Carolyn Bourne
Lordy, would I pay money to attend the wedding of Heidi Withers to her fiance Freddie Bourne. How come? Let’s just say all hell has broken loose since Heidi’s soon-to-be mother-in-law (Carolyn Bourne) decided to get a few things off her chest. About Heidi. And how rude and uncouth she thinks she is. And how maybe she would be an ideal candidate for Ladette to Lady. And then there was something about Heidi sleeping in. And having bad manners.
Hmmmm.
Mothers and mothers-in-law have always been a hot topic here on Mamamia. We’ve discussed them here, here and even here. I’ve gotta say, I think they often get a bad rap. My mother-in-law is fabulous. And she makes the world’s best lasagna. (Love you, Del!). And when I read the letter from Carolyn, I’m kinda left wondering if maybe she had a point. Or maybe the point is that all families have their own quirks. Traditions. And what is normal to me is too casual or too formal or just plain batshit crazy to you. And let’s be honest — it is SUPER stressful trying to win over your partner’s parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, dog …
But enough from me. Here’s part of the letter …
from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of mannersHere are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.
You do not remark that you do not have enough food.You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that
rise early – you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
Gulp.
Carolyn Bourne and Heidi Withers
Heidi forwarded the message to a group of friends. As you do.
Those friends then forwarded it on to others and then they to others and the next thing it was an internet sensation. Cool! Not really.
Freddie declined to comment. His father Edward Bourne, 63, said: “We have nothing to say.” Heidi’s father Alan has come out and said of Carolyn, “She has her head stuck so far up her own arse she doesn’t know whether to speak or fart.”
You can read more here and the full email here.
Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws? Do you have tales of horror or joy to share?
Comments
289 Comments so far
Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be okay. I’m
undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look forward to new updates.
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Having been on the receiving end of abuse from my (ex)partner’s father I can say that it is extraordinarily stressful.
Clearly he did not like relinquishing any of the control or influence he had over my partner and in the end it was a huge contributor to our relationship breakdown. Even on small issues (eg what insurance company to use) the fact that he constantly disagree with me for no reason AND that my partner just went along with it was incredibly frustrating. We were supposed to be a partnership! I am just glad that we never married as I can only imagine the issues we would have encountered further along.
A mother or father should not just be happy that their child has found happiness but also realise that they must let go of some of the influence and control they had once upon a time. And if it means making small concessions (like allowing your daughter in law to have second helpings to food!) then so be it.
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This sounds like the issues I’m having with my MIL….except it’s the other way round. My sister in law and I have taken to calling her MOTY (mother of the year). Now, to sit down and write that email….
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I think she should have told her son these things and asked him to break it to Heidi gently. It’s the son/daughter’s responsibility to inform their partner about how they are expected to act around their parents’ household… then the partner’s responsibility to decide whether or not to follow that etiquette. But if they don’t know then how should they act properly in the first place? Poor Heidi.
My MIL and I have a great relationship but I am worried about what will happen when we have kids – she is very into alternative medicine, homeopathy, anti-vaccination etc and I am… not. Right now when she talks about it I just nod along but once my children are involved I will have to go against her deeply held views. Not looking forward to it!
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‘one does not get married in a castle unless one owns it’. Classic! Suspect she probably has a point about ol Heidi.
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I love it….just being so honest with this would be daughter-in-law….Love it!
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Clearly what this woman is saying holds some truth, irrespective of the fact her method of delivery calls into question her own grasp of social ettiquette. I think there difinately is a poor knowledge of ettiquette amongst many gen y-ers in particular but this isn’t peculiar to just that generation. If ettiquette is merely the rules that help society run along more smoothly, why aren’t we as a society placing more importance on teaching them to our children?
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Im a step-mum and it would never occur to me to judge my step-sons’ gf/wife. It’s not my place.
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i dunno. I think all those comments are fair enough.
Said in passive-agressive way, not ideal, but perhaps she’s tried other means.
It’s tacky of the DIL to pass it on.
It does not bode well, I reckon the marriage will last 2 years.
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Wait til the kids arrived.
