A few years ago, the idea of sleeping for eight hours – hell, sleeping for two hours – uninterrupted was like a fantasy in the realm of winning Lotto or marrying Ryan Gosling. That’s because my then five-month old daughter Coco was waking up to eight times every night to have her dummy re-plugged.
Even now, those days, months, are a grey blur. I remember stumbling up and down the hallway in the dark every night and barely being able to answer my sympathetic girlfriends who asked me “how was last night?”. Simply because I couldn’t remember. It was all a blur of crying and waking and soothing and stumbling back to bed and more crying and getting up and being out of my mind with exhaustion so that I often felt hollow.
You see, that’s the thing with sleep deprivation. It goes way beyond just being tired. It starts to pull at the threads of your family. Your ability to think clearly. To stay rational. It affects your relationships. Your work. Your partner’s work. And worst of all your ability to enjoy your baby and any other children you may have.
Five years ago I felt like I was losing my mind.
[NOTE: You can download singer, song-writer, performer and mother, Amity Dry's beautiful song that accompanies this video here on iTunes. Run don't walk.]
And that’s when I met Elizabeth Sloane.
Elizabeth was recommended to me by a friend who said Elizabeth had this magic ability to teach babies from six-months-old how to sleep.
And so I called her – in tears – as hundreds of other exhausted mothers do every year.
When Coco turned 6 months old (OK, she may have been 5 and a half months and I may have fudged her age JUST A WEEE BIT) Elizabeth came to my home and gave Coco what she called ‘the gift of sleep’ teaching her in 3-nights how to give up the dummy and instead self-settle. (I should point out that according to Elizabeth, Coco had the worst dummy addiction she’d ever seen. Fabulous. That’s my girl. )
Two years later Elizabeth came back to teach my son the same thing. They’ve both been sleeping through the night ever since.
What I loved the most about Elizabeth from the first time we met in person – other than her completely calming presence and beautifully warm personality – is that she loves babies. Adores them. Best of all, she’s passionate about what she does. Elizabeth truly believes that every child deserves to be getting a good night’s sleep for the sake of their growth, development and their general well-being. She also feels that making a child dependent on their mum or dad to get to sleep isn’t fair on the child.
With all that in mind, I decided I wanted to share Elizabeth’s wisdom — actually her entire, clever, brilliant program – with exhausted mothers everywhere who don’t live in Sydney or who might not be able to afford their own sleep whisperer but who are as sleep-deprived as I was.
So … Elizabeth, Mamamia’s own Bec Sparrow and I have joined forced to bring you Mamamia Publishing’s very first eBook “The Gift of Sleep” which harnesses Elizabeth’s 20 years of experience and reveals her ENTIRE program – showing you step-by-step how to teach your baby to sleep through the night, self-settling every time they naturally wake.
This program won’t be for everyone. Elizabeth is the first to say that you should do what works for YOUR family. So if you’re currently getting up to your baby at night and it’s not affecting you … great! Do what is best for you and your child. But if you – or someone you know – feels at breaking point because of lack of sleep — then you need to run, not walk, to get this book.
And yes, it’s the perfect gift for a friend or relative.
All those hours of rocking, patting, singing, dummy-plugging and feeding your little one to sleep (only to tiptoe out of the room and have them start bawling before you’ve made it past the end of the cot). The drives in the car. The laps round the lounge room with the pram. The elaborate routines I’ve done, Bec’s done and thousands of you have done – ARE still doing – to get our children to sleep. The routines that inevitably wear you down and wear you out. It’s all about to be replaced with SLEEEEEEEP.
What I know is that “The Gift of Sleep” will change the life of every sleep-deprived parent and every exhausted baby who wakes throughout the night.
And I should know. Because it changed mine.
To instantly download your copy of The Gift of Sleep ($19.95), go to www.thegiftofsleep.com.au. Do you know a mother who could use The Gift of Sleep? If you have a girlfriend, sister, cousin, daughter, neighbour or friend who is currently in the fog of sleep-deprivation, buy her a copy for Mother’s Day. After all, the ultimate gift you can give a mother is the gift of sleep.
341 Comments so far
My baby is too young to start the program yet (he’s only 4 months) but I’m hanging out to do this in 8 weeks. I bought the book and I really could relate to the thinking behind the approach.
Was sceptical at first but was money well spent. I’m going to buy a copy for my sister-in-law who hasn’t slept in 2 years.
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I know what I’ll be buying my sister this mothers day……
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I am lucky enough to have a baby who has always been quite a good self-settler but the other women in my mother’s group are really struggling with their 9 month olds. I seem to be the only one getting any sleep.
I just bought copies of the book for all of them. They’ve tried everything else without success!
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Reading some of the comments from those people who suggest co-sleeping or staying awake all night with your baby made me feel terribly guilty for not being prepared to do that.
But I have a toddler and a preschooler and I just cannot physically cope any more without sleep. My 8 month old has never been a good sleeper and maybe it’s the accumulation of 6 years of broken sleep but I’m at breaking point.
I have downloaded your book and skim read it this morning with hope in my heart. I have to say I’m encouraged to read how kind Elizabeth seems and it’s nothing like some of the more outlandish comments below. My partner and I are committed to trying this tonight.
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Thank you Elizabeth! And Bec! And Mia! And mamamia! I bought the book on Monday and by last night, my baby only woke once instead of 4 times.
I’m hoping tonight we’ll get all the way through.
Finally, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I was so reassured by the kind approach Elizabeth takes. And my son also slept during the day yesterday for 2 hours which he has never done before (he is 15 months). Thank you thank you thank you. PS: thank you.
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I bought the book on Friday as soon as I saw this post. By day 3 my daughter was sleeping through – or not needing a bottle in the middle of the night anyway. She’s 19 months and hasn’t slept through a single night before now.
I am beside myself with gratitude.x
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I think that you have to be gentle with your dealings with your babies and toddlers.
When he was two my baby son started waking up at 2am, he wasn’t upset, he was just awake. In the end I just started getting up with him as I had a sleeping baby daughter and a husband who had to go to work.
My son didn’t sleep at all in the daytime, he would go to sleep at 7pm and then wake up at 2am. I also went to bed at 7pm knowing that I’d be having an early start in the morning.
I was really worried about the lack of sleep that my two year old was getting, even though while he was awake he was a happy little soul and a joy to have. The child health clinic sister told me not to worry about it and to view the early mornings as a special time for me and him where he had all my attention and no distractions.
When he was four I took him to a child psychologist about his sleeping pattern as I was still worried about his lack of sleep. The child psychologist was fantastic and said it wasn’t a problem that my child slept those hours, the problem was that he was waking up me to be with him.
He worked out a ‘training’ program that resulted in my child being relaxed at spending his early morning hours out of bed on his own. Initially I still woke up at 2am and I listened for him but I soon got back to ‘normal’ sleeping hours.
My son started off being restricted to his bedroom but as he got a little older he had the run of the house. We have an indoor cat that would keep him company which also helped.
As he turned into a teenager he sleeping hours moved and he would go to bed in the early hours of the morning and get up around 7am.
I think that people’s sleep needs are something that you have very little control over. I’m glad that I did it the way that I did it instead of having a nightly 2am battle with my child which probably would have done damage to his and my relationship.
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Catgirl – with respect, I’m glad that worked for you but there is no way I would be cool with it. Kids and babies need sleep. I thought my baby was happy during the day too but it wasn’t until she was sleeping through the night thanks to a sleep program like this one that I noticed a real change in her.
She actually slept better in the DAY as well (I note that Elizabeth mentions that in her book too – better night sleep equals better day sleep) and she was just….happier. More alert, better able to concentrate and deal with normal frustrations of daily life.
I can’t imagine that it’s particularly safe having a 2 or 4 year old wandering around the house alone.
So to say that’s a good solution for everyone is pretty odd.
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You’re being a bit rude. Catgirl has just relayed her own experience and said that she’s glad she did what she did. She hasn’t said it’s a good solution for everyone.
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OMG. I bought the book on Sunday because my baby hasn’t slept for more than 2hrs in a row since she was born. I was nervous but started the program Sunday night. The first night was intense at times but I followed the instructions carefully and was reassured by the advice. I am a single Mum so I got my own mum to come over and support me emotionally through it. Last night, my 11 month old went down awake in her cot at 7pm and I didn’t hear her wake again until 6:20am.
I went in a few times to check on her because I couldn’t quite believe it.
But she was peacefully sleeping.
I feel reborn. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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I really wish the attachment parenting brigade would stop sending their troops to comment on this post and disrupt the discussion with their strong views.
Go for your life ladies but leave the rest of us alone.
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I wonder if this book has any advice on babies who won’t nap during the day? My four and a half month old baby is fine at night – settles himself happily, and only one nighttime feed, but he pretty much did that on his own, from around 6 weeks. Daytime, however, is another matter entirely… He becomes distressed within seconds of being placed in his cot (no matter how early I catch those tired cues) and I find myself walking him in his carrier for hours every day, just to get a cat nap out of him. I realize this isn’t as bad sleep deprivation, but he’s so tired and cranky all day that I don’t get a second to do anything – it’s still almost impossible to shower without him becoming extremely distressed. Our families are interstate so most days there is never a break… I just can’t work out why he can sleep in his cot all night but won’t go near it during the day? And no one else seems to have this problem, so the only ‘advice’ I get is to be happy that he sleeps at night! I’ve already read so many books, and nothing works… I think I just suck at this.
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I’m devastated to see such an ebook pop up, offering such advice to vulnerable sleep deprived parents/carers. Babies need attentive, intuitive adults to support them in sleep, and to have such rigid guidelines about sleeping through the night from a very young age is setting unrealistic expectations for the many parents/carers who are already struggling. It is NORMAL for infants to wake. It is not ideal though I agree – but it is showing age appropriate brain development, and whilst some babies will sleep longer than others, some simply won’t. The Science of Parenting or Sleeping Like a Baby are excellent resources, that gives a much better understanding of how and why babies sleep, and the biological process behind it. Please don’t sensationalize often hard to achieve sleep patterns/routines for small folk. They only instill more fear and a sense of failure in the parents of the children who are waking. Making money off the back of any vulnerable people in any part of our society should be scorned!
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Donna,
Last night a mother emailed me whose son was waking up every 40 minutes. If a baby or toddler has developed a sleep dependence (like needing a dummy replugged all night) … this book simply offers another gentle option.
We are not saying it’s the only way. We are simply presenting another option that we believe is gentle and that works.
