"This vagina tool gave me better skin than any product I've ever used."

Have you ever tried a new product that is just SO DAMN GOOD you simply have to tell everyone about it? 

Because that’s me. Me right now. 

I’ve only been using this thing for seven days (who’s counting?) but where has it been all my life!? I’m not even kidding when I say that every single day I’ve applied it, people have stopped me in the streets to ask what’s on my skin. 

Apparently, I’m that aglow!

Watch: Three steps to glowing skin with Leigh Campbell. Post continues below.

This, my friends, is a game changer! A cutting edge beauty tool, utilising pioneering technology resulting in immediate and impressive results. It literally has me screaming with excitement (sorry neighbours!) and I guarantee you heard it here first...

Introducing the Satisfyer Pro 2: a sleek rose gold massager which creates a vacuum against the skin, then uses a combination of intense pressure waves and tingling pulsation to stimulate the surface. It’s a fraction of the cost of many top of the line vibrating facial massagers at only $60 including shipping. Plus, it’s rechargeable, fully submersible... and the first day I used it I climaxed EIGHT. TIMES.

YES. You did read that correctly. 

Eight.

Times. 

Now lemme come at you with a bit of context. Somewhere, somehow, in the vast wastelands of the internet I came across a review for this thing where the author claimed it was THIS same sucker that revealed to her she could squirt. Make no mistake - this wasn’t what sold it. 

As much as I love clean bedsheets, I bloody hate changing them. But it certainly piqued my curiosity, and between you and me I was getting to the point where I was about to wrap my p***y up in tinfoil and pop it in the fridge, since nobody was eating it. 

So I ordered one! It would have been rude not to. Then immediately cursed myself for not forking out for express shipping when I realised it wouldn’t arrive in time for the weekend. Still. It was something to look forward to for next week. Patience my love, patience...

Cut to next week and ermagherd it’s heeeere! I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. I went directly to my room and prepared myself for a full-blown session dinging the devil's doorbell. I popped the little suction cup over my clit and the combo of negative pressure and epic pulsation was immediately unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. 

Less than sixty seconds in, the first wave hit me like a truck. Then another minute later, the next. With traditional toys (the rampant rabbit et al.) I’d come to the conclusion that multiple orgasms were nothing but mere myth, with the direct vibration proving wayyyy too intense to carry on with after the initial “hurrah”. But with this one, while it totally surrounds your fun button it never actually touches it, meaning I could keep on keeping on, for the duration of my orgasm, and all (seven!!) subsequent.

And boy did it give a good high. I’d seen stars. Gone to other galaxies. I had an epic cramp in the arch of my foot. I felt limitless and deliciously up-to-no-good. With the wind all up in my sails, I sacked my deadlines off and went AWOL to the beach for the rest of the working day.  

Mood boosted, skin dewy, a pulled muscle in my arse cheek and a mischievous glint in my eye, I couldn’t help but think... cosmetic shade names like ‘orgasm’ and ‘deep throat’ (thank you, NARS!) surely mean that a freshly f***ed flush is covetable, so why aren’t we touting the scientifically backed benefits behind the real deal?

Image: Supplied.

I’m no sexpert - but I do know one thing, and one thing only: If you’re not keeping one of these permanently plugged in at your bedside, you simply aren’t living your best life! 

Provisionally Registered Psychologist Julia L. Clare shared that after deciding to take 15 minutes of each day to devote to her own pleasure, her entire perspective and the way she perceived herself changed. After committing to at least one orgasm every day, she found that the self-esteem and body image issues she had experienced in the past shifted and she began to fall in love with herself. 

“Orgasm achieved through clitoral stimulation releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin, which can help regulate hormone impairments caused by stress, relieve pain, help with bonding (be that with yourself or your partner) and aid relaxation.”

So there you have it. A multitude of benefits in addition to s**t hot skin. So go ahead, butter that muffin! Do a Meg Ryan! Paddle the pink canoe! Love yourself, and everything else will fall into place. 

And because more is more, here are my FAVE products for achieving a recently rogered radiance.

Natasha Denona Face Glow Foundation, $65.

Image: Supplied.

Woah, resting b*tch face! Prior to using this, I was an IT Cosmetics Illuminating CC Cream kinda girl. But my shade (light) was ALWAYS sold out, it felt a bit thick and never lasted longer than half a day. I was already in the market for a new one when my friend Georgia came over, and I couldn’t help but compare her to a vampire from Twilight - shimmering and sparkling in the sun. I basically told her she couldn’t leave until she divulged exactly what was on her face. 

It was this, and I’m a convert. The consistency is quite thin but that’s a massive plus. It means you can cover a greater area with less product compared to the IT CC and it feels like a sheer veil (with medium coverage) that beautifully air-brushes your own skin, rather than hiding it. It’s also buildable, so when your period pimples have finished setting up shop on your face, you can add a bit more to show them who’s boss.

