Welcome to Group Therapy where you get to exchange wisdom with others in the Mamamia community.
Today's question is about toxic friendship….
Amy* writes……
I have been friends with this particular person for about 5/6 years.
We were best friends and I also became quite close to her family. But
over the years she has been very controlling and demanding. When I met
and moved in with my now fiancee she hit the roof and started causing
all sorts of problems. She went after my fiancee's friends and said
that she could have what I have.
We have had many falling out's for which she has never taken any
responsibility for and I have always been the bigger person and
patched things up. There are way too many instances to go through
about what she has done but you can only imagine what it would be
like, with everything revolving around her and having someone trying
to control your life.
As we weren't friends when I became engaged naturally I didn't ask her
to be part of the bridal party. As we patched things up a few months
ago, she started hijacking the planning of our wedding and we have
since had another falling out. I have decided enough is enough and I
don't want to continue having all this trouble in my life. I have
decided not to invite her to the wedding but would have liked her
parents to be there but at the end of the day she is their daughter
and I don't think it would be appropriate to invite them.
Am I doing the right thing and how do I stay strong and not keep
giving in to her all the time and keep patching things up?
*name changed
Over to you. How can Amy avoid being sucked back into the drama of her controlling friend and stay focused on her own happiness?
If you have a problem that could benefit from some collective wisdom, you can anonymously email it here….
PM: Lifeline's Busiest Day & Mr Squiggle Honoured
The Quicky
Top Comments
I had a similar experience. A best friend till the end (at least that's what I thought)from high school. Every time I did something she didn't like, met a great guy she got very jealous just excluding me from her life. the guy and I broke up she would come back into my life. I decided to head overseas for a year. Before I went instead of being supportive she again got jealous cut me out of her life and this time started hanging out with my stepsister whom i tried to include in my life at the time (as it was like revenge).
She was suppose to come visit me we were to go traveling on my holidays, instead at the last minute she changed her mind and chose a different destination overseas to visit. I lived with her and another good friend she would treat me like shit whenever she wanted.
I met my now husband who lived hours away so everyweekend I would go there or he would come to me and we would always try to include her but again she decided to shut me out so much taht I didn't ask her to be in the bridal party wasn't even going to invite her the wedding. Some how I patched things up and she said a reading at the church. by this time I was well away from our home town. When it was time to do more travelling and living overseas she started to get funny and we came home and had kids. Things started going down hill.
Now after years I have decided I can't be bothered. 2 other mutal friends whom I am still close with have suffered similar experience with her and the live close by. Basically we have decided she is poisiong her self from us and we no longer have the energy to try and make amends. Time to cut the chord. I will still send christmas and birthday cards to her and her kids but i refuse to make an effort or waste energy caring. I think you should just cut her out. She can't help being jealous but don't let it bring you down from your happiness.
What is your pay-off in all this? What do you get from allowing this 'friend' to come into your life and selfishly make demands off you? I know what you are going through. I have been in that situation, and am still in that situation. There is something there from this friend that can't allow you to severe ties with her completely. Otherwise, you would have told her to efff off long ago. If it's simply reasurrance you want from us that you are doing the right thing not inviting her to your wedding, then you have it. You have every right not to want her in your life at all if that is what you want. Don't feel guilty!! Invite her parents though, and explain to them that you love them but cannot tolerate their daughter. They'll probably understand anyway.