If you read the book (which clearly you haven’t!!!) … you would see that Elizabeth repeatedly tells parents to trust their instincts. And that nobody knows their baby like they do.
This book is not about forcing babies to sleep through the night. It’s about teaching babies to self-soothe.
This attitude that all parents should be “okay” with surviving on 3 hours of broken sleep every night for months – sometimes years – on end is incredibly damaging. And irresponsible. Something like 70% of car accidents in this country are caused from fatigue. On top of that babies need their sleep for healthy development.
I would suggest you read the book before making inaccurate statements about what it contains.
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Donna, no one is making anyone do anything or buy anything. It’s about happy families – some parents are happy co-sleeping for years, great. Others enjoy feeding their babies to sleep and will lovingly do it for as long as they and their babies want to – terrific. Elizabeth’s book is for parents looking for options. No one wants anyone to be unhappy (least of all babies). There will be many, many people who won’t buy Gift Of Sleep. Just like there will be vegetarian families who won’t buy 101 Meals With Mince.
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Donna – you clearly feel very strongly about this. So why don’t you spend lots of your own time and money writing a book about the methods you recommend and then give it away to everyone for free?
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How is writing a book and selling it for less than $20 a bad thing? REally? What happened to giving women choices about how to parent their children?
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Hi Donna,
Thanks for your comment. As the publisher of The Gift Of Sleep and the person who wrote this post and endorses the book with all my heart, I thought I should respond to you personally.
I went and looked up the ‘resources’ you recommend – The Science of Parenting is a book that costs $24.95 (plus delivery) and Sleeping Like A Baby costs $22.99 (plus delivery).
Are you saying THOSE books and the methods they endorse are the only ones mothers should have access to?
And for more than $50 instead of $19.95?
And you’re accusing us of exploiting ‘vulnerable’ mothers?
We produced this book as cheaply as we could and with an enormous amount of care, diligence and thought. Not to mention love and goodwill.
Buying it and reading it is not compulsory. But I am surprised that any mother would want to deny other mothers access to information just because they don’t personally agree with it.
I am so so proud of this book and I am already delighted with the feedback we are receiving from mothers who are putting Elizabeth’s program into practice.
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This is a side issue but I’m wondering why e-books are so expensive.
The sleep book for example, talked about in this post is $19.95 for a file download. Seeing that It doesn’t involve costs associated with paper, printing, postage or handling, I feel it is very expensive.
Of couse I am aware that there would be costs associated with the author running her website that the book gets downloaded from.
Maybe the cost of e-books would make a good post.
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This whole article and all of the comments make me incredibly anxious about having a baby, and I’m normally a “common-sense” fan of the “follow your instincts, or ask your mum” method. I can only imagine that being ridonkulously sleep-deprived would make “common sense” and your “instincts” walk right out the door, along with your patience.
No wonder friends of mine who are new parents go stir-freakin-crazy over various parenting “methods” and read all sorts of books and then get even more wound up.
It all sounds terrifying!
Good luck, mums and dads!
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Dont be anxious. As long as you have a firm partnership, supportive family/friends, stable housing and income and don’t over think it you’ll be ok. Listen to all the advice you get and use what works for you. Not every baby is a poor sleeper. I had 2 who were great and 2 who were so so.
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Good thinking, 99
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Steph, don’t feel anxious. Trust your gut and listen to people who know and love you, and whom you know and trust. Read the books that seem to strike a chord and ignore anything that makes you feel bad.
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I’m sure you will be a very successful mother! My post (now on another page) is just that – read widely, use the brain you were given and you’ll find exactly what works for your little ones and the skills to do it over and over as required.
All the best!
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Have you heard? The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
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response to Wednesday Jane:
i actually don’t label myself as an attachment parent, i class myself as an informed and up to date parent in that i read all the up to date information including neuroscience, qualified and well experienced people, many baby whisperers are not actually qualified e.g. Tizzie Hall prime example what they write is actually not factually correct – Dr Howard Chilton will attest to this, they dont back any of their opinions up with research, reliable sources for example.
I think what many confuse is that you are one or the other which is incorrect, i follow my instinct, and i QUESTION everything particularly mainstream parenting approach as i believe the masses are sold a lot of crap which is against how we are designed as humans on order to have a level of control in our lives and that suit our lifestyles.
i think often attachment parenting is perceived like your a chick from byron bay who has a baby hanging off your boob every 5 minutes which is wrong !
I actually coslept and did cot sleeping, yes i did breastfeed past 12mths not because i did a certain philosophy but i followed my babies cues she wasn’t ready to be weaned so why push her to be because everyone tells you to, i think the big difference is that i refuse to be led down the garden path by “ideas” that we get sold about babies in our society e.g. the awkwardness by westerners about co-sleeping – hey whats the big deal the majority of the world do it they arent in your bed forever, why do you have to finish breastfeeding at 12months when the WHO recommends until 2yrs and beyond….?
As leading SIDS and infant sleep researcher Dr James Mckenna once said on The Today Show – whatever choice you make as a parent at least you ought to know the difference this is 2012 for far too long we have been trying to detach ourselves too quickly as parents…one approach is very culturally orientated and is designed to make baby independent before their time e.g. this book – is this working out for us as a society mmmm not sure! the other is based on biology and science for me personally this is how i feel i would like to see the world evolve back to our true selves you’d see a lot less suffering!
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I posted earlier and after reading some of the comments just wanted to add this. In my experience many parents don’t turn to sleep training as their first solution. For all the concern about controlled crying I’m not sure lots of Mum’s understand exactly how much crying some of these poor little tikes are doing prior to sleep training. My son, at 12 months old, would sometimes cry for 5 or 6 hours straight while we cuddled and rocked and tried to soothe him to sleep. He cried WAY less during controlled crying training!
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I totally relate to what you are saying.
This was my experience.
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I agree too. I find myself fitting the ‘attachment parenting’ label but totally agree. I know that at one stage our girl suddenly stopped falling asleep and the harder we worked at getting her to sleep (patting, rocking, holding, ‘shhhh-ing’, head-and-tummy pressure as recommended by the hospital – you name it we tried it). One day I put her down just to go to the loo and lo and behold, by the time I was done taking a whizz she was asleep. Turns out we were trying too hard to get her to sleep. The pattern has maintained, in our case, less is more. You have no idea how hard it is to tell my babysitting in-laws that!
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Having read through many of these comments, I have to say I’m seeing some patterns. Most of the people opposing the idea of this book and all other sleep programs are followers of the attachment parenting model which I believe is quite extreme and basically involves wearing your baby for months (years?), breastfeeding way past the 1 year mark and co-sleeping.
True?
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There is nothing extreme about breastfeeding beyond one year. It is normal, what is supposed to happen. The WHO recommends breastfeeding until two years and beyond.
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I’m breastfeeding my daughter past 1, we co-sleep and I wear here in a backpack on occasion. I do all these because it’s just how things work best for us, not because of any adherence to an extreme philosophy. I couldn’t care less if people want to do controlled crying or any other way of teaching to sleep. It hasn’t been an issue for us, so I haven’t worried about it. If I was with KDot’s dad, it’d be a very different story regarding the sleeping, but I’m fairly sure I’d still be OK with still breastfeeding (it’s not that extreme!) and wearing her though.
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Like you I don’t see breastfeeding for over a year as extreme, more like 7 years (I have seen that), but I couldn’t wear my kids. My back ends up hurting too much. When they were babies and toddlers it hurt a lot with just ordinary lifting etc, so my husband used to put them in a sling at times, but if wearing your baby works and makes you happy, whatever works.
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How on earth is Breastfeeding your baby (because you find it works for you and makes things easy) and baby wearing (because you find it works for you and makes life easy) extreme?!?… Extremely what??? Extremely normal???
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It is always disheartening to see so many people who should be fighting for the same thing (ie. happy healthy children) ganging up on one another and taking “sides”. Everyone has the right to be heard and if this book can help even one person live a happier life, why the critique?
Discussions regarding this being a money making scheme obviously have no appreciation for the time and efforts involved in publishing.
Very concerning that SIDS accept money for their logo to appear on products that they do not recommend or endorse!!
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I’m positive I read that SIDS and kids don’t endorse any products, for money or otherwise. Where is that from?
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I have not done any research regarding this, was merely commenting on a below comment – see ‘Jill Green’. I don’t think SIDS”endorse” products, but it appears they will allow their logo to appear on products for money, which is very misleading.
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i too live with a hubbie who was sleep trained he is a shocking sleeper, or detached i know this as my MIL has the very same attitude as these sleep whisperers when i had my first baby, she told me how a baby needs to be fed on a routine never comfort fed, to not to rush to it at 5 weeks old ‘she might get used to you’, whenever we sat patiently settling our 2 yr old to bed she would tut tut, she go on about spoiling, not looking in eyes and leaving to cry..you’ll create a rod for your back if you dare co-sleep….both of her adult kids have major mental health issues – anxiety and depression including psychotic episodes, daughter suffers from IBS badly also cannot regulate her emotions like anger SOOOOOO is this all part of sleep training?
Well you could say its a factor to the approach to parenting she has adopted its was part of their beginning in their lives also most importantly how they handled difficult life experiences like divorce and loss of a sibling there was lots of stress in their early lives, science knows that by the age of 3 90% of the neurons in the brain are connected, if babies are subjected to this type of approach they are definitely at risk and this is what science has been banging on about for the past few years…they aren’t trying to make you feel guilty they are trying to help you understand babies brains and how they grow, how they wire so you are informed.
When babies are not responded to the brain goes straight into ‘distress mode’ hence why the Tizzie and Elizabeth’s of this world simply ignore the protest cry when really they don’t understand that cry is genuine – it is different to a grizzle or tired winding down cry which i think all mothers know-I think it just allows them to justify to parents that its ok to leave that cry when really they have no understanding it is a form of communication, Tizzie esp is vile as she times being out of a room according to the clock which is a con job to sleep deprived parents.
So my point is tread very very carefully, as stated on many posts we have the science understand it, you are wiring a brain and as the legendary Paed Dr William Sears will say over 30 years of experience & 8 kids of his own has shown to him what basic forms of parenting are needed to create well attached children and most of all adults and the suggestions made in this book simply do not meet those long term needs because long term you have no idea of the damage you are doing remember we live in a society with loads of mental health issues….you’ve got to ask yourself why i strongly believe based on my own research, observations etc that those first years of attachment are crucial to giving your child the best chance at managing the challenges of life.
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HI Sharon
Please read the book.
Elizabeth repeatedly says:
Immediately go to your child if they are distressed at any time for any reason.
