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Imagine for a moment a person who has grown up in a family where they only ever had pet dogs. Their friends and neighbours had pet dogs… all different breeds, colours and temperaments, but still, fundamentally…. dogs. They all went to the dog park together every afternoon and always had a raucously good time. They had never, ever, ever seen a cat. Not once.
Then one day they stumble upon an adorable looking creature that is cute, furry, has a black wet nose, four paws and whiskers and for all intents and purposes, looks exactly like the type of friendly, willing to please dog they had known and loved all their lives. Its tail is waving to and fro in what is perceived to be a welcoming gesture so they go over, ruffle up its soft fur and attempt to roll it over to scratch its belly, anticipating their affectionate gesture will be delightfully received. Only it’s not a dog, it’s a cat, and their interaction is interpreted very differently. Lets just say, fur will fly… and it will fly furiously.
Welcome to the world of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. A solitary cat, surviving in a room full of boisterous dogs. Its every move being analysed, interpreted and modified based on the framework of rules, behavioural patterns and ingrained habits of the canine species. And as a result, being disastrously misunderstood.
Dogs wag their tails as a sign of happiness and anticipation of social interaction. Cats swish their tails as a warning to back off and give them much needed space. Dogs always welcome affection in whatever way it is offered to them. Cats will also offer heartfelt affection but it needs to on their terms, at a time that suits them. Sometimes they just need to be left alone. Dogs depend on your approval for their emotional wellbeing. Cats depend on certain things being in place in a routine that they can depend on, and will then reward your reliability with their unwavering friendship.
Dogs are inherently social. They are pack animals with deeply entrenched hierarchical rules of canine society and as a result are desperately eager to please, and occasionally challenge, the pack leader. As puppies, they will romp and play delightedly with their litter mates until they fall into an exhausted, but happy heap on top of each other at the end of the day. They rarely turn down an offer of affection and will warmly greet their family with furry hugs and sloppy kisses when they get home.
On the surface, cats may seem more aloof, but cat lovers around the world will be quick to tell you they are always keenly observing every detail and will reward those who take the time to understand them with warmth, affection, loyalty and love. Dogs are less discriminating in whom they shower with their boundless love, and this is part of their universal appeal, but it is a trait that cats simply don’t understand … or tolerate. Their love needs to be earned.
Dogs enthusiastically learn new tricks and are keen to show them off to gain further approval. Cats have extraordinary agility and mysterious extra-sensory skills… but will only display them when the circumstances dictate they are necessary. They need to be coaxed out and encouraged or will remain hidden forever.
Cats may not always look you in the eye, but they can see straight into your soul and will quietly commune with you while you process the problems of your world. Dogs will sense your unhappiness but may not fully understand it, so will entice you to capture some of their perpetual joy by grabbing their lead and making you take them for a walk to cheer you up. Their destination may be the same … but their journey could not be more different.
If you whistle for a cat to come to you, try to wrangle a leash onto its collar, drag it outside for a walk and hope it will thank you for letting it romp around the dog park …then you are both doomed to crumple in a heap of confused despair. Simply said, cats are wired differently to dogs. They are not better or worse. Just different.
So if you want to understand my child with Asperger’s Syndrome, try to think of her as a cat in a room full of dogs, and you will be a lot closer to coaxing out her unique gifts, helping her understand social behavior that she may otherwise find bewildering, and maybe in time her gorgeous, eager to please peers will gain a greater appreciation of the grace, beauty and uniqueness that bestows her, just like her feline doppelgänger.
The writer of this post has chosen to remain anonymous to protect the identity of her daughter.
How do you react when you see a child “misbehaving” in public? Do you automatically judge the child’s parenting skills or do you stop to consider whether the child may have a hidden disability?
Comments
128 Comments so far
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It’s amazing how judgmental people can be. When my boy had his first earth shattering, soul crumbling meltdown pre-diagnosis I cleared a parent room at a local shopping centre. All except for a dad whose twins managed to sleep through it all. He gave me a big smile a wink and said ‘we’ve all been there, don’t worry’. That comment pulled me back from totally losing it. A kind, understanding word or gesture can make all the difference.
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Thank you. I can so relate to this post as the Mother of a recently diagnosed 10 year old boy with Aspergers. I had heard about the Cats and Aspergers but had not yet read it. It fits my beautiful boy to a tee. And the school that he loved so much in his early years, has now become a place (at playtime) where kids physically hurt and taunt him. He just doesn’t understand. It’s very much a work-in-progress with his school (and his life) on how we best manage this. Information though is gold and I’m fast learning so much that reinforces what I always knew — my son is a fantastic, amazing and special boy. I wouldn’t change him fo ranything.
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I can relate to this too, esp. as a mid 40s aspie who didn’t get diagnosed till a few years ago. Unfortunately no one ever “coaxed” me, they just told me I was bad and weird… wonder what life could have been if I hadn’t spent it thinking that there was something terribly wrong with me.
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As a recently diagnosed adult with Aspergers I can certainly relate. Even though I generally say the world is full of idiots, the cat analogy makes a lot of sense. I wonder if this is why I’m a cat person and am able to work best with aspie kids and similar.
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There is a book out now that I would like to read called, “The Journal of Best Practices” – david finch
The author’s memior of his Aspergers and marriage.
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Fantastic Article. Yes like some comments, there are some things that aren’t perfect but the analogy is probably the closest you can get. Well written. Thanks
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I loved this article, having a son with Autism, it hit and emotional heart string, I also hope a lot of people read this and understand that not all children playing up in public are naughty, they are just in a situation they can’t cope with.
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So so true and so simply put.May I also add it takes a parent with a big heart to manage the life of a child with aspergers ,it can be very isolating.It is a big calling ,heartbreaking at times.But they are worth the battle.
