Every day in Australia, six babies are stillborn. One in 135 pregnancies will end in stillbirth. That’s 2185 every year.
And yet compared to many other serious illness such as skin cancer, ovarian cancer and even SIDS (895 babies die every year of SIDS – down 85% in the past 10 years thanks to scientific research which has revealed the risk factors and a massive push to education new parents), there is no ad campaign for Stillbirth and shockingly little money made available for research.
This week on Mamamia on Sky News, we looked at the issue of stillbirth in a touching, revealing and very candid way.
On our panel is Kristina Keneally, former premier of NSW and patron of the Stillbirth Foundation. Kristina lost her second child, a daughter called Caroline who was stillborn several years ago. And our special guest in this segement is Emma McLeod who also lost a daughter, Olivia, after a seemingly normal pregnancy in 2002.
Back then, there was no organisation to support Emma, or her family so she started her own and it’s still going strong today. The Stillbirth Foundation is the only one of its kind, supporting women and families who have experienced a loss that society still struggles to define.
Mia chats to Emma tonight about love, loss and her life’s work.
The full episode is now live right here (the stillbirth segment begins at 16mins 11 secs):
During the show we showed a humbling series of photos of stillborn children, photographed with their families so they had something to remember them by. Some photos are of the families and their other children. These are those photos.
Photo by Gavin Blue, Heartfelt
The photos are taken by Heartfelt, which describes itself as:
What amazing work they do. Please consider donating to Heartfelt or to the Stillbirth Foundation. They need all of our support to continue the incredible job of giving comfort and support to those going through tremendous pain.
Comments
82 Comments so far
I read your story in the Sunday Telegraph and I cant tell you how timely it was I believed I was going crazy. My husband has just left me he cant cope anymore with my behaviour/emotional outbursts… here’s my story from 8 years ago.
Today I have finally realised that I have an illness – I don’t consider it life threatening (well not yet), but it could be if I don’t ask for help. It took a lot of heartache, many regrets, and lots of physical and emotional damage to make me see. I am one of those people who’s tough on the outside, always does things for others actively involved in the community, perfectionist, very hard on myself to make sure I do everything right – and when thing don’t go right the walls come crashing down and my partner shoulders the load. But from the outside I mostly look in control. My family have seen the cracks, my loving partner has definitely seen the cracks and fallen into them and my beautiful little girl – well I’m sad to say this is the only mummy she knows, so its kind of normal to her.
So how did I get to tell my story today? I finally pushed my partner too far – he knew the way I behaved wasn’t normal or conducive of a happy home. Don’t get me wrong we have had heaps of happy times but when it was bad it was bad and in the end he just couldn’t communicate with me – he tried to tell me but I just didn’t get it as I didn’t know why I was acting the way I was and blamed him. So as they say you have to hit rock bottom before you can see things clearly. I hit the rocks last Tuesday and decided I cant be like this anymore there is something wrong with me I always have this overwhelming feeling of stress, anxiety and cant relax (these are just the surface symptoms).
September 28th 2004
This is the day my life changed. And when I mean changed my heart broke I felt an uncontrollable sense of loss and guilt. My anxiety and stress escalated to a point that I couldn’t manage anymore (I had no idea what was happening) so instead of acknowledging it I hid it.
I was 20+ weeks pregnant and not feeling well I went to the doctors he did a few tests and sent me home. I went to my parent’s house as my partner was at work. An hour later I delivered our stillborn baby boy in the toilet. I will never forget looking down and seeing his perfect little hand sticking up – that is the only memory I have of him. I was in complete shock in fact denial. I refused to see the baby in the hospital – my partner and our families did. I think at the time if I did it would all been too real. They took pictures and handprints and gave us his little tags etc. I have never looked at them. A number of times I have gone to the draw when I’m on my own but can’t do it. I hold it all in I wish I could ask my partner to look at them with me but I just cant ask him that would mean I would have to show emotion and acknowledge what had happened. So I have just shut it away for the past 8 years. His name is Byron.
