Ben with his friend Riley
Ben is twelve, going on seventeen. He is hairy, smelly, eats more than I can afford, and likes to laze around on his bed, watching YouTube videos and listening to music. He also whinges when I tell him to practise his bass guitar, but then plays for hours at a time. He regularly walks in the house with the mud dribbling off his soccer boots onto my (inevitably) recently vacuumed hallway.
He goes to our local primary school, in Grade six, but soon enough, it will be time for high school. He’s excited about the prospect. We’ve looked at a few schools together, but the one he loves is the one I went to, as well as his Nana, Great-Grandma and Great-Great-Grandfather. I suspect he’ll be the first of the fifth generation at the school. The principal told me he thought Ben would be “an asset to the school”. He’ll also be the first with Down Syndrome.
He’s not scared at all. I’m terrified. The kids at his local primary school have known Ben since they were all little, and they knew no different. They might have noticed he didn’t talk much, and that he had his own pillow in the corner of the class so he could have a lie down at the end of a long school-day, but occasionally some of the other kids would use it too, in Grade one or two, at least.
As he’s grown up, the birthday party invitations have slowed down. A lot. He doesn’t have a clique or group that he hangs out with at lunchtime. His best friend at school, the most beautiful girl in the world, Riley, enjoys his company, but in the words of Dave Hinsburger, an American disability advocate, “You will always be more important in the life of someone with a disability than they are in yours.” Ben has had a crush on her for years.
An occasional comment from an unthinking teacher at his school however, reminds me that Ben doesn’t have many friends at school. And they might subtly discourage him from playing school sports, but we work through these things, and there are enough great teachers and kids there, that I don’t think he’s bullied or teased any more than the other kids.
But here’s the thing. These kids have all grown up with Ben in their lives. When he starts at high school it’s going to be a whole ‘nother ball game. And they’ll all be teenagers. And they’ll be nasty, and cruel, and he won’t have any friends, right?
Ben and Riley
For a kid with Down syndrome, Ben has pretty good manners, he speaks relatively well, can hold a conversation, throw a basketball around and read and write enough to send me a text to remind me to update the credit card details on my iTunes account. I credit a great deal of his skills to having been educated in a regular class in a regular school with an hour or so each day of extra help.
This is where I get scared. What will happen once he turns up at a school full of “typical” kids who’ve never met him, who don’t know that he’s a bit of a wuss if a ball hits him, who isn’t very good at “nose maintenance” when he’s got a cold? Will they laugh at him? Will they set him up as the fall guy, and teach him to do stuff that will get them a laugh and land Ben in trouble? Will they scrunch up their faces, point and run away from the “tard”? Will he be lonely?
I’m terrified for my boy. My beautiful, loving, kind, generous boy who has never hurt anyone. The alternative of course, is to find him a special class, or a special school. Some of them have behaviours that will scare him, or worse, he’ll copy. And I don’t reckon they do projects on immigration, and government, or do chemistry experiments in special schools. Ben loves that stuff. And research has shown, convincingly, that kids with Down syndrome educated in mainstream classes finish high school academically (and language-wise) nearly three years ahead of their peers in special classes.
I’m not worried about Ben out of school hours – he has his scout troop, his Special Olympics and best mate Charlie, who also has Down syndrome, but so much of our teenage years are spent in school. Is he going to be OK – the only kid with an obvious intellectual disability at the school?
Sam Paior has tried many things, from pulling beers, going to uni to become an architect, Crisis Communications, managing a hospital switchboard, running for Parliament, writing and supporting parents of kids with disabilities. She enjoys www.ParentsHelpingParents.org.au which she started with a few other parents of kids with special needs.
As parents of “typical” kids, have you ever spent time talking to your teenagers about disability? Would your son or daughter find it within themselves to make friends with a kid like Ben? Would you encourage them?
Comments
114 Comments so far
Hello
I don’t know whether you will read this but we are moving to NSW March 2013 and my boy who is 9 has Downs Syndrome. I too am terrifed about him fitting into a school where no one knows him, like you, our son has grown up in main stream school and his peers have known him since day 1. He gets 25 hrs support per week through our intervention system in the UK but we can only afford 15 hrs in NSW as it has to be paid for as we will be on a temp visa. I would be interested to hear how he got on. Your story really touched me. The comments are really nice below, but in reality, we know that life isn’t always kind….
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Sam, I think you can be re-assured from so many lovely stories that Ben will be loved, protected and cared for by his peers at high school. I hope in the coming year you will give us an update and let us know how Ben is going. Best of luck …..to both of you xx
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Sam,
I went to a very bitchy, competitive private girls school where there was no shortage of drama and catfights.