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I’ve suffered from bullying my entire life because I have undiagnosed aspergers. It wasn’t just the other children in school that picked on me either. I was bullied by teachers, and often got in trouble because my body language was seen to be “angry” or “aggressive” simply because I was folding my arms cause I was more comfortable that way, or because I wasn’t smiling, because I only smile when something actually makes me happy. Then was the bullying at home. My mother became very abusive towards me because I did not like to be touched or show affection towards people the way my sister did.
Unfortunately, as is with a large percentage of Asperger’s children, nothing was ever suspected because I did well in school, particularly at maths in my early years, and I also excelled in sport and music.
It was only later in life, since I’ve left school that I’ve searched for the answer myself. Simply, because I still get treated badly for no apparent reason, and although I’m friendly towards everyone I meet, they still find a reason to dislike me, and I’ve lost jobs because of it.
I’ve looked through all the possible disorders that fit my symptoms, and Asperger’s Disorder is the stand out amongst those.
Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to find a doctor even willing to assess an adult for the disorder, and the ones that might have impossibly long waiting lists and cost far more than I can afford. So, I remain undiagnosed, and until I have that piece of paper with a label on it, people will continue to treat me badly. It shouldn’t be that way, but it seems people are only willing to be understanding of somebody with a disorder if they have an official diagnosis. I thought being a good person meant being understanding of people regardless. But hey, my brain is wired differently to theirs so I must be wrong.
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I’m with you. I was only diagnosed in October last year. I rarely show facial expressions, I fold my arms for comfort and I’ll go further and I rarely get excited about anything. I do enjoy things and look forward to things, I just don’t express it.
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A really wonderful article, well thought out, and it will bring comfort to many. But to all those out there with children or partners who think they have diagnosed them with Asperger’s, beware. Asperger’s Syndrome (or Disorder) is extremely rare – about 36 in every 10,000 identified with a neurological dysfunction. Poor communication skills and an inability to empathise in adults does not mean Aspergers, and the same with children. Recently, several patients of mine starting mentioning Asperger’s as a means of “explaining” the actions, sometimes abusive, of their partners. Like any neuro-functional disorder these are not behavioural disorders – they are somatic diseases with no known curative programs and as such can only be managed. Labelling a child, or an adult, incorrectly can be even more damaging than misdiagnosis or non-diagnosis. Labels stick, for ever. I highly recommend this article http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/7/4/310.full for a more thorough and detailed understanding of Asperger’s and its diagnosis.
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Thank you so much for this article, fantastic description of Asperergers!! I have a 21yr old daughter with High functioning Autism and a 16yr old son with Asperger Syndrome and they are the joy of my life. They get so sick of being treated like they are stupid and just want to be treated as the terrific young people they are who just happen to be wired a bit differently. They have so much to offer the world!
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thanks for this article, my son has Asperger’s and this is quite a perfect description, I hope heaps of people read this, might lead to a bit of understanding out there in the wider community.
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Have you ever considered a psychiatric service dog for your child? It is amazing what they can do. Plus having a dog in a service dog vest will let strangers know your child needs special consideration. I find strangers are more understanding and less judgemental when they realize an individual has a disability. Granted, a service dog is not right for every situation, if your child is afraid of dogs, then it wouldn’t work. Just a thought.
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wow.
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I love this article, thank you very much for sharing it and giving more people a greater understanding of people with Asperger’s.
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Thanks for the share! As someone with a few Aspie friends/family and a partner with ADD, I’m constantly on the lookout for ways to be more understanding and easier ways to describe it, particularly ways that are less likely to inspire judgement.
One piece I’ve found really useful is the video of Temple Grandin at TED Talks, presenting on how her autism and her determination to do something useful have made her an expert in her field – designing non-spooky cattle runs. Her comments on educating children who are on the autism spectrum are very interesting, too.
http://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds.html
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Tony Attwood is the guru of Aspergers in both adults and children. His book “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” is fantatic. he has also done a Podcast interview with Richard Fidler which is a great listen. My son was Aspergers diagnosed last year and we have found this man a very big source of information. He is based in Brisbane and also runs courses at Hearts and Minds for children and Adults. apologies if someone has already mentioned this info!
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Yes! I’m so chipper that you wrote this.
I come from a family that suffers from mental diseases, of which Asperger’s is one. My little cousin has it, and so does my mother. Unfortunately, I only found out about both this year (I am 23). I really wish I’d known earlier on as it would have prevented A LOT of arguments. My mother doesn’t always (read: usually) interpret what people say correctly, which can lead to a lot of frustration. Similarly, my cousin, in addition to being a hormonal teenage boy, is in the same boat. Many a time I’ve had to explain to him that a 16-year-old will not be allowed into a bar with me, and he’s incensed as to why I think that way. He really does help me see the world from a different point of view though.
He also told me that apparently 50% of Asperger’s cases go undiagnosed? Not sure how accurate that figure is…
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Sorry, but Asperger’s is not a ‘mental disease’, it’s a neurological disorder.
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Asperger’s and autism are not mental illnesses, they are neurological disorders.
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Many adults with Asperger’s don’t consider it a neurological ‘disorder’ either – they consider it a neurological ‘difference’.
Labels can be useful because they help us understand difference and provide well needed help, support and understanding – but I wonder if the labels we use sometimes can be a little too strong and somewhat damaging and counterproductive.
I would like to suggest a metaphor also – not quite as cute as cats and dogs – which I think very helpfully illustrates how confusion can arise when two neurologically *different* people interpret signals in their own distinct ways – yet perhaps helpful in illustrating difference yet also recognising that in fact that we are all still the same species and have some pretty fundamental commonalities too. We are all part of the human tribe.
