In the US a young boy by the name of Dyson is at the centre of a cross dressing scandal. At 5 years-old he prefers to wear sparkly dresses, tutu’s and jewelery. Dyson’s mother decided to write a book, The Princess Boy and appear on local television in a bid to gain acceptance for her son. What happened next, was that the video went viral on YouTube and it has caused a worldwide gender debate about children.
From The Canadian Press
Dyson Kilodavis
Cheryl Kilodavis self-published “My Princess Boy” over the summer about the sometimes cruel reaction five-year-old Dyson faces when he wears sparkly frocks, twirly skirts and jewelry. She shared it with his school and hopes it will be used as a tool for teachers, daycare centres, summer camps and after-school programs to address bullying and promote tolerance.
What the Seattle mom hadn’t anticipated was that her family’s appearance on local TV — with a sullen Dyson in red dress and sparkly pink socks — would land on YouTube, light up Twitter and produce packs of snappish doubters along with loving support from around the world.
Much of the positive reaction has come from educators, parents of like-minded boys and members of the gay community. Much of the negative seems centred on the video of Dyson as he sits sullenly next to his mom on a talk-show couch, flipping through the book and sniffing from a cold while he listens in on the grown-up conversation.
Some wonder whether his parents’ indulgence has led them into dangerous territory, and whether putting him on TV to sell books, no matter how valuable to others, was a wise thing to do.
“The parents shouldn’t let the kid do it just because he wants to,” said Alajauan Adams, 27, a youth co-ordinator for a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. “I’m not here to judge if it’s right or wrong for him to be an outcast, but the reality is he’s going to be and you’re not protecting him from it.”
The family on a Seattle TV show “New Day”
Online radio blogger Lashaun Turner, the 46-year-old mother of three grown children (including two boys) in Riverside, Calif., was taken aback by Kilodavis tracing Dyson’s fashion sense to age two. “I mean it’s just crazy. Your two-year-old is picking out pink colours and wanting to wear pink dresses and so therefore you start buying him dresses? I mean a two-year-old has not a clue as to whether they’re boy, girl, fruit, vegetable or a rock.”
Kilodavis acknowledges her initial discomfort when her youngest son’s “unique eye for everything beautiful,” especially things pink and glam, surfaced at a tender age at home, and a few months later more publicly when he ran into her arms at daycare pickup one afternoon dressed in a red sequin dress and pink high heels.
Kilodavis did try diverting Dyson’s attention as a toddler by providing his daycare with a little more flash for boys in the dress-up area. She brought in a red-and-gold karate outfit and a band uniform, but they were no-gos for Dyson. “The next day when I went to pick him up he was in a yellow dress,” she said.
That’s when she got busy on the book. Requests for it have skyrocketed since Dyson’s story hit the web. The family is now in search of a publisher. “People are walking into stores looking for the book. They’re e-mailing me, saying I wish you were my mum when I was a princess boy growing up.”
What do YOU think? Would you let your little boys wear dresses? Did you play dress up as a kid and do you think it affected the way you behave as an adult?
Comments
133 Comments so far
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People are always too quick to judge and society thinks that when a man puts on a dress, skirt, or any item of clothes related to girls that man instantly becomes gay and should be an outcast stripped of his rights. This is never the case as society wants people to believe. The reality is far different. I am actually a 15 year old crossdresser that is in love with an actual woman. Its not the clothes that make the gender as people want to believe. What makes someone gay is who the person falls in love with. A man or boy might have one or several reasons he dresses in girls clothes, like to impress a girlfriend, seeing what it feels like to dress as a girl, etc. If you do see a boy or man dressed as a girl, do not react with violence, rather support him, ask him why he dresses a he does, etc. Violence will not only hurt the crossdresser and make him want to stay inside for the rest of his life, it could get you arrested with charges of assault as well. Be mindful and accepting of crossdressers and we could expect a far safer society.
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This almost reminds me of the way Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is viewed in the media, how she is always wearing boys clothes and dressing up like a little warrior.
Chelsea Lately made a comment that she is going to ‘grow up and be a Lesbian’ which i found awful.
Its a case of “wait and see, and who cares either way” In my opinion
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My little brother is now 9, but this story echoes his! But, with Matthew he was devastated when he couldn’t wear his pink dresses and disney princess heels at daycare at the age of 18 months. Instead of fighting with him, as a family we decided to accept it and our little Princess Boy is still a 9 year old Princess Boy. My family wouldn’t change it for the WORLD, we love that our kiddo can feel loved and accepted for exactly who he is not what “society” thinks he should be.
This picture is of him on his 2nd or 3rd birthday with his PRIZED present, a beautiful ballerina teddy bear.
Keep rockin’ it Princess Boys!
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Strangely I just read this blog entry http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/ and thought it was something that mamamia should be aware of, and came over to the site to see if you’d already picked up on it. What you’ve posted on is a much bigger story but I think that allowing children to be who they are is important.
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My son loved putting on makeup with me in the morning and going to preschool with painted nails. When he started school he only painted his toenails. Now he’s 15, 6’2″, gorgeous, well adjusted and confident. He doesn’t bow to peer pressure and still doesn’t really care what other people think.
Whatever your kids like, it’s our role to support them in who they are, not in trying to turn them into something else (although I do wish he’d do more housework!).
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I quesition the comments in the interview that he likes Girl Things- pink, sparly and skirts have become associated w girls only in our culture, and only rencently. Men wear skirts all over the world- kilts, hula skirts, sarongs, robes….. and in other countries, pink is not necessarily a girl’s colour, what distinguishes the genders in children is pierced ears.
