sex

'I learned how to have blended orgasms with my fiance and I can't stop talking about it.'

It was during intercourse. Missionary, which is my favourite because I’m lazy AF (don’t judge me). My partner reached down to include clitoral stimulation, giving me space, both physically and emotionally, to just lie back and feel what was happening. Now, we’d done this before and while it felt awesome, it didn’t lead to orgasm.

Um. Until now.

Current life situation: I’m finally having blended orgasms and it is blowing my freakin’ mind.

This wasn’t even something I realised I was missing until I experienced it. I wouldn’t say my orgasmic life was lacking in any way. I’ve had million (billions?) of amazing, mind-bending orgasms in my life. I’ve had them alone, with partners, with a few partners etc. etc.

There are some really interesting ways women reach orgasm. Post continues below…

But I’ve always had a routine, a reliable routine from which I never really strayed: A partner would give me oral sex, focusing entirely on the clitoral glans, I’d have an orgasm and then we’d move on to other sex stuff. I would occasionally have an orgasm with long-term partners during intercourse, but not with any regularity. And certainly not where it would be an “expected” thing to happen.

So, what is going on that blended orgasms are suddenly on the menu, in so many different forms and combinations that I can barely wrap my head around it? Let’s explore.

First of all, what is a blended orgasm?

Let’s start with the boring part: Definitions.

Blended orgasms are where a combination of different kinds of sexual stimulation are used, the culmination of which lead to orgasm. For the vast majority of people with vulvas, orgasm is experienced through touching, licking, etc. of the glans clitoris, either directly on the clitoral shaft or with the clitoral hood as a buffer.

While a blended orgasm doesn’t always include the glans clitoris, for the most part, it will. A blended orgasm usually combines external stimulation of the clitoris along with some combination of internal, G-spot stimulation, stimulation of the nipples, or other erogenous zones.

So, in short, it’s basically a delicious crescendo of a bunch of sexy stuff happening to your body. And trust me when I say that it can yield screaming orgasms.

This doesn’t mean a blended orgasm is better than a straight clitoral orgasm or G-spot orgasm, or A-spot orgasm. No orgasm is any better than any other orgasm. A blended orgasm is simply another way in which we experience the Big O and it deserves to be recognised.

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Little, inhibited me

I’m an over-thinker by nature. I also research the hell out of pretty much everything I do.

Since I’m a sexologist and the study and exploration of human sexuality is my trade, I think about it a lot. I know very well that embodiment and relaxation are necessary for proper sexual arousal. I’m aware that breathing into the diaphragm and focusing on the sensations I’m feeling are required for orgasm. I get all of this, trust me.

The problem is that when you’re thinking about how you need to relax to orgasm and are saying to yourself, “Relax, relax, relax. No, don’t think about that article you have to write. Don’t think about the signals your nervous system is sending the brain. Relax or you won’t come,” … Well, you’re not very relaxed.

I don’t want to go down this road, but I’ve also found I’m bit self-conscious during sex. I’m worried I look weird in certain positions or that my partner isn’t enjoying themself. I’m aware of how counterproductive all of this is, but instead of lecturing me, can you maybe send my brain a memo instead?

Finding trust with my partner is making me come my face off

I’m not sexually inhibited – far from it – but I do need to feel completely safe and taken care of during sex to have an orgasm. Most people feel this way, actually. If you feel uncomfortable or like your partner doesn’t care about your pleasure, getting into the right mind/body rhythm to orgasm becomes complicated.

Finding someone you trust is a critical in order for your parasympathetic nervous system to activate and calm you down. This is the part of the autonomic nervous system that calms you down, slows your breathing and decreases heart rate. Basically, it’s the relaxation factor. And boy, did I not have that.

Read: How to Have a Full Body Orgasm

I’m not a proponent or opponent of monogamy, but it does seem to work for me. I’ve noticed a pattern in my orgasms where the more I trust someone and the safer I feel, the better my orgasms become. Or, I should say, when I trust someone, the more intense and overpowering they become.

My fiancé and I were having plenty of amazing sex, but figuring out the blended orgasm has been by far the coolest thing about sex right now. Having orgasms while being penetrated has eluded me for as long as I’ve been having sex (aka: a really long time).

But, with this new person in my life who I love and trust (I mean, I am going to put a ring on it, after all), I can finally let go. I’m definitely not saying this is the right or best way for someone to have multiple orgasms, blended orgasms, or any other kind orgasms. I’m just saying this seems to be secret sauce for me.

I feel totally at peace with my partner. I’ve never had that in a relationship. I can let go sexually because I know I’m safe. Nothing can happen to me because he would always protects me.

For the first time, I feel completely sexually awakened in a way I’d only read about in books and my research. And let me tell you, it’s been dope.

This post originally appeared on Kinkly and was republished here with full permission. 

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