However, EVERY girl in our grade – and in fact the whole school – rallied around the one girl with down syndrome who attended our school. She was fiercely protected by everyone, included in everything and taught us all a lot about acceptance and diversity.
I know this must be a scary time, but you might be surprised at how thoughtful, sensitive and mature kids can be. Best of luck!
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Tears streaming down my face. He’ll be right with a mummy that cares so much. And I believe there’s beautiful people everywhere x
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I taught the most wonderful DS boy when I was teaching Drama some years ago at a regular high school. The other kids in his year were fantastic with him – yeah, there were times when he got on their nerves – but that happens with all kids! The kids tried to treat him the same as everyone else, but they were also aware that sometimes he needed help and they gave it. I noticed that this boy had friends in lots of year groups – the bigger kids used to play footy with him on the oval at lunch time and everyone knew his name – lots of high fives as he walked around the school. It gave me such joy to see the kids accepting each other for who they are. Lets hope that your boy meets some awesome kids who accept him for who he is. High school kids are not as scary as they’re made out to be, most of them (in my experience) are lovely human beings, but unfortunately it’s the tiny minority of naughty ones that get all the attention.
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Perpare to me amazed ! My son with DS attended our local high school, with his older brother and sister. Sure, having older siblings there led the way, but they also led the way to the outsiders. The kids who knew nothing about DS. I heard about some conversations, I witnessed others. I can tell you now my son was never lonely at recess or lunch time, and was bullied less than your average highschooler. On the rare occassion that this happened, the support network very quickly stepped in and took over. (the support network being more mature students who would do anything to protect my boy) He was the only year 8 kid that used to hang out in the year 12 common room ! Where he was welcomed with smiles and high 5′s. My tip… focus your energy on setting up the academic side
the social side will be a breeeze.
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Your words “I’m terrified for my boy. My beautiful, loving, kind, generous boy who has never hurt anyone.” made me cry! My two young children don’t have a disability, but I also feel that way about them going to primary school. Yet they don’t have the same level of challenges that your son must face, so I cannot imagine how terrified you must feel.
I can promise that I will continue to encourage my own children to show kindness, patience, empathy and inclusion towards all the children they go to school with, as I would hope all parents do with their children.
All our children have the right to enjoy and feel safe going to school. All the best Ben!
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Beautiful piece Sam. I agree with many below, have faith in the many wonderful and generous teenagers who are present in schools. My son is in yr eight and speaks fondly of his peers with disabilities. He says everyone accepts who they are and are cool with them. His school which is large, fosters a lovely sense of inclusion and community.
Best wishes to both of you.
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Hi Sam!
It’s completely okay to feel anxious about your child going to high school – whether they have a disability or not, so don’t worry about that one!
I’m a high school teacher at a school with 4 special ed classes. I’m sure that your boy will have a great time at high school! Even though I don’t teach special ed, I have had kids with various disabilities in my sport groups, and they have a blast! The other kids are really fair and always give them a go. We have also had a student from the special ed class swim for NSW which was amazing for not just him but the whole school. There may be hard times, but there are hard times for everyone at high school (including the teachers!) but the fun times totally outweigh the hard! good luck!
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I don’t have kids, typical or otherwise, but I wonder if giving a talk to Ben’s class might help? If you talk to his grade 6 class later this year, you might tell them how other kids might not be as understanding as they are and they might need to keep an eye on him. If you talk to year 7 early in the term, you could explain what Down Syndrome is, how it affects Ben, and all the things he *can* do.
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As a parent of a ‘typical’ girl and boy, I have always taught my children to never make fun of people with disabilities. Even calling names such as ‘spastic or retard’ isn’t acceptable. I have explained that to them. I have always taught my kids to look out for other children that are left out at school or don’t have friends, regardless of who they are. I always tell them to walk in the shoes of others and do their best to include all children in their groups. Unfortunately not all parents instill the same values in their children. I wish you all the best. xx
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My children attend a public school in the ACT where the children with disabilities are integrated into the main stream classes. I understand that parents have the choice to send their children to either our school or a ‘special’ school.
The school also has an amazing diversity of people from different countries, so while I think the teachers and other staff have a difficult job managing all this, I think my kids are growing up with an understanding and acceptance that we are all different in our own way.
In my 7 yo daughters class they have a boy with downs syndrome. The other children are rostered days to be his ‘carer’ for the day, and my daughter was most upset to miss her day once when she was sick, because he is so much fun and loves to dance.