Moreover, plenty of men in first world countries wear pink shirts or jumpers. 100 years ago, In Europe and America, blue was considered a sacred colour for women (and you’ll notice that the Virgin Mary is ALWAYS painted with blue clothes); and pink was thought of a masculine colour, as it was reminiscent of blood shed by soldiers.
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my little girl dresses up in boy dressups and i don’t have a problem with my boy dressing in his sisters tinkerbel outfit. His dad wasn’t keen though although didn’t stop his son doing it. He is a well rounded happy boy.
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A lot of people seem to think that frilly dresses and sparkles = gay.
I’d like to mention that I have quite a few gay friends, both male and female, and two of those male friends are very masculine in regards to how they dress.
Just because they are gay doesn’t mean they wear pink and prefer flowers over a carton of beer.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that stereotypes just irritate me a little. It would be nice to live in a world one day where everyone is accepted for who they are – not who we want them or categorise them to be.
Do you think that’s too much to ask for? Do you think it will ever come to that point?
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Kind of off topic, but kinda the same, when my partner was at pre-school (we are 33, so 30 years ago) the pre-school teachers wouldn’t let him play with his favourite toys… the kitchen set. Because the kitchen/house stuff was for the girls to play with. He just loved being in the kitchen with his mum, who is a fab cook, and it was the thing at pre-school he most wanted to play with. 30 years later, I have a wonderful partner who cooks amazing meals for us.
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It’s great that family & school are supportive of Dyson and it’s true, they should let him be whoever he wants. But parading him on TV? No thanks. I’m sure when he gets older he’ll be mortified his parents did that. Let him work out who is in the comfort of his own home – not in front of the country. It’s hard enough.
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They had a child psychologist on the Today show this morning talking to Lisa about this little dude, and she said it isn’t unusual at all. What is unusual is that this kid’s mum decided to write a book and take her 5 yr old son on the media junket and get him to talk about it, which will probably be more embarrassing for him should he grow out of it (which sounds pretty likely).
She said they get heaps of kids at her practice who don’t want to wear the boy’s uniform to big school when they start, they’d rather wear the girl’s uniform. She said they just go with no uniform in most cases.
I don’t see why there has to be a boys and a girls uniform anyway. Why can’t it just be your school shirt and shorts/trackies/pants? I hated having to wear dresses and skirts to school. And they wonder why girls don’t participate in sports and stuff!
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My 3 year old son went to the shops on the weekend in his Ben 10 t-shirt, a Dorothy the Dinosaur necklace and bracelet (very pink and sparkly), holding a spiderman figurine, with a silver, heart-shaped handbag over his shoulder. He was very proud of himself! We had a few people do a double-take, but mostly people gave him positive feedback. On the other hand, my 2 year old daughter had a hissy-fit when I tried to put her in a dress, or anything remotely feminine. She would much prefer to be dressed up as spiderman at the moment!!
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Reading the posts I think it is fantastic that the majority of people are so open and accepting of this issue. This little boy is 5….he is too young to label or analyse or criticise. His clothing choice may be an indication of sexuality and gender preference or it may not be. He is 5! Let’s not try and categorise and label the poor kid. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not he is happy. I think it’s great that so many people are able to focus on the big picture and not let the little stereotypes cloud their judgement. As for the comments that this child might be bullied and teased…Yes that is an unfortunate reality that Dyson may have to face. However shouldn’t then the focus be on teaching other children acceptance and tolerance rather than teaching this child he must conform to societal expectations. Maybe I’m naive, but I hope that Dyson’s generation can grow up to truely value people for who they are on the inside and not judge them on what they wear on the outside.
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I love this comment.
Youre right, at five you have no idea whether it is something they will grow out of, or an indicaton of how they are going to be later in life. I think letting them explore those possibilities now while theyre young enough to “get away with it”, youre going to make that decision just a tiny bit easier for them when theyre older.
I have heard the arguement that letting them do these things will “push them” in a certain direction, but the reality is that most boys will grow out of it, and some wont. And it will be that way whether you try and stop them or let them experiment.
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I love that everyone in that video was so positive.
I have two sons, one who is very masculine – loves trucks and dirt and climbing things and superheros, blue and green etc. My oldest however, is very feminine. His favourite colours are pink and purple, he is constantly doing his hair and asking if he looks pretty, all of his friends are girls and he loves playing dolls with them. He loves glitter, asks me for jewellery all the time and asks often why boys arent allowed to wear skirts. At the top of his Christmas list this year is a pair of fairy wings and a necklace. His attitude is very “feminine” as well. He has been like that since he could speak, and I have never thought twice about it – it has never been a subject of concern for me, or for his dad.
Having friends who were like this when young and were teased mercilessly for it, and also because of the attitudes of some people in our own family, we are well aware of how other people will/would react to a boy acting that way, and we have tried very hard to allow him to express himself, while silently drawing a line to protect him from the teasing. For example, letting him wear jewellery, but getting him a necklace with boys pendants on it rather than sparkly gemstones. If he asks to wear mummy’s makeup, we explain that only adults wear makeup, rather than saying “no, boys dont wear makeup”, and so on. We know that this might be him exploring his gender options, or it could just be how he is going to be as he gets older, and as such we are trying to let him express himself enough to be satisfied but not enough to cause him any grief, and once he is old enough to make these decisions on his own he can do so with our full support.
It makes me sad, though, that we have to draw any line for him at all. We are doing it for his own protection, but it makes me so sad that we have anything to protect him from when it comes to him expressing himself. At the moment he is not old enough to understand why people are reacting in a certain way to him, and we are doing the best we can under the restrictions society will put him under.
