dating

ASK RACHEL CORBETT: 'I lied on my dating profile and now my new girlfriend doesn't trust me.'

Hello and welcome to my new monthly advice column where I’m going to use my non-existent expertise to solve people’s problems! This month, we’ve got a doozy from Lisa…

Lisa’s question: 

I’ve been online dating for a while now. Recently, I joined Bumble just for fun. I didn’t expect to meet anyone or that anything would happen. But… I did meet someone, and we hit it off really well. Until a few days ago when she asked me when my birthday was. So I told her. Her response was, “On your Bumble profile it says that you’re a Virgo.” (I am a Pisces). I told her that I lied on my profile, and explained that I wasn’t taking it seriously. I also lied about my age online, which I also told her and really, my real age is only a year older.

That led to her saying that she no longer trusts me because there are inconsistencies in what I have been telling her. Her whole demeanour changed and she completely dismissed everything that has happened between us.

I feel like I am going a bit crazy because I personally don’t think I did anything wrong. I didn’t deliberately lie to her. Yes, my profile wasn’t the whole truth but I explained that it was because I wasn’t taking it seriously, and my explanation went unnoticed.

Am I wrong to think that this is not my fault? Do you think that I misled her? I did tell the truth when she asked, and my birth year is honestly only a year older than my profile, but she acted as though I aged 10 years?

Rachel Corbett’s answer: 

Oh Lisa, I’m afraid in the perilous world of online dating where everyone is just waiting to be screwed over you’ve broken the unbreakable rule… don’t lie on your dating profile.

I appreciate it was only a white lie but the size of the lie doesn’t really matter when you’re getting to know someone. In some ways, the fact you shifted your age by only a year makes it even more confusing because it’s hard to understand why you’d lie about something like that (Unless being a Pisces isn’t sexy? Eek! As a Piscean this would be good info for me to know). Unfortunately, if it’s hard for someone to understand the reason behind a lie, they might read it as you thinking the truth isn’t important.

The other thing, of course, is that a lot of people take dating apps seriously because it feels like the only avenue available to meet someone. Saying “I wasn’t really taking it seriously” might make them feel like they’re silly for taking it seriously and maybe that made her feel foolish?

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I get that it sucks because you really liked this girl but it’s a good lesson in the perils of not being honest. You know who you are as a person but she can only make decisions on the basis of what you’ve shown her and when you don’t have a lot of history, little things become a lot more important.

Right now, you say you feel like you’ve been misjudged but if you peek under that feeling there’s probably some regret there and the only way to fix regret is to get into a DeLorean and re-write history.

Listen to Mamamia’s new dating podcast, Eligible, where you get to know someone BEFORE you see what they look like. Host Rachel Corbett chats to Bushra this week. Post continues after video. 

Since we’re a few years off time travel being a thing I’m afraid you’re stuck with the reality that you just need to let the crappy feeling sink in, learn from your mistake and (hopefully) never do it again.

In the meantime, don’t let yourself get stuck in thinking this person was ‘the one’ and if you hadn’t lied you’d be on the road to your happily ever after. If she was the one it would have worked out so slap yourself on the wrist, learn from the experience and be honest from now on.

If you’re still in contact I’d suggest sending her a message saying you understand why it affected her and that, while you never meant any harm, you can appreciate why it may have made her doubt you. It might not lead to a reconciliation but admitting you stuffed up is a strong and attractive quality. It doesn’t just validate someone else’s feelings – it can help you feel better about how you dealt with the situation and make it easier to move on.

Don’t let this little hiccup lead you to doubt yourself or others. Just pick up your heart, dust it off and next time be 100% honest. The right person for you will dig you for exactly who you are.

If you’ve got a question you’d like me to answer send us a DM via our Instagram @mamamiaaus.

This article originally appeared in Rachel Corbett’s monthly newsletter. You can subscribe right here. You can also follow Rachel on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

Feature image: Instagram/@_rachelcorbett

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