“Those stupid oBikes are f**king everywhere,” my boyfriend said as we walked back from Sunday brunch.
“The O-whats?” I asked.
It was October. AKA a simpler time. AKA AKA a time before yellow bikes haunted my dreams.
He pointed to an oBike, strewn across a nature strip. One hundred metres down the road, there was another oBike. This time it was in a tree. Out the front of our house, an oBike lay limply against a fence. So sad and defeated and lost and alone – like a rejected man who had his heart trampled on, but, you know, the bike version of that.
LISTEN: The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss everything that’s wrong with oBikes. Post continues below.
… what? the? f**k?
From that point forward, my world was forever changed. These freaking yellow oBikes were suddenly… everywhere. On top of buildings. Out the front of my work. Floating down the Yarra River. On my tram. In my bed (not literally, but also basically).
For those who haven’t been personally victimised by a yellow bike yet, let me explain: oBikes were rolled out in Melbourne and Sydney in winter, and have a cool function where users can ‘pick them up and drop them off’ wherever they please. All people need to do is unlock their oBike by downloading the app, fork out $1.99 per 30 minutes, and cycle off into the sunset (or, if you’re in Melbourne, probably the rain. Then the sunset. Then the rain again).
Make no mistake: We are not the first country to have oBikes. These things have actually become the “Number one global dockless bike sharing platform” in the world. Singapore loves them! Germany loves them! Malaysia loves them! Britain and Sweden and the Netherlands and Austria and Taiwan and Thailand and Belgium and Korea freaking bloody love them!
But Australia? Oh… uh… well… our mates threw all our oBikes in public toilets and then posted photos on Twitter.
“Pick ’em up and drop ’em off wherever we bloody well like?” Tommo and Jimbo and Ando asked. “Alrighty moite. If you say so.”
Australia, this is why we can’t have nice things.
RIP oBikes. We’re so sorry for failing you. So, so sorry.
You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here.
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