I love that Dyson’s family and school are so supportive of him. It means that they dont have to protect their son quite as much, and that is wonderful.
What I have never understood, is why when a girl acts/dresses/etc like a boy, noone bats an eye and just says “oh, shes just a tomboy”, but if the roles are reversed everyone is up in arms about how the parents are damaging their son, and the boys get teased so relentlessly for simply being themselves.
It is quite clear to us that it is just how he is, and not anything we are putting on to him or any kind of ‘gender confusion’, because we have two boys in the same household, with the same parents and same experiences, who have both very naturally slipped into very different gender roles.
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Beautifully said Clairebear.
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Great response!
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You sound like such a great mum!
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You sound like a brilliant mum! I hope more mums take a leaf out of your book.
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Clairebear…you could be talking about my family! I have two boys who are as ‘opposite’ as yours.
I have a good friend who compared my eldest (the more feminine) to her eldest (very rough and tumble, loud, trucks/cars/dirt) and she thought that I was influencing his interests such as makeup and accessories etc…that was until she had her second son and he developed an interest (obsession?! – her words!) with barbies and dolls and she acknowledged that these differences are individual.
My son loves shoes, has had a fantastic few days commenting on the racing fashions (mind you he is only just 4!) and dresses up daily. I have stopped limiting his choices to ‘home only’ wear as he feels so happy and proud of himself when he is sparkly, pink and accessorised.
I love him for his individuality as for all of his other attributes.
My (very conservative) grandfather had a brilliant saying:
“He is who he is and he will be who he will be”
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beautiful
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Exactly the last part how its okay for a girl to dress in masculine clothing, and to like masculine things, but for boy’s to dress or like anything remotely feminine is seen as ‘un-natural/weird’. It just shows how early sexism is embedded in our lives. That girls can be like boys, but boys to be like girls is not okay. Like the Madonna song, ‘what it feels like for a girl’.
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My little man often wears girls stuff when we go out. He is in awe of his big sister, if she’s got a tutu on, he wants one on too. It’s cute, and I certainly don’t mind taking him out in girls clothes. We’ve got a bit of a ‘happy kid = happy mama’ thing going on. If wearing a tutu with his sister makes my boy smile, so be it
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My daughter loves Handy Manny, Bob the builder, fix things & pretends to be her dad fixing cars. All this while wearing a tutu.
Children Love to dress up.
I don’t understand why it is such a big deal.
If you ask any day care teacher they will tell you that the little boys love dressing up as princess, fairies.
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One of the families in our social circle includes a little boy of 8 or 9 who has always felt he was a girl and expressed this feeling. His parents, obviously, were troubled, but accepted what he told them and slowly allowed him to choose what he would wear and look like, just as other parents allow their children to do the same.
At 9, he has long hair, wears girls clothes all the time, and is very confident that this is him. He has suffered for this at school, and is still strong in his feeling about his gender identity. His parents have suffered, too. Other mothers, especially, tell his mum to her face that she is aiding and abetting a perversion and making him into a freak. I think she’s a very brave person who loves her very brave son and wants him to feel freedom in his heart.
Who knows how it will all turn out and where their story will go, but he is happy in his family and in himself and is hurting no-one. What more could anyone want?
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his parents may need to contact the Gender Centre or Twentyten, bc puberty usually hits kids like that pretty hard.
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It’s all a bit hard to judge really. When I was in school you would have been flat out getting me in a skirt let alone a dress- I was the biggest tomboy!! Now I’m in my twenties and need more cupboard space for all my dresses and girly clothes. Some people do stay in that same habit/style/lifestyle choice even when their older but I think kids should be left to decide what they want themselves. I grew out of my tomboy stage but if I didn’t I can only hope that my parents were supportive and just let me decide who I wanted to be.
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My 3 year old son wears princess dresses, complete with ballet shoes all the time. His favourite colour is pink. He also loves spiderman! So what? I love that he is exploring so many different things and that he doesnt care when people tell him he shouldnt do something because it’s a ‘girl’ thing!
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My 3 year old daughter wears Ben 10 undies. All the time, usually on the outside of leggings. The show terrifies her but she loves all the merchandise! She is right into anything spiderman, trucks, trains and cars. She is 1 of 3 girls and we don’t bat an eyelid at this. Does she qualify as a tomboy? I’ve never given it much thought. What I have thought of though is there is a name for girls who prefer the traditional boy games/clothing etc but not one (that I know of?) for a boy who prefers the traditional girl games/clothing etc. It is well and truly time for boys to have this same acceptance, don’t you think?
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I would totally wear spiderman knickers if they made them in adult lady sizes.
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I have no problem with the way this family are bringing attention to their son’s way of expressing himself. I don’t think he looked sullen — I thought he looked like a 5 year old behaving himself! The more attention brought to this subject the better, and going on one tv show and writing a book is hardly farming out her child! I thought it seemed like a lovely family and I don’t think they’re going to push the little one to go beyond what he is comfortable with. Good for them!
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No problem- with little boys dressing up in whatever they feel like.
Problem- with ‘child stars’ and everything that comes with it.
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My little boy (2 1/2) loves dressing up in his 4 1/2 year old sister’s fairy dresses, tutus, pink ballet shoes etc. I let him do it, and he generally wears what he’s wearing when we collect my daughter from kindy / pop down the street etc.
Occasionally someone assumes he’s a girl and I just tell them he’s a boy, he’s just been playing dress-ups. No other mums have really said much to me about it (other than to say their little boys do the same), sometimes other kindy kids ask why he’s wearing pink and I tell them that it’s a nice colour, and everyone can wear pink.
