My husband loves kids, particularly those in the 2-5 year old age range, because let’s face it, it’s a very sweet spot for humans. Of course, they’re much cuter if they are not yours, particularly when they get tired and hungry.
But not everybody feels the same way. Recently we went to a function where not only would no one admit to liking kids but some of them became quite ridiculous when my husband acknowledged that he did. Just mentioning the looks of a small child spurred some ridiculous commentary from the assembled guests. It’s like people are afraid to like children in case they are labelled a pervert or worse a paedophile.
Why is it no longer socially acceptable to like kids just because they are, well kids? This so called “paedophile paranoia” means that my husband feels like he can’t talk to the little boy at the beach about his lost toy truck or play peek-a-boo with a little girl at the supermarket checkout because it is suspected by some that his intentions aren’t pure – that he can’t possibly want to talk to the children because he just likes kids. I, on the other hand, can talk to any child, at any time and people just believe that I am maternal – good with children.
It is disconcerting that we’ve allowed ourselves to become gripped by the fear that there are paedophiles patrolling our parks.
The paranoia we feel is actually hugely disproportionate to the actual danger our kids face. Surely we shouldn’t shut down normal emotional responses or stop smiling at kids just because we’ve read a horrific story in yesterday’s newspaper.
Sexual abuse statistics, especially where there are children involved are highly unreliable because of the number of cases that go unreported. In its February 2011 publication, the Australian Institute of Family Studies reported that there were 5,880 cases of substantiated child sexual abuse in Australia 2009/10. Although this is genuinely shocking and disgusting it is worth putting into context.
The majority of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members or other persons close to the child. In fact a 2005 parliamentary inquiry found that only 15% of child sexual abuse was committed by “outsiders”. It follows that there were less than 1,000 substantiated child sexual abuse cases involving outsiders in 2009/10.
If we make a very general assumption that there are around 4 million kids in Australia under the age of 16 and that each one of them interacts with 10 “outsiders” each day, we are talking about 14,600,000,000 child /outsider interactions each year. That is one case of sexual abuse by a stranger for every 14.6 million interactions.
I’ll be honest here – my husband did the maths and research on this one – he is as good with numbers as he is with kids but the numbers make sense to me.
I’m not trying to demean the horror of child sexual abuse by allowing him to reduce the discussion to statistics but that’s the language my husband speaks – he gets the stats and probabilities but he never gets to play with the kids at the park because no one else is thinking about these numbers.
Children are cute, they have to be, or else we’d kill them, it’s an evolutionary protection mechanism. Let’s celebrate our children, encourage them to smile at strangers and encourage the strangers to smile back. Be wary yes, but don’t close yourself off – it may be that that man on the beach knows where your little boy left his truck.
Do you think we place to much emphasis on Stranger Danger? Not enough? What were you taught as a kid and if you are a parent, what do you tell your kids?
Comments
192 Comments so far
I think parents should just teach their kids not to go off alone with any stranger, male or female. Making a big deal everytime a man says hello to a kid is just going to make them scared of men who might actually be nice and helpful. Of course, it is good to be careful, but not to the point of accusing every man who likes kids of being a paedophile!
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I find it quite sad that if a woman smiles or chats to a kid it’s fine, but if a man does it he’s labelled as a paedophile, it’s the same with teachers at school, I remember when I was in school a girl had her top unbuttoned too low so her health teacher (a male) told her she had to button it up, he ended up having to leave because he got accused of looking down her top!
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I find it very sad that at school (I’m 15), if one of my female teachers was to give me a pat on the back for a good result, no one would flinch. If my only male teacher was to do so however, the classroom would go silent and gossip would flood the cohort by recess. This fact is even sadder, as I consider the two most amazing teachers I’ve ever had to both be males and one of them – shock horror – to be unmarried without kids.
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Just received a reply to a comment I put on here ages ago. That’s it for me and this website. Although there are a lot of wonderful people who comment on here regularly I am totally sick and tired of people attacking others views and thoughts. Especially when they call themselves Anon and the like, it’s easy to put an opinion on when you hide behind that. Sorry Mia, been a fan for years but farewell. Kathryn
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Thankyou for this post its fantastic!!
My husband adores kids, he grew up in a giant family and is godparent to quite a few. I am his second wife, his first wife could not conceive and he found that so heartbreaking. When we got together i had 2 children but knew he yearned for his own as well. We now have 5 and he loves it! BBQ’s and family days out always consist of him running around with all the kids wrestling and playing footy etc while their fathers swig beer and do “manly things”…it makes me so proud of him. He was a security guard at the airport a few years ago and would have the funniest little kids come in who reminded him of ours, he would have a little joke with them etc but always feared being marked as having unsavoury ideas. I am positive though that if he was ever hit with the P word he would definitly laugh in the persons face and carry on his day.
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Have to say, that even if someone was a raging paedophile, a stranger would be unable to harm your child by patting them on the head whilst you were standing in a random shop checkout aisle.
Surely the danger would be in not teaching children what they need to know to stay safe… that they are in charge of their own bodies, to make a noisy fuss if they fell they are being touched in private places, and to have a circle of adults that they can tell anything to.
This means they will be safer in public, in private, at relatives and friend’s and in their own home.
If someone wants to play and interact with my children, YAY what a lovely society!
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“Recently we went to a function where not only would no one admit to liking kids”. I’m confused how you went from this to paedophile paranoia? Maybe they really don’t like children? Not everyone does.
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Sorry I’m putting a comment late on this. After having worked in the Early Childhood field for the past 17 or 18 years I am sure of one thing – the number of reported cases is wrong…amazingly wrong. Have you ever sat in a sandpit and listened to a little 5 year old girl talking matter of factly about how her older brother can’t look after her anymore because he touched her vagina? Life changing for me. Heartbreaking. And that was years ago. In the last maybe 5 years I have heard and read things that have made me actually throw up, and be haunted for weeks. And as a grandmother, I have had those moments where men have looked at my 4 yo grandaughter and I have had no doubt of what they were thinking. It’s becoming more and more common and the internet is a problem because these bastards are linking with each other more easily than ever. I would rather offend someone by not trusting them than have something devastating happen to one of my grandchildren. I was molested by a family member as a child, and I was careful with my own kids – but these days – honestly it’s way worse. It’s just as bad for women, I am good with them but I’m wary of speaking to any in public because thier parents have no idea that I’m okay. Sometimes I wonder if I should show them my Blue Card. I understand completely why parents are distrustful of people around their kids. Sorry I will get off my soapbox, but please be careful with your precious children.
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“And as a grandmother, I have had those moments where men have looked at my 4 yo grandaughter and I have had no doubt of what they were thinking.”
I’d like to offer you a job with the FBI if you can know what people think so easily. Are you sure they weren’t simply fathers themselves overjoyed at the innocence of youth? missing their own child?
It’s this mindreading, dirty staring looks, people assuming men commit so much child abuse (whilst ignoring females, who in some stats are up to 20% of child sex abusers, and clearly also the majority of general child abuse).
