Berry with her daughter Willow
by BERRY LIBERMAN
Vanity is a funny thing. It’s based on comparison and as we all should know by now, comparison is the death of happiness. I met a beautiful girl the other day whom I knew when I was a kid. She’s a sweet person, a mother of two beautiful children and has always been pretty – really pretty. We met at the market and I wanted to scream. She was unrecognisable. Since the last time I saw her she has had so much plastic surgery that she has erased any trace of herself – the girl she was is gone. A strange amalgam of beauty ideals has replaced her natural expressions. I wanted to cry, shake her and beg her. Looking at her face was looking at pain and self loathing – a culture that pushes us too far. The greatest tragedy is she has a daughter.
I also have a daughter and I also have scars – really, really bad ones. When I was pregnant around week 28 with my son, proudly flaunting my round belly on the beach, admiring its ever expanding size and the little kicks within, I noticed a weird red scratch on my bikini line. Turns out it was the beginning of some ripper stretch marks that hurtled their way up my belly and stopped somewhere around my rib cage. Nice. Really stylish.
Let’s just say the bikini thing is officially over.
So, I understand plastic surgery and the desire to ‘fix’ stuff. I breastfed two kids to 15 months each. More plastic surgery desire there. ‘Nough said! Some days I look in the mirror and I’m just a little pissed off… would anyone notice if I took three weeks off work? Went in for a little nip and tuck?! Then I am forced to think of my kids and not just my vanity. How will they view their partners or themselves if I present an image of perfection? Is that helpful to them? Is perfection helpful to anyone? What will my son expect of the women in his life – that they are an impossible idea of woman? How much therapy will that cost? Does my desire to be ‘beautiful’ override my responsibility to be real with my kids?
.
My husband and I often laugh about our changing appearances as we grow older together. Grey hairs, stretch marks, expanding and contracting belly lines. Then I am reminded of something we find hard to do.
Have gratitude.
As my children lie sleeping in their beds I am overwhelmed with gratitude. When I notice Dan’s beard slightly greying, I pray we get to be completely silver haired together. When my mum turned 60, she was just a little freaked out. “I’m only 40 in my head!” and then I reminded her. Every birthday is a privilege. My dad didn’t get past his 45th birthday.
There’s something we forget when we try and erase the years and the scars. We forget they are the markers of a life lived, of things learned, of love given and received, of loss, of laughter. How can I say to Willow that she’s enough if I don’t believe that I am? She’ll know I’m a fraud and most likely will feel that putting herself under general anaesthetic and letting someone put a knife to her face and body is quite normal. Necessary in fact.
I’d rather teach her the safer, saner, if somewhat harder lesson of gratitude. Of being enough. We fly outside of ourselves, unhinged by images that persist an ideal. There are days I’d rather not look at my scars but then I am reminded of my life and I am so very, truly grateful. Anyway, Jets make really nice full piece bathers.
The following images are from a project called BirthMarkings that explores post-birth bodies. Take a look.
More images can be accessed on their website here
This post was originally published on Dumbo Feather here and has been republished with full permission.
Berry is the publisher of Dumbo Feather. You can follow Berry on Twitter via @berryfeather.
Comments
54 Comments so far
I don’t usually leave comments, to be exact I never do, however I felt compelled by the overwhelming feeling of happiness your words brought to me. I’m not a mother, but boy do I have some stretch marks and I can only imagine what I’ll look like post baby one day. However, as we age and go through life’s experiences, marks are only to be expected.
I recently turned 27, and as myself and those around me begin to “age” the discussion of not wanting to get older arises more and more often. A friend asked how it felt to be 27 now and I responded with, “I love it, I love every year of my life.” She went on to say that I am one of the few people she knows that enjoy getting older and I was dismayed by that, one of the few…
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I love getting older. I love the wisdom that experience brings, knowing that in another 10 years I will look back at my 30something self and laugh… and the next decade after that, and so forth. Every scar and stretch mark in life brings clarity and self awareness. I wouldn’t trade those experiences or stretchmarks for anything. They make me who I am today.
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There are times, after carrying and breast feeding 3 kids, that I joke about wanting a ‘realignment’ for my 40th. I don’t want anything enhanced, just put back where it was at 23!
But I am only joking. I was pretty lucky as most of the physical evidence of my babies such as the stretch marks are in places that only my husband and gyno get anywhere near. Still there are always days that I long for that body I had.
