Welcome back to part two of the Couples Retreat – also known as the Three-Day Dinner Party – for an episode I'm calling The One Where No One Recognises Their Own Awful Behaviour.

We start where we left off, with the aftermath of the double date from hell during which Bonnie and Clyde kidnapped Steve and Rachel for a whisky-fuelled lecture on respect.

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During a group debrief, the group learns that Rachel is now upset with Steve for speaking with Bec for a few minutes earlier that day. Gia starts snapping, Danny hurls a loaded remark about lying, and even Scott gets involved.

He stares at Danny the way Eleven stares at Vecna, and I half expect Danny to rise slowly into the air to the sounds of Kate Bush. But this is MAFS and not Stranger Things, so nothing quite that exciting happens.

The next morning, Alissa is doing her best to 'spread the joy'. Skipping out into the sunshine and spreading a towel on the grass, she rhapsodises over her croissant and the view and the perfect, perfect day they're all about to have. Nice try, sweetie.

In a different grassy area, Bec is feeling very flat – and super confused about what exactly went down the night before. She can't reconcile her perception of events with Rachel's, or those of the wider group. Why is everyone making such a fuss? It was just a word! She never meant any harm! She's apologised! What do they all want from her?

Bless her poor misguided soul – she doesn't see that the word ain't the problem.

Steve and Rachel have done the sensible thing and taken themselves off for some caffeine and hot chippies in Kiama. Gazing at the ocean, they talk more about Rachel's pain, how hurt she is, how dreadful the whole thing has been for her, and how Steve betrayed her by not having her back. Steve nods and rubs her back and says, "Yeah" a lot. Truly, it's riveting stuff.

Stella and Filip do likewise, heading for the beach for some almost-nude gymnastics.

"We're happy," says Filip. "We love each other." But with producers and cast causing a huge commotion over this apparently earth-shattering breakthrough, Stella is starting to look a bit worn down. Apparently forgetting she's on a notoriously manipulative TV show, she wonders why everyone's still talking about it. "I kinda want to zip it," she says to a producer intent on increasing the pressure. "I'd appreciate it if everyone could just drop it for the time being." You tell 'em, queen.

With a modicum of calm descending upon the property, Gia and Juliet get together to figure out how they can crank up the heat. Bec, they decide is a "master manipulator" and "pretty freaky", someone intent on tearing down anyone who doesn't agree with her. "Same topic, same person," says Gia, noting that no matter the conflict, Bec is always involved.

Again: pot, kettle, black.

"Bec is so negative," she says with unrestrained negativity. "I just can't be around that. It's not good vibes." Yeah, because you're all about the peace, aren't you, G?

"It's so sad to see Gia so burnt down from the whole situation," says Juliette.

And my blood boils all the way over because, OMG THE HYPOCRISY.

Taking sycophancy to new levels, Juliette has decided her best shot at a redemption arc involves binding herself permanently to Gia. "If she's pissed you off," she says to her new unconditionally beloved bestie, "she's pissed me off, and I'm done with her." Vowing to do anything and fight anyone to make Gia feel seen and heard, Juliette promises she'll "be on whatever side you want me to be on." Because right or wrong be damned, she just wants to swing a few right hooks.

"If they want to see ugly, I'll show them ugly," she fawns. "I love you, I'm here for you, I'll ride til dawn, and I'll fuck them up for you." I actually can't look at her, this makes me feel ill.

Elsewhere, Bec is now once again trapped in her own anguish with no way out. Danny wants to take her pain and put it into his body. "It's hard to see her like that," he says.

Enter our constant rescuers, Sam and Chris.

"We thought we'd come give you some love," says Chris.

"It's not fair, mate," says Sam, crying with her. "Next time they bite, just ignore it."

Careful to choose no sides but simply offer some comfort, they wrap their arms around Bec – and their compassion is genuinely lovely.

Unfortunately, Bec is still struggling to parse the situation – and no one seems able to explain it to her.

As for Rachel, she very wisely would like to resolve Finger Gate alone with Bec, with no one else present. No noise, no drama, just a quiet burying of the hatchet. But of course Gia and Juliette cannot possibly allow that because they need a front seat at the gallows. They want to bring the fire and dance in the flames (insert evil cackle here).

