This is not Nicole's child and nor is this a form of child minding that we advocate
Kids in childcare have more temper tantrums and a worse dose of the “terrible twos” than other children, according to an Australian National University study.
News.com.au reports “A study of more than 5000 toddlers has found behavioural problems equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.
On the flipside, however, daycare children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.
Nicole McInnes is a corporate marketer and mother of two and her son is currently in daycare. She writes:
Many people have told me that sending your child to long day care is good for them. GPs, paediatricians, other mothers and a plethora of forum contributors are quick to rattle off the benefits without a glimmer of doubt in their voice. I mean it’s a popular stance, especially if your mortgage is forcing you quickly back to work or like me, you’ve been a driven career-woman for most of your life.
My two-and-a-half year old has been at kindy, as we call it, for nearly two years and if you ignore the endless viruses that plague him in winter, he has thrived in this, his own little community. He has gorgeous carers that love him and get excited as he hits each milestone. He has new friends that he’s made all on his own without the encouragement of a doting parent. And his understanding of the world is being constantly extended through early learning frameworks, activities he doesn’t really get to do at home, and most importantly, having to navigate fitting in to a group with all its written and unwritten rules. Add this to the growing amounts of research that seems to point towards the neutral to positive effect on children in quality care, and you have a pretty compelling argument for attending.
Nonetheless every time I watch my son’s little hand wave at me from his car seat as he leaves for morning drop off, I feel this ache in the pit of my stomach. None of this evidence has moved from my brain to my heart it seems and I have to do everything in my power not to chase off after him like some crazed lunatic.
At first I thought it was just the guilt driving me quietly mad; guilt that I was not being a full-time Mum; guilt that he may feel rejected; guilt when he’s gotten sick or hurt. But I realised, as I hid my pain behind another animated farewell, that it wasn’t just guilt, it was my own grief as well.
On Tuesdays I find myself a little more agitated, a little quicker to snap at my husband, and far less patient with my youngest. All because I know the next day my little man is going to day care to fend for himself and I am bracing myself for the inevitable pain I will feel as I let him go. But is keeping him at home, sheltered from the world the answer? I know I would feel a lot less anxious if he were with me 100% of the time. I could stick up for him when a toy was being taken off him or kiss any bumps better as soon as they occurred. “Nothing ‘bad’ would happen if I were around him all the time” I dream idealistically.
Then I remember my own stay-at-home-Mum was often frustrated, stressed out or busy doing mindless chores, and I can’t help but think a happy Mum around less of the time would be more beneficial than an ever-present grumpy one.
So does staying at home and keeping our kids ‘protected’ from the world, ease our own anxieties while our children never properly learn to trust their own judgement? Or are these just selfish justifications so I can get a break and do something for myself while strangers parent my child for nearly half the week?
I honestly don’t know. I oscillate back and forth, confused by my feelings which contradict the sensible arguments before me. One thing’s for sure he’s a happy, confident and social child, and I don’t want to jeopardise that by being a ‘selfless’ yet resentful Mummy. So while he’s exhausted after a day at kindy, on balance the benefits to him and our family far outweigh the illness and brain snaps his tiredness sometimes brings.
Letting him go may be one of the most loving and truly selfless things I could do, but I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could teach him about the world from within a big cuddle, but I can’t and so I sit here and miss him.
Nicole is an ex-award-winning Advertising Creative turned Corporate Marketer, but since becoming a Mum of two-boys, her love of writing is really the only thing keeping her from regularly stabbing herself in the eye with Cranky the Crane. You can find her blog here and follow her tweets here.
Did you go to daycare? Will you send your kids? How has it benefited or impacted you? Please remember that there are no right or wrong answers here – just opinion.
Comments
514 Comments so far
I don’t think articles like this need to be published here because the 20 or so responses I read were too emotional. Why write with a one vs the other tone? Do whatever – it’s ok. My Mum was a 5 day a week educator and put me in child care & I remember hating it. But as a nearly 40 something has that impacted on who I am? Maybe – but so have the millions of other things that have happened in my life – so % wise – it has affected me by a millionth!
(& if I get to 80 maybe only 1/2 a millionth). I’ve chosen to stay at home with my kids & that has impacted us signifintly financially – so will this impact them by not going on holidays for their first 6 years & me getting frustrated by never having a break – yea probably – but hopefully only by a millionth!
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If you are feeling this way it is because deep down inside you are not listening to your instincts. This kind of guilt being put on mums who want stay at home is totally wrong. Babies need their mothers.It’s as simple as that.
Where and when did we decide this was not the case anymore? Mothers ( and fathers) are their child’s first teachers! You teach your child to speak .You teach your child to live in the world and all the skills needed to manage themselves.
I also agree that part time work is necessary for families to survive these days but as a mother and grandmother please do not lrt yourself be bullied into thinking you are becoming a vegetable because you choose to stay at home with your baby. This time is so short in the big scheme of your children’s lives and it will never come again.
As Germaine Greer once said ” I never wanted women to become men. I just wanted them to have a choice” ( about the role they wished to play in society) So if you have chosen to be a stay at home mum for now you have made your choice and should be able to do so without feeling second class or second rate.
There is an urban myth around these days that babies need childcare to learn to socialise and learn!
This is rubbish.
They need to be played with ,sung to read to and loved every day to develop early social and early literacy skills.
So just remember what an important role you are playing in your baby’s development when you are at home.
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I have been a professional nanny for over 20 years, and have cared for many children between the ages of birth and 14 years old. The most important thing a parent should ask them self, is their child happy and content in their care environment.? And If the child is not happy or content, in their care environment, than the carer and parent need to work together to help that child. At the end of the day though, the choices you make should be about the best interests of your child, not the parents.
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As a working mother who doesn’t need to work for the money – I work to be happy.
I’m about to go back to work after maternity leave and am excited. Don’t get me wrong I feel guilty everyday dropping the kids off to care but know that they are better for it. To be happy I need to work. However, my gorgeous children have given me the balance I need to ensure I don’t bring work home with me. I love and enjoy every minute with them as a happy mum.
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Ah the judgement makes me sick! Who cares what you do, SAHM, working parent, whatever! All these SAHM saying that daycare is bad, do you then put the pressure on your partners to support your family? How is that fair? Or dO you bludge off the Government? I work 4 days a week, my 2.5 year old goes to daycare 2 days a week and it works perfectly for us. My partner works a flexible 4 day a week job that is not demanding so we share the parenting 50/50. Best possible scenario if you ask me. Why should dads miss out on seeing there kids because they are working alll the time to provide for the family? They shouldnt. So SAHM think about that before roasting working Parents for their choices!
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The narrow mindedness here is appalling. Why do working mums get roasted? Staying at home with kids 24/7 would drive anyone bonkers, anyone with a desire to talk about things other than nappies and vomit that is. What are we teaching our daughters; to be independent, strong women who can do or be whatever they want: doctors, lawyers, politicians, astronauts etc…oh except when you have a baby, because then you should give it all up to be a 1950s housewife for 18 years? If that works for you, fine. But don’t judge others who do it differently, for whatever reason. Whatever works for a family should be bobody elses’ business.
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WTF? If you can’t teach your child the same things he learns at daycare then you are doing something (or everything) wrong. I have a mothers group who meets every week so our kids are learning to be social/sharing/making decisions without us interfering. You are seriously trying to rationalise here and it’s so transparent. I’m so tired of the “oh, I HAVE to go back to work to make ends meet” really? In most cases yes, with your current expenses it would seem that way, but if the choice is your child hardly EVER seeing it’s mother, then sell the expensive house and downgrade. Sell the brand new car with huge repayments and buy a second hand car cash. Get rid of all that hire purchase bullshit and stop hiding behind it. Or, if you don’t want to do any of that then cop to it and admit that daycare for you is purely selfish. My 2.5yr old is in daycare Monday and thursday and yes, it’s because I need a break and like to do a couple of days work a week. But I admit that!
And trust me, my daughter can trust her own judgement… It’s not the choice of keeping them home vs daycare to learn the ways of the world. It’s what you do with them and what you teach them when you have them home that’s important.
Oh and this little extract you wrote?