September 31st 2004
I became extremely ill. It was kind of surreal in my head I was ready (or wasn’t worried) to die which sounds weird but I think because I had just seen the death of my baby boy. I ended up contracting a hospital superbug one they had never seen before my body was starting to shut down. With a team of top Doctors and after 2 weeks in hospital I let me home with a central line and daily nursing – it took me 3 months to get back to ‘normal’ physical activity and work. I was extremely lucky girl as the professional kept telling me – the only thing that saved me was that I was fit and healthy. I hated being sick – it changed who I was I had to worry all the time about infection and I wasn’t fun anymore. But there was more to come.
I was offered counseling by the hospital and they day I turned up this manic looking women (the counselor) came up and said she had other stuff going on could I come back another day – I didn’t.
February 2005
Our little monkey girl Georgia was conceived. All I wanted was another baby to make up for the one I lost but also to love. I was completely terrified about having a baby because as I knew things can go wrong. The best fetal medicine specialists in Australia monitored us. But things did go wrong again at 18 weeks I started to lose Georgia. They sent me home on bed rest to see if the situation would rectify itself. I had surgery to prolong Georgia’s gestation. Quiet risky surgery but 2 of us came out in one body – she was alive and in my tummy. You can only image the stress and anxiety I was feeling. I had a job to do and the job was to lay completely flat until this baby was ready to survive in this world. So I layed flat on my back for 3 and a half months in a hospital room. My pregnancy was very clinical and monitored. I was diagnosed with reactive depression, which they said is normal for someone who was at work one day and here the next flat on their back. Ok so all this was normal. I can do it is all I said to myself. I took great joy every morning peeving off the Cleaner who could speak very little English. She just kept calling me dirty girl. I’m like lady I can’t move!!!!! I told my friends not to come anymore unless that had stuff to say to me – I got sick of people just staring at me. And then there was my partner he wore the brunt of it all. He would come at night and I could vent to and at him. Instead of sharing dreams we started sharing suffering. He would go and buy Georgia stuff and I was too scared to like it, as I didn’t know if she would make it – really stressful stuff.
September 9th 2005
Finally the day came. 32 weeks pregnant and our little girl was born weighing a tiny 1500g but relatively healthy she was a little fighter. I felt love and joy but mostly I felt guilty – finely get out of this bed and have a proper shower. Georgia was in the NCIU and SCN for almost 7 weeks those weeks are just a blur I had huge anxiety leaving her so when I went home my partner would do the late shift then go to work the next morning it was just crazy. We did what we needed to do but I wish someone had set us straight. It was really unhealthy and was the start of our scheduled routine relationship. I had already closed the doors to affection because I thought everything and everyone would die or leave me. So no cuddles for my partner or Georgia or anyone. I cared and would do anything for them but didn’t let them too close for the fear I would lose them.
And now I have lost them – I am on the road to changing my life it has only been two weeks but I feel more in touch with my emotions than ever. When I read the article in the Telegraph I just thought I hope if anyone goes thru either of my experiences with the still born or prem baby they get the support from the professionals before its too late.
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I don’t know how you survived all of that Jo.
There is never a ‘too late’ to hug your daughter.
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Your story about baby Leo in to days Sunday Telegraph bought back many memories. I too have been through the loss of my first child, a daughter, due to Vasa praevia. My story unfolded 34 years ago almost the same as your story about baby Leo and his parents. Until now, I had not heard of another case the same or similar. My baby, Donna, also was delivered by c-section after my water was broken by my doctor to speed things up a bit. I was already 8 days over due and had had a small bleed which took me to hospital. My specialist was preparing for another emergency c-section when I arrived and he popped in to see me. With monitors around my belly for monitoring baby he proceeded to rupture the membrane. A huge loss of blood and a drop in foetal vital signs prompted a prep for surgery to be done after the emergency he was originally there for. The end of the story is the same as for baby Leo. No one could fore see the Vasa praevia which resulted in the death of my daughter two short days after her birth. Time does heal the horrific pain of such a loss but 34 years later still seems like it was only yesterday. I still remember her birthday as a special day and although, thankfully, the pain has dulled somewhat, it is a day I will always remember. My hopes are that baby Leo’s parents will go on to have more beautiful babies into the future as I have done. None of them ever replace the one you lost but you will treasure every one of them. Life does go on and in time the darkness does lift.
