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I often tell my daughter she’s beautiful. It just slips out. Because she is. Sometimes enough to take my breath away. All my children are. I tell them I love them a hundred times a day. I tell my 3yo son how gorgeous he is and occasionally, I even say the same thing to my teenager. But with my daughter, I’m always sure to follow it up with other adjectives. “You are so beautiful.” I’ll tell her. “…and smart! And kind!”
I’m conscious that she doesn’t perceive her value in her looks. I want her to know that I value other things, that the world values other things than just being cute or pretty. So you can imagine how I nodded my head off when I read this piece Lisa Bloom wrote for The Huffington Post:
I went to a dinner party at a friend’s home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”
But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That’s why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
“Maya,” I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, “very nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
“Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I’m nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
“I LOVE books,” I said. “Do you?”
Most kids do.
“YES,” she said. “And I can read them all by myself now!”
“Wow, amazing!” I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
“What’s your favorite book?” I asked.
“I’ll go get it! Can I read it to you?”
Purplicious was Maya’s pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It’s surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I’m stubborn.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
At the other end of the scale, US retailer JCPenney has been selling girls’ t-shirts (pictured above) with the slogan “I’m too pretty to do HOMEWORK, so my brother has to do it for me.” Isn’t that a nice, positive message to send to girls aged 7-16?
From Jezebel:
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In case your little lady-brain can’t quite fathom the point, the page itself is titled “Girls 7-16 Too Pretty to do Homework” and the product description asks, “Who has time for homework when there’s a new Justin Bieber album out?”
Perhaps not since the launch of Teen Talk Barbie (“Math class is tough!”) have we seen a mass retailer market a product to girls that so explicitly associates intelligence with being a boy, and looking pretty with being a girl.
Girls already grow up surrounded by advertising that overwhelmingly sends the message that the most important thing about a woman is her looks. The average American reportedly sees 3,000 ads per day. JCPenney is telling girls that being smart is incompatible with being pretty and society is telling girls that being pretty is the most important thing on earth — for a woman. Perhaps the t-shirt and its slogan — and the equally cringe-inducing web copy — didn’t raise any red flags at JCPenney precisely because these intellectually crippling messages about girls and their role in this world are so ever-present, so firmly established.
UPDATE: It looks like that shirt has been taken down, but there’s another one with a message that’s just as healthy. The Girls 7-16 Best Subject Screen Tee lists “the subjects I TOTALLY ROCK at!” Which are, in order: Shopping, Boys, Music, and Dancing. On sale for just $4.99, folks.
But there are other options. Of course there are. Check out this gorgeous gallery of t-shirts you would want your children to wear:
Compassion for All from www.littlegurus.com
Do you tell little girls that they are beautiful? Do you treat them differently to little boys when you address them?
Comments
156 Comments so far
This is just a general question – from a 21 yr old with no experience with children and their psychological wellbeing whatsoever – what does one say to little boys?
If you went to a friend’s place and their toddler was dressed in a little pirate outfit or something (excuse the gender cliché), wouldn’t you go, ‘aren’t you adorable!’ etc focusing on his looks?
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is these articles make out like all comments to little girls are about their looks as opposed to little boys; so what do people generally say to little boys?
I completely and utterly agree with everything here, and that girls (everyone!) needs to know their value beyond their face, but just curious
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A single Father’s perspective on Children’s clothing….a it relates to what was stocked at Big W Carnes Hill on 23/12/11
I couldn’t decide what to buy my 11 year old daughter for Christmas, I gave up went for the old fall back, clothes. I went to Big W at Carnes Hll as I know they have rather good T shirts for $5 each, bargain.
While there, I had to look at other clothes, what else was I there to do but buy clothes for my daughter.
All the clothes in the children’s section are all marked on the coat hangers according to age, which made life easy for me, not having to concern myself with measurements, It was already done for me.
Anyway, I kept coming across clothes that I though had made their way across, by accident, from the Ladies section.
…but each coat hanger showed that the clothing was for 12 or 14 year olds.
Maybe I had a look of disgust on my face but another parent in the section commented to me as they lifted a see through blouse off the rack, “I would never put my daughter in that”. I readily agreed, as the clothing I had seen were short shorts and T shirts with slits down the side from the arm pits to about navel level. The only purpose of the slit was intended to give a “peek a boo” to non existent side boob.
I went to the registers and paid for my purchases of plain, no print T shirts for my Daughter.
Before I left the sale point, I asked how I go about making a complaint I was directed to a wall display with, “suggestion” cards. I completed one, telling the store that the children’s clothing was too mature and I think the people who are designing it have run out of ideas for children’s clothing and they’re too lazy or they don’t have children and/or children in their lives, so completely unaware of what is age appropriate clothing.
By the way, a lot of what I saw was not what I’d like to see on adult females, let alone child females that is in my live.
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This article is at the pinnacle of why I was (and am) terrified to have kids. It’s such a horrible world out there…
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Reminds me of this article I read:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/i-am-the-smart-one-shes-just-my-sister/
Smart and pretty don’t have to be mutually exclusive. We need to teach girls that they can be pretty AND smart (and sporty, kind, generous and all-round wonderful people) and that they don’t have to worry about being a certain ‘type’ of girl.