And that is of bees (or ants). In the ant hive there are (at least) the soldier ants, the foragers, and of course only the one queen. Just because most ants are foragers doesn’t mean the soldier ants have a ‘disorder’ – it just means they may not make very good foragers. Neither does the Queen have a disorder even though there is only one of her (and she probably couldn’t forage even if her life depended on it)
I think it is important to remember that some of the distinct differences found in Asperger’s people gives them a lot of advantageous attributes also – and it is possible that they evolved to take their place in the human tribe because their distinct set of skills and abilities may have provided enough valuable contributions to the tribe, to be selected for.
It always amazes me in the human sciences when I see a dogmatic drawing up of a normal curve around the most commonly found genetic expression of a human being. We evolved to our current form after milenia of random, mutation after mutation within a pool of genetic diversity and with hugely complex dynamics – and all of a sudden someone wants to pick out the somewhat arbitrary, currently most frequently expressed genotype and hold up it up as the end product of human evolution! and call any mutation away from it a *disorder*.
I think that this constant over-pathologising of people’s being and person-hood is damaging and unhelpful. The same support and assistance for the difficulties that Asperger type people experience could be given on the basis of difference, whilst highlighting their unique strengths and contributions and place in the tribe – fostering a much deeper value and respect in society for natural and healthy difference that goes well beyond ethnicity, sexuality and gender.
There is no ‘blue print’ for being a human being.
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Wow Mabol. This is beautifully articulated and so incredibly insightful, not just about Asperger’s but about our cultural values generally. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Mabol… I could not agree with you more… That’s actually the first time I have seen or heard someone articulate my exact thoughts on Aspy- Autism etc etc… It’s evolution, baby!
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Mabol… I could not agree with you more… That’s actually the first time I have seen or heard someone articulate my exact thoughts on Aspy- Autism etc etc… It’s evolution, baby!
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I was diagnosed with Asperger’s in my teens, and while I don’t fully get the whole cats and dogs metaphor going on here, I certainly appreciate the discussion about it.
I suggest you all read the book “Look Me in the Eye.”
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A friend’s son and my nephew have Aspergers. It is part of the Austistic spectrum and people with the syndrome can have mild ‘symptoms’ through to Autistic. It is very broad. I don’t know about the cat and dog analogy but it is difficult for any parents when your child is not what you expect of them and they behave a bit (or alot) differently to other children.
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I guess what the author is trying to get at is that whilst most of the world (the dogs) abides by one set of social rules and behaviours, those with asperger’s (the cats) follow another. Perhaps ‘follow’ isn’t the correct term, as clearly it’s an unconscious thing, but the way they behave and interpret social situations is very, very different.
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What Camilla has said is correct but the cat/dog thing is spot on. Cats are more aloof, often don’t like to be touched and aren’t so concerned about how other people feel. Sure they might like a soft lap, but that is usually because it’s comfortable, not because they want to be affectionate with you necessarily. Cats are very particular about food and they like the same thing every day, they don’t like changes. Ring any bells?
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I hate to be negative but I think the analogy is completely wrong. Animal communication is simple. Human communication is complex. We get all the rules – it’s just that aspies apply them literally. I think I’m probably an undiagnosed aspie but my son is diagnosed and I feel like I’m an interpreter between 2 cultures, not 2 distinct species. And the implication is also that people with ASD will ‘get’ each other. Sadly this is not the case – they seldom get on. I tried getting a group together and it was like an explosion of aggro/emotion and hightened sensory/stimming type behaviour. If only it were as simple as suggested. Sorry, I got so excited and wanted to love it but it’s not my experience at all.
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I hear what you are saying. One good thing about the book, which is great for children, is that it promotes an understanding of difference and an acceptance which in itself is a good thing. I remember hearing Tony Attwood say something about a cat being an autistic dog. While we all laughed, it did make sense. I wish you all the best with your son. One final thought but tongue in cheek…when have you ever seen a group of cats socialising and getting on..i think it is great that you attempted the group.
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Ha! I have always loved the cat/dog analogy. It’s indeed sort of like being a cat in awkward dog disguise , having been adopted by dog parents, most of the time (although I think my father was a cat
) and trying to wave your tail in the exact motion dogs achieve when you are happy, when your whole being senses that wagging your tail this way is going to put you in a bad mood….but you need to be understood, so you force yourself.
I like articles like this, I love seeing that neurotypicals are not completely oblivious and trying to understand our differences and difficulties!!
/awkward tail wave
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The single greatest, and saddest irony with some neurotypicals is their inability to put themselves in the shoes of others. Some people here such as Kate have really moved me with their compassion. It is also true that children (without any additional information) are often instinctively better at it than their parents, who should know better. I agree with the commenter who said what’s [their] excuse? Exactly- I’ve been there, out in public trying to stem my child’s meltdown when a stranger walked by and rolled her eyes at us!
Each person with Asperger’s is an individual, who happens to share certain traits of a condition, with varying presentations, capabilities and needs. This can be one of the reasons families choose to keep their privacy- as well as the fact that the child concerned deserves to learn about themselves in a respectful and time appropriate way.
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This is fantastic.
My cousin has Aspergers Syndrome, although through what I think is a cruel action, he only found out two years ago at age 27. Not that he was only diagnosed two years ago, but was only told by his parents that long ago. Since then, he has been having a bit of an identity crisis, as you can imagine. While it has explained to him a lot of his lack of outward emotion and his confusion in social situations, things that have always upset him as he didnt know why he reacted differently than everyone else, it has also rocked his vision of himself.
I LOVE the analogy of a cat in a room full of dogs, and I think I will send this to him to read, as you have said in the most beautiful way the things I have been trying to tell him for years.