It’s attitudes like that which add to the paranoia and hysteria, you can be cautious but when it comes to the point of prejudice (black people get the same thing about thinking they’ll steal something) then I find it quite offensive.
We need to go back to innocent until proven guilty or we’ll simply raise a generation of children so instilled with fear that they can’t live a life, there are much better ways to protect children then the 24/7 climate of fear…
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No actually, I don’t want a job with the FBI thanks. I just want to keep my grandkids and other littlies safe. Maybe you should get a job with the FBI, you obviously know exactly what happened without being there. Thanks for you input though.
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but these days – honestly it’s way worse. I’d suggest it’s reported more, but there aren’t more paedophiles or molesters.
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I can’t remember this (because i was about 3) but apparently one day i was at the bank with my dad. For some reason, i decided to announce to everyone “I had a shower with Daddy this morning!”
My poor father went bright red, promptly picked me up and hurried out of the bank.
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Lana – thank you so much for this story. This topic upsets me so much. There are so many double-standards and fear out there today. I’m not going to take away from people who actually have experienced abuse, or the fact that there are paedophiles out there… but it’s crazy how out of hand it has got.
The other day I was talking to a few people from uni and I mentioned we’d just visited my future stepson interstate where he lives. When they asked, I told them when my fiance or both of us visit, we stay at my parents place, all in the one room. Usually my fiance sleeps on a spare mattress and I sleep in the bed with my stepson (who’s 4), simply because my fiance is a light sleeper and his son is a wriggler! But when I don’t go along, my fiance sleeps in the bed with him. One of my peers made a comment about that being ‘weird’. I asked what she meant, and she said she thought it was ‘creepy’ for my fiance to sleep in the same bed as his son! I was horrifed. I was so angry that I asked her whether she insinuating that my fiance might sexually abuse his own son, and she got pretty embarrassed. I felt a bit bad for humiliating her, but I was just so angry. How dare anyone suggest that my fiance is a) a paedophile, b) a sexual abuser and/or c) that he would do something to hurt his own child.
We are obsessed with this culture of viewing men and their relationships with children as sinister, and in a society which then also points the finger at men and claim they are the parents which usually have less involvement with their kids, I find this bizarre.
Yes, child abuse does occurr. But even in the occurances of it happening within the known family circle, the percentage of men who actually are paedophiles is very very low. It’s a shame that people always assume something bad, because I think it’s wonderful seeing men looking after kids or engaging with them!
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Amy, this girl must have been quite young and nowhere near having kids of her own, right? Any parent knows sleeping with youngsters is common. We don’t let our 3yo in our bed simply because she won’t sleep and thinks it’s a game! How I wish she would sleep when in my bed… Call me a bad parent, but I hand her the iPad for half an hour at 5:30am, so I can snooze a bit more!
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There was a lady who posted on here yesterday. Her comments seem to be gone. Anyhow I just wanted to say to her that i’m sorry about what happened, I hope she and her child come through this, you have both been on my mind. I wish I had something more helpful to say but I don’t.
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I’m with you.
It was an amazingly brave contribution.
I wish the family all the love in the world.
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I just read the comment that said there is a prison full of sex offenders thats all thats needed to fuel my paranoia and also the case of Daniel Morcombe and agony his family has been through is enough to be very wary of strangers wanting to play peek a boo with my child i just dont like it . And to think that its usually a family member just makes my skin crawl what is wrong with these people , why are they turned on by children. I think the internet has really brought the worst out in people with these intentions .
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I hope you don’t take your children to a male doctor, or expect a male police officer, ambulance driver, fireman to save your kids lives.
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I’m more afraid of someone my children knows abusing them over a stranger because I’m aware of the stats. In fact, I’ve just ordered my child-friendly education books (A Very Touching Book and Everyone’s Got a Bottom) to start talking with my 3yo daughter about it. Communication, without creating anxiety, is key.
I have no problem with my kids chatting to people when we’re out and about as long as I’m there or they’re in a very public place.
I’ve worked in child protection/counselling and have seen the outcomes of abuse. As a result I will be very careful about whose place I leave my kids at. I’m not as paranoid as I was when I worked in that area, but I’m still lean towards hyper-vigilance.
I thought I got through my own childhood scot-free when in a tired and strange conversation with my Mum a fewvyears ago she revealed that my uncle ‘did something’ inappropriate as reported to her by my 4yo self when he was baby-sitting my brothers and I. She couldn’t remember what. He was 15yo at the time. She told their father (my Grandad) who apparently dealt with it and he never baby-sat us again. Ive never felt comfortable around him since, although we have never been close. Only seeing each other about twice a year. And I’m leaving the country to live in England in a few months time. I’ve thought about it a lot and have wondered whether I should talk to him, but I’ve leant towards not. I haven’t really known what to do with this information, and it has changed my relationship with my Mum who was shocked at my shock. He’s married with no kids and seems to me to be normal if very geeky. He doesn’t seem to go out of his way to befriend kids at all. So….
He’s friends with my brother who has kids and I’ve been wondering if I should tell him about it, as my other 2 brothers are aware. But I know I’ll be accused of ‘upsetting the apple cart’ if I do. And as neither my Mother or I can remember the details of the incident, I’m inclined to think it was ‘minor’ but it plays on one’s mind, doesn’t it? Especially after hearing all the things I’ve heard….
I did talk to a couple of counsellors at the time but nobody really gave me an inkling as to what would be best to do. Advice welcome…
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15 years old at the time and you were 4? It’s an issue. If your other two brothers know about it perhaps they could mention it. It may feel less confronting than yourself (the victim) telling him.
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Put it this way, if a child is abused by him and you could have stopped it, what would you wish you had done? So do have that awkward conversation, ít’s not pleasant but you have no idea the catastrophy you could be averting by doing so. No one needs to get lynched, just a quite conversation. Also therapists never tell you what to do do they? It’s so annoying! I really wish they would lol!
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I’m a female student teacher and it can be hard when you’re on placements. I recently did experience in a prep/grade one class and the children get so excited to have a new face in the classroom. I was on placement with another girl from uni and all the kids wanted to hold our hands and hug us constantly, but you’re not allowed to touch them at all. If a student comes to you upset you can’t put an arm around them, and you have to be careful to never be in a situation where you are alone with a student. I understand why they have these rules, but I think it’s a bit sad. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be for male teachers!
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Having recently completed teacher training, and worked in the UK as a TA with special needs kids, my understanding of this is that child-initiated contact, that the child can easily break when they want to, is perfectly fine. There are also places on the body that are OK. Holding hands (espec. for something like road safety!), a pat on the head or shoulder, or casual tap on the back is fine. Steer clear of the front of the torso, or anything above the knee. Well, anything around the legs would have to have a reason, wouldn’t it? Then you’ve got the whole first aid question, in which adequate care and treatment is at least as high a priority…
So in response to your comment, I should think an arm around the shoulders, lightly, is OK, as is a child-initiated and controlled hug. This is all on the basis of several child protection courses I’ve done in numerous contexts (every time I’ve undertaken to work with kids in a new context, paid or volunteer!) Definitely avoid being alone with a child without others being able to hear and see what’s going on, though.