“Letting him go may be one of the most loving and truly selfless things I could do, but I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could teach him about the world from within a big cuddle, but I can’t and so I sit here and miss him.”
Pfft… Utter crap.
*I know I’m going to get a tonne of single mums who think I am referring to them but I am not! I’m talking about 2 income families who are in debt up to their eyeballs making shitty exuses for having someone do their job for them!
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Wow you should be embarrassed of yourself for being so judgmental. So you think your the perfect one with the perfect balance do you? It works for YOU it does not mean everyone else has to do what you do.
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This is ridiculous. My partner and I have only got a second hand car. One that i bought outright. So no car loans. We don’t have a house to sell to downgrade. We rent because we can’t yet afford to buy. The rent costs 2 thirds of his pay which leaves very little for us to pay bills with let alone eat. How can you tell me I can afford to stay at home by downgrading. I’d love to stay at home with my child until they start school but that’s just not possible. We don’t eat out. We don’t buy new clothes. We don’t go on holidays. I saved every cent I could for two years so that I could stay at home as long as I could. But if I want to be able to feed and clothe my child I will have to return to work. Please tell me how I can avoid this because clearly you know everything.
On a side note, as a child I was at daycare all day 5 days a week and I LOVED it. It’s not the cruel torture you seem to think it is
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O dear, by the time your children are adults …mine are….if you are able to reread all these comments, you will look back and laugh. You will realize that motherhood is a long hard journey that requires years, indeed decades, of selfless giving of time and energy. This ” putting in” is worth the effort in rewards, a million times over but a balance is needed in all areas… And that includes a balance of perspective. Save your energy for the things that really matter .Letting go of very strong opinions….especially those who have never had children….can be very liberating and leads you to a more non -
judgmental journey through life. By the time your kids are adolescent you will need every ounce of your energy to just deal with your own family and will have learned hopefully to stop judging others’ opinions. Day care or not …a personal choice….it will all come out in the big wash of life. I used it for all 4 kids, all daughters, I didnt need to work for money, just for sanity. All 4 are great kids, I’m proud of all of them. Two now have kids of their own and I am pleased to see they do not judge the opinions of their peers. Life is tough, it will throw up some incredibly hard things at times to deal with and you will be better equipped to battle your way through those times if you are flexible and non judgmental. I know coz my youngest daughter has a very severe intellectual disability…undiagnosed for 24 years.
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Hi Darnie, What a beautiful comment. Thank you. When you are in the thick of it it is really hard to see the long view. Thanks so much for sharing some perspective and showing some sense and empathy! Made my day. Nicole x
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I don’t have children. My sister has twin boys who she put in day care when they were 1.5 years old. They attend day care on wed, thurs and fri from 10am to 4pm. My nephews have learnt a lot of good things from daycare and love it. Of course my sister would to love stay at home with the kids but she has to work. She adores her children to pieces.
Whether or not your child goes to daycare isn’t going to matter in a few years when they’re at school. You do what you have to do to get by and that’s all that should matter.
Anyone on here who judges others for their choices needs to eff o.
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Nicely put – let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt, especially when we are ignorant of other people’s motivations and needs. Nx
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As a full time nanny, I’d like to step into this controversial pond of judgment between mothers.
I love my job, and the child I nanny, so dearly. She brings peace and beauty to my life. I have a paradox of emotions towards my job – on one hand, I love it and need it to pay the bills, on the other, I cannot help that feel her mum is really missing out. The moments we share of hysterical laughter, watching her mind grow and learn, playing in the sunshine and creating together, are the definition of magic.
I completely understand the working mothers who do so to pay the bills. But when the second income is there to simply fill your cupboards with gucci shoes and shower your child with yet another branded and useless “thing”, I do have to wonder, how things could possibly be more important than people.
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@Jane I absolutely agree. My little one IS the definition of magic, as you say. And I couldn’t stand the thought of someone having all those “magic” moments without me. I’ve often said I feel so bad for my husband who has to miss out on all that so he can provide for us!
I think more mothers (the ones as you mentioned who only return to work for material reasons) shold think themselves LUCKY that they have the opportunity to have the wonderful children they do. There are PLENTY of women out there who cannot have kids but would cherish them so much more..
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I think Mums need to get beck into the workforce sooner rather than later. It is really easy to become disconnected from the working world and completely lose your confidence. We had three daughters very close together. I worked part time after my first one was born and my sister cared for my baby while I was at work. Once number two and three came along working was impossible. Now that my last child has started school I have been out of the workforce for so long that my experience and qualifications probably stand for very little. I think staying connected in some way to your work is vital. Particularly if it is something you want to continue doing. Daycare or no daycare what most studies on attachment have found that the quality of the parental relationship is important not how much time a child spends in day care. So give each other a break. We need to be supportive of each other.
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I get what you are saying but want to throw in a BUT…as a mother who works and has a wonderful nanny looking after my little boy…I get that I may miss out on some things, but I also am excited when I’m with my little one and treasure what I do get to see and enjoy and make it a point to play with and LOVE my time with my son. I think (and this is about me – not what is right for others) that if I was with my son full time, I wouldn’t be happy so although I’d be there for those moments, I wouldn’t enjoy them like I do now and perhaps there would be less laughter all around. He’ll laugh with the nanny and learn with the nanny – and yes, I’ll miss it – like I won’t be there when he learns things in school…but this doesn’t mean that he won’t laugh with me and that I won’t see him discover things either. I like that he has other people in his life who adore him..what’s so bad about that?
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I agree with some of the comments here that some women have to stop being so judgemental. Every woman’s situation is different and everyone has a right to make a choice of their own. I grew up overseas in a place where working mums are a norm. Most kids are either looked after by the grandma or a nanny. My mum went back to work and I was looked after by my grandma for the first 5 yrs of my life. Oh, I forgot to mention that my mum worked in a different country where my grandma lived. Mum and dad only visited me once a year in the first 5 years. And when I was told by grandma that I had to move to live with my parents, I asked her: “who is mum and dad??”. Because of that personal experience, I was totally against letting other people care for my child when I have my own (including grandparents). I knew for sure that I wanted to be a full-time mum for the first few years. We had our little boy nearly 2 years ago now. I took 2 years maternity leave from my job and was thinking of quitting altogether after the mat leave ended. However, just slightly a year into my mat leave, I was going crazy being a stay at home mum!!! I couldn’t cope with motherhood and felt like a complete failure of not being able to deal with a toddler that threw tantrums!!!! I asked to go back to work earlier as I needed my sanity back! To me, I admitted that it was the easy way out. So, I am now working 3 days a week and my son is in daycare on those days. He is a happy little chap and growing up fine! I am a happy mother and reckon I have found some balance in my life. I love being a mum now!! I must say it is hard juggling work and motherhood. It is definitely not an “easy way out” However, I think that’s still the best thing for me. Other women can disagree and call me selfish etc. But who cares what they think! It is me who has to live my life, not them!! So to all mums out there, working or stay at home, be proud of your decision and do what is right for you!!
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Free babysitting? Send them to SUnday School for a couple of hours. Good morals, socialising, music, craft, and it’s FREE!
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Ok, let’s start with a name clarification! We all benefit from QUALITY EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION. Poor EC experiences lead to poor outcomes- whether with a parent or professional. Only when we stop the crap about making parents feel guilty ( why is it only mothers given the guilt trip?) andwe start resourcing, educating and financing EC educators properly will get what our children deserve. Provide high quality and let families decide what works for them. When people publish crap like this , I want to throw a tantrum. ( by the way , tantrums are normal – in toddlers and does not mean there is anything wrong with them! ( ok , now I’ve got that off my chest I can relax)
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One thing I have to wonder about in this article is the premise that a stay at home Mum does so to “protect them (children) from the world.” Hmmmmm.
Don’t get me wrong. I grapple with whether or not to return to full-time out of the home work on a regular basis too. Neither is an easy choice for me. That’s okay. It’s okay if it is an easy choice to go back to work. It’s okay if it’s an easy choice to stay home. The judgement (which I’m still wiping out of my brain cracks after reading that article) is not appropriate in any scenario. Love your children the best way you can, whatever that looks like, right??