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I think this issue has come a long way. I know my grandmother had a miscarriage at 18 weeks they didn’t let her see the baby. I would have had a cousin too he was J and I only found out about him a few years ago-he was still born at 28 weeks in the early 1980s.
I do think that there needs to be more education on the risks of pregnancy and that there are some babies who do not make it or who will pass shortly after birth and what women and care providers can do in such situations. Some of the deaths are clearly preventable (smoking while pregnant, maternal age and health, pre existing medical issues etc) while others may never have an answer.
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It is truly heartbreaking… I am yet to give birth so I know that until that day comes I can’t fully understand, but I have seen friends go through this and I have been the child whose Mum and Dad have to tell them their baby brother isn’t coming home from the hospital… It is something that can change a family forever but I know that whenever anyone asks I proudly say I have 4 brothers, not 3, because I do!
Rose was so correct in saying try to remain in the sunshine… whatever it takes to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going, honour the memory and the spirit of that tiny baby but at some point life has to continue moving forward
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A woman I know who has experienced this tradgedy herself has also set up a charity to help others.. The charity is called Yasminah’s Gift of Hope and they have a webpage as well as a facebook page. Bec and the volunteers provide “Gifts of hope” to parents who have experienced the loss of a child, as well as support and access to further support services.. If you, or someone you know has experienced the loss of a child, then please know that this charity is available too..
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Those photos are just heartbreaking, brought tears to my eyes.
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Those photos a beautiful and heartbreaking.
What a wonderful organisation. They must see so much pain but still make something so beautiful from it.
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I wrote this for my lost daughter Cassandra Arwen, it was read at her funeral:
‘For those many months
your small spirit grew
curled beneath my heart
I remember the feel of you
the first time you stretched
to rap against your chamber walls.
In dreaming midnight silence
I would lie wakeful
waiting breathless
for another gentle reminder
of the life I bore
Ah little one
your candle burned but dimly in the end
but shines out still so brightly in my heart
Though I never heard your voice
or felt the soft tug of your hunger
your memory lives on within
You are loved.’
She would be 17 years old now, 18 on February 22nd.
She died in utero at 39 weeks after four nightmare weeks of worsening
news. She had a chromosomal abnormality (trisomy 18) which these days they’d pick up at the 12 week mark. She was tiny and her poor little organs were riddled with holes.
It took me ten years to even consider the idea of having another baby.
Now I am at last 8 months pregnant with my second first child. Every time I am asked if this is my first, I pause.
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That’s just beautiful… Brought a tear to my eye. My first child wasn’t stillborn but was born not breathing and passed at 7 days after being taken off his ventilator. I remember being asked the “is this your first child” question too whilst pregnant with my daughter and not having a clue how to answer it.
All the very best to you and wishing you a safe and swift delivery. I’m sure your little girl will be watching over you and her little brother or sister. x
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Need to remember not to read these articles at work. Crying at desk while eating lunch is not a good look in office full of blokes.
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3 years ago we lost our second child Oscar Thomas at 19 weeks gestation (we have since had 2 daughters). Not a day goes by I don’t think of him and wish he was here. I have this poem on our hallstand as a dedication to my baby boy:
Two, Three or Four?
“How many children do you have?” they ask
I say “I have three” and put on my mask
Then I give them a smile and walk away
“Four I have Four!” that’s what I want to say
How do I answer a question like that?
I guess it depends on where I am at
Four times I have given birth
Yet one is in heaven and three are on earth
If a stranger asks and they’re just being polite
I’ll say “I have three” but it doesn’t feel right
If it’s an acquaintance of mine who doesn’t know
I take the risk and let my heart show
Some change the subject when I say you died
When they do it hurts deep inside
Some say “I’m sorry” and ask about you
I’m so happy they show an interest in you
But please Oscar please, remember this
That if I say three, I don’t deny you exist
You exist in my heart, you know that is true
So please forgive me if sometimes I don’t mention you”
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That poem has just struck a huge chord with me, as I have also had 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl who died when she was 6 weeks old and I grapple with that choice every time I am asked the question of how many children I have. I also have given birth 4 times and carried my daughter full term and stood by her bedside in 4 different hospitals for 6 weeks of her life and stood by her bedside when she was 3 weeks old with an open heart surgery scar on her and sat by her bedside and watched her body give up. Thankyou so much for that beautiful poem.