Then I look at my babies (not that they are babies any more) and I am proud that I carried them, birthed them and feed them with this body. Men’s bodies aren’t nearly as clever as ours! And my husband loves me just the way I am so why shouldn’t I love myself in the same way?
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I’m a mum to be, expecting my first in November. Thanks for your article, all the changes that are happening to my body sometimes alarm me. I have no control over what’s going on – it’s just happening and my body seems to know what’s going on and what it’s doing even if I don’t! But I can’t change the stretching, the marks, the tight skin that won’t be like that again! Your article encourages me to be proud of these changes, especially for the sake of my unborn daughter/son. Thanks
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I absolutely LOVE this article! I wonder when us women will stop beating ourselves up, punishing ourselves for having had children…being a few kgs heavier than we would like, having imperfect skin etc etc. We fail to realise that it is our imperfections that make us unique!
My NY resolution was to LOVE myself more and forgive myself for the seemingly insignificant things that I used to waste my time worrying about. It is working and I feel great AND more importantly, people have noticed!
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absolutely wonderful. i do dye my hair, i started greying at 14 – but it is a signature bit of me to be a redhead now. and its fun.
would i trade my scars and stretchmarks, my face, my smaller boobs after nurturing five amazing human beings? hell no. they are my battle scars earned and gloriously celebrated as such,
good to see other women recognising that.
but i do think surgery should be a valid choice for women. however, if they wish to do it for some private vanity, that is one thing, but to meet some warped societal ideal portrayed by air brushed models, and a society obsessed with a youth, with the benchline being pushed ever rfar backm unto we start with prepubescence as an ideal, well….i am disturbed we do not celebrate the beauty of character. mind you, we also celebrate fame over accomplishment, and only sport not intellectual acheivement equally so – well, we have a warped societal set of priorities, no?
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Beautiful article, Berry – thank you and lovely comments below.
I have three different sets of stretch marks all in different stages of fading, reflecting the different ages of the babies who gave them to me, and a c-section scar from my first. They’re not pretty, but with friends struggling to conceive, I feel very blessed to have them.
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Every once in a while, I think about a little nipping and tucking…and then i think about the 1 in [insert statistic here] chance of something going wrong – life changing or ending wrong. It happens even with “the best” doctors. and that’s all i need to think about. it’s elective surgery usually under general anesthesia with serious recovery time/pain/potential for infection – no thanks, not for elective!
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What a beautifully written and powerful article. And what a great reminder that gratitude is just so important. Next time I stand in front of the mirror and look at my post natal body with all those negative thoughts running through my head, I’ll try and remember this. My baby was worth every change I went through.
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I have a scar on my chest from when I had heart surgery as a child. It saved my life. I have stretch marks from my first pregnancy which I always hated until a friend told me “yes but they were created by your son”. It made me totally re-think my view on them. Years later I now have a c-section scar from son number 2. My scarred up tummy is beautiful and a reflection of two wonderful little boys and a life saved to have them. I may not be wearing crop tops or bikinis but I love my scars.
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Scars, be that from sports injury, child bearing, child rearing or emtional, are what we all bare. Some are obvious, like the ones alluded to in the articles and the comments so far, others hidden and very private.
What ever they are and how ever we got them, they are part of all of us.
Accepting those we love who have them is easy. Coping personally is the tough part.
V
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I love the marks where I fell off my bike when my Dad taught me to ride, the stretch marks where my baby grew and the scars from surgery that show I am strong and can survive cancer. These marks on my body are the story of my life. Of all the things I would change about my body, these are not them. I wear them with pride.
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Not a mother, won’t ever be (and I’m ok with that for reasons that will soon become obvious) but I have a massive scar that is a reminder that I’m a survivor. I had a stomach ulcer which was misdiagnosed by my medical centre doctor as “Tietze Syndrome” (a chest infection) and she recommended nurofen plus. Four times a day. Went back five times telling her the “chest pain” was getting worse, she just told me to continue with nurofen. Cut to me waking up one day dizzy as hell, went to see said dr again who finally sent me for blood tests – iron levels dangerously low, straight to emergency, waited 12 hrs for a doctor, when he saw me I blacked out – he sent me straight to surgery. Turns out the prescribed nurofen had eaten a hole in the main stomach artery and it burst as I arrived in the operating theatre – me throwing up fountains of blood (sorry for any queasy readers!), him struggling to get me under anaesthetic. Did the op, oversewed the artery, I was in an induced coma for about a week, didn’t eat for about a month, with a massive scar down my stomach due to slice, staples and stitches.
