Baby photo shoots. Not for the faint-hearted.
by STEPHANIE JULIAN
When I was pregnant I ‘won’ a free baby photo session. We’d gone along to a pregnancy and baby expo, where – just quietly – if you think the idea of being pregnant in a big hot room surrounded by a million other pregnant women or new mums and screaming babies with no air flow, no decent place to sit down and prams being driven into the back of your heels for a couple of hours sounds awesome, you’ll be in heaven. Little did I know that every person who filled in a form ‘won’ a free baby portrait.
We took our delicious little bundle along to the photographer’s studio when she was about four weeks old, so we were still well entrenched in the ‘what the hell are we doing’ phase. I’d dressed her up in a crazy combination of what I thought, in my sleep deprived mind, was kind of ‘street adorable.’ There was pink, there was velour, but there were some emo striped tights and comedy shoes to top it off. I also took along a ridiculous hat I’d bought online from China that looked a bit like I’d scalped a tie-dyed Swedish monkey and embroidered a flower on it.
“Isn’t she just ADORABLE?!” burbled the photographer as my daughter scrunched her face into a sunburnt tomato tribute and let forth with her exorcist, head-spinny best wail.
“SO cute!” she said, less convincingly.
I then, I’m ashamed to admit, put my new little baby through the torture of flashing lights, purple satin dropsheets and, shame of all shames, a gold satin nappy cover while the photographer did a go-go gadget arm with a rattly toy in one hand and a massive camera in the other. I know that photoshop can work wonders but I had no faith that these pictures were going to be anything anyone would willingingly look at.
Stephanie with her baby
“Shall we do some family shots then?” the snap-happy girl said in her best ‘I’m so upbeat’ voice.
“No.” I said in my best ‘I’ll be ready to be in front of the camera in another couple of years thanks, when the government heeds my calls for publicly funded botox and lipo.’
“Right, just Dad then is it? Sure! No problem. Do you just want to take your shirt off please Dad?”
At this point my husband (otherwise known as The Viking) looked at her like she’d asked him to slip into some buttless chaps and twirl a couple of plastic revolvers. He then gave me that look that says that he loves me, a lot, but not THAT much. He’s not much of one for getting his gear off in public, and he’s not a huge fan of photos. He only realised that you were meant to smile for photos when I would tickle him before every photo to limber him up a bit.
After our amazing and free photo session we were locked in a small room adorned with photos of actual smiling babies on every wall. Some of the little cherubs were riding on the backs of their shirtless fathers or being held in their muscular, hairless arms, sharing a serene moment of mutual affection. I had plunged Bubba Sass into the general direction of my boobs to quiet her by this stage as we waited for our own angelic images to appear.
The smiley photographer was replaced by the saleswoman who flashed us through a slideshow of our pictures. The best photos had red eyes, tears and clenched fists, the worst had, well they had the ripped purple satin sheet and in one that was meant to have the Vikings hands around Bubba’s feet also had the smiley photographers rogue finger positioning the shot, it looked like the Viking had sprouted an extra, smaller finger and put gold nail polish on it.
The worst thing was that I bought two of those hideous photos. I now have, hidden in the bottom of a wardrobe, a massive picture of my child looking petrified and like she’s lying on a pillow in a brothel and another of her looking like she’s trying to strangle a teddy bear. As we left I said to the Viking, our Mums will still like the photos, we can give them to them for Christmas. Two weeks later we picked the prints up and said, yeah – nobody needs that on their wall.
The picture
I’m pleased to say, I’ve since taken many photos of Bubba, mainly on my iPhone where she looks extremely happy and not at all like the little girl from Poltergeist. And they were all free. I’ve even managed to do a few self-portrait shots of her and I which, thanks to the free filters you get on apps nowadays, are pretty good too. Still working on catching the Viking shirtless, hairless and giving the baby a piggyback ride though.
A nicer picture of Bubba
This post was originally published on Stephanie’s blog here.