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Reminds me of the Simpsons Episode where they release the talking Malibu Stacey doll that says “don’t ask me, I’m just a girl”
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I believe that Simpsons’ episode was inspired by the real-life controversy caused when Mattel released a Barbie doll that could “talk” and she uttered the line “math class is tough.”
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Simpsons was always bloody brilliant.
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Please. Being smart is just what we do when we want to have sex but aren’t hot.
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Those t-shirts should be banned.
On the giving of compliments though, children deserve to be complimented! Compliments give you a boost, and who doesn’t need a boost! Just be broader about what you compliment kids on – you could say say hi kid, wow I heard you were smart and funny already and now I can see you’re gorgeous too!
Every child I come in contact with I find something nice to say to them about something.
The really hurtful stuff is when one kid gets ‘oh you’re so pretty’ when the kid standing next to her gets zip. Ouch.
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When I was little my mum used to tell me how beautiful I was however she would always follow it with the saying ‘remember pretty is, as pretty does’ and I swear as a 6 year old people would tell me I was pretty and I would state this quote haha.
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Saw The Help last night.
“You are kind, you are smart, you are important”
“You are kind, you are smart, you are important”
“You are kind, you are smart, you are important”
Loved it in the book, particularly moving and heartbreaking to see on screen.
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This is very timely. I too am aware of following up any compliments about my just turned four little girl’s appearance with one’s about how clever and kind she is etc. The problem I’m finding is with the compliments about her looks from random strangers. There is an initial sense of pride of course (shows how much we are all affected by vanity!), but then I worry about how much these type of comments reinforce her perceived value based solely on her looks. There was a man at our local fruit shop yesterday going on and on about how I should enter her into child pageants and then went on to tell my daughter that she was so beautiful that she could probably be a model when she grows up! Then for the rest of the day little miss four was telling me that everyone thinks she is sooo pretty and that she is prettier then her friends (this based on recent comments by stangers about her looks whilst ignoring her friends next to her!) and that she IS going to be a model when she is big! Her value to society has already started to be ingrained. I’m feeling quite horrified. I can only hope that our reinforcement in the home about valuing herself for qualities beyond looks will trump societal pressures.
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I think balance is key when it comes to compliments. I tell my babies that they’re beautiful all the time, but I’m trying teach my kids the different types of praise. My (very pretty) 3 and a half year old boy reacts differently when complimented on his looks. If someone says something like ‘aren’t you gorgeous he giggles and says ‘oh shucks!’ Whereas if he is complimented on being a lovely big brother, or having wonderful manners he says thank you and swells with pride. )
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Between this post and those about pre pubescent models – not to mention the self esteem issues evident in MM’s surveys – take a little time to read this gem and consider how we need to preserve our little girls’ awesomness!!
http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/
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I am raising 3 girls so this is an issue that is with me everyday.
I do tell my girls that they are beautiful – they are and as most parents do, they tell them how cute/pretty/beautiful they are.
But I am also very conscience to also give my girls praise on things they do on a daily basis as well as I don’t want to raise them thinking that looks is all that counts.
I am trying to lose weight at the moment, and my eldest daughter is old enough to understand that, I make sure that i tell her that I am losing weight for health reasons, that i what to be healthy and strong, and don’t make a big deal about just trying to lose weight just to look good and just to drop a dress size.
Raising 3 girls is hair raising b/c there is so much out there in terms of beauty and weight issues, trying to give them a healthy balance is the hardest thing I am going to have to teach them.
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The point about greeting little girls with a compliment about their looks is something I do, but hadn’t been conscious of. Kind of like following “hello” with “how are you” in conversations with adults. It’s not like that for boys – even though they’re often adorable too (I have one of each).
Like everything, I suppose its about setting a good example and working out priorities and balance.
I don’t believe appearance should be anyone’s first priority. Thanks for this – it’s made me think
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I think it’s fine to tell a child that they are beautiful as long as you also pay attention to their other attributes, and don’t imply looks are all important. After all, beauty is surely about the inside as well as physical appearance.
As a child I was never told I was beautiful or pretty by family members. It didn’t empower me though – I had no self-confidence and grew up feeling that I would always be the plain girl that no one would look at.
Even as an adult who knows that looks aren’t important (and has a good career and is respected for my intelligence) I often wish someone would tell me I’m beautiful…
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Same! I was “smart”. What good is smart when all boys like at 16 is “pretty”? Took me a lot of time to figure out that I wasn’t ugly….and that the reason i was unpopular was my social awkwardness, which wasn’t helped by the fact i thought i was the ugliest thing alive….
My mother was a feminist and I never heard a compliment on my appearance. I make a point of including “beautiful” in the long list of compliments that I serve to my chidren daily. There is no such thing as “too much self esteem”…
and edit to add: i used to think every boy who told me i was cute and they liked me was lying/making fun of me/ testing how gullible i was/ planning on repeating my reply to that to his friends while they all laughed at the ugly girl’s stupidity. So i acted smart: sent them to f%@k themselves. Yeah, i didn’t get many boyfriends that way.
