by KATHY MEXTED
Mother’s Day came with mixed emotions. Breakfast in bed followed by lunch with friends and then delivering my husband to the airport.
He has left for Japan and we won’t be with him again until January. You see, my husband has had to travel ahead of us and undertake a very long training course in Tokyo.
Big ploppy tears prevented me from saying a proper farewell. It was more of a wave and a sniff, as I shushed the kids back into the car before heading off to Mr 17s boarding school.
Appropriately it was raining and cold and as my L Plater son hopped into the driver’s seat and inquired about my mental wellbeing. I was touched by his concern but a bit embarrassed. “Drive on L-Plater,” I quipped. “And watch out for that taxi.”
On Monday I took the little ones to the dentist. We came home with some soap and a new tele. “Is that all it takes to replace me?” my husband asked from his hotel room in Tokyo. ”Mmm. Yup,” we all replied together.
By Tuesday however, I was walking around the house trying to bring it alive again. We three couldn’t hope to fill the big boots that had just departed. The slow realization that he wasn’t coming back began on that morning.
As I moved through the house, initial feelings of abandonment were nudged by a tiny compensatory sense of liberation.
The home office was mine. All mine. All I had to do next was to pack up his mess.
Kathy
A tiny voice in my mind sang, “It’s mine, all mine.”
I moved the pile of books and paper to the floor, where they sat for three weeks. I wiped the desk clean, moved the packing boxes to the wall and set up my own private Idaho.
A neat pile of uni assignments, commissioned writing notes and two book drafts occupied the far left corner. In the other corner was a double candle on a Jarrah cheeseboard. Both rectangular, they looked very Japanese. A couple of pieces of antique silver, a couple of personalised cards and a marble coffee cup coaster and I was in business. Finally I set the laptop squarely in the middle of it all and pulled the chair in. I lit the candles and began to write.
It’s not very often that you get nine months off from your marriage. I could still hear his voice. “What are you burning that candle in here for? What’s it sitting on? Kath, it’s a cheese board for goodness sake. Get that crap off my desk!”
But he wasn’t here to see and I haven’t told him. Because when he calls on Skype from the kitchen, he can’t see what’s through the lounge and around the corner in the home office and it’s killing him. He has threatened to get the eight year-old to download Skype on the laptop and sneak into the office for a visual.
That will never happen. I’ve lent the office out to a journalist friend seeking a different perspective on “working from home.” We share homes. We share desks.
My own private Idaho and for now it’s mine, all mine.
Kathy is a freelance writer and photographer who is studying editing this year. You can find her website here, her Facebook here and her Twitter here.
Does your partner travel or live overseas? Have you ever had a long-distance relationship? How do you change your life style when your partner is away?
Comments
48 Comments so far
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and he has travelled pretty regularly and for long periods during that time. Just after I became pregnant with our first child (we had been together 4 months), he commenced an 18th month contract in Singapore! This year, after resigning from a full-time position which saw him away for up to 3 months at a time, he has been away more than ever as a freelancer. Currently, he has been away since early October and is due back mid December. He works as a technical director for Olympic Games and similar big events, and the reality is that not much of this work is in Australia. We are all very over it, however – the kids really miss him a lot, and he is the one coming home to a solitary apartment or hotel room every night, which is hard for him. It is the juggling of work and activities that is getting harder for me, as I have started a new job this year. We have our routine, and it’s all fine, but I miss his support and his company – it gets depressing when we socialise with friends and everyone else has their husbands or partners there. First world problems though – when we spent a year in the Middle East with him, some of the women and men I met from third world countries such as India and the Philippines spent years away from their families, earning money to send home to support them. They were paid very little, and struggled with missing their children and their partners, but they were doing what they had to do to survive.
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I’m a FIFO wife!! 3 weeks away four days home. The hardest part is the four days together as a family ( 2 young kids ) adjusting, getting equilibrium back as a unit, then watching the kids say goodbye. Tough. Much smoother sailing when he’s away, I am struggling with the roles I have when he’s not home being trumped when he’s back, an uneasy resentment almost.
