This article was originally published on Holly Wainwright's Substack, Mamamia Out Loud. You can subscribe, here.

So, Outlouder Vanessa wanted some advice:

I have a dilemma. I have been a Mamamia fan for a long time. I've been listening to this podcast for about six or seven years. One of the things that Mia consistently says is that women should keep working when they have kids, even if it's part-time, because you want to have something to fall back on and you want to keep building your pension and have something for yourself etc…

Watch: Has burnout feminism overtaken the girlboss era? Post continues below.

Prior to having kids and even after having my first kid, I have always had this in the back of my mind and fully bought into it. But something has changed since having my second kid and my husband's career picking up… where it's all getting overwhelming. And I'm now starting to wonder if not working would be better for my family. I do think a part-time job would be great. However, with what I do and at my level, there's just none to apply for.

My husband's job is intense, his hours are insane, he gets home often at midnight or 1am. He also travels a lot. So I have the full responsibilities for the kids and the house stuff, and it's not because he doesn't want to help, it's because he's literally signed a deal with the devil for this job and while he's building this career, it's going to be like this for maybe five more years. There are obviously financial benefits for us with him having this big job.

I would really value some intelligent, professional women's opinions on this dilemma. I am not looking for a specific answer. I am very willing and hoping to hear different perspectives. If you feel like screaming at me 'do not quit', please do, and if you feel like screaming at me to quit also, please feel free.

Thank you!

I would like to scream at you, Vanessa. But neither of those things.

I would like to scream, Look after yourself, friend! Do what you need to do for you and your family. Listen to other women's opinions but do not feel limited by them. And, you're absolutely allowed to change.

And then I would like to scream – not at you, but in general – Why are those our only options?

If you're new here, friends, the Mia Vanessa refers to is Mia Freedman – the co-founder and creative director of Mamamia, Australia's biggest women's media company. Mia has built a deeply impressive career and business over the course of three decades and it's generally been her assertion – as Vanessa says – that women's financial independence is crucial.

But this is not a rule, it's an opinion, and one that Mia says she has certainly softened over years of experience.

But when Jessie, Amelia and I talked this dilemma out on Mamamia Out Loud today, we found that as three women with children and jobs at very different life stages, we had a lot of feelings about Vanessa's more general dilemma: I'm a professional, accomplished woman. Should I let my husband support me for a while?

Jessie is about to have twins and Jessie said, Quit.

Amelia has two little children and she said, Make a five-year plan.

And I, with my teenagers, said, Why can't your husband change his job?

I'm over-simplifying all of our positions, and to hear them in full, listen to today's show, here:

But since I get to write this newsletter, I get to expand my thinking (soz, my co-host friends), and it isn't really about Vanessa and her brilliantly-posed question.

Australian women are better-qualified, more-employed and higher-earning than they have ever been.

And yet, when the very real-world complexities of family life hit a heterosexual couple with all the attendant love and logistics, the default setting is almost always that it will be her job that will change.

That she will negotiate a shorter day, a shorter week, a job-share. That if her boss can't/won't do that, she will have to find a new one who will. That she might not take a promotion or a new role that would demand more time and energy. That she drops shifts, or clusters them to suit the family. That she will hand back her "big" job and ask for a smaller one.

And there isn't one thing wrong with any of that, especially if having children has deeply rearranged her priorities. There is no more profound shift, and becoming a parent opens our aperture of possibility so much wider.

And, of course, you might hate your job and only be delighted that it is possible for you to no longer do it. Having choices in this is the ultimate privilege, of course.

But the question remains, why is our cultural default still that the woman's job is the bendable reed, and the man's is the immovable rock?

And why, if none of those compromises are working – as Vanessa is finding in her house – will the default be that she quits?

Why is a man's work status unassailable, and yours dispensable?

Why do we so rarely ask a man: Is your "big" job, the one that keeps you away from home most of the time and leaves me running a home, really compatible with this season of our lives?

Why do we not celebrate what two medium-sized jobs look like? Two people getting to participate in family and still get to do the thing they loved doing before?

Anyway. Vanessa's question prompted a tsunami of thoughtful, poignant stories of experience from Outlouders.

About divorce. About regret. About identity. About not missing this short, glorious parenting season. About Super, and protecting your independence. About mourning careers. About mourning the little kids' years lost to meetings and emails.

All of it. All of the imperfect mess of big decisions and money and compromise and babies and love.

All the good stuff, and all the hard things.

This article was originally published on Holly Wainwright's Substack, Mamamia Out Loud. You can subscribe, here.

Feature image: Netflix.