wellness

We have our very first (known) victim of butthole sunning and it was only a matter of time.

This story was first published on October 15, 2019, and has been updated because more people are… sunning (and burning) their buttholes.

Feature image: Getty and Instagram/@metaphysicalmeagan.

I’m really sorry to interrupt your day with this highly disturbing news, but people are sunning their buttholes and we must discuss it.

Yes, you read that right.

People are sunning their buttholes. Buttholes are being sunned. It’s a wild world.

Here’s a few ‘wellness’ options that don’t require such a compromised position. Post continues below video.

Video by Mamamia

WHAT on earth is butthole sunning, you ask? It involves showing your butthole – the part of your body that evolution SPECIFICALLY decided not to place anywhere the sun can reach – to the big burning ball in the sky.

AND IT IS DANGEROUS. I’m not willing to put my butthole on the line to prove this, but thankfully Oscar nominee Josh Brolin has shared his experience so I don’t have to.

The result? So bad, Josh had to skip a family outing so he could stay home and lather aloe vera on his perineum.

You don’t want that.

I was unfortunate enough to first learn about this abomination courtesy of Johnny Knoxville, who shared a video of men taking part in a group butthole sunbathing surrounded by teepees. I didn’t realise they’d revived Jackass.

And sorry, your life is about to be ruined, but it looks like this:

 

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Thanks to @rickkosick for turning me on to this game changing life hack that allows me to get my fill of vitamin D. ☀️????

A post shared by Johnny Knoxville (@johnnyknoxville) on

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And this:

 

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A post shared by Troy Casey (@certifiedhealthnut) on

AND NOW THIS:

 

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A post shared by ???? ???? Metaphysical Meagan ???? ???? (@metaphysicalmeagan) on

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Yeah, so that’s a real thing we humans are doing now. The ‘wellness’ industry is fine.

I’ve been told that working through my problems in a safe space is healthy and important and I have about 234 issues with this, so let’s get into it…

1. Why?

Mr Butthole Sunning, a.k.a ‘holistic health’ consultant Troy Casey reckoned in his post’s caption that “30 seconds of direct sunlight injection to the anal orifice is equivalent to being outside in the sun ALL DAY!”

That sentence is… a lot of rubbish.

Another butthole sunning advocate named, uh, Metaphysical Meagan explained she also added butthole and ‘yoni’ sunning into her “daily rising routine” for the same reason.

It’s also a bold claim with absolutely no peer reviewed research according to my thorough (and risky AF) googling of ‘butthole sunning’ and various other terms including one with the word ‘anus’. I did find a satirical article about the importance of putting sunscreen on your butthole, which I wager a guess Mr Butthole Sunning has not done.

My googling also turned up this image, which I present without comment:

butthole sunning
Without comment. Image: Facebook.
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When questioned about why he advocated the practice without knowing if there was research about it, Mr Butthole Sunning said "it's natural and INTUITIVE" and excuse me sir, it is absolutely not intuitive to burn my butthole.

Metaphysical Meagan said she'd noticed surges of energy, better sleep, an increase in creativity and a "better connection to my sexual energy".

"This is truly more energising than slamming cups of coffee and is a great alternative to consuming neurotoxic coffee & caffeine that can disrupt your adrenal gland health," she wrote. I'd like another iced latte right about now, please and thank you.

In a follow-up post, Meagan managed to make this whole thing even more concerning by describing the act as 'perineum sunning' and NO THANK YOU.

Apparently sticking our buttholes (and perineums) to the sun "prevents against the leakage of chi or life force energy from the body".

Good. Lord.

2. How does one keep their butthole sun safe?

I've never thought about keeping a butthole sun safe, mostly because I'm not a monster. It's just... naturally sun safe because I don't try and defy evolution's wishes. But now that I am thinking about it, I don't think there could be anything worse than a sunburned butthole.

AND MY SUSPICIONS WERE CORRECT.

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Josh Brolin, an Academy Award nominated actor, has sustained "#severeperineumburns" after baring his butthole to the star we orbit.

"Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did,"  the 51-year-old wrote on Instagram, sharing the viral image of Metaphysical Meagan to demonstrate his... point.

"My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain."

RE-READ THAT SENTENCE, PEOPLE.

"I don’t know who the f*ck thought of this stupid sh*t but f*ck you nonetheless. Seriously," Brolin summed up, quite eloquently in my opinion.

Also, he used the hashtag #assholecare which is very important.

Is there a sunscreen sensitive enough for that area of the body? Wait, no I definitely do not want anyone to put sunblock in... yeah.

Maybe a little hat would work. Sunglasses? Or idk maybe just always wear pants and never ever butthole sun.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Where does one butthole sun?

If I butthole sunned on my apartment balcony, approximately 54 people would see it from neighbouring apartments and also the street. I'd definitely cause a car crash, and Uber Eats would blacklist the building. THERE IS NO WHERE PRIVATE ENOUGH TO BUTTHOLE SUN.

4. So first we were bleaching our buttholes... and now we're tanning them?

I am so sick of unrealistic butthole standards.

5. How does one initiate a group butthole sunning session?

Is it as simple as "Hey bros, let's take our pants off, lie on the group and show the sun our arseholes", or it more nuanced?

6. WHY?

Why.

Just why.

We can never go back to a time before we saw images of people sticking their buttholes up to the sun and for that, I am truly sorry.

00:00 / ???