I’m not sure how we will move forward when the contract is up, I truly madly deeply love sleeping by myself and hogging the remote, and have started reading books before bed for the first time since our kids were born. I know it sounds selfish! It is. You have to be comfortable being independent to successfully keep life together, but that independence can sometimes interfere with or impact the setup of life ‘before’ FIFO, or the easy return to it.
And for me, non FIFO life when it comes back to our household, will be a truly conflicting struggle. It’s not about love or tears at the airport. It’s about everything immersed in that stretchy, stretched, cord of connection.
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My husband works FIFO four and four weeks. When he’s away the house IS tidier and there is less mess and dishes, but it is also only me doing all the work. As we have a toddler downtime is when I sleep. I always say I go into survival mode when he goes away and I desperately look forward to have him home, except, as soon as he walks in the door we go through four weeks of CRAZY, with no time to catch up on housework or relax at all. So it’s almost a relief when he leaves again.
It has hit me this time though that while he was home I didn’t have to fight our toddler at bath and bed time. I am now in my third trimester with our second child and I just don’t know how I’m going to cope doing all the work. And then I realise I’m also going to be without him and any of the family for my last month of pregnancy. Just kill me now!!
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My husband travels with work. I find that anything longer than a week you get into your own little routine.
On a practical level, there are good points (house is tidier, significantly less washing) and bad points (can’t duck out to the shops at night, having to make 2 soccer games at the same time at different grounds).
I don’t mind it every now and then but all the time would be a bit much. Single parents definitely have it tough doing it all the time.
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This is fun little piece of writing, except that the title is so misleading that I was confused for the first half. For instance the conversation with the L-plater has a completely different meaning in scenario 1 parents are separating and scenario 2 dad is away for work for a long time.
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Would love to see a story about couples who work together/live together. I am considering going into business with my partner and wonder if it will make or break us? Time apart I can handle, but being together 24/7??? Would love some feedback from people who already live this way.
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Hi Lindalou,
I live and work with my partner of 6 years. We have a business together. We love it and I think it can definitely work but there are a few things that help for us. Firstly, what type of business are you thinking of getting into? We have a warehouse/workshop and he mostly works out the back while I am in the front running the office. We are not side by side all day. We have lunch together and see each other throughout the day but we can also go 3 or 4 hours without seeing each other. This means we also have different aspects of the business to talk about at home.
We always drive our own cars so we can have independence and we start at different times.
Also I am very busy socially and see different girlfriends a few times a week. He is more of a homebody and enjoys these nights alone.
It can work!
And at the end of the day you are building something together which is so cool!
Good luck.
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My hubby also does FIFO work (fly in / fly out). We (myself, my hubby and the kids) have been use to him being away for periods of anything between 1 week to 4 months at a time for years and years now. And I love it when he’s away! Yeap, I get the whole house to myself, I watch what I want to watch on tv, I have sole use of the computer, my washing/ironing/cooking/cleaning is literally halved when he’s not here, the house stays clean and tidy for longer when he’s away, the bedroom is spotless, I get the whole bed to myself (ah, bliss) and I’m not constantly picking up after him, nagging him or walking around on egg shells because he’s catching up on sleep. When he’s away I catch up with friends more often, do the things that I enjoy, spend more quality time with the kids. Gee, it’s got me thinking why am I still with him?!?!?!? But the kids miss him a lot, although strangely they are much better behaved when he’s away, but he’s such a great Dad, very selfless when it comes to the kids and that’s why I’m still with him I guess. I do enjoy his company, but jeez it’s hard work when he’s home! LOL.
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Kathy this is not a break from your marriage, this is your husband going away for work. Perhaps a better title would be “the unexpected benefits of having the house to yourself when your husband works away”
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I agree – this is a completely different article to the title… still interesting, but not the same.
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Hi Anna. My title was “My own private Idaho”. It was just a light moment in an emotional week. We’re all very much looking forward to being back together again.
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I like your title a lot better
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Agreed. My husband is often away for work. We don’t stop being married just because he isn’t in the same room.