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I’ve never heard of these people. Who are the Bourne’s and the Withers?
Oh never mind, I don’t really care that much
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Wow. I wonder what the hell Freddie’s father was thinking when he married that witch. I wonder what the hell he is thinking now!? The step-mum must feel pretty self assured with her position in the family to be able to write such vitriol. I’d advise the soon to be daughter in law to bring some ipecac syrup to the next dinner, slip the witch some and then send an email a few days later saying “I was appalled at your lack of manners during dinner last weekend. Vomiting the way you did, and all over your clothes and table was completely uncouth and unbecoming…”
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my thankfully ex-MIL was remarkably like Marie out of “everyone loves raymond” … passive-aggressive, manipulative, self-serving, fearful and controlling (she was an awful cook though). She undermined the relationship I had with my children prior and post separation. She colluded with my ex and supported his view that I was “unstable”. She denied the violence and abuse he had perpetrated against myself, and most deploringly against my small children. My ex obviously is kinda the same and took full advantage of it. Apples not falling far and all that. However, after many blissful years of total absence from my ex and ex-MIL and the rest of their crazy judgemental, chauvenistic family I’ve come to see her in the context of her life, and suspect she was just an incredibly unhappy, overworked, taken for granted, possibly abused and utterly isolated lady who didn’t have any insight into her circumstances or the profound blessing I did of getting the f*#k away from such a parasitic clan …
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She’s not everyone’s idea of a cuddly, welcoming mother is she? You should also never chide a prospective family member so publicly. Her delivery was incredibly rude. However, in her defense, this is obviously not just a well of family but one that runs to English Upper class standards. I also wonder what the daughter in law to be has done for the conflict between them to reach this point. Here’s my guess:
Imagine if your son bought someone to your home that you didn’t particularly approve of, but you were going to make the best of it (you love your son/stepson). Then, imagine that you are expected to contribute significantly to their wedding. You are not consulted about the venue but told it will be at a castle. Typically, if someone is shelling out money it gives them a little say on how it will be spent.
Then, you all go out to the pub and daughter in law to be slags your family off to strangers….
Then, imagine that your staff, or you, prepare your usual cooked English breakfast and you are insulted by your daughter in law to be wasting the food and not even turning up. They’re obviously not a “grab your own cereal whatever time you like” family. If your dopey boyfriend doesn’t clue you in on these things, then you need to ask.
Generally speaking, if you display good manners and ask about how people like things done in their house, you will get on fine and be given allowances for small slips and educated into that lifestyle.
The most common thing that motivates this sort of behaviour is fear. I can only think that Mother is worried that son is being married for money. If that is the case, she’s just killed the golden goose!
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The mother-in-law cannot possibly be a happy person because of her rule book for other people. No one could possibly live up to her standards. She repeatedly lists things not to do and basically complains. Good grief. She may be one of those women who irons the underwear and runs the home like the military. Also, she is the stepmother. It’s often difficult for a stepmother to feel natural love for a stepchildren, much less an incoming daughter-in-law. Her perception may be clouded by jealousy of a young carefree couple. The clue here is the constant belittling and expressions like “lower your sights.” Talk about killing dreams. How cool to want to get married in a castle? Why not help Heidi make it happen? Instead, she gets a reminder of her undeserving background. I hope Heidi can rise above the dis-empowering and negative vibrations. My question is, what would this woman find if she decided to focus on Heidi’s good qualities and be grateful for them? Is Heidi happy and relaxed? No drugs or alcohol? Does she love and treasure her husband to be? There are probably a zillion other wonderful qualities about Heidi. This fault finding woman sounds bitter, angry and totally uptight. Poor lady. She might end up going for her fourth marriage soon if she is the shrew she sounds like. Life is too short to be so petty and unloving. This lady, at her age, could be a wonderful role model. And, I totally agree with kate-forster who made the wisest comment: People with real manners don’t mention other people’s manners, no matter how appalling they are. They should be the example not the enforcer.