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Oh yeah…you make me laugh…I did exactly the same thing to boys. Said the same thing because I feared the same thing. So so sad. But I don’t regret any of it… It was all part of my growth as a human and hey, what purpose does regret serve anyway?
Just as well we have a clue now…and this is why I will never, ever worship youth. The getting of wisdom rocks.
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Me too. But my mum told me I was beautiful all the time.
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I am 16 and like to consider myself very smart, my mum is also a feminist and didn’t really tell me I was beautiful all that much – but I also care about much more than getting boys to like me (not that I’m interested in them anyway). I’d much rather be smart than beautiful because smart gets me into arts/law at uni. Not all 16 year old girls want a boyfriend and nothing else (girlfriend maybe, but thats beside the point). I’m going to raise my kids the way my mum raised me – that its whats inside that counts. I’ve never has low self esteem because of my looks, usually it’s because I felt like I wasn’t keeping up at school.
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Ah, but I was always first of my class, so grades or studying didn’t worry me much….And it wasn’t about “getting a boyfriend”, I was excessively romantic and always fell in love….I also weirdly enough took pride in loving someone who didn’t (apparently) love me back. As said this song from offspring I always listened to at the time (yes I’m old
) “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care”……
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I told a little girl in Coles today she had pretty hair…you know why?? because she had pretty hair…why is it you have to over think everything you say??
If someone told me my daughter had pretty hair…I would just smile and say thank you.
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I agree… i absolutely think beauty is not all that counts, not even close, and raise my children this way, but to me this article is a little overreacting and overthinking…
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I guess i was lucky to grow up kind of weird looking. I remember being told i was skinny like a spider. I did a photo shoot at 11 and the photographer said i looked like minnie mouse because i had skinny legs and big feet. Then as my years in ballet school got told i was fat and had big thighs etc etc. I remember when someone told me i was beautiful at about 24 and i didn’t believe them. It took until now 10 yrs later i can see that i was. Too bad i’m old and hideous again. Ah well on the upside i’m smart and talented
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Those tshirts are yet another thing that makes me feel we’re going backwards. There seem to be a lot more women nowadays discussing things like how much a bloke’s car/house cost (or even if he has his own house at all) when they are deciding who to date. When I was finishing school in the UK in 1990, there was a lot of emphasis on female role models like Anita Roddick who were successful in their own right, now it all seems to be about finding a rich man to marry or becoming famous for being famous (not for any particular talent) – and to do those things you have to be pretty.
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I read this article in the Sun Herald mag two weekends ago. I commented to Mum that I thought it was actually a bit Captain Obvious. I don’t talk to little girls about how pretty they are much at all. I put this down to not being particularly interested in “pretty” myself (I don’t do makeup, my hair is rarely out of a pony tail), and I think that comes from when I was a little girl. I had white blonde ringlets, and it was ALL people would comment on. It used to drive me nuts, I had so many other interesting things I liked to talk about, but was reduced to my bloody hair. So yeah, not something I talk about much, really. But how things are going at school/sport/what you’re reading? Oh yeah.
I found out about the Redefine Girly tops the other day (and posted about them here yesterday), and have one for myself and another design for Katharine winging their way to me as I write.
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“actually a bit Captain Obvious”
I suppose it is, but it’s one of those things which might not be so obvious to everyone.
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Erm, obviously.
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I was thinking further about this – it’s why I like the interwebz so much. People on internet forums get to know me by what I think and how I express that, and learn about what I look like etc from what there, rather than the other way around. Love it.
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There were a few moments when my parents told me that I was pretty (mostly my dad) but the most frequent compliments they gave me were relating to brains/talent. They pushed me hard in school and my mum always came out with this doosy of a quote by Coco Chanel:
“As soon as you set foot on a yacht you belong to some man, not to yourself, and you die of boredom.”
Her point was, if you rely on your looks or attractiveness to other men to get by in life, you lose yourself and become thoroughly bored AND boring. My parents are the best!
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what if it’s your yacht? are only men allowed to own yachts?
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Telling your daughter she is beautiful is not going to damage her.
Nearly-naked women on Saturday morning TV, teenage boys who watch hardcore porn on their mobile phones on a daily basis, the drugs they use every weekend, the explicit content of their facebook pages – these are the things that will damage your daughter.
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…but don’t forget to teach them that they are MORE than beautiful, to help them withstand all that other stuff!
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I’m too pretty to do housework, too !
But because I’m too sexy for my shirt, I change into an apron.
Did you know that I’m also too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy cat.
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You tripper!
Smiley face!
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Wow, what an interesting post! I especially adored the gallery of t-shirts at the bottom, I think I’m going to have to get some of them!
I do take issue with one point from Lisa, as follows: “Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything.”
I would disagree with that on two levels
1. Appearance is almost always the first thing you notice about someone (I can’t think of what else you would notice, but I’m leaving the door open to suggestions).
2. Even if appearance is the first thing you notice about someone, it does not follow that looks are more important than anything. For example, when buying a computer, looks are the first thing you notice (‘ooh, it’s little, and a pretty colour, and sleek’), but then you want to know about the technical specs (‘what programs can it support? Does it come with a camera? Other techy questions’). Just because I notice that someone is pretty, doesn’t mean I don’t also want to know what they are reading. I’m studying to become a librarian, I want to know what everyone is reading. I also want to know what charities they support, who their favourite high school teacher was, what they do for a living, if they’ve ever followed a rainbow to the end and what area they live in. I want to know about THEM.
