Well. We have officially hit the halfway mark — and, in my humble opinion, the lowest point of the season. Seriously: strap on a helmet and wrap yourself in a weighted blanket because this episode is a whole new level of fresh hell.

We begin gently, with the news that Scott has finally met Gia's daughter. It remains unclear whether he knows her name, but baby steps.

Tyson and Steph warm up for the dinner party with what can only be described as corporate small talk. If someone had wheeled in a lectern and a laser pointer, I wouldn't have blinked.

Watch: An unpopular opinion on MAFS' Tyson on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

Juliette and Joel are in separate rooms after their blow up after Joel's "star" comment. For the record — and tattoo this somewhere visible because we will have to revisit this sorry situation about 400 more times — this is what Joel actually said:

"You don't see the star in me."

As in: you don't see my inner light. You don't get me.

This is what Juliette heard:

"I'm the star of this show."

And this is how the group has now received it:

"Joel thinks he's a golden god."

Everyone is now running with option number three.

And that, folks, is how the truth gets twisted like a bobcat pretzel.

Regardless — or perhaps because — of the distortion, Juliette has woken up in a cracking mood.

She arrives at Joel's apartment with a bottle of booze, giggling and flicking her hair. She hugs and high-fives him, then proclaims that they're working towards moving back in with each other.

Joel blinks madly, looking like a man who has accidentally stepped into a parallel universe.

"Let's walk in together," she says. "No handholding though," she adds, with a naughty little wink.

Bec, meanwhile, is bricking it. "I'm nervous," she says, acknowledging that she might face some retribution for last week's debacle. Promising Danny that she won't poke the bear, she says her main goal is just to sit next to him. "I've worked so hard to make sure we're back on track, and I won't let anyone ruin that for me." Let's hope that "anyone" includes you, honey.

As the couples arrive, I can't help but note that the hair and make-up team have really done a number on Rachel. They've poured her into a red silk gown, blown out her hair and given her femme fatale eye flicks. She looks like Jessica Rabbit, and the sexy brief has officially been nailed.

She and Steve walk in and the whole room clocks the vibe. "D'you wanna climb that like a tree when you get home?" says Chris. Yes is the answer — but will Steve get the memo?

On the other side of the room, he corners the worst of all confidantes. "I'm trying to sort of go, I'm the problem, I'm the problem," he confesses to Tyson, with unexpected clarity. "But too much of that and you start depressing yourself."

"You're the man of the relationship," says Tyson, channelling a mid-century parliamentarian. "Don't come across as weak to your partner." He tells Steve to find his balls. Classy.

Fortunately, David brings the realism. "This guy needs to sit his ass down in the back seat." Yes, sir, you are correct. 

When Bec and Danny walk in, the temperature predictably drops. "I feel sick, I feel sick," says Bec upon arrival. It's actually not too bad. Bec apologises to the girls personally while Danny doles out a few healthy backslaps. But tension soon leaks through the cracks — and while she and Gia circle each other like apex predators, David prowls in the background, silently rehearsing a revenge monologue. 

As for Juliette, she prances in like the hills are alive, grabs a beer and proceeds to tell everyone how great things are going between her and Joel. "We're able to, like, have fun, and talk, and chill," she tells Chris. "I'm really happy with him." And excuse me but what in the barefaced lies is happening here?

Joel, meanwhile, quietly tells Alissa and Stella about the week's psychological warfare. "She's not warming to me," he says, sadly. Quite the understatement. 

Once they sit down for dinner, David confronts Bec about the "information" she's been digging up on Alissa. She denies it. David is suspicious. The nature of said "information" is still very vague. No one seems to know exactly what "dirt" may or may not have been dug – but still, Bec apologises over and over. "I'm in the wrong. It was unacceptable. I understand that there's zero trust. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me."

It's humble, composed, and I like it.

When it comes to Gia, however, it's a totally different story. "I will never have a relationship with her," she says. "Ta ta, motherfucker." Damn, so close!

In a brief happy interlude, we see Rachel, absolutely sloshed on red wine, telling Stella and Filip how much Steve's mother loves her (it's true, she does). In return, Stella and Filip share the biggest problem in their lives: the fact that neither has yet said I love you. Or not out loud, anyway — they're both transmitting True Love from every pore and it's a bloody delight to watch.

But the sweetness lasts just a mere moment before the Star Saga resumes.