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Welll..its’s the old story – walk a mile in my shoes! When I was a DIL I thought my MIL was an old bat! But – as a MIL can I say I do the best that my DIL lets me….when I go overseas I bring her back EXACTLY the same as my daughter etc…and that’s $200 worth of perfume etc duty free stuff. I can’t win… It’s the old if you do you’re dammed if you don’t dammed anyway thing. Come on, as adults I think we can realise that it’s not just MIL’s, we DIL’s need to take some of the blame. After all, as mothers we raise the boys to be want women want don’t we?
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Can you please come and be my MIL???
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I have an increasingly bad relationship with my MIL but love my FIL to death! I guess some relationships just aren’t meant to be. I am working on trying not to get upset by it.
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I had a good relationship with my MIL and SIL till now. We would talk on the phone once a week etc. But my partner and I broke up and broke up and I moved back to my parents. He said it was truly over and I was of course devasted. I am prone to depression and overreacted I guess and emailed his sister explaining what happend and asked if it is Ok if we do not have contact for a while as it will be too hard for me to cope while getting over her brother.She wrote back saying it was ok and was really sorry for what happend. Anyway partner and I had a good talk and got back together. Now his entire family hates me and refuses to talk to me because his sister thinks I was only friends with her because of her brother. I know the way I did it was stupid but I saw her as a sister and didn’t want to cut her off but didn’t know what to do. I lost my job few months later and his parents were blamming me when my partner had to borrow money and couldn’t pay his dad back the money he borrowed for the bond of our house we are renting. It was not like I was sitting around all day , I was looking for jobs all the time. I don’t know what to do and wish they didn’t resent me so much now….
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they are being unfair. you did the right thing by everyone by saying you need to stop contact for a while while you got over it. it would have been hard on everyone if you had maintained contact with his sister after a break-up
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Try not to dwell on it too much. Get on with things, get a job and show them the true person that you are!
Good luck.
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I agree with everything she says in the letter but not in actually sending it. Just goes against everything she just wrote!
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Agree. Everything she says is straight out of any ettiquette book and is just good manners no matter generation you are from.
But she has forgotten to read the one page that mentioned that if your family/friends are Rude and Ungracious then you should just Suck It Up.
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People with real manners don’t mention other people’s manners, no matter how appalling they are. They should be the example not the enforcer.
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That’s my favourite comment on this post so far!
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Thank you Bec. Your hand written note on personalised stationery is in the post.
Kate
x
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Where can I get a whore cup?
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from a whore store
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I’m just baffled by the insistence on hand-written thank you cards – is that still a thing? A phone call, email, facebook post or a hug and/or a (very small) gift as you’re leaving is good enough for my family and me.
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Exactly. To me, it’s the appreciation that is important, however it is expressed, not just following the Etiquette Rules.
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My mother in law has a good heart, and means well. I have to repeat that to myself as a mantra sometimes, because she can drive me bonkers.
I just try to understand that she loves my husband (because he’s great, who wouldn’t) and misses him a lot. But given we live so far away when they visit, they VISIT, as in all day and night. They will even come with you to the corner store if you want to nip out for a break, and when we visit them, they line up in the airport check in line with us, just to wring the last seconds of time out of it. They also ALWAYS extend their trip at the last minute because they are having ‘such a great time’ right when you think you’re about to get a respite. They are racist and sexist and opinionated, but I try to remind myself it’s borne of ignorance, growing up in a tiny country town in a different generation.
The thing that gets my goat is I know they used to be cooler! They had my husband out of wedlock and used to wear trendy hippy clothes in the pictures, but joined a religion and went ultraconservative in their thirties. As a result my MIL says a lot of very hypocritical things. And she is very awkward in her speech, all of the compliments are backhanded, but I genuinely think it’s not malicious. For example on our wedding day:
When I saw your dress on the hanger, I didn’t think much of it at all, but you look beautiful with it on!
‘Your baby is so fat, are you just feeding him breast milk (accusatory tone)?’ When I confirmed I was, it switched to: ‘You must have such good milk, what an excellent coverage’.
She is also into crazy home remedies and tried to convince me to buy a metal blanket to put over my baby to protect him from electrical currents (amoungst many other things). Repeat to myself: she’s trying to help, she’s trying to help.