My scar reminds me I’m stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I can endure more pain than I thought possible. And the lesson? Don’t take a doctor’s advice at face value. And most importantly – I know the danger of ibruprofen and try to educate as much as I can – people pop nurofen like tic tacs. Nurofen can kill – so many women use it for period pain for example (it is effective) and ignore instructions – there is almost a new industry in ulcer related illnesses because of it. So please be careful with ibruprofen!!
Sorry for the small novel – but after my experiences – I don’t want it happening to anyone else xx
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You are amazing for going through all that with the outcome that you want to get the word out rather than hiding in a corner like I would of in your position
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thankyou for that! I give my baby son baby nurofen and although I always follow instructions I have never thought about the side affects as I took doctors and pharmacists advice at face value. I will keep following instructions and be careful but with a little more awareness.
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almost purchased baby nurofen at a chemist. had the opportunity to talk to the really nice older woman pharmacist. she told me despite what they say, she would never give it to her grandchildren. she believes it shouldn’t be on the market for babies/little ones. just something to keep in mind when deciding what to do. she wasn’t trying to sell me an alternative either as i didn’t need baby panadol – so I walked out empty handed and very thankful.
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i have had to go through the evaluation of a pain clinic, due to chronic pain and disability from a car accident. i am on epic doses of morphine to try and acheive some sort of functioning life. i was told by the head doctor that he is happier prescribing morphine than buprofen (ibuprofen is a brand type of bruprofen) as he is horrified by the side effects. sadly i need both:(
i have doses of buprofen way above the average person, and also have to take acid inhibitors to keep my stomach safe. it plays havoc with my digestion – it means i keep my weight down, but thats not as good as it sounds. i struggle to keep up a healthy weight. sometimes i just have to take a break from it, and i mss the pain relief hugely. but not the awful side effects.
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hit save too fast.
you rock.
people like you inspire me!
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Great article! Based on the comments it seems most mothers feel the same way and it is so good to hear women appreciating the capabilities of their body’s. Although, I would be interested to hear an opinion from another perspective if anyone is willing to share?
I’m in my mid-20s, no children, my husband and I are looking to start a family in the next few years. I am a bit vain and I like to look my best at all times. To be honest the physical damage (belly, boobs, hips, vagina) of pregnancy does scare me – quite a bit!! I understand the author is saying if you can’t accept yourself then how can you raise your children to accept themselves. But, what if after you’ve had all your children and you’ve exercised as much as you can and you’re still not happy with your appearance? Surely a woman has the right to feel comfortable in her own skin. She has two choices – change the way she feels about her body, or change how her body appears. I have always thought by the time I’ve finished having kids if I need a boob lift or a tummy tuck I would consider it – who knows if I would actually follow through. My perspective may change once I have kids, but it may not.
Basically what I am saying is, there must be two sides to this and I’m curious to hear from other mum’s too
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Hi my body is exactly the same as before so maybe this will be your experience too.. Prob best to wait and see what happens b4 you stress..
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I had my first child in 2011. Before he was born, I was proud to be in great shape and thin. when I became pregnant, I gained 50 pounds, developed bigger breasts with stretch marks and many stretch marks on my belly. Needless to say, 6 months following his birth I have never felt better about my body. I have lost the weight ( breastfeeding & lots of walking helped), and although My abdomen is still not as toned as it was, I have killer arms from carrying my son around! And I am strangely proud of my stretch marks. They represent the most wonderful little boy and they will be a lifelong reminder of a true miracle that occurred in my life. They are beautiful to me and I am not the least bit ashamed. Now, I am in absolute awe of my body and it’s capabilities, even if it no longer looks quite as pretty in a swimsuit. Best of luck starting a family, and I hope you feel the same way as I do about your body once baby is born!
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My son was born late last year and I was worried about the physica affects as well. I do have a lot of stretch marks on my boobs and a few on my tummy, but they’e barely noticeable. I also now weigh less than I did when I fell pregnant (thank you breastfeeding and walking) and my arms look amazing. I’m fitter than I’ve ever been because I’m so busy chasing my son around. I love my post baby body and I’m so proud of what it did to carry and birth my boy.
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Not everyone gets stretchmarks – I got none through three pregnancies, just lucky I guess. Pre kids I also was worried about my physical appearance after childbearing, and I’m happy to say that it’s been no big deal to get back in shape, but then I’ve always prioritised exercise and a healthy diet, plus breastfeeding helps too. And like someone else said – my arm tone is way better than pre kids due to carrying the little buggers around and pushing the pram to school, kinder, shops etc all day long! Love those guns!