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You are a beautiful caring mother. Just trust the universe he’ll be OK.
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Hi Sam,
My son has no disability that is medical but on the other hand a huge disability in a loving mother who also worries about the same things.
My son and I have interacted with a number of friends who have a child with a disability, from DS, Muscular Distrophy to a global development diagnosis plus austism, ADHA and OCD. At not time did he ever ask why these boys or girls were different nor did he treat them differently, he just got on with it and these boys and girls became a part of his daily life.
He in fact was having problems at school and I enquired whether it was some sort of bullying due to his association at school with the young boy with muscular distrophy in a wheel chair. I was advised that this was definately not the case, in fact the teacher was surprised the boys in his year could not spend enough time with this young lad. His school mates supported this young boy, encouraged him and he was a mate of the entire class.
I think that the question today is what is considered normal today? When you consider that there are children who do not have the support that you give Ben (he is the lucky one) are those children normal.
I feel that most of the people who commented have hit the nail on the head, teenagers are for most of the time quite pleasant and there will be those bullies out there (in fact I worry as a parent of a child without any disability) if he will be ok as does most other parent. You are not alone in your worries, they are just more obvious. Ben has the family support and love, which is more than some children have, in fact you will probably have more conversation with your son about high school than parents of teenage boys, you will be one of the lucky ones (as the mother of a teenage boy who has very little to say and has joined the ranks of trying to understand a whole new language).
Do not worry but celebrate the fact that he is where he is and you have raised a wonderful boy.
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You’re a beautiful and sensible mother. He will be absolutely fine. I’m sure there’ll be ups and downs, but with your support he will have the resilience to get through them.
I have a 14 year old girl and 12 year year old boy. They have gone through primary school with lots of kids with disability.
one day my daughter complained about the girl in her class, Chloe, who was in a wheelchair. She said it just wasnt FAIR because chloe NEVER gets into trouble for wheeling through the classroom at high speeds. Whereas she got in trouble ALL THE TIME for running. on that day I realized that it never occurred to my daughter that chloe was any ‘different’ to her or anyone else in the class.
Both of my kids are the same today. Our neighbor Andrew is three and has DS and they adore him – his disability has never been brought up. He is who he is…
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As MissT said below, I think sometimes teenagers aren’t given the benefit of the doubt they deserve. I also went to school with a girl who had down syndrome, and while there were a small minority who would try to convince her to do things that they could laugh at her for, the overwhelming majority were always quick to step in and kept an eye out for her. It’s actually quite ironic – an all girls high school is the equivalent of psychological warfare, and while everyone would sit back and let the usual politics and bullying occur to everyone else and not interfere, Maria was the exception. Students from every different clique watched out for her and made sure she wasn’t picked on, and were quick to swoop in to defend her if needed – nerds, sporty girls, emo’s, tough nuts, good girls, bad girls and everyone in between risked being singled out by the few pretty and popular girls responsible. So as MissT said, I think he’ll be fine
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I honestly believe he will be fine. I’ve been lucky enough to go to school with two boys who have down syndrome, and both were well loved and supported by many of us.
I don’t think kids are genuinely cruel, I think they can be cruel to kids who are a little bit unusual, definitely, or kids who push them outside of their comfort zone, but when it comes to a genuine disability, I think they’re pretty damn kind and caring. At my school people went out of their way to protect these boys, and anyone who dared say anything cruel was very quickly shut down in their attempt.
One of those boys now plays drums at the church I used to go to, in the song service band, and he is one of the most popular, well loved, and inspirational people there.
What I’m saying is – trust in the good in people. Teenagers get a bum rap for being awful, but sometimes they can be even more caring than adults.
