Rebecca Sparrow
By REBECCA SPARROW
So. I’m about to do something that is either really, really awesome or really, really stupid.
I’m about to move in with my sister-in-law.
Here, let me give you some thinking music (imagine I’m playing Morning Has Broken on my daughter’s toy xylophone) while you contemplate my plan.
Time’s up. What do you reckon? Magnificent or madness?
Here’s the thing. I’ve been living in Adelaide for two years with no support network. And by ‘no support network’ what I mean is NO F*CKING SUPPORT NETWORK. Nothing. Nada. Zip. You with me?
The good news is that my tribe and I are about to move home to Brisbane. Our plan is to share a rental house with my husband’s sister and her 7 year old daughter for 12 months. Just as a way to save a bit of money but more to provide some support to one another. Support. Back-up. You know, a village.
Seriously, the thought of just having another adult around and available to watch the kids so I can go grocery shopping alone is right now sexier to me than imagining George Clooney doing my washing up. And I know my sister-in-law feels the same.
“I’m at the point where I’d pick a solo shopping trip over George Clooney. Really.”
If you don’t have a support network around you, I know you’ll know what I’m saying. It’s tiring - parenting and working and, well parenting alone. No grandparents to babysit or watch the kids when you go to the hairdresser. No aunties or uncles or cousins or babysitters you’ve known forever around to help out.
And if you’re a single parent or have a spouse who works long hours (like I do) … it’s doubly draining.
So I have to say the thought of living with my sister in law is pretty appealing. Plus there’s the fact that she and I have a terrific relationship. What’s she like? Imagine the most awesome person you know and then times it by 100. That’s her. She’s easy going, great fun, not a slob and makes a mean Green Chicken Curry.
Plus when the kids are doing my head in, my ensuite has a bathtub.
So what do you think?
Am I doing the right thing? And what tips or advice do you have for me on sharing a house with a family member? Other than, you know, not to write my name on the margarine …
Comments
95 Comments so far
I’ve done it twice with my in laws – once when we were first married for 9 months and once with 2 young children while we were having a house built. Neither experience was pleasant. If you are planning to share house, ok – set the ground rules before you go into it and make sure you have a fair and equal say in everything. But think long and hard about moving in to someone else’s already established house because you will have no say in the way you have to live your life and they will interere at every turn. You will have to fit your life in around theirs, not easy when you have young children. 20 years on and one of my in laws has passed away. The other is now sick and needs care but refuses to move in with us – or leave their home. I will NOT under any circumstances move in with them again because I know what will happen and I can’t live with that long term. They are very welcome to come and live in my house and have me take care of them, as long as I get to ruin my household my way. I’m even prepared to sell my home and buy/build a house with a separate granny flat if they will help contribute something towards that, (certainly not all their assets, just a small portion of it), but never will I move in with them and have to live for the next 20 years by their rules and at their beck and call.
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Don’t do it Bec! A SIL is different to MIL & FIL but still, it’s family and you most likely won’t be on the same page as each other in relation to parenting styles, and, well, most other things.
A friend of mine just ended an 18 month stint of her husband, son and self living with her in-laws…. the cracks that appeared will never be mended.
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We moved interstate 18 months ago and after living my whole life with family and friends everywhere there are time when I’d love to have some support. I have lost count of the times it would have been handy to have someone assist for 1 hour so that I attend something while my husband works late or attends yet another function – the dichotomy being that a lot of the events I’m missing are with fellow ‘locals’ where I could be establishing a network of friends to help out in the future! Just recently I had to rush my youngest to the hospital where we stayed overnight but I was alone putting on a brave face while my husband was doing the same at home looking after our eldest and worried sick with matters made worst because phone reception was blocked and I had to leave my little one alone to go outside to provide updates to to a very worried dad. It was a brutal way to face reality and realise that we are very much alone….
Sooooo, being close to family would be fantastic. BUT, not sure living with them would be my desired outcome. We have spent many weekends and weeks with house guests since moving away and I readily admit that I like my own space!
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They say it “takes a whole village to raise a child”. A proverb not followed by modern families. We apparently can ‘do it all’. In saying that children, however delightful, can be bloody hard work and I think your move will be a good one. I too, am about to go through a family restructure. We are building side- by- side duplexes with my husband’s parents ( if the council will put it through!!!) . My husband is an only child and this situation will provide us with much needed support, and my in laws with an extended, close family. My only advice is to ‘straight talk’ issues. A term used by NSW Ambulance to weed out small and well, big problems. It involves just saying exactly how you feel rather than bitching.