In the end YOU are the parent — trust your instincts. Do what works for you.
Both the Murdoch’s Children’s Research Institute and the Centre for Community Child Health at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne endorse sleep programs such as Elizabeth’s.
Links below
http://www.mcri.edu.au/news/2010/march/%27controlled-crying%27.aspx
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/controlled_comforting.html/highlight/Controlled%20crying
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Sharon – are you by any chance an attachment parent?
Just a wild guess….
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It might work for some babies, but even the author says her success rate is about 70%.
When you’re desperate and depressed it’s worth a try but please listen to your baby – mine never did a little ‘grizzle’ cry, it was flat out screaming and only intensified if I left them to cry for 5/7/10 minutes. (My daughter also ‘failed’ sleep school.)
If it’s not working for you within a few days then my personal experience was to resort to gentle methods, they do work eventually too. Any controlled crying (and that’s what it is, not ‘progressive waiting!’) only made sleep problems worse for MY children.
I just fear that people buy these books then become even more anxious when they don’t work. But that’s a lesson I learned in retrospect.
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Hi Cara!
Your statement above is actually incorrect.
Elizabeths says that by the third night 70% of babies on the program will sleep through the night, without waking.
The others will naturally wake and self-settle back to sleep.
The aim of the program is not to force babies or toddlers to sleep through the night but to teach them to ‘self-settle’. However 70% of children end up sleeping through the night because of the program
I totally agree about the importance of listening to your child. In the book Elizabeth repeatedly says to go to your child if they are ever in distress. And that in the end, you should trust you instincts as a parent.
This program isn’t for every parent. It’s simply another option out there for parents to consider. Different approaches work for different families.
Thanks for your comment!
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Rebecca, are you saying that Elizabeth believes her success rate to be closer to 100%? That’s a big call don’t you think?
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Sharon – seriously? You want women not to try this because your husband doesn’t sleep very well? My husband doesn’t sleep very well either. I think it’s because he had a bottle before bed when he was a baby. SO YOU HAD BETTER NOT GIVE YOUR BABY A BOTTLE. Making those kind of ridiculous links doesn’t help anyone. Let alone tired mothers.
Come on…….
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Love the way anti sleep training posts keep being removed. Way to encourage open debate…
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Where there’s money to be made…
I know of several posts removed. It sure makes all other threads look like a joke.
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Hi Attached parent,
the comments that have been removed are those where the author has been posting under multiple names or is abusive or defamatory. Our anti-spam filter sometimes picks up others but we try to check it regularly.
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There are plenty of posters who don’t agree. Conspiracy theory much?
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Go Kerry! Same here.
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Flat Bears are made from sheep skin so are not safe in a cot for a child or baby less than 2.5 years.
SIDS and Kids do not recommened or endose any sleeping bags, so this is a typo in your book. Plum pay us a fee to use our logo on thier sleeping bags.
Regards Jill
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Hi Jill!
That’s my fault! A typo in the book. Elizabeth recommends ‘flat bear’ teddies. Not Flat Out bears — although FLAT OUT BEARS do meet all international and Australian safety standards for babies and children according to their website. But if you say they are not recommended — I will get it deleted immediately from the book.
As for the Plum Sleeping Bags. I’m a bit confused. If the SIDS and KIDS logo is on the PLUM sleeping bags … doesn’t that mean you endorse them? Or can companies just pay to have a Sids and Kids logo? (But then wouldn’t they have to meet your standards to get the logo?)
Either way, I will take out any reference to SIDS and KIDS endorsing the PLUM bags.
Thanks for your feedback!
Warmest regards
Bec
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Hi Jill and Bec, the FLATOUTbears are tested to reach international safety standards but we always recommend that parents follow the SIDS guidelines. If you have any further questions for us, call us on (02) 9555 6434 or check out http://flatout.com.au/
Hope that helps!!
Thanks Prue and Sarah from FLATOUTbears
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So we see the motherhood very divided on this issue, not many sitting on the fence at all.
I’d like to know from the mothers who have tried methods similar to the ebook – after the three days of “teaching your child to self settle”, do they always sleep through the night forever more? How long does this blissful state last? Do you have to do it again, the teaching that is?
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Mine slept through the night constantly after that. Well, they didn’t need me or anyone else to get them through the night, put it that way. If they woke (we all wake in the night) then they just put themselves back to sleep without me getting up.
When your baby gets sick or anything, all bets are of and you get up to them as much as they need you. But when they’re well again, it’s pretty easy to get straight back into it.
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Precisely – Tried it,
This is my experience. They learn to self-settle – so there is no rocking them for hours on end overnight etc. My sons are 4 and 2 yrs old (about 2 yrs+ after using controlled comforting for each of them). If they are sick I always check on them and even sleep with them. But once better they self-settle. If they call out or cry at other times – I wait few minutes and if not self-settle I go in and check.
I never have let them cry their heads off even when I was using the technique.
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I’m from the attachment parenting side of the fence (just) and I have to say that I think that there is some misunderstanding that attachment parents don’t want/don’t give their children the skills to self settle. The truth is that they very much do, only that their path to that point is more ‘hands on’.
For myself, we were blessed that our daughter is a natural in the sleep department. However, when we have faced challenges (including periods of no sleep day or night for various reasons), we have approached it from a stand point of ‘this is a challenge we will figure out together’. She self settles to the point that most times she doesn’t make a single noise once I put her in her cot for a sleep, and she’s always fully awake at that point. We have made the cot a nice place to be, which has meant an elevated head, a soft toy and when we were first getting her used to the big bed there was a small amount of ‘patting’ to sleep, although in general that’s not something that has worked with her at all.
We also call what we do our ‘rhythm’ (both myself and my husband are professional musicians, so it’s sort of appropriate in more that one way lol) rather than our routine. There are many weeks that we don’t have any identifiable routine (meetings, work, performances, family events etc) but she always gets the sleep she needs because we ‘feel’ what she needs. I have to say that I feel as though I have internalised her circadian rhythm, as well as my own. And when you’re ready for sleep you can get to sleep much more easily than if you miss the sweet spot in your own circadian cycle
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I can be constructive. You won’t like it though.
When your child cries in an intense, desperate way, her bodily arousal system, the autonomic nervous system (which is still maturing after birth), is way out of balance. While they are distressed, the aroused (sympathetic) branch of this system is overactive and the calm and centred (parasympathetic) branch is under actively this means your baby has entered fight or flight mode. High levels of epinephrine are released. Heart rate is raised. BP is raised. Swearing begins. Muscles tense. Breathing becomes rapid. It is our jobs as parents to bring this back into balance. If not, all sorts of problems can become apparent in later life. Asthma, heart disease, eating disorders, poor sleep, anxiety, tension headaches. There is a wealth of sciebtific, accredited research showing these types of effects. Only opinion and anecdotal evidence supports this type of sleep training. One recent survey showed a link between very early life stresses and IBS, worse for boys than girls.
Learn better, know better, do better.
Au revoir.
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That wasn’t so hard, was it?
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I found it a bit tough. I’m an anxiety sufferer – victim of sleep training.
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Curious – What is your evidence that your anxiety is from sleep training? interested to know how you can pin it down to this and not a miriad of other things that can lead to anxiety .
What specific sleep training did your parents use?
This insight would be helpful to many of us mums.
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“increasingly, scientists are linking stress in infancy and childhood to the soaring numbers of people suffering from anxiety and depressive disorders from adolescence onwards. Integral to these disorders is an over sensitive stress system in the brain. (Margot Sunderland, The Science of Parenting. Spend your $20 on that book instead)
Naturally, I can’t confirm that my anxiety is caused from an over sensitive stress system caused through sleep training but I’m certainly not taking that risk with my children. Likewise I can’t confirm which type of sleep training I was tortured with as I don’t speak to my mother – again common with ‘detatched’ parenting methods in adulthood. She did tell me that she would leave me to cry until I fell asleep and I slept 8 hours a night.
Hope that adds some insight.
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Ooor it could be because you obviously decided to blame the woman who gave birth to you for all your life issues “can’t confirm which type of sleep training I was tortured with” OH please!
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I am sorry for your experience. What type of method of sleep training did you have used that you have ended up with anxiety? and when was this done? I still do not find this to be constructive comment . You are incorrect – there are scientific studies on this issue from the controlled comforting side of the debate – not just antectodal evidence. I can counter say there is a lot of antectodal evidence and guilt tripping on the side of those who are anti-controlled comforting.
Your comments again are dangerous to those who may be reading and already feeling guilty and at their wits end. Sure it’s good to have all info – but your comment on your experience is limited as it does not present all the facts on how you have anxiety was a result of sleep training.
Both sides of the arguement should be presented factually.
If you want to debate this issue you should use evidence on both side of the fence and do a proper evidence based analysis.
I can say without an essence of guilt I have used controlled comforting technque under the guidance of a pyschologist and a GP and my 2 sons (4 and 2 yrs old) are thriving and healthy and happy. Don’t guilt mums to believe they are damaging their children if they use appropriate learn to sleep techniques with the support of experienced people. Different methods do work for different people.
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Did I not present facts in my first comment?
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P. Lam (2003) outcomes of infant sleep problems: a longitudinal study of sleep, behavior, and maternal well being
KM Kramer et al. (2003) developmental effects of oxytocin on stress response
D Silove et al. (1996) is early separation anxiety a risk factor for adult panic disorder?
Just a few accredited studies to look up and get you started.
I apologise I you feel I am guilting you, that is not my intention. I’m merely presenting facts, as requested.
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I looked up the first 2 x references. I am sorry to say they are not studies that have actually tested controlled crying technique and it’s supposed negative effects.
Lam et al (2003) Australian study “Outcomes of Infant Sleep Problems: A Longitudinal Study of Sleep,
Behavior, and Maternal Well-Being” – does not infact state that controlled crying is detrimental.
It has some interesting conclusions: “Persistence or recurrence of infant sleep problems in the preschool is common and is associated with slightly higher child behavior problems and maternal depression scores. Results suggest that depressive symptoms are a result rather than cause of sleep problems”.
Kramer et al (2003) is not a study looking into the detrimental effects of controlled crying. It is a lab experiment using rats. They subject baby rats to maternal separation – ie. the presence of no mum/social isolation and then look to see what happens to oxytocin levels and then some of rats were injected with another hormone to see if the stress response could be reduced. This hardly comparable to the human situation and controlled crying technique.
The 3rd paper – states that insecure
early attachments and adverse social circumstances may be associated with adult panic disorder. BUt does not specifically state controlled crying technique as is currently used in 2012 results in insecure early attachment.