That being said… that premise… Protecting them from the world. This may be the motivation for somebody to stay home, but it is a very broad brush used to paint the picture of a stay at home Mother in general. Quite the opposite of the motivation described, my ultimate choice to stay home stemmed from a desire to give my children the opportunity to explore the world at it’s fullest! Not to “protect them” from it.
I take them to exciting and stimulating places on a routine basis, to explore and examine, study and question, test boundaries and grow. And it’s not holding on to a rope with eighteen other children on a rare, occasional field trip. Using the logic in the article, it would seem to me that a child in full time daycare would be more “protected” from the outside world (outside the daycare center) than a child who experiences things with their parent on a daily basis.
Of course a frustrated SAHM/F who didn’t leave the house but for “mindless chores” (ouch, that one hurt) would probably offer less than a daycare center. I totally agree a happy-mum less, is better than grumpy-mum often. Don’t assume all SAHMs are grumpy in their role. Or that all working Mums are thrilled about it and come home basking in the glory of their professional accomplishments. What I’m saying is, I could have written that paragraph using my history, of my working Mum who came home stressed and exhausted, for the opposite argument. (Not that we don’t all have our moments, on both sides of the fence.)
This works for me, I enjoy teaching them and I’m good at it. They are very well socialised, they are constantly interacting with other children. I look at that as part of my job. If i didn’t enjoy it, if I were anxious and stressed, and creating a household of that bad energy for my children to pickle in, or if the career I left behind were wildly fulfilling, my picture would look very different. I would certainly seek out help in offering them the best early education I could provide. And I wouldn’t judge others for making a different choice. Bunch of meanies.
As far as the math goes, yes. We would be financially more comfortable if I were to go back to work full time. And I feel guilt about that. I am jealous of my old colleagues who’s careers have advanced in the 5 years I’ve been out of the loop. I’m fearful of re-entering the workforce after making this choice. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I’m proud of the work that I’m doing. Even some of the ‘mindless chores’ give me a feeling of accomplishment that I’m taking care of my family in a different way than I would were I working. Even though I may have those chores beneath me during my professional life. The happy fact is, I manage to remain intelligent and valuable, even as I fold laundry.
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I love my son’s daycare. We have such fantastic and lovely staff, and I am so ever thanlkful to them. I am taking an early exit from my teaching course and looking for casual/part time work now so I send my son to daycare for 3 days a week instead of 5. I just miss him so much and love to have him home, but unfortunately I am not very creative when it comes to childplay..so he ends up watching TV, making cupcakes and do some painting with me. But at his daycare he has been learning so much more, it’s amazing.
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All the mother bashing that is going on is really sad. I fully support that everyone has and truly believes their opinions but that does not mean you can or should judge or belittle someone because theirs doesn’t fit yours. In the end, what on earth makes any of us more qualified as mothers than another. Why is parenting so hyper-competitive?
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My daughter went into childcare at 10 months old, two days a week (she is now 19 months old). I feel guilty that I’m not at home with her all the time but I know I would also feel guilty if I didn’t work and go to uni, because I want her to know that she can do these things when she grows up and I want to contribute to our family income.
At the end of the day I would LOVE for her to be looked after by her grandparents or by a nanny like all the children in my mothers group, but her grandparents all still work full time and a nanny is so much more expensive than childcare.
Overall I’m happy with our work/life balance because I’m home with her more often than I’m not. I wish mums would just relax when it comes to this topic! Putting your baby in care is never an easy choice.
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So many people here have said that their choices ‘work for their family’, but I would disagree with this as the basis for sending a child to childcare. The research does show that childcare is not the best environment for young children. So just because ‘it works for you’ doesn’t meant it’s be best thing for your children. And the notion that childcare is valuable because it socialises children is pure nonsense and implies that children of SAHM/F aren’t socialised. How exactly is dumping your child in with 20 other children of the same socialising them ? Learning survival of the fittest more likely. I do realise that everyone is entitled to make their own choices about childcare, but that doesn’t mean I have to support or agree with them if I believe it is wrong, and in most situations I believe daycare is the wrong choice.
I also disagree with the notion that happy mum = happy children. What child could seriously be happy about being in full time child care while their mum is off being so terribly ‘happy’ with her career and never see her. People use that statement to give mothers a license to do whatever they please.
People always say they feel guilty leaving their child at childcare – maybe there is a reason for this and it’s their conscience telling them that they shouldn’t be doing it. When it comes to raising your children, there is no substitue for the parents. I wouldn’t trust a daycare centre to do my job for me.
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Thank you Claire for your post. 100% agree wiith all you said, even though other mothers obviously feeling the guilt mother pull have ripped me to shreds for feeling & thinking the same way.
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We’ve talked about this passive aggression!
Please stop it.
I don’t send my kids to child care- so no guilt here. But I still intensely dislike what you say and more importantly, the way you say it.
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Natasha’s post didn’t even make sense to me – was she truly agreeing of having a go?
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Claire – I agree with you. I have tried to articulate the same thing as you but have been ripped to shreds. At the end of the day if someone else is looking after your baby and spending more time with them then you are then you need to question your priorities as a parent. Mother guilt, mothers feel it for a reason,
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Claire, women don’t ‘always’ say they feel guilty. I sure as heck don’t and if you read the comments many here don’t.
I also don’t think you’ve ever met a truly unhappy SAHM. I can assure you I would have rather see my miserable mother a bit less and have her have something else that made her feel fulfilled.
And finally, what the heck is wrong with teaching a child the concept of survival of the fittest? I don’t think its the same as socialisation and a separate issue, but I also think that some of the less pleasant things children learn in child care are very important things. It is your role as a parent to then help them deconstruct it, find their way in it, stand their ground etc. But I don’t have any issue with them experiencing ‘survival of the fittest’ as you put it.
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Natasha, let’s drop the judgment. Thanks
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I’m a speech pathologist and as part of my job I both a) visit a lot of day care of all shapes and sizes regularly and b) have a bit of an expertise about social skills, given that us speechies (as well as a lot of other allied health workers) provide assessment and therapy for issues in these areas, and I would like to disagree with your statement about socialisation in these settings. While there is only a small amount of evidence to suggest that putting your children in day care makes the BETTER socialisers, I have witnessed a great deal of fantastic opportunities in which children in these environments have got to learn a lot about social mores and even how to problem solve when something goes wrong. In the scheme of children’s social development I have no reason not to believe such experiences wouldn’t be valuable, and it’s definitely not a survival of the fittest, lord of the flies type situation. And I have yet to see anywhere or anyone that implied the child of a SAHM/F was unsocialised. This isn’t an either/or situation, there are different levels of how socialised a child can be. While I respect your opinion and have no notion of changing it, I wanted to weigh my experience and professional opinion against the things you have said, because you paint a very dark picture of a place where I see a lot of children’s development being supported and nourished. There are positives to both sides of this argument.
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Can I ask you ClaireC, as you seem to have such strong opinions on the subject – do you have children? Or have you had first hand experience of the childcare industry?
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Making generalisations on topics like this is rarely useful. Some parents are better than others. Some childcare centres are better than others. Some kids respond better to different types of activities than others.
Unless you are living my life, you can’t possibly know what is best for my kids or my family, and to suggest you do is rather arrogant. This is not a black and white topic.
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I completely disagree with you Claire. My sister fell pregnant with twins at 23 soon after getting married. After 1.5 years, she put them in day care so she could to backto work as her husband, a chef, could not support the 4 of them despite working two jobs. Some women put their children into day care because they don’t have a choice. I’m sure if she could choose, she would stay at home. It’s not fair for you to judge.
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@clairec totally agree… I’ts not so much that these people put their kids in care, it’s the hiding behind rubbish excuses for doing so. I have my daughter in care 2 days per week but I will cop to the fact that I just want a couple of days a week where I can work, because I enjoy it.
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My daughter went into care at 6 months because I had to go back to work due to financial pressures and we were flat out broke. There was no other option. I could of chosen to say I am not going back and put all that extra financial burden onto my husband but where would that of left us – never seeing him at all. And struggling financially is not fun and puts so much pressure on a family. My daughter started in family day care and she moved into a long daycare at 18 months. She is doing really well. We limit her time there and she is doing really well. We made our choices on what is best for our family.