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So beautiful. I a had a stillborn baby. I talk to him, and think about him every day. he was my first baby, yet, ai have the same feelings as you. I dont want to dishonour him, yet i dont always want to have ‘that’ conversation…
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A baby is often seen as a new life. A ‘new’ addition to the family. But these cherised, much wanted babies are not entirely new. None of us are. We are all created out of memories. Moments in the lives of others. These babies are part of a story which had already started. A chance meeting. A whirlwind romance. A ring. A wedding. A house. A baby. None of us are beginnings and if we are never strictly a beginning it is impossible to be an end. Always existing. Connected to each other by moments that made us matter. Memories that brought us into being.
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Anonymous,
thank you for sharing these words, your post has really touched my heart. As a mother to a stillborn baby (plus 2 living babies) I just had to reply & tell you how very, very true your words are.
Thank you.
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Sadly this is a club I belong to as well. I lost my firstborn 10 yrs ago. I had a little girl, Grace. I have a similar story to Kristina Keneally, found out there were abnormalities at the 20 wk scan & that she would not survive. Going through labour was heart wrenching & traumatic followed by an equally heartbreaking funeral. She was perfectly formed, but tiny. I have 3 beautiful boys now but not a day goes by that i dont wonder what she would look like, sound like etc. Time moves on & the tears are less but you never forget..
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Yet another fantastic episode. The more I see of Jane Caro the more I adore her! Keep up the good work MM! x
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You should be very proud of this episode Mia.
So sad to hear about Sam’s stepdad… he talked about him a lot on his blog. Strength and love to him during this hard time for his family.
He signed my Hello Darkness book a few weeks ago, the quote on the inside was “Stay in the sunlight” and I’ve taken this onboard as my personal motto for my life. I’ve struggled with depression through my life especially since the loss of my brother at 13 months. Stay in the sunlight to me means trying to stay positive and getting myself outside to feel the warmth of the sun on my back. Yesterday I sat in the park with my laptop writing an email back to a friend in the UK and the happiness I felt was amazing. Just because of the simplest things and the sunlight.
Thank you Sam for this new mantra of mine… it has helped me more than you could imagine.
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I have such mixed feelings after watching this. We have just been diagnosed with a condition called gestational alloimmune liver disease. Unfortunately with treatment our beautiful Harry could have been born healthy instead of stillborn. We have three boys already and have had a complex history of medical problems in pregnancy that has never been diagnosed until now. It frustrates me when people make broad comments about miscarriage and stillbirth like “It was meant to be” or “It was Gods wish” !!!!. We love our baby dearly and miss him. Generalisations, categorising and presumptions drive me mad. Thank you for this great article on still birth. It should no longer be taboo.
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OMG, those photos! I am sitting here with tears dripping down my cheeks. So beautiful and so devastating.
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Oh those Heartfelt photos are breaking my heart.
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I lost a baby at age 16 after having been sexually abused. I was only 11 weeks. When it happened I was so relieved that I didn’t have to “deal with it” & simultaneously heart broken. But the pain doesn’t end & as I get older (I’m in my early 20s now) & as my friends get married & start having babies I feel more and more guilty & evil. The reminders make everything so much harder. When friends have babies I can’t help but feel so fucking jealous (which I hate myself for even more) because if I hadn’t miscarried I’d have an almost 6 year old.
I know I need to talk about it, but I just can’t help but feel like I should be over it. Maybe it was somehow my fault because I was so scared of what was going to happen if I had this damn baby. I’m an intelligent person, but I sometimes wonder if a child can tell? I feel confident it was a she. Did she know that she wasn’t really wanted & the idea of having a baby to my abuser was my worst nightmare? Because I know I love her, but I still don’t know how I’d have coped.
I’ve sat here reading all these replies & this article. I can’t bring myself to watch it because you’re all such beautiful, successful women & I know that you’re good mothers. I’m not sure I could have afforded my baby the same thing. But the loss still hurts a lot.
