Former escort Samantha X, on what all women know to be true about shower sex.

We’ve been sold a (phallic) fallacy, you guys.

Shower sex is never as sexy or glamorous as it looks in the movies – or in porn. (Sorry, it was NSFW for me to provide you with examples.)

It’s something Samantha X, former escort and Mamamia’s sex expert on the Sealed Section podcast, feels very strongly about.

“The one thing I never ever did was have showers with people,” she said on this week’s episode.

“One person always gets cold. I never wanted to get my hair wet. I hate doing it.”

Samantha X talks about why shower sex is the worst. Post continues after…

Want to hear to more?  Listen to Sealed Section in iTunes, Android or on Mamamia.

Samantha X is not the only woman to express these concerns. It’s a universally acknowledged fact that no matter how horny, or new to a relationship you are, or drunk… sex in the shower is usually the absolute worst.

Here’s some other reasons why:

  1. You will fight about water temperature.
  2. Someone will get water up their nose and/or gag.
  3. No matter how wet water is, it is not a lubricant.
  4. Wet friction is painful.
  5. Most people don’t feel their sexiest when they look like a drowned rat: so catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror can be an instant buzzkill.
  6. Fluorescent lighting.
  7. Height difference between the two (or more) of you becomes genuinely problematic.
  8. Doing anything on your knees is not uncomfortable – it’s torture. Which makes oral sex challenging because tiled surfaces are unforgiving.
  9. At some point, you will notice too much about the shower. Hair in the drain. Mould on the shower head. Creating a domestic to do list isn’t conducive to sexy thoughts.
  10. Slippery surfaces mean there’s nothing to hang on to, and slipping over in a distinctly un-sexy move is a clear and present danger.
  11. Soaps and suds sting: in eyes, and other places…and they taste crap, too.
  12. You are wasting water. Suddenly, you will remember all the times you have yelled at other family members to keep things short, and think of the utility and bill…and look-y what we have here: an H2O Hypocrite.
  13.  The hot water will run out: if you last that long.
  14.  You discover the hard way that your favourite sex toy that promised it was waterproof is, in fact, not.
I'd happily keep this elf warm. Source: Pinterest

Then there are the unique issues that come when you have shower sex as a parent: sometimes the only time you get to yourself is in the shower - so do you really want your mate in there with you?

And then there are the times when you are deep in the throes of passion and you notice the Kids-R-Sudsy bottle of shampoo you just freaking bought is upside down and leaking its contents and how many times do you have to tell the kids to stop doing that?!

This is, of course, if you take the risk in the first place, because shower sex is hard to do quietly in echoey bathrooms. Especially if you accidentally step on that god damn squeaky Henry the Octopus.

If you're exhausted reading our non-exhaustive list of shower sex problems, take heart with this: the last thing we all know to be absolutely true about shower sex?

It is so much better when you're alone.