Being occasionally mistaken for a girl never fazes him. Sometimes he goes out dressed as a wizard, or a puppy, and it never fazes him when people pretend he’s really a puppy or wizard, either.
I don’t at all think his love of pink dress ups means he will grow up gay – he also has a healthy love of sandpits, diggers and big trucks – but even if he does, trying to repress him at such a young age doesn’t make any sense to me. And no, I don’t believe letting him wear what he wants will ‘turn’ him gay, anymore than I believe letting him dress as a lion will give him a weird cat fetish!
I am a very proud mum and will adore my kids forever, whoever they turn out to be as adults. I want to always accept them for whoever they are.
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Eloise, you sound like a wonderful mum. You remind me of my mum and also of the kind of mum I hope to become. Your children are very lucky!
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All 3 of my boys have gone out in public in dresses/skirts and makeup. Of their own volition – usually as a joke, to show their mates they aren’t scared to do it.
If they feel the need to express themselves, why not let them?
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My teenaged brother loves to dance, act and sing and is a snappy dresser. As a kid, he also loved trying on his sisters’ dresses and playing with our makeup. He’s also a champion soccer player and an apparently ‘pretty pro’ kisser. So over the stereotype that a boy is either ‘sensitive and effeminate’ or ‘blokey and sporty’. Why can’t we accept that they’re often a bit of both?
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My two year old son wears his sisters dress up clothes, my high heels, wonder woman dresses etc but this is really only because he wants to be like his older sister. He equally does ‘boy stuff’. I would not let him wear this stuff out in public though. I think this woman should leave her son the hell alone, next week he might be into firemans suits that’s what five year olds do and she is writing books about it. Glad she is not my mother.
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“A two-year-old has not a clue as to whether they’re boy, girl, fruit, vegetable or a rock.”
False. Children know from a VERY young age that there is a difference between boys and girls (which is why they ask so many questions about genitalia), and that there are certain ways they are expected to behave based on their sex (which is why most gravitate towards dolls or trucks, depending). I can’t find the research to back it up at the moment (anyone more adept at Googling than I want to try?), but I’ve heard it cited in my women’s studies classes that children as young as age 2 exhibit awareness of and adherence to gender stereotypes.
I did find this article:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090429091624.htm
I know it’s only a small point in this article, but I wanted to address it. I think it’s very telling that the implicit gender stereotypes we learn from the time we are young can impact us for the rest of our lives. Bravo to these parents for letting their child express himself! Judging from the attitudes of both of their children, it sounds like they’re doing a fantastic job.
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2 year olds do not know the difference between being a boy or girl. They usually learn this around 3 yrs after starting kindy.
At 2 yrs children play with children not girls or boys.
2 year old children do NOT know that “there are certain ways they are expected to behave based on their sex”. As you said they “gravitate” towards what they like not what is expected.
This is based on my experience as a mother of 3.
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I live in an wealthy, upmarket suburb in a capital city.
There is a local man who likes to visit the shops dressed in women’s clothing, jewelry and makeup. The amount of cruel remarks and stares he has to endure on a daily basis makes my blood run cold. He is not harming anyone, he is there to shop and mind his own business and yet ADULTS persist in making his life a daily hell. Luckily the staff in the shopping centre are familiar with this customer and they do their best to shelter him from the cruelty and welcome him into their stores.
I’m not sure how this relates to the story here, just that this man’s daily battle entered my mind when I read the post. All I could think is ‘if we all minded our own business in regards to how people dress then none of this would be an issue’. Not what are acceptable colours for genders, not homosexual versus hetrosexual, not what constitutes good parenting – just minding our own business.
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When my mister 5 was 3 if loved loved loved pink. He had a pair of pink leggings and wore them until they fell apart. Now he is at school he has declared that pink is a girls colour! We did nothing to encourage or discourage. He worked things out for himself. Each to their own!
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My son will only be dressed in the manliest of male attire. Like 18th Century ruffled shirts, crevats, powdered wigs and tight trousers. Or those 16th century puffy balloon pants with leggings/stockings. Or a toga. He will have the most manly collection of kid gloves, silk scarves, sashes, lace cuffs and neck ruffle thingy`s as to prove beyond a doubt that he is the picture of virile, red blooded heterosexuality.
Hey, it worked for Casanova.
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This is amazing. You are amazing.
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Shucks.
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love it!
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=D
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As an older sister of a boy who was very similar to Dyson growing up, I look at a story like this very differently to a Mother’s whose children behave similarly, and those Mothers who’s son’s engaged in typically male activities. My brother was born when I was a toddler, and it was like I had been given a new doll. We were best friends and he would get to sit in the back of my little tykes car and be driven around. He also got to perform in all my “shows” for Mum and Dad, and wear the clothes I picked out for him. The first time he saw my brother in a dress, my Dad was horrified. While Mum didn’t think it made all that much of a difference because we were just two siblings playing, six year old me looked at the situation very differently- why was this an issue in the first place? In what I consider to be a natural progression to being forced into dresses and tutus by his big sister (it probably didn’t help that all our family friend’s children were also girls) my brother naturally chose the more feminine dress up options when he was given the opportunity. While many of you will probably put it down to my childhood naivity that I had no reservations dressing a little boy up like a ballerina, I think more of us need to adopt this kind of childhood innocence in relation to the way we look at people who dare to step outside the social norm- whether they be children or adults.