I think giving compliments based on appearance is fine, and I don’t have a problem saying that before anything else, but I would follow it up exactly as you did and ask about the person you are talking to. That shows respect to them as a whole person, and also shows yourself as someone who is not looks-obsessed. I like that.
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Right on sister.
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I wrote on a post on here the other day..I kiss my daughters every night ( who are both very beautiful looking kids) and i tell them you are smart, funny, caring confident and beautiful.. and always in that order… as everyone comes up to them and dsays how pretty they are, that doesnt bother me but i want them to know and believe they are so much more because they are.
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Growing up I was always told by my parents, teachers, peers and even strangers in the street how beautiful looking I was. I remember a family friend telling me at 11 that it didn’t matter what I studied at school, I was beautiful and that would get me far in life. Unfortunately that comment stuck with me and I tried to sail through life on looks and charm, instead of getting, or caring about, a good education.
I skipped uni to become a model, which is a hideous job for the self esteem! I aquired an eating disorder and dated guys like DJ’s and older, rich, business men. Shallow much? It wasn’t until my late 20′s I decided to go to uni and am now in the health industry.
Now, with my nieces and any other girl I encounter I, too, make sure I compliment them on their brains, their kindness and their goals, not their looks or their new frilly skirt. If even 20% of people took this approach I am sure our little girls would grow up with healthier ideals!
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I’m always telling my squids how much I love them and that they’re gorgeous and beautiful and, when appropriate, how proud of them I am.
But this is my current strategy for combatting our society’s obsession with the exterior:
I try to praise effort more than the other stuff.
I try to compliment the achievements and behaviour (within their control) more than how they look (further out of their control).
I use permanent terms for positive feedback, and temporary terms for any negatives. “You are…” vs “You are being…”
In terms of gender stereotyping, I am just lead by their interests.
I really want them to have a realistic idea of who they are. But I also want them to (eventually) demonstrate some graciousness when complimented.
Both my children like to do things for themselves and the confidence they get from little responsibilties is very satisfying to wtiness.
Most of this is from the book The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman.
I wish I was more instinctive about it all but the fact is, our focus on the external does concern me. Immobilises me even? And I believe the language we use can be extremely powerful.
Growing up, I was lucky, many family friends and relos told me I was pretty etc. I don’t ever remember my mum doing so! I think she didn’t want me to get a big head. Or maybe she just wanted me to measure myself against more tangible and worthy yardsticks.
Like most stuff, I think balance is the key.
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I constantly tell my children how beautiful/handsome they are and how much they are loved. I also tell them it’s what’s on the inside that makes them beautiful: compassion, love, understanding, respect for others and themselves. I truly believe if a child loves themselves for who they are, looks or how intelligent is not going to be the issue. I am raising children to be loving, caring, and to respect and value fellow human beings.
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Growing up my parents used to tell both my sister & I how beautiful we were as well as how clever we were. We were never obsessed with our looks but we both have very good self esteems & are both intelligent educated women. They also told our brothers how handsome & clever they were too so I can’t remember much difference between the boys & girls in our house. Having said that though there were lots of conversations about books & science & ideas & philosophy etc etc growing up so the emphasis was certainly never on us relying on looks or men to look after us but using our own brains.
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It’s not telling kids they are gorgeous that is the issue – it is the narrow and unattainable range of gorgeousness that we see in the media and increasingly apply to each other as adults that makes this dangerous. And we can counter that by helping children to see through the images, to see the airbrushing, to question why there are naked women in ads for a watch etc. and to find the beauty in a wider range of people and comment on that,too. As well as telling them how smart, thoughtful and interesting they are, at other times when appropriate.
Programs like Media Smart in schools have shown that being able to “read” these images and see them for what they are helps to prevent the development of negative body image and self-dissatisfaction. This is what our kids need, because it is these two things that are the prime predictors of disordered eating patterns.
We don’t need to stop telling our kids they are gorgeous. And we don’t need to stop choosing something nice to wear, or putting on some makeup. It’s our comments about ourselves and about others that matter – if you’re only telling rake thin girls with a ton of makeup on that they are beautiful, your daughter will notice. Just like she will notice if only half-dressed women in heels are called hot.
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I totally agree with you – complimenting kids is not the problem, and if anything, I think it is important to teach kids about the difference between first impressions based upon looks and then actually finding out what someone is really like.
I tell my four year old son every day how gorgeous he is and how nice his clothes look that day. I tell my two year old daughter the same thing in the same words. I want them to know that it is okay to take pride in your appearance because I think that being neat and tidy is important. I also tell them that I love their manners, their sharing hands, their listening ears and their clever words and ideas. I hope that this will help them to learn that physical appearance is just one part of who they are, but I cannot see any sense in ignoring it, I mean, they will always have a face that the world will see.
Interestingly, just the other day we were having lunch at the park and a lady sat down with a little boy with Downs Syndrome. My son told him he had a ‘lovely smile.’ Both I and his mother got a little teary, because it was true and not only was it all my son noticed, he thought to compliment the little boy.