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so, so, so sorry to hear your story.
i am glad you have written this post because you deserve to be told that there is no way you should be “over it” at all. you have every reason to feel the way you do, but i hope that you will seek help and talk to someone.
it is never too late to talk about something and work towards some more healing.
i wish you the very best, i hope writing this is the first step towards your better life
xx
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Hugs to you. Go and have a chat to someone. I went to a women’s centre some years back after having 3 miscarriages in a year. It is important to have your feelings validated and be able to put them in a place that you can deal with them. I’m so sad that you feel guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You were young and a victim. Speak to someone and get some help and kind support to heal you, and know that you have many years ahead of you to have your family. Bless xxx
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Anonymous, deeply sorry for your loss. Rest assured though, age has nothing to do with being a good mother. There are plenty of ‘good’ mothers who had their children young and plenty of shitful mothers who had them older. You have many childbearing years left. It is not over for you.
Why don’t you contact SANDS? Good luck. x
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Oh … so much to have dealt with, when you were little more than a child yourself… and yes, it must be very hard to see your friends settling down with babies of their own.
The beauty in you, which we see in your words, is that you know you loved your little one, and love is powerful!
As some of the others have suggested, it’s not too late to find a caring professional to chat with. You deserve freedom from guilt and the chance to feel hopeful and at ease, and to enjoy love in all its forms as you move through life.
xox
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Your comment really touched me. I’m so sorry to hear your story and I can understand the guilt you must feel. Don’t ever feel like you should be “over it”… what you went through is very traumatic and I can’t even begin to imagine how much it has shaped the person you are today.
I think you should talk to someone to channel these feelings… I’m willing to lend an ear you can find me on facebook if you like. I was abused as a child, not nearly to the extent you were but it has had a profound effect on my relationships and how I see the world.
You are not alone in your jealous feelings either. It doesn’t mean you are wishing ill on your friends who have had babies. It’s an emotion that surfaces because of what you’ve been through. I wouldn’t say you are jealous just more sad that things didn’t work out that way for you.
I know that I’ve felt that way many times in my life for many reasons – my parents divorced at a young age, I was jealous of my friends who’s parents were in happy marriages, my younger brother died at 13 months (I had just started school, aged 5) I was upset that other kids had siblings who were perfectly healthy.
And you know what? It isn’t fair. What happened to you isn’t fair. A 16-year-old girl shouldn’t have to have experienced what you went through. Admitting that you’re not ok is the first step and acknowledging the pain and the loss helps you get through to a happier place.
I hope you have someone to talk to or even arrange a counsellor and like I said I’m happy to lend an ear.
take care xx
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None of what happened to you – the abuse or the miscarriage was your fault. None of it. In my experience, talking about it with a counsellor or someone that you really trust does help. There will always be pain and hurt, but accepting that it hurts and learning to own the hurt, rather than having it own you is possible. Wishing you the very best.
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Don’t beat yourself up.Your feelings from what you have written I would describe as normal and I think anyone in your situation would feel the same. I had twin son’s die after being born prematurely at 25 weeks. That was 25 years ago and I still have moment where I wonder what life would be like now. I have since had 3 other children and my wife and I also have a foster daughter, I’m sure you would have loved your child as once they are with you, you are able to but aside the situation as it is not about them.
I wish you well and know that life will turn out just fine if you just allow it to happen.
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Darling anonymous, do not feel guilty. Wondering how and why and in what way you were responsible for your baby’s death is just not helpful in my experience. Sometimes shit things just happen and we never know why. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give as a mother – I hope that you get that opportunity someday if that’s what you wish for. It’s OK to still feel sad. x
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Great show. Those photos are so heartwrenching and beautiful. We have a photo of my cousin who was miscarried/stillborn at just over the 6 month mark (I’m not sure which it is since many babies can survive when born at that stage). Sometimes it’s hard to look at but I know my aunt appreciates it because sadly Leah is the only baby she ever had.
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Up to 19weeks plus 6 days is a miscarriage.
From 20 weeks it is a stillbirth.