Perhaps the most annoying thing is she says my son looks like everyone in her family but never me. He looks a lots like me, but she says things like: ‘He has my uncle’s chin!’ Sure, it’s the same chin as the person he’s 50% related to, but it’s most likely his great uncle’s on one side…
Ohhh that felt better. I do feel bad for her though, none of what she does impacts me too much and she doesn’t have a good relationship with my FIL, and misses her boys. That helps me when I’m too riled after some of her whacko unsolicited advice!
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A day and a night…..I should be so lucky….my MIL who I find it very difficult to get along with stays every year for 3 months!!
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Oh. My. Gawd.
Peanut – I think it’s possible you and I share the exact same parents in law. Your MIL sounds EXACTLY like mine. EXACTLY.
I thought you were talking about her and my FIL.
And I do exactly what you do in order to deal and tell myself EXACTLY the same things you tell yourself – they have good intentions, mean well, they just want to see their kid and spend time with him etc etc…
They too suddenly extend their stays because “we’re having such a wonderful time” (often without asking if they could, and often after they’ve run me off my feet catering to their every need) and if they had their way we would all spend every single day together.
If we go to the bakery/cafe etc for 5 minutes and don’t tell them, they get upset and almost offended they weren’t asked to go. They make up excuses to ‘drop in’ to our place just to see what we were up to, even if we’re not there they let themselves in so they can ‘make sure everything is ok’.
They pit their kids against each other in order to see who would try to win their approval and ‘kid of the year’ award (who does that?!?!). She pits me against my sisters in law to try and turn us against each other and to try and make us compete for her approval and friendship (again, who does this?!?). I’m fully aware of what she’s doing, so I don’t engage or acknowledge any of it or respond to it, which drives her crazy.
My FIL is one of the most racist and sexist men Ive ever met! EVER! He will think nothing of making a racist or sexist comment TO THE FACE OF THE PERSON HE”S OFFENDING. I cant remember the number of times Ive been shocked by his behaviour, and all his comments come completely out of the blue, catching everyone by surprise…most of these people would even be complete strangers to him or friends of ours that he’s never met before.
My husband and I often ask him not to be so offensive and racist, but he will always say: ‘I can say whatever I want to whomever I want.’
Like you said – borne of ignorance and a result of being from a small rural town with no travel until their retirement and no exposure to other cultures.
They’re both extremely rude to waiters, shopkeepers etc, which I loathe and puts me off going out with them to public places. She expects us to come round every single weekend and if we dont she sulks and doesn’t speak to us for a bit. She tries to tell me how to look after my husband, and keeps saying things like: ‘I know him better than anyone else.’ Even he thinks she’s a certified nutcase and knows nothing about him.
I cant count the number of times Ive had to repeat to myself: she means well (kind of) and she’s blinded by her love for her sons.
I can only really handle my in-laws in small doses, otherwise I would lose my mind. Every time we part ways again I collapse in exhaustion – physically mentally and every other emotion in between. Luckily my husband sees everything I see, and often tries to protect me from them.
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The sister in law I never had!!! Reaches arms for a consoling cuddle in solidarity.
My FIL will tell racist jokes to a group of people at dinner… that he doesn’t know… who are often not Caucasian… He also calls gay people: Wooly Woofters.
But then does so many lovely things for us. It IS exhausting to have some many conflicting feelings about people. As you say – they ADORE their children and just miss them terribly.
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And oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh the shopkeeper thing! What is WITH THAT?
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My grandma (mum’s MIL) told my dad after my youngest sister was born (we are 3 sisters) don’t worry hopefully the next one will be a boy and then told my mum something was wrong with her for not producing boys!
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Well I would like to meet both these women, see which one is the nastiest! If I was Freddie I’d run for the hills! I have a lovely MIL who treats all three of her D’sIL with equal love and respect. I am very lucky to have such easy going, genuinely nice in-laws as I hear so many of my friends stories about their evil in-laws. I think mothers need to back off and let their grown up children make their own choices.
