School holidays. Is that the sound of mothers screaming?

The kids and I are on holidays, and my brain has turned to mush. Truly! There is not a coherent thought in my head. At times over the past few weeks I haven’t even been able to formulate a … you know, that thing where you put a lot of words together?

I keep forgetting what I was talking about, even when it’s very interesting. Just the other day, for example, I saw a very prominent politician doing the most appalling thing with a … Gee I’m hungry…

It’s amazing how quickly holidays can erode the intellect. All I can think about is sleep, food and … no, nothing else! Just sleep and food.

Physically, I am also moving at about a quarter of my usual pace. I shuffle around the house, unable to remember why I moved from the room I was in. I keep losing the kids when we’re out, not because they run off, but because I inexplicably grind to a halt, staring blankly into space (using ‘space’ in the sense of ‘the nearest cake shop window’).

Everyone says this is what happens when you slow down. You know, it’s holiday time, the stresses of the year have ended, and you just let yourself fall apart. But I don’t think that’s what’s happening to me. I think that I simply have a finite number of intelligent thoughts, and by the holiday period I have used up my quota and am empty.

The problem is that the school holidays are actually quite full of challenges, and in my delicate state, these challenges seem utterly insurmountable.

Even working out what to wear each day is beyond me, particularly because many of my more figure-hugging clothes don’t seem to fit me at the moment (must have something to do with the washing machine). As a result, I can often be found in my underwear at two or three in the afternoon, which can be awkward, especially when guests drop by. I’d go out and buy some new clothes but frankly, I’d rather have a snack and a nap in my undies.

Of course, the biggest challenge of the school holidays is finding activities for the kids. Filling in those long hours between … well … all day really, can be excruciatingly difficult. I can get the kids up, get them dressed, give them breakfast, put them in front of the TV, and then beyond that my mind goes blank.

Even when we’ve gone on excursions – to the park, the beach, the movies, the carwash, to look at the new range in Metalicus (okay, possibly more for me than for the kids) – we have inevitably been home by midday. Okay, so then it’s time for a snack and a nap, but then what? I tell you, I’ve considered becoming religious and getting the kids to pray three times a day, just to use up more time between outings.

Still, the most challenging part of the holidays is having to do all the usual, mundane schlepping around, but with the family in tow. Have you even been to the supermarket with three kids? You either remain firm, disciplined and determined – which is way too energetic for me at present – or resign yourself to a trolley full of Superman drink bottles, Pez lollies, Wiggles bandaids, novelty toothbrushes, blue nail polish (for my son), Barbie undies (for my daughter), and a packet of oversized fake diamond rings (worryingly, for my son again).

Luckily, however, the holidays are almost over, and I shall soon have my brain back again. In the meantime, though, I’m going to have a snack and a …

Sorry, what was I saying?