Best of luck with your new chapter. Keep us posted.
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Not sure why you are asking a bunch of strangers…I thought these questions were for your parnter and friends.
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Adelaide will miss you Bec, sounds like a good plan, all the best!
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We have been on beach house holidays twice with my SIL and her family and I will never ever do it again. Both times were the worst 10 days of my life.
She is very controlling and frugal, to the point where we felt like we were on school camp. Lunch was to her schedule, there was never an opportunity to eat out because she had each meal organised and shopped for (and of course $$ requested for our contribution) and basically it was a complete unholiday because we were living exactly like we were at home, except with bossy boots telling us when we were doing it. She even allocated me laundry days so that we didnt have to share the washing machine!!!
I had always got on quite well with her before these holidays, but now have absolute sympathy for her husband and kids.
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Hi Bec,
Last March I moved in with my partner (who lives with his parents) while he was going through a difficult time. He has been away for 6 months and I have been living in a (thankfully) big house with his mum and dad (aged 65 and 70) without him. It was great at first – I am cooked for and don’t have the expenses of living on my own. The past month or so, things have really started to grate on me. The fact that I am pounced on as soon as I walk in the door, or out of the shower, or into the shower to ask me questions or tell me things really annoys me for some reason. I also feel like they now know me too well. No longer am I the golden daughter in law. They know my moods, they know what time I wake up on the weekend, they know what I look like when I am sick, hungover, haven’t showered yet. On top of this – my partner’s sister, husband, master 3 and miss 1 have also moved in to the flat attached to the house. It’s a mad house I tell you. Someone help me!!
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brilliance. have big discussions about every bodies ‘expectations’ lay the ground rules about house keeping and bills etc and enjoy!
last year I had a friend move in with me for 6 months- when her contract was over, we missed having each other around… so much so she has accepted another work contract and is moving back in another month-and we also plan that when we both move back to our home town we will be sharing a house. Both our spouses work long hours/ are away for months at a time, and it works brilliantly!
Yay for moving home to support networks!
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I too have no support network, my family is all overseas and my partner’s family are not interested in my 3 children at all. My partner works long hours but I just make it work, the kids are my world and they go everywhere with me, I will have my down time when they grow up! I think you can do anything you put your mind to. Good luck to your and your family, given you and your sister in law have such a fantastic relationship I am sure it will work out perfectly, just remember communication is the key. Maybe you could give us updates as to how it is working out.
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Good luck, Bec! I love my Sister-in-law, but when they visited 2 years ago (parents, 2 kids), I couldn’t wait for them to leave and actually drove off to the park when I saw their car at my place, because I couldn’t bear to go home – had to eventually of course! I could handle “my” family’s mess, but not theirs and as others have commented, the different parenting thing was also difficult. If you’re someone who needs down/quiet time like me, the opportunities (few & far between with kids anyway) are reduced with others in the house, but you’re probably more patient than I am…
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I lived with my brother and sister in-law while living in the UK!! Loved it so much I now live in a flat attached to their house ( yes it’s a granny flat :/) and its great. I see the nephew and niece all the time and they get a babysitter when I’m free! Works out great, especially as you say you get along great! Just keep to your timeline! Good luck
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Like a lot of other commenters it depends on the relationships you have, but even so, lay the ground rules.
We’ve had my BIL (husband’s brother) stay with us and while not particularly snobby, I ran him around a lot, he criticized my cooking without offering to cook himself and started smoking bongs in his room. Nice. Oh he also borrowed money off us behind my back. Glad to get him out.
My parents stayed in our front yard in their caravan when they moved up here and sadly we ended up arguing about the kids before they moved out.
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I’d live with my sister in-law Alicia without hesitation. Love that girl to bits, my brother in-law and his wife no-thank you, in the last two years I’ve never seen her do the dishes!
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You are so lucky, lucky, lucky. .
I have 3 SILs – Ms Nosy Blabbermouth, Ms Pyscho Cray Cray Lady, and don’t forget Ms Downright Nasty & Horrible.
Move in and have the time of your life.
I would if I had an awesome SIL. Still wishing for one. Sigh!