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My uncle has aspergers, only when he was a child it didn’t yet have a name and my grandparents were ostracised for not being able to control their son. As a result, he didn’t get any of the help or support he needed to function as an adult. And, sadly, they gave up trying as he was too difficult to take out so Gran didn’t get the support she needed either.
Thank you for your expressive article and for raising awareness.
In terms of judging others, no one really knows what is happening in other people’s lives – live and let live my gran would say.
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I would recommend the article The Geek Syndrome in Wired Magazine (Wired 9.12, just type Geek Syndrome into Google). I am the grandmother of a beautiful little girl with autism spectrum disorder and I found the article very inspiring as spoke to the many scientific and technological discoveries that were made possible by people “on the spectrum”. Microsoft is one of the few American organizations that provide therapies for kids on the spectrum within their healthcare plan. There is a spike in the number of diagnoses of children with autism and aspergers in Silicon Valley. I also agree with the analogy of cats and dogs. We have been lucky not to be the recipients of too many stares and nasty comments, but we find people do not have much knowledge of autism and aspergers and seem to say “but she looks normal” and ask if our little person is like Rainman! I would urge the author of this article to take every opportunity to educate the people around her and her daughter about aspergers and I am praying that her daughter has not had the traumas with education that we have had. I am glad to see an article about this on Mamamia and would remind everyone that 1 in 160 children are diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.
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This is both amazinly well written and insightful. as part of my education degree I have to do a 12 minute presentation on a disability, the one I was assigned was ASpergers.
I am finding it amazing how little effort people put into looking past what is different and give each child the best opportunity to participate without hinderance.
Well done for bringing such an important insight to this issue. keep fighting for the rights of your daughter.
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I love the analogy here of cats and dogs. We don’t have any aspergers in our family, but we’ve always said that I am more cat-like, and my husband dog-like.
I try not to judge when I see a child misbehaving in public. I’m more likely to think “thank goodness that’s not me today”. Sometimes I see stuff and question the methods – but the thing is, you don’t know what happened earlier that morning, or – indeed – if there’s something much bigger going on.
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What a beautiful comment to end on….
‘How do you react when you see a child “misbehaving” in public? Do you automatically judge the child’s parenting skills or do you stop to consider whether the child may have a hidden disability?’
We have a lovely child on the spectrum and we’re always being judged as bad parents. We’re not and the judgement is exhausting.
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Right there with you, my son also has asperger’s (and adhd) and even my mother who raised me doesn’t understand that he’s not “acting stupid” or “being retarded” (god i hate those expressions) and that remarks like this to someone who is doing the best he can to behave properly are very damaging to the self esteem…..
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My 15 yo son has Aspergers and I am soooo proud of the way he copes with life. He just wants to be included and to increase his circle of friends. He is my hero.
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Another great book is ‘All cats have Aspergers’. I can’t remember the author, but it is illustrated with pictures of cats and talks about the personality traits cats have – such as not liking physical contact, etc. It’s a great book for kids. There’s also one called ‘All dogs have ADHD’
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I really needed the dog one years ago…..My son has ADHD and life has been quite tumultuous with it. He stopped medication as a 16 year old because he wanted to be seen as more normal. He is far more successful than we ever thought he would be. We still see signs of it, but now it is a matter of him adapting his life as a young man to it. We feel he’ll really hit his stride within the next few years.
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What a lovely written article.
This is a tad off subject, but here goes…..
My son is 9 weeks old and had a stroke at birth, we have been told that this may affect his mobility on the left side of his body. The stroke affected his hand, arm and leg, so far we have not seen any slowing, but this may change.
One positive from this is that we have become much more aware of people with disabilities, it has made us more tollerant and compassionate.
I too can not find much information on adults that had strokes as babies, what they were diagnosed and what side effects they ended up having.
I mean no disrespect for going off topic just wanted to use this as a base to seeing if anyone else has been in our situation.
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Hi there. This is something that can happen, usually to premature babies. When one side is affected it is called hemiplegia which is a kind of cerebral palsy. Don’t worry too much as it can be barely noticeable for some people and with help and advice from paediatric physios and other early intervention personnel, there are simple strategies that can help. There is always the chance that it may be more severe but if you don’t notice anything, then that is a good sign. Good luck.
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Hi Anon,
Congratulations on your baby boy! How lovely and special for you and your family.
It may help to look for information on hemiplegia in children now, but as uptightoutasight said he may or may not have noticeable difficulties. You may not know the effects until he is a little bit older.
A stroke can leave one side of the body with weakness and can affect movement and control of upper and lower limbs- to varying degrees. When an adult has a stroke they need to re-learn certain daily living tasks depending on how they were affected. To do that they have to practice a lot. It’s like the messages from the nerves get disrupted on their way to the muscles and the desired movement may not be as smooth or co-ordinated or as strong. The messages might have been disrupted on that pathway but new pathways can be made.
A child that has a hemiplegia (one side not as strong as the other) may experience difficulty with tasks that require two hands e.g. crawling, grasping toys. They may prefer to just use their stronger hand. The good thing is that early intervention can harness the brain plasticity to help reduce known effects of a stroke and to prevent any possible secondary effects. Even though you don’t know what the full effects may be, early intervention is important because, I think, from 6-8 months after term the brain is most plastic (able to learn many new things). From what I have read on this topic, consistent practice can provide the best outcomes. The strategies can be simple but finding the right information will help you to make choices.