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Wow. What Lisa Bloom has said has hit me hard, I am so guilty of that!! Time to change the way I speak to children!
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Although I agree that these slogan T-shirts are ridiculous, I think people should really chill out when it comes to parenting. So what if you tell your kids that they are beautiful? Why is everything in this day and age such a big drama???
My mother use to tell me that I was beautiful (ok she was biased) and I did not turn out to be an airhead. In fact I am a strong and very independent woman.
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Out of interest mia, what sex is your teenager. I am guessing male huh, seeing you only occasionally tell him/her they are gorgeous. Would I be right? If so, why is that, why is a boy not worthy of being told that as much ad the others?
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on the odd occasion I get dressed up and go out, one of my boys will usually say ‘you look pretty mum’ lovely to hear, but my response is always, ‘ thanks darling, but it’s more important to be clever than pretty’.
I don’t want them to value appearance over intelligence, and I don’t want them to be attracted to high maintenance princesses!
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God, reading this blog is really starting to feel like groundhog day to me. Another day, more same old. It is just a funny tshirt guys, sheesh, and if anything the blokes should be up in arms, it was the brother that had to do princesses homework afterall. Lighten up, save the frothing at the mouth for things that really matter. Oh, and for the record, all kids, boys, girls, abled bodied or otherwise are beautiful and I will tell those kids close to me any day thanks.
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Oh that poor brother, having to do extra homework while his sister develops anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and suicidality after years of being forced to swallow the message that she’s only as good as she looks. Who knows, maybe he can buy her a funny tshirt to help her lighten up!!
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Wow, all those negative outcomes caused by a pesky tshirt , who would have thought they had such power, mental note, start wearing tank tops and avoid those evil t’s. Seriously though, you dont think you are over thinking this much!
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Of course none of those negative outcomes are ’caused by a pesky tshirt’. They are however all known psychological risk factors increased by the constant exposure of children and adolescents, especially girls, to messages like “I’m too pretty to do homework”.
Sure, it’s a little thing. But they add up. And one day, someone you love might crumble under their cumulative weight – wonder if you’ll see it as something that matters then?
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At my twenty-first birthday family celebration my dad made a (thankfully) brief speech. He told our extended family how proud of me he was, for my intelligence, my strategic studying style which ends in good results when it counts, how funny he thinks I am, how much he and mum enjoy my company etc.
Right after the speech, my aunt came up to me and said “He forgot to mention how beautiful you are!”.
I know my dad has always thought me the prettiest girl of all my friends, and that sometimes he is mistaken in this : ) But he didn’t mention my appearance, because that’s not what he loves me for, not what he’s proud of me for.
My aunt’s daughter, now sixteen, has been a total handful since about twelve, smoking, drinking, screaming, swearing, hateful teenager who has struggled in school and with friendships. She’s not a terrible person, and nor is she terribly stupid. But it’s not difficult to draw the parrallel between her mother’s focus on the “gorgeousness” of her children since they were born, and this behaviour.
I am lucky, I suppose.
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What a dream dad! And intelligent himself. Totally jealous.
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My eldest daughter is gorgeous..(I think both my daughters are beautiful)…however people are always commenting on how stunning she is and how she should be a model…in front of her younger sister….I always yes both my daughters are gorgeous..but it has to affect my youngest one who is always standing there as people are admiring her sister…
I always let them both know it is so much more important to try hard at school and be a good friend……and there is NO way I am letting my daughter anywhere near modelling….
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I remember boys coming up to me and telling me “your sister is beautiful…will you tell her i like her” yeah. You can’t shield her from this, unless they grow up to have totally separate groups of friends..it must be really sad as a mother though to witness this.
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The other day I told my daughter she was beautiful, and then went on to tell her that beauty comes from the inside, and it means that you are nice to people and that you are kind. (She is 4, so I have to explain the concept in a way that she can understand.)
Then it occurred to me that encouraging her to be nice and kind is just another form of telling girls to behave a certain way. Do boys get told to be nice and kind all the time? They’re pretty vague words, but to some extent their meaning is about accomodating other people’s needs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it is perhaps quite different from the messages that boys tend to be given.
So even when it’s not just about beauty, it’s about being caring, nice, loving your friends etc.
Anyway, it’s all about balance, so I will continue to encourage niceness and kindness, as well as assertiveness and strength. This goes for her little brother too.
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Yep, my boys get told to be nice and kind ALL the time. It’s especially important because they can be quite vivacious in their interactions with others…
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I like that – ‘quite vivacious’. I like ‘rambunctious’ as a small boy descriptor too.
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I tell my kids they are gorgeous.They are caring, happy and kind souls (although the middle one is a knock-out – lock up your girls in 13 years time!)
My daughter has started to say she is clever. Maybe I said it once but I know I am not supposed to say it.
A talk at school by an education consultant went thru various studies – can dig them out if anyone interested – which showed if kids thought they were clever then when they hit obstacles they didn’t do so well. Kids that were taught that greater effort produced greater results because they could affect their own result did better.
Girls are apparently more prone to this “clever” problem than boys.
So now I try hard to praise the effort and not the intelligence. Why is parenting so hard?