I’m now a young adult, and recently my brother came out as gay. It genuinely came as a surprise to me. Do I think that him dressing up in girl’s clothes around the age of 5 had any influence on this? No, but looking back I do think it may have been a sign my family had simply chosen to ignore (my brother does insist that he “always knew”). Although I don’t have any kids of my own, I can understand people’s hesitations when letting their sons dress up as girls. But I also think there is more harm to be done in not letting them express themselves. Not surprisingly, the person my brother was most concerned about coming out to was my Dad, and I definitely think that me and my Mum’s acceptance of him in such formative years of his life (and my Dad’s obvious disapproval) helped when he came out. As the first to find out, I knew my parents had two choices- accept it or sacrifice their relationship. Whilst being gay was not what we wanted for him, not because we found it unnatural or had anything against gay people, but simply knew it would make his life, as both an adolescent and as an adult, more difficult in terms of acceptance and relationships. I might not be his Mum, but I love my brother unconditionally and so the thought of him being bullied or persecuted for an aspect of him which now seems to me as trivial as the colour of his hair brings me to tears.
All this being said- up until my brother came out I had some pretty strong opinions in regards to gay marriage. I’m proud to say my view has since changed, and yes it is wholly due to my brother’s sexuality. I think it is very easy to have an opinion on something (the issue of princess boys included) when it has no bearing on your life and the lives of those you care about. Until I knew my brother was gay, the only homosexual people I knew were mutual acquaintances, not anyone I truly cared about or loved. When something has no bearing on your life- say for example if your son loves AFL and would rather dress up as a Fireman- it’s all well and good for you to judge and make assumptions about these children and their parents. A lot of this goes on subconsciously. But to the parents of the boys whose children don’t like girls clothes, don’t let them treat the other boys any differently and don’t even give off the impression that there is anything wrong with this behaviour, otherwise your sons could be the ones who grow up to give my brother a hard time. And whilst you would never want your child to be the victim of bullying, I doubt you would be any prouder to know he could be the perpetrator.
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Your brother is lucky to have such a beautiful relationship with his family. You have articulated the reason I hope that none of my kids come out later in life. Not because it matters to me whether they’re gay, straight or otherwise, but because I worry about all the added pressures they will have.
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What a beautiful story and message. Thank you for sharing that
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beautiful story – I hope your brother can surround himself with people just like his wise and wonderful sister.
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beautiful story Sister of a Dyson and your brother is so lucky. For me, you’ve hit the nail on the head with your last sentence – no I don’t want my child to be a perpetrator of any form of violence and I include bullying in that because it really is just passive-aggressive violence. So I try very hard to model for my family inclusivity, gentleness, tolerance and acceptance of each other, of their friends, of others in their classes. If that was common place we could perhaps manage to stamp out bullying and exclusion and wouldn’t that make for a great world.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I have a 22 month younger brother whom I used to dress up in dresses all the time —
I used to pretend he was my little sister! He’s as hetero as you get though, and growing up with powerful women meant he is a gentleman as well!
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I have two sons, ages 4 and 2.
Acceptance is very important to teach to a child. So is the way of the world. In our society men traditionally do certain things and women do others, with some exceptions here and there. It may not always be this way but that is the way of the world as it stands, at least in the western world I guess. Therefore I see it as my job to teach my children that girls ‘generally’ like pink, wear make-up, skirts and high heels and boys ‘generally’ don’t. I wouldn’t teach them it is wrong for a boy to wear make-up but I will teach them that is is not normally done. If I tell them anything else them I am just lying to them. Once they know the facts they can then make up their own minds about what they want to do.
Still think I would have a hard time walking hand in hand with my sons down the street while he wears a tutu though, but I would do my best to be supportive.
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Eeek! I am a little alarmed that you will be maintaining gender stereotypes about what women and men traditionally do. I hope that it will not always be this way, but how can anything change with parents teaching their children that they have pre-defined roles in society based on their gender?!
And lying to them if you don’t teach them that girls generally like pink – surely you do not believe that? Look at fashionable pink is for men these days, to cite one example!
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So you would say that men traditionally like pink and wear make up then? I really think you missed my point.
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er, no. I wouldn’t see it as my duty to inform them of traditional roles and “likes” (which are not fair to or representative of either gender) in favour of allowing my kids to choose their own likes and interests.
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Happy & Clear: I understand your need to show guidance… it is our natural role as parents to guide our kids through understanding this world and we can’t help but have an influence on how they think.
HOWEVER
in favour of MelbourneGirl, I think that all this stuff about girls and boys generally liking something is just a product of our society…. I think that nature is much more tolerant than what us humans have created. I saw a doco the other day about dolphins engaging in homosexual activity before they come to the mature age when they can court and mate. LOL yes it is funny but true…. I think homosexual behavior in humans is just as natural. Most male dolphins end up being attracted to females and mating, some stay “homosexual” all their lives, same with humans. Some male dolphins may like blue, some may like pink lol! I’ve always preferred blue myself and have always liked pants rather than skirts… I am not gay or transexual.
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Haven’t you seen young men these days!? I seem to see plenty wearing pink tshirts and eyeliner…and these aren’t just gay men. The younger generations don’t seem as bothered about stereotypical roles as the older generations, thank goodness!!
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So it is your job to point out and encourage/perpetuate gender stereotypes?
That is weird.
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Oh dear, serious? You teach them girls generally like pink, etc??
I am so sad to hear that. I was wondering where the kids get these ideas from.
Ummm… Girls like pink if we teach them that girls should like pink. The end.
