We’ve been sold a (phallic) fallacy, you guys.

Shower sex is never as sexy or glamorous as it looks in the movies – or in porn. (Sorry, it was NSFW for me to provide you with examples.)

It’s something Samantha X, former escort and Mamamia’s sex expert on the Sealed Section podcast, feels very strongly about.

“The one thing I never ever did was have showers with people,” she said on this week’s episode.

“One person always gets cold. I never wanted to get my hair wet. I hate doing it.”

Samantha X talks about why shower sex is the worst. Post continues after…

Samantha X is not the only woman to express these concerns. It’s a universally acknowledged fact that no matter how horny, or new to a relationship you are, or drunk… sex in the shower is usually the absolute worst.

Here’s some other reasons why:

I'd happily keep this elf warm. Source: Pinterest

Then there are the unique issues that come when you have shower sex as a parent: sometimes the only time you get to yourself is in the shower - so do you really want your mate in there with you?

And then there are the times when you are deep in the throes of passion and you notice the Kids-R-Sudsy bottle of shampooyou just freaking bought is upside down and leaking its contents and how many times do you have to tell the kids to stop doing that?!

This is, of course, if you take the risk in the first place, because shower sex is hard to do quietly in echoey bathrooms. Especially if you accidentally step on that god damn squeaky Henry the Octopus.

If you're exhausted reading our non-exhaustive list of shower sex problems, take heart with this: the last thing we all know to be absolutely true about shower sex?

It is so much better when you're alone.