real life

An open letter to whoever the hell thought share bikes were a good idea.


Share bikes are one of the worst things to have happened to me personally and I shan’t be putting up with it any longer.

Yesterday, I walked past a bike with not one but two horrifically bent wheels (… how tho?), hanging half out of a tree and yelled at it, “WHAT NOW, BIKE? DO YOU EVEN STILL QUALIFY AS ‘BIKE’? HOW DID YOU GET UP THERE? WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY ARE YOU, PLS? DO YOU PLAN ON JUST SITTING THERE, LOOKING PATHETIC FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY?”

The thing that upsets me most about share bikes is that someone once thought they were a good idea. 

“You know what we should do?” a person once said. “Have bikes that belong to no one but also everyone. For a small price that in no way covers the actual cost of a bike, they can cycle wherever they like, and then dump the bike on the street, or in the middle of the road, the details don’t matter. I think this business model will really bring out the best in people.”

Narrator: It did not bring out the best in people. 

Here’s everything that’s wrong with share bikes. Post continues below. 

Whoever pitched this abomination of an idea overlooked a universal human truth: People ruin things and they don’t even know why.

You see, share bikes are a lot like communism, only much worse.

They belong to a utopian future defined by a classless world order where people inherently respect public property. But that premise is expecting far too much of people.

Erect a public monument and someone will piss on it.

Commission some street art and someone will come along with a can of spray paint and draw a dick on it.

Hell, I was walking to work one day and spotted a human poo on a doorstep.

Leave a share bike on a bike track and someone will light it on fire and then use the remains to irreperably damage a public bubbler.

It’s not something any of us should be proud of. But it’s a reality a goddamn yellow bike isn’t going to change.


and that’s a wrap ???????? ???? @dan_melburn

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What is most disappointing is that share bikes worked in Singapore. They revolutionised how people travel.

But in Australia, there is something wrong with us.

We destroy things that are shared for precisely no reason and we’re sorry but also we would most definitely do it again.

When the bikes are left out in the rain, which they inevitably are, they RUST. And then they no longer WORK.

Furthermore, none of them are accompanied by a helmet, which is lucky because I just so happen to carry one in my handbag always.

Everytime I see a share bike, and I can feel it looking back at me with its stupid basket and mangled front wheel, I mutter under my breath, “You have given all bikes a bad name, and will go down in history as one of the worst inventions of all time.”

If you want a bike, it looks like you’re going to have to buy one, because unfortunately, the ‘Humans Are Shit’ principle seems unlikely to change anytime soon.

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