Flick through our gallery of baby photoshoots gone wrong…
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- Embarrassing pregnancy pictures
Stephanie Julian is a Melbourne-based Kiwi writer. She blogs and tweets as Sassmouth Mama here and here.
Comments
36 Comments so far
I got photos taken of my daughter when she was 2 weeks old and they are brilliant. I hadn’t thought of doing it, but then I friend of mine basically told me I had to or I would regret it forever, and I’m so glad she did. I had a great photographer. She came to our house to do them, and it took half a day because Miss A wouldn’t cooperate, but she was fine with it. She got pooed on and weed on, as did her backdrops. She was fine with me stopping to feed her whenever she needed. Generally it was just a lovely experience, and we got some lovely photos. They are plain and simple. Just my daughter in the nude or wrapped in a scarf. They show the beauty of a newborn baby, and don’t try to flash it up with crazy props. I’m so glad I had them done, pity you didn’t get the same experience. Although I paid a fair bit for mine, and I guess you get what you pay for.
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There are a few very fantastic newborn photographers out there that don’t make your child look like a fairy. NEVER get sucked into the free photo business…YUCK, so tacky!
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I couldn’t do it. They seem so cheesy! Like engagement photography sessions….I dont get the point of it at all!
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This article and the pics had me laughing out loud. Funny photos, too.
Luckily, my best mate is married to a photographer who snapped a bunch of lovely natural shots hanging out in their backyard and then popped them onto a disc for us. Nice. I don’t think I could ever do the studio thing…
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What a hilarious post!
I agreed to one of those “free photo session” in the shopping centre and only after I realised I had to pay for the actuall photo, which I don’t get to choose. So they chose which photo I will receive and it’s of course the worst photo.
It was very rushed and quick quick, so I didn’t turn out really nice, also there is too much white on the picture, just way too unnatural, but I didn’t see it coming. So I also thought I better keep snapping photos at home from my own camera and phone…
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As a kids and family portrait photographer, I can say I completely understand Stephanie’s and some of the ladies comments here, response to “free” baby photographs.
I’ve worked both end of the scale. For a studio who did in hospital newborn photography where it was all about the sale. Whilst I loved, loved, LOVED photographing gorgeous newborn babes, I hated the post shoot sales pitch to a poor mum who was recovering from, only hours ago, intensive labour! That job didn’t last long.
Much nicer for both me and the clients is in home, documentary style shoot where I join the family for a couple of hours trying to catch them on film/digital doing what they do best, being a family and loving each other. No cheesy poses, no matchy matchy outfits and certainly no tacky purple satin!
Yes, family portrait photography is not for everyone, and with the iPhone’s camera being what it is today, snapshots are lovely. But for a memory created by a professional, that can capture the everyday life and love of your family, it’s worth it IMHO.
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The ridiculous headbands and dads with their shirts off I see on our local photographers Facebook page were enough to make me decide not to do it. Give me home shots taken by someone who knows and loves them any day.
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I wouldn’t call it a glamour shoot but we had a professional photographer come to our home & take some truly gorgeous shots of our 11 days old son. No flashes. No costumes. Just the tenderness and innocence of a newborn wrapped in the loving arms of his mother and father. I’ve never regretted this. The shots are unlike anything we could have done ourselves. .
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I wish I’d thought of this too! I’ll definitely know for next time, nice, patient and professional photographer means YES; scary flashes, satin anything and overbearing salesperson means – run for the hills.
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YES! I had this experience too! The shoot took 4 1/2 hours when it normally takes 2 because my little one wouldn’t sit still. But that was ok. It was all about being natural and it was definitely a great decision.
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I just don’t get the baby headband thing at all. I cringe when I see pics of babies with no hair wearing those tacky monstrosities.
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They remind me of the ribbon you sometimes see wrapped around an Easter egg!
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I had a friend, who is a photographer, take some really lovely pictures. No props, just beautiful natural light. They are just so lovely and I’d get her to take pics again in a heartbeat.
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Thank god someone called out this horrendous practice! Anne Geddes should be ashamed for creating this concept that could only be described as baby porn.