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I adore mine and my partner’s families…. but the hatred I usually ended up feeling for my various flatmates over the years has cured me of ever wanting to live with another adult again (besides my partner and even he gives me the sh1ts sometimes).
Doesn’t mean it won’t work for everyone though!
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Agreed! I find cohabiting with my family or his family great fun for holidays, but once the novelty wears off I feel like they’re housemates that annoy me… I just like taking care of me or just me and my partner too much. I don’t want to have to worry about how what I do in my house affects everyone else there, and I hate cleaning up other people’s mess. Guess that’s why I don’t have kids yet!
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Yep – other people’s mess.
You nailed it right there.
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If you have a wonderful relationship then it wouldn’t be so bad – for a while. Me – I dislike my in laws so it wouldn’t work. Even if it did mean help with my 8 month old! I’d rather suffer ha ha…
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I’d move in with my sister in law any day, that is, the woman who has married my brother. Like yours she’s an awesome woman, bright, a fabulous cook and we share many interests and likes. Unfortunately she lives all the way in Denmark. She’s coming to visit in two months, I can’t wait!!
As for the in-laws that came attached with my husband! Stealing as clear of them as possible. They’re all right here in the Perth suburbs yet have no interest in me or their niece and nephew, so like you Bec I have no support and hubby works away four/four. But as it turns out I can manage on my own. Makes the visit from home that much sweeter.
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I’ve had a nephew move in for a year or longer while they complete their university studies. House has never been more annoying. Already have 6 people (including the in laws and kids) around and now him…torture!!
The hardest thing is establishing ground rules. It’s very different to see someone throughout the year compared to having them live with you. I know it sounds so silly but even basic things like shower times and doing chores have become a massive source of angst in this house.
I know you wouldn’t Bec, but this guy is treating our home like a hostel. Straight to room with doors shut, 1 hour + shower, straight to shops to buy his own drinks/ snacks, straight home to watch tv, straight back to computer in room with doors shut. And he’s in his 20s. And because he is my husbands brothers son there’s not much I can say!! I’ve tried to sit everyone down and had big ‘family meetings’ where I delegate chores but FFS some things should be basic decency! If you’re living in someones house for free HELP OUT! COME AND TALK TO PEOPLE! GET A JOB!
Seriously over it.
The worst thing is that I have to scream at my kids about things to get a point across (though his headphones are in so he probably can’t hear…grr). And all that happens is I get home from work and everyone individually groans about something he has done that day to annoy them.
Anyway. Rant over. Establish ground rules and be understanding. Sometimes things should be done without having to ask.
Oh and good luck Bec!!!!!! Glad you’ve got your tribe again
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Yeah the shower thing can be really annoying! When i was living at home with my parents, my dads sister came to stay for a few weeks. She shared my bathroom. She was an early
Riser even though she was on holidays and i had to get up early to go to work. I had to get up 45 minutes earlier just
To get to use the bathroom because she would take so bloody long in there, even though she knew i had to get the bus at a certain time..she could not upset her morning routine even though she having a free holiday at our house!
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Exactly! I don’t think it’s unreasonable but what do guys even have to do in there? they don’t have to awkwardly shave their legs or anything!!!
I mean at the end of the day you have to realise someone is paying the bills and just be mindful of that and the way people lived before you moved in.
Glad your shower routine is back
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You don’t want to think too hard about what they are doing in there.
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urrrrrrghhhhhhhh.
thanks vivacious
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I appreciate the fact that you probably can’t without a great deal of drama, but I would kick the freeloading nephew out or at least put him on notice. Living there for free, not helping out, treating the place like a hotel? You must be kidding me. Maybe once he had to pay his own way, get a job and cook and clean for himself he will start to grow up and appreciate what he had.
You’re not doing him any favours by enababling this behavior and allowing him to be a child forever. I have friends his age with mortgages and families so I’d have no hesitation in telling the whole family, your house, your rules, be considerate, contribute or act like a selfish a$$hole is his own house. That he pays for.
I would get your husband on board and tell him things have to change. Maybe draw up a roster and tell the nephew free board in exchange for babysitting, chores etc and if he complains because it cuts into video game and study time, he’s free to rent his own place and discover how many hours of work he will need to do to pay for that. Sorry for the rant, I just have been subjected to way too many spoilt indulged child men who have excuses made for their selfish ways and eventually a wife inherits them and has to raise him herself and do the job his parents should have done. (Bitter, me? No!)
