By DAVID VIENNA
I know many people want to stay current with the latest parenting trends — attachment parenting, minimalist parenting, Tiger Mother parenting, et al. Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It’s called CTFD, which stands for “Calm The Fuck Down.” And that’s not a message to give your kids. It’s for you.
Using CTFD assures you that — whichever way you choose to parent — your child will be fine (as long as you don’t abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:
- Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the fuck down.
- Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the fuck down.
- Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the fuck down.
- Upset that your child doesn’t show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the fuck down.
- Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the fuck down.
RELATED LINK:WHY STIR FRY PARENTING REALLY WORKS
RELATED LINK: 41 THINGS WE GOT AWAY WITH IN THE 70S
You’ll also learn that whether or not you’re the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they’ll think you are and that’s what matters.
Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.
To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:
- Calm the fuck down.
- There is no second step.
So, ignore all those other parenting trends and stick to CTFD. You’ll be glad you did and so will your kid.
Playwright and screenwriter David Vienna is the author of TheDaddyComplex.com and exquisitely crafted drunken emails to his friends.
This article was originally published on David’s website here and has been republished with permission.
Follow Mamamia on Facebook
At Mamamia absolutely everything is up for discussion: from pop culture to politics, body image to motherhood, feminism to fashion. We unashamedly cover what everyone is talking about today: whether that’s stories which will make you laugh out loud, cover your mouth in shock, help you get informed or start you thinking about an issue in a different way and sometimes, we help you to just switch off the brain power from a few sweet minutes and kick back.