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my mum’s first child was still born, the doctor knew at 28 weeks but chose to keep it secret! made her go into labour at full term and she had no idea anything was wrong! after the shock of his birth she wasn’t allowed to see/hold or name him! our only reminder is on our birth certificates as a previous pregnancy, how horrid! he is our big brother, not just a previous pregnancy
Thank God the 70′s, and their backward ways are finished
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Oh your poor mother! What an awful thing to go through. X
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Thank you for having a segment that reaches so many people and again puts into the public domain conversations about stillbirth.
Most of our members have had a close experience with loss and know the profound difference beautiful memories of a child can make to a family.
It is an honour for our members to offer this totally free service to families who face the unimaginable.
Gavin Blue, Heartfelt President
I invite you to “like” our page on facebook and share us with your friends
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Heartfelt/166888393342556
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Please, please, please like their page. And keep them in the back of your mind. They are the group you hope you’ll never have to contact but the group you won’t want to be without if tragedy strikes someone you know and love. I hear far too many people say “I wish I knew about Heartfelt when my child died”. The more awareness that is raised, the less likely it will be we hear this statement in the future. Thank you Gavin. You’re a gift to our family.
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Still in the middle of watching, but OMG Christina Keneally’s inability to discuss without “winning” a conversation about catholicism is driving me nuts!
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Is it wrong to say that at 32 weeks I find this awfully confronting?
Its my greatest fear and I have no idea how you all survived it.
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It is awfully confronting, no doubt about that. But we need to keep talking about it, to raise awareness. There is no point trying to turn a blind eye and pretend it doesn’t happen, because it does, more than most people think (and I’m not saying this is what you’re doing). I never heard stillbirth mentioned once before my first born daughter was stillborn almost a week past her due date. Her death could have been prevented, had a few things happened differently during my labour and maybe, just maybe, if I’d heard more about stillbirth and was more aware of the topic, I might have acted differently, my caregivers might have acted differently and maybe, she’d be here. She was a perfectly healthy, fully formed 8 pound baby girl, so she had every chance and she should be here. I guess what I’m trying to say is “be alert, not alarmed” and take nothing for granted, there is no “safe” stage in pregnancy. All the best with your baby.
xo
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Oh I didn’t mean there should be silence about it at all.
I’ve had 5 miscarriages previously and in no way think there is a safe time in pregnancy. Which is why I find it so confronting when these last few weeks are what stand between me and goodness knows what.
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I know how you feel.
I was 32 weeks when some friends’ first baby was stillborn at 37 weeks. We have grieved with them and been terribly sad for their loss but at the same time I was terrified of the same thing happenning to our baby. I feel selfish typing it but I guess it’s a normal human reaction?
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Hi Dee, I think that is just such a totally normal way to feel. It *is* confronting. And of course – being 32 weeks pregnant — it would be trigger lots of fears. I’d feel the same way. But a good friend once said to me, “You don’t stop getting into cars just because you’re scared of having a car accident ..”. There are lots of possibilities in life — good and scary — just stay focused on the positive and we are all sending you lots of love and blessings with the little bundle you are carrying. xxxx
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Heartbreaking, it’s an important reminder that all babies are loved if they are with us or not. my thoughts and prayers are with all the families who did not get to take their much Loved babies home x
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Another great episode – tears streaming down my face – thanks again for bringing light to another topic that isn’t discussed often enough.
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As the mother of a stillborn daughter (Georgia Grace) I am incredibly proud of Mia and the team for doing that show last night. When I lost Georgie last year I had no reference point — knew no-one who had experienced such a loss. No-one in the media, none of my friends … and then I remembered Mia’s memoir (Mamamia) and how she had spoken about losing her daughter at 18 weeks. And I clutched to that book like a lifeline. I read and re-read those pages of Mamamia The Book and eventually Mia and I started emailing each other and became friends. But that just shows how powerful and important it is for women to speak up, and tell their stories. I will forever be grateful to Mia for being brave enough to share the story of the beautiful and much-much-wanted daughter she lost. And we must keep telling these stories so that other people realise they are not alone.