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Can you reference your source for the 3 out of 4 etc, including ages, who there abusers are and what sort of abuse. I find that an incredible amount……
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Good article – I have worked in criminal justice for many years and have often been surprised at the community perception that pedophiles all have greasy hair and coke bottle glasses. There is a prison which is full of sex offenders, many of whose victims are children and they all look like someones’s grandad, which they often are. Most kids ( and for that matter adult victims) are abused by someone they know and trust. Stranger danger is a dangerous myth which prevents people from perceiving where the real danger lies – often within the family
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“If I saw a man……. I will have whatever opinion I want of that person”
So, I will have the opinion that you are being a bit hysterical by demanding this article be removed. It’s valid and reasonable that people should be able to discuss this – and judging by most of the comments, people do see this widespread paranoia as problematic.
A fear culture is being created where people are not using common sense and good judgment about how adults and children can relate to each other, and instead relying on damaging assumptions – all childless men who like children must be pedophiles, all fathers who sleep in the same bed as their children must be pedophiles, anyone who talks to a lost child must be a pedophile, any grandfather spending time with his granddaughter must be a pedophile, any man making any comment about or even looking at a child must be a pedophile.
It’s beyond ridiculous.
So, have your opinions if you like. But realize that it’s not just pedophiles that hurt children. Consider how confused a child would be if they are taught to fear every stranger, every male. Consider the hurt and shame involved in a child being made to feel that they can’t even hug their own father at the school gate. If you’re instilling constant fear and shame about a child’s interactions with adults, then it’s you who is hurting them, not some random pedophile.
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I never said anything about having an hysterical reaction to that persons face, please don’t cut my words up to suit your own agenda either thanks. I don’t foster fear in my child, I simply would walk up, stand close and smile. If at a point I thought it inappropriate to continue (in saying this, I’ve never had to do this, so it’s a mute point) I’d take my daughter’s hand and walk away. I know the statistics of family members to strangers who abuse, it’s 12% strangers and 88% family/family friends. Anyway, that’s ok because you have your opinion, I will protect my child however I see fit.
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I was telling my male work colleague how my kids (9 and 11) take turns sleeping with me when my partner is away and that the kids consider it a big treat and I just love having a little person to cuddle all night.
His wife has been away on and off for months this year as her father is dying, and he sadly told me that despite his 9 year old daughter asking to do what my kids do, he doesnt allow it, for fear she will go to school and announce that she slept in bed with daddy last night, and people might think hes abusing her.
Made me really glad Im a mum and not a dad.
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One of my best friends is a male primary school teacher. He works in a remote area where there aren’t any other male teachers and usually he loves it.
When he arrived in town the response was overwhelmingly positive. The parents were all very welcoming and loved seeing him interact with the kids.
He said its still like that most of the time. However, when he does something certain parents don’t agree with discipline-wise, the first thing to come out of their mouth is something along the lines of ‘paedophile’.
I think we forget that it isn’t just that the accusation is not true or fair or is insulting – it’s also incredibly hurtful.
I love that he’s doing something he loves. I hope he doesn’t let this sort of thing change his mind.
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That is exactly the point I am making – so many children miss out on positive male role models because of this paranoia that men can’t possibly just like children in the same way that women do
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It’s not just men getting the pedophile treatment.. I am a non-creepy female in my twenties who noticed a toddler in a food court, wandering around looking bewildered, quivering lip going, about to cry, obviously lost. I asked her if she knew where her parents were, what her mummy or daddy’s name was, if she could remember what they were wearing, et cetera. I lifted her up so she could scan the food court, just in case she could see them, but she couldn’t… so I decided to take her to center management so they could put an announcement over the PA system.
We were halfway there when her Mum swooped on us, grabbed the kid and shot me a look of utter contempt, saying, “How dare you speak to my child?” before storming off.
It’s absolutely idiotic.
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Some people are awful.
I rescued a little girl from being caught in an escalator. I picked her up under her arms an deposited her at the bottom.
Her mum wanted to kill me for touching her daughter- but little kids have had their faces ripped off from falling on the bottom of escalators….
Some people just suck!
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That’s so strange – I got the hem of my dress caught on an escalator when I was a kid, and it was a stranger who grabbed me and (ripping my dress in the process) pulled me away from the scary metal teeth bit.. my Mum was so grateful!
It’s tremendous that such a huge culture shift can happen in just a few decades..
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Feel free to help my toddler if you see her in that situation!
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Sadly, now I have severe reservations about helping a kid out if they seem like they are lost or in trouble..
That’s why this is such a bad thing. People are trying to protect their kids, but it’s actually having the opposite effect, if people are too scared to help a child when they need it.
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I am one of four girls and we grew up with the most affectionate and loving father of anyone I have ever known. My dad grew up in a very cold, uncaring family and promised himself that he was never going to be like that – and he wasn’t. He was always – and to this day – hugging us, holding our hands, massaging our shoulders, and even our feet after a hard day (or night).
Sooo many people commented to my mum or us that this was weird, or crossing a line, but my mum always just said to us that we only had to take whatever we were comfortable with and let her know and she would handle it. But we never had a problem with it, and I still cannot explain to people what it is like to feel so loved and protected by a strong man who you can trust.
My sisters and I were not sexually abused (we’re all really close so we talk about anything and everything) and are all in really strong relationships with good men, and we all agree that this is partly due to the fact that we all knew what good love felt like from a really young age, we all knew how we should be treated and we all knew that men can be loving and gentle and that this is what we are entitled to.
You can imagine that between four girls we have had some pretty scary experiences and close calls, but we have survived pretty much unscathed and I believe it is because we had such a strong sense of what feels right that we knew very quickly when a situation felt wrong.
My point, finally, help your kids build strong relationships with good people – men and women – and this will be their best defence because even if the worst happens, they will have many people to turn to and many people to support them through all of their ups and downs
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This is gorgeous. I grew up in a similar environment. My Dad’s own father left at age 11, and his mother was very depressed. He wanted to be the father he never had. As kids he was the one who did our pigtails for school, he played games with us in the evenings and on weekends, when we were really little we even used to bathe with him (some people find this REALLY creepy, but it was just cos it’s easier to sit in the bath with your kids when they’re babies!). My two sisters and I were all close to our mum too, but Dad was the one who we asked to buy us tampons and chocolate when we got our periods etc.
When I talk about how close I am to my Dad some people do get a suspicious look on their face. I just try and ignore it, because I know what I have with my Dad and so do my sisters. My brother in law is the same now – three little girls, my sister workds full time so he actually is a stay at home Dad, and people give him some funny looks sometimes because he plays with his girls. It’s infuriating!