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Hi Sam
good luck
I am a parent of “typical” child she is only 3 but we openly discuss anything and everything. I have friends who have a special needs little boy and also friends who are gay parents. She has been taught and will continue to be taught that everyone is different and that being mean is being mean no matter who it is directed at or why. I wish I could offer more to you in practical experience with teenagers reactions to this but as I say I only have one little one. I hope it goes better than you hope! And I agree after much time around friends with special needs children that a normal school is much better than a special school
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Hi Sam I liked your honesty about feeling terrified as Ben takes the next step into High School. Our son, Sam, started High School in January of this year and it has gone amazingly well. We did lots of early preparation and one of the best things we did (we did it for Primary school too) is make up an Introduction folder. In this folder we had lots of lovely photos of Sam doing lots of different activities including being part of his local cricket team, doing x country, kayaking, swimming, reading – all the stuff his peers were up to. We just had lots of happy snaps and “cool age appropriate” captions. We felt it was really important for the school to see Sam first and Down Syndrome way way down the list. With both schools it seems to have worked well. Sam was lucky to be going to High School with a lot of his friends (well class buddies really) from Primary but to be honest he hasn’t really socialised with them much. It is important to remember that your child may be the only one with DS but there are kids in the same class that love school, hate school, really smart, not academic, broken home, violent home life, English as a second language, on Autism Spectrum, Dyslexic – I could go on and on – in other words there is no such thing as normal and there is a real melting pot out there. Sam has teamed up with a little guy who has ASD but he has been really well received by the school community. If you get just one teacher on side then you are half way there. Talk about all the positives that Ben will bring – which is 100% true – he will bring so much more to the school than they will bring to him. If he can play the guitar and do sport he will be a legend! Good luck with it all and if you need any other ideas, let me know! Warmest regards Debra
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My neice has DS, and my sister works for Down Syndrome Victoria, they have a course running very soon on “transitioning your child to high school” so if you, Sam, are in Victoria, it might be something worth looking at. Check out their website – oh and become a member
I’m a massive reader of all things DS related, have followed a wonderful blog of a girl (now 22 years old) in America that chronicled her life in high school and now in the work force. http://sarahely8989.blogspot.com.au/
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oops sorry about the spelling mistakes .
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Hi sam,
Iam Nicci and i live in Holland, iam 26 yearsm in holland is normal that kids with down are going to normal schools! So i did grow up with the that.
Here we have a lot of facility’s for downers.
For a example is live in a complex with 3 levels, on level 0,1 and 2 there a livings downers in there own apparments (age 20 till 30) and on floor 3 people whitout down, so if they have any questions or they need help they can come to us. And on the first floor we also have a big livingroom they can go to.
Someone on twitter send me your blog becaus iam always intressted how things go in other parts off the world.
I wish you al the best with ben!! I hope he would be fine at school!
( I hope you can read my englisch its not so good in whrting iam afraid!)
Best,
Nicci
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Your English is excellent. I understood everything. Thank you for letting us know what you do in Holland.
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Hi Sam. Tears fall on my screen as I read the most resonant piece of writing ever. My son is also in Gr 6, within a mainstream setting, has severe language delay, and GDD. He has a group of ‘friends’ but no real friendships in the true sense. He gets by but as a teacher I know his levels were fudged after he lost funding. ( how can you justify a gr 5 child working at Gr 3 level if they just lost funding? Answer: you cannot so you jump them 2 VELS levels b/n gr 4 and term 1 of Gr 5) I worry about Liam attending high school, I worry that as a private Catholic school it will eventually say they cannot meet his needs, I worry FULL STOP!! I find solace that Liam is happy ( mostly) and has his older sister to support him. That with our support he will find his way and be stronger than any who may be less tolerant or understanding.
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Sam, I’m a school nurse and counsellor and I work 2 days a week at a high school. I know high school can be a cruel place, but when it comes to kids with intellectual disabilities I actually think high school kids are generally kinder and more accepting than primary school kids. They are mature enough to understand intellectual disabilities and I think there’s a strong sense that it is ‘not cool’ to tease people with an obvious intellectual disability. I worked at a school a few years ago where a lovely young boy with Down Syndrome attended and it was honestly heartwarming to see how he was treated by his fellow students. He was very cared for and protected and if any younger students tried anything when they first came to the school they quickly learned it was not tolerated by older students for a second!
I wish you and your son the best of luck!
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A beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing your experience. Ben sounds Devine, all credit to you! I truly relate to your to feelings of anguish regarding school choice. I wish you both all the best on this new life adventure. Remember to take one day at a time rather than trying to comprehend Ben’s entire High school education. Things will seem a lot less overwhelming. If it’s not working out, be prepared to make changes.
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Hi Sam,
I finished high school last year. I went to a public, coeducational high school and in the year below me we had a boy with asperger’s. There were some nasty students who enjoyed winding him up, but I think this is more due to the fact that this boy had some very peculiar opinions and enjoyed a good argument.
However, this boy was also an active member of the school debating and chess teams and has some very good friends. In fact, I recently went to a party for one of my friends in year 12 and he was there.
Young people will generally see the person, not their disability. I think it is fantastic that Ben is going to the local high school, and I’d love to know how it goes for him.
All the best.
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Hi Sam
I think if you were NOT worried about your son going into high school you’d be in the vast minority, especially given his condition!! So don’t feel bad about that!!