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i dont have a heap of stretch marks. but do have the jiggly belly post birth. My son is 8 momhts old and i think i am more comfortable in my body thna i have ever been. I guess your priorities change and you appreciate what your body can do to carry birth and feed and watch you rlitte one grow.
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I’ve never had a baby but I was overweight as a teenage. My breasts, hips, butt and thighs look like I’ve been mauled by a cat. I’ve never worn a bikini, a midriff top or shorts. (I’m 22 and it is sooo hard to shop!). I havent been to the beach or pool since i was 14. I hate them, they embarrass me and make me so self conscious. But at the same time they save a constant reminder to take care of my body and lead a healthy lifestyle.
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I had just finished a Zumba class, and a group of older ladies asked if I had children. “Yes!” I replied “I have three”
The ladies moaned and groaned and rolled their eyes “We were hoping you would say none” explained one “how can you have three?”
“I have the stretch marks to prove it” I said, proudly lifting up my top to display a fine set.
“Oooh” they gushed, leaning in for a good look. “Some bio oil will fix that right up for you”
I was a little disappointed that they thought my belly needed fixing, but I smiled and shrugged. “Oh they don’t bother me, they’re a badge of honour” I replied.
The ladies all laughed. “I guess nobody else sees them, it’s not like you get around in a bikini”. Well actually I do, but decided that that was enough sharing for the evening.
Later that night I was telling my husband and my teenage children asked what stretch marks were. I showed them, and they literally recoiled in horror (and were promptly rebuked by their father).
I have no idea why they hadn’t noticed them before, I don’t own a full-piece.
I love this piece, and I love my stretchmarks. Now can somebody find that fantastic quote from Shirly Valentine please?
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Beautiful and thoughtful writing. I don’t have stretch marks but I do have an enormous, some might say ugly, c-sec scar as a result of two emergency c-sections. But if I didn’t have that scar i wouldn’t be alive today and neither would my two beautiful children. So to me it is gorgeous and life saving!
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This article articulated my thoughts so well! I’m lucky enough not to have stretch marks but I’ve always hated my nose and wanted to get it fixed. Now I’m at a time I can afford to have it done I don’t want to. I’m scared of the message I’d be sending my daughter about where her worth lies. Besides she will more than likely end up with the very same nose and she is PERFECT in every way!
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Here here!
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That is one of the best articles I have ever read on this wonderful Mamamia.
The photo and the words in the caption are brilliant and I wish every mum could read them before she left the hospital after giving birth.Just brilliant. xx
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I’m going to say the unthinkable! I hate my stomach and the stretch marks I have! I had my first child at 19 – good bye bikinis for the rest of my life! I never got to experience beach holidays with girlfriends where we pranced around in our swimmers and sun baked during the day. However I have learnt to live with them and except them as I know that without them I wouldn’t have 2 beautiful daughters that I’m so proud of
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I think I may b a freak.. 2kids both breastfed for 16 and 9 mths respectively, no sag , change in body or tiger marks..is there other ppl like this? I say this not to show off. Rather, I feel that it is a big call to assume someone has had surgery just because they don’t look like what you think a ‘mummy’ should look like. Also I feel as though my pregnancies were just as special even though I don’t have the physical reminders if it ..
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I say lucky you… I dont think youre showing off
My mum has an awesome body after 3 kids and she breastfed all of us. I think some people snap back into shape better than others. When I was pregnant with my first, I got purple stretch marks all over my breasts by 3 months. They just grew so fast. Then after breastfeeding they shrunk alot and turned all crepey where the stretch marks were. Not the worst thing in the world but I dont think they look particularly good anymore.
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I have no stretch marks at all. I think there’s a genetic tendency to get them and all the oil etc in the world won’t prevent them. More women have them than not.
My stomach muscles however, tell the tale of my 4 children…..
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My mum is 52, had 4 kids in her thirties. Not a stretch mark or anything and a flat tummy…I’ve never seen her stressed about her body or weight but rather eats mostly healthily and walks, tennis whatever often. She does pilates once a week and does her morning stretches and thats it! Praying I get her good genes/willpower…
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Think u will be like her… It’s all in the genes for sure.. My mum had 6 and not a stretch mark in site
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nope. me too.
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SOOOO putting that pic on my FB profile – I know hundreds of women who will love it!!