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Yes I saw a very interesting doco about this a while ago..
I think it’s great advice. After all, it doesn’t really matter if you are very smart, if you are not a hard worker. And you can also be a very successful person and rise to the top of your chosen career, if you are not particularly academically giften, but have a strong work ethic.
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I read that article the first time I thought it was crap and now that I’ve read it again I still think it’s crap. I bet Maya was so excited about the fact that some dopey big person was going to get her an extra ten minutes out of bed that she was going to look interested at anything Lisa said. .
“Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty.” I’ve got news for you sister. I have never once sat down on the couch and talked to my nieces and their friends, my daughter and her friends or my neighbours kids or any other under 10 year old kid about any of that stuff. Nor has any of our friends who come over for dinner or to visit, males included. Good on you Lisa for thinking you can change the world by talking about books to a 5 year old. You think you’re the only one that talks books? What about solar systems, or sports, or farming, or the jungle, computers? Maybe you could try that next time because they are topics that my kids and their friends like to cover, not hairstyles.
I tell my girls they are beautiful. I tell them if they look pretty or if they look great, especially the 6 year old when she has dressed herself in something that is actually fit to be seen in outside. They love it. Their faces light up and they feel great with it.
My girls are confident and well adjusted. They have lots of friends, can swim, play soccer, do gymnastics, can read and write – they are functioning normally even though I tell them they are gorgeous. How amazing.
Am I ranting? You betcha. Am I pissed off? Damned straight. Why am I getting told that I can’t tell a child she looks pretty if she does? Why am I to expect that if my kids wear a party dress and look neat and smart that their efforts will be ignored?
Why are we doing this to our children? What’s wrong with telling a child you accept and love the way they look? Why can’t we give them that kind of confidence too?
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Like I said in my comment below, I didn’t think that Lisa was suggesting we never tell kids that they are gorgeous. I think her main point was that perhaps when we see (in particular other people’s) kids, that maybe mentioning their appearance FIRST might lead kids to think that appearance is the FIRST thing that they should be concerned about.
I honestly read that article and thought to myself that the next time I see my friends kids I might say something like:
‘Hi Amy, it’s lovely to see you. How was kinder today?’ and then of course at some point I would be saying something like ‘Are those new shoes? They are so sparkly and gorgeous’. I can’t help myself, kids ARE gorgeous, inside and outside and there is always something positive to comment on regarding their appearance, but it doesn’t have to be the FIRST thing we talk to them about – that is what I understood Lisa to be saying.
Of course with my own kids, I see them all the time so there is no ‘first point of conversation’, so like you, I tell them all the time that they are gorgeous, clever, kind, great at dancing/drawing etc…
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Yep.
I also find the article a bit self congratulatory and smug.
““Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes”- oh the twinkle!
“I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.”- good on you!
I probably sound a bit smug myself right now! But holy crap, what an annoying article.
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I included a link to this article on yesterday’s post about modelling, it featured in the Sunday Life mag a couple of weekends ago.
I have to say that I think its perfectly fine to tell our children (and others) they are gorgeous etc. I do it all the time to my daughters and our friends kids.
But I think people are taking the whole a bit too literally. No-one is suggesting that you can’t tell kids they are beautiful. The positive point I took from this article was that maybe commenting on children’s looks as the FIRST topic of conversation might not always be such a great idea. Sure, by all means, tell them they are gorgeous, but perhaps try and say something else to them FIRST that doesn’t relate to the way they LOOK. Because perhaps (and only perhaps), if kids get used their appearance being the FIRST thing that people comment on, then they might start consider their appearance to be their FIRST priority, the thing that matters the MOST.
Everyone loves to be told they look gorgeous, it’s a boost to the self-esteem. And we all need that from time to time. It’s also nice to hear from others that we are kind, clever, funny and good at something. All of it is relevant and important in my opinion.
I have recently been explaining to my 4 year old what I think beautiful means. That it’s not about what people are wearing or what their hair looks like, but that if you have a kind heart and are a good friend to people, then your heart will be beautiful and people will be able to see that on the outside. She’s only 4 and god knows how much registers in their brains at that age, but I have to say that she has been quoting me a little bit lately and that makes me happy.
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I read that bloom article aswell. I kind of agreed with it but I am more of a Mia, The beautiful slips out too.
It is ok to tell someone they are beautiful. But as long as that is jot all they hear.
My friend growing up wasn’t smart or athletic or popular but she was beautiful. So all she valued was herlooks which lead to anorexia and other self worth problems.
I also think people age more happily if the basis for self esteem isn’t looks. I am starting to age now as I am in my 30′s and it is ok as I never really valued my looks or youth like some do.
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I agree and feel sorry for your friend.
My grandmother (a former model) often quotes that old chestnut:
“Pretty (or beauty) fades, dumb is forever”
“Dumb” could be replaced with boring etc
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i have four girls ages 10, 8, 5 and 1, and i know for certain that im going to make sure they will never degrade themselves by wearing such a dumbing down tshirt like that…
sadlly i know a few girls who would love it
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The young Mother wearing a team Jacob t shirt whilst she pushed her baby girls stroller round a shopping centre last week had me shaking my head
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Why?
