Okay guys, how are we all feeling after dildo-gate? Have we seen the video? Did we love it? Of course we did. Who does not want to see a grown man absolutely crushing a drum solo with two giant sex toys? Juliette, apparently. But we'll circle back.

For now, tonight's episode of Married At First Sight Australia starts with Gia — who walked out last night after a scrap over an old Facebook pic.

Watch: An unpopular opinion about Tyson from MAFS. Post continues below.

Scott lays on the couch, dutifully deleting every single photo featuring his ex — 500 of them, he reckons. And okay, but can we talk about what a wildly stupid situation this is? If social media archives are sending you into cardiac arrest, it's time for a little corner time-out. Maybe a juice box. Possibly a nap. Or — radical suggestion — adulthood.

Moving onto our next family lunch, and we have Stella and Filip reuniting with Mystical Leila, Queen of Unsolicited Breathwork and Needless Conflict. Remember her stern words and red flags at the wedding? But, oh how her tune has changed! "I don't have too many concerns," she says. And I'd be interested to hear just one, actually, because these two are on fire.

Juliette is finding it impossible to move on from the dildos. "It pissed me right off," she says – for what reason, I cannot even imagine because I watched that video and I'm sorry but it's brilliant.

Poor Joel, though, has been frozen right out. It feels like a recycled storyline: Mel and Luke, The Sequel – except this time it's not just stonewalling, it's open war. She swears at him, refuses to be in the same room, skips the Eye Contact magic because he has "devil eyes". It's as if he's run her grandmother over with his car, she's that cross.

"You don't get the privilege to touch me," she says, when he suggests attempting the hug task. "Don't come near me, you've pissed me off."

"Okay," says Joel, mildly. "I respect your boundaries."

"You purposely say mean things to try to upset me," she says from behind a closed door. "It's really fucked up."

And I'm sorry, but are we absolutely certain this is still about the percussion accessories? Because we have a woman barricaded in a bedroom, verbally incinerating her husband because he's… theatrical? Over the top? A bit cringe? I feel like we are missing a chapter.

Producers, sensing insufficient carnage, deploy the dreaded Photo Ranking Task, engineered exclusively to produce either lies or emotional damage. Juliette ranks Joel fourth lowest, mainly because… he's too old, apparently? Too aggravating. And totally not her type, despite the fact that her own description of her type matches Joel exactly.

When it's Joel's turn, he ranks her third highest — and she's absolutely disgusted. "He did that to antagonise me. He tried to rub it in my face."

Um… what? Truly, this couple has been sent to test us all.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Sweet Steve have bar snacks and bubbles with Steve's mum and brother, plus two of Rachel's mates. Steve's mum wants all the goss – and we get the same cuteness we've been seeing from the start: hand holding, compliments, dad jokes. But it does feel like we've been looping the same scene for three weeks now.

In a chat with her pals, Rachel confirms that they still haven't moved off first base and she's more than a little antsy. "I just need to know if he's romantically connected to me or not."

Judging from his body language — that of a mouse being pawed by a lion — I'd say not. But when Mum and Bro loudly endorse Rachel and wonder aloud why the hell Steve's not going for it, he pivots back to self-blame. "I'm holding back. I'm not a perfect guy. I've fallen short."

When everyone reconvenes, he delivers a full vulnerability monologue about walls coming down and fighting for the relationship. It feels slightly like penance for disappointing the room. Everyone buys it. Mum is officially obsessed with Rachel. And we leave them knowing that Sweet Steve is going to have to transform into Sexual Steve whether he likes it or not.

Elsewhere, Soldier Boy takes Steph for a schnitty and casually announces he might still be in love with one of his exes. There's one in Missouri, with whom he might still be with if he weren't "so stubborn". And there's another in Brazil who was his best friend as well as his partner, and with whom he's still in regular contact. Such a fun date.

But, of course, it's okay for him to still have feelings for his ex because he's a guy and can't control his urges. And not okay for her, obviously, because traditional values.

During a frosty debrief, Tyson apologises in the tone of a corporate exec giving team feedback. While she shares her feelings, he checks his watch. He says he'll "take that into consideration. They hug it out. "Come on, big boy," says Steph, wrapping her arms around him. And please god tell me she's a plant because none of this computes.

Later, they're made to watch each other's audition videos. Tyson is captivated by Steph's tape, highlights of which include "I'd make a cool mum" and "my dog is my priority." When she says she's a huge Trump fan, he basically climaxes. "She's got substance," he says. And yes, for those of you wondering when to grab your sick buckets, now is the time.

"I think Steph will like what she sees," says Tyson of his own video. And while she does enjoy his MAGA stance and his claim that Trump is not in fact racist (Girl, pur-leeeeaaase!) she seems to draw the line at his flagrant homophobia. Upon reuniting, she asks him to tell her about that.

"Do you like gay people?" she says.

"I'm not gay myself," he says.

"I know that," she says.

"Ha ha," he says, "I hope so!"

And did we all get that? You sure? Okay, once more for the cheap seats in the back — TYSON IS NOT GAY, alright? Not gay. Not in the slightest. Just to be clear.

She observes that he "talks down" to gays, and questions his remarks about not wanting them to approach or talk to him.

"I don't believe that any gay people would be hitting on you," she says.

"You saying I'm ugly or something?" he fires back.

Steph rolls her eyes — because she's all about the gays, she's just here for the harmony, we're all "just humans having our own experiences" in the world. Love is love, she says. Which is why she supports Donald Trump… right?

"I like gay people," Tyson says, looking faintly panicked as though a troupe of lesbians might rappel from the ceiling at any moment.

And that's where I'm parking them because my blood pressure cannot.

Returning to Gia and Scott, returns home looking immaculate. Her argument is that Scott's initial hesitation to delete the photos proved he valued them more than her (and that the photos were not "her on a beach" but "her in lingerie").

"What he did was wrong," she says, "And I'm not gonna tolerate that."

What actually happened, of course, is that his noncompliance detonated her insecurities and her nervous system hit DEFCON 1. And look, fair call, no one wants to see their partner with a half-naked ex. But if your immediate conclusion is "I am fundamentally inadequate," that's a self-worth conversation we need to have.

Alissa and David's lunch with their mates is unremarkable, besides the information, revealed by Alissa's bestie Adriana, that Bec has been actively trying to dig up "stuff" about her.

The nature of this is a little unclear, but everyone is incensed.

Adriana and Alissa briefly retire to a balcony to discuss Bec, girl power and watering one's own garden — "What a dickhead," says Adriana — but it's all quite tame, and everyone looks like they'd rather chat about something else.

We end with Joel and Juliette's final showdown. Her contempt is palpable now. It's not cold — it's scorching. "All you do is ridicule me," Joel says, finally biting back. Her excuse is that she's felt smothered by his personality, which has made her feel sad. She doesn't like his theatrics, doesn't like the "performance", doesn't like anything about him.

"But I'm just being me," he says. "That's who I am."

Juliette loses her shit. "That isn't your true self!"

But I don't know, I kind of think it is.

"You don't see the star in me," says Joel — which is especially wild given that she has, in fact, seen the drum solo.

And look, here's the thing: Joel is a performer. That is him. Both authentic and theatrical. Two truths at once. And while I can understand why constant exposure might drive a girl a little crazy, I'm not sure if it justifies a meltdown. Which begs the question: what is really going on? Is this the honest reaction of a woman buckling under a huge amount of pressure? Or is it the sinister work of a demon teddy bear? You decide.

Join me next time for another bloody dinner party, during which Tyson's mind is blown by gay parenthood and Juliette goes nuclear. See you then. *Drops head into hands*

Feature Image: Nine.