But so lovely to hear someone else had a cuddly and involved Dad
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I’m 33, and I make friends my own age. When I fall in love , I fall in love with people who are in my age group, when I have an interest in someone intellectually, it is generally because I can relate to that person, because we have been though common hardships or have common interests. I can have a superficial liking for a child that isn’t mine, but it will never become a friendship, because we are not on the same page regarding life experience and emotional level. Paedophiles, being convinced that adulthood is a curse that has been cast on them and that, at heart, they are really able to relate to children (even if they are wrong about this, they do believe it), feel differently about this. They are hard to spot, because they do think they can be actually friends with children, and even lovers. if they “see” signs of consent, mostly signs that they’re making up and they just block out the rest. I have been abused as a child, and I’m not saying I could spot a sociopath who would abduct and rape a child, but I can spot the grooming “falling in love” kind. They are the ones who have non adult friends.
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“[Paedophiles] are the ones who have non adult friends”. I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. I’m a 30 year old man that loves kids, but I’m not a paedophile. I was a kid once and so I can totally relate to children. I have a younger nephew of around 13 now, for example, who I like to think of as a friend. Kids see the world in a different way to adults, and I think that’s why I enjoy spending time with them. For one, they’re not as jaded as adults and tend to see the wonder in ordinary things. Sometimes I feel like the older we get, the less wise we become. Sounds like you’ve had a traumatic experience as a child, but don’t let that convince you any adult that likes children is a sicko. Spend a little time with a kid, ask them how they see the world. You may just grow a little wiser.
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Looks like you didn’t get my point, or maybe you just forget the difference there is between “liking children” , which i do, and “having friends who are children”, which I don’t. Even your nephew is someone you “like to think of as a friend”, not a buddy you could picture yourself hanging out with for a long period of time, there will always be things you can’t really tell him and things he won’t be able to understand, he will always have surprisingly immature reactions at times right after a very deep conversation, simply because he’s not done being a child yet. So he can’t be your friend, not in any adult way. He can only be a friend if you adapt your behaviour to his level of maturity. If you didn’t, you’d be acting in an irresponsible way. What I was talking about is somehing different. I can just sense the difference, but maybe it is hard to put into words…..
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I think we live in scary times. I live on the Sunshine Coast, and as one could understand our community has been shaken to the core by the sad news of the Daniel Morcombe investigation. It has been all over the news, papers and internet. My children and I watched the Police Commissioners statement live when it was announced they’d made an arrest.
In the weeks since this, the number of reports of suspicious characters around the area have increased. My own son (8) suspects he was followed by a car while visiting a friend around the corner (not even 100 meters away). So the police came out, took a statement and confirmed to me that there were convicted child sex offenders living in our suburb (one of my neighbours mentioned it to me when I told him of my son being followed).
Now I have children who want to move house, who are not able to walk in our own street alone to visit their friends anymore. My son even specified he did not want me parking next to cars resembled the one that followed him.
I am trying not to feed their fear but given the recent times I cannot help but be a paranoid parent.
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Coastmum, look at the stats, tragic thought the Morcombe case is, it is thankfully rare. Your kids are at more danger from family members or close friends. I had one client say to me “stranger danger helps paedophiles because when you stop being a stranger they don’t fear you any more.”
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I got followed on my way to school (late) one day in the 70s and eventually chased to the school gate. I was 10 and it was very frightening, but I did get over it. I was glad that my parents had taught me that not all strangers had good intentions and to run for help if I felt the need to.
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Wouldn’t the increased coverage of the capture of Daniel Morcombe’s killer have increased perception of people following others, etc?
I think it’s kind of strange that you watched a press conference with an 8 year old. I think THAT is feeding their fear.
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I remember once when I was about 11, my mum had all her friends over and as a treat dad took me out to my first fancy restaurant for dinner. My dad worked alot and I didn’t get to see him much so it was a real treat having one on one time with him. During the meal I remember there was this couple staring at us and when I asked dad why he said sometimes people think it looks weird when grown men are out and about with little girls. At the time I thought how funny it’s my dad, but now I just think how unfair!
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I am quite happy for men to chat to my kids at the supermarket, or for LittleDude to run and put some money in a charity bucket staffed by a man. I will admit to keeping a close eye, but really I feel I can trust my gut and have never felt any kind of threat or unease.
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We have a rule in our house that if we have friends over for playdates that doors must always be left open in bedrooms or where ever the children happen to be. I have done a lot of study and research over the years about child abuse and one thing that does happen is that children who have been abused themselves can sometimes exhibit sexualised behaviour and can also act this out with their own friends. A friend told me last year about a situation where her other friend had a little boy over to play with her son and when this lady went into her little boys bedroom she found both he and his friend were undressed. His friend (same age) wanted to make a movie. And sadly it transpires that this wasn’t the first time . Maybe it’s just childish curiousity or maybe not but all I know is in my house doors are always open when friends are over. Beachmummy this sounds similiar to your situation and i’m so sorry about it. This is just heartbreaking for you and your little girl.
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When my daughter was 18 months old I was walking near a beach with her. An older gentleman stopped to talk to us and he remarked on how much red was in her hair, so we had a general conversation about red hair in my family (not much!) and so on. I tired to fight my natural urge to be distrustful of him and the fact that he was commenting on her appearance was making me uncomfortable. Then as we were walking away he was about to say something like “yes she’s very beautiful” or something like that and he stopped himself. I could see he was rethinking what he was about to say and struggling for words so I just said “thanks, we think she’s a cutie!” and said our goodbyes. I could see how uncomfortable it was for him and I really felt for him.
That interaction made me sad because I could see he was just a friendly man having a chat, but it also made me realilse how much society has changed since I was a child. I was sexually abused as a little girl, by my half brother and a friend of my fathers. My half brother abused me over a number of years or so and my fathers friend molested me just once. Even typing this, 30+ years later is upsetting for me. So let me share what I know about paedophiles and hopefully you will get an insight I wish I didn’t have (though it does ensure my children are far less likely to be abused because of my knowledge).
Firstly i’d like to address this idea that kids have an “ïnstinct” about people. My fathers friend was in our lives for a good few years before he ever molested me. He was great fun, brought sweets and made me and my younger brother laugh. I felt comfortable with him. This was during the time my own half brother was abusing me so if anyone should have been able to spot a potential abuser you would have thought I would be that person but that’s not how it worked. And so he molested me one day when he found me at home (my mum was a nurse and worked nights, she was asleep upstairs, so I was old enough to be left alone, as such) It was a one off but the damage was done. So PLEASE stop attributing this amazing sixth sense to children. In hindsight I was being groomed but I never, ever felt a weird vibe off him. If we as adults can’t pick a potential abuser then why should your child be able to do so?