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Yup I think you’re right. This is beyond a joke. He’s taking advantage of our hospitality.
Thanks so much for the advice. It’s so nice to have a community here where people try to help you out
xx
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I feel you, girl.
Sasha maybe you and your husband can sit down with your nephew and tell him exactly what is required of him. He lives in *your* house so his contribution needs to be what *you* set for him.
I totally feel your pain about how some things should be done without being asked. But if they do need to be asked, then you do have to ask. And keep asking them. Every time they slip up.
Good luck, I hope it gets better for you.
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No I agree. We are dropping little hints and trying to lay it down. But it is hard to speak up and not just sound like you’re picking on your hubbies side of the family for the fun of it!
Thanks for the advice
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I just had someone stay with me for six weeks who – at 28 years old – still wouldn’t pick up a broom or stack a dishwasher without being asked. She didn’t have a job (still hasn’t, but is no longer staying with me so not my problem), just sat at home all day using my internet and electricity. Every day I’d come home and literally not one thing had been done. Dishes still in the sink, etc. She’d go to the shops to buy things for herself but never bought any groceries for the house! Didn’t offer me a cent by way of rent or board either.
She left in early January, thank God.
Oh – and this wasn’t a family member – it was a very new friend who had recently moved and I took pity. NEVER AGAIN!
I totally agree that without ground rules, tiny things like showers can become huge annoyances. Resentment builds up so easily and quickly!
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Are we the same person? it’s the same thing. Not looking for jobs, just sits on the internet all day. Incredible.
6 weeks sounds great! Try over 1 year.
And the groceries thing is driving everyone mad. The kids are checking with me if ‘he’ bought the things in the fridge or if ‘i’ did. If he does go shopping (for himself) he will repeat a million times how he went and walked to the shops. Though he offers the treats to my kids I feel like he’s implying I can’t provide for my own kids so I make sure they don’t touch his stuff.
Glad to know there’s a few of us out there!
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Hey Bec, good on you for trying something different. When my youngest of two sons was 11 weeks old (my eldest was 2), we moved upstairs into my mum’s house (she lived downstairs) to care for my mum who had some disability and live rent free to save for our own place. We also had my 11 year old niece living with us as her parents weren’t what you’d call ideal. Soon after her dad, my brother, found himself homeless so he moved downstairs with mum. Once we all established our boundaries – mostly ours really, and generally around how everyone else disciplined/spoke to/played with/fed our boys – it was surprisingly grand! My brother and I couldn’t be more different but I just kept communication open and One of the great joys was putting washing on and coming down to find it all hung out (and later neatly folded). My niece was a fantastic support. My boys have beautiful memories of their grandma.
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Genius idea! When my girls were little, my sister moved back a stint overseas and lived with me while my husband was in Roma doing the Flying Obstetrics service. He had to do this as part of his training for 3 months. When he came back she still lived with us and continued to for the next 4 years until she got married. It was so good having another adult to share everything with. If your husband is like mine and working late into the night, having another adult as company is such a bonus. Also being able to pop out to the shops without the nightmare of young children is invaluable.
Yes you will get on each others nerves sometimes but it is worth it in the end. I still miss my sister and wish she lived with me.
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Sounds like a great idea!
We all have our own individual relationships with our family members, therefore I think it is impossible to provide a blanket comment either way of whether it would work or not.
You’ve said you have a great relationship going in; I’d suggest all adults sitting down and creating some ground rules, acknowledge individual quirks up front, and commit to an agreed communication approach if/when challenges come up.
Starting on the same page, and following through with what is agreed, in my mind seems like a sensible way to go into it.
I wish you all the best, and have every confidence it could work out great if everyone is prepared to work at it.
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I agree, ground rules and possibly a chore sharing roster. But ultimately it comes down to how stubborn you both are with having a house your way. Also ground rules about kids behaviour and who can or cannot discipline the children. Good luck I hope it’s fun.
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Lovely writing, great piece. I have NO support network AT ALL and a hubby who does all the overtime he can get. Its unbelievably exhausting. Whilst listening to the tune of ‘morning has broken’ as suggested, I had a vision. It was me and my sister in law sitting on the couch. Miraculously all the kids were asleep and we were sipping champagne and CHATTING….how nice. I wish you all the best!!