I spent a term as a teacher (in secondary) and Year 7s are pretty sweet still at that stage and in my experience, like others have said, they actually become protective of the kids who had special needs and look out for them.
I think what I do want to say though is more from my experience as the “sick kid” at school. I was in Year 7 when I was first diagnosed with cancer and missed a lot of school, and had chemo. I know it’s not the same as Downs Syndrome but I think often kids dont often differentiaite between illnesses. There was another girl in our year level who had heart problems and had a heart transplant too. Both she and I were 99% supported. I wont pretend every single kid was good – some of them were downright mean. But (with the benefit of hindsight as an adult!) I can look back now and see that was from a lack of maturity and understanding, not out of meanness. By the time the bullying I suffered from came, the cancer was well and truly in remission. I think I was bullied because I was more grown up in a lot of ways (cancer, chemo and friends dying aged 12 will make you grow up pretty quick!) and the kids didn’t know how to handle me and that – I wasn’t a wallflower and I fought back when they were mean. They threw the bait and I bit!!
What I am trying to say is that Ben will probably not be friends with every kid at school, but he wouldn’t be anyway, even if he didn’t have DS. He’ll make some friends, he’ll find his way and some days will be tougher than others – but that’s the same for all the kids.
From what I’m reading, Ben’s a gorgeous kid and he’ll be fabulous.
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Sam, thank you so much for this piece. My 2 year old has just been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, and your fears are very similar to the ones I have for my beautiful boy. I just want life to be easy, you know? For them to be happy, accepted and loved. A simple wish . Thanks again for this, it was just what I needed, to know I am not alone.
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Oh Sam, your post made me shed tears. Not because I have any idea how it will be for Ben but because I have a little girl with Down Syndrome who is 7 and for whom I will have to tackle the same questions soon enough.
She’s in a support class in a mainstream school. She’s sharp as a tack but is too introverted for a large class.
Your post is so so beautifully written (as all posts from the heart are).
Couple of things
1. Ben is a total spunk rat.
2. I adore the pics of him and Riley
3. I sense, from your post, that he is in wonderful wonderful hands.
You have gotten him this far….his grounding is solid and for that you should be very proud.
Congratulations…and if he’s looking for someone to take Riley’s place in 10 years or so…:)
xx
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Have you ever thought that not all parents that subscribe to this blog have “typical” kids.
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Yes. I guess that’s why I addressed my questions specifically to that audience whose kids are “typical”. I wanted to know if parents whose lives are not “touched” by disability had conversations with their teenagers about disability. Interestingly I don’t think I’ve seen a comment about that – but I have read loads of really supportive comments about the way people with disabilities are/were treated at high schools.
There have been lots of posts and comments on MamaMia from parents of kids with a wide range of disabilities – and it seems many have commented here, too. Can I ask why you ask?
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Can I ask you, Sam, if you used to work in Kelly Vincent’s office? I recognize your name from somewhere.
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Yep. One in the same.
In fact, here’s a pic I love of Ben with MLC Kelly at a rally for http://www.EveryAustralianCounts.com.au just a few weeks ago!
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You helped us with getting Chloe into a local school instead of being sent some 45kms away when you answered my desperate email and Kelly wrote a letter to the minister. Miraculously, decision reversed! She is now in a purpose built special unit which opened at the beginning of the year in her local area.
Thanks so much.
Kelly Vincent is so amazing, I do not think people outside SA realise that.
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You guys are up in the hills right? I remember wanting to tear the department a new one on your behalf. The letter I wrote on Kelly’s behalf was not an especially polite one, but it wasn’t half what I wanted to write!
I’m so glad to hear Chloe doesn’t have to sit on a bus for over an hour each way every day – ridiculous that they would entertain that for a five year old with autism. I hope all is going well for Chloe and your family!
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Hi Sam, I’m currently studying education at Monash. As teachers we are taught all about inclusive classrooms and social science is all about diversity and tolerance I guess I wanted to tell you this so you know what the teachers are being taught and to let you know your son will be in good hands. Please post again to tell us how he’s going.
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Hi Sam, I often speak to my children about children that are special needs / different as they often complain that they are treated differently or get away with more. I want my children to be caring and compassionate to others. To acknowledge differences and accept them. I find they will accept many of these kids and genuinely care about them and just not get along with others and I guess that’s normal. We need to teach our children empathy and to walk in someone else’s shoes. I hope we succeed and Ben sounds very resilient that is another important life skill!
