just us
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lol! i couldn’t do it with my dog in the room!..let alone a bub!
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haha yeah, I was even weirded out when I looked over one time and the cat was looking at us very intently… out you go!
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I think that children whose parents love each other and stay together are very lucky. For this to be possible, parents need to have sex. At least occasionally.
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Never thought we would, but we do – only when our baby’s asleep and in the cot, not the bed. It’s funny what you think is wrong before having a baby becomes normal and acceptable after.
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I honestly don’t see what the big deal about having kids in the room is! My partner and I take our kids on all holidays with us, usually we stay in a hotel room with two double beds, and I can tell you we enjoy our holiday in every way once the kids are sound asleep! They really don’t wake to anything and even if they did at 6 & 1 are not going to know what’s happening
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Bravo MM crew… you knew this would be a cracker of a topic. Gold.
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Oh man, my cat pushes open the door.. “brrr brrr brrr’s” up on the bed and stares at me. He’s tries smooching me while were at it. He’s not scarred and he was awake!
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Our cat pounced on us once, so she got unceremoniously thrown from the room.
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My cat used to pounce on my husband’s morning glory when he was a kitten. too bloody funny!!!
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LOL, morning glory, that’s fabulous.
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Once again I am surprised about how much people “care” about what other people do. Really, aren’t there better things to do than judge others on things that aren’t illegal and debateable as to whether they are detrimental or not. People can and should make their own decisions about what goes on in their own homes (again, illegal acts excepted).
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There is this thing called Infantile Amnesia where basically we don’t have vivid memories of anything before the age of two. So bsically before that, if the child woke up and actually realiseed what was happpening they still wouldn’t be able to remember it. probably by age 3 a child would be able to ask ‘What are you doing Mummy and Daddy?’ and so by then you would probably stop doing it with them in the same room, or at least not if they were awake!
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I absolutely agree. At age 2 my daughter watched the movie babe every day for a year. She is now 8.5. On Saturday we watched Babe on TV and she kept asking me ” what is going to happen next” she had no idea what the movie was about. An infant has no idea about most things, they have no idea about the act of making love so how can they be effected by it. Or is it affected? I never get it right
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I’m with you as well. While I can’t see my already limited libido being up for much with my child in the room, I doubt there’d be any lasting damage while the child is below the age of two.
That said, I did overhear my parents once at about age five or six. I think the reason I remember is because my mum clearly wasn’t enjoying herself judging from the words she was saying. I don’t think a quiet contended session would have stayed with me in the same way.
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Wrong in your opinion I hope you meant to say.
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I’m finding these comments very entertaining. So many people are outraged by the idea that the kids might know their parents are having sex or worse still, SEE them having sex. What do they think happens in the many parts of the world where entire families sleep in one room? For most of human history family groups have slept together in the one room/cave/hut.
I don’t think swinging from the chandeliers in front of the kids is a good idea but quiet sex while a baby/young child is asleep in another part of the room is ok, in my opinion.
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You just said exactly what I was going to say!
The lessons of history (and a bit of lateral vision) don’t seem to last very long in our collective consciousness….
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children watching adults having sex is wrong. How can people think it’s ok?
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They AREN’T watching, they are asleep!!!
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OMG . yeah your right children never wake up.
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Reading Mao’s last dancer was facinating. The writer and his brother both shared a bed with his parents and he tells this story about how his mother would lose her hair pins on the father’s side of the bed every now and then.
Had no idea what was happening in his younger years until much later.
Was a real eye opener and quite a lovely story I thought.
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I am finding reading these comments really disturbing! I don’t think it is a ‘personal’ decision or ‘each to their own’ as many people are saying. I have studied developmental psychology and babies/children are way more aware than we assume. I cannot believe how so many parents find it perfectly fine to have sex in the same bed/room as their kids who may be up to 10 years old! This could absolutely be very distressing to the children and cause issues for some.
In addition I really don’t get how parents can feel sexy and in the mood with their children right there? Sex is a personal and intimate thing to be shared between adults not with the whole family ! Have some respect for your kids and relationship and move to another room!!