I wish you all the best.
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What a beautiful clip. Mia, is that you in the second shot of mama and baby?
I once heard a psychiatrist tell people “insomnia never killed anyone”. Well I think that’s rubbish.
Decision-making is impaired when one is sleep deprived. Accidents are more likely to happen. If you’re gonna be solely responsible for one or several little people all day, you ought to be on your game.
Sleep deprivation kills humour. Certainly in my case. I guess I should only speak for myself but I notice it affects the abilty to enjoy my babies and my relationship with their Dad.
And finally – if you are functioning (or attempting to function) on minimal sleep pleeeease do not get behind the wheel of a car! It is not safe.
Cheers to good, solid, restorative SLEEP.
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Yep, that’s Mia in the second shot and Bec also features towards the end of the clip.
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Well done Mia, I think information sharing is the most important tool available.
My second son woke every hour until he was 16 months old. During these harrowing months he was actually diagnosed with sleep apnoea, following which he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. Once he was given the medical all clear we spent a week at QE2 (The Canberra equivelant of Tressilian). It was a miracle, by the time we left he was sleeping through the night. He is now almost 4, still sleeps through the night and has a 2-3 hour sleep during the day (catching up for lost time!).
For anyone who may think that there may be other issues causing your baby to wake I highly recommend Dr Chris Seeton a sleep specialist in Sydney, he was thoughtful and caring at a time when I was very fragile due to lack of sleep!
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Well done Mia and Bec for helping Elizabeth Sloane to get this e-book out there to desperate mothers!
I have not read this book, nor heard of Elizabeth, but from the comments, I hear that her methods are similar to Tizzie Hall (Save Our Sleep).
I have an 18 month old and Save Our Sleep was my bible. I feel the need to write in to say that all the mothers out there who strongly disagree with Elizabeth’s or other authors of sleep programs methods, obviously do not want to believe that there is an easier way!
Save Our Sleep does NOT advocate leaving your baby to cry for long periods of time. Like many people below have pointed out, her methods (and Elizabeth’s methods) teach your baby to settle themselves to sleep – a skill which babies are not born with! I won’t go into detail about these methods, but they are NOT rigid and cruel, like many people (who haven’t read the book) believe. The best part is that they taught me common sense about feeding, sleeping and eating routines for my baby. Before I read the book my baby used to scream pretty much all day and night. After almost losing my sanity and getting her into a routine (a LOT of hard work and persistence) at 4 months old, she has slept through the night (with a 10pm feed until 8 months old) consistently since then, and is a much happier baby during the day.
So whilst I understand that many mothers do not wish to use a routine – please go and preach your beliefs somewhere else instead of making those despearate mothers who wish to try something new, feel guilty!
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I totally agree. I don’t know this book but I swear by Save Our Sleep. My daughter was sleeping through the night (with a night feed for which she didn’t wake up) from 4 weeks old. I now have a 2 year old who happily goes to bed each night (with the odd exception) no matter where we are or what is going on. It’s about doing what makes sense and helping the babies to feel safe, secure and warm in bed. You don’t have to follow the routines strictly, but you do need to understand the basis of those routines so you can customise them to your own family’s needs.
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Great idea for a book Mia! The more help parents can have teaching babies to sleep the better, I say.
For me, I absolutely loved the advice Robin Barker gives in Baby Love on teaching to sleep. That woman is a hero.
Also, my first born was a terrible sleeper and a friend of ours gave us the baby bible “Silent Nights” by Brian Symon. (google it, he has a great website based on the book with lots of free advice.)
I remember reading about some research from Flinders University a few months ago which showed that babies who had learnt to sleep through some form of controlled crying program actually have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol one month and one year after the program. I reckon its because they are getting enough sleep, are easier to love because they aren’t tired and they have happy well rested parents who do a better job as a result.
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Hi Stephanie
My 1st son was part of the Flinders study -and it helped him become a good sleeper from one who was very poor and saved me from PND. Dr Brian Symon helped me 2 yrs later with my 2nd son as the Flinders study had finished. Lucky I live in Adelaide where Dr Symon works. The researchers at Flinders were actually given a very hard time by the anti-controlled crying lobby.
But I agree with Cat’s comments below – I wish there were more services available to parents, in all states. I tried the Child Youth Health Service local day service -I followed their advice but it did not work for my son’s – they don’t advocate controlled comforting (that was in 2007/2009) and it was only in my desparation that I came across the Flinder’s study and then Dr Symon’s.
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Dear Mia,
I love your website, column and mostly agree with a lot of your opinions about parenting. However I take an issue with this particular post and hopefully can articulate it properly!
I am the mother of two kids, one 4 year old and a 7 month old son who, up until 6 weeks ago, never slept for more than an hour at a time, and needed constant rocking, feeding and patting to get to sleep. Needless to say this was an incredibly difficult few months, and the impact of chronic sleep deprivation rippled through our whole family. My poor daughter had two exhausted, cranky, defeated parents, and our marriage was strained. We don’t live near any family so really struggled with this time.
Having been there before, I started looking at a few books, looking online for tips to help with our constant sleep issues. Before long, I was so far down the rabbit hole of reading about “magic sleep solutions’ and “fix your child’s sleep in 3 days” and endless bits of specific advice “nap to a schedule…don’t nap to a schedule….read babies cries…keep baby in a routine…” to the point where I felt myself teetering on the edge of insanity. In any situation in my life where I’ve been stuck, I turn to the literature to guide me. The issue I have with baby sleep problems is that everyone out there claims to have THE SOLUTION and when you are exhausted it’s very seductive. While I’m sure Elizabeth’s book offers lots of great ideas, wisdom and has great success it is probably very similar to many other books, websites, and current thinking around sleep training. And after reading endless books on the subject, I finished every one with a million questions about my particular situation. Ultimately in this situation, parents need to talk to a real person.
I ended up luckily getting into a local sleep school, and found this to be an amazingly supportive and positive experience. I left with a self settling baby and a whole new energised frame of mind, as well as a great appreciation for our health system that provided this service, including a psychologist, lactation consultant and free meals on hand all FOR FREE.
Now I realise that not everyone has the good fortune to live near a sleep school, and I know that these services are stretched and there certainly isn’t enough of them. I also followed up at home many times by calling the free Maternal and Child Health phone line, once at 3am and found them to be very up to date with ‘controlled comforting” and self settling strategies. The psychologist from the sleep school contacted me a few times to check in (given my rating on the Edinburgh scale to assess for PND was high when I arrived at sleep school, and not surprisingly, low when I left!)
I guess now thinking back on the last few months, I am now frustrated with all the well meaning private professionals claiming to have the ‘answer’. They just sent me further into a spiral of guilt (at not having the money to afford them) and confusion at all the contradictory advice, and panic about having to rush out and get yet another book/email service/ e-pamphlet.
While reading about how to implement sleep training strategies is kind of helpful, as you would know, when you are beyond exhausted you have no reserves left to begin a new regime that might take days as well as a lot of patience.
I think my point (I’m getting there) is that I kind of wish you hadn’t put forth one particular person/book/approach as THE answer. I think it can cause immense panic (I can’t afford her services/I need more personalised information than what is in the book/ have spent hundreds of dollars on books already….)
I would love to see a movement to lobby State government Health services to expand and increase services such as sleep schools, home visiting services, maternal and child health hotlines and clinics. These staff are often the people that go into private practice anyway, and while that is legitimate, it isn’t accessible for everyone.
While at sleep school, most of the other mothers there were first time Mums, and all spoke in depressing terms about how they felt isolated, defeated by exhaustion and unable to enjoy this time. As we all know, this kind of sleep deprivation steals your joy and delight, and puts many women at risk of developing PND. This is a public health issue and the parenting community should lobby as such.
I would love to know your thoughts.
How about it Mamamia? Maybe we could begin an online petition here?
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hi Cat,
thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughful comment. I really understand what you’re saying. The thing is that under no circumstances am I saying this is the ONE answer. All I’m saying is that it was MY answer – and has been an answer for many hundreds of other families.
I think when you’re exhausted and desperate, you search for different things to try. I did. I tried The Contented Baby, I tried SOS, I tried co-sleeping and dream feeds and formula before bed and anything else anyone suggested.
Ultimately, this method worked for me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to share it. Because I believe in it. And I believe in Elizabeth and her approach. It’s as simple and honest as that.
I don’t think that having fewer options for exhausted mothers is the answer. I agree there should be more public support and more free services but the public system is so desperately stretched on every front.
We wanted to provide another option – just an option, it’s not compulsory – for mums who wanted to try it.
I hope that better explains why we’ve chosen this as our first book for Mamamia Publishing. I’m really proud of it.
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Well there are lots of interesting points here from all angles.
I am mother to a 4 year old (great little sleeper now) and a 18 month old who is driving the family to the edge of insanity and over the cliff of despair night after night. I tend more to the attachment parenting brigade naturally, but am willing to give sleep training a go as otherwise I am going to get depressed, and continue to be grumpy and unable to do much during the day.
My toddler really really gets mad at nighttime when mummy doesn’t come and – get this – he honestly doesn’t know how to settle down. He will stand up in his cot crying and sounding very mad and upset – not grizzling, but not hysterical – for ages and ages (Last night I had a bath and listened to him cry for 2.5 hours as beloved papa tried to settle him. In the end he collapsed with exhaustion but then woke up again 45 minutes later ahhhhhhhhhh)
We realise that we need a coach to help us. I feel like I have read so many books now, adn the trouble is I am just too tired.
So we are going to use a NZ based service which seems pretty good. (By the way Australian friends it is a BARGAIN BASEMENT price of only NZ $1000 for 3 nights!! )
I will let you know how it goes.
When my little one started creche 2 moths ago I thought “no way is he going to sleep here!” But he did AND he loves it there. I know there is a small amount of crying there (10 mins max). Now what I found reassuring is how HAPPILY he goes to creche – literally smiling and going into the teachers’ arms. No tears. So I thought, ok, he obviously is not mad or upset with them for anything! This was immensely reassuring.
It is so hard by the time they are 18 months to know what is behavioural and what is developmental/temperament. I am reasonably satisfied that a hugely LOVED child with responsive parents during the day can be helped to sleep better, with methods that include some crying. I have tried some of Elizabeth Pantley’s methods and what I love about her book is that it is LOADED with tips and she is always saying “maybe this one will be helpful, you know best”.
Does anyone have ideas on how to get the little one to sit down in his cot and not stay standing for hours? I have bought and read Elizabeth’s Gift of Sleep Book and she has the ‘tucking them in’ method and gently holding down.