I find very upsetting with the amount of judgment being dished out on this post. Every child and family is different.
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I am a SAHM. I would dearly LOVE to place (dump, bung, fling, fire out of a cannon) my children into daycare for a day or two a week. Can’t afford it. Sigh. It’s been 7 years at home and we’re all sick of looking at each other .I would love a chance to miss my children.
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Love your sanity – clearly you have a wondrful sense of humour to pass on to your kids!
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Agree with exactly what Elky said! Hilarious.
Nicole x
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I’m sorry but this post is awful
You made your choice to have those children. You should miss them even when you are staring at them. There are women out there who cannot have kids (or have more kids) who would LOVE the opportunity you have to watch these people grow and develop!
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Sorry Michelle, I don’t miss them when I’m staring at them. I love them, I look after them, but I’m only human. I totally agree with the article when it suggests that a happy mother is a better mother. As it stands, I’m pretty grumpy and tired a lot of the time, and a day of respite a week would do me (and them) a world of good.
I know there are many women out there longing for children, and that is very sad.
But it doesn’t change my reality. I try to be honest about the difficulties of mothering, in the interest of supporting (and being supported by) other mums on this site. Obv I would never go onto a fertility blog and bang on about how my children drive me batty.
Also, the post is supposed to be humorous. That is how I like to make a lot of my points on Mamamia- with a good dash of hilarity. Because if you’re not laughing, you’re crying.
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My sister and I had our babies 6 weeks apart at the end of 2010. I’m a SAHM. My sister, on the other hand, went back to work when her son was 6 months old. Each of us has done what worked for us. And each of us has a happy, healthy, social little boy on our hands. I think it’s sad that mothers feel the need to attack others to justify their own position. Do what works for you, make the most of the situation, and don’t judge others for their choices.
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I couldn’t agree more. I’m all for pluralism. The choice you make doesn’t negate someone else’s choice and shouldn’t be a comment on someone else’s choice.
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I strongly believe that it is quite possible for children to thrive or be neglected in both a childcare and a SAHM setting. Having been an early primary school teacher for over 10 years I have seen quite a diverse range of family and parenting styles that support my theory.
I do find this article infuriating. Is it not possible to simply outline all the positives you see about your own personal choice of parenting without having to resort to attacking any other choice that’s different to yours?
My oldest daughter didn’t enter any form of formal childcare until she was 4. During that time she was cared for by myself 80% of the time. The rest of the time was spent with either my mother or my husband. She just finished her first year of prep and her teacher spent most of the term 1 interview telling us how mature she was and what excellent socialising skills she had. She said it was very unusual to see a child that age interacting in groups and with other children with that level of maturity. I’ve never understood the concept that a 2 year old child must be put into a large group of other children the exact same age in order to be ‘socialised’. The ‘society’ I live in has a diverse range of people of all ages.
Please don’t assume that my daughter was sheltered and protected at home by a doting, grumpy mother who felt the need to intervene with every ‘toy snatching incident’.
Sometimes my daughter would spend a couple of hours in the out clinic for cancer patients waiting for my mothers next appointment. Sure she could have been spending the day finger painting and singing nursery rhymes with other 3 and 4 year olds. Instead, she was drawing pictures with a middle aged woman with no hair and discussing her favourite colours with an elderly man in a wheelchair. On the long drive we home we were able to talk about the reasons why the lady had no hair as oppose to the reasons that Daddy has no hair. I’m not sure which scenario I would call ‘sheltered’.
I also have two little boys under her and value the time we’re able to spend having morning tea with my two 80 year old aunties followed by doing whatever exploring they felt like in the garden. They’ve got the rest of their school lives to be trapped in a group of children of the exact same age day in and day out. I think it’s just as important and possible to socialise children with other people of all ages. It is quite possible to learn socialising skills from people who are already socialised. I love and appreciate the fact that we have the choice to do whatever we feel like doing on most days. A trip to the museum or a day at the beach. I completely understand not everyone has that choice or wants to follow that path. There’s more than one way to parent. Either one can turn out successful and happy children.
As a sidenote I’ve also managed to keep my career that I love on track.
Now off the computer to do some mindless chores. They make me so darn grumpy!
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Wonderful response!
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Well said
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Two things: 1. note the question marks in my post, denoting a question rather than a statement or judgement, 2. This is a post about me, and mindless chores do make me grumpy, if you like chores good for you, if you are happy and able to be at home 24/7, be happy and grateful. And try some empathy for others not as lucky as you rather than become aggressively defensive at someone’s different personal thoughts, experience and questions.
Nicole
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So does staying at home and keeping our kids ‘protected’ from the world, ease our own anxieties while our children never properly learn to trust their own judgement?
Yes I did note the question mark. Maybe I’ve misinterpreted this sentence. It seems to me like you’re asking if this would ease our own anxieties, whilst stating that a child at home would never properly learn to trust their own judgement. I interpreted that as a negative generalisation you were making about children at home full time.
Using the word ‘sheltered’ in a negative way to describe children at home is something I find very frustrating. Again, maybe I’ve misinterpreted your use of the word.
I never said I was at home 24/7. I also thought that I was pretty clear in my comment that I do appreciate the choices we’ve been able to make.
I’m confused about why you’re telling me to have empathy for others. I mentioned twice in my comments that I think children can thrive in both full time childcare and SAHM settings. I didn’t say anything negative about parents who have children in full time childcare. In fact, I was pretty sure I went in to bat for them. I’ve seen so many children who have come through full time childcare and SAHM settings and hit the ground running at school.
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Hi Mary,
I acknowledge you were relatively balanced in your opinion on daycare or not. My disappointment stems from you accusing me of “attacking” choices different to my own and of “assuming” something about you and your daughter, and collectively all parents that have not selected daycare. This is not the case. I do believe you have misunderstood me. The question marks did denote a question not a statement or assumption about people I don’t have any knowledge of. Also the context shows I am questioning from both sides.
I did not mean to infuriate you or any other mother who has not utilised daycare, it was an inward looking article referring only to me and my own childhood and children.
I hope this helps you to understand my initial response and works to alleviate your fury,
Nicole
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Mums may be interested to read the works of Professor Sarah Blaffer Hrdy (most recent book “Mothers and Others”, some talks available on you tube). Briefly:
Attachment theory developed by psychiatrist, John Bowlby, in the 1950′s and adopted by many as the gold standard of early childhood development was developed by studying a genus of primates that were very different to humans in a particularly important area. These primates do not allow others to look after their babies. However, the primates to which humans are most closely related allow others to look after their babies from a very early age. The practice developed to ensure the survival of babies should something happen to the mother, amongst other things.
The professor’s works make interesting and often enlightening reading for mums about the evolution of mothering and why we do what we now do. They are very easy to read.
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When my boys were little we lived in France where about 95% of women work full time. Our tiny village had a creche as did every village in the country. Every creche charged the equivalent of $2.50 an hour as the price was set by the government. This included a hot breakfast, lunch and dinner.I used the creche to immerse my kids in the French language and because I wasn’t working was obliged to donate 2 hours a week volunteering in the creche. I loved the whole experience as did my children.
The whole creche system is to encourage women and men to stay in the work force as long as possible so is set up to cater for families. EG: the hours are 7am to 7pm and kids can be dropped off in pyjamas if need be. Not once in my weekly mothers group did anybody ever debate childcare versus stay-at-home mums and we were a motley group of French and international mums who were both working and SAHM. We loved the choices we had and we considered ourselves very lucky to be well supported in our community.
I returned to live in Australia and was horrified at the lack of government support for working and stay-at-home mums. My daughter’s childcare in Sydney was overcrowded and under-funded so she wasn’t there very long.I could not find a suitable replacement in the area we were living.
Now living in Singapore(another country that has a high proportion of working women),my fourth child attends an amazing childcare centre and the kids can start proper school at 3.
It is interesting to see how other countries approach child-care and it is certainly reflective of the government and their support of women in their respective communities.