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Touching episode last night, congratulations to all involved. Special mention to Sam who still managed to turn up despite experiencing a very sad loss that day.
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These photos made me cry and cry and cry. Not for sadness – just for the life that didn’t eventuate. Those little beauties. I just loved the look of joy in the eyes of the family members. It was just beautiful. Thankyou.
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I had a significant loss this past week.
The most socially inappropriate, yet welcome response was a text: “I am thinking of you xxx”
Acknowledgement for me is enough; not the whole hour by hour breakdown of how I /husband/son/daughter/sister/brother (individually!) are feeling by what seems like everyone.
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Whatever your loss was, YCCMSusan, I’m sorry.
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Advice for friends that want to be supportive but don’t know what to say or do is never start off a sentence with “at least…”, make the offer to help or get out of the house or have a cup of tea even if you’ve been knocked back 100 times before and acknowledge their baby existed. You’ll probably make them cry but that’s better than crying alone because you think everyone else has forgotten the baby as if she never was. Try not to judge either, it’s an unreal, crazy, surreal time for all.
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My firstborn, Charlotte, was stillborn in 2004. I know society does struggle to accept how much we love and miss a child we never knew outside of our womb.
I had family who didn’t even come to her funeral – later they realised how much Charlotte meant to us. I lost friends and people still don’t understand the impact of stillbirth is lifelong.
A Dr at a Prenatal clinic appointment told me when I was expecting twins – that I got two to make up for the one who died – seriously !
I can’t wait to see it online.
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I am the NSW representative for Heartfelt. I am so happy to see our services reaching so many more people. Thank you again mamamia for holding such a valuable segment.
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When will the episode be available online?
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Tomorrow, early afternoon
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I haven’t seen tonight’s episode yet, but my beautiful daughter was stillborn in May this year and I so wish the hospital had told me about Heartfelt. It was only after That I found out about this amazing organization.
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Tonights episode was a huge learning curve for me. I’d never really thought – or even heard – about many of the issues that were raised. A strong, informative and balanced panel. Thanks for another great episode.
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I listened to Emma McLeod on “Conversations” with Richard Fidler a couple of months ago. She was wonderful. If anyone would like to hear it, you can download it on iTunes (it’s free).
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As someone who lost their first child this year at 24 weeks, Heartfelt is truly a gift. Its the only thing left once your baby has left this world.
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Heartbroken.
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I had a stillborn baby in January this year. Her name was Grace.
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Such a divine photo of your Grace, Katie. I am truly sorry for your loss. Sending you much love, support and strength as you walk this journey xx
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She’s forever perfect. xx
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What a beautiful photograph of your precious little Grace.
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Yep, my comment is about the photos too. Beautiful, touching and so so sad. At first when I was reading the post (and I hope I don’t offend anyone here) I thought it was an odd thing to do, to photograph a dead baby with their family, but when I clicked through them I found myself in tears. I am lucky enough to have never lost a baby and my heart goes out to those who do. Those photos really bring home that it is not just a dead baby, but a life that was loved and cared for in the brief time it had inside the womb. It was the death of the hopes and anticipation the family had for it and very much a part of the family.
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Hey Maz,
Not an offensive thing to say at all, from my perspective.
I lost my baby boy at 39 weeks. I just wanted to mention, regarding your comment about it being “an odd thing to do”… I actually felt the same way, even when it was my own baby. After I had delivered him, I thought, why would I want to take pictures of the single most shattering moment of my life – this is something I want to go away, to forget about. Everyone deals with it differently, but I know now that these photos are all you have in the end – I wish I had taken hundreds and hundreds more. There could never have been enough pictures of my sweet boy, but I wish I had been able to have the help of “Heartfelt” to help me realise this before he was cremated. I still feel quite uncomfortable about the photos, especially of his face, and there are only a very few people who have seen them – as I heal more, I hope to share my little man with more of my family and friends. So yes, I also thought it was an odd thing to do!
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I agree anon,
Our baby girl was stillborn at 37 weeks, after a normal pregnancy. The offer was made for photos of us with her but the grief was too overwhelming at the time.