Also I am convinced that sexual abuse is highly undereported. I know of 3 good friends who have told me their own terrible stories and none of us have ever gone to the police about it. So that makes 4 stories that have never gone on record. That’s just in my circle alone. Although it is very acceptable for me to talk about the ensuing years of depression, self-harm and heavy drinking that I went through as a result, it is simply NOT acceptable for me to also add to my story “I was sexually abused”. Even this morning at playgroup I talked quite openly about how I tried anti-deppressants last year for a while and another parent spoke about them too. No one batted an eyelid and that’s great but I know I can never share the full story with these people. People simple don’t want to know.
So as far as my children go I have taught my daugher about her private areas. Her vagina is her vagina, not wee wee or otherwise. Her brother has a penis, and we all have areas that no one is allowed touch, even mummy or daddy! (that does make bath time hard but I respect her right to say no). I make sure to take away the mystic of genitals. She is not allowed keep secrets with adults at all or secrets with kids that make her uncomfortable.
I will never leave her alone with a male except my Husband. No one. Not ever. My husband finds this rule hard but he understands, I will NEVER drop her at a party and leave. Not unless I know the family very well and even then I can’t see me ever doing it.
I know you can pick holes in the above, even my husband says they don’t make sense. Women can abuse too so really I shouldn’t leave her with a woman either and in truth that has only happened once that I have left her with a friend (not counting childcare). I know I can’t wrap her in cotton wool and I know I will be the same with her brother when he gets older (he’s only 15 months right now) but I will try my damdest to do so. Because sexual abuse is not like an illness, you don’t recover from it. Once it happens it’s done and you can’t undo it. It changes the course of your life forever and some people get back on track but lots don’t. As for me I have dealt with it as much as I am ever going to. But I am not the person I was born to be because of what i’ve been through. Every day I fight the remnants of it, the anxiety and the nervousness are part of me now but they shouldn’t be. This is as good as it gets and I will take that but please, please, please watch over your children a little more. I have no foolproof guidelines, I know that even as careful as I am, my children could still be abused and that’s hard to live with for me but it’s very, very unlikely to happen because I am so careful. I am a helicopter parent and I am proud of that.
I would also ask that you please respect me and my experiences in your reply to this post. I don’t need you to tell me how to parent my child or to tell me how I can’t protect them from everything. I know this. Just also be aware that although you have not been sexually abused I can almost guarantee that you do know somebody who has been, it is far more widespread than we realise and if we are becoming more wary as a society I for one welcome it because maybe a time might come when I can be open about my sexual abuse like others can be about being gay or suffering from depression, subjects that were once taboo. The more aware we are, the more light we shine on this huge problem then the less places these people have to hide and the safer OUR children will be. (I haven’t even used my alias to post here as even online I don’t want people to know!)
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Sorry I mean to say “mystique’ above, not “mystic” lol!
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Thank you for sharing your experience.
So, maybe your worry about your kids is slightly irrational. Maybe. But what-ever. It sounds like you are a great parent and you are doing a fantastic job of living with your experiences.
I am not getting my words to come out right.
I just want to say I really value your input.
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I beg to disagree. As a parent I feel that sometimes I should relax a bit about some things.
Anyway, I was referring to No Easy Answers saying she knows she can pick holes in her own behaviours- I was certainly not having a go.
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Thank you Red Balloon. I do think there are times when i’m irrational but my counselling has taught me to work through it, how to not let the past dictate my day to day life (and that of my children). But it can be hard.
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Every time an issue regarding my children arises I always run it past my mum. Her answer without fail is always the same:- theyre your children, you only get one chance with them. Only let them do what you feel comfortable with, and never apologise for protecting them because if they cant rely on their mum to keep them safe nobody else will.
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Lu, this is exactly how I feel! You’re mum sounds great. You’re lucky to have such a wise woman in your life.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story and congratulations on your courage as a parent……I was not abused as a child……having said this I happly say I am a paranoid parent of our 4 children, I know it may sound harsh to some but my kids are not allowed on school camps, or sleepovers I am constantly being pressured by teachers and other parents but I just cant allow it, we always go camping etc so they are not really missing out on too much…….my kids are well adjusted, not at all shy and we constantly talk to strangers at the park etc but until they are adults they know Mum is gonna be one step away…… better to be safe than sorry xoxo
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Lovelife: I hope my kids grow up to be that way too, that is the balance I am striving for, but it’s hard to know if i’m getting it right because I don’t “see” the world like someone who has not been abused and i’m not always sure i’m reacting correctly. I’m always seeing the danger
School camps and sleep overs are going to be very tricky for me to negotiate, but i’ll cross that bridge etc and I too won’t let anyone elses opinions influence my decisions if I truly believe i’m doing the right thing.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I have not been abused however my mum was by an immediate family member so I have lived with it in a very different sense. I also was approached by a stranger when I was younger. Due to these experiences I do what I need to to ensure my child is safe – sounds like that’s what you are doing too.
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Always Anonymous how do you feel about your mum confiding in you? I’ve often thought about whether I would tell my children my history when they are adults and I don’t think I ever would. I don’t want them to know what I went through but maybe when they are adults things will change, though I can’t see it.
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It actually helped me understand my Mum better. I am the youngest of 3 girls, and we were told when I was 16. We were only told as Mum was going through an extremely difficult time and she wanted us to know that it wasn’t anything to do with us. I think it has affected my sisters and I completely differently – Mum can talk to me about it and I have no problem. I don’t think she would with my eldest sister, and I don’t think she could with my other sister, if that makes any sense! For me the only ‘bad’ thing to come out of it – I dont think about or recognise that I had a maternal grandfather. I just can’t because I can’t understand why or how he could do that. (Also, he had been dead a few years before we were told). It made me respect my Dad more too – he supported my Mum in still seeing her family and having us involved with her family.
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Wow, NoEasyAnswer I think you have every right to act and feel the way you do. You are parenting the best way you know how and I think that’s wonderful. It does make me sad the interaction with your daughter and the man, but I think with your history even more so that you are entitled to act this way. I haven’t been sexually abused, I had a very privileged upbringing and haven’t’ really ever met anyone who has been (well that has admitted to it), but thank-you for enlightening me on this scary world we live in a bit more- I know I will need to be more wary with my own children one day.
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Thanks AmyKate. I was sad too that day after the conversation with the man. It was a reminder to me how different I am to the rest of the world, and his awkwardness at complimenting her was a reminder of how much the world has changed. I love having a chat and could have talked to this man all day, he was chatty too and it was a nice, off the cuff conversation. But even as we were speaking I could see my demons rising up “why is he commenting on her hair?” “if I wasn’t here, would he have grabbed her and run?”. Sad to say but that’s what runs through my head but thanks to counselling I was able to relax (kind of!) and just chat with him. It was not a scary situation, it was not dangerous, but my childhood turned it into that. That is the day to day reality of living with sexual abuse. It never goes away, you just manage it.
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Great response and I agree!
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Whatever is said on the subject, it can be taken the wrong way. If a person likes kids, they’re paedophiles, if they don’t like kids, they’re anti-social, anti-family, homophobic.