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Hey
I’m french so I’m familiar with the creches, but what surprised me in your post was the mention of mother’s group…I had this idea they only existed in my TV screen, on american soaps. Does this really exist in france? mothers group? It really doesn’t strike me as something anyone would know about around here…
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It was organized by a small group of ‘english speaking’ people in our region.It was originally set up to teach our kids English nursery rhymes and to give them an opportunity to play in English but I think the mums actually loved it more as a rare excuse to chat in english.
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Great post. So interesting to see how they manage childcare in other countries.
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That’s really interesting seachange. Thanks for your comment!
It shows how far behind we are in terms of child care in Australia.
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My friends are in the Emirates, and school starts at 3 there too. Their son LOVES it. Uniform and all!
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I’m disgusted at how judgemental people can be! Why can’t people just accept each others decisions and mind their own business. Every family is different and are free to make choices that suit them. I’m sick of the us versus them attitude with SAHM & working mums. Get over it and do what suits you and stop judging!
I’m a mum of one who goes to Child Care 2 days, I work in Child Care. It makes me sad that on my days off I gave up going to Playgroup as majority are SAHM who would give me the 3rd degree about working, I don’t feel guilty and refuse to let others try.
I’m pretty laid back, but have to say the picture did bother me slightly, to have it linked to a Child Care article, we cop it enough in the media & all we do is educate, help & love your children, disrespectful to our profession probably sums it up.
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I’m glad my mum worked. I was in daycare when i was about 2 on and off for years i got sent to kinder and school early and as a result completed my Bachelor of Arts at 19. I loved my mum when she was at work she was more interesting and fun. As there were more of us she only worked as a temp and i remember the day she got fired for staying home with sick me, because she was also pregnant again. The sad thing is every time i try to tell her this she gets defensive as though she feels bad but i just keep wanting to tell her how glad i am that she was a sometimes working mother.
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I know it’s wrong, but that photo is funny!! And isn’t this another hot topic!
I went to family care from about 1 and later to kindy. I am not very well equipped socially. Sure I get along, but feel much more confident in small (i.e. 2 pers.) groups. My brother had similar experiences and is Mr. Sociable!! So there’s a response to those stats.
My 2-year-old has been in part time (18 hrs/week) daycare since she was 9 mths old. For me it feels like the time I get to be just me, I go to work, I exercise my brain and I feel like I’m accomplishing things in life. I am definitely a better mum for it. As for my girl, she loves her carers, she isn’t always keen on going and we’ve had days (after holidays and when dad’s been home from work) where she’d get upset about being dropped off. But overall, she really loves it. The way I see it, it’s her social and creative outlet. At day care she gets to do things that I haven’t got the creativity nor the time to start with her. When she’s at home with me we’re either running around getting shopping, going swimming or visiting my friends, or I’m so exhausted that all I can muster is reading with her or play with her toys with her. There’s always a feel of rushing and ‘needing to get things done’. At day care, while following a schedule, she has time to just be her, learn how to interact with other kids.
I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of leaving her in care for up to 40 hrs/week, but this way works perfectly for us.
I do believe children are different though, I would have possibly gained more from staying at home with my mum in terms of not feeling abandoned (my new born brother got to stay home with mum while I had to go to kindy). We’re all different and have different needs!
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The advice I give to all my friends when they have their babies is “Everyone will have an opinion on everything. Listen to it all and consider it, but in the end just do whatever works for your family.”
Bottom line: Every family is different. What works for one family may be a disaster for another family.
I have a full time job outside the home and have used a mix of grandparents, maternity leave and childcare for my 2 kids. That was what worked for us. I don’t judge SAHMs or working mums who did it differently to me. Your family, your choice.
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Do what you need to do. Not every parent gets to choose what they want they do what they can to get through. Some parents just shouldn’t be parents. I’m starting to see a trend in some topics getting posted that MM know hit the 400+ comments, bumping up the stat sites, conversions, click thrus= advertising bucks. Tomorrow’s hot controversial topic “how soon is too soon for mums to return to work after they have a baby? I know MM will say oh we highlight what is going on in the media and what is important to our community, but sometimes I feel some subjects obviously rile the community boosting the site stats. Business is business but some of these comments are just mean and rude left on to further boost numbers of people getting upset and responding.
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Man there are a lot of people who have incredibly strong opinions about daycare aren’t there? I do find it hard to read all the comments by women whose lives are so perfect they need to tell others how to run theirs.
The more I mother, the more I realise I don’t actually have many answers. But I do know that feeling guilty doesn’t make a difference, it’s just a waste of emotion.
SAHM, full time working mum, all those in between – I hope you’ve found what works for your family.
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I have decided not to read all the comments -just read from Dee of Adelaide up and like all these ones. My kids are almost six and they spent between 2 and 5 days a week in daycare between 8 months and 4 years old. I had to work. We have a modest house and don’t take holidays or spend money on goodies or leisure. My kids are great, happy, well-adjusted and everyone comments on how lovely and happy they are. I loved our day care centre and when we left I wrote them a letter outlining why.
Daycare is nothing like what people imagine – ours was fantastic.
My letter to them (if this helps anyone agonizing over the fact they have to take this path -as I did):
http://keepworkingthroughit.blogspot.com/2011/02/letter-to-our-daycare-centre.html
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Interesting article – Kids in childcare have more temper tantrums and a worse dose of the “terrible twos” than other children, according to an Australian National University study.
If we have been given the blessed opportunity to raise a child lets ensure we love them, and in loving them that means disciplining them, teaching them self control and that there are and will be consequences for wrong actions. Sometimes day-care trains children well but the best people for the job are parents and if both are at work then the day care is raising the majority of the next generation.
The Government supports working mums, but has recently decreased the baby bonus!!! This puts more pressure on mums to work and child care to raise our children. In turn this does not support the family unit/marriage etc… we can’t help but stress and then we teach our children to stress.
Being a mum is a job it just doesn’t pay.
Day care can be a fun outing but all week puts too much pressure on the whole family. It is true that everyone is individual circumstances. But it would be better if there was more support for mums to stay at home and less pressure to day care. A parent wins hands down on loving and wanting what’s best for a child.
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Being a mum isn’t a job, it is something that we volunteer for, most people who have children choose to have children. Payment is the child itself. I didn’t realise the baby bonus had been decreased, but now there is paid maternity leave, that has to be worth more than the bonus?
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Honestly, I just read all these posts, and I’ve read most of them today on my day off, and I have just one thought….most posters need to grow up. It all reminds me of very young women unsure of their decisions and I know there is a wide variety of ages on here. When it comes to child-rearing articles it seems to bring out high school behaviour ‘what do others think? what do they do? how do I compare?’ It is very interesting to hear what others think, to debate choices and be informed. By all means don’t operate in a self-absorbed ‘i am right’ vacuum. But what is missing from the comments is the courage of your convictions. Why are so many women SO unbelievably defensive? Mature, successful confident women reduced to wrecks over child-rearing decisions. It happens in nearly every child-related post.
I know raising a child is probably one of the most important things you will do so the scope for self-doubt is high but the level of defensiveness needs to come down. I’m all for being informed and discussing choices but if the amount of shit you are reading on child-rearing is giving you this level of self-doubt maybe give some of the literature a miss for a bit and go with your gut. Every child and family is different.
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To add in a shorter way: just chill. Chill. Love your children. Do your best. That’s enough, most of the time.
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Good points…
For some (definitely for me) when you are new to motherhood it can be a bit bewildering. Information does fly at you from every direction. It takes time to find your feet and to have courage in your convictions. I have always admired those who can choose a path and blaze through it. Now that I have had number 2 I am hardly bothered by the issues that plagued me the first time round – phew!
I’d be genuinely interested to know if mothers of older children struggle less with this issue – daycare, homecare, working vs SAHM. They’ve made their decision, lived with it (whatever it is) and their kiddies are thriving and happy…
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Yes Charley as I have just said in my post above, my kids all went there and are all great adults now. They are all very different personalities and I can say with absolute conviction that childcare did them no harm. It is such a bewildering journey the first time around and doing what YOU feel is best for YOUR family is the best advice for the long haul! Good luck with your kiddies.
