Recently I admitted something to myself that deep down I have probably always known; I have an eating disorder. After years of purging, excessive exercise, extreme diets and obsessive thinking I finally reached a tipping point where I realised my behaviour was neither normal nor healthy – in fact it was significantly impacting my relationships, physical health and overall wellbeing.
As someone who has an extensive family history of mental illness, has supported friends and family through difficult times and has even promoted initiatives in the workplace to remove the stigma surrounding mental health, it seems ridiculous to now admit that I have been battling a cycle of bulimic and anorexic behaviours for years. Surely, someone who has a high awareness of the importance of mental health would be able to recognise that forcing themself to throw up every meal is a huge red flag!?
Alas, no. Sure, I saw the signs. I felt the anxiety build in my chest every time someone suggested a spontaneous meal out when I had already carefully planned my meals down to the last calorie for that week. I heard myself making excuse after excuse to run to the bathroom constantly in order to purge, I developed strategies for declining food at every opportunity (citing extensive dietary requirements and intolerances) but I never actually viewed myself as sick. I never saw my “healthy lifestyle” as being an obsession that was controlling my entire existence.
On reflection I can’t honestly remember a time when I wasn’t on a diet. I don’t remember a meal out that didn’t involve either purging, justifying every mouthful or making excuses not to consume food. I barely remember a time when my life wasn’t coordinated around my workout schedule, where I didn’t feel obliged to exercise at least twice a day in an attempt to counteract my (minimal) food intact.
Top Comments
You're very brave to write this. I have struggled with anorexia, then bulimia and now have atypical anorexia. I lost 15 kg, going from a size 10 to a size 4-6. I should have stopped at 10, but my perfectionism, the praise from other people and the fact that I couldn't actually believe the grit and hard work paid off meant I kept going. After 18 months of physical deprivation of nutrients, the raging 'head games' that you've described and adrenal fatigue - I almost lost my job - I finally got the help I needed. It was only when I got to being suicidal that I did and when I realised the cost to my husband's happiness and our marriage. It is a hard road, I'm only part of the way there. But, keep going. It's worth it. You can live a normal life. I have days that are almost normal sometimes. You will as well. My friend, can I encourage you to celebrate every small step. When I transitioned from 'healthy weight loss' to 'unhealthy, addictive behaviour' was when I stopped celebrating where I'd come from and how far I'd come in the right direction. If you get those couple of people you've told to celebrate with you, they'll help keep you going and celebrating the tough, healthy choice you'll make. All the best xx
Thank you for sharing this. It's so so brave. I also have an eating disorder but don't 'look like it' in addition to another mental illness. It's a secret shame of mine that only a few select people know about. I really appreciate your honestly and understand how difficult it is to 'come out' as such.