Nobody is allowed to be natural any more.
Shame
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hmmmm Lana i have a problem with any stranger touching my daughter. Its not because i think they are a pedophile, but more about what germs they have!! Everytime i go out with my 5 month old i always get people trying to touch her hand or cheek when she smiles at them. I dont mind them smiling at her, or talking to her but i HATE them touching her. I think what irks me is i try to keep her healthy and then someone with a old will touch her and cough around her
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Our local butcher loves my 2.5yo. He’s pretty young and doesn’t have kids yet but is always telling me lovely things about how much he likes my son. Even if he’s out the back of the shop, if he sees me he comes out to give my son a sticker and have a little chat. It’s really sweet and it makes my son smile every time!
A couple of times when we first started shopping there, this butcher would say things like ‘I hope it’s not weird for me to say this, but your little boy is really sweet’ or ‘I hope you don’t mind me talking to him like this’. I nipped it in the bud pretty early on and made it clear that I thought he was being really nice.
I was so sad that this guy who really obviously just really likes having kids around, and is really great with them, felt awkward knowing whether he was being appropriate or not. I hope we’ve been able to encourage him not to feel so bad about being not even just normal but nice!!
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Can people please stop abbreviating the word paedophile to pedo. It makes it seem less serious. Thanks.
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This is a highly emotive subject!
I was sexually abused by my brother-in-law when I was twelve years old. having had that experience and now having two children of my own my blood pressure literally skyrockets and I see red whenever I think of anyone ever touching my kids. I think I could literally tear anyone apart with my own bare hands!
That said, being a single mother I do always encourage their interaction with male role models however they first have to pass my scruitny and gut instinct before being left alone with my children. A strange man coming up to us in the street and interacting with my children would have me feeling very uncomfortable depending on their approach. And lets face it – we are not about to leave opur kids alone with someone they just met in the supermarket line!
I also always ensure that my children know that they can always talk to me about anything. I have even spoken with them about the secrets that are OK to be kept from mummy such as a secret birthday present and those that are not.
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Yes! Finally! I think it’s really sad when I smile at a child aged about 4-9 year old and they don’t smile back.
How can we build mature, emotionally-open adults if we teach kids such fear?
We need to teach kids how to judge people appropriately so that they are able to discern danger and look after themselves. This doesn’t include harmless, friendly people in shopping centres.
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My best friend’s husband recently told me he got told off by a woman for taking a photo of his own daughter on the playground equipment – he went prematurely grey in his early twenties so he probably looks a bit older than most dads of toddlers…anyhow, the woman was I guess worried her own child might be in the photograph and quickly took her kid home. Sad, really.
Here’s a tricky one…my husband and I are the godparents of my sister’s little boy. She has a VRO against the estranged father so they are not allowed to speak to each other, but he has supervised visits occasionally.
When babysitting, I noticed that my nephew (4years) has been having terrible problems with his foreskin and doesn’t know how to clean it properly. I’ve discussed it with my sister and told her to talk to his GP about it but so far nothing has changed. My sister has tried to teach him what to do but he refuses to let her do it for him and obviously she can’t ‘demonstrate’ the technique. Understandably, my husband is also concerned but knows that despite being his uncle, it would be inappropriate to try and teach our nephew the right way to clean it. What to do???
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I don’t think this is tricky at all. You don’t need to have personal knowledge of foreskins to teach how to clean a penis. I taught my boys and not only do I not have a penis, I didn’t even have to touch theirs – I talked them through it. Most boys become naturally adept at playing with their foreskin once their penis is within easy reach (ie after they get into undies!!). My husband is circumcised so even if he wanted to teach the boys he couldn’t. I would imagine, if this is of significant concern, you could suggest your husband teach your nephew in the presence of his Mum.
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Re the foreskin issue, if you discussed it with your first first and she had no issue with your hubby talking to him about it then I don’t think it is inappropriate at all. Your husband is very likely to play a fatherly role to this boy for a long time to come.
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I touched upon this in a column recently when discussing the reaction of people to a male being the primary care giver:
http://www.coastkidsmagazine.com.au/coast-kids-features/item/144-daddy-diaries
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Last year I went on an adventure holiday to a small, isolated outback town, and I was taken aback by the polite, friendly children who looked me in the eye and said “G’day, how are you?” in the main street. I’ve become so used to city kids who avert their eyes and rush to their parents if you so much as smile.
I believe it’s important to teach your kids a balance. One day they may need to ask a stranger for help, and it’s important that they know that the vast majority of adults are good people. (… and will be more scared by the request for help than the child will be!) I don’t know how to achieve that balance, but parenting has never been an exact science.
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I accept that my work and experinces skew my view on this subject matter, but very recently a person who I trusted my daughter to on a daily basis was charged with child sex offences.
Now of all people, I “should have known”. and I can not tell you how much grief and guilt I have felt about my decision to leave my daughter in this persons care. (she is fine BTW)
It is my belief that it is actually a lot more common then people believe- I have heard Stats from child protection authorities that would place reported child abuse cases at less then 5% of the reality.
an example of this was a few years ago an astromony website in eastern Europe (poland?) was hacked and Child sex abuse images were posted. Within a few hours, it recieved millions of hits. When police investigated and distributed the information globally to police, they found 70,000 seperate IP adresses in Australia had accessed that one site in a few short hours- so whats the math on that?
Having had time to consider this and discuss it in depth with my husband this is the conclusion I have come to :
These people are in our communities. They are in our own families. it is more common then most people think. My child *is* going to and in fact, already has, come in contact with a person who is sexually attracted to children.
All I can do as her parent is make the best decision I can. Make sure she knows what is right and wrong and and anything that makes her uncomfortable she must tell mummy or daddy (or a number of other safe adults that we have discussed with her).
It’s ok to say NO to anyone- even mum and dad (but by god that is frustrating !) we never, ever keep secrets.
I am very careful about the information I put out there, and I never, ever post photos of her on the internet.
- I absolutely agree with maralady below about teaching kids to trust their instincts.
I don’t limit the contact that my daughter has with men- on the contrary in fact- the first person I call if I need a baby sitter is a male friend of mine- I have known him for over 15 years (since we were teenagers) and she absolutely adores him and vice versa.
but it is out there and more then anything you need to teach yourself and your children protective behaviours to make them less appealing as a victim.
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Definitely a good idea not to post pictures of your daughter on the internet. I was driving some young girls the other day (I am a leader for a girls group). One of them had accessed a photo that, apparently, one of the other girl’s mothers had posted on facebook (of her in the bath when she was younger). The girls were threatening to send or show it to boys. They didn’t, and I didn’t see the photo, but to call this sexting or child exploitation wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
I agree that the perceived threat makes it difficult for men to prove themselves trustworthy and safe around children – my husband is the same. Educating children to be open and honest, and to understand their boundaries is the best option – better, probably, than treating everyone with suspicion.
