I often tell my daughter she’s beautiful. It just slips out. Because she is. Sometimes enough to take my breath away. All my children are. I tell them I love them a hundred times a day. I tell my 3yo son how gorgeous he is and occasionally, I even say the same thing to my teenager. But with my daughter, I’m always sure to follow it up with other adjectives. “You are so beautiful.” I’ll tell her. “…and smart! And kind!”
I’m conscious that she doesn’t perceive her value in her looks. I want her to know that I value other things, that the world values other things than just being cute or pretty. So you can imagine how I nodded my head off when I read this piece Lisa Bloom wrote for The Huffington Post:
I went to a dinner party at a friend’s home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”
But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That’s why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
“Maya,” I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, “very nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
“Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I’m nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
“I LOVE books,” I said. “Do you?”
Most kids do.
“YES,” she said. “And I can read them all by myself now!”
“Wow, amazing!” I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
“What’s your favorite book?” I asked.
“I’ll go get it! Can I read it to you?”
Purplicious was Maya’s pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It’s surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I’m stubborn.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
At the other end of the scale, US retailer JCPenney has been selling girls’ t-shirts (pictured above) with the slogan “I’m too pretty to do HOMEWORK, so my brother has to do it for me.” Isn’t that a nice, positive message to send to girls aged 7-16?
In case your little lady-brain can’t quite fathom the point, the page itself is titled “Girls 7-16 Too Pretty to do Homework” and the product description asks, “Who has time for homework when there’s a new Justin Bieber album out?”
Perhaps not since the launch of Teen Talk Barbie (“Math class is tough!”) have we seen a mass retailer market a product to girls that so explicitly associates intelligence with being a boy, and looking pretty with being a girl.
Girls already grow up surrounded by advertising that overwhelmingly sends the message that the most important thing about a woman is her looks. The average American reportedly sees 3,000 ads per day. JCPenney is telling girls that being smart is incompatible with being pretty and society is telling girls that being pretty is the most important thing on earth — for a woman. Perhaps the t-shirt and its slogan — and the equally cringe-inducing web copy — didn’t raise any red flags at JCPenney precisely because these intellectually crippling messages about girls and their role in this world are so ever-present, so firmly established.
UPDATE: It looks like that shirt has been taken down, but there’s another one with a message that’s just as healthy. The Girls 7-16 Best Subject Screen Tee lists “the subjects I TOTALLY ROCK at!” Which are, in order: Shopping, Boys, Music, and Dancing. On sale for just $4.99, folks.
But there are other options. Of course there are. Check out this gorgeous gallery of t-shirts you would want your children to wear:
Compassion for All from www.littlegurus.com
Do you tell little girls that they are beautiful? Do you treat them differently to little boys when you address them?