I hope that is not too much information. It’s difficult because on the one hand you want as much information as you can to make choices and on the other you don’t quite know what you will be dealing with. You can ask your doctor for a referral to an early intervention program. I wish you the very best
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My daughter had a stroke at birth as well. It was severe and she was given a 20% chance of survival. She made it, but was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at four months of age. After two years of intensive therapy, nearly all at home by me once I was instructed by therapists, she was left with only a neuropathy in her right leg and foot and a few intermittent digestion problems. I figured if a therapist could hope for 50% improvement by working with her for a half hour three times a week, I could hope for 100% improvement by working with her an extra hour or two seven days a week. As one side was more affected than the other, there were some specifics to prevent her preferred side from strengthening while the other one weakened. To this day, I make her practice hopping on the weaker foot, balance exercises, etc.; the only difference is that at 5.5, it has to be as a game. She is now in kindergarten and, while she doesn’t like to wear shoes and has a very strong, stubborn personality, she is at age-level in pretty much everything. Keep attuned to your baby and be as involved as you can in his therapy. If there is no slowing, I doubt there will be in the future and I expect you’ll only see improvement. Best of luck!
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Not me but a friends little girl had a similar episode at birth. She is 5 now and doing really well. She has great language and memory but does need assistance with mobility. She also has vision issues. Can’t stress enough how vital it is to get involved in early intervention. We started at an early intervention play group at 6m but made the connections much earlier. Good luck!
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So beautifully written. Such a concise, yet perfectly articulated analogy of Asperger’s Syndrome and other Autism Spectrum Disorders.
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After having our daughter tested for Asperger’s, learning all about it and trying to understand it – no, I am not so quick to judge anymore.
This is a beautifully written piece and the best analogy I’ve read. Congratulations to the author, so well done.
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My partner and his daughter both have Aspergers and it is always good to see some information out there increasing the awareness of the disorder. We have chosen not to let anyone else know of the diagnosis as my partner feels that it can stereotype them and, in particular, label his daughter as being “a problem”. I wasn’t sure about this, but after some thought and observance of her school, I think it was a good decision.
A friend who also has a son with Aspergers told me that they experience a sensory overload, which is the best description I have heard. My partner is obviously very articulate and he tells me it is very difficult to block out unnecessary noises or touches (he absolutely hates woollen clothes because of how they feel). Yes, he is a little particular (hates having his morning routine interrupted) and doesn’t suffer social inanity well, but he is also highly intelligent, gentle, caring and incredibly loyal. I love him very much. His daughter has been tricky to get to know, but after a couple of years of sensitive handling, she has come to accept me and get guidance on social situations when she needs it (and we all know that the politics of primary school girls are pretty tough, let alone when you are an Aspie). Yes, she is a little challenging, especially with difficult social situations, but we work through it each time, and she learns a little more. I have learnt lots about being calm and non-judgemental as both of them are incredibly stubborn and punishments, or ‘consequences’ never work … the only way forward is calm explanations and logic, believe me.
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I am a woman now, I have asperger’s syndrome too, and I remember school as a long observation period, I decided in the second year of high school that I knew enough to try it out, and started “acting”. I became very popular and all the unwanted attention it generated quickly made me reconsider, i also discovered that all these popular girls i had envied all these years were completely dumb, and that i didn’t want them following me around talking about hair all day.
But it was an interresting experiment. All this off topic to say: don’t worry if her social interactions are lacking, she will catch up, most aspie girls do…..She may enjoy it or not, keep it up or not, but she will get “it”.
I didn’t find “it” all that amazing and went back to being invisible and left in peace, but that’s just me :p
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So true. People with Asperger’s have normal intelligence – that is one of the criteria. Social skills can be taught and learned. Shadowing a child can help, and prompting them to respond appropriately when they are very young. When older , a person learns that they are supposed to ask things like “how are you?” even when they aren’t the least bit interested!
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Thing is, you can learn it, but you can also give it up if there is no reward attached to it. Not wanting to compare myself to a rat, but really, there is no discernable incentive to social chit chat, if one true friendship emerges from a thousand of random inane “weather talks”, i don’t consider it enough to keep doing it, and I don’t
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That makes sense. Some people want to appear to fit in more than others. Also, I’m wondering if you are more likely to be able to establish relationships more easily if you can “fake’ the initial stuff.
It must be useful for situations where it does matter, like applying for a job, establishing goodwill etc. Same as looking someone in the eye. I know you know where they are, but it’s necessary at times . I don’t have Asperger’s but know many people who do and have worked in the field so am cautious about sounding like I am telling you, who must know so much more than me. I’m just curious. I can see it is pointless, when you have no interest in such things but as I know several married people with Asp S., I sometimes think about the difficulties. I guess if you get to that stage you have enough understanding of how each other “ticks”. You may be short on empathy but not on caring etc. Hope this doesn’t make you feel like a “rat”. I know you are an individual
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yes of course it is easier if you can fake it, I’ve succeeded at times, i am even married (to a very silent and non clingy man lol) , I do have a kind of empathy, as in, if someone is obviously in pain, will feel terrible for them, but the reaction is not as it should be , I would HATE for someone to invade my personal space when i’m hurt, so i do the same, give them space until the pain receedes, and appear heartless.
Looking people in the eye is just embarassing, it feels “sexual” in a way, very very private, and when i maintain eye contact with a man for too long I get ….uncomfortable, let’s say. That makes it hard to apply for jobs indeed ^^
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Clarinette, I really relate to your posts! Im socially peculiar/awkward, and have been all of my life (I think). Im 45 now. I know how to do ‘normal’ but really cant be bothered as it is pretty hard work and much of it just seems inane. I hate parties as Im completely crap at mingling and usually just end up alone with my drink. People find me very intense as I dont do small talk, I just go straight for the really interesting stuff. Im deeply curious (a bit obsessive) about certain aspects of science and I often find myself confronted with a glassy eyed fixed smile from someone who has found themselves in a conversation with me. Its a special kind of person who attempts a friendship with me, so I have very few, but I think those few find the experience rewarding enough. Im not lonely and enjoy my solitude and my books and my animals. I ponder stuff a lot. I consider myself more intelligent than average in some areas, average in others, and I am quite talented in some areas. To some extent I choose to be how I am – I do know how to behave like other people but its a conscious effort for me, and I have mixed success even when I try. Im happy enough with my peculiarity.