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I don’t have a MIL, but my mother has a doozy. My grandmother is a very difficult woman. She is very polite to your face, but underneath is a very manipulative and deceitful person. Thankfully, my dad is very like his father, who is the complete opposite of his wife, as is my uncle. My dad’s sisters are both exactly like their mother, though. And they both have sons.
For example, you have to be very careful about what you say to her, because there is a very good chance your words will be twisted to suit her agenda (this happens often, even to me). She is very aware of ‘what other people will think’, so often makes up convoluted stories that in the end make no sense.
Currently, she is trying to pass off her daughter’s affair (which everyone knows about) as non-existent, despite the fact that her daughter takes her kids to this guy’s place for WEEKENDS at a time. So many shades of wrong. But no, nobody in our family would do that (because we’re all good Catholics of course), despite the fact that this is the same daughter who started dating her current husband while she was still married to another man…
Mum, myself and my auntie, the other ‘outlaw’, love discussing the latest dramas over coffee – it’s the only way to survive in this family, don;t take them seriously. It’s also how we work out their plan of attack…for family gatherings they usually divide and conquer to get us to do what they want. They’re all certifiable!! Some of it’s worthy of a soapie
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This is a bit horrible, but my mum’s a bit like your grandmother. Everyone outside the family thinks she is a sweet little harmless thing and that I have a massive, misguided chip on my shoulder. In reality, my mother can really be a completely unashamed liar and has never done anything that doesn’t suit her. Beware offers of help – great marine ropes, not strings, will be attached! And beware the sharp tongue when only the nearest (if not dearest, apparently) are around. All those who think she’s sweet get tongue-lashings behind their backs!
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Ah yes, strings attached sounds VERY familiar. Usually, if we say no to doing/going something/somewhere, she will come up with a ‘helpful’ solution as to our excuses. Now we have learned to say no, and that’s it – no explanation necessary.
She’ll also tend to call Dad, because shee knows she’ll be more likely to talk him into things. He has also learned it is not a good idea to say yes without telling mum about it first!
I guess it is horrible to think these things about your family, but I’ve never really known any different because Mum’s parents lived overseas and have both passed away. And it’s just the way shee is, now we just deal with it and try to handle her as best we can!
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I think my relationship with my MIL would be a lot better if not for my sister in law. She is quite a nice lady when she’s by herself. My sister in law and I are best kept in opposite corners of the room. I get the feeling Im not good enough for her little brother!
And who are Heidi and Freddie anyway?
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that’s a shame isn’t it. I’m a sister in-law to 2 gorgeous girls; we don’t hang out all the time and are different personalities but I love them because I can see how happy they make my brothers and how much they love them. That’s all anyone should want for their sons or brothers isn’t it?
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My MIL is amazing. She is completely supportive of everything we do, and has welcomed me with open arms since day 1. Despite living over 20 hours drive away (and it’s difficult to get flights from where they live), she and FIL visit a few times a year for several weeks, and have come to our rescue on many occasions when our children have been rushed to hospital by suddenly appearing and helping out.
Just last week, she was flying down to care for our kids while we went on our anniversary weekend (the ONLY weekend we get a year without kids, on our own, in fact the only time at all we get this) and the ash cloud cancelled her flight. Before we could even protest, both MIL and FIL were in the car driving allllllll the way down, just so we wouldn’t miss our weekend away. And what’s more, they not only had a magnificent time with their beloved grandchildren, she did all the washing, cleaned the house, washed the floors and made meals for us to freeze. I seriously adore these people!!! I am a very very very lucky daughter in law.
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Sadly, my husband’s mother passed away before I could get the chance to meet her so my ex-boyfriend’s mum was the closest I will ever get to experiencing it. I will say she could give Freddie’s mum a run for her money.
She met me in passing once, decided she hated me on sight, threatened to cut her son off from his own money (she was the executor of his business trust/estate) if he continued the relationship. She’d hang up the phone if I ever answered it, I was never once invited to family functions and she claimed my mere existence gave her a brain tumor. She actually did have one. Her favorite thing to do was try and set her son up with other women. He never defended me and wouldn’t even discuss it with her. So she was allowed to get away with treating me like dirt.