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My boys love pink. Does that mean I should dress them in the most feminine colour on earth? Not. At least not in public. They also like dolls houses, kitchen play sets among other things but the vast majority of things are still boyish… like the usual cars, trucks, trains, legos (unisex), figurines, sports equipment. Thank God for that!
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Why wouldn’t you dress them in pink if that is what they wanted?
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pink what? I have yet to find any nice pink clothes for boys. I did once have a pinkish printed tee for one of them though. But I am not putting them in pink frocks.
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We accept that women are just as good as men these days, but we still struggle with feminity being as good as masculinity. No one bats an eyelid at little girls wearing trousers and playing in the mud, why should we stigmatise little boys for wanting to wear a dress?
Also problematic, I think, are some of the comments here about how he will grow out of it, as if to suggest that it’s okay as long as it’s just a phase he’s goine through and you can laugh about it at his 18th. Don’t worry he’ll grow up to be straight and wear trousers and fix cars. Sometimes it isn’t a phase. Sometimes it is sommething you have to stop doing because it’s just not worth the bullying and stares. If he doesn’t grow out of it, he will cop a lot of crap for it later in life, and he will need all the love and support his family has to offer. That is our fault, our problem, our limited way of thinking about gender, not his.
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Exactly what I was thinking, Kirstin!
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I am so glad someone brought up the issue of masculinity being considered superior. It was one of the first things my mind went to when reading this story.
I have always been interested in Gender studies, and did a course on it at Uni last year. Whether or not we like it, or even agree with it, masculinity (not necesarily the male sex, but the masculine gender) is considered superior to femininity. That is why it is intrinsically easier to accept girls acting masculine, as they are seen to be acting in a more “poweful” way, but when boys act feminine, they are seen as acting weaker than they should. Just think of which words you automatically use when describing each, which is apparant in this thread – boys are rough and strong etc while girls are sensitive and emotional etc.
The reality is that we accept women as being equal to men now, but only as women have taken on more masculine traits. Our society still struggles with seeing femininity as equal. Until we can accept that the genders are equal as well as the sexes, boys and men will who relate more to feminine traits will continue to struggle.
But maybe that is a whole different conversation.
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I definitely think it is part of this conversation. The assumption, however unconscious, that masculinity is superior is something we do need to discuss and address. It would be better for everyone if we realise that gender is not binary and feminine traits are equally as good as masculine one regardless of what sex you identify as.
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I have two boys, and another on the way, and I can honestly say that neither my boys, or my husband, really care WHAT they wear! They would wear pj’s all day if I let them! But would I let them out in public wearing feminine clothes? Sorry, but probably not. But I guess this is a situation that you really have to be in yourself, to trully know how you would react.
I recently took my son to a birthday party and there was a 4 year old child there wearing a kilt, with a red t-shirt and sneakers. After chatting with another mother, I had to ask, boy or girl? Turns out mum likes dressing son in kilts, because she is Scottish and wants her son to be familiar with Scottish tradition.
I must say, I do find it difficult to find bright, colourful clothes for boys, that don’t have Ben10 or some other licensed character on it, that doesn’t cost an arm or a leg. I hate the typecasting, that boys wear Thomas the Tank, or Cars, and girls wear Dora or Disney Princesses. Maybe some boys just want more choice!
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My son goes to ballet (he’s 4) and loves being the only boy in the class although doesn’t understand why he can’t wait a tutu. He got a black tutu hand me down which fits perfectly and looks adorable although he wears the standard black shorts and white tank to beallet. I love that he can express himself and also loves sparkly things. Both his father and I aren’t worried at all as he also loves bike riding, footy along with dress up!! I love letting him be a kid and be unique, especially when so many other parents don’t let their children express themselves like this.
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Yeah but would you still be so calm about it if he DIDN’T like ‘boy’ things as well as the ballet? Maybe you would, which is great. I think mostly people freak out if their boys are liking typically ‘girly’ things mainly because they know how hard it is to be gay in the world and they want to avoid that hardship for their sons if they can. It’s not really much more difficult than that.
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But it is harder than that because that aversion to homosexuality perpetuates the idea that being gay is not ok and therefore the hardships.
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Although there is a homosexual stereotype to ballet,it is actually one of the most masculine things to do. It requires immense physical discipline, stamina and strength. Have you ever seen a professional male ballet dancer’s body – phwoar!
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My 3 yr old son is going on a solid month of only wearing ‘swishy’ dresses and skirts. I have no problem with it apart from the impracticalities of him wearing his big sister’s long dresses to play in the park, and the fact that I have paid money for really cute shorts and shirts that are not getting any wear! I don’t encourage the dresses, but at the same time, I am not going to go through WWIII every morning trying to get shorts on him – it isn’t worth it and it is upsetting for everyone.
A lot of people have commented about this post along the lines of ‘big deal – as if anyone cares?’ as well as suggesting that this woman is exploiting her son. Well, I think you are underestimating how much attention a little boy in a tutu gets…I am slightly exhausted by all the attention after just 1 month, let alone however many years this mum has been ‘explaining’ why her son is wearing a dress. Going to the shops, to kid’s parties, to family functions, to the park, to daycare, down the street…you would be amazed by how many people stop to comment, ask questions, smile, laugh or make some gesture regarding your little boy in a dress. Don’t get me wrong – most people think it is very cute and are very friendly (some are truly confused/concerned – especially other kids) and I really haven’t had any blatant negativity or rudeness. But I am getting to the point where part of me would like him to stop wearing dresses just so I can start having a different conversation with people!