Fortunately, the midwives took a series of photos of her in her crib for us and hand and foot prints. We now treasure these, along with the clothes one of them donated that she was dressed in for the photo. Along with the photos, these are the only proof I have she ever was real.
I still wouldn’t want a photo of us holding her, as the pain on our faces would be too much. But for families who wish to have them, what a beautiful thing.
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Anonymous,
Please contact Heartfelt about the photos you do have. They also offer their professional services to touch up your own pictures and make them a little easier to share if that makes any sense whatsover. They are truly an amazing organisation and they would love to help you.
x
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Sophie, this photo has really touched me. I can only assume it is of you & your beautiful baby. I think it says everything about a mothers love – infinite and all encompassing. Just lovely.
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Thankyou.
We are so grateful to have such a beautiful reminder of our baby girl. Jordan was five and a half months in these photos and she died three days later, in our arms and surrounded by love. x
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As Sophie says, we have professional retouchers, who can do magic with any images whether they be from mobile phones or pocket cameras.
It can take a long time, but your precious and private images are treated with the upmost respect and we will give you memories that you can share.
And it is a totally free service. You can send me an email to discuss if you like president@heartfelt.org.au
Regards
Gavin Blue, Heartfelt President
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Bless you Gavin. Is there a way to donate to Heartfelt?
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I’ve just donated at http://www.heartfelt.org.au/
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Oh Gavin, I had no idea this could be done – you are amazing, I will email you now… I have no words. Thank you. So much.
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We lost our first child at 37 week on Christmas eve 2009 and thankfully photos were taken by the nursing staff and also the undertakers but they are not perfect like my Samantha was. I’m so glad to hear that there is somewhere we can go to have these images edited. I wish I had known sooner about this organisation. Better late than never I guess.
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We initially didn’t think we’d want photos. Given my daughter died in labour when I was four days past my due date and was born the next day, my hospital bag was well and truly packed and of course it had my camera in it. When she was close to being born, I got a message that a friend had organised a photographer for us, and I thought it must have been a horrible mistake. A few hours after my daughter did finally, silently, arrive in to our lives and we had somewhat reluctantly taken a few dozen photos ourselves, the photographer did show up and we really didn’t know who he was or why he was there, but nevertheless he took the photos. We were worried he would think it was weird or morbid but it was only when we got talking to him that we learned he too had lost a precious daughter to stillbirth and that he was from Heartfelt. His name is Gavin Blue and he’s now the president of this wonderful organisation. He is so special to us and our family, as he gave us the greatest gift during the most painful time in our lives. (Hope’s photos are numbers four and five in the slideshow).
I don’t know any families who say they regret having photos of their dead children, but I know a great many who have regrets because they didn’t get any.
To an outsider, it might seem weird. And it might make people uncomfortable. But when it is all you have, you treasure those photos like you wouldn’t believe.
Hope’s photo hangs in our house next to the photos of our two living children and we are equally proud and smitten with all three of them.
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I was a support person for a friend during the birth of her stillborn baby. I work in health and have seen lots of things but nothing prepared me for the birth of my friend’s baby – the feeling of helplessness and grief is profound and very raw. My friend had lots of photos taken and they hung in her house next to the photos of her other children. It would really be odd if there were no photos of this beautiful little child who was so much loved by her family.
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Two of those photos are of my daughter, Hope. Stillborn at 40 weeks 5 days after a perfect, normal and healthy first pregnancy. That was three years ago and I have two living children to fill my arms now, but my heart will always be broken and there will always be one missing.
Also just wanted to point out, as I know many other “Heartfelt” families, not all of the children in those photos were stillborn. Heartfelt also take photos of premature and seriously ill children as well, not just those who died before birth, like my daughter. Someone may want to fix that up.
Thanks mamamia for continuing to shed light on this topic. I know it is a topic close to your hearts, given Mia herself is a member of this club no one wants to join.
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No words can express the effect of those photos, just the tears streaming down my cheeks….what a wonderful thing to do.
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What a beautiful thing Heartfelt is doing for these families. I wish their services were not necessary though, but I’m glad they’re there.
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Those photos just simultaneously brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. Heartbreaking, and yet so beautiful.
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Those photos are breathtaking. Just beautiful.
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