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Same…I prefer an interesting friendship with an interesting person , and if they can deal with me speaking about very private matters out of the blue on a first encounter or other social “blunders”, I deem them as open minded as I am, thus interesting :p my very few friends are awesome!
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All the articles on asperger’s and autism seems to be on children, even on medical sites. Where is the info for adults? It seems if you’re not diagnosed as a child then you’re unlikely to get any help for the rest of your life.
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This is so true. Even with the increases in funding for children diagnosed with autism in the last few years, if you don’t get diagnosed by a certain age, you (and your carers) don’t qualify for any help at all.
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I totally agree with you Laura, I cannot find hardly any information on diagnosing adults with Asberger’s. I strongly believe my husband suffers from it and we are having a very hard time getting it diagnosed. He has an extremely hard time socially and just in everyday tasks because he does not know what is wrong with him. I have done my own research for many many hours and ruled out many things before I found out about Asbergers. I only wish there was more information available in Australia for adults.
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Agree 100 per cent..
My Father has Aspergers. He was diagnosed in his late 50′s… His whole life it was seen as depression/ anxiety/ just being a bit of an odd bod.
I’ve tried so hard to find info but it is very child-focussed. I find him incredibly draining and occaisionally hurtful. If I could find out more, I think I would cease to feel rejected over and over again…
*sigh*
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go to Autism Spectrum Australia (also for adults)
http://www.autismspectrum.org.au
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I have seen some allied health research on adolescent and adult populations in recent years but this information is not readily available to the public. The closest resource that I have found that describes information about adults with a spectrum disorder is chapter 9 of ‘Social Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman.
This lack of information and support is a very serious problem as many people struggle and suffer without knowing what is going on and then what resources are available??
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There are some really good books available for adults with Asperger’s or HFA (and some not so good). A good recent one which explains the neurological differences well and offers positive practical guidance is “Living Well on the Spectrum” by Valerie Gaus.
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Well done! My son is Aspergers and I cannot tell you how many commented to me when he was young that all he needs is a good smack! He is a gorgeous little boy who brings laughter, loads of love, puzzlement, challenges, anger, frustration, heartache and the true belief that I have been given a precious gift.
I believe that he came into my life to teach me that the world is an amazing place and that not all is what it seems. He challenges me to look at things in other ways that what I normally look at them. He sees everyone as his best friend (don’t let me start on the homeless man he met) and is absolutely confounded when someone is mean to him (thankfully not too often) and has a total recall memory, so I can’t really lie as he tells people that “mummy just told a porker..” I love love love him.
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I too have a child on the autism spectrum, spent years wanting him to behave like all the other kids. I finally wised up and just let him be himself and guess what.. surprise surprise everyone is much happier.
My beautiful cat oops.. kid is one of a kind.
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My beautiful son, almost 17 and my husband (undiagnosed) are high functioning Aspies. We have been through years of glares, criticism, condemnation and gossip. A family member kindly informed me my son was mentally ill and just needed help. His children and he were drug addicts and alcoholics! My boy was bullied to the point of severe depression, he wanted to kill himself when he was only 12. He was regularly told he was a freak and I was accused of being an over-indulgent mother! He is incredibly intelligent and socially motivated but ‘awkward’. After years of worry, sleepless nights and more tears than I care to remember, I have peace. My boy is one of the most wonderful, sensitive, creative and funny men I could ever wish to meet. He’s a bit of a cat at times but he’s as playful as any puppy when he trusts the other dogs. My friends adore him and can’t believe how well he has grown up. Give me a non-neurotypical child any day of the week. He has been my greatest teacher. My point, I guess, is that what looked like a life sentence of pain and challenges has resulted in more opportunities than I could have ever imagined. be strong, have faith and live your child always.
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I spent years too listening to how I should parent my own child and what others would/could do better. My sons principle once started to tell me what she would do with him, but then stopped short when she realized she’d overstepped the mark. My boss once publicly announced to the team that she didn’t even believe it was a real condition. One of the teams psychologists saw my face and actually spoke out against her belief, thankfully. I was incoherent with rage.
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This reminds me of many years ago when I worked with a child who had autistic features and leukaemia. When his mum was out with him he would often tantrum and be extremely difficult. Some times the child had a full head of hair. At others, after chemotherapy, he would be bald.
The mother experienced huge differences in people’s reactions that appeared to be a direct result of whether or not the child had hair. When he had hair, she was a hopeless mother. When he didn’t, so many people were sympathetic. Many people seem to feel free to voice their opinions in a judgmental way when they have no idea. As if that woman’s life wasn’t tough enough already without being constantly publicly judged and made to feel a failure.
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Wonderfully and thoughtfully written. Thank you for sharing.
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What a beautiful post.
I know a few Asbergers children and this has really helped me understand.
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I didn’t know anything about Asperger’s Syndrome until I read ‘House Rules’ by Jodi Picoult. I know it’s a novel, but the research Picoult put into it was legitimate and I found it an engaging way to learn about something I felt I needed to know about. It was a great novel, and a real eye-opener, I thoroughly recommend it.
I think more tolerance and acceptance of people who might seem a little ‘different’ is absolutely vital in our society.