I had the idea of playing “going to bedtime” in the living room. Put a big pretend bed on the floor and practice “now we cuddle teddy”, now we lie down and shut our eyes” “now we are sooo tired and sleep, yay” He understands language so this might help.
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Hi Kate.
My son is the same…the longer he cries the more worked up he gets and could go forever. I used to have to rock him in my arms to sleep before putting him in his cot otherwise it was a no-go. At 12months & 12kg it had to stop!
I dragged the QB mattress into his room on the floor, put everything else in the cot so he couldnt reach it (cd player playing soft music) and would lay with him until he went to sleep. I dont know how i would do this with other children because it would take up to an hr of him ‘getting comfortable’ for him to fall asleep most nights. But after a couple of months we went away for the weekend and i put him in porta cot (same music playing) and he was asleep in 15mins. (maybe we shouldve gone away earlier lol) Came home, put porta cot in his room and used that for a week, and then moved him back into his cot. Sounds like a long process but now he is in his cot, knows what he is supposed to do, and i pat him to sleep in 10mins. Bliss! Bedtimes used to be such a horrible thing to deal with at the end of another sleepless night & long day….i think it made him feel that bedtime was a horrible thing too…whereas now he drags his grobag over to me when he’s ready! (16months) hope this helps
Edit: PS he still isnt sleeping through the night but I feel much less exhausted not having to deal with the bedtime horrors, and getting the evening to myself & hubby.
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Oh, the ‘no I won’t lay down in my cot’! I know it well! After a little experimenting I concluded that in the case of my 13 month old, it was that she wasn’t tired enough!!! She suddenly went from having exactly the right amount of day time sleep to too much and too late in the day (without anything changing from our stand point). I’m still fine tuning, but fair to say that yesterday she had just 40 minutes day sleep and was sweet for sleep at 7pm. Hope you get some relief soon!
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I havent read all the comments below as there are far too many to read… I will just say that I had Elizabeth come and give my child the gift of sleep and it was the best thing I could have ever done.
My child was an awful sleeper, couldn’t settle herself day or night and no matter what I did she would just keep screaming. After getting up five times a night for 12 months I couldnt take it anymore. I got Elizabeth to come for two nights and she changed our lives forever.
Elizabeths technique was only about making sure my child was safe and feeling loved, whilst also teaching her how to sleep on her own. I trusted Elizabeth’s method and it worked.
After two nights Elizabeth said “I am pretty sure your daughter will sleep through in a night or two”, thanks to her we didnt have to wait. The next night my daughter settled herself and slept for 11hours straight and has ever since. And even when she is sick or wakes at night, she knows how to put herself back to sleep.
Elizabeth helped not only my daughter learn to sleep, but helped saved me from breaking point and my marriage! My daughter is a thousand times happier as she now gets the sleep she needs.
We wouldnt even be considering having another child 2 years on if it wasnt for her.
For all those desperate mothers out there, this book will be the best thing you could ever buy.
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As someone who has 6 years experience working with children in various settings, and 2 years of childrens services training, I really cannot see any problem with implementing techniques such as ‘controlled comforting’ in order to save the sanity of parents and keep the family unit healthy and intact. Kids are a beautiful blessing, and it is hard to enjoy all those special and irreplacable times when you are barely functioning. Children cry. Babies grizzle. It is ok for this to happen. I personally (and I am saying this from experience) can’t abide by helicopter parents who smother their babies and children and don’t allow them to build healthy coping mechanisms alone. Going to a baby when they are distressed is one thing, but not being able to keep some distance when they are having a little whinge is not only silly, it can be highly detrimental. From my experience, I can say that often times these babies and children are the ones who suffer hugely from seperation anxiety when it comes time for day-care/ kindy/ school (this isn’t to say all children with chronic seperation anxiety are like this as a result of attachment parenting, for some unlucky parents it is just bad luck).
This is just my opinion, from my personal experience, and as many others have said, to each his own! If you are happy, your family is happy and bubs is happy, do whatever works! Much love!
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For every parent who is horrified by sleep training, there is one who is horrified by bed-sharing. Same goes for formula feeding and extended Breastfeeding. There are so many ways to parent your child, mothers can disagree until they are blue in the face, but it ain’t gonna help anyone. Just support and love each other and be educated about the choices you make.
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I have just read through the first 60 pages of “The Gift of Sleep” I am feeling really positive. I am a Mum of four boys, and I still am left wondering what the hell I am doing, and how do I “fix” bad sleeping issues. My number one child ( now 16) did not sleep through until he was about 3, number 2 ( now 4) was a dream, he slept through from 6 weeks and has not looked back. I would love to take credit, but he just was a sleeper. Number 3 ( now 2), we battled with and still do and our latest 7mths, is currently pushing me to the edge. I am angry at myself for not being able to work this out and my levels of patience are not existant, but I have other considerations now, like keeping everyone else asleep. I have puchased another book on creating a dream baby, but at nearly 800 pages, I simply don’t have the time to read it. With that, I was plesently surprised that “The Gift of Sleep” was only 120 pages and I am already half way through it. I have made lots of notes and will definately be preparing to start the program in the next week or so. Thanks so much Mia, I remember reading about your experience with Elizabeth in Cosmo Maternity a few years ago, am glad that you have taken the step of making it available to the people.
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FInally! SOmeone who has actually READ the book before passing comment. How refreshing. Bravo Mamamia for this initiative. Mothers need help in all sorts of ways. This book might do the trick for some of us.
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I just thought you may be interested in information from the UK site ISIS. ISIS is a collaboration between Durham University Parent-Infant Sleep Lab, La Leche League, NCT, and UNICEF UK Baby Friendly Initiative, funded by a grant from the ESRC (Economic and Social Research Council).
This website is about normal infant sleep. They use ‘normal’ to mean ‘what is biologically expected for humans’.
Below is a quote from their section on sleep training. “There is a dearth of information relating to negative outcomes associated with sleep training, however such consequences may include effects on breastfeeding, increase in SIDS risk, and alteration in aspects of infant circadian and neurophysiological development and parent-infant relationships.”
“…babies who undergo sleep training via extinction (any form of controlled crying/comforting) may be learning to ‘give up’ rather than to ‘settle’ — outwardly the two behaviours appear the same, but inwardly the babies physiology is very different.” It is important that desperate parents understand not only the desired effects of sleep training, but also the negative consequences.
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And yet the Australian government website The Raising Children Network has this (written for them by the Community Child Health, Royal Childrens’ Hospital in Melbourne)
Is controlled comforting harmful?
Despite concerns about potential harms to the baby, no studies published in peer-reviewed journals have shown any psychological or physical harm from using controlled comforting (or other behaviour management techniques described on this site). In fact, recent research has shown that babies who have undergone controlled comforting are more likely to sleep better in the short-term, and are as well adjusted as their peers in terms of behaviour and sleep in the long-term. A recent study also found that parents who used these techniques with their babies reported fewer symptoms of depression in both the short and long term than parents who didn’t.
Here’s the link http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/controlled_comforting.html
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I think there is a big difference between letting a baby cry uncontrollably by themselves, and going in and out of a room at very regular intervals, being sensitive to the tone of the cry and providing reasssurance through touch, comforting words and calming presence. I think sometimes we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing our children to learn to self-settle. I have been running into my child’s room every two hours the moment he wakes for over a year now and I have to say, I don’t it has ‘worked’ for us – although I appreciate that it works for other families. For my first child we went to sleep school at 11 months and she started self-settling and sleeping through. I can genuinely say it was controlled comforting – she was never allowed to cry hysterically – it was a gentle and sensitive approach. For my second, I was so worried about him and not waking the rest of the family, I haven’t allowed him to learn how to self-settle and i think for us – it isn’t working. I’m exhausted – my baby hasn’t magically learned to sleep more than two hours – and his older sibling has very fatigued and often intolerant parents. I’ll definitely download the book and see if I can get some pointers. As numerous people have said below, it isn’t just about the well-being and safety of the baby – the whole family needs to be care for and taken into the equation. To all the sleep deprived mamas (and papa’s out there) solidarity!
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I used hands on controlled comforting for one of my babies at 9 months. She was not left alone at all and after a few nights was able to self settle. I’ve read the studies that suggest raised levels of cortisol will damage your children, as well ascontrolled comforting/crying causing poor attachment and actually feel that they’re guilt inducing. I’d much rather see a mum use controlled comforting properly and both of them sleep well, than mum and bub be constantly tired, cranky, bad tempered etc.
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I remember going to bed each night feeling sick because I knew it would be another torturous night of sleep ahead. I wish I knew about Elizabeth when my kids were babies. I took advice from my baby health centre and Tressilian and kept to a routine and similar settling techniques and that did help a lot.
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I don’t necessarily want to comment on the book or technique being offered. I think the best thing Elizabeth says is families need to do what’s right for them.
What I would like to point out is that I think a lot of mothers diagnosed with milder forms of PND are actually acutely sleep deprived to the point of exhaustion.
Wouldn’t it be ideal if your GP or health nurse saw you reaching this point, you could be offered a place where, one night each week for the next month you were offered care for your baby, so you could sleep and not worry about getting up in 3 hours then soothing for another 2? Of course, mum and dad should be nearby in a sound proof room. Mum should be available to feed if bub is on the breast.
I’ve long thought this and if I’m ever in a position, I’ll do it. I can’t help thinking a good night’s sleep would enhance a mum’s natural intuition and give mum’s the energy to tend more quickly to bub’s.
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I have actually done this on several occasions with friends with new babies. I have babysat while they take a long bath and/or a long sleep, uninterrupted by said baby. The gratitude is overwhelming for such a simple thing. Sleep deprivation is a well known form of torture with associated memory loss and loss of functionality but we expect our new parents to continue to function at maximum despite only getting 2 hours sleep a night!!
I think that as a society we are so disconnected and distant from our families that we also don’t enjoy the benefits of having extended family around us.
When my sister in law had her first baby in Amman (Jordan), she was surrounded by all her sisters and sisters in law that looked after her and the baby for several months! In fact, if it wasn’t for breast feeding, she probably wouldn’t have even got to hold her new daughter there were so many hands available!
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I’d like to make two points, both of which have been touched on a little below.
First, let me say that I write as the parent of a 7 year old, who was a pretty good sleeper from his earliest days, and a 3 year old, who only recently started sleeping through the night. I also have postgraduate qualifications in psychology and cognitive science, and very thoroughly explored research around sleep and sleep training, especially before and after the birth of my 3 year old. Finally, I was very fortunate to have Dr Howard Chilton (mentioned below) as our paediatrician.