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I was sexually abused by a close family friend when I was about 6. (wow, never thought writing that line would be incredibly hard to do)
I definitely have paedophilia paranoia – I don’t have kids but I do have nieces and nephews. I’m extremely protective of them and always suspicious of strangers or family friends talking or touching them – I’m sure most have good intentions.
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I get the point of this story and I do agree that the paranoia exists. You are right that stats surrounding child sexual abuse are unreliable and that they are so because of the massive number of unreported offences but this would obviously make the ‘danger’ odds higher.
When I lived in our capital city I was your typical paranoid mum (not just with this topic but everything!). Now that we have moved to the country I’m more relaxed much to my son’s delight. Having experienced sexual abuse of a child in our immediate family (by another family member) and my work in a sexual assault focused service (also mostly intrafamilial abuse), it took me a while to use my personal and professional knowledge to relax instead of to become irrational!
It can happen in a second by someone you completely trust and knowing that can be dangerous. I’ve taught my son to listen to his tummy- if it feels bad it probably is so just walk away and find someone you trust. Shortly after the ‘trsuting your tummy’ talk we went for a long drive and stopped at a remote service station for a toilet break. My son was at that age where he insisted on going to the men’s bathroom so I let him. When he got in the car he said “You know how you told me about my tummy feeling bad? Well it did just then because there was a man in the other toilet making wierd noises”. I don’t know if that man was just making normal bathroom noises or was up to something else but that confirmed to me that my son ‘got it’ and that he would watch out for himself when I wasn’t watching out for him.
I believe hypervigilance in parents causes paranoia in kids but I also know that people are alot more concerned about the risk of sexual abuse these days, not because it is happening more but because it is reported more in the media and we are more consistently subject to media coverage than ever before (think instant FB updates on your phone, or chain emails or even the many new different ‘news’ shows on every night). It’s a double edged sword and should be taken with a pinch of salt or at least subject to common sense as opposed to blind belief that everything you see or hear in the news is a completely objective and accurate story!
Great article Lana. As a woman, i don’t deny that men are often subject to completely unjustified judgments based solely on gender and this is sad. For those of us single mums with boys (and probably girls or even nuclear families), it would be great to have more male teachers and if this concept is putitng men off working in fields that involve interaction with children then that is truly tragic.
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You bring up an important point. Most abuse occurs by people who are well known or family to the victim, not random creepy guy loitering around parks.
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Ok. Had a whole spiel about a bunch of stuff. But, thinking, actually, that it is just about the love. Blokes want to bliss out on the magic that are kids, as much as the rest of us. What do we do? To change the messy, sensationalist, indivualistic, unequal social quagmire we have created for ourselves? I don’t know the answers. Some genuine, sincere and respectful conversations between the sexes on issues around abuse and violence would be a fabulous start. I think sometimes, blokes who aren’t violent, who are as equally repulsed by abuse and violence, think that it isn’t a discussion they need to engage in, other than to maintain repulsion and distance. Meanwhile, often, women are left raising abused children solely (cos as the article accurately points out, family members are usually the abusers), with few resources, and little social or community understanding. No wonder we feel protective and wary … we want to keep at bay that desperate life of solitary defensiveness and inadequacy, and anyone who is not willing to be of assistance. I’m thinking, this article has prompted some long held, rarely voiced thoughts … that more so now than ever before do we need the qualities, resources and support of men who are decent and gentle. It also makes me think that for this to happen, those same men … the gentle, resourceful and decent ones need to do a hell of a lot more than keeping on being sweet.
Thanks for the article … your bloke is putting his hand up, vicariously, to be part of this conversation … which is about so much more than sensationalist paedophilia fears.
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Good on you, Lana, for daring to write this article. I have noticed “paedophil-ophobia” too.
I agree. The stranger-danger message is a bit crazy. In my experience, it just makes kids feel confused (at best) or anxious. As my 4yo said, after a school police visit: “I learned that shopping centres are a good place to meet strangers”. Hmmm.
Abuse, sexual or otherwise is most likely to happen from someone a child knows (and trusts). As you rightly pointed out.
As a kid, I once had a gut feeling that a family friend was “not nice”. He gave me the creeps, though the adults thought he was great. Turns out (years later) I was right, he was abusing young boys in his care.
Rather than inculcate fear, lets develop kid’s (and our own) instincts and encourage healthy boundary setting.
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My 4.5yo girl has a male kindy teacher and a male swimming teacher. I love that she has these male influences in her life. Some people were worried about the swimming teacher being male because he touches her in togs! OMG! Better let her drown instead!
Of course, it helps that he’s really hot… it’s a nice way to spend 1/2 an hour of a Friday morning…
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this made me laugh out loud! and i bet your little girl thinks he’s hot too. my 4.5 year old has impeccable taste in men
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two of my girls aged 10 and 12 have ‘adopted’ a family friend as an uncle. He takes them to the park, to the mall, buys ice cream, etc. He takes the place of grandpa because my father is not involved in their lives and their other grandfather just couldn’t be bothered. I’ve had alot of people comment on how ‘wrong’ it is that this man cares for my kids this way. I talk on a regular basis with my kids, about what is acceptable behaviour and what is not and also what to do if something does happen to them. Why should my kids miss out on a special friendship because of a paranoia of paedophilia? This relationship gives them a great male role model. And why does this man like my kids? Why would a relationship between a female of his age not be questioned but because he is a male it is?? Does that mean every male that enjoys kids company is a paedophile? No wonder we are suffering from lack of male primary school teachers – why would you bother if you are going to be labelled like that?
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Interesting timing – I just had a paranoia moment this morning.
I was walking my kids to the local playground, my son in his pram and his big sister (4 years old) trailing behind. The postman came by on his motorbike and I turned and asked my daughter to move off the footpath so he could pass on his bike. As he went past he said “thanks honey, you’re a real little cutie”. As his bike went past me he said “she’s a cutie”. For a few seconds I felt ill. My first thought was ‘what an inappropriate thing for a grown man to say to a little girl’. But then I reflected on it and thought ‘why on earth does it have to be that bad, perhaps he is just a man who thought she had a cute face – nothing more’.
I think we need to chill out and not embrace the hysteria.
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I just thought of an interesting case. A friend of some friends of mine brought her new partner along to some social things and they were getting to know each other. The partner was in his 30s, no kids. He got on well with their children, four girls. Then he started to focus on their oldest girl, about 13, and spent most of his time at their place talking with her or playing a board game, or whatever. Then, out of the blue, he rang one day and invited her to come shopping with him in town.
My friends weren’t comfortable with that, and said no. So – what would people do? How do you tell if this is “grooming”, or just inappropriate that an adult man is seeking a friendship witha 13 year old girl, or was it completely fine?
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Go with your gut! I don’t think its right.
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This is NOT RIGHT. Please read Protecting The Gift by Gavin de Becker… Then tell this man where to shove it.