And yes, part of me worries for him in terms of bullying – no one wants their child to be teased. I was worried about this on the weekend when we went to a kid’s party with a few 5 year old girls. I knew they might ‘gang’ up on him about it, which they started to, but then the teasing abruptly ended when one of the girls asked him (in a sing-song, teasing voice) ‘why are you wearing a GIRL’S dress???’ to which my little boy responded matter-of-factly, ‘Because I LOVE it!’. The look on the all the girls’ faces was priceless – almost like they were all thinking, ‘yeah, fair enough – we do too’. Hilarious.
At the end of the day, I am sure we will have a laugh about this at his 21st birthday, but it was comforting to see / hear that other little boys do this too and that it is pretty normal (even if people’s reactions suggest otherwise….)
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love the story about the kids’ party and the little girls! lol!
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Good on her for bucking the trend and landing on the side of difference. But is she overacting in the opposite direction to her original reaction? I’d guess lots of boys are like this at four but not like this by eight.
As for using kids to sell something? It must be only OK for large corporations to do so.
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A quick random comment – husband said about a rugby player after a recent big game. “Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane” oh well it made me laugh.
Aren’t we in a time when we can just accept this little fella for who he is, straight, cross dressing, trans gender, or just a red polkadotted cheeky chops finding his way in the world.
deb.
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Why do you find it funny that your husband thinks “female” is an insult? If it was the other way around – “Plays like Tarzan, looks like Jane” – while still based on sexist stereotypes, it’d be an anecdote more fitting with the current discussion.
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I honestly don’t see the harm in letting a child wear what they want to in most cases. At that age, I really see no difference between boys and girls – only what we teach them is different. We’re only pushing gender stereotypes on children because it makes us feel comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with a little boy in a dress, if that’s what he wants to wear.
My brother used to wear dresses until he started kinder. He wanted to wear one on his first day, but mum and dad suggested not to (purely for the teasing aspect), and he agreed. The only issue with boys dressing in dresses is the ridicule they receive from others. If everyone stopped being so judgemental and stopped creating such rigid gender stereotypes, it wouldn’t matter.
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Nope, I wouldn’t let my son wear a tutu in public. The number one reason is that he would be stared at and possibly teased. I don’t think 5 year old children have the ability to see the situation for what it is and I think it could be terribly upsetting for the child. I know blah, blah, blah society has to change it’s perceptions, but the fact is I have responsibility for my child and I need to make sure he can cope with whatever life throws at him.
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I would have thought so too, but let me share a story with you about a child I know.
He is 6, attends a public primary school. He goes to ballet class with another child I know. He is growing his hair out and wears traditionally ‘girly’ clothes. Obviously female clothes. He hangs out with the girls mostly, but still has male friends too.
I saw him at a birthday party recently for another boy turning 7. There were 15 rowdy boys at this party and not a single one of them even turned a head at this other boy, who happened to be dressed in a sparkly pink top and jeans. They did not tease him, they did not exclude him. In fact, they accepted him unconditionally.
Now, these were just normal children and there was a bit of rough and tumble amongst them but there were no insults directed at this boy at all. The grown ups at the party treated the situation as totally normal and all the kids did to.
So I wouldn’t assume that teasing etc will necessarily happen. I really do think society is changing and becoming more tolerant in these ways.
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Good point. I guess I was thinking more about the older kids??? I don’t know as mine are quite young, but I’d love to think that society was changing in this positive way.
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Telling your child to change who they are and what they like doesn’t seem to me to be the most empowering way to equip them to deal with ‘whatever life throws at them’.
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exactly what I think when I read this post… how are you empowering your kids when you teach them to be afraid of society’s perception?
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I used to dress my younger brother up in girls clothes all the time. He was always Baby Spice when my friends came over and he loved it and had great fun. From what I can tell it has had no impact whatsoever on his sexuality and relationships or whatever people are worried about.
Sort of off topic but Australian Story last night was about a gay farmer who was running for the Nationals. It appeared all his male role models were extremely ‘blokey’. To me this shows that it doesn’t matter what clothes you let your children wear or how much you try and push them into a particular sexuality, it’s not something you can control, and trying to do so can do much more harm than good.
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Let him wear the princess dress! He should be allowed to wear whatever he wants, inevitably people will judge him but in the end he should be able to choose how he presents himself.
Wearing girls clothing or jewellery or makeup will not make you gay and is very common among young boys. When I was in primary school, a young boy wore pink nail varnish to school during most of prep – grade 1 and nobody particularly cared. In the end he grew out of it and it wasn’t really mentioned after that.
The same should go for girls, let them wear boys clothes and play with toy trucks if they wish!
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I agree. Until this year my now 6yo son’s favourite colour was pink, he loved Hi-5, he slept with a doll called Isobel every night and played with his sister’s Barbies. Now that he’s started school he loved Ben 10, hates pink cause it’s a girls colour and is embarrassed because he used to like Hi-5. He still plays with his sister’s barbies but only with Barbie’s sports car and scooter.
Boys like pretty things as much as girls. I think it encourages their softer, caring side. I am lucky that I have both girls and boys because my girl gets to play with the boy toys – the cars and trucks – and my boys get to play with the girl toys – Barbies, dress ups, dolls and prams. I tell my boys if they look pretty, just the same as I tell my girl she looks pretty.
They’re only kids, it doesn’t hurt them. Wearing a pink tutu won’t make a boy gay, just the same as stopping him from wearing a pink tutu won’t stop him being gay. Not that it matters anyway. Just love them as they are.
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I forgot to add, I would discourage him wearing the tutu outside the house. Only to protect him from the inevitable staring, possible negative reactions from those who think in matters.