Before parents embark on sleep training regimes and/or pay money to sleep experts I think it is critical to remember that babies come to us with quite different temperaments and that whereas some babies may cope reasonably well with controlled crying methods (even though these techniques are not recommended by major mental health organisations, as referred to below), for other babies it may not work no matter how expert or committed the person implementing it. It may lead to days, weeks or even months of an increasingly distressing cycle of sleep training, flood their developing brains with stress hormones, and damage the attachment with their parents. I’m thinking here of babies referred to as high needs or spirited.
Many experts write about these kinds of babies. They are extremely needy and high strung. They don’t grizzle. They scream as if their skin is being stripped off them! I know. My daughter, now 3, was one such baby. Her neediness around sleep was part of a broader picture of her general neediness. For instance, she wanted to be on me constantly; she detested car seats, prams, other people; she craved the closeness of being carried and of breastfeeding; she wanted to be attached to me 24 hours a day and it distressed her to be apart. Was I expecting this? No, she was completely different to her older brother. Was I exhausted? Yes! Was I smothered by her? Yes! Did I sleep train her? No. Dr Chilton (amongst others) and my own reading, lead me to the strong view that controlled crying/comforting would be a major mistake for her. She now settles to sleep really well, sleeps through most nights, has a firm attachment to us, is a happy and healthy little girl (but note, she needs a good hour or so less of sleep in every 24 hours than my son who started sleeping through of his own accord at 4 months). Did it cost me to get to this stage with her? Yes! I returned to work when she was 12 months old and she was still waking multiple times a night. I wasn’t trying to be a martyr. I just reminded myself that I was the adult and she was the small child dependent on me.
Second point: as someone else mentioned below, as a parent considering using these kinds of techniques, you have to keep in mind that it might not be only 3 days until “sleeping success”, whatever that might turn out to be. It might be more than 3 nights for your particular child. And it might be not just 3 nights this week but 3 nights after a bout of illness, or new teeth, or a holiday etc etc etc. As another poster so eloquently said, sleep for kids is a journey up and down and if you find your particular strategy distressing the first time you implement it (as I did when I used controlled crying on my first born son), consider how you’ll feel using it repeatedly over the longer term (because you can’t just keep changing the rules, right?)
My theory on parenting is as follows: these are my children and I get to raise them as I wish, as do you. So chose the method that suits you and your family best. Some people will want to tell you that your child “should” be sleeping in a particular way by a particular time. If you’re doing okay, if you’ve chosen a path, ignore them. You know your child best. But if you get the chance, read up about infant sleep. Little kids just do not sleep the way adults do and there is huge variation amongst healthy infants. For instance, my daughter is perfectly happy and healthy on an hour or so less sleep than the average for her age group. But that’s what makes an average; kids who sleep a lot less and kids who sleep a lot more (like my son). I truly believe that some expectations for infant sleep are unreasonable.
For the record, for the journey with my daughter to safe and secure sleep, I turned often to the books, webpages, workshops and phone consultations offered by Pinky McKay, Elizabeth Panteley, and Dr William Sears.
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Sleep deprivation causes the majority of car crashes. So this whole attitude of “suck it up, you’re the parent & you’re supposed to be tired” is not just ridiculous – it’s putting your child in harm’s way.
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So did I say “suck it up”? Did I say “do nothing?” No and no. I said ” be informed”. I said “be aware of a variety of possible consequences” and the balance of costs and benefits. And for the record, I hardly drove that first year because my daughter hated the car. And I didn’t just suck it up. I reached out for expert help that I was comfortable with and that I could condone. I know exactly what people are going through, I lived it. And I made a choice about how to parent my child. So how is that ridiculous?
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And there’s a reason why in some countries, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!!!
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Bravo – well said Amandamac
Go Pinky, Go EP and Go Dr Sears!
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Amanda, my story is almost exactly the same as your (and Dr Chilton was our paed too). My son was a pretty good sleeper and still is – my daughter (now 3) wasn’t and still isn’t. Like your daughter she wanted to be carried, breast fed and generally be as close to me as possible almost all of the time.
I just tried to get as much sleep as I could as often as I could. Personally I just couldn’t do control crying. I was referred by my GP to the sleep clinic in Sydney, however they were surprised how long she could cry for without falling asleep (hours and hours). In the end I just couldn’t bare it and went back to following my instincts.
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Jac Qld, I hope your daughter has turned the corner! Mine has and life is much easier. The thing that used to drive me insane was, not that she woke so much and we were sleep deprived, but that people couldn’t understand that she might have her own particular needs and that I was honouring those. I’m not necessarily philosophically opposed to controlled crying. As I said above, I leave every parent to parent their child as they wish. But I was 100% against using it for my daughter. It was not the right solution. And I got sick of hearing that I should let her cry or close the door or go to Tresillian. All good strategies for some babies, perhaps, but not for mine. Like your daughter, she could scream and scream when she wanted to; so loud in fact that I have lost some hearing in my left ear! So why ever would I want to leave her in that state even for a minute. She never did a wind down cry. Just screamed. Today she sleeps 100 times better but is still a pretty intense, spirited child. She is amazing; funny, bright, verbal, intensely attached to each of us. I credit some of that to the fact that I kept my promise to her when it cost me to do so. That was my “gift of sleep”.
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Amanda – we have sort of turned a corner. She doesn’t wake us during the night anymore; she simply walks down stairs and gets into bed with us. Like your child, she is bright, very eloquent, affectionate and attached to both my husband and I (and her brother).
I had always said that there was NO WAY I would ever co-sleep and would judge parents (in my head) when I heard that they did it before I had children. Once you have your own you do what works for you and your children. For me it was giving up on her going into her own cot, having her close to me in bed and demand feeding. (Now that I have heard the risks of co-sleeping with young babies I am thankful that we were ok).
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Glad to hear it Jac! My daughter also wakes up maybe once, not every night, but often. This morning at 4.30am and I just brought her into bed with me and she slept until 7.30am. Perfect! I too co-slept and breastfeed her from a newborn but followed all of the guidelines about safe co-sleeping. I bought and wasted: a co-sleeper sidecar cot, a normal cot, a bassinet, a toddler bed. She wouldn’t have a bar of any of them but finally agreed to sleep in a “big girl’s bed”. Like you, I just decided to keep doing what works. Good luck for more sleep!
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Yes, well said. Everyone needs to do what’s right for their own family, but i found in my deepest sleep deprivation a lot of the desperateness, feelings of failure was that everything i was doing (including trying cc) wasnt working – so what was i doing wrong?? And how would i ever get this kid to sleep??
I felt much better when I realised it had nothing to do with ME, my baby isnt just ‘a baby’ as in a generic thing, he’s an individual needier person and that i didnt actually have to do anything except take care of him and get through this and he will eventually sleep when he is ready. (Co-sleeping some nights helped me get more sleep)
It sounds so logical yet when u are sleep deprived & reading every ‘manual’ to no avail, u forget that he wont still be waking every hour for the rest of his life unless you teach him not to.
I think Amandamac is just trying to say there are other options rather than feeling like sleep training is the only way, and for some kids it just doesnt work!
Also, when people i know have told me they left their baby cry for an hour til it went to sleep, to me it sounds quite distressing because i know how horribly upset MY babies cries are….but in reality their cries may just be a whingy wind-down cry. I dont know. So I think it is a matter of perception too – i dont judge people for how they are coping because their household, family, work situation & child are all different.
I guess my point is to tired mums feeling like they have to do something like this even though they dont want to, that u dont have to…it wasnt until much hunting on the net that i found Pinky, who i got over for a consultation to give me tips on surviving.
Still waiting to get a full nights sleep but doing it our way, which works for us. Good luck in ur search for sleep x
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Thank you! Yes! It’s easy to attribute the lack of sleep to things you are doing wrong (as making “parenting mistakes”), especially in the middle of the night. If my daughter, who was a poor sleeper, had of been my first rather than my second child I definitely would have blamed myself a great deal more. But pretty much everything that I did with him for sleep, I did with her, except I promised myself that I would help her to self-settle more. But she arrived with a different agenda. Everything about her was totally different to my son, including sleep. I finally realised that this was just her temperament, not my parenting failure. In fact, I realised that it was my job to accept the child I was given, not to wish for a different one, and to parent for her personality, not according to some rules or routines for a generic baby. So, as you say, every baby is different and you have to find the approach that fits your particular baby.
I remember sitting in the wonderful Dr Chilton’s office when my daughter was around 7 months and telling him my sad story of horrible sleep and general freak-outed-ness with this child who needed me constantly; I asked him about sleep training. He looked at me with such empathy and concern and told me that for some babies such strategies are totally wrong and I knew in my heart that mine was one such baby. I’m not trying to preach a particular message about attachment parenting or co-sleeping or anything (although I have practised both). I’m just saying, as you clearly did also, that our babies are individuals and sometimes a book or a stranger who comes to our house for an hour or 3 nights is not going to know what is best for them. I know that doesn’t make things easier. I lived it not being easier. But, as they say, “this too shall pass”.
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This is my child! From birth she was highly-strung. She is now a very bright, intelligent two year old with a very intense personality. Classic high-needs infant. We went with the flow with her and didn’t sleep train until 17 months or so, and then there was no crying. Even now if we let her cry too long it will turn into hysterics. Very stressful.
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you see what i find yet as usual with these ‘baby whisperers’ like Elizabeth is they loosely use the terms child, for example your article above refers to “She also feels that making a child dependent on their mum or dad to get to sleep isn’t fair on the child.” a 6month old is not a child it is an infant it has different needs to a ‘child’ also she ‘feels’ so she doesn’t actually know or understand latest research or does she? that yes parental presence is part of helping a baby get to sleep because they do not yet have in their brain capacity the ability to just fall asleep, this is the biggest myth of confused, sleep deprived western parenting!!!
What is not often widely known is that sleep training like this is a cultural made up system, born out of the industrial revolution 200 yrs ago when both parents started to work long hours, up until then co-sleeping was what humans were doing BUT infants and babies and toddlers brains have not changed since then so the appearance of them falling asleep via methods like CIO, CC etc etc give the parent the false impression that baby has settled themselves which hey in some cases they may just do naturally however in many cases and the science shows it is the part of their brain which has simply shut down, they have given up babies HAVE NEVER BIOLOGICALLY been designed to be independent sleepers they are meant to be close to their parents this wires their brains for life, babies don’t really have sleep problems their parents expectations do and this is the ongoing conflict in our western parenting style, we want them independent asap, from sleeping thru from week 8, to solids, to wean them off the breast asap, don’t give them too many cuddles they will get ‘spoilt’, to ignore them when they have a tantrum, to shame them and punish them, it all reeks of lack of understanding of how young humans and in 2012 we do have the information which challenges all this BUT that’s up to you to inform yourselves and know the difference rather than follow societies expectations you never know we just might have a more connected society if we just stopped and saw it from their perspective for 5minutes!