This post reminds me a bit of the Ani Difranco song IQ, where she says “I got highways for stretch marks, see where I’ve grown? See where I’ve grown?” I love that reference
I’ve also noticed recently I’ve developed quite a few deep wrinkles around my eyes – instead of being horrified by so obvious a sign of aging (I’m mid 30′s), I’m choosing to love them – to me, they’re proof that I’ve had, so far, half a lifetime of smiles and laughter, and I sincerely hope they get much worse 
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Thanks for this article. I really struggle with my tummy post babies (3). The stretch marks and jiggly, loose skin. I hate it. I never imagined being in a position where I would even consider plastic surgery, but I must admit the idea of a tummy tuck has crossed my thoughts more than once. For now, I have decided to wait and see. I’m still not at the ideal weight for me, once I’ve been there for a while I will reassess. I am really hoping to find comfort and peace with the body I have but I also like knowing that I have options.
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Same here. I have a saggy, jiggly tummy after two babies, not to mention I had an eight-centimetre separation in my abdo muscles after Baby #2, so I look perpetually pregnant now. I just lost 13kg and am the slimmest I’ve ever been but I still get asked “how far along are you?”. Would it really be bad of me to get my tummy muscles fixed and a tummy tuck while I am there?
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Great article! I didn’t get any stretch marks when pregnant with my son but currently pregnant with son number #2 and bigger already- bring on those stretch marks, I’ve earned my tiger stripes!!!
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That photo and caption is GORGEOUS! I don’t have any kids of my own, but a close friend has 2 and has heaps of loose skin on her belly and crinkles and marks – she’s always hated it, but I’ve always loved it and used to beg her to let me play with her belly and mould the little divets and creases into gorgeous mountain ranges across her abdomen. It wasn’t that it was amusing, I would stare at her skin as I did it in absolute wonder and awe that a little human being had grown in there – it blew my mind that she was so ashamed of the evidence of what a miraculous thing she had done
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Thanks for the gorgeous article.
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I love my pregnancy stretch marks. Having had a difficult and scary pregnancy with my firstborn, I came to consider each one a badge of honor for each day, week and month that I was able to carry him safely. No, I’ll never wear a bikini again. But by god, was he worth it!
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I look at my friends who are mum’s and regard their scars like those branded onto indigenous and African boys when they become men – they are a rite of passage, a visible badge that you are the most worshipped of all things – a mother.
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Love it
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i love this. my scars are not pregnancy related, when i was younger i always used to scratch. and i scar easily. but i dont notice these ‘blemishes’, they are just part of me.
In summer however when i walk around in shorts, strangers often approach me on the street and ask me what my scars are from and why i have them. RUDE!!!
They dont bother me – so they have nothing with you!
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dani my partner has quite severe psoriasis and lots of scars from it as well, and I absolutely love them all – he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with if he didn’t bear them, and they are a large part of the reason is so compassionate and kind :-/
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I’m with you on the scars. I have several keloids on my shoulders and when I first started getting them back when I was thirteen I felt hideous. It didn’t help that my mother made every effort to get rid of them and took me to dermatologist after dermatologist, and eventually had them injected with steroids to collapse them. It didn’t work and they came back (as keloids do, duh), and I remember her despair more than mine. Looking back, I don’t really understand why smooth shoulders where The. Most. Important. Thing. when they could have been treating my depression and anxiety, but at least I got an object lesson in f***ked up priorities. Nowadays, I wear what I want and am fond of my scars, to the point that I wouldn’t get rid of them even if I could.
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Wow. What a gorgeous post!
I am a first time mum-to-be and can’t help but be a little freaked out about all the questions, articles and advice I am getting on ‘keeping my body okay’
This made me feel better about it all!
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Gosh what a beautiful post. Whilst I respect everyone has an opinion I do hope this post isn’t spoilt by narky comments.
“Your body is not ruined, you’re a goddamn tiger who earned her stripes” – Love this.
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What a beautiful post!
After carrying and breastfeeding my daughter, my body has definatley changed. There have been times when I have thought to myself that I’d like my old breasts back or that the skin was tighter around my stomach. But, like you- I take one look at my daughter and I wouldn’t change a thing.
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Lovely post. thanks
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Berry, I understand what you are saying. Two of my friends have recently got ‘bolt ons’ (a term that I was unfamiliar with until I googled it!) or breast implants for those of us who speak normal English.
Both have finished having their children and felt that they wanted their bodies to return to their pre-children look. Both went for an average size so no F cup there but it still makes you wonder if this is the new norm.
Is this the new expectation that if you don’t get work done, you are the odd one out rather than the other way?
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