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Happy mum = happy family = happy child = happy mum
Simplistic, I know but it covers most of the scenarios whether there be full time daycare/work/part-time/SAHM/study/etc
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My mother has three children. Me and one brother, who were not put in day care, and our younger brother who was. From six weeks old. Four days a week. Not through choice mind, but because my father killed himself while she was pregnant with him and bills needed to be paid. My youngest brother is all grown up now and is the most lovely, well-adjusted, confident, happy, popular person I know. He’s an absolute delight. If you have to or choose to put your child into care, please don’t fret.
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Thanks Lily, Nx
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My mum worked when my sister and I were kids, part time from when I was about 2 til we were at school and a mix of part time and full time after that. My sister and I went to daycare, pre school, family daycare, grandparent’s houses and after school care. And we have grown up to be well adjusted, smart (my sister was the dux of her school) and all round pretty happy adults.
These articles kind of upset me, because I think so many mums (mine included) don’t have a choice about whether they work or not and already feel guilty without this kind of pressure. Not to mention mums who want to work and feel guilt around that. I feel like I just want to tell them, as an adult who is full of admiration for a mother who had us young, went back to uni and found a job she loves, that as long as you love your kid and take care of them (whatever that looks like) they will be fine. Really, they will.
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I started crying reading this….. My little man has his day care orientation on Thursday and I’m feeling such a mix of emotions! He will be 6 months when he starts. It’s only 2 days a week, but I’m so nervous and sad
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I’m sorry Molly – it is the hardest thing I have had to face so far with the boys, thinking of you xxx
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Thank you wideeydgirl! It’s such a great child care centre and the carers are fantastic, so I know he’ll be fine, but im still going to find it so hard to let him go! There are farm animals there too, which I’m sure he’ll love! Xx
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That sounds gorgeous, he will LOVE the animals! The staff are so key, I’m lucky too as my boy loves his carers and I love them too! When I turn up now to pick him up I often find him dancing, singing or giggling or all 3 at once. Nx
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Oh Molly….thinking of you….tough stuff……
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Molly, my bottom lip quivered all the way through my daughter’s childcare orientation 18 months ago. Had I not been enrolling her due to financial necessity, I would have run like a speeding bullet out of there that day and never returned. But we did return and I can honestly now say my daughter loves equally her 3 days a week at childcare, her weekends with her dad and I and her 2 days a week with me.
Childcare has given her confidence, independance, friends (both the other children and the “teachers”) and exposure to activities far beyond what I could provide on a daily basis.
The first month is tough (on you mainly) on them a little, but with the benefit of hindsight it was a great decision for us. If after a few months it still doesn’t feel OK, consider a different childcare centre.
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Thanks Mia and Mosquitonet! I feel so much better reading (some) of the comments on here. A few comments that people have written are so mean and judgemental though! But I will just ignore those ones, and know that I’m doing what is right for my family xx
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Molly – scroll down and read what Dee of Adelaide says. And take lots of deep breaths.
We’ve all been there.
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Molly, both of you will be OK. The first day is stressful and upsetting – but it gets easier after that for both of you. As you said, it’s only 2 days a week, and he may well enjoy it. It is testament to our wonderful lives in the first world, that one of our major worries is about leaving our child with kind and well-trained childcare workers. Your lovely, healthy baby boy is lucky to have such a caring mum, and he will thrive in daycare as much as he would at home.
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Thanks kateA, that’s so lovely x
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Hi Molly
My just turned 3 year old boy told me before he went to sleep tonight that his favourite days in the week are when he’s at childcare! I was relieved, thrilled and a little heartbroken .. he’s there 2 days a week and the rest of the time at home with me. I take him to music and the park, his dad takes him swimming on the weekends, but no … childcare wins!! I asked him what he loves about it and he said that he likes playing with his friends. So .. I guess the moral of my story is that kids must need some ‘me time’ too! I’ll feel a lot better when I drop him off tomorrow
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I think most mums go through these emotions when dropping their kids off for the first time. However, I am yet to hear a story though where things just went horribly wrong (haven’t read the posts below yet though). There is obviously a reason why you’ve chosen to put your boy in day care, so trust your gut feel and go with it.
I can only tell you my story, your family scenario may be different, but I am absolutely loving the options that day care provides. I work three half days/week. My girl is in care for about 18 hours. She started at 8 months.
She gets to play with a big bunch of kids of different ages. She is exposed to arts and crafts that I can offer her, she gets to learn songs that I don’t know. She is learning to interact in a group setting and is making lots of little friends. She is also taken out of my rushed every day life, having to sit by while I clean, cook or run erands.
Meanwhile I get to have a few days a week to be just me. I get to wrap my brain around non-baby related stuff, I get to have lunch by myself or with other adults, I can read a paper (this will make sense to you when your boy gets more mobile
)
I spent an hour with my girl at her day care the first day we went. The second time my husband and I had a coffee nearby for an hour while the minutes went by SUPER SLOWLY. I’m sure I cried the first time I dropped her off to go to work. And in fact, when she was recently ‘promoted’ from the babies to the toddler room I also cried, they were the same emotions resurfacing. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Allow yourself to feel it all and if it doesn’t feel right there might be an option to go back? But I doubt that will happen. With only going two days of the week your boy will still spend the majority of his time with you.
Gees, quite an essay. Sending you my best, hope it all goes well for you!
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Man, I’ve been a working Mum for most of my three children’s lives. My 12yo just got her school report. She got great grades but the personal comments on the back were what I loved most “Maddison is a kind, considerate young lady who always included others and as a result, was well respected by her peers”.
This is the end result of a child who saw the four walls and playground of a daycare centre from early on. She’s cool, so too my other two boys. I may not be sometimes, because I miss them, but also know it’s good for my mental health to go back and interact with other adults in an adult setting. That’s just me. I don’t judge others for what they do because we are all doing it for our own reasons. Do what suits YOU and your family. Stop comparing and stop judging, it’s unfair.
Great Article Nic xx
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Thanks Bern, I so hope I can look back one day and know it was ok too. And I’m like you, I need that adult interaction too Nxxx
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I’ve been using formal daycare in some form or another since 1989. Bit freaky when I think about that. They’re all individuals and no different really from anyone else.
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I always have a laugh at these posts about the misconceptions many have of working mothers. Most working mothers have been SAHM’s for some period of time, be it a month or a decade. It appears from the comments that many commenting SAHM’s haven’t also tried being a working mum.
For the record:
* I don’t have an LCD, haven’t been on a holiday in a decade, do not live in a remotely salubrious area and I often worry that my car won’t get me from a to b.
*I don’t worry at all that I’m damaging my child. I love my child care centre, I’d love to swap places and spend the day there and send Red Rocket out to work.
* I don’t imagine for once second that if I happened to spend 7 days a week with Red Rocket she wouldn’t hurt herself or be lonely or unhappy. I’m not that good and I don’t hold child care to any higher standard than I could provide myself.
* I don’t ‘dump’ my child. LIke every other working parent I know I limit the time she is there as much as possible, usually to my own or Big Fella’s detriment by leaving early and working at night or making other sacrifices.
*I don’t wish I was a SAHM and I don’t think my child would be in any way happier.
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Dee, you are such a voice of reason. Bless you.
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Best, most sensible post on here!
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Always love your comments, Dee, and this is no exception. I have a red rocket too (actually she is a brown one). She is 10 now, and my god she kicks arse. Didn’t have to ‘raise’ her, more just guide her, that’s all she needed. I am so proud of her but I don’t think I can take any credit for it. She just knew who she was from the getgo. (is that a word?) xx
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I think it is worth noting that this study also found that there was NO adverse effect of childcare on behaviour in centres with a higher carer:child ratio (can’t tell you exactly what ratio, as the full paper doesn’t come out until next month). However, negative (ie no effect) studies are much less likely to be published in journals or picked up by the media, so I can understand why they ran with this angle.
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Very good point. Until you have sat through hundreds of journal clubs, you cannot hope to understand the intricacies of statistical analysis. A clever statistician can make any result sound impressive (For example – childcare centres increase the risk of fatal cancer in children by 50%!! But the numbers might be 2 children not in childcare with cancer, versus 3 children in childcare with cancer …. anyway, hope you get my point!) The media latches onto any sensationalist headline, and forgets about having a look at the paper to see if it is a properly conducted trial with valid results..