"Bec said you guys had a massive fight," says Juliette, sitting primly on the end of Rachel's bed.

"I thought you guys were done," Gia says. "DONE!"

"She's talking shit about me?" says Rachel, wide-eyed.

Gia rolls her eyes. "Oh, it's so fucking negative and high school and I cannot be around that."

"I can never, ever, ever trust her again," says Juliette.

Successfully whipped into a frenzy, Rachel decides that Gia and Juliette are her people. She can trust them. They're the good guys. And you do you, sweetheart, but let it be known that if you've chosen darkness I can no longer support you.

The group head into the last night of the holiday with the energy of an angry mob. Juliette is speaking about Bec in exactly the same way she spoke about Joel: ew, get away from me, you're gaslighting me, I'm pissed off, etc. Gia pretends she's not looking for war while secretly tucking weapons into her bra. Rachel is all arched eyebrows and martyrdom.

As the drinks are poured, Bec is isolated by the bar while Gia and Juliette engineer a loud, raucous toast to Rachel and her strength in the face of such suffering.

"In the real world," says Gia, "I wouldn't accept this behaviour from another female. I think it's really gross." As gross as, say, picking on Stella? Tearing down Alissa? Literally applauding Brook's vicious, systematic annihilation of other women? Man, this is KILLING ME.

Bec sits down with Rachel, ready to hash it out without any real idea of what the issue is. She keeps apologising for saying the word finger-banged. Rachel spirals into what looks like a panic attack. Hyperventilating, she exits stage left.

Which leads to my fave moment of the ep: Joel's attempt to heal the fractured group with his famously popular humour.

"We've got a lot of repairing to do," he says, standing before the group like a spiritual advisor. He then does the only thing that could possibly save them all. He whips out… The Bear. The crowd gasps.

"It's so much worse than I imagined," says Sam.

Gia, sensing the true power of The Bear, issues a full apology for threatening to cut his head off and rubs him on her boobies.

The Bear is effectively mollified – for now.

Rachel then comes back to talk to Bec again. They step away from the group and attempt a fair, balanced discussion. It fails within seconds. No one apologises, no one takes accountability, no one explains anything in a way that anyone else can understand. Bec gets super aggressive and yells at Rachel. It's painful to watch – like when a child gets so emotionally overwhelmed that they can't hear anyone else and retreat behind a slammed door.

"Mic drop, see ya later," she says, walking off. For a second time in as many days, Bec is done.

Delighted with this turn of events, Gia assumes the role of Bigger and Better Person as though she's kept her hands clean all this time.

Overcome with FOMO, Scott gets in there too and demands an apology from Danny. The two guys head off for a man-to-man chat, but can't hear themselves speak because the dam has now broken and the girls are all honking like geese. Ploughing on, the men agree to disagree and keep things civil. Hands are shaken and that's that.

Meanwhile, the girls have lost their minds.

"Come at me!" Bec yells at Juliette.

Juliette, true to form, calls Bec a dumb c*nt – thus losing any moral ground she'd managed to regain following her last crash out.

When Danny approaches Juliette to flag that calling someone a dumb c*nt isn't cool, she has no problem justifying herself – because she genuinely seems to think the issue is less her abuse and more the target. If she's not battering Joel anymore – if they're a kissy, cuddly team – she's abiding by Principal John's rules and is now free to trash other people, right?

Having been on the pointy end of this vitriol, Joel seems too terrified to speak up – even without Juliette's literal gag order. "Don't answer his questions," she barks when Danny asks him what he thinks. Am I then to conclude that when he said he wouldn't tolerate disrespect, he meant only when it's aimed exclusively at him? Yup, seems so. Shame on you, dildo king.

Incredibly, Juliette thinks she's fighting the good fight. "Don't piss me off, and you won't get my angry side. Simple as that." And sorry, but I'm so sick of this vile woman I'm close to using the C word myself.

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The episode ends with Bec and Danny understandably packing their bags and heading off into the night to find a hotel – because what in the actual K-Pop Demon Hunters is going on here? Why is it that these people are even less capable of human decency in the countryside than they are in the city?

Could they be acting under some kind of supernatural influence? Somewhere, in the dark recesses of the house, Joel's teddy bear rubs its paws together and laughs.

Feature image: Nine.