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My sister in law had a situation where her daughter would only ever sleep in her arms. THat’s it. No other place. Not the cot. Not the basinette. Not even next to her in bed. She would sleep in my SIL’s arms.
It caused an ENORMOUS amount of stress in their family.
So I’m sorry but I agree with Elizabeth. Making a child dependent on you to get to sleep is not healthy. I will not be repeating that mistake when i have children.
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Sharon welcome to evolution. Our diets have changed. Our sleep habits. Our family structures. Our homes. Our environment.
I really struggle with the idea of doing things the way they were done 200 years ago, when the context has changed, the family has changed.
I make my decisions on what is right for my family on hte here and now. And am grateful to have a heater in the babies room, the option to top up with sterile and safe formula etc.
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Yet, parenting is one of the most humbling experiences you can ever have and while you might not make this “mistake” and have been thinking how silly your SIL was, there will be other things you end up doing which you never ever thought you would in a million years….anyhow
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I tried a settling technique with my first child similar to Elizabeth’s method. I felt at the time that it was different enough to controlled crying to make it ok. I would never do it again. The second time around I got up to my baby every time she cried, and used much gentler methods to encourage her to sleep, but I never left her to cry for even a few minutes. Yes it was harder, much much harder than with my first child but I don’t regret it and looking back I wish do much that I had done the same thing with my first child.
The difference between the two children is significant enough that I now believe that any type of controlled crying/settling technique is not a great idea. I understand that some people get desperate but I would hope there would be other support for them and other resources they could use before trying this sort of method.
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I have four children and was on my attachment parenting high horse with the first one, who was a great sleeper. My second child never slept more then 40 minutes at a time until his 1st birthday when I called a Sleep Consultant who practised controlled crying. Prior to this point I had tried every gentle sleep method I could find but all failed. Within 24 hours of starting controlled crying my son was settling to sleep with a story, a kiss and cuddle and no tears!
Now on my fourth baby I don’t advocate any particular style or method. Our 3 youngest still come into our bed some nights but because this isn’t disruptive we are fine with it. If it becomes a problem we will deal with it.
Do what works for you and your child at that point in time and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it.
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Hi moderator,
Earlier today I made another comment which is now gone- also another poster made a comment immediately after me responding to my comment- this has also disapperared. What I’d happening to all these missing comments? Is the debate being skewed in preference to the selling-a-book lobby?
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Toddler mum, you have made so many comments under so many different names and that is why your comments were deleted. It was requested earlier in the day that you stick to one name . You failed to do that and by so doing you skewed the argument yourself. It is for this reason your comments were deleted
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wow what an accusation!
I made three comments with the same name: toddler mum. one of those comments was a correction for a bad spelling mistake as i was typing on a phone.
my partner made a comment from the same phone as he is a healthcare professional but this was not even printed.
unbelievable, i guess this will be deleted too.
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What frustrates me about the article regarding sleep whisperer Elizabeth is the amount she charges tired, exhausted, vulnerable mothers. As I read in the Herald Sun today, Elizabeth charges $3600 for 3 nights. This is outrageous, and robs mothers & families of money they may not have, but are willing to do anything for a good nights sleep. I know this as I was a mother who dealt with a sleepless child for nearly 2 years. I went to sleep schools after being on waiting lists as I could not afford a sleep “expert” to come into our house, but if I could have scraped the money together I would have paid. Let me tell you they all teach the same principles. And it’s easy to read books, and attend sleep schools, but to have someone beside you, helping, guiding & supporting you through those 3 nights of hell whilst trying to get your child to sleep would be invaluable. I developed PND, partly due to my sleep deprivation, so having the strength to do it by yourself can be almost impossible for a lot of mothers. I cannot understand the fees this woman is charging. It is using mothers emotions to make money, which is very disappointing.
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Hi Amanda
Elizabeth leaves her own family to work with other families every week. She works from 6pm to 6am – 12 hours straight through the night for three nights in a row and hence charges $100 per hour.
Frankly, if I was going to do night-shift like that, I would charge the same. For the record, Elizabeth has also spent years doing (and continuing to do) free programs for families in need.
I should also add this is the whole reason we have done the book for $19.95 … so families EVERYWHERE can afford it. Also, Elizabeth offer email consultations for $50. I think that’s entirely reasonable. But yes, if you want her to stay up all night with your child for three full nights — that’s $100 per hour.
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I understand what you are saying, and the article I read today did not mention she did free seminars. But you are missing my point, this is a lot of money, an amount most could not afford, and even though she has released a book for $19.95, which I’m sure is very helpful for some, it is the support that many mothers need in order to tackle those 3 nights.
I suppose what makes me frustrated is that only a minority of mothers are able to get this type of help. Yes she does spend nights away from her family, and I give her credit for that, but this her job, and I suppose she can charge whatever she wants. But I still feel that there people out their willing to make money through vulnerable mothers.
And to anonymous, I never said she had to provide a service for free, all I would like is that these type of services be accessible to a wider a range of mothers & families.
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Yep. Totally agree Amanda. And I’d have to check with Elizabeth but I think she did at one stage (not sure if she does now) work with either a government or church program that had her going out to families in crisis. But yes — there is a huge need out there. Would be good to see more government services for new parents and parents in general who are struggling.
Thanks for your comment!
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Totally agree Bec, I only hope that there will be more affordable services like the one Elizabeth offers for desperate mums sometime soon. If only the government would realise how big an issue this has become.
Thanks again.
Amanda
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Hey Amanda – I totally agree that mothers need affordable help. Which is why I think the idea of a book is cool. Elizabeth could have saved all her ‘secrets’ for those who could afford her but she chose to help more mothers who need it. I wish I’d been able to buy this when my kids weren’t sleeping. It nearly caused my husband and I to split up – that’s how much strain our family was under.
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The government does and provides help in the form of child health. They have residential centres for sleep and other parenting issues. Yes, there are waiting lists, but they’re there.
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Hi Bec I just wanted to note here that shift workers of all kinds, nurses, doctors, truck drivers, miners and many other professions leave their families and work through the night for a lot longer stretches and a lot less money than this.
Many people will never have this kind of money in their bank accounts at any given time.
To say that the ‘sacrifice’ Elizabeth is making in being away from her family and staying awake during the night is worth it is kind of missing the point. I think the original comment on this was getting at the elitism of the situation and you didn’t really respond to that point.
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Excellent point Anonymouse! And one that has plagued me overnight.
Bec, I know plenty of nurses, policemen, doctors, firies, and other professions who leave their families to work crazy hours, often coming across pretty nasty things in the line of their work.
Should they too get paid $100 per hour? Or is their sacrifice not great enough to warrant unions requesting better staffing ratios and pay increases?
Personally, if I’m spending my 2am caring for a deceased patient, or cleaning poop out of a bed, or getting verbally abused and bled on, I’d love $100 per hour instead of the award wage that nurses get!
That said, we all choose our professions and choose to do what we do not for the money, but for the opportunity to help people and make a difference in lives.
No one wants to work for free or undervalue their service, but if people have a genuine comittment to helping others then the dollar value of their service should not be the priority, and it should be affordable for all!
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Hi Yael
Elizabeth offers email consultations for just $50 for families. I think that’s entirely reasonable and affordable!! And, as I said, earlier she does a lot of volunteer work in her community.
For the families who pay her to come to their homes, she also does UNLIMITED follow ups over phone and email.
The great news is she’s written the whole program down and we’re selling it for $19.95. So EVERYONE can access it
Thanks for your comment!
PS I come from a family of nurses (including my mum!) — so I do fully understand the sacrifices made by many people who work night shift. It’s full on!
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How on earth is she robbing people of money? Should she spend 3 nights away from her family living in your home for free because you are at risk of PND? Or should she offer that service to people who choose it and have a $20 option for people who would like to read her book?
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I thought the $80 I spent on the groclock was outrageous. $80 for a clock. But the little sun comes up at a time I set it for and Red Rocket now gets out of bed at 7 after reading from whenever she wakes up (6 – 645).
There are many days I’d pay $80 A DAY for that bloody clock.
Sleep deprivation is dangerous, causes marriage breakdowns, car accidents and in my experience a lot of yelling. Everybody (except those who apparently love getting up half a dozen times a night for years on end) wants the sleep and the help to get there. There are very few people who do what Elizabeth does, hence the market dictates the price.
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Wait – did I miss the part where it said it was compulsory to buy this book? You don’t have a problem with getting up to your baby through the night then good for you. Whatever floats your boat.
$20 is what I would spend on a lipstick.
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Why is it anyone’s business what Elizabeth charges? Nowhere is her home program being spruiked on Mamamia or by Mia. From what I can see, tired mothers are being done a huge favour by being given a $3600 program for less than $20.
How can you complain about that?
Come on. I think there are some very tired and grumpy people commenting on this post! lol
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A lot of people seem outraged at the idea that a parent wanting 8 hours sleep is a selfish and horrible thing. I think that is a sanctimonious attitude regardless, but nobody seems to mention the gift of sleep for the CHILD.
I see a lot of babies in particular who clearly aren’t getting enough sleep. They don’t play, they are permanently irritable, they are hard to settle to sleep and then you find out they have been up for three hours and they are four months old. Or they are one and get 8 hours sleep a night in three broken lots. Its not enough. Babies and small children need an enormous amount of sleep for good development and to be happy, for some parents it seems they’d prefer the path of least resistance than doing what our job is – what is best for our kids.
However you go about it, gifting decent blocks of your sleep to your babies is good FOR THEM as well as you. I don’t buy the claims of the pious that getting up to their kids half a dozen times a night, leaving them sleeping in 1.5 hour increments makes them superior parents to mine sleeping 12 hours.
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What she said.
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The guilt feelings stopped me from doing anything about my first child’s broken sleep. I felt selfish for needing and wanting a nights sleep. But i wasnt doing him any favours. He still wasn’t sleeping through at 4 years old!
And he was exhausted. I was determined to do it differently the 2nd and 3rd times.
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Mia, I understand your point, but there are much more gentler ways, a CIO approach is not needed. See Elizabeth Pantley, Pinky McKay and Dr Sears.