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Oh for goodness sake, I’m sure there are millions and millions of people all around the world who have witnessed their parents having sex at least once in their lives. I think most of us were a bit embarrassed but otherwise fine with it.
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There are millions of people doing lots of things! Doesn’t make it right! Why not just move to another room when you can? I have met some kids who have sex phobias due to being exposed to witnessing their parents having sex. Just because you were fine doesn’t mean every child is!
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I can only say again, oh for goodness sake!
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You’re talking about child sexual abuse, which is a totally different thing to a baby in its cot or a child walking in on their parents having sex.
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No I am not. I am talking about kids I have worked with (I am a child psychologist) who have developed phobias of sexual related things due to being exposed to their parents having sex. Kids who are sleeping next to their parents and then wake up etc not babies in cots
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Elle, how do you explain children all around the world in developing countries where whole families share 1 room?
Are you saying that most of the kids in the 3rd world have mental issues??
Separate bedrooms is a western development. The majority of the world co-sleeps and often in a one room dwelling
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I have a feeling the phobia might be more to do with how people like you react to their experience than any damage inherent in the act.
And as I’ve said before, being in a field related to the topic at hand doesn’t automatically give you all the right answers.
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Well I hope you help them get over it better than you appear to be yourself. I know how rude that sounds, but I genuinely think this a classic example of the FWP.
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Jackson- Just because kids in developing countries are exposed to sex in the same room doesn’t mean it is appropriate. There are plenty of kids in developing countries who are exposed to violence, poverty, abuse etc. Is that cool too?
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I would also imagine that for those people living in third world countries that on Maslow’s heirachy of need, physiological needs being met and safety/ security (bottom two triangles), that their understanding/ attitude to sex is different. If 3 generations share a small room to live and sleep in, I suspect the stuff about nightmares from TV are minmised both from attachment to parents/ grandparents but also because trying to survive each day takes most of their being (from also someone who has studied child development psychology).
Truely most parents either in first or third world do the best they can, its just that some don’t. That should be our focus.
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Elle the topic being discussed in no way implies or condones any act of abuse towards children. To compare this with a loving and natural act between the parents is pretty insulting. I am sure most parents are discreet if they have sex in the same room where the baby is sleeping. As for the children you see, may I suggest there are a lot of family issues they are dealing with, not just happening to see their parents having sex.
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Nowhere has Jackson said toxic environments are ‘cool’. He is pointing out, as have I, that millions of children are in close proximity to their parents and don’t appear to develop psychological problems from it. And not to mention we evolved over thousands of years living, sleeping, reproducing and dying in front of each other.
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If you’ve really studied developmental psychology you might be aware of ‘attachment theory’. Co-sleeping supports good attachment. If you co-sleep with your infant does that mean you lose the intimacy in your adult relationship? Generally speaking what’s good for the parents’ relationship is good for the family.
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You can build a healthy, secure attachment without co-sleeping. Those who co-sleep can have sex in other room! It isn’t that hard.
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It could be difficult to have sex at all if “it isn’t that hard”
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I don’t have any university level studies in developmental psychology, so please correct me if I’m wrong, but my understanding is the ‘attachment theory’ is quite different from ‘attachment parenting’. It is attachment parenting that emphasises the need for co-sleeping, and kids being constantly with their mothers (based on the books by William Sears). Attachment theory is quite different in that it doesn’t promote co-sleeping as such, rather the importance of forming relationships more generally.
Just pointing this out because a lot of people are very critical of attachment parenting. Attachment theory on the other hand is usually accepted and not at all controversial.
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Excellent, you are studying child developmental psychology. Can you please then explain the difference between the effect this has on children in a developed country as opposed to infants living in a single room with parents, grandparents as is the norm throughout developing nations, and for thousands of years prior.
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For us it was ok while our kids were babies but not past the age of about 18 months. It’s a personal thing, we just stopped feeling comfortable about it and automatically went to another room if our kid/s were asleep in ours.
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