Warning: This post contains some graphic content.
It has been a long time coming and I hope it was worth the wait, but the time has come to tell the story of ‘The Broken Vagina’.
Now, if for some reason you haven’t read ‘The EOH Pelvic Floor’, I strongly suggest you head over and read that first, as the same disclaimer applies to this article.
Before the pitchforks come at me like the last time, I will make myself clear – if you have not brought a life into this world and ever envision doing the act that is childbirth, I strongly, STRONGLY advise you do not continue reading…
You daredevil, I like you already. Thanks for reading on.
Now, I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – everybody’s birth story is different. This is a candid, telling of events that transpired the night of March 14 leading into March 15, which resulted in the birth of my first child and ‘The Broken Vagina’.
I feel like I need to touch on the lead up to the birth, for you to fully understand the sequence of events. My son, my first child, was two weeks over due.
This child did not want to come out! No amount of raspberry leaf tea, curry or brisk walks were getting this kid out of me. He had maxed his time in there and my appointment to be induced was made.
It was great; I did my hair and makeup, packed my bag and drove down to the hospital with my husband, excited that I was going to meet my first baby. I went into hospital on a Thursday night at 8.30pm and he was born SATURDAY MORNING at 4am. That’s a long weekend!!!!
LISTEN: How can you tell if someone is going to have an easy birth? Post continues below.
I tried to do it naturally. Yeah, that didn’t happen.
I remember I had met a lady the weekend before and she told me she counted through her contractions. “Breathe in for six seconds and out for ten seconds. It keeps your mind busy and off the pain,” she told me.
Look, it did work for eight hours but eventually it made me so angry I almost punched a midwife for chewing her gum mid-contraction. BRING ON THE EPIDURAL!! I still remember my first time with the epidural, my first hit. It rushed through my body and I felt like I was having an orgasm, a very long one.
I went from The Exorcist to Little House on the Prairie in less than five minutes. I was making ‘That’s what he said’ jokes with the doctors. This fun carried on until about 4am when I felt like I needed to do the biggest dump of my life (how amazing am I making it sound?), and I had heard people say that when the baby is coming that’s what it feels like.
They called the doctor and she had a looksie. Before I knew it there were two doctors, a couple of midwives and my husband, in the room in total panic. I wanted to say ‘I told you so’, but there was no time. All I remember was this four-foot-nothing little lady doctor asking me if I want forceps or an emergency caesarian, and then me not being able to hold that massive poo that was my firstborn IN!