Juliette insists on her (false) version. Joel insists on his (true) version. She gives a completely inaccurate description of what happened. He almost vomits in his mouth. 

"I didn't say it, I didn't say it!" he repeats, thus effectively delivering Recycled Storyline Number 3: The Unverifiable Comment That Will Destroy Us All.

There's a senseless back and forth where the whole gang debates which of the two is the liar — and at this point, I get really cross because no one's lying! It's a ridiculous misunderstanding! Play the goddamn tape and end the madness! But everyone's now hammered and fully invested in CSI: Dinner Party, so on and on it goes. 

Danny believes Joel. Gia believes Juliette. Rachel cares so little either way that she's lost the will to live. 

Joel unfortunately does himself no favours by rolling out the arch, slightly supercilious character he adopts when nervous. Grand statements like "I have a disdain for liars" are not calming language. But to his credit, he remains perfectly calm, respectful and (more or less) dignified. 

"I've never once raised my voice, Juliette," he says. 

"Yes, you did," she retorts. "When you screamed you were the star!"

Except he didn't actually do that.

Doubling down, Juliet interrupts him, heckles and calls him names. And I have to ask: Brook? Is that you? Are you wearing a wig?

"I had the best day today," she tells Joel. "I said the best things about you — but as soon as Filip told me you lied? DISTAINT! DISTAINT TOWARDS YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Quick note: "distaint" is not a word.

Getting up, she storms off. "Someone swap seats with me, I can't stand him."

I throw a pillow across the room. 

And it just doesn't stop. I swear to god, by the time she tells him he's crushed her dreams, I'm basically dead.

When the conversation eventually moves on, it lands in even stickier territory. David, it seems, still has some residual anger to work off after having missed his big moment with Bec, and so he directs the chat toward Tyson and his traditional values. "What did you mean by submissive?" he asks. And like a wind-up toy, Tyson yet again unleashes his tirade about women staying home to cook and clean and look after "his" kids. 

"Maybe you can do both," says Alissa. "Be a mum and have a business."

Now that's a revolutionary thought.

"I can't," Steph quips. "My husband says so." 

And again, I'd just like to take a moment to thank Channel Nine for platforming this ideology during a national crisis of misogyny and intimate partner violence. Stellar timing, everyone. Gold medals all round. 

Thank god for our fave couple, Chris and Sam, who jump back in with their fearless joy and rescue us all. Chris is going to be a dad! Sam is so proud! Everyone hugs Chris and tells him what a great father he will be… everyone except Tyson, of course, who is supremely confused. 

"I'm not used to that whole gay thing… with the kids…" he says. "I don't know how it works. And quite frankly, I don't want to know." Fortunately for the rest of us, he's entirely alone in this sentiment. 

Just as I think I can't actually take any more, Joel and Juliette step back in the ring for one last round. He swears he didn't say the thing he's meant to have said, but still hasn't had the chance to tell his side. Meanwhile, Juliette is "disgusted," Gia calls him "insufferable", the teddy bear comes up again — and yay, we're in high school again. 

"I would've cut its head off," jeers Gia, delighted to have found a new Mean Girl to play with. "I would've slit its throat. I would've thrown that bitch in the ocean." She really rips in, calling Joel unmanly, childish and a loser, and it's like watching a starving dog chew on a bone. Run for cover, people, the bully is back. 

"Is (a teddy) really the worst thing in the world?" says Rachel, pointing out that Juliette's sole motivation at this point is simply to make Joel feel small. 

And then — miracle of miracles — Danny says something exceptional. "I think it's brave to be a 30-year-old man and admit you've got a teddy. You could actually argue that he's more masculine than us." He follows up with an excellent piss take of an East-End wanker who's afraid of nothing but being publicly outed for having a childhood toy — and, for the briefest of moments, he's my hero.

For more on MAFS, listen to this episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

At first, Joel tries to take it as a joke — but it's so far from funny. Scott even has to step between them to prevent Juliette from going too far. Oops, too late. Juliette calls Joel a c*nt, and it's all over. 

Make no mistake, we are no longer watching a TV show. We are trapped in a vortex, an infinite loop of toxicity, where the parade of revolting humans intentionally denigrating others never ends. 

Join me Sunday when Principal John ejects Juliette into orbit, locks Tyson in a basement with everything Laura Bates has ever written, and sends Joel and Steph on an all-expenses holiday to the Maldives. Anything less, and I'll show you what a real tantrum looks like. 

Feature image: Nine.