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I lived with my in-laws for 6 years. There are good sides to it, but also some really bad ones. The good ones were that we didn’t have to pay rent or any of the bills, so we could save quite a bit. Also, my mother in law doesn’t work and is pretty much in the house all day, so while we were working/ studying (I got married quite young), she would cook, clean etc and I had nothing to worry about when i would get home. That being said, every time I would do some house work, it was never good enough, but my MIL would never say it directly to me. She would rather go and whisper behind my back to my sister in law. The biggest problem that I found was the lack of communication. Nothing was being said, issues were not discussed. i tried to do it a couple of times, but it backfired. It is normal to have disagreements with people that you live with, but it’s a bit tricky when those people are your partner’s family and they want to get involve in everything you do and the moment you decide anything different, it becomes a big problem. You can tell your own parents to shut up and not get involved, but it won’t have the same effect if you say that to your in-laws. On top of all of this, and my fellow IVF-ers will be able to understand, imagine being on iVF and living with your in-laws. I was doing that for 2 years and it was the worst period of my life. I don’t know how I survived it and a lot of friends who have been through IVF actually can not believe that I’m still married after all of that.
We have been living in a different place now (different state actually) for almost 6 months and absolutely love it. We see them once every couple of months and that’s more than enough. I cannot imagine going back EVER. Starting my IVF again this month and hopefully with a positive outcome. They have no idea we are doing it again and I am not planning to tell them until I get pregnant and can’t hide the bump anymore.
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I think moving in with your in-laws, into their turf, would be the hardest thing. Their household is set in it’s ways and you coming in and doing things differently doesn’t work. But then it’s not fair for you to have to feel like you have to do everything their way, because it’s meant to be your home too. Kudos to you for surviving it so long. Living in the same state as my in-laws was enough for me. I like them much better now we’ve moved.
Good luck with the IVF!
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Bec, congratulations on moving back to Brisbane. It will make such a difference to your life to be back amongst friends & family. I’ve not lived with a family member since I moved out of home & couldn’t as I’m from such a dysfunctional bunch! I agree with a lot of the below comments about discussing ground rules for how the house runs & so that the kids feel that they’re all treated fairly. And to make sure bills etc are split fairly as they’ll be four of ‘you’ but only two of ‘them’. I love the you’ll all be a big ‘us’ together, I think it’s a great idea & I hope it works very well for you all.
Once you’re settled, if you feel like you have any time for new friends sing out. I have a friend with a little boy your son’s age & 4yo daughter & I have a 4yo daughter too. We’re both into reading, when we can, & our daughters both start kindy this year. Good luck again!
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Hey – snap. I live in Adelaide with no support network too! Anyway re living with others. Who is the person that you bicker with the most and small things that they do can drive you craaaazy? I’m guessing it’s your husband…. only because you spend so much more time with him in your “comfort” place (home) than any other adult. So when it comes to living with other adults I would do it knowing that you are going to find out a lot of tiny little annoying irritating things about your sister-in-law and she you. Goodluck.
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I think it’s a fantastic idea! My husband and I moved in with my mum while be built a bigger house and by living with her for a year we were able to save enough to keep our smaller place and turn it into an investment property. Luckily my mum and hubby get on amazing and the whole situation has been great. We are always around to help each other and share things with each other. I highly recommend it. But a great tip I read below was to make sure that you all set ground rules, especially with paying bills, cooking and cleaning.
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Don’t do it ! My first wife & I moved in with my mother for a few months while we were getting back on our feet after a major upheaval. It was a disaster from beginning to end. That is why the term is “woman of the house” rather than “women of the house”.
You will have your ways of doing things. Your SIL will have hers. You will clash over trivial issues. I speak from what I have observed from others living in the same familial situations and my own experiences.
Just don’t do it !
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Based on the fact that I just had someone stay with me for seven weeks (was meant to be 5-7 days), my suggestion would be “DON’T!”. But clearly, you are, haha. So I would say, have a huge discussion at the beginning (while you’re still friendly lol) and lay out rules, everything from money/bills to groceries to chores to privacy to timeframes.
Is the arrangement intended just for you to save money or also for her to save as well? I think this is a big one, because you may unwittingly be expecting her to subsidise your efforts to save (I never understood this with people who move back in with their parents in order to save for a house – you’re basically just expecting your parents to subsidise your savings!). But if you’re both on the same track with living on a budget and saving together — great!
