<p> So let’s take a collective deep breath and calm down about Madonna. Mrs Ritchie may be a lot of things but a complete idiot she is not. So I’ve watched with growing astonishment over the past couple of weeks as the media has whipped itself into a hyperbolic frenzy. Does anyone really believe Madonna just woke up one morning and thought “Oh I’m bored. Shall I buy a new black bag from Armani or a new black baby from Malawi?” Seriously?
I reached my limit when I heard one moronic commentator insisting one-year-old David should have been left to live a happy life of contentment in his native Malawi. Oh yes. In an orphanage. With pneumonia and no one to cuddle him. Top idea, that one. Much better than becoming part of a loving family with unlimited access to immunisation, doctors, food, toys, education and cuddles.
As she confirmed in a statement mid-brou-ha-ha, Madonna and her husband began the adoption process "many months prior to our trip to Malawi," but had not disclosed their intentions publicly because she wished to keep the matter private. Gee, can’t imagine why she didn’t tell the world she was planning to adopt. We would have been so good about respecting her privacy and keeping a discreet distance.
Like the vast majority of couples who adopt from overseas, Madonna and her husband had battled infertility for a number of years as she tried to fall pregnant with her third child in her mid forties. We know this because she has been repeatedly photographed leaving fertility clinics and these pictures have appeared in magazines all over the world. And because her publicist mentioned it when she confirmed the adoption, referring to Madonna’s attempts to fall pregnant “the natural way” before embarking on adoption.
I imagine UK adoption laws are somewhat more complex than “pick a poor country and write a big cheque”. I do know that local adoptions here are virtually non-existent. A handful of babies are given up for adoption in Australia each year. If you are infertile or childless and you wish to become a parent via adoption, overseas is virtually your only option.
Over the past few years, I’ve had a small glimpse into the humbling world of adoption, cheering from the sidelines as close friends have adopted from overseas.
The process was extraordinarily thorough and intrusive – as it should be – to ensure they were physically, financially, emotionally and mentally suitable to become adoptive parents. They had to provide bank statements, medical certificates and character references. They had dozens of face-to-face interviews in their home, hours of counselling sessions, hundreds of phone calls and thousands of hours of paperwork. If only natural parents had to do a fraction of this work before getting pregnant, the rate of child abuse and neglect would be slashed.
When my friends arrived in China to collect their five-month old daughter last year, they briefly met her at the home of her foster carer. My friend had given the foster mother one of her t-shirts so the baby could sleep with it that night and get familiar with her smell.
The next day, they went to collect their daughter and after years of interviews and paperwork and waiting and hoping, quite suddenly she was in their arms and they were on the way to the airport. They had been warned that it would be a huge process of adjustment for their new baby as she found herself in an environment where everything was strange and foreign. Not just the people but the sounds, the smells, the language, the temperature, the light, the food…everything.
Following the advice of the adoption online community, they made sure there was no big fanfare at the airport for their return, no big welcome party at home. For the first five days she didn’t leave her new mother’s arms, even to sleep. And during those early weeks, the whole family stayed cloistered away at home, bonding and helping their daughter settle in. An unimaginable luxury for Madonna’s new son David.
“Our trip home was stressful enough,” my friend said when I asked her about Madonna. “I can’t begin to imagine doing all that with a thousand flashbulbs going off in your face and photographers waiting outside your door. Every time I look at a shot of that terrified little boy under a coat being rushed through the airport, I want to slap those photographers.”
When my friends emerged from seclusion into the wider world with their beautiful, bouncing, happily adjusted daughter, the reaction was unmistakable. “People stare,” says my friend. “You can see the thought process as they register how she looks and how we look. Most people work it out but quite a few actually ask ‘ Is she your baby?’ I always reply very proudly ‘Yes, this is our daughter.’ Occasionally, someone will then say ‘ But she’s Asian!’ As if we haven’t noticed. Interestingly, it’s only Asian people who ever say that.”
On her first birthday, my friends threw their daughter a big birthday party with a traditional Chinese theme. Among the guests were the adoption community in their area, a dozen couples with babies of similar age, born overseas and perfectly at home with their new families. In their speech, my friends paid an emotional tribute to their daughter’s parents, acknowledging what a bittersweet, painful day this must be for them back in China and honouring them for the extraordinary gift they’d bestowed in putting up their precious daughter up for adoption. She may be a superstar but I’m sure Madonna feels the same way.