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These gentler approaches may not work for all types of parents or all types of babies. Why do you think some parents turn to comfort crying as the last resort??
Just as Comfort crying may not be for everyone and nor does it work for all children (eg those with high needs; Autism spectrum disorders; medical conditions/reflux etc) – but it does for others.
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I think the most important part of all of these stories, is not the particular method of getting your baby to sleep they are peddling, but the fact we are not prepared for what is expected of us as parents. Some babies sleep, but it seems that the majority do not conform to an adults sleep pattern. How about instead of trying to sell ever more theories on the concept, some reality about the situation could be shared. The stories shared by various parents are great and show how diverse a situation it is. Could we all please support other parents to use gentle methods with themselves and their babies by offering to help care for the baby when mum needs a sleep perhaps? Rather than feeling guilt about the way you chose to get your baby to sleep, feel guilt for not offering that struggling mother down the road your support, or feel guilt for not asking for help when you really needed it.
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Hey Ronnie21,
Really interesting point. I think for me, the truth is that I needed someone to tell me exactly what to do. When you haven’t slept in months and months – gentle support just didn’t cut it for me. I had loads of that but my daughter (and then my son) was still waking up to 8 times every night.
I felt like I was going crazy. I just couldn’t function.
So I DID need very specific instructions and a program and help. This worked for me. I respect that it may not work for everyone but it literally changed my life and when I discover something so good, I want to share it.
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I feel very sad that society has changed in a way that allowed you to get to that point Mia. Whilst i do not agree at with Elizabeth’s methods at all due to the neurochemical effects it has, i do not see what other options mothers in this society have. Especially when it is the mothers that are still expected in the majority of cases to care for children, there is an extreme lack of community support for mothers with young children, an emphasis that you can only contribute to society through work and not child rearing, and that due to globalisation extended families are living further and further apart and are less able to help mothers with their children.
Whilst I do not agree with these methods, I dont have an answer to help solve the issues that lead to this, and therefore think that if this is what is needed to prevent mothers from suffering post natal depression, extreme exhaustion causing accidents or reduced attachment to the child, then that is what needs to be done.
I implore everyone reading this website to look at how they can make their local communities more child friendly, and provide more support to mothers with young children, as if I ever have children, i can only imagine the positive difference that having that community support would make.
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I agree with your comment that it is hard for new mothers to distinguish the type of cry. I had no idea with my first. Now that I have a frame of reference I do know when my second is grizzling versus distressed and I also realise that my first didn’t even have a grizzle: the cry went from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds flat! No wonder techniques like patting in the crib were not working – you need to catch a baby at the grizzly stage for that to work I think.
As a general rule I think that if the cry is upsetting you, it is upsetting the baby.
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We don’t have an e-reader. Will the e-book work on a smart phone or a computer? I would love to buy this e-book for my daughter-in-law, who hasn’t slept all night for 11 months. Will the technique work with a baby that old?
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Yes it will work on a smartphone, computer or ipad. And Elizabeth says that is one of the most common ages she works with – around 1.
And you can buy the book as a gift. All the instructions for that are on the website:
http://www.thegiftofsleep.com.au/
You’re a lovely mother-in-law…
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Just a gentle reminder that in many children, separation anxiety peaks at around 12 months, so that is something to consider before going down this path. I spent many nights around this age sleeping on a mattress on my daughter’s floor – it let me get some sleep and met her needs of having mum close by.
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Bought the book. Starting tonight. THANK YOU.
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I have a lots of thoughts/anecdotes on the issues being debated below – probably because I have a 3month old at the moment!
I hate hearing my babies cry, and will never use a technique that involves leaving them uncomforted while they cry (not that I’m saying this book advocates that – it seems it does not).
However, with both my babies I found that very few ‘hands-on’ techniques worked: rocking, bouncing, cuddling, patting etc just seemed to make them angrier when they were crying. Feeding to sleep never worked – I think because I just have SO MUCH MILK!!! They ended up in even worse a state, vomiting up milk and in pain if I tried to feed them when they were not actually hungry. Although they would never turn down a breastfeed! So… what do you do when you have NOTHING that works? I turned to a dummy: both times it changed my life. My babies love to suck! They both started drifting easily off to sleep with a few sucks of the dummy.
I really didn’t want to go down the dummy path again because of how hard it is to get rid of them, but I also didn’t know what else to do without leaving my baby to cry, so I did.
What Mia said above about getting up 9 times a night to put the dummy back in has never happened to me but with both children I always assume (while they are babies) that if they wake at night that they are hungry so I always feed them & they usually then sleep longer before they wake up for their next feed. I find putting the dummy in at night only lasts a short time & they’ll be awake again still wanting milk – in my case.
I do worry about whether there are any bad long term effects of dummy use (other than orthodontic e.g. creating an oral fixation) but have no idea if there is any research out there?
On to my next point though: the problem I have with people offering miracle ‘sleep solutions’ is that with many children, sleep is not an issue that is solved once and for all. Children seem to go through so many different developmental phases which affect their ability to sleep/settle between birth and 4/5/15(?!?!). Sleep/going to bed will be good, then bad, then average, then fabulous, then bad again all within the space of a year. We know that – even if we put in all this effort to get yet another new good routine going that is suitable for their age, it could all be ruined tomorrow by a holiday, a new baby, a developmental shift, a new bed or just something we cannot explain. And next time the same method of resolving it may not work. I don’t know where I’m going with this…
Edit to add: I would like to note that “shhh-ing” is not necessarily a harsh technique. My youngest seems to love a long slow gentle “shhhhh” – I understand it is white noise to them, not someone telling them to “be quiet”
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While i appreciate her “20 years of experience”, I am interested to find out what Elizabeth’s qualifications are. Can anyone point me in the right direction?
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Just wanted to point out Kerry2 that the approach is for babies aged 6 months and older, I would hope that by that time most parents would have some instinct as to when their baby is grizzling vs distressed crying!
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Oh my lord, the martyrdom in some of the comments below is depressing. Why is there the assumption that because the baby (seemingly) wants to do something then it automatically must be good for them? My 9 month old nephew would eat nothing but chocolate ice cream all day every day if he could, but it ain’t gonna happen.
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The attachment parenting brigade exhaust me with their zealous approach. If you can’t function without sleep and your baby can’t either, do what you need to do – in a kind, controlled way – to help your family.
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Thanks Toto. I don’t have kids yet (though am obviously thinking about it or I wouldn’t be reading posts like this) and there’s one thing that keeps striking me about the way parenthood is written about today. Namely, that if you’re not suffering, then you must be doing something wrong.
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Absolutely agree with Sharon below. This is an issue close to my heart too. My son slept “through the night” until 8-9 months old then walking started and his sleep became erratic. So I know what sleep deprivation feels like.
We know know what a flood of cortisol does to the child’s developing brain. And yes five minutes of a baby crying causes a major release of this stress hormone. All nerve connections are affected. This does not cause your child to behave differently now or tomorrow but when they’re older. it causes the self regulation and reward systems to not grow as well as they could. This could mean your child may not be able to sit still in class and over eat/drink etc when older. Why do mothers now care about fish oil for your anus rain growth (plenty of ads on tv right now) but are happy to mess with brain development in such a cruel way. Perhaps it feels safer when a nurse endorses it? Has she done any reading recently or is her education on the topic from fifteenyears ago?
I alsO agree with the poster below that we are pushing children to sleep for OUR convenience when they are physically not able. Perhaps some people are not ready to be parents, likethe detached man swearing on the shopping centre in an article a few days ago. Is that too muchof a stretch? Swearing at a child and letting other distressed when all they we’d a cuddle. Would you let a child cry like this in the daytime?
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You know how when you’re on a plane and in the safety demonstration they tell parents to secure their own mask before helping their child?
The point of that is to reinforce that the survival of the child depends on the parent being ok.
I believe its the same with sleep. When I was waking to my children 2-10 times a night, I was not able to function well as a human let alone as a mother.
Please don’t try to make other mums feel guilty for taking the right decision for their whole family. That’s what I – and thousands of others – have done with this program and our families and babies have benefitted enormously from it. Kids need sleep. So do babies. It really is a gift.
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KK,
I have used Elizabeth. And let me tell you — if I had to work leave my own family and work from 6pm to 6am (12 hours!) for three nights in a row working with other people’s chidden — I would charge the same.
And there is just as much research into the damage caused to children’s brains by waking frequently at night because they have become dependent on their parents for sleep. If a mum is shattered from getting up frequently at night … how on earth do you think the child feels? Seriously.
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If your child was in the room with you, they would not need to wake fully. Mine doesn’t, therefore he technically has 12 hours sleep a night. I work fulltime (60 hours a week) so I know what sleep deprivation feels like. Children are not “dependent” on their parents for sleep, they are relying on their parents to parent!
The point is, if you want to sleep, don’t have a baby. Treat your baby how you would like to be treated. I am pretty sure I don’t want to be ignored when I am old one day as its inconvenient for my child
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I don’t blame the parents Mia. I blame the people pushing these unacceptable cruel methods on desperate and vulnerable parents!!! Yes, parents need to be o.k. to look after there children. But these controlled crying methods are not the way. They may work (well in 70% of the time it seems), but at what cost??
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Linda – please be careful with your words. “unacceptable cruel methods” is entirely inaccurate not to mention insulting.
By all means choose your own approach but until you have read our book, please save your slander.
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You say ‘our convenience’ (presumably meaning the parents’ convenience) like it’s bad thing.
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Okay. I just bought the book.
It repeatedly says (to the point of annoyance) — not to let your baby cry if they are in distress. It’s about protest crying that babies do. Not about babies screaming in despair.
Will this program work – I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m so tired of this kind of internet hysterics.
Toddler mum … you may like to READ the book before getting hysterical!!!
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Just another book like all the others that endorses abandonment and the unrealistic expectation of getting babies to sleep thru the night before they are biologically ready….also no understanding of babies brains and how they grow…i so agree with below to sit waivering at your babies door telling it to shh when it has genuine needs is the epitome of detached parenting and we wonder why we have toddler having major tantrums parents who cannot connect with them…don’t disconnect with them in the first place with techniques like this!!!! Read the latest on neuroscience in Margot Sunderland’s(Head of Childrens Mental Health UK) book The Science of Parenting, the wonderful Dr Howard Chilton told me to get this book – it wakes western parents up big time to their lack of informed understanding on babies and toddlers!
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Could you please stick to one name for your comments, it keeps the debate you’re having a fair one. Thanks!
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