Yes, I’m reading The Slap right now. If you haven’t read it, it’s an Australian best-selling novel about the repercussions amongst a group of friends when one of them slaps another one’s child at a BBQ. Now, the ABC are making it into a TV series. I’m looking forward to that big time. So when this email pinged into my inbox, I thought it was timely to post.
M writes:
He was standing in the middle of the incident watching it unfold and didn’t intervene until my son pushed the door (neither of the kids was innocent in what went on). He then preceded to scream at my son how stupid he was. I was sitting about 10 metres away with another 4 girlfriends and we were all gob-smacked.
I didn’t say anything and have been boiling inside ever since. I’ve drafted an email to tell him how upset I am at what happened but I’m so nervous to send it (I am such a non-confrontational person!!). If I don’t tell him how upset I am I’ll never be able to get over it. I’d love to hear what you and your readers think about telling off other people’s kids, especially when the parent is there to intervene.
I’d love to pose a topic for discussion. Where do you sit on the topic of other people telling off your kids?
Gosh, where do I sit? Never happened to me so I’m not sure. Obviously a big no to the hitting part. I’m not a hitter. And among my group of friends, I find we’re far harder on our own children than each other’s when we’re together. Maybe my friends and I have similar approaches to discipline and values so it’s not an issue?
Actually, wait. Many years ago I did have a situation where someone I knew told off one of my children for accidentally spilling something on the table when we were there for dinner. I was furious and left. It was an accident and he was way out of line to shout or snap or whatever it was he did. Later, he admitted as much and apologised.
My child was mortified at first but quickly got over it. Me? Not so quickly. It took me a long time to forgive that person.
Have you had any experiences or do you have any thoughts you’d like to share on this VERY contentious subject?
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First of all I have to say that I cannot believe that this book has been shortlisted for the Booker. It had typos throughout the book for God's sake. I didn't feel it was particularly well written either. But moving on from my opinion of the book -
Well I am a teacher and so I guess am quite comfortable guiding children in how to behave appropriately. I don't think it is acceptable to scream or shout at a child, especially if what they do is accidental.
I think it is ok to explain things to them in a calm and rational way. For example once I had a mum and her kid over to play. I had a little ceramic elephant on my dining table, which she proceeded to clutch and hit against the table over and over. After giving the mother quite a few moments to intervene and seeing that she was not going to do anything. I calmly said: "how about we put that away so that it doesn't get broken and we can find some more exciting things to play with?" Situation solved without having to go nuts - even though I was seething at the mother inside.
My policy with my own son is not to get angry if things are an accident. We all make mistakes and when they do they usually know it and feel terrible.
I agree that it is never acceptable to "chastise" a kid, but it is fair enough to guide them calmly and help them understand limits if they are out of hand. Yelling at a kid that is not your own is a definite no no.
It is never acceptable to chastise a child who isn't yours. The parent needs to be called over into the discussion.