real life

'I matched with my ex on Tinder while we were getting divorced. It was the hottest sex ever.'

Our marriage broke down for the usual reasons; he wanted more sex, I wanted more conversation. If only it was as simple as that. 

But sex was a huge issue, along with it intimacy and I am sure I am not alone in this. So after he left, I decided to explore my sexuality, to see if I was as cold a fish as I had been accused of. 

There was a time I loved sex but it was always tinged with the shame that I think a lot of my generation felt – we were the ones who straddled the divide of sexual freedom while also constantly being asked when we were going to settle down. 

Watch: Relationship deal breakers. Post continues below.


Video via Mamamia.

I had been around a few blocks by the time I did get married, so it was not as if I was a virgin, but it certainly feels like you are one again after two decades of monogamy and sex, like everything, moves with the times. 

Fuelled by Shiraz and lots of photo filters, I cobbled together a vaguely amusing bio, my best angles and started swiping. Men and women because why not? 

Seeing my husband’s profile on Tinder wasn’t a surprise. I knew he had been exploring his options for a while by then. At first my stomach dropped as it did when I found out he cheated on me but then I thought, why not, and swiped right. It was an immediate match. 

Interesting...  that damn Shiraz. 

All of a sudden, my ex and I had a neutral space that we could chat on, impersonal and distant from our real life. 

It wasn’t our bedroom full of resentful landmines, the kitchen full of polite silences, it wasn’t our mundane, busy marriage.  It allowed us to finally open up, explore and actually talk about sex without it turning into an argument - something that had hindered our intimacy for almost a decade. 

In our emails and Whatsapps and text messages we never referred to our Tinder life. This just added to the excitement and the feeling of security that we could say what we wanted. 

We did things together that were never possible in the stilted silence of a stale marriage. We spoke about sexual preferences, things we wanted to try, things we had enjoyed with previous lovers – things we should have discussed as a dating couple never mind a married one. For so many reasons we never did.

We went into our marriage with repressions and hang ups and secrets and regrets and the inability to truly open up to each other. Looking back on it, it’s surprising the marriage lasted as long as we did.

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We planned hook ups. He came over when the kids were at school or I went over to his place for ‘lunch’ on a weekend. We met up in various settings that had nothing to do with us and our lives. It was hot and uncomplicated, sex toys and kink and fantasies played out, we laughed a lot. And afterwards moved on with our separate lives with none of the recriminations of unmet needs and expectations. 

We were not monogamous, and that was not always easy. I heard about his swipes and he heard about mine, we compared notes, chats and date details. It became competitive, boundary-pushing, a turn on and a turn off, a heartbreaking, unhealthy affair. An esteem boosting sexy sad end to a marriage that we both knew could have been a great one. 

We became closer as a separated couple than when we were married, passionately kissing in stolen moments during drop offs, knowing glances when passing at school functions. In the end he found a relationship and I realised I didn't want to be the other woman, so our fun ended. 

But I am not sad about that. I walked away from my fling with my husband with a much more confident sexuality, confidence in my body, no regrets, a lot of great memories and a clearer picture of what I will or won’t do in bed or out of it.

There are a lot of married and partnered people all over these dating sites. 

Some admit being committed, others do not. 

Maybe marriage and commitment are archaic, but I think that it is true intimacy and conversation that’s the dying art. Maybe we should just talk to our significant others more about sex and sexuality. Take the leap; you may find you have more in common than you think. 

An open marriage or relationship may even work for both of you if it’s done respectfully and honestly. It is far less destructive than divorce, far more respectful than cheating. Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain anyone? 

Feature Image: Getty.

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