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My husband has Aspergers. Undiagnosed, but I am certain. Many times in our ten years together I’ve been reluctant to introduce him to friends because I know he can come across very oddly. He has no patience for niceties, and can find it difficult to talk about other people. My sister lent me a copy of “Look Me In The Eye’ about 5 years ago, and they could have been talking about Jake very easily. The parallels are crazy.
It did help me open up a discussion with him about something I’d felt for a while, but at the time, he resented being labelled. Over the last few years I’ve managed to get him to see that Aspergers is a difference and not a disability and helped him see that sometimes I can’t get what I need from him because of his difficulty communicating or, more often, empathising. I’m a big ball of feeling and he’s all about the brain. I can’t always come at things on an intellectual level.
We see no need for him to be formally diagnosed and managed, he’s very successful at work and has a lot of friends who accept him (with much laughter) as being different. But him having knowledge of his difference has helped him to make the effort to look outside of himself. It has helped our relationship.
I don’t know what diagnosis as a child would have been like for him, but as a paediatric nurse I come across many autistic and Aspy kids. It does seem to me that the kids who have it openly acknowledged at home and in school get the support they need and don’t suffer for it. Jake was the butt of many jokes in our school for his oddness. Kids notice difference. They don’t need a label to tell them. They can also be surprisingly compassionate. I hope the author of this post gets to a place where she can be open and comfortable soon.
Much love, Kate
http://www.withoutpeanut.com
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A guy I was seeing a few years ago had a 3 year old – I met him once and knew something was up with him – he had about 3 phrases that he’d say over and over again, and that was the extent of his conversation. He’d also do repetitive stuff. I finally asked him about his son and he was really defensive. I ended up cracking it because of him and his stupid ex (little fella’s Mum) and their stubborn denial and saying everything was OK when clearly it wasn’t, it was detrimental to the little guy.
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katec,
it’s interesting that people, including your husband, are worried about being labelled. I have a friend with a dear little boy who has been diagnosed with Aspergers & they had the same concerns. I agree with your idea that people will label others anyway – but the label may be ‘different’ or ‘pedantic’ or ‘bossy’ or…
As you’ve said, sometimes having a label such as ‘aspergers’ can help. It’s not really what “it” is called, but how to ensure that people have the skills and support to be able to ‘get on’ in their lives (and that others understand).
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Agreed!! I’m a school counsellor and I see a lot of kids who are on the spectrum but aren’t diagnosed. The label isn’t what’s important, but the intervention that’s needed to give the child the best chance at life through helping them become more independent.
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I agree with this of course but you need to be careful and consider the level of education of the people you disclose this too. When i told my son’s school, the teacher asked if it was a disability, and told me i should homeschool him (which i did). But not many people understand that autism does not equal mental retardation, for example, and that those kids can be maintained in the mainstream schools if guided properly….
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Fabulous post! My brother was diagnosed late (17) with Aspergers after years of my Mum fighting with schools, counsellors, etc to get him tested and to find out why he was ‘different’, and trying to explain to them that he wasn’t just a stubborn child prone to misbehaving who could be ‘managed’ like everyone else. This post explains those ‘differences’ perfectly and totally explains my brother! Love it!
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Sometimes you can get clues on the way kids are misbehaving, but it’s not the case that special needs kids are more likely to misbehave really, just resist against different things perhaps.
I have a son with a mild intellectual disability who can be awfully stubborn and hard to motivate and an elder son who had severe speech language delay early in life who became very good at writing but whom is so socially awkward still. I met a 22 yo client at work and went to an Autism conference – reflecting on the two lots of information certainly made me question if my eldest may have Aspergers after all..
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auscrawl… would you mind sharing a bit more information on your eldest son and his speech and language delay… how old was he before he started speaking and communicating? My nephew has an intellecual disability… but no-one can seem to diagnose him with anything specific. My sister is beside herself as she doesn’t know who or what can help him.
I understand if you don’t want to share, just thought I’d ask.
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expressive (or receptive) language delays sometimes coexist with asperger’s, there doesn’t need to be an intellectual disability for it and it can be mistaken for it….Echolalia in particular is VERY comorbid. (kids who will answer by quoting a piece of a cartoon they love, and they are actually trying to convey information, just not following the same language rules as you).
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I read a great book recently called ‘Look Me In the Eye’, by a man with Asperger’s called John Elder Robison. Interesting reading about life from the perspective of someone who grew up undiagnosed. He found out as an adult (about 40 I think) that he had Asperger’s and wept with the relief of knowing he wasn’t just a “weirdo”. He’s insightful, and at times hilarious. Recommend it to anyone.. if only because we could all do with understanding other’s perspective on life and their challenges.
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I’ve just started reading his new book ‘being different’ I think it is called. Fascinating, he writes so well about the issue.
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my 6yr son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and trying to explain what this is to friends and family has been hard, this has been soo well written it has me in tears .
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I have an AS father and it has been (and continues) to be undiagnosed and not openly discussed. I see a qualified AS psychologist to deal with some of the fall out of being raised in a family that things were never openly acknowledged. For years I thought I was the problem with never being good enough for his attention etc but now I am beginning to understand it all. It has been a heartbreaking journey and has destroyed a great deal of my self-esteem and family relationships mainly because no one told us what was actually going on. I have been told Bill Clinton has AS but manages it very well with good people around him – so the sky is the limit for anyone AS or not. It is just so important to understand it and acknowledge it personally and with loved ones.
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Oh, you’ve raised a huge concern of mine. While I love my son ( and he is just about to hit teenage years, so I maybe a bit premature!), looking forward I do wonder what he’d be like as a father. Another analogy I’ve heard is that the usual social interaction is like a dance, for most of us it comes naturally moving through in a smooth interaction. But Aspys have to think about it; they may come to understand and do it ( the dance) but it never moves as smoothly and easily. How does this play out to be a child of an Aspy, since fundamentally children need that connection, and Aspy’s struggle at it? I am worried about any grandchildren, and I would very much to like to have grandchildren!