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That is true, AutismMum. My granddaughter is 6 and has ASD. She recently started using the word autism, we think because a new boy started in her class and she may have heard the adults using the word when discussing his needs.
We have no idea how or when to discuss her disability with her, just the thought is enough to keep me up at night.
One of the things we do find is that some of the other kids play with Chloe and her special needs classmates, one who has Downs Syndrome, in the playground ( where our kids are carefully supervised). Some quite little kids can be very caring and protective.
I do not want to think about high school, I just know that many kids on the spectrum are home schooled at that stage and hope that the situation is better when Chloe gets to high school.
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AutismMum, somehow I’m sure that thought has crossed the writers mind. I’m guessing you have a child with autism, I don’t see how this article is offensive in any way to anyone else with a child who has a disability..
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I wasn’t saying it was offensive. All I was trying to say was its not only “typical” kids that need education about disabilities. Kids with disabilities need to understand as well. There’s no malice in what I said.
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Great story. My daughter has a hearing disability and I have to say that generally the girls at her school were very accepting of her and didn’t bully her. Can’t say the same for some teachers who seemed to equate hearing loss with stupidity. Luckily, children these days seem to be far more accepting of difference then the previous generation
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I don’t know anyone with Downs Syndrome so forgive my niave question. Would Ben be able to learn some coping mechanisms to deal with the mean kids if it eventuates? Can you talk to him about it?
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Great question chellebelle. Kids with intellectual disability may not understand the nature of the teasing, and may “laugh along” but know that something isn’t right. It’s hard to teach mechanisms that can help, and teaching my kiddo, for example, the difference between acceptable gentle ribbing, and more sinister words/actions is difficult.
A few years ago, Ben came home from school and proudly announced “I got a new name, Mum!” When I asked what that was, his response was “I (sic) the retard”!
I bought a flat screen TV that night and hibernated behind it for several weeks, but if I’m honest with myself, Ben wasn’t “hurt” at all – some of the older boys thought it was a scream to teach him to walk around the school saying “I the retard” – but my heart broke. It was the end of my innocence in a way.
That said, the school addressed it immediately and the boys apologised, and Ben now understands that it is not acceptable to call certain names – he’ll give me a right old serve if I call myself “stupid” in front of him!
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Thanks for your reply Sam. Best of luck.
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I too am terrified at the thought of my son starting high school next year.He has primarily tourettes syndrome along with a few other lables (aspergers,ADD, ODC and anxiety) .He is currently in year 6 at our local primary school who have I guess been protective off his “quirks” ,explaining his rather odd behaviour to the other kids and being generous with behaviour managment.To look at my son you would assume there is nothing “wrong” (other than the tics) he is of average intellegence so therefor does not qualify for special ed.He had a teachers aid for a while ,but unfortunatley the funding ran out.Currently he is only able to attend school for 2 hours a day ,as the school finds his behaviour dificult to manage and his tics become too much for him to cope with.Friendship wise my boy seems to be very isolated , all the other children have become tiresome of his antics,its like he has stayed 6 years old and all of his peers have matured and are ready for the giant step to high school, which he is completly not ready for.If he is “allowed” time in the play ground he must be shadowed by a teacher for his saftey and that of the other children, hows that going to work in high school? Repeating is not an option ,who wants a 13 year old in year 6? I truley wish some of the principals of high schools I have approached (including some very expensive private schools) would discribe my beautiful boy as ” an asset to the school” rather than a burden that no one seems to want to take on.
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Honestly I reckon the other kids will love him for who he is. he will probably be cooler than cool and have loads of respect from the other kids. its the kids without disabilities who are perhaps not in the loop who get picked on. I understand your concern but i think with this one just let him go, if it doesnt work out you can always change schools right?
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I am a special educator, so my kids have a great attitude towards kids with disabilities. However, my experience is that today’s teenagers are more highly evolved than we were, and far more accepting. If they have information about what a child’s disability means, and how they’re more alike than different, they’ll generally give friendship a shot. I suspect Ben has a fantastic sense of humour (most kids with DS do), and that always earns kudos with other kids. I’m sure his special ed teachers will be fantastic.
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My kids, through my ADHD son have been aware of “disabilities” or differences for a long time. Even if you don’t believe that there is anything wrong with people with ADHD, we’ve met through him, kids with aspergers/ASD, Tourette’s, OCD and bipolar (I know, not a disability that one). As a result we’ve had many talks about people that are different to most and I would hope its paid off.
A girl up the road has EB and despite several attempts to set up a play date, it just never happened. So I was left reassuring my daughter that nothing was wrong with her.
