Colonics. Would you let a stranger put a hose in your pants?

I’ve done many things in the name of beauty but having colonic irrigation is not (yet) one of them. I have one particular friend (HELLO ZOE FOSTER) who swears by them. Swears, I tell you.

She recently wrote:

“I am an unashamed fan of colonics, to the point where I am one of those morons who feels it’s appropriate dinner (or lunch, or breakfast) talk, no matter the company. It’s bordering on evangelical. But with good reason: I am a firm believer colonics are one of the finest things you can do for your body, your skin and your overall health. But don’t take my word for it. Take my many words for it.

Before I tell you all the benefits, some background.

I am writing this post because colonics are one of my most fascinating conversation topics, if the criteria for a fascinating conversation is one that inspires the most interest, curiosity and follow-up from people I (often inappropriately) bring it up with. Sometimes I think, ‘Shitballs (sorry), I really must stop talking about poo all the time, it’s most unbecoming.’ But I can’t! The people want to know! The people want to know.

The colonic hydrotherapy I do is a closed system, meaning it’s absolutely not DIY, it’s all down via a big fancy machine and there is a therapist present to facilitate everything, and tell you what’s happening, and massage your tummy the whole way through and coach you through the painful parts and cheer you on when things are going swimmingly. (Sorry.)

Every colonic is different. For every person, and every time. If you’re very toxic (partying too hard, been traveling etc) then there’s a good chance your initial colonic(s) will be fairly unpleasant. That’s mostly because of the gas build up. And passing that stuff? Kinda feels like the worst period pain ever. But it will pass. (Literally! Zing!) There is an ENORMOUS difference between my initial colonics a few years back to now. Not only is my body used to it now, but I have changed my diet (no carbonated drinks, ever, for a start… save for the occasional champagne) and, well, I’ve shifted a lot of the longstanding build up, so it’s a much, uh, easier ride now. Can still hurt though when those gas bubbles come up. Makes you rethink wolfing down your food and helps you understand how you bloat. Makes a lot of sense.”

With a few exceptions, most of the people I know (like Zoe) who have actually had colonics love them, swear by them and try to persuade me to have them. I say N-to-the-O. And also: shut up, ain’t gonna happen. Still, in the interests of curiosity, I asked occasional MM contributor Lucy Brook to have a look at the whole concept of colonics and what’s involved. This is what she found out. Just the facts:

What is a colonic?

The slightly more invasive sister to detox diets and maple syrup cleanses, colonic hydrotherapy, sometimes called colonic irrigation, has experienced a resurgence since the early 2000s.

Thought to have originated in ancient Egypt, where medicos believed illness resulted from waste and toxin build up in the intestines, colonics is still hotly debated within the medical fraternity – many western practitioners argue there is no scientific data to support claims that the colon is dirty and needs ‘cleaning’.

The treatment uses warm water – about 25 litres, which is flushed gently into the colon via a disposable rectal tube (no fire hoses folks) – to soften and remove waste from the colon. There’s no smell, as expelled matter travels through a separate tube, but a heads up for the squeamish – most practitioners will inspect the waste with their patients for signs of candida (yeast overgrowth) or parasites. Good times.

What happens?

Generally, a full consultation and thorough health check with your practitioner will be scheduled before your colonic appointment – this is the time to flag any concerns or medical issues. Sessions usually last 45 minutes and almost always include an aromatherapy massage on your abdomen for the duration to help release stored tension and promote relaxation.

Practitioners swear the procedure doesn’t hurt, but a little discomfort and cramping as the water enters and is expelled is fairly typical. If you feel pain or distress it’s perfectly okay to ask to stop the treatment.

A series of treatments is usually recommended for best results – for example, the Colon Care Centre in Sydney advises 3-4 treatments over a three week period.

Need a visual?

What are the benefits?

Colonic converts report pleasing side-effects, such as glowing skin, bright eyes, a reduction in bloating and flatulence, weight loss and improved disposition. Some practitioners suggest hydrotherapy tones and hydrates the colon muscle, strengthens the immune system and speeds up the metabolism.

Is it safe? And is it really necessary?

Practitioners say the procedure is perfectly safe if performed by a trained professional. Your best bet for finding an expert? Visit the International Association for Colon Therapy, which lists qualified therapists from Australia and overseas.

Conversely, there is very little scientific evidence to support claims made about the health benefits of colonics. Some dieticians suggest that cleansing the colon can result in the loss of good bacteria, and a diet high in fibre combined with adequate fluids and regular exercise should be enough to keep the colon and bowel cruising along nicely. Medical professionals argue that the bowel and colon are capable of cleaning themselves, and much like detox programs marketed as “liver cleanses”, completely unnecessary. The colon and bowel are designed to eliminate toxins, not harbor them.

Who should avoid it?

Those with any of the following are advised against colon hydrotherapy – congestive heart failure, hypertension, aneurysm, severe anaemia, intestinal bleeding or perforation, colon cancer, recent surgery, inflammatory bowel conditions including crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, cirrhosis, abdominal hernia, fissure, fistula and severe hemorrhoids.

Women are usually discouraged from colonic hydrotherapy when pregnant, but a GP will advise whether it’s safe or not.

If you are unsure whether a colonic is appropriate for you, check with your GP or gastroenterologist.

Note: If you notice any changes in your bowel habits, see your local GP.

Thank you Lucy. I’m still not booking in for one. Are you?  Have you had a colonic ? Anything you feel you can share?  Are there any less invasive ways to clean your bowel? Gee, that’s a fun phrase to write: CLEAN YOUR BOWEL. Even better in caps.