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I think its a bizarre concept for mothers, who spend so much time and money on makeup, haircuts, clothes and personal grooming to pretend to our daughters that their looks dont matter. We can say what we think is the right thing but we are telling with our own actions that their looks really really do matter.
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Exactly!
I won’t leave the house without curling my lashes.
This morning, as I was curling, both my children were staring at me. My mind started forming responses to the inevitable queries….”Oh I’m not doing anything”, “It’s called curling your eyelashes but you won’t ever need to do that”, “Only vain grown ups do this” “It’s a form of decoration” blah blah blah!
Instead I took the easy route and diverted their attention to something outside …….
Bah with no leg to stand on it’s in the too hard basket right now!
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Oh dear! I think the homework shirt is kind of funny. I can imagine plenty of teenage girls wearing it in an ironic sense – and yes, I do think that teenagers can have a sense of irony and humour about these things. I would never buy the shirt FOR someone though.
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I thought all the research was now showing that girls are outperforming boys academically all the way through school and therefore getting more opportunities to get into the universities and colleges they want, get the degrees they want, the jobs they want etc. I haven’t met any girls who think they have to choose between smart and attractive when they define themselves, They want to be both…. and more! They take themselves seriously academically and have serious career ambitions. Yes, some girls (and women) do struggle with self esteem. So do a lot of boys. How we feel about ourselves is so complicated and we want all kids to feel comfortable in their own skin because only then can you really be who you want to be. There is no harm in being told you are cute or beautiful or gorgeous because kids are. They are also thoughtful and caring and smart and insightful and funny. Surely we don’t need to curb any adjectives that are positive, just the negative because they are the ones that do the damage.
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I agree! I went to an all girl school that was very academically focused and graduated with a group of friends who are beautiful (inside and out
) and incredibly smart. One of them is doing a double degree in biomedicine and law – if that’s not smart I don’t know what is! And yes, we love to get dolled up and go out and have a good time, but we also take our studies seriously and have high hopes for our future careers. And nothing would change my attitude towards this!
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yet women still earn less than men and a recent study in the US showed that it took a woman having a phd qualification to earn the same money as a man with a Bachelor level degree. have ambition all you like but there is still a problem here.
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I just don’t buy any clothing for my kids if there’s writing on it. Simple. They don’t need a t-shirt to tell them they’re pretty or smart. The person wearing the shirt is only as smart as the slogan they’re wearing.
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Just putting it out there, the majority of those suggested t-shirts are lame.
Isn’t it possible to dress out kids without their chests making a political statement?
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what happened to, oh, i don’t know.. dora or wiggles outfits, or something? or is that now wrong :-\.
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Are you for real?
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What exactly is wrong with wiggles shirts or any other characters? The wiggles are great. They get kids moving through dance. My son loves them and I wouldn’t have it any other way
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The wiggles are great, yes indeed.
My daughter loves them, amongst other things. I love to watch her sing and dance- it’s awesome.
But the wiggles don’t need her to advertise for them!
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Okay. I can see your point but I feel you saying ‘are you for real’ in response to someone’s suggestion was a bit harsh. My son wears wiggles, Diego and Thomas shirts. He loves them and I have no problem with him wearing them but I accept your dislike of them.
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I just wanted to be sure Michelle wasn’t being sarcastic.
I didn’t intend to bring anyone down.
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Oh for heavens sake, a child couldn’t possibly be given something to wear with the wiggles or a character because they like them could they? Geez, they’d be ruined forever. Get a grip people.
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Not about the ruining!
About the ugly.
Calm down…you can wear a wiggles t-shirt if you want.
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They grow out of the Wiggles, Dora, Diego etc pretty quickly – the dodgy tshirts mentioned are aimed at older kids. How many 6 year old Wiggles or Dora fans do you know??
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When my kids got wiggles,Barbie, Bindi or Hi5 clothing as gifts they were donated straight to the clothing bin!
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Haha!
Me too!
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Really? I just use them for play/kindy clothes. Plus the kids like them!
And who knew Bindi did a clothing line?
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Because labelling something as play clothes never works in my house. The most hideous outfit is always the one that they love to bits and want to wear all the time! Clothing bin is the only solution.
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Why?
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I second that, what’s wrong with the Wiggles et al?
I don’t think I’d be buying a Wiggles t-shirt myself for my daughter, but I wouldn’t object to the gift.
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Just a personal taste thing, I suppose.
I don’t like to buy any syndicated products at all.
I find them very generic and unattractive and don’t really want my kids running around with advertising on them.
There are so many beautiful things out there to wear, play with and look at. Syndicated products do not enhance my world!
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I’m with you.
And as a Teacher/Librarian I found the Librarian-glasses t-shirt so cliched and stereotypical it offends me a bit.
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I tell my daughters, and my son, that they are gorgeous all the time. At least 10 times a day! Because they are. Sometimes when I say it I am referring to their looks, but often I’m referring to them as a complete person, eg. ‘Good morning beautiful boy.’ I also use these words when I notice them do or say something nice, eg. ‘Oh you’re gorgeous, thank you for sharing so nicely!’
I think they get that beauty isn’t only defined by looks.