It’s a good article, don’t get me wrong, but Mamamia need to avoid falling into the “weekly trash mag” habit of sensationalising titles just to get us to “buy” the story.
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I love the idea of a break from marriage. From children. From domestic slavery. I miss my carefree, selfish 20s.
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I am an “Army Wife” so this occurs often for me. When he is gone, the bedroom is tidier and the dining table is free (he has an armoire desk in our dining room, but all his things seem to leak out all over our dining room!)
There are no dirty army boots and cams all over the place… let alone the stinky training sneakers!
But in recent times, when he is home, he is a lot more helpful – he now does all of the washing and ironing (after years of me chucking the shits that I do it all!) he often will pick up the kids from school, run them to soccer, do dinner while i’m a work – he will then do his work that his missed for the afternoon once the kids are in bed.
So I am now missing him terribly when he goes away… I’m back to doing it all by myself and I miss his support and help.
He is a high ranking member of the army and so his work load is huge, but when he is home its flexible and he really is my “partner”.
So I miss him, but I do love my space…. a few weeks is nice, I have the foxtel remote, I have my bedroom and I have my house “army free”…- any more than that I start pulling my hair out and can’t wait until he is home! I love his dirty boots by the door (don’t tell him that though!).
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Do you know the word ‘partner’ just really hit a chord with me… it’s sharing the load of the house and the kids that makes me happy to be in a relationship… when I feel misunderstood, not heard or overwhelmed with the house and kids then I relish the time apart when he is away.
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I was until recently a navy wife. In the 5 years we have been married I think I have all up spent about 1.5 years in his company.
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My partner is in the navy, and next week will be going away for the longest time since we’ve been together. I know I’ll be ok when he’s away, I am just dreading the bit where he actually leaves. Will be a total wreck at the airport I know!
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My husband has been over in Ireland for almost a week now, & there’s still another 2 weeks until I fly over & meet him in London for a holiday. He’s there for study, & 3 weeks will be the longest we’ve been apart in the 11yrs we’ve been together, let alone since we’ve lived together!
It’s actually harder than I thought, but our beautiful cat is keeping me company (& warm!)
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My hubby does FIFO work. His contract right now is 4:1 & it sucks BIG TIME!!!
You do get into a different routine, both him & us family at home, & it takes a few days to readjust & then he is off again. I like to think this isn’t going to be our life for very long, that it’s just for now because there is no way that this is the way to have a healthy relationship or family.
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Oh man 4:1 sucks the big one! My hubby does 2:1 and I think I have it hard. We don’t event have any kids yet. You are amazing to cope with that!
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Not amazing at all, we just do what we need to. I think any FIFO is hard. We don’t the 2:1 & it was bearable- just! This one is just crazy, luckily it’s only a short term contract
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At least with FIFO you actually get a full time hubby/father when he’s home. My hubby works OS a lot, rarely has more than a weeks notice and can be gone up to three weeks. Makes it impossible to plan family events or social outings and the unfair thing is that when he’s home he still has to do the 9-5 and be available on Blackberry 24/7 unless he’s on annual leave (and even then the Blackberry comes). That said I too enjoy the time to myself and it has been manageable with just one child but I’m not looking forward to juggling it all when I have the next one.
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when my hubby goes on boys fishing trips, I eat past pretty much every night and have looooong hot showers. BLISS!
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Kathy I fully understand the thrill of having your own space, and the guilt!
When we first bought our house 25 years ago it was with the understanding I would have a study, as a teacher I needed an “area” to work. Move on 10 years and one child had left home, my husband started a study for his hobbies.
Then disaster the child came home!!!!! My husband moved into MY study, to share!!!!
Finally we are child free again. I miss my children, I miss my husband being just there to talk to but I love my little area of isolation.
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I am a co-parent so sometimes I have children and sometimes I don’t. When the girls are with their dad the house seems a bit lonely but I relish my freedom from cooking proper dinners and being able to watch whatever the hell I want on TV. Move over channel 11 here comes SBS documentaries. Yay!