The relationship still lasted 8 years but part of me thinks I did my time and was spared having a mother-in-law a second time. I don’t think I could do it again.
Looking back, if I had written evidence like this fiancée does, and wasn’t the meek 22 year old back then, I would send that email out in a heartbeat and cancel the wedding. A woman like that will sink a marriage.
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Heidi shouldn’t have forwarded the email, certainly. However, the email’s inherent cruelty is far more offensive and is what has ultimately fuelled it’s viral spread. Manners should be a way of showing kindness, not replacing it. It seems strange to honour the rituals of etiquette above kindness itself. Sadly, some people hide behind exclusionist rules and convince themselves that they have the high ground, but it neither masks nor makes up for mean spiritedness. It’s about as effective as spraying lavender air-freshener during a bout of gastro. Ah well… some part of me does wonder if poor Freddie hasn’t gone and chosen his partner because he’s kind of tired of all that.
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Manners should be a way of showing kindness, not replacing it.
THIS!
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I thank my lucky stars every day that I live about as far away from my MIL as is physically possible. The complex relationship we have with my husband’s family is one of the biggest road blocks to our ever moving back to Australia.
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My MIL is a lovely caring lady, who loves to look after me, in particular when my husband is away Fi-Fo… sadly I’m an ungrateful b*tch, who is very hard to please. But hey, it bothers me that she folds my laundry the wrong way, so I have creases in wrong places unless I refold. It also bothers me that when she does my dishes they’re never clean, especially the little valves in my toddler’s sippy cups – yuck, old dried milk. Sometimes she’s so difficult to share a conversation with, because her social skills are lacking…
BUT!!! She tries her very best to fill in for my own mother who’s too far away, and when I got badly sick the other day, she came instantly to look after my girl, make me dinner and help me out in any way possible. My heart is still bleeding. Will have to remind myself of this post come summertime when she runs away on the boat as soon as my hubby leaves for work…
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I think the points the MIL makes in the email are actually valid, I agree with her that there is a certain level of respect required of you when you are a guest in someone’s home. Obviously the manner in which she got her point across was totally wrong and she would have been better off making kind suggestions rather than cruel objections. For example she could have said ”We’d love to have you join us for an early breakfast” instead of the comment about her sleeping in…..
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Yes,I agree. I had a house guest who slept in, didn’t attempt to make the bed, complained that my (then little) children made too much noise, refused to eat the dinner I cooked because it was ‘too spicy’ and was annoyed by our lack of a lock on the toilet door (locking doors and toddlers…nope!)
So, anyway, I can see the point of the future MIL but the delivery was rather vicious and spiteful.
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A wise friend once said to me…find the perfect MIL then marry her son. Worked a treat for her!
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I live with my boyfriend and I really like his mother. She lives in NZ so we don’t see her all the time but she usually stays with us at least once a year and we just came back from spending ten days with her.
My sister’s boyfriend’s mother on the other hand is horrible. They’ve been living together a year and she’s never come to visit the house or her son. I don’t think she actually dislikes my sister, I think she’d hate anyone he was with because they were part of him making a life away from her.
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I still have a relationship with my 1st MIL and family, despite the fact that I live interstate from them. She is lovely, we’ve had her stay with us on holiday too. She is eternally grateful that I kept in touch after her son and I split, particularly as she lost touch in similar fashion with one of her other grandchildren.
My 2nd MIL however…….. She told me her whole sad life story shortly after we got married and I wanted to put my fingers in my ears at some stage, it was that bad. I do feel sorry for her, but she has been passive agressive ever since I’ve known her. Polite to my face, but bitchy behind my back. Was mean to my kids and after I asked my husband to talk to her, she made nasty comments about us having trouble with having kids. Interestingly, she has hardly seen our daughters (and they are 11 and 8). After the last visit where she barely talked to the girls and subsequently let me husband down when he needed her, I’ve refused to visit her again or subject my girls to someone that doesn’t care for them. My older kids won’t see her at all and we don’t even aske them anymore, they only ever got along with my FIL anyway and he’s passed away. I I do feel sorry for my husband and wish that I wasn’t the cause of this drama (even though I didn’t do anything, she’s been horrible to all her DILs), but I have to say I don’t care about her really. I know my own parents can be irritating at times and we’ve had our share of arguments etc, but on the whole get along well. I just hope it makes up a bit for my MIL etc for my kids and my husband.