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We are lucky enough to be good friends with a family who has an autistic child. He enriches our life in so many ways, and my daughter (who is 5, as is he) has been learning about how J* is different and special since she could start to understand. I hope and pray that we will continue this relationship well into high school years – God can be found in everyone, it is our job to find it. My children will always be encouraged to befriend those who need it. They can only benefit.
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I teach high school kids and they are generally a very caring and protective bunch when it comes to kids with special needs.
I wish I could post you a photo that is displayed in our office of one of our boys who has Downs Syndrome, doing reading with one of our less than model students as part of a welfare program. The two boys have their arms around each other, grins from ear to ear and both giving the thumbs up. On any other given day, the second boy can be a complete thug, but not with the kids from the Learning Support unit. The kids with special needs are very much a ‘protected species’ in our school, and all the others look out for them.
Have faith – teenagers are really just adults waiting to happen.
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That is such a lovely thing to hear, and I love your comment about teenagers – they aren’t another species.
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Thanks. I am hearing so many supportive comments. I’m feeling much better already!
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Hi Sam,
don’t worry about your boy, I found that the kids with the obvious disabilities usually get left alone, the bullies don’t usually target them because everyone including other students and teachers are a lot more protective and defensive of these kids. bullies or teenagers have their own unwritten code, such as those in my school, yes the kids who can look after themselves but suffer a little from low self confidence do get left in the spotlight for bullies, but the kids who have a disability where there is nothing they can do about it (disabilities they are born with) rarely get treated poorly. it’s seen as distasteful.
my comment about victims of bullying sounds awful actually and I may not be communicating my thoughts quite so well, but basically from my experience I think your boy will be just fine in mainstream school. if you think he needs an extra support teacher, it might be a great idea but in terms of his social wellbeing, you’ll find kids are a lot more supportive than we give them credit for
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I get what your trying to say. What I remember from my high school days is that the obvious special needs kids were looked after & protected & there was no way the bully kids would ever attempt to pick on them.
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I would be really surprised if he has trouble with bullying. High school kids are not mean like that, I don’t reckon.
They’ll be mean to the little smart kid or the kid with bad skin but not to a down syndrome child, even a bully knows better than that, bullying a child with an obvious disability is lower than low! Teenagers have their own code of ethics, opaque though it may seem to us, and I am pretty sure that would be considered beyond the pale.
He may not have heaps of friends though if he’s a cheerful, good-natured kid, he may well! Friendly people make friends, whoever they may be.
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My brother has DS as well as Autism. He attended a regular primary school and high school with an aide. In high school, it wasn’t a sister school of his primary school so everyone was different and no one knew him.
Everyone was amazing, both staff and students. The other students adored him and were so supportive of him. They cheered him on during sports, They sat with him during recess and lunch. They invited him to birthday parties.
He was the only one who had ever attended the school as a student with an intellectual disability.
It’s very dependant on the school and especially the staff. If they’re supportive of the placement, then others will follow.
Good luck!
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I think the best idea would be send him to a highschool, my friends sister has down syndrome and she learnt alot from being amongst other kids at the school at the same age as her.
Yes, they do silly things sometimes but the kids adored her and she has made friends for life.
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WOW!
I feel like you have written what I am worried about for my daughter for next year..
She doesn’t have down syndrome but she has many other additional needs along with severe food allergies…
The thought of her going to high school is really worrying me.
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As a high school kid, I can say that, while High School is a mean place for everyone at times, kids with disabilities are treated with respect and have great friends, (at my school, at least).
There will always be people who give him crap. But that’s life, people give me crap too. But overall, he won’t be treated badly because of his disability. In fact, kids at my school with disabilities are treated more nicely.
(sorry for my comment not being PC, but I can assure you that, it will be a meaner place, but your son will not be bullied because, no matter what, most people have a standard of respect. No matter who they are, they will deep down be nice to your son)/.
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Also, it is scary. But it is for everyone.
I guarantee there will always be people who will help your son out and be his friend. If he is a nice person, there will be nice people who are nice to him.
Not all teens are a stereotype. If I had your son in my year, I can tell you now that the mean people would ignore him and the nice people would be nice.
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So, Chris, what school are you at?
Thanks for your common sense comments. Much appreciated!
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I’m from Holy Spirit in Wollongong. It’s a great school. And I hope I helped
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Probably a little too far for Ben to catch a bus to school..
Tell your principal, and your parents, that they should be proud of you. Very proud.
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Haha, I guess it probably is!
Thanks!
