Content warning: What you’re about to read contains graphic details of female masturbation that are 100 per cent NSFW. If that’s not your cup of tea – or if your co-workers can see your computer – proceed with caution.
“I rub my index finger in precise, circular motions – just like this – before I tap, tap, tap,” Sidney shows me as she lays back on the bed in a long-sleeved pink top, legs spread, pleasuring herself.
She has a spattering of beige freckles on her hands, her nails clipped short but neat. That’s how up close and personal the instructional videos on OMGYES are. But I digress.
I first heard of OMGYES when Emma Watson spoke of her experience using the website that came recommended to her by a friend back in 2016.
“I wish it had been around longer,” she said in conversation about female sexuality with Gloria Steinem.
Describing itself as “lifting the veil on women’s sexual pleasure,” OMGYES is an instructional website dedicated to exploring the different ways that women find pleasure.
At the time, it piqued my interest. I’ve always wanted to know more about the female orgasm. Since my ‘first time’ in the upstairs room of our holiday house with my equally ‘uneducated’ high-school boyfriend, I’ve secretly wondered if the orgasms I have are the orgasms.
You know, the ones that have women yelling, begging even, and rolling over with smug looks on their faces. But shame, and maybe a bit of embarrassment stopped me from pursuing these thoughts any further. Until now.
For the last few days – well, nights if we’re being specific – I took OMGYES for a test drive to see if it might actually be the key to unlocking the door to magical, earth shattering orgasms.
Here’s how it went down…
The first thing to note is OMGYES is not an app. It's kind of hard to describe it in any other way, but it's actually an online portal. Rather than paying a monthly subscription for access, it costs a one-off fee of $49 for lifetime access to your own private login details.
With those, you get 12 'modules' containing 62 short videos and 11 touchable videos.
Yes, touchable. But more on that in a bit.
Now, this is where things get a bit... confronting. Because when I logged in to get started on the first module, I wasn't expecting to see not one, but three real life, up close vaginas. And not pictures - actual video footage of an actual woman masturbating.
Based on research combining the collective wisdom of over 2,000 women aged 18-95 (95!!!), OMGYES discovered and named 12 techniques women use to achieve longer, more satisfying orgasms.
From 'edging' and 'hinting' to surprise' and 'layering', these techniques are explained in great detail, using explanation AND demonstration videos from multiple women to show the user how to try them on themselves.
For example, in module one, three very nice ladies - Amber, Zoey and Sidney - showed me how they use different variations of 'edging' to get off. And I learned things, like that Amber, along with 35 per cent of the women surveyed, uses the pause method by removing all touch just before orgasm, and repeating this two to three times.
Zoey is one of the 36 per cent for which the distracting method works best, which involves 'distracting' your orgasm by touching other areas right before climax. And, well, you already know what Sidney likes.
After watching all of the instructional videos in somewhat discomfort - both in mind and down below - OMGYES then prompted me to 'try it for myself'. And by 'try', I mean literally try out the motions and techniques by rubbing your fingers on a virtual vagina that has the ability to tell you to 'slow down' and 'speed up'.
It was... very... weird. But not at all sexual. For me, I found it more like studying for an exam - going over all the materials and notes and having a crack at the practice questions before the final test.
But how is a website full of videos of women masturbating not sexual, you ask?
Because it's scientific. There is nothing sexual about OMGYES, aside from the acts themselves. It's about research and analysis.
There are charts and graphs, and detailed instructions on precisely 'how' to touch 'where'. And yes, there are very confronting images and footage of vaginas that made me feel more uncomfortable than I thought they would.
Not because I've never seen one. But because I've never seen one quite like this. Except for, well, my own.
These vaginas have hair. They have small red bumps and a stray ingrown hair from shaving. They aren't smooth and they don't gush. There's no moaning or screaming. No 'yeah baby's or 'harder's.
They don't judge or make you feel pressured that you should feel a certain way when you do a certain thing, but merely show you, albeit in very graphic details, what it feels like when 'she' does it, and the science behind why.
What makes OMGYES different to the million and one orgasm blueprints, sex workshops, and even porn, is that it's made for her. For us. For my pleasure. Not a one-size-fits all 'G spot map' made by a straight man for other straight men, but a library of techniques used by women that might work for you.
And now to answer your biggest question... did it help me, well, orgasm?
There was no tidal wave tsunami explosion sending shock waves through my neighbourhood on a quiet, suburban Tuesday night. But that's not really the point of OMGYES. The point is to try new things.
That, I did. Some worked, some not so much. And for some, it's too soon to tell.
For that reason, I'll continue to use OMGYES. I would even recommend it to my partner, friends, sister, mum.. OK maybe not my mum.
You can find out everything you need to know about OMGYES on their website.
Have you tried OMGYES? What did you think, would you recommend?
LISTEN: You can catch Mia Freedman's interview with famous escort, Samantha X on No Filter below...