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My husband had an affair with a local while working overseas I found out when he came back after 4 months of being away. it was tough and We are still together trying to mend our marriage. allowing him to work abroad was the most regretful decision I ever made.
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That’s sad, but if he is the type of person to have an affair it probably would have happened whether he was overseas or home.
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I hate it when my husband is away, I can’t sleep without him. It’s nice to have someone to snuggle up to especially when its cold.
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Not quite the article I was expecting. The title should say something more about long distance relationships. From the title I was expecting an article on stepping away from a marriage to take an actual break from it not them just having a LD relationship
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I agree, very disappointed! Boring in fact.
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My thoughts exactly.
It’s not really a break from your marriage when you’ve got kids to look after full-time and you can’t shag anyone else.
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We did this for two years, while my husband worked in Dubai & I stayed in Aus. It’s tough but oh so good. I found it hardest when the boys and I joined him in Dubai & we all had to re adjust, now that took time. Enjoy.
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I’ve started dating a lovely guy (two months in) and things are going fantastically but he is hoping to move to LA next year. He composes music for films/documentaries here and hopes moving to LA will be his big break. I’m starting to catch myself thinking that I don’t want to get too attached to someone who is moving away (possibly permanently) or is long-distance a possibility? I’m having a hard time just letting it unfold. I will not have the “Where is this going?” conversation, I WILL NOT!
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Worry about it if/when it happens. In the meantime, keep dating him and getting to know him.
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My husband travels a lot for work.
We all miss him terribly when he is gone, but I LOVE having the whole bed to myself.
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My husband was overseas for 8 months and I totally get this. Missed him terribly but also enjoyed the liberation of not considering him in every choice I made. It’s been 3 years since then and apart from a small readjustment period, our marriage didn’t suffer, I would even say we’re better for it. Really gives you some perspective.
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Very relevant for me. My boyfriend moved to Italy last November. He came back for Christmas, I was over there at Easter and will be back in 3 weeks after a European work trip.
We didn’t live together, so things aren’t that much different there. I do miss him, but day to day it’s nowhere near as hard as I was expecting it to be.
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I’m about to go overseas for 3mths leaving my bf behind and I’m dreading it! We do distance now but see each other every other weekend so that’s ok. Is it really not so bad?!
MM I would love more stories on this topic to gain more insight…
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My husband worked in Asia for 6 months last year I LOVED it and hated it all at once..loved i had all the control over everything…hated nights when kids were in bed and i was lonely. We got to visit though so kids got another overseas trip out of it.
Its been a year and im kinda wishing he got sent back for at least a month. Things do run smoother when he doesnt have input
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My husband has been working away from home on and off this year. To be honest, the place runs much smoother without him, but by God I miss him when he’s gone.
I think you “talk” better when living apart as you have to especially make the time to do it.
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I can relate to this. My partner works away from home and as much as I miss him when he is gone, it is so much easier to get things done when he isn’t here!
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What is this article about? Did they choose time apart? She seems delighted yet said there were tears…..confused.
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I’m confused too…
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He’s working overseas for 7 months so she’s sad and will miss him but is also excited at the prospect of getting to run things her way and have her own space for a while. That’s how I read it anyway!
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I did think that at first, but the title is mis-leading. ‘Taking a break from my marriage’… to me that suggests he has gone away specifically to be away from his wife, that the marriage is in trouble. Not that he is away for work…
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Sorry, I didn’t give the full context. He is on leave without pay from his usual job and has gone ahead for a long training course. We will join him in January for a 3 yr Japan contract. We all miss him and he us. I’ve already been up for a week visit and he’ll be back to visit us end Aug. I actually named this post “My own private Idaho” and wrote it when I sat down after clearing the desk. Sorry for the confusion.
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My husband recently got a job in Japan too – in Chiba, right next to Tokyo! Except it was for 3 years and we all moved with him. I don’t know how I’d survive 9 months, but I have enjoyed 2 overnight experiments he had to do in the past couple of weeks – I could sew and watch Desperate Housewives all night!
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