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Hmmm. Not sure. Of course it’s important to emphasise that our girls are smart and clever and articulate, but I also think it’s important – especially for mothers of little girls – to compliment them on their looks. The reason I say this is because when I was a little girl my mother never told me I was beautiful. I have no doubt that she loved me and I was always clothed and fed, but we just didn’t have any kind of affectionate dialogue. She wasn’t that kind of mother. Unfortunately I was not a very pretty girl growing up. I was overweight, had red hair, freckles and I wore glasses. Because I was not a natural beauty, it wasn’t anyone’s first instinct to tell me I was pretty. So if I had a mother who said it to me, just because she was my mother and I was her daughter, my looks may have been less of an issue for me. What happened instead was that, during my teen years, it became an obsession for me to find someone – anyone – who would tell me I was pretty. And this is not a healthy option either.
At the end of the day I’m fairly unscathed, but I think it’s important to remember that sometimes, our girls need to hear that they are beautiful as well as the other stuff. For a girl who doesn’t have naturally good looks, it can mean the difference between “I’m a fat ugly cow” and “my mum thinks I’m beautiful”. And when you’re 10 years old, that difference can be life changing.
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I was never complemented on my looks by my mother either – even worse, she constantly told my younger sister in front of me that she was gorgeous, had beautiful eyes etc as well as being a wonderful, caring person. Because of the lack of verbal and physical affection from mum I didn’t display any towards her and I was labelled ‘cold’. Mum was also fond of that poem “Monday’s Child…” – I was born on a Wednesday so of course I was always being told I was “full of woe” while my sister, born on a Friday, was “loving and giving”.
Looking at old photos now I think I was quite a cute child but a very awkward looking teenager, all googly eyes, glasses and bony limbs, with no sense of how to make the best of myself (no guidance from mum) and therefore bullied at school.
Worst memory of all though – putting on a new outfit to go out (probably a party or something) when I was around 13 and my dad saying “I don’t know why you bothered dressing up, you look pig ugly anyway” – and I was the daddy’s girl, although no longer – what sort of “man” tells his daughter that at any time let alone the most vulnerable time of her life?
Guess who spent the next twenty years searching, as you said Benita, for someone to tell me I was pretty. My ex never told me in over a decade together. I still think I’m ugly despite my husband telling me otherwise (the first person to tell me I was beautiful and I had to wait til I was 33 for that) and it makes me sad that I didn’t become the confident young woman I should’ve been.
Now I have a five-month old daughter and I make sure she is told every day that she is beautiful but also clever, especially when she’s mastered a new skill (rolling over etc) and will never (hopefully) have to tell a therapist that being hugged by her mum is so rare it feels weird.
When I read that article yesterday I agreed at first, then I remembered my own upbringing – we’re trying to raise a well-balanced daughter with a sense of empathy for others and confidence not only in her abilities but in her appearance, because I don’t want her to go through what I went through.
I’ll carry on with the appearance compliments, but will make sure I keep it balanced with personality ones.
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cj, I nooded my head the whole way through reading your comment, but something in particular stood out for me. It was when you said you had “no guidance from mum” and that really struck a nerve. Looking back, I NEEDED my mum to help me to make the most of what God had given me, to tell me that even though I had a carrot top head and freckles and fat legs, I was beautiful too…but that help (and any encouraging comments) never came, and I had to find it on my own. Liberating? No.
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Some men never know when to stay silent. My father once told my long distance runner/cross country skiier sister that she was getting fat!!!
She was TINY – almost no fat on her whatsoever!
His remark had an effect the rest of us too, who were not as skinny as her.
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Growing up I don’t remember my parents ever emphasising looks to my sisters and I, in fact it was the opposite, my parents (mum especially) would always compare us academically to others, it was never much about the looks.
I remember being about 6 and my older sister and my cousin would compete in swimming competitions and come home with medals, my younger cousin and I would be so jealous of those medals we would make our own using buttons and string. When we came to Australia it was the same, academics was the comparison point. It wasn’t until I hit high school, from year 10 that I started to really become aware of looks, clothing etc.
That’s not to say that no one ever called me cute as a kid, in fact a lot of people did, especially strangers, but I personally don’t think there’s any problem with it. I call my nieces cute all the time, I tell them how pretty they look and that I like the way they have their hair. BUT on the other hand I also focus on other things like when they learn a new song or when one of them has learnt to write/read a new word.
A funny story and somewhat related to this, one time when my sister was visiting with my nieces, prior to me moving overseas, I was home and get this call from my sister, who was staying at my parent’s house. She was frantic and yelling that my older niece had cut off her little sister’s hair while my sister was in the shower. So I quickly drove over there thinking what if my niece had been accidentally injured, luckily she wasn’t and my sister to her to the hairdresser to get the cut fixed since it was lopsided! Anyway my niece was devastated for days, she had long curly hair and now it was cut short, she kept saying that she didn’t look like cinderella anymore. We kept reassuring her that it was just hair and that it would grow back and that she was beautiful no matter what. Later on we found out that her sister cut her hair because a little boy she likes at school likes girls with long hair and she wants to be the only girl with long hair! My sister had a talk with her and said that people should like you no matter what you look like.
I don’t ever remember being that age (my niece is 5 and the other one is 3) and thinking like that.
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