As told to Helen Vnuk.
Everyone expects you to be happy if you have a healthy baby. The culture we have is, ‘Oh well, your baby’s fine, you’re fine.’ It’s just so much deeper than that. There are many more levels to birth trauma.
Three years ago, when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with early-onset hypertension, so my blood pressure was a little bit high and I had some oedema in my legs. That was managed with medication really well.
But the obstetrician and the hospital staff were pushing me to induce at 35 weeks, which is really early. It was a battle between my intuition and my body, and the medical system.
All your questions about childbirth, answered by Mums and Non-Mums. Post continues below.
I am grateful that we have amazing medical care in Australia. But in my experience, I was absolutely terrified, because I was told every day for three weeks, “Your baby will die if you do not induce.” I just said, “He’s fine, I’m fine. It’s being managed with medication. You’re frightening me.”
I finally gave in to being induced at 38 weeks. They had to induce me three times, and my labour after the last induction was three days. I wanted to give birth to him naturally. I was lucky I had my doula there because she was a wonderful advocate.
I did have a vaginal birth, but with so much intervention. My baby was fine, but he was very small. I just felt really bullied. With the changing of midwives every eight hours, it was hard to know who was a safe person. It left me feeling disempowered because they didn’t listen to me and I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be a mother.
Afterwards, I wasn’t discharged onto the ward properly. Somehow they missed me, so a doctor didn’t come to look at my baby or me for three days. If it was really that bad that they thought my baby was going to die, how could they forget about me?
Mamamia’s Executive Editor, Leigh Campbell shares her birth story with Holly Wainwright. Post continues below.
My poor little baby, George. Because I’d been told, ‘If you don’t do the right thing, he’s going to die,’ I was just convinced something bad was going to happen to him. That only went away around the time he turned two.
I would hardly let George out of my sight. I couldn’t leave him with anybody because I thought, ‘If I leave him, and I do the wrong thing, something’s going to happen to him.’ I didn’t even leave him with his dad.
I wouldn’t drive because I thought I would crash the car and George would die. I didn’t tell anyone that, but that was my underlying thought.