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If what she states is in fact true, then the daughter in law to be probably needed to hear it as her parents have failed to teach her such things.
Not a nice way to start a relationship though…
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Is it only me who regards e-mails as sacrosant?
It’s OK to forward your own e-mails that you have actually written to someone, to other people because they are your words so you own them. But you don’t forward on personal e-mails that you have received from someone, to other people. To me that’s completely not on.
Anyone I knew of who did that I’d never trust them again. I’d never tell them anything, write to them or e-mail them incase they decided to also broadcast what I said to them to the world.
That Heidi did that shows that she has no manners or personal integrity.
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I have been shocked when a couple of my emails have been forwarded without people asking first. THankfully, I didn’t say anything bad, but it’s made me aware that nothing is private in email-world, so pretend like you’re talking with your boss or your neighbour standing at your shoulder!
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I always assume anything I put in writing may be fowarded to the whole world. I always put ‘please don’t forward’ at the top of a personal email, but even then I assume that it may be.
Which is why I am SO shocked that this woman wrote an email like this!
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I saw this yesterday on Twitter (Thanks Flotsam!) and my jaw hit the floor at the audacity of the woman. I think it serves her right that the email has gone viral, she sounds like a nasty piece of work to me, regardless of whether her points are valid or not. There is a time and a place.
I do agree with a couple of her points though sadly. I think it’s rude to sleep in when you’re a guest. I also think you should eat what you’re served and don’t complain (unless you have an allergy). Obviously this woman took it too far, especially as the girl is a diabetes sufferer and most likely has a quite restricted diet.
The email also made me feel much more grateful for the MIL I have. We get along very well. We had a few problems at first, but it was more to do with my resistence to her being inclusive and my own upbringing influencing how I thought a family should behave along with some cultural differences.
To be honest, I have a much easier relationship with my MIL than my mother.
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I agree with the MIL, none of those behaviours are acceptable when you are a guest; what you choose to do in your own home is another thing.
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When I’m a houseguest I always worry about sleeping in. But how do you know how to fall in line with ‘house norms?’ Do you have to ask what time people get up? I try but sometimes people give vague answers. And if I’m at my boyfriends parents house and we both sleep in is that ok?
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okay, try really hard to keep track of the maths.
I am 40, my husband is 10 years younger than me. His widower-father is 55, and remarried a woman 15 years younger than him. Yes, correct. My MIL is the same age as me (in fact, she’s 23 days younger)! We have a blast together.
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I thought this was absolutely hilarious -real laugh out loud stuff and I know some one just like her. Why do some people think they are more superior to others? if I was the daughter in law to be I would run for my life. You just know this is not going to work.
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Many of us have stories to tell about our Mothers in Law-good or bad I will say this…. take a look at the man in your life, ask yourself why you love him, his looks, his manners, his personality, his values, all of these things have been contributed to by those who raised him. So give your mother in law some credit, a little…… or a lot of him is because of one woman.
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I agree with Crystal wholeheartedly! Why is it always the MIL getting the blame, maybe sometimes it just might be the DIL, have you ever thought of that? Us MIL’S cop it bad, having to walk on egg shells all the time, too scared to say the wrong thing and upset the poor dear, and most of all we don’t say it because we do not want to upset our son, but we still get treated like something the DIL has trod in.
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The reason why MIL’s get treated like ‘something the DIL has trod in’ is because well, they are. Two adults made a decision to be together – MIL’s and the rest outside of the couple are just appendages. I think MIL’s really struggle when they cannot graciously take a back seat and respect their adult children’s choices.