I had to sit through an album of my friend’s 3 week old dressed as a pumpkin; in a bucket; in wooly bloomers; on Dad’s chest complete with his tacky Bali Mauri tattoos (he’s A Scot – go figure). This cost them 2 grand. Oh, and baby is asleep in all of the pictures.
I got a referral from their photographer the other day. I’m giving it a miss.
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I think much alike anything – an informed decision should be made. People generally take time to choose a wedding photographer and people should take the same time to choose a family/baby photographer.
Taking pictures on your iphone is all well and good- i just hope people print them and pop them in an album otherwise what’s the point- you lose the photos and boom they’re gone. Family photos are also a little difficult to take when one parent is inevitably holding the camera.
The thing is there are photographers and fauxtographers. Choose someone because their work resonates with you.. not because they have a free voucher in a baby bag.
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We used a voucher from a Bounty bag and loved the pics but couldn’t afford to get any more than the free one that came with the package (and it’s tiny), love how they reel you in then tell you the cost AFTER you’ve seen the pics. Ended up getting a photographer friend to do some pics for us when bubs was about 9 months old (with mates rates).
On another note, Steph I think we worked for the same mag in London, you left just after I started but I think we have some mutual friends (including the half-Chilean booze hag Londoner from credit control). I was in Production. Good times!
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That’s me! Such a small world. Drop me a line at steph@sassmouthmama.com so I can figure out a face to the name. Glad you got a nice pic out of the freebie deal!
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I’ve had a few photo shoots with my little one, and thankfully they’ve all been great experiences. They weren’t super expensive and although we have 1,000s of iphone photos and camera snaps, it’s nice to have some beautiful, professional pics to look back on as she gets bigger.
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Love love love this, so funny I have tears from laughing so hard! Such a fresh, witty story!
Keep up the great work!
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That’s the funniest thing I’ve read for ages. I was actually giggling. I have a much “loved” photo of my 22 year old daughter (aged 6 months) complete with lace parasol and fake carnations – none of which I asked for. It cracks me up every time I look at it.
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This reminds me of a funny story. When my best friend got married, she hired a photographer off eBay because, frankly, they were on a budget and he was cheap. He rocked up on the morning of the wedding to get some ‘getting ready’ shots of us. After a few false starts he began snapping away, but something seemed a bit off. We put up with it but after about half an hour he looked really stressed so my friend asked if there was a problem.shame – faced he announced that he was actually a forensic photographer for the police and didn’t really know how to take photos of ‘breathers’ and that while he thought it would be a doddle, he was finding it difficult. Suffice to say, it went rapidly downhill – he missed the shot of the kiss, was genuinely angry when he wasn’t catered for at the reception, made free of the bar, got horrendously drunk, insulted the brides mother and didn’t get a single shot that was in focus. Friends were devastated but got enough good shots from other guests that they let it go.
Flash forward two years and the happy couple are celebrating the birth of their daughter. They hired a photographer to come to the hospital for shots but on the morning of the shoot, the booked photographer is struck ill. Instead he sends a colleague to do the shoot. Imagine the horror when the ill fated wedding photographer walked through the door. He was duly dismissed and a standard pixi foto it was.
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My best friend had one done when her son was a newborn. He proceeded to poo everywhere the minute they took off his nappy. She has never been so embarrassed in her life!
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We too got a “free” shoot.. HahHa .. Cheapest package was $900 big ones we were entitled to a free picture then any others we had to pay for.. Well we got 4 prints in total ( 1 was meant to be free/ some how we swindled a 2nd freebie) the other 2 cost me a fortune and we had to endure slide shows with cheesy music ( which was really awkward) and to be honest we too have got countless better family and mum and bub shots off my stinking phone.. Next bubs will not be drawn into these shenanigans.. Oh well you live you learn and never want to listed to Robbie Williams “angels” Ever Ever again!
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Yes, I have the “fairy photos” of my daughter, taken at the local Westfield and they were overpriced rubbish. My mother was not impressed.