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I have a son who is recently diagnosed and now I am starting to understand my sister and my father who I have never connected with. I think I have always understood my dad even though he was very distant emotionally, but my sister who is has the very similar traits did not gel with him at all. Because I have the complementing personality it made it easier for me. My husband is also the same as my son, and it is helping me understand him more too, and my daughter is like me and not an aspie, so hopefully she will connect with him with my support and now that my husband understands as little more about himself, he is more aware of making the connecting consciously. Aspies can live a relatively “normal” adult life if they are taught the basic social skills and learn how to use them, it is true it will never be as smooth or as easy and there are times that social situations, and even relationships, can be difficult and stressful for them, but they just need to connect with someone who can help them. Tony Atwood said recently that if there is an empathy continuum then aspies are generally at the low end, and they need to team up with someone who is on the other end of that continuum in order to help them get through life, someone who is caring and organized and can support them in this strange world. There is hope for your son, To find a really nice partner and settle down to have children, with the support of his lovely partner, and the grandchildren may or may not inherit the gene, and it sounds as though you will be a great support as grandma, so life will be great!
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I agree with Ballerina. I would like to know if a child in my child’s class had Aspergers as I believe it would provide an invaluable opportunity to teach my child patience and empathy.
I grew up in a world of disabilities. While I don’t have one myself my sister is deaf and my mother was a quadriplegic who was very active in advocating the rights of people with disabilities. Because of this I was always the child (and am now the adult) who goes out of their way to assist and befriend those who are clearly in difficult circumstances. I could not comfortably sit by and watch anyone sit alone in the playground and I would like to be able to teach my child to look for the value in each and every human being that sometimes just takes some time and a little bit of effort to be discovered.
This a wonderful post anonymous!
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Couldn’t you teach your child patience and empathy without labeling the other child?
I think that teaching a child empathy and patience on the grounds of a label is ‘tokenistic’…..they should show equal patience and empathy to all their classmates because they understand everyone is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. The old saying ‘treat others as you would like to be treated’ goes along way.
As a teacher myself, I have to say that children are far better at showing unconditional empathy than their parents. Most of them are so kind to other children they can see are ‘different’ without needing an explanation. I have children in my class who have special needs and while the labels are never publicaly addressed, the other children in the class inherently know that their classmates are different and require additional patience at times.I think it’s adults that need the labels to help explain things….
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Yes, I agree…in a class of 20 kids there’ll be a large % of kids with something or other. Labelling each and every one of them (autistic; auditory processing disorder; anxious amd so on) would certainly be confusing for me to remember, let alone a bunch of kids. Best to encourage empathy on a more general level
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Amen to that. Most children are very caring to others when they are encouraged to be so. As a school leader I also have to deal with parents who have little tolerance for other people’s children. I guess they are the same ones who glare at parents dealing with their child’s behavior in public places. Viva la difference I say! Dogs might be easier but some of my favorite little people are kittens!
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Well written, and quite apt. I have a close friend and a relative with asperger’s, both display it in very different ways. Both are socially awkward, however the one who is more “traditional” in their symptoms (highly intelligent, mathmatical, shy, etc) is painfully aware of their awkwardness and works really hard to do the best they can. I do find it’s easier to understand them once you know what it is, though. Even though he tries, he slips up sometimes.
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Side note: My cat must be a freak. She comes when I whistle, does what she’s told, likes a belly scratch and loves indiscriminately.
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Side Note to Miss-T’s side note: My cat is the same, Miss-T! Some of her more ‘doggy’ behavioural traits are more to do with her breed (Ragdoll), but not all. She too loves a tummy scratch, and comes if I whistle…I love my kitty
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Ahh yes the ragdoll! Mine is a Somali (long haired Abysinnian), I believe they’re related.
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A great read, thank you for talking about a topic so close to home.
My brother has Asperger’s & it’s been a real struggle. He’s the youngest of 3 and he’s now 22 years old. He was diagnosed over 10 years ago & still my mother will not accept it or aknowledge there is anything different with him.
As a big sister it’s been really tough as I feel helpless at times & also sometimes scared that he’ll have an outburst & I’ll be the first person nearby to cop it. It’s happened before and I did feel like he was going to kill me, my family didn’t even stop of intervene. It was an extrememely traumatic experience.
I try to stay positive but I feel like I’m the only one in the family that is proactive & encourages him to do more. I give him odd jobs in my business where I can however the simple things like getting a drivers license are of no interest to him. It makes it hard to help him when I feel like I keep hitting a wall.
I wish there was more in the media about this & a way for people to come together. I’ve never discussed it with friends & no one in my friendship group has ever really known as they haven’t seen him since he was in primary school.
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What a beautifully put post.
I used to be very judgemental when I saw children misbehaving in public, then 13 years ago my cousin came into out lives, and introduced us personally to Autism, in the form of PDD-NOS.
Given that I am often out and about with her, and at my age could easily be her mother, it’s often assumed I’m her mother when she gets upset in public. Especially now that I usually have my 4yr old daughter with me.
I get judgemental looks, nasty comments and, very occassionally, help from well-meaning strangers (who usually turn out to have a different kid themselves). I usually am too busy trying to get her to calm down and focus to give a flying f%^k, but have on occasion snapped at a total tool who crossed the line, “She’s autistic, what’s your excuse?”.
Now when I see a child “misbehaving” in public, I give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they have a diagnosis, maybe they are just having a bad day, either way, who the hell are we to judge. I find a sympathetic smile and and offer to mind the baby while they go chase after their bolting child is the way to go. =D