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Yes I agree with you Crystal. I have two sons and no daughters. I am looking forward to being a MIL – I hope to create a loving relationship with the girls who will be part of my sons lives. I really hope they have your outlook, Crystal!
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i do agree with the MIL on not sleeping in really late when you’re staying at someone else’s house. both my sisters do this when they stay with me. my husband and i are usually up by 7am because we have 2 kids. so while i don’t expect them to get up that early and don’t have a problem with a sleep in i think not getting up until 10am is rude. especially when they then want breakfast made. strangely, when i stay at one sister’s house she insists i get up and have a shower before her and argues until i just get up to shut her up. she then takes AGES to get ready and never has any food to make breakfast.
well, that was a bit of a rant. sorry. guess i needed to get that out.
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I think these are basic manners people should know and apply when meeting parents in law to be at any stage. Its obviously a case of fine english bogan marrying into fine English upper class! Hilarious. I think the MIL should have perhaps filtered this through the son, so he could make suggestions about behaviour…but that would probably only have the effect of making said bogan be even more bogan to get a rise out of the mother. This would be a fun wedding to be at. I can see bogan’s bridesmaids reading out a speech starting with ‘ this isn’t bogan’s first marriage, there was another one to a man-hooker in Vegas’….bhahahah
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In relation to the email… I guess there is a wider context to the reasons for both Heidi and the step-mil actions and I’m sure they both feel justified in their actions
My relationship with my in-laws are strained. I thought it would get better once we got married ….then I hoped it would get better when we started having kids but it’s gotten worse. The latest in a long line of issues is when my husband asked his mother if she was happy that we would be having another baby – her response was I’m happy if you are !!!!!!
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When my husband and I proudly announced to his mother that we were having our first child, my MIL said ‘ I really don’t need any more grandchildren’.
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Tishie I’m not quite sure what is upsetting about your mother in law’s reaction to news of another baby. I would interpret that as her wanting to be sympathetic if the second baby was perhaps arriving quicker than you planned, or perhaps she wasn’t sure you wanted a second/third/fourth child. I’m guessing there’s context here that I’m oblivious to, but that comment in itself wouldn’t bother me.
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ditto! my own mother would prob say the same thing to me (and I don’t have kids yet!) – it would be her way of saying ‘I just want you to be happy, and whatever that is, makes me happy too’….but yes…probably more to tishie’s situation than has been said…
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Love it. I think the mother in law may be a tad on the snobby side but I also think the daughter in law is a weenie bit bogan. Either way it should be a noice, classy wedding.
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while my in laws are not bad people, they are not my kind of people… they are god fearing church folk. totally sickly sweet and pleasant enough but i think that masks a lot of crap under the surface. plus they have THE WORST sense of humour and his mum has the most ANNOYING laugh on the planet. it makes me wince thinking about it. She is also a big know it all, and never fails to impart her knowledge whenever she feels like it.
thankfully they live 13 hours away.
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I love my in-laws – both wonderful people with the biggest hearts, they do as much as they can for us and their friends. Pity about my husband’s siblings, can’t say the same about them. They are welfare supporters and have milked their parents for so much money.
But the stories I wish to share about my MIL are about Jelly & my darling son’s little willy. Jelly – her & I were chatting on the phone one night and I was multi-tasking, so making some jelly at the same time. “But my son/your husband doesn’t like jelly, why are you making it?” “Aaahhh because I like it?!?” Definitely a difference in the generations there.
And then when I was bathing my son (he was about 2 months old) – “So when does the end of his willy grow over? Cos you know that’s happens” – clearly she didn’t know much about non-circumcised boys parts. It still makes me giggle to this day!!! hehehe
But as I said, I love them a lot and look forward to them staying with us for a couple of weeks really soon.
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Don’t you mean welfare drainers/bludgers, not supporters?? My husbands brothers are losers too. I got the white sheep of the family.
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Why wasn’t Freddie helping out, advising, warning, and sending thank you cards? He knows what his mother is like.
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It’s his step-mother, so maybe nothing pleases him more than irritating her (all speculation of course).
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I was going to say the same thing. Maybe he doesn’t like his stepmother.
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