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Even after sitting through hundreds of journal clubs I’m STILL never quite sure about stats…..
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Well yes, me too! I have learned however to be very sceptical (and to never enter journal club without a strong coffee!)
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Other research I found was a large study from the US and showed neutral to positive affect of ‘quality’ care, which is defined as less than 30 hours a week and “by carer-child ratio, group size, education level of carers and the “sensitive, encouraging and frequent interactions between the caregiver and the child”. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development (SECCYD). I think it got released in 2010 and controversially also found that children who attended long day care had a slight academic advantage at School. (See “Study shows consistent benefit of early day care”, Reuters, Washington, Fri May 14, 2010) Nic x
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This is my opinion having worked in the early childhood sector as a person who provided resource support to pre school and long day care centres, and as a mother.
Childcare provided in a family setting such as Family Day Care or private home if it is a good one is the best option if we are talking many hours per week.
Pre-school as as an experience and learning situation (socialising , learning to separate, accessing quality play experiences etc) is fine for a couple of days per week. Preferably a pre school which has the same children there, on the same days. A predictable, secure environment.
A long day care centre is, for me, a place of last resort. If you have to use one, try to find one where the staff turnover is low. There is a pretty big burnout rate particularly in the baby rooms.
Accept that there are people who are perfectly happy to have other people parent for them and will drop these children early in the morning and collect them when they have been bathed etc.
Accept that children in long day care will be exposed to more germs. Working parents will send sick children in when they should still be at home because of work pressures.
Accept that some children will be more aggressive as a result of fending for themselves a bit more.
This is not to suggest child care staff are in any way uncaring or unprofessional. It’s just the nature of the situation.
I am not judging working parents. People just need to realise that all choices come at a cost. There is a cost..financial and sometimes mental to staying home and it is hard work. There is also a cost to using childcare..financial and going to work and it is hard work.
Most of us muddle along trying to the best we can but it is worth it to be informed. Thank goodness day care exists for those who truly need it for whatever reason. For most of us, unless you are a world class brain surgeon, parenting is the most important of our roles. Parents need to feel happy that they have made the best choice for their particular circumstances. Little children need to feel secure, wherever they are.The start they get will have a big impact on the person they become. One thing that I can guarantee is that motherhood seems to be all about guilt! Most of us will feel some guilt whether we stay home or go to work. It’s our lot!
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‘For most of us, unless you are a world class brain surgeon, parenting is the most important of our roles.’
Well, my husband and I are both Neurologists and this doesn’t mean our children are not our first priority. We may not be ‘world class’ (whatever that means), but most assuredly would not have got to where we are at without using some care outside of the home. I’m just not convinced that daycare in the context of a loving, happy family is inferior to a SAHM.
Some SAHMs are speaking on this forum as though they are backed up by scientific research (they are not, there are conflicting results) or life outcomes, and assuming a moral highground.
As I have previously stated, I have no problems with women choosing to be a SAHM, and I also see why there is a need to justify this position by denigrating others.
I do not however believe that these SAHMs are better mothers than working mothers. Children of working mothers see their mother as a person outside of the home; they also learn that the world does not revolve around them – rather they are part of a family where each person has their own role, and men and women are equal. Going to work has allowed me to teach my children so much – they know all sorts of science/medicine which we pass on to them, and we can afford to take them to places around the world as well as buying them books and paying for music lessons. We spend every morning, evening and weekend together as well as holidays – and yet my husband and I have wonderful, interesting careers which enrich us as people and parents.
I’m not sorry for my decisions, and I only hope that mothers are not made to feel so guilty that they lose their chance to achieve something beyond their offspring.
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Well, I knew that i would cop flak from this!
Firstly, I didn’t suggest that brain surgeons do not make their children their first priority. I have a family member who is a surgeon and can do surgeries that many others can’t. Maybe it would be wrong to deprive the world of her skills!
Secondly, I don’t know about the other readers you refer to but I was not advocating SAHM’s as the only option.
I worked part time from the early days because I felt it was the right thing for our family and because I was a better mother for getting a break from my children. I just tried to do the best for all of us and learned many things that I didn’t know early on, over the years. My point is that the childcare we choose should be an informed decision. There aren’t enough childcare positions so we have to choose the best from our options, then you can work secure in the knowledge that you’ve made the best choice you can.
I know exactly what it entails to become a neurologist. In my family member’s house previously mentioned, the husband does a lot of the childcare as well as a carer, and extended family. In my case, my husband and I shared child care for 6 months until we could afford to outsource it as he was studying. My children have also had the benefits you talk about and certainly know that men and women are equal. In fact when my husband looked after the children it was as rare as hen’s teeth. They are all adults now.
Well if you are a mother and have never felt guilty about anything, then you are a rare creature. I wish I had that confidence!
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My post wasn’t intended as criticism towards you – I just wish to challenge the assertation that SAH mothering is inherently superior to daycare + family mothering. I think this is generally false.
I also think you are right about your surgeon friend – if we continue to assume the SAHM is superior, society as a whole will miss out on the talents of half of it’s members. I for one do not wish for my daughters to feel that they cannot reach their full potential because it will compromise their role as mothers.
And of course I feel guilt at times – but I try to think about it rationally and only act if there appears to be an objective problem. I feel guilty often about ridiculous things (like not being able to have a bday party for my daughter this year), so I know that it is not always a rational emotion! I do my best for my children, but also for myself, and (hopefully) for society as well. In the end, that is all we can do.
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yes, I think we actually do agree.
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KateA, I knew you were super smart, it’s pretty obvious from your posts (unlike some of the people you’ve argued with).
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I’m not! But thanks for your kind comment
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Here Here Kate!
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Before I read any of the comments….
I am a SAHM for my 18 months old. I have nothing against working mums or people who put their kids in Daycare. I would love to put my girl in daycare for a couple of days a week but I don’t because I choose to work from home part-time and therefore don’t really make enough to justify daycare costs…
ANYWAY…. more about this post. Why is it that so many people use attack as a defence mechanism? I think this post is a tad condescending to SAH mums…. those “grumpy” women always busy with meaningless household tasks, or those “doting parents” that need to “encourage” their poor kids to do everything (because it is assumed that children who stay home don’t do well socially so they have to be pushed into it by their helicopter parents?)…. Nicole, I see nothing wrong with defending your choices or even making clear that it is wrong to criticise people in favour of childcare. But I am sure you don’t have to bully another group of mums with different choices to yours just because a few of them might be self-righteous in their views.
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p.s: is this another one of those posts about mummy issues that Mamamia pumps out to get more comments flowing (more traffic)? lol… you know, like magazines…. the headlines that keep coming back to sell more mags…
)
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Hey Charlie’s Mama,
I think you’re looking at it upside down.
We are a wesbite for women so we discuss issues relevant to women. The posts that tend to get the most comments are about issues women are most interested in and want to talk about.
By your logic, we should run posts about things that women are NOT interested in so that there were fewer comments and less traffic.
That doesn’t make any sense to me……
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Hi Charlie’s Mama, Sorry to appear condescending or god forbid a bully(!?), I was sharing a sincere quandary that I face and I’m speaking from my own personal experience as a child and a mother. When I referred to grumpy Mothers I was referring to myself and my own Mum, I’m envious of Mums that can be fulltime and remain great, happy Mums. Unfortunately I have to be real, that’s not me. And for me personally that has to be a part of the decision to utilise daycare. Nicole x
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I may have missed some of the detail in this, but from my perspective it is not an all or nothing scenario. I am not a “doting” parent who sticks up for my child when she has a toy taken away from her. I have never tried to protect them from the “world”. I have stood next to them while they make friends and I let them fight their own battles to an extent. I think they can get the social benefits without being in daycare and they don’t have to be wrapped in cotton wool just because you are nearby.
And I have been on both sides of the fence at various times. I have dropped them off at daycare and left them with carers at times. I have juggled the universal juggle in all sorts of ways. The guilt and grief are a lot less when you know, in your heart that you are doing your best and you are making sure that you are offering your best to your kids as well.
