To catch up on all the MAFS 2022 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page .

As I recently sat in front of my television and watched an angry Texan man tell the nation that yeah, he's slept with no fewer than 350 women (in multiple continents), one question resounded loudly in my head.

How (and where, but also why) do they find these people?

How does one... apply? How do they get... approved? And why are they always...like this tho.

It continues to baffle me that on every season of Married At First Sight, Channel Nine manage to find roughly 16 to 20 new participants who:

a) want to get fake married on the television for no reason,

b) are open to being humiliated - physically, psychologically, and spiritually,

c) have absolutely no pressing commitments for 4 to 5 months, and

d) are weird enough (will you throw a fruit bowl? Stick a toothbrush in a toilet? Engage in an entirely manufactured cheating scandal?) to break ratings records.

It's honestly really impressive. And that's whyMarried At First Sighthas won multiple Emmys (note:Married At First Sighthas not and will never win an Emmy).

In order to better understand HOW THE F*CK THEY FIND THESE PEOPLE, I decided to apply forMAFSseason 10. Do they have my email now? Yes. Will they probably call me with earnest interest because I answered the questions pretending to be Mr 'I've slept with 350 women' Andrew? Definitely.

Here's exactly what happened.

I open the application and feel like Channel Nine...knows. Suddenly, my phone starts ringing with a private number and I'm certain it's John Aiken, yelling that he's seen me click the link andyes,they'll have me on the show.

But no. It's my Pop, and he needs help with his phone andSir why is your number on privatebut also I don't have time for this. I'm extremely busy.

The application opens with the following information, which I have edited for clarity.

Married At First Sight is searching for men and women

of all ages

mostly in their 20s (unless you want to be portrayed as desperate lol) who are genuinely committed to

finding love

being in the Daily Mail and/or growing their Instagram following.

It continues:

This ground breaking social experiment uses

science and psychology

producers' detailed knowledge of what will work on television to help Australian singles meet

their perfect partner

a person who will ultimately break them, emotionally. But there’s a catch… you won’t get to meet your future (fake) husband or wife until your wedding day!

Cool.

Applicants are reminded that this isnota competition, and that while there are no cash prizes, you could walk away with the most valuable prize of all... true love.

Okay but like... that's not going to happen. Participants are far more likely to walk away with damaged self-esteem, a problematic public profile, and weird vendettas with other reality TV stars.

Before I proceed to the next step, I see a disclaimer:

PLEASE SUBMIT GENUINE APPLICATIONS ONLY.

Oops.

The initial questions are relatively harmless, although they could inno waybe used to effectively match you with a possible romantic partner. The application asks:

What are some of the challenges you have faced on your search for true love?

How would your friends describe you?

List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.

And... yeah. I answered the questions the way I imagine Andrew answered them. Given his behaviour on the show.

Bizarrely, in the earliest phase of the application, potential participants are asked for their height and weight and WHY.

HOW DOES THAT IMPACT WHETHER YOU CHOOSE ME FOR A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT ABOUT FINDING LOVE, CHANNEL NINE?

YOU ALSO MISSED THE 'T' AT THE END OF THE WORD HEIGHT AND YEAH I'VE BECOME PETTY.

But then I realise.

It's obvious.

They'd like you to be very,very accurateabout your height because they're going to need to match a woman who specifies that she likes tall men with a man who is particularly short. And they'd like to get that match out of the way early. So they have more time to analyse possible personality clashes and incompatible values.

The application then asks some basic questions about who you are and whether you have any fun facts you'd like to highlight that might work for the trailer of the next season.

Then, it moves to what you're looking for in a potential partner. This is easy for Andrew.

Interestingly, the applicationspecificallyasks for links to potential participants' social media accounts. Of course, this makes sense, but it also contradicts a story that came out about the current season of the show.

During filming for