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My little guy aged five likes to don a princess tutu on occasion. He also likes trucks, cars, dolls, climbing trees and tea parties. A few times another kid has told him his purple bike is a girl’s bike, but he doesn’t care, he just likes his bike. I don’t see what the fuss is about – there’s way too much time for kids, teens and adults to have to bow to gender pressure (or not) – I just let him be who he wants to be on any particular day. I don’t know about putting him on TV, but if my kid wanted to wear a frock every day, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
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Oh goodness. What a storm in a teacup. A person is a person and shouldn’t be defined by gender in such an extreme way. Leave this kid alone. Who cares if he likes pink?! I mean, WHO CARES? I know plenty of boys who like pink, Barbies, dresses, jewellery and all that stuff. Just like there are plenty of girls who like trucks. Does anyone care that my two year old daughter asked me for a scary dinosaur for Christmas? That is supposedly a ‘boys’ toy. Maybe we should all be like the family raising Pop – http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/.
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How awful to exploit your child like that under the guise of ‘helping’ others. Yeah right.
Children should be left to be children away from the glare of television cameras and strangers who are being invited to judge them. Awful.
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After reading the below I can’t help but notice a certain trend that I personally find to be disheartening.
Why must this young boy wear Tutus OR be a footy player? Why are these two abstract behaviors/choices still being positioned as if they are binary opposites of each other. Is it not entirely possible that this young boy may want to do both? Or does a five year old boy need to be put in one of two boxes, “creative, different, effeminate” or “butch, typical athletic”?
Why are we labeling and making assumptions about this young boy’s character, possible sexual preference in years to come, gender identity and wider personal attributes based on his choice of attire?
It would appear that for the large part we are continuing to perpetuate the infantile idea that “pink is for girls and blue is for boys” only progressing far enough to now included “pink can also be for girlish boys”.
How about we stop making value judgments about the child and projecting our own adult stereotypes upon him and let him in time tell US what he likes and who he feels he is?
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there seems to be a perceived stereotype too that if he does want to wear pink, or dresses, he will be gay. He may. He may not. I bet he’s still a nice kid, either way.
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I’d love my boys to get into the sparkly pink stuff! They won’t have a bar of it. I think it is awesome for kids to indulge their imagination, and that’s what dress-ups are about.
On a side note, I too have a friend who is always banging on about her daughter being lucky because she will have a choice of my boys as her mates (read boyfriend) when older. I cringe – a sure fire way to a) engage her in that kind of talk when she’s way too young (she’s 4); b) turn her off our boys as friends. Unfortunately this ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ talk is common place amongst very young kids nowadays, who have no concept of what it means. My 6yo gets very distressed when someone uses his friendship with a girl (and he doesn’t have many so I encourage them all because how else does he learn how girls think?) as a way to tease him (usually older children or other parents) – lay off folks – let kids be kids and have ‘just-friends’!!
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Agree Lucyloo about the boyf/Girlf thing. When will adults learn to stop this crap. It only causes issues and dramas.
I have realised that the people who perpetuate it are the ones who are always social climbing and trying to get to queen bee status.
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When I was about 4 or 5 my best friend was the boy across the street. His mum was OBSESSED with us being ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’, would always try to stage ‘weddings’ for us and make us pose for photos. I hated it and it made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable with my best friend when his mum would be trying to make us kiss for the camera. She was a lovely lady apart from that but I can’t help but think now that she had some relationship issues she was projecting onto her 4 y/o son…
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I am not that mad keen on this mum’s idea to put her son on TV to be stared at like a freakshow whilst everyone is talking about him over the top of his head. It is awful to see in this video that he knows that he is the reason why mum and dad went on tv to talk about a book about him.
I had a double-take when the mother said she was shocked when her boy greeted her at daycare with a dress on and she was looking around at the other parents to guage what they were thinking and the embarassment she felt for her son. She should never feel embarassed for her son and who even cares what others think of her son dressing up in girl costumes.
Now she made it into a big deal, he probably feels like he is expected to dress up. Let sleeping dogs lie, and he will probably grow out of it later. I understand that there are some gender challenged people out there, and that is fine too. But to make it a big deal is the problem I have with the whole thing.
People change their tastes and their feelings sometimes. He may grow up and he might say to his mother “Remember when I liked dressing up as a princess”. It will just be a memory of fun stuff he did as a kid.
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I think you’re being a little harsh. Parents and parenting are so under scrutiny that it is a totally believable reaction to be embarrassed to see your son in a dress at daycare. But the point is that she’s thought about this, decided to come down on the side of ‘difference’ and go from there.
Judging her for her initial reaction is to ignore her journey afterwards.
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True, very true. I probably have my way too judgemental hat on today.
I suppose my reaction to any of my kids dressing in girls clothing would be laughter. I don’t think I would worry too much about what others think of my boy.
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My three year old son wraps a teatowel around his waist and insists we call him Miss Mary. He is not a cross dresser, or a subject for a book I may want to publish, or even fodder for morning television. He is a three year old boy with an older sister and a vivid imagination. Done. Next….
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Gosh, my poor little brother was my “model” for my Beauty Parlour (which consisted of the dregs of mum’s makeup case, set up in the toy room). He did this until he was about 7, admittedly he wasn’t always thrilled about it but most of the time he enjoyed playing make believe as much as I did.
Now he plays country rugby union and he is a diesel mechanic, pretty sure he turned out a-ok. Mind you I’d love him just the same if he was still asking me to do his makeup for a dragshow – although he might be disappointed as I don’t believe my technique has improved that much since 20 odd years ago…