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Sorry, thats simply not normal. I dont know any grown man who would invite a 13yo girl to go shopping with him. Most dads dont even want to do that.
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Errrr, no, definitley not normal.
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Totally inappropriate in my opinion.
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There is chatting to another person’s kid at a group function, and then there’s inviting that child out by themselves… Two different things, the second I wouldn’t be comfortable with either.
My dad loves kids similar to Lana’s husband and would never suggest hanging w a teen alone.
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“The partner was in his 30s, no kids.”
For all you know, perhaps he has a younger sister he misses. Or he just damn well likes the company of an older child. Would it have made any difference if he was a father? Why is someone automatically untrustworthy just because they do not have kids? Based on the stats, on balance of probability, a person who has children of their own is more likely to abuse a child than someone who does not have kids.
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I’m a children’s portrait photographer. Unfortunately, I’m also a man and this often puts people off hiring me. The majority of my work comes through word of mouth because people feel comfortable & confident talking about and recommending my work and style of interaction with children. I don’t often get ‘outside’ enquiries because people tend to assume that an adult male wanting to work with children must have dodgy intentions. The fact that I use a camera doesn’t help. It’s such a shame that this is where we’ve got to as a society: distrusting, isolating and fearful of litigation.
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That’s really sad. My father is a photographer and he always made sure he was never alone with a client. On a different note, he went overseas to take photos for a friends wedding. On his way back through customs they checked all his photos and camera equipment. He was just thinking they were checking for drugs. It wasn’t till he told my mum that she said “they probably thought you had child porn.” we all had a bit of a laugh cos there was Dad proudly showing off his gorgeous wedding photos not having a clue as to what the customs people thought! Luckily he is retired now so he doesn’t have to go through what you do. He still takes a lot of photos when we are out and about including his grand kids. I would be really angry if someone saw that and was weirded out.
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I hear ya loud and clear. I am also a photographer and love working with kids. Recently my business partner and I had a session with a new born girl in her home with her parents. This came about because my business partner approached the couple in the supermarket and offered to take shots of their adorable child.
Without hesitation they accepted the offer. My business partner is an older woman, very motherly in her nature. I believe will all my core that had I been the one to approach the couple and young child I would have been seen as some kind of freak.
Being a male “people” photographer these days is hard work.
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I remember a few years ago we noticed what we thought was a creepy old man loitering around my kids sport training. Us parents all watched him closely thinking he was an old perve watching the kids and we discussed whether or not to call the Police….turns out he was a grandfather waiting to pick up his granddaughter from training.
On another tangent, my cousin who is a smart sporty blokey guy wanted to be a school teacher for as long as I can remember. So when he finally did his HSC and got into teaching at Uni he copped endless bagging from his mates. His new nickname was ‘peda’. Apart from the fact that was shocking its possibly also goes to explain why so few men go into teaching.
Anyway, thankfully he ignored all the crap from his mates and he is now a great dedicated teacher and our kids are worse off for not having more guys like him in the profession.
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I think it would be a fair bet to assume there are men who’d otherwise become teachers, if not for paedophile paranoia.
I think also it would be fair to think there are times men do not help kids or sign up for mentoring because they are scared of paedophile paranoia.
It’s a shame we just people by race, or religion or gender based on what a small percentage of them do.
It’s not until prejudice becomes unnacceptable that any meaningful change will happen.
Unfortunately there are too many people that think keeping men away from kids is a good thing…..
…Until the fireman enters their burning house to save their kids.
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When I was working as a teacher in Australia, there were only 2 male teachers in the school I worked at, one was the P.E teacher and the other a classroom teacher. At uni though there was a good number of male students in my Primary Education class.
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I agree that prejudice is bad, but I think your other points are speculation.
Who are these people who think keeping men away from kids is a good thing? Where do you see that? Where is it argued for? Men are actually encouraged to become teachers, and get preference for teaching jobs. Parents like their kids to have male teachers and principals like to hire them. That is fact.
As for whether men don’t become teachers or mentors because of the fear of paranoia – there are plenty of young men in OSHC services, plenty who run vacation sports clinics and coach sporting teams, plenty involved in scouts and other such groups. The downturn of men in teaching is largely due to the reduced status of teaching and greater opportunities for higher pay and professional status in other fields.
I think this is the equivalent of Tony Abbot talking down the economy….
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Willaway
I’m not sure if you are disagreeing with me.
Are you saying there are not a lot of people with paedophile paranoia and this isn’t an issue?
Most of societal and cultural normatives are not argued for in stone policy.
But they are there.
I’m not saying that all men turning away from teaching are doing so because of PP, but I think it’s not a huge leap to assume some of them are. Not all of them, but definitely some of them – If I came across (which I didn’t think I did) as saying all of them, then that is not what I meant to convey.
Some of them.
I’m not Tony Abbot and I’m not talking down anything, I just know that as a male, I know first hand what it is like to be watched with scrutiny around kids and I can’t believe this has NO affect on the choices men make about kids and vocations.
I simply stated there will be times where men avoid kids.
Don’t think I’m overstating anything or whipping up a fuss.
Stating there are plenty of men in certain activities neither diminishes nor proves the effect of PP.
I certainly agree that when people are not in certain occupations it is frequently choice.
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I think you make a very good point. My husband is in his mid 40s and we have 2 young children. He is really great with kids and has thought about retraining as a Primary teacher (he currently works in a very senior job in financial services so would be a total career change). This would mean i could go back to a more full on job when the children are at school so would work for me too. His major concern is that, especially as an older guy, he would be seen as a potential paedophile and it really concerns him. Only one example, but does support your theory.
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Your husband should do it if he is passionate about kids. As a primary school teacher I can atest that schools need more male teachers and many kids (particularly boys) respond much better to male teachers for some reason. I went to Uni recently with several older men who were career changinf into teaching and they were all fantastic and will be terrific role models. It is so important that this stigma does not prevent men from choosing to be teachers and would be an awful shame if it does. With so many broken families many kids have no (or a negative) male role model in their lives..the male teacher quite often steps in to fill this void for many ‘at risk’ kids.
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This is not exactly a new phenomenom, but may becoming more common. My friend’s mum was just like that, and now my friend is (no kids yet though). I always tell her that she is pedo paranoid!
I think some of it has to do in the way we grow up. I grew up in a church community (not a cult, a community) and I had plenty of experience dealing with males (and females) of every different age. Kids neeed to learn who they can trust, and to trust their instincts if a situation seems ‘weird’. If you are taught that all situations with older men are weird, then how can you know the difference between normal interactions and those which are unsafe?
I am constantly encouraging my 4yo girl to talk to ‘strangers’ most often in the grocery aisle etc. she is quite shy and I keep telling her – it’s ok to say hi etc. I guess the message will change slightly when she is older to more stranger danger, but I also don’t want her to become paranoid either!
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One of my kids (girl) had a friend who was never allowed to sleepover or visit w friends house because the only male her mother trusted was her husband. Bit insulting to every other male out there.
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