Good luck!
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I have recently moved away from my support network again because, frankly, I prefer it! There’s other reasons behind the move too.
I think it can be hard for family members to step away from their roles. I for one struggle to give up the big sister territory. My husband finds it hard to be an adult around his parents when they offer -well meant, kindly – advice. I found myself often saying ‘We already discussed this and decided it wouldn’t work, what’s changed?’
Living away there’s quite a freedom in only being responsible for your immediate family unit. You spend more time together, you value nights out because they don’t happen as often (we can afford an occasional babysitter, things might be different if we couldn’t). No one can offer an opinion unless you put it up for discussion. There’s less witnesses to your mistakes. You meet people in the same situation as you and become part of that community.
There’s drawbacks of course, but I’m living it and thinking positive!
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My in laws stayed with us for four months. Still repairing my marriage a year later!
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This is a great idea! My brother-in-law and his partner have lived with us twice over the last couple of years – the first time for 4 months and then they came back about a year later for another 3 months. We have a great support network but with two young children and my husband and I both working rather long hours it was awesome having the support network in the house!
Sharing cooking, cleaning and them helping out with the kids was awesome. There were times when it wasn’t all roses and both times once they moved out we were glad to have our space back. But while they were there I equally loved it.
As other people have mentioned setting the boundaries up front was important – especially in regards to the kids. For us we told our children that there were now 4 parents in the house, and we let my BIL and partner know how we parent our kids.
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Come to Sydney Bec! Live with meeeee! I’m fun and I always make sure there is plenty of Nutella on hand.
In all seriousness, this sounds like a win-win situation for all. And who doesn’t love a great green chicken curry. xxx
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It can absolutely work. You need:
*to meet together and discuss rules, payment, and chores
*to all be held accountable and even nominate one person to keep on top of you
*have crystal clear plans on how food is dealt with/divided
*decide whether you’ll be living as two separate families or one together.
I hope this helps!
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Hell yeah you’re doing the right thing. Parenting can be lonely and make you question your sanity… Bring on the support!
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Hell yeah you’re doing the right thing. Parenting can be lonely and make you question you’d sanity… Bring on the support!
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I love big, busy houses. So long as there are enough bathrooms to go around then the more the merrier. Whenever I’ve lived with just one person (partner or otherwise) it has always felt too quiet.
Make me go mental and start talking to the walls. My housemates are away this week and I’ve had to stop watching Game of Thrones because I can’t be that nervously excited about the show without someone to share it with.
My favourite nights are when everyone in the house has people over and we’re stuffed full to the brim but everyone joins in with each other’s activities and the house has that buzzing feeling.
Living with extended family, so long as you all get along – what a great idea! It’s that big coast house holiday feeling ALL THE TIME.
Am so glad you’re doing this Bec!
xx
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Bec – sounds wonderful
Hubby and I lived with my father-in-law for the first 10 months of our son’s life and having that extra pair of adult hands was stupidly awesome given I was a brand new mum who also trying to run a business AND a household.
I sometimes dream of buying a piece of land and building four houses so I can make a literal village with my parents and siblings! How cool would that be!
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My advice would be to set the ground rules upfront. And keep communication open.
If something is bothering you, as it invariably will, talk about it immediately and be open for her to do the same.
Especially regarding babysitting, you dont want anyone feeling resentful that they feel they are constantly minding the kids while the other one is having lots of childfree time.
As someone who does have a degree of family support, my friends who dont tend to have romantic fanatasies about how wonderful it would be to have family support on tap. I like to remind them that there is no such thing as a free lunch. It involves lots of give and take and navigating family dynamics often when you least expect it!
Good luck.
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Oh, Rebecca, it’s clear, this is a brilliant idea. Even if you could think of one problem that could arise, forget it now.
But…. this is what you are getting;
“Imagine the most awesome person you know and then times it by 100. That’s her. She’s easy going, great fun, not a slob and makes a mean Green Chicken Curry.”
What do you bring to the party?
When I read your story I thought of that joke up front. Then I sat back and read what I wrote and it got me thinking; it really has to be a two way street. Let me explain;
When you decide to do something like this everyone has to agree on certain standards. Standards of cleanliness, standards of television watching for the kids, standards or responsibilities, etc. YOu dig what I am saying?