Also, forget the statistics. Look at your child. My first daughter was a different child when she stopped going to a daycare centre. I realised how tired and overwhelmed she had been once she stopped, but another child at the same centre may be totally unaffected. I know my second child copes a lot better – in fact she seems to be in her own world most of the time and just engages when they are reading stories or singing/dancing so she comes home relaxed and happy.
There are so many considerations and what someone else does is no concern of mine (or yours). I just need to know that I am making the best decisions for our little family.
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let’s see, 3 kids in childcare at $75 per day….. Nope, I don’t think so. DEfinately not financially viable! Besides, I love being ‘at home’ with my kids. Not that we’re ever at home. There’s playgroup, playcafe, storytime, swimming lessons, ballet lessons, nippy gym and just good old visits to the park, the shops and to play with friends. I have very happy, confident, well-adjusted kids. My oldest is having her first week at school and waltzed happily into the never-before-seen classroom waving goodbye as she went. No daycare is working fine for us
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I do find the cost thing a little misleading (not just you, I was just reminded of it).
If you are a high income earner, that is $37.50 per day per child, so $110 ish a day for 3. That gets progressively lower depending on your income.
Child care can be cost prohibitive, it can be a disincentive for families deciding on who works and when. But it rarely costs what people say it costs.
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My son’s childcare is $110 per day. For one child. Not sure where you’re paying $37.50 per child, but can you let me know? And in my experience, the more you earn the more you pay…
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Kevin07, 50% rebate not means tested – talk to someone at the service about paperwork for rebate. Assuming the service is accredited and has a licence.
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Yes, we get it at 50%. Centrelink can help you. And $110 seems very expensive. We have been scouting daycare centres for next year and they mostly range from $70-80 depending on whether lunch is included. Weekly rates are then cheaper again… Hope you are due a big rebate!
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We pay $120 a day! $110 sounds cheap!
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On wait lists for 3 different places – all $110-120/day – must be the going rate where we are as well.
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Kelly you need to get out more so you can learn how to have an informed opinion. There are so many factors to take in to consideration here. I feel lucky and happy that the world has a good mix of people bringing up tomorrow’s generation and not just people with such closed opinions and no life experience.
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Frankly I think up to a certain point, if you can possibly afford it, you should only teach a child about the world from within a big cuddle. little ones shouldn’t have to learn about their place and how to negotiate in a social group or how to tell an adult they fell over and hurt their knee and all the rest that goes along with not getting the individual attention from a sole carer or parent.
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I stay at home with my two year old and three month old. My husband and I both agreed this is what we’d do when we set out to have kids, even though I was earning slightly more than him when we first got pregnant. We want to do it like this and we can afford it, so we are lucky – very lucky. I have to say though, on that point, I think some people must think when I say that, that we are well off and rolling around in piles of disposable income. Not the case. Personally, I think *some* people don’t realise how little you can actually live off and that with a few sacrifices along the way, you can manage on much less than you might think. My husband is a nurse so earns a very modest wage. We are not completely struggling and we pay the mortgage on our little two bedroom home each week, but we have to go without a lot. The kids wear a lot of hand-me-down clothes, I use cloth nappies, we don’t eat out. The house is small, we live in a fairly average suburb and we got rid of the second car. These are sacrifices I am happy to make in order to be able to stay home and raise my kids, as the thought of having to send them to daycare does send me in to a bit of a tailspin. I just don’t think I could do it and I feel lucky that up until this point, I haven’t had to. I did have a good career before I had kids, but I believe when the time is right and the kids are a bit older, I can salvage a bit of it, or do something else all together – jobs of some kind will always be there and one day, I will earn money again. Right now, it just isn’t important to me. Being a mum is. And that’s just how *I* see things.
My first child also died at birth, so I possibly feel very differently than many others may feel about this topic. I won’t ever get to spend a second with my child who died, so I want to make every moment count with the children of mine who are living. This time is so precious and short, I don’t want to miss a thing. I want to raise them, I don’t want someone else to raise them – I make no apologies for that.
We socialise with other SAHM friends with kids and with friends and family during our busy weeks. We’re involved in the local community and we don’t spend all day moping around doing mundane tasks, even though they are of course plenty of mundane tasks that need doing (like washing those cloth nappies, mentioned above). Of course like all mums, I get exhausted and yearn for a break, and at times like those, I stop and consider if a day a week of day care would be the best option for my two year old, but the guilt gets to me and I figure while I’m home and not working, I may as well be the one to stay here and provide the care. I also don’t have the option of grandparents providing the care, as they all work or live too far away.
I do hate to see people be so divisive on this issue though, as like with most things in parenthood, you do what works best for your family. But on the topic of money, I do sometimes think some people could live on a lot less than they think. I’m quite sure that if most people looked at our bank account each week, they’d think me being back at work with the kids in daycare would be the best financial option for my family, but it just isn’t what we want to do, so we tighten the strings to make me being a stay at home mum work.
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Um, ditto what you said!
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You’re right. I think many of us could scale back our lifestyles and therefore afford to be able to stay home. Unfortunately, I know I can live frugally but even then, I am going to have to go back to work eventually if I want to ever be able to buy a house. It sucks. I wish there was a way around it because I truly would choose to stay home with my baby if I could. I hate that it so often comes down to money…
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I’m just going to share my experience, without trying to make judgements on anyone elses!
My girl started at a wonderful centre for 1/2 a day a week when she was 6 months so I could go to lectures. When she was one she started not settling well and the centre suggested two days a week would help her remember what was going on. It worked! She went two days till she was 4 and then 3. They have a qualified early childhood teacher in the pre school room and it has been a wonderful experience for all of us. When my boy turns 6 months next year he will go to the same centre (big girl will be at school). This has worked for my family. I am not a terribly crafty person so I let them do all that at kindy. they spend HEAPS of time outdoors and although I miss my girl I know that I value her more because of the time we spend apart, iykwim.
Edited to add: we never considered having my husband stay at home because a) he can’t breastfeed and I hate expressing, b) he earns about 17x the amount I do, c) I can work from home anyway and d) he didn’t want to and I did. We know two families whose dads stay at home with the kids and I think that’s great, but it was never a possibility for us.
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Just as all the advice in parenting books can’t be taken as gospel, neither can research on daycare or anything else involving people.
Every kid is different, every parent is different and every situation is different. Some will thrive in childcare, some will have negative experiences. Some will love being home with mum, some will hate it.
There is no one rule for all, so all you can do is have a qualitative discussion about your experiences, and listen (without judgement) to what others are going through, or have been through.
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Great comment
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2 children raised at home , 2 i went to work once they hit 4 months. All of them are adults and have teenage children. I would defy any one to pick which ones were in child care etc.
The only comment on family days is my children explaining to my grandchildren that “gran” is a lot nicer when she works, with laughs all around.
I would have loved to stay home and have a relaxed personality to do things with them and not feel as if the walls where squashing me. I was so active when home with them that a friend told me it was almost a miniature playschool.
I used to envy mothers who could stay home and enjoy it, and then some of my stay at home friends envied me out in the work force.
Will we ever just support each other and know that there isn’t a perfect solution.
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I tried to leave oldest child in daycare a couple of times, when she was 6 months old and then again when she was 2, but when push came to shove, I couldnt do it.
I dont judge anyone else’s choice on this, as I dont have a philosophical issue with daycare. I think it is great and the two places that I considered were absolutely amazing. The second time, when she was 2, I was certain that she would love it as they had an amazing programme, and she was a very social little girl.
My head was telling me that it was fine, but my heart wouldnt let me do it. I was lucky that I could afford a nanny, but it really did chew up most of my income, so financially it wasnt the best decision.
In my heart I want my kids to be at home with people caring for them that love them. The killer for me was seeing the babies’ room at the daycare centre and seeing them all lined up in their highchairs eating or sleeping in rows of cots. It just didnt fit with the image in my head of how I wanted my kids to be cared for. This is possibly partly due to the guilt I felt in leaving them at home to go to work. Having a nanny eased my guilt slightly.
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