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I taught a downs boy in year 7 and 8. I wondered how he got on socially and then one day he got in a bit of a fist fight with another boy in his year level. The other boy was suspended but not the downs boy. The next day a bunch of year 8s went to the coordinators to demand that the downs boy be suspended too. The staff agreed and a suspension was given just like the other boy had got. This made his parents cry with joy because it showed that the kids perceived him as an equal. Teens are annoying but their sense of fairness and justice is well developed.
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A “downs boy”?
Or a boy with Down Syndrome?
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Sorry a relative used to be an integration aide for kids with Down’s Syndrome and she referred to them as her Downs kids. I meant no offense.
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What an incredibly beautiful, poignant, brave and deeply moving post. Sam, thank you. I feel like my eyes have been opened that little bit wider….xxxxxx
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Thanks Mia, for the opportunity.
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Perhaps a helpful person that you can contact is your School Counsellor. They can put you in touch with support staff that can assist (such as Learning Support etc.) with Ben’s transition and keep an eye out for him. Your School Counsellor is also someone that Ben can talk to at school if anything happens, and can help him work through changes and new experiences along the way. I am a School Counsellor myself and have the pleasure of working with lots of kids with special needs. I find that, and it sounds like this already applies to you, I seem to have the most success working with parents who are open to advice and meet the school “half-way.” This really can ensure that a child (with special needs or not) gets consistency and stability, which then makes a huge difference to their ability to adjust and become more resilient. Best of luck!
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What a beautiful heartfelt piece of writing. You sound like such a lovely mum with a very lucky son. Good luck with high school. Please let us know how your big guy goes.
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Oh my goodness! What an amazing community here at MamaMia. What wonderfully supportive words.
Thank you. Thank you all deeply.
Ben is a treasure, and Riley is an absolute gem.
I’ll make sure to keep MamaMia up to date on Ben’s progress. I’m very proud of how far he’s come from that tiny newborn taped up with a million tubes in the NICU.
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I love your concern.
And I suspect every parent worries for their little kids in “big school”.
But for every rumour of a nasty teen and what they will do to the newcomer, I am yet to see it.
As a high school teacher, teens are for the most part funny, clever, observant, helpful, great problem solvers and kind.
Primary school kids are more likely to act without understanding or social graces.
Does the school have a transition program, where the 6th graders visit, and integrate before yr 7?
And will he be the only one forever? Unanswerable.
We have a couple of Down’s kids and others with more severe disabilities of all sorts. And they would be the most love and cared for kids in the school.
Teens can be very protective as well as great volunteers and leaders.
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I’m so glad there are high school teachers like you Jojowilks
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I really can’t understand why you wouldn’t then opt for a school that will better suit his needs if you are so terrified. The kids may not be unkind to him, but he will doubtless be excluded. Why not opt for a school for students with special needs? Good luck. I hope your boy is ok in high school.
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I think Sam explained that pretty well – maybe you didn’t catch this paragraph?
“The alternative of course, is to find him a special class, or a special school. Some of them have behaviours that will scare him, or worse, he’ll copy. And I don’t reckon they do projects on immigration, and government, or do chemistry experiments in special schools. Ben loves that stuff. And research has shown, convincingly, that kids with Down syndrome educated in mainstream classes finish high school academically (and language-wise) nearly three years ahead of their peers in special classes.”
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And the research is …..?
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Here’s one of the studies, Pat.
http://www.down-syndrome.org/updates/166/
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Such a touching piece of writing.
I went to a public school, and there was a group of dickhead boys that would sometimes encourage a special needs boy to do stupid things for their entertainment. When this happened, it was usually other students that came down on them. Hard. The Dickheads always stuck to their guns and defended themselves (Come on! We’re just mucking around! Jack doesn’t care, he thinks it’s funny too!) but everyone was quick to call bullshit and would make noise until the instigators had to face the wrath of the principal.
Just to paint a clear picture, Jack wasn’t an exclusive target – it wouldn’t be uncommon for The Dickheads to yell out hurtul or offensive things to others walking past their group during lunch (girls, nerd boys, younger students were usual targets) but we generally knew to ignore them or tell them to fuck off (to which we would then be asked if we were ‘on our rags’). LOVELY group of boys, I’m sure you can imagine.
I hope your boy doesn’t come up against this, but he might. Just have faith that if it does happen, most of the kids will have his back and stick up for him. I’m sure a lot of parents worry about their kids getting bullied at school, but not a lot of them can be almost certain another kid will come to their rescue. Good luck to you and your beautiful boy.
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