Flower Shimmer & Strobe Highlighting Palette, $7.99.

Image: Supplied.

No, that’s not a prison or a public toilet. Those delightful tiles are in my bathroom! But once you’ve moved past them, please take a few minutes to notice that my highlighter is brighter than my future.

Flower Beauty is one of my favourite brands, with their Miracle Matte Liquid Lip in Crimson Touch fly-kicking Mac’s Russian Red off the pedestal I’d kept it on for the last 15 years. This palette has three shades. If I had to describe them I’d say a pearly taupe, a peachy pink and a pale gold. That not only means you can beam up any skin tone, but also every part of your face and decolletage. 

I use the taupey boy under my brow, along the bridge and tip of my nose, lil’ pink dabbed on my cupid's bow, just along my jawline and goldilocks on my cheekbones, collarbones and shoulder tips. I previously swore by the Huda Beauty 3D Highlighter Palette, but this one is $70 cheaper and just as good. Bye!

Trilogy Bakuchiol+ Booster Treatment, $39.95.

Image: Supplied.

So, you’ve heard of retinol, yeah? Vitamin A which neutralises free radicals, boosts elastin and collagen, encourages cell turnover and plumps skin, reducing the appearance of pores, fine lines and wrinkles? Well, this is its cousin, Baki!

She lives in Byron Bay, practices yoga, brews her own kombucha and has a big old hairy bush. She is 100 per cent au naturel, so totally pregnancy and breastfeeding safe and harnesses the potent powers of 4 per cent bakuchiol, plant squalane, omega rich hemp, rosehip and meadowfoam to produce a super silky, super oil which is my current ride or die. 

According to the packaging instructions you should apply two to three drops for “two weeks or until finished”. Paging Trilogy! And then what? Can you keep using it after two weeks? This is magic, I wanna keep going.

Andalou Naturals CannaCell Glow Mask, $24.99.

Image: Supplied.

Yeah, look. When it comes to this brand, the Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Mask and the 1000 Roses Rosewater Mask seem to get all the love. But I’m sick of it, and frankly, shan’t be putting up with it anymore!

I don’t know what to tell you - other than this botanical jelly mask is incredible and you should definitely try it. I’m not gonna lie though... it kinda stings. Actually, it stings quite a lot. 

But that’s because it contains powerful enzymes that dissolve dry surface cells so you can look like a newborn once you’ve washed it off. I don’t know about you, but I actually like my products with a bit of warmth! That’s how I know they’re not slacking off on the job. I compare it to that time I tried pilates. Once it stopped hurting I no longer felt like it was ‘working’, therefore I ceased to enjoy it. Feel the burn and get the glow. I promise you won’t regret it.

Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb All-Over Diamond Veil, $60.

Image: Supplied.

Called the bomb, IS THE BOMB. This is it guys, this one right here.

 The ideal skin of our times is defined by texture and I feel like for a long while now that texture has been... damp? Cast your mind across recent trends and you’ll note they all have something in common: ‘Dolphin Skin’, ‘Glass Skin’, ‘Dewy Skin’, ‘Salmon Skin’... ok, I made that last one up. But a luminous, iridescent, crystal clear visage is in vogue rn.

You wanna be slick, like an otter, slippery, like an eel. But never, ever greasy. This hyper-radiant, oh-so-sparkly, dazzling diamond dust is SO blinding I’ve not yet had the balls to wear it out during the day. But for a girls' night or simply when you need your cheekbones to be visible from outer space, Rihanna’s got your back. 

The Body Shop Vitamin C Glow Revealing Liquid Peel, $35. 

Image: Supplied.

Those little white blobs on my face and fingers? THAT’S MY YUCKY OLD SKIN! I’ll admit that up until recently I hadn’t set foot in The Body Shop since I was about 12, when me and my old mate Holly used to go in there to spritz ourselves with all the sprays.

But when I caught wind that they had this product that literally made your face come off in your hands, call me sick - but I wanted it. A couple of pumps of this exfoliating gel massaged into dry skin immediately yields squidgy little globules of nasty old crap that the rest of your routine has failed to rid. 

Because I simply COULD NOT believe it to be true - suspecting it must just be the product balling up - I did it again, and to my utter amazement, no balls! Hot tip: use before a shower. Nothing worse than getting to da club and finding bits of last week’s face clinging to your neck.

And if you want my professional advice, all of the above products work best when mixed with 1-8 daily orgasms. Go forth and masturbate!

Read more from Carly:

• I overloaded on skincare actives and gave myself a chemical burn.

Check out more stories from the You Beauty Collective, where our beauty community talks all things skincare, makeup and more. 

Feature image: Supplied.