You need to set some ground rules. You don’t have to go all Sheldon Cooper on each other (the housemate agreement), but you have to be on the same page with everyday things that might otherwise grate at you if the other party have lesser standards.
And if you are the one with lesser standards, if you are the not so tidy one, the not a great cook, the Dharma to their Greg, lift your game. Just for now. Just until you part company in this share house arrangement.
So I ask you once again, Bec; what do you bring to the party?
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I say go for it. I’m presuming that you and your sister in law are in the same generation, which would hopefully help you ‘get’ each other a bit better. I am currently living with my in laws (hubby’s parents) and would NOT recommend it. We were in a very similar situation to you, living in a far away state with no relatives within 3000km, we made great friends, but they had babies the same time as us, so we really did have no one to call on. We left our jobs and moved back. We are only living with them until we find a house to purchase, thank goodness!
Good luck with the move, Brisbane is lovely.
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This is tops! I’m sure you can all make it a win win win situation but like anything I’m sure there are going to have to be conversations about boundaries …I lived with my sister for the first 2 years of her daughter’s life and it worked well …mostly..except that at the end of that period there were some very difficult and emotional conversations about what we hadn’t been talking about the whole time. The stuff i had done that she felt had undermined her..the stuff I felt she’d done that had taken the piss. It’s probably better to hash some of that out first with scenario based stuff so when it comes up..there’s no swallowing down or spewing out emotion..there’s just..oh yeah we discussed that this might happen and here it is. Good luck – I’m sure it will all be FAB!! and who doesn’t love having a village?!
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I couldn’t move in with my in-laws, our relationship is good but I think moving in with them would destroy that relationship. We’ve had the offer (so that we can build a new house etc) but have resisted. They have a small four bedroom home, to a point where we would not be ablet to fit a double bed into whatever room they offered us and our kids would have to share a room (which is fine) but it’s right outside the kitchen/family room. As my in-laws are very loud people and tend to stay up late/get up super early it would mean minimal sleep for the kids. Also, living in a small four bedroom home with my MIL, FIL, BIL, plus my husband, me and two kids does not thrill me in any way, especially as we would be timed in the shower, use of toilet paper would be monitored, use of food would be monitored, as would the use of the phone, electricity, heating/cooling…no thanks.
That said, I could have my brother or brother-in-law live us with, no problem.
Though everyone’s different, it is definitely not for me.
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I think that could work brilliantly- my only comment (based on sharing holiday houses with girlfriends over many years) is make sure you discuss discipline so that you are on the same page, or at least agree on some basic tenets. Are you allowed tick her daughter off? Vice versa for her with your kids? Can you impose a time out (or whatever form of discipline you use) on her kid when your SIL is out? This is crucial stuff so no-one gets their noses out of joint!
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Absolutely and the same rules have to apply for all children. Its not fair if one child can, for example eat dinner while watching TV but you expect yours to sit at the table.
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Oooh yes- also true!!
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Best idea ever. I spent a two weeks in one house with 15 family members over Christmas and I left thinking “why don’t we do this all the time?”
Granted it was only two weeks… but still, nothing better than being with your tribe.
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you clearly have a great tribe Lucy – totes awse!
I couldn’t do it – divorced parents with issues….. no thanks! Would happily live with my sister and brother-in-law but no-one else!
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How fantastic for the kids to have someone else to play with. You may eveb have someone else to play shop with Ava! Win- win
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Bec, your idea is smarter than smart. Not just the house-sharing but moving back to somewhere you feel connected. The “small kids” stage can be hard and there’s no point compounding that by feeling isolated. Plus your kids will develop a relationship with their cousin that they’ll have forever. One point: just make sure everyone adheres to a no nudity policy.
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Bec, this sounds awesome. I would have loved living with Ex Mr W’s parents, I love them so much, I reckon I could live with them over my own mother!
I sincerely hope I’m lucky enough when I grow up to have in laws as awesome as they were. Just not a dickhead son like theirs is. LOL.
PS pretty excited you are coming back to Brisbane, Bec!
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I have a totally terriffic support network so I know how awful it would be to live without it. Every phone call, every pop in visit, every hug I can’t bear to miss.
I think it’s excellent that you have the option to move in with your sister in law and also to have a positive attitude from day one means you’ll be trying to work out the teething problems instead of having a meltdown over it. I think she will be great to live with – you’ll be posting all sorts of nasty things about her if she isn’t – and she knows this!
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