sex

"I tried healing my vagina with a crystal dildo and here's what the orgasm felt like."

My vagina needs rebalancing.

At least, that’s what the makers of the crystal dildo I’ve just received would have me believe.

Partly out of curiosity, partly out of sheer scandalisation, I’ve bought myself a new, very expensive adult plaything. Purporting to “balance the chakras and ignite sensual energy”, my rose quartz wand has set me back a neat $238 from Chakrubs (Aussie brand Rosie Rees also sells similar wands for $144 – $189). That’s more than the cost of two vibrators, so, I’m expecting big things.

Crystal healing therapy has been popular with hipsters and New Age types since the 1970s, but it’s only recently ventured into the sex industry, partly thanks to celebrity advocate Gwyneth Paltrow, who started espousing the benefits of putting crystal eggs in her vajayjay a couple of years ago and selling them on her website, Goop. Despite copping fines to the tune of $145,000USD after an investigation found the brand was unable to back up its claims the eggs balance hormones and regulate menstruation, crystal sex products have remained popular ever since. In fact, there’s been a 40 per cent increase in Google searches for “crystal healing” products in the last four years, and it’s not entirely illogical as to why.

 

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Unlike standard silicone toys, which degrade over time and contain chemicals, crystal toys are made from pure all-natural stone and can last a lifetime (which certainly helps one rationalise the exorbitant price tag). Additionally, regardless of whether you buy into the idea that various stones carry particular ‘energies’ (just as an FYI, to date, science has found these so-called energies are no more remarkable than a placebo), the fact is, crystals are trending harder than a Twitter hashtag right now.

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You’ll be hard pressed finding a fashion store, homewares line or skincare range that doesn’t include a crystal-inspired ingredient. It only makes sense then, that the next logical step would be to put one up your vag.

Not one to shun the trends, or spend my paycheque wisely, I decided to find out what the craze was all about, firsthand. I figured, if nothing else, I’d have a unique thought-piece for the living room coffee table, given how pretty my rose quartz wand looked when I pulled it from its soft suede carry bag. And if I ended up aligning a few chakras in the process, and perhaps casting off the Spirit of Fuckboys Past? Bonus.

So here it is I find myself, lying back in bed on a warm Saturday afternoon, masturbating with something that looks like it wouldn’t be entirely out of place in a Star Wars movie. I’m also feeling a little concerned about a couple of things I’ve just noticed. For starters, there’s no real base to the wand, and its stone material is almost ethereally smooth, so the thought does cross my mind it may be sucked into my vagina, only to be seen again in an ER waiting room.

My second trepidation is the fact that the crystal is very cold. Like, almost as if it’s been sitting in a fridge. I’m not entirely sure how thrusting something up my puss that feels like a Lifesavers icy-pole is going to get my juices going.

 

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Thankfully, I’ve got a glass of wine under my belt, which has impaired my judgement just enough to not think on this any longer. Here goes.

I run the tip of the dildo over my clit. The chilliness of it feels deliciously tingly and sets my lady bean pulsing. I’m converted. I push the wand inside myself and wait for the spiritual experience to begin…

Here’s my thoughts on what happened.

It was… nice. The crystal wand warmed up to body temperature impressively quickly, so discomfort wasn’t an issue, and the smoothness of the stone felt hair-raisingly good. I’m a gal who needs clit stimulation to orgasm, so I had to use my free hand to flick my bean whilst thrusting the wand in and out of myself to get to climax. (This is where the crystal dildo didn’t shine a light up to my classic clit-tinglingly good Rabbit vibe.)

Was my orgasm profound? Perhaps. If only for the knowledge I paid $238 to have it. However, it certainly makes for a conversation starter at dinner parties now – no one seems any the wiser that the slender piece of crystal gleaming on my coffee table is actually a sex toy. And perhaps because of that, I’m kind of turned on by the thought of using it again.

For more of Nadia’s sex and dating misadventures, follow her on Instagram.

Would you try masturbating with a crystal dildo? Tell us in a comment below.

Samantha X shares her tips on how to have better sex.

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