I have always avoided the family photo fundraiser at school, mainly because it always seems to the be photo that is flashed up on the tv or the newspaper when something really terrible has happened to a family.
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I paid for a professional photographer to come to the hospital when both my babies were only 2 days old and I am so glad I did! They are natural, gorgeous shots and at a time when my brain was like fairy floss and all the pics (3) my husband took are hideous, it was wonderful to have someone else capture ‘the glow’…and the love. They are some of my fave pics – of me and of my bubs. The trick is using a photographer who uses natural light and knows their way around a camera!
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Be aware that the photography industry is full of nasty pressure sales tatics and sometimes corrupt behaviour.
Baby photographers will often use the tatic where, after the ‘free’ photo shoot, they will threaten to destroy your photos if you don’t buy them. While this seems a ridiculous threat to some, it does get a lot of people.
Do not ever sign a direct debit form for any of them – it will take them forever to cancel the direct debit, all the while sucking out your money (the Fitness First tatic)
So few people can take a good photo (composition wise) it would be nice to get some good looking photographs or your lovely baby – espeically when you are in the picture too. But too often the photography industry has not worked ethically in my opinion
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There are heaps of cheap and nasty photographers doing this style and people should steer well clear. There are also a host of well meaning mums with good cameras trying to make a buck in this space, sometimes with equally cringeworthy results. But there are also amazing, talented, professional photographers that capture the moment beautifully and create gorgeous keepsakes. I had my babies photographed by one of these and it meant I could keep my hit and miss shots to a minimum. I’d do it all again!
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The baby glamour shot is nothing new, been around for decades. Pixi photos cornered the market for a while, are they still around?
Different props over the years but all equally as tacky.
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Other than the school photos (and I always buy the Cheapskate Pak) I’ve never paid for professional pics of our kids. I much prefer day to day happy snaps. Even if they look a bit munty, even if the light is dodgy and someone is squinty. That’s life and that’s what I want to remember. My kids are people, not works of art.
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Even though she’s ridiculously cute, KDot has unfortunately inherited my complete lack of photogenics (photogenicity??). Digital photography is a godsend – just snap snap snap until we get something with eyes open, looking in the vague direction of the camera, in focus, not moving. That’s how we did the kindy photo last week – just go through on the computer and find a good one!
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That’s exactly how I do it too. I rapid-fire about 50 photos at once and cull the blurry, pukey, crying ones.
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I used the Pixi foto voucher out of the baby bounty bags and that was good. I got it at about 6 months, and the free one was the first shot, which is of me holding her on my lap – the photographer did a really good job on it. I also lashed out and bought another nice one, but the pressure was on a bit!
Now we’re at daycare, $27 for a class photo and a bunch of single pics is all I’ll be doing, I think. I’ve got two awesome photos and the memories for when she’s bigger.
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I took my two girls to one of those shopping centre photographers with the full intention of buying a package anyway. Cue the dorky backwards hats and our ‘free’ photo was one where one of my girls has her eyes half closed. Can’t say I’d go back. Having said that, we did get some good photos out of it which do hang on our wall. And the dorky ones are on the fridge which gets a giggle every now and then
I also get great photos off my iPhone and even had one made into a canvas print.
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That is the funniest piece ever!! And so true! If I see one more baby shoved into brown woven cocoons, or naked on their tummy with a crown on I will have to poke my eyes out! Just use the ol’iPhone and get pics of them being kids! Thanks for the giggles!!
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Oh my, this made me really laugh! The picture of your gorgeous girl lying on that tacky satin sheet is priceless!!!!!!!!
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This has been around for years – my kids (now in their twenties) have similar (awful) pictures. I too ‘won’ free sessions and then they work on you to buy the pictures. I laughed at your description of the little girl from Poltergeist – your baby does look horrified in that shot. She’s totally gorgeous in the one that you took though!
I think with digital photography it is